[chaptered] Purging Kim Jongin
Part 3
It’s performance night, and Jongin is busy spinning circles across the stage floor, but his heart isn’t in it tonight. His performance is perfect, as usual, but ‘Kai’s presence is only noticeable in half assed smiles and vague fan-service as his mind wanders on cloud 9. All the same, the crowd watching doesn’t notice a difference.
Kyungsoo seemed to be the only thought on his mind all day, and it was driving him insane. Images of the other flashed through his head every second, and he would no more than push the thoughts away before they were back again, as strong and vivid as ever.
The faces in the crowd seemed to flash for a moment, giving a hint that the other might be there, but upon a second glance the image had vanished. Of course it had. Kyungsoo had no idea who ‘Kai’ was. He hadn’t even inquired as to what sort of stage name Kai came from. How could Kyungsoo possibly be in a dump like this? A brilliant, shining mirage of lights and glamor was the last place Jongin might expect to find a soul like Kyungsoo, (though that didn’t stop him from searching). Perhaps his subconscious knew something he didn’t. Perhaps he could feel him. ‘Right.’ He thought sarcastically. ‘More useless hopes.’
At the gala that evening, the comments and praises were given to Kai just as they always were. He smiled and laughed with patrons, talking of anything and everything they wished, but his attention span was just as terrible as ever. Most nights at the gala’s his only mission was to get drunk or laid, sometimes both, but tonight’s only mission was to simply get the fuck out of there- to escape. Escape back to the park where he could let go, forget for a moment, and just be. ‘And just maybe..’ he started, stopping his thoughts before they could escalate. No. He would not let himself get too hopeful tonight.
As Jongin made his way through the crowd, addressing all the guests and mingling with his coworkers, he made sure to stay away from the alcohol. Because alcohol makes him tipsy, and being tipsy makes him carefree, and being carefree is dangerous with all his possible one night stands in the same room.
After only an hour of socializing, Jongin took off out the back door, practically running to his car in order to make it back before it was too late. Before he could possibly miss his sanctuary that seemed to be the park. Before he missed Kyungsoo. It was already a good three hours later than usual, and time was running short. Perhaps it was stupid of him to even try on late performance nights like this, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop.
Jongin ran as diligently as he could, his breath coming in short huffs and his lips numbing in the frosty night. His feet slipped occasionally, but the sting from rolling his ankle couldn’t be felt with the bone numbing cold. It was dangerously close to midnight, and his face stung as the snow hit it, reminding him he hadn’t even had the chance to wipe his thick makeup from his face, but that didn’t bother him. Perhaps he would look better that way. Less beat. Less worn.
By the time Jongin had reached their bench from the previous night, he was huffing and exhausted. His throat burned from the strain and the freezing air, making it hard to hold any air in his lungs. He sighed, his hands coming to rest on his knees and his face scrunching as he tried to regulate his heart rate and relax his breathing so at least that much wasn’t painful, eventually using a bare tree a little ways away as a prop.
A few minutes passed like this; leaning back on the tree and peering into the darkness ahead, looking this way and that for a glimpse of him, a hint of his pale skin, red lips, wide eyes. This is why Jongin doesn’t hope- shouldn’t hope. He sighs again, a final gust of vapor rising against the snow flakes, and he finally stands up, moving from the tree to head back home, and relapse. Only he doesn’t make it that far.
A slightly breathless Kyungsoo, lips parted and eyes searching, appears before Jongin, having just rounded the corner Jongin normally takes to head home. And for a moment he’s stunned- too shocked by the sudden appearance to utter a word and simply staring, his own eyes probably just as wide as Kyungsoo’s.
“..Jongin..” A smile melts onto Kyungsoo’s face and it’s all Jongin can do to stay standing. His breath picks up again as his heart nearly strangles him it’s raised so high in his throat, and sudden heat invades his chest and warms him from the inside out. “..K-Kyung..soo?” He asks softly, knowing how ridiculous he must look in that moment, all wide eyed and thrilled, but he could care less about that. All that matters to him now, is Kyungsoo.
The other nods, approaching him slowly with that same, breathtakingly beautiful smile splayed across his face, subconsciously tugging Jongin’s up to do the same. He can’t help but offer what he assumes is probably the smallest smile he’s got, but its genuine, and its real, and it’s all for Kyungsoo because Jongin’s smiles are rare and special and only Kyungsoo deserves something like this from him, can pull something like this from him, no one else. Ever.
“..You look more rested today.” He says softly, turning his back to Jongin and motioning with his head for the other to follow him. Jongin nods, but wants to disagree. To tell him it’s just the makeup. To tell him he’s lower than he’s ever been, but words are unreachable at the moment and he almost jerks forward, his feet falling in step with Kyungsoo, side by side as they walk down the path and towards town.
“I thought you might be here.” He offered, giving him a side glance. “You seem to like this place. It worries me.” He confessed softly, his eyes staring ahead of them, bright and tugged into a small eye smile. “You’ll catch a cold if you keep this up.” He adds, turning his head again to offer him the grin.
Jongin frowns slightly and nods, willing his voice to rise out of his chest. “..Used to it.” He manages, finding himself sounding almost childish with his small, almost nonexistent defiance, and this seems to raise a tiny chuckle out of Kyungsoo that Jongin can’t help smirking at.
“Used to it or not, it’s still unhealthy.” He told him gingerly. “And I think I’d like our meetings to be a little more planned, so perhaps I can persuade you to stay inside a while longer.” He told him, his gaze on his feet, his smile sheepish. “Because if you’re inside with me you can’t be out here catching your death.”
Jongin almost trips at the sudden request, his eyes boring down onto Kyungsoo. The other looks up slowly, his eyes wide and his brows pulled together, questioning. It takes Jongin a few more seconds to realize he’s stopped and has been staring, and a few more seconds to manage a reply. “..Yes.” He breaths, because being with Kyungsoo is really all he’s ever wanted to do in the first place, and suddenly catching his death seems like such a revolting thought it takes all he can do not to drag the other with him home.
Kyungsoo grins again and takes a step or two, reaching out carefully and taking Jongin’s numb, probably frost bitten hand in his own, the fuzzy mitt warming him and giving a little tug, and soon their motion starts again until they’ve almost reached Jongin’s apartment. His hand latches onto Kyungsoo’s, almost pathetically desperate, but entirely grateful, and Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to mind a bit.
The silence between them is broken as Jongin stops under a street lamp near his apartment, not wanting to take the other any farther for fear he might lose control, give into his wants and desires, and hurt him. His hand slips from Kyungsoo’s and the air stings his newly revealed skin.
“..My place is just around the corner..” He tries to explain, feeling slightly guilty as the other looks at him questioningly. “Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.” He manages, his eyes drifting to the side of Kyungsoo’s face, focusing on the gleam of the snowflakes as they fall.
Kyungsoo gives a small smile, and nods. “You’re not an inconvenience Jongin.” He whispered, leaning over a bit to recapture his eyes, and Jongin can’t look away. He focuses on the way his hair shines in the light, how his eyes reflect the shimmer in the ice surrounding them, how his lips curve into that grin that makes Jongin beg silently for his suffering to just end already.
“..How often do you visit the park, Jongin?” Kyungsoo asks softly. Jongin catches his breath again, suddenly trying to breathe as he focuses on the situation at hand. “..Every night.” He manages. Every night from now on.
Kyungsoo smiles and nods. “Then.. if it’s alright with you.. we should meet at those times. Every night. At the café just down the street.” He offers, and his eyes sparkle.
Jongin shakes his head slowly, frowning lightly. “Kyungsoo.. that’s too much. Really, I can take care of myself. I won’t get sick.” He manages, not wanting the other to sacrifice so much time and sleep for him, but Kyungsoo sighs, shaking his own head. “You don’t understand, Jongin. I want to.” He whispered, his cheeks a light tinge of pink. “I would rather sit and talk a while, than have us both freeze taking a midnight stroll, as lovely as it is.” He whispers, his eyes only faltering slightly from what Jongin hopes to be embarrassment.
To this, Jongin doesn’t argue. Doesn’t want to argue. He simply nods, his eyes softening and a small smile playing on his lips. “..Alright then.” He whispers, his breath trickling out in white puffs as his breathing picks up again. “..But I’m a terrible partner for conversation.” He quips, smirking lightly as he finds just a bit of confidence from Kyungsoo’s remarks.
Kyungsoo grins widely, and shakes his head, their eyes locking again. “Perhaps you aren’t as terrible as you think,” He says softly, turning a bit and taking a step in the direction they had just come from. “If only you open up a bit first.” He adds, holding a hand up in farewell.
Jongin almost scoffs at the childish remark, and his smirk grows just a little wider, but his hand lifts in goodbye just the same, and he turns to head down the street to his apartment, his heart aflutter.
“And Jongin!” Kyungsoo calls from the other end of the street, and Jongin nearly falls over when he turns on his heal so fast. He caught himself quickly, his breath picking up from the sudden movement, and his heartbeat quickening with anticipation as he peers down the long street and focuses on the glowing light that is Kyungsoo’s face. “You dance beautifully.” He complimented, his smile visible even from this distance. And in an instant, he’s gone, disappeared around the corner.
Jongin is instantly frozen in place for the next few moments, taken completely off guard by the comment, a sudden feeling swelling in his chest. He nearly dropped to his knees right there on the frozen pavement, his eyes burning with hot tears that instantly became cold as they rolled down his cheeks. His breathing started to come in small sobs as he slowly reached a hand up to cover his mouth.
Kyungsoo knew. Somehow, he had known Jongin was a dancer. Whether the other had known all along, or only recently, Jongin didn’t know. He didn’t know how Kyungsoo knew anything; why he had been swayed into conversation with him, why he had been so pulled towards wanting to be with Jongin, why he had never asked, or why he had only mentioned it as a small compliment, rather than a crowning achievement like most. Why Kyungsoo had bothered with someone as hateful and pathetic as Jongin, he’ll probably never know, but even in the beginning, Jongin knew he never needed explanations. He only needed the other with him- to be near him. Words didn’t need to be uttered for Kyungsoo to read him, and that was all Jongin needed to know from the other. It was all he cared about, and all he hoped for- to be understood, and… dare he think it- cared for. And Kyungsoo did care, at least he knew that much.
Jongin tried to gather himself together, dragging himself back around the corner and to his apartment, but the tears never ceased. He choked back sobs until he had managed to shut his apartment door behind him, and crashed to the floor. Tears of pain and joy seemed to leak from his eyes uncontrollably. Pain at the thought that someone as precious at Kyungsoo had willingly chosen to deal with someone as horrid as himself, and that he didn’t even have the strength to push Kyungsoo away, to save Kyungsoo from everything inside his being, and yet joy, because for once a compliment was given to Jongin. The praise was given to the one behind the mask, to the one behind the makeup and the lies and the lights and the curtain…
‘How can something so delicate willingly throw itself into the fire when it knows it will get burnt?’ Jongin asks himself as he curls into a ball on the living room floor, though he doesn’t have an answer. Jongin never has answers. But he’s sure Kyungsoo would know. Kyungsoo simply always knew.
Part 4
It’s performance night, and Jongin is busy spinning circles across the stage floor, but his heart isn’t in it tonight. His performance is perfect, as usual, but ‘Kai’s presence is only noticeable in half assed smiles and vague fan-service as his mind wanders on cloud 9. All the same, the crowd watching doesn’t notice a difference.
Kyungsoo seemed to be the only thought on his mind all day, and it was driving him insane. Images of the other flashed through his head every second, and he would no more than push the thoughts away before they were back again, as strong and vivid as ever.
The faces in the crowd seemed to flash for a moment, giving a hint that the other might be there, but upon a second glance the image had vanished. Of course it had. Kyungsoo had no idea who ‘Kai’ was. He hadn’t even inquired as to what sort of stage name Kai came from. How could Kyungsoo possibly be in a dump like this? A brilliant, shining mirage of lights and glamor was the last place Jongin might expect to find a soul like Kyungsoo, (though that didn’t stop him from searching). Perhaps his subconscious knew something he didn’t. Perhaps he could feel him. ‘Right.’ He thought sarcastically. ‘More useless hopes.’
At the gala that evening, the comments and praises were given to Kai just as they always were. He smiled and laughed with patrons, talking of anything and everything they wished, but his attention span was just as terrible as ever. Most nights at the gala’s his only mission was to get drunk or laid, sometimes both, but tonight’s only mission was to simply get the fuck out of there- to escape. Escape back to the park where he could let go, forget for a moment, and just be. ‘And just maybe..’ he started, stopping his thoughts before they could escalate. No. He would not let himself get too hopeful tonight.
As Jongin made his way through the crowd, addressing all the guests and mingling with his coworkers, he made sure to stay away from the alcohol. Because alcohol makes him tipsy, and being tipsy makes him carefree, and being carefree is dangerous with all his possible one night stands in the same room.
After only an hour of socializing, Jongin took off out the back door, practically running to his car in order to make it back before it was too late. Before he could possibly miss his sanctuary that seemed to be the park. Before he missed Kyungsoo. It was already a good three hours later than usual, and time was running short. Perhaps it was stupid of him to even try on late performance nights like this, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stop.
Jongin ran as diligently as he could, his breath coming in short huffs and his lips numbing in the frosty night. His feet slipped occasionally, but the sting from rolling his ankle couldn’t be felt with the bone numbing cold. It was dangerously close to midnight, and his face stung as the snow hit it, reminding him he hadn’t even had the chance to wipe his thick makeup from his face, but that didn’t bother him. Perhaps he would look better that way. Less beat. Less worn.
By the time Jongin had reached their bench from the previous night, he was huffing and exhausted. His throat burned from the strain and the freezing air, making it hard to hold any air in his lungs. He sighed, his hands coming to rest on his knees and his face scrunching as he tried to regulate his heart rate and relax his breathing so at least that much wasn’t painful, eventually using a bare tree a little ways away as a prop.
A few minutes passed like this; leaning back on the tree and peering into the darkness ahead, looking this way and that for a glimpse of him, a hint of his pale skin, red lips, wide eyes. This is why Jongin doesn’t hope- shouldn’t hope. He sighs again, a final gust of vapor rising against the snow flakes, and he finally stands up, moving from the tree to head back home, and relapse. Only he doesn’t make it that far.
A slightly breathless Kyungsoo, lips parted and eyes searching, appears before Jongin, having just rounded the corner Jongin normally takes to head home. And for a moment he’s stunned- too shocked by the sudden appearance to utter a word and simply staring, his own eyes probably just as wide as Kyungsoo’s.
“..Jongin..” A smile melts onto Kyungsoo’s face and it’s all Jongin can do to stay standing. His breath picks up again as his heart nearly strangles him it’s raised so high in his throat, and sudden heat invades his chest and warms him from the inside out. “..K-Kyung..soo?” He asks softly, knowing how ridiculous he must look in that moment, all wide eyed and thrilled, but he could care less about that. All that matters to him now, is Kyungsoo.
The other nods, approaching him slowly with that same, breathtakingly beautiful smile splayed across his face, subconsciously tugging Jongin’s up to do the same. He can’t help but offer what he assumes is probably the smallest smile he’s got, but its genuine, and its real, and it’s all for Kyungsoo because Jongin’s smiles are rare and special and only Kyungsoo deserves something like this from him, can pull something like this from him, no one else. Ever.
“..You look more rested today.” He says softly, turning his back to Jongin and motioning with his head for the other to follow him. Jongin nods, but wants to disagree. To tell him it’s just the makeup. To tell him he’s lower than he’s ever been, but words are unreachable at the moment and he almost jerks forward, his feet falling in step with Kyungsoo, side by side as they walk down the path and towards town.
“I thought you might be here.” He offered, giving him a side glance. “You seem to like this place. It worries me.” He confessed softly, his eyes staring ahead of them, bright and tugged into a small eye smile. “You’ll catch a cold if you keep this up.” He adds, turning his head again to offer him the grin.
Jongin frowns slightly and nods, willing his voice to rise out of his chest. “..Used to it.” He manages, finding himself sounding almost childish with his small, almost nonexistent defiance, and this seems to raise a tiny chuckle out of Kyungsoo that Jongin can’t help smirking at.
“Used to it or not, it’s still unhealthy.” He told him gingerly. “And I think I’d like our meetings to be a little more planned, so perhaps I can persuade you to stay inside a while longer.” He told him, his gaze on his feet, his smile sheepish. “Because if you’re inside with me you can’t be out here catching your death.”
Jongin almost trips at the sudden request, his eyes boring down onto Kyungsoo. The other looks up slowly, his eyes wide and his brows pulled together, questioning. It takes Jongin a few more seconds to realize he’s stopped and has been staring, and a few more seconds to manage a reply. “..Yes.” He breaths, because being with Kyungsoo is really all he’s ever wanted to do in the first place, and suddenly catching his death seems like such a revolting thought it takes all he can do not to drag the other with him home.
Kyungsoo grins again and takes a step or two, reaching out carefully and taking Jongin’s numb, probably frost bitten hand in his own, the fuzzy mitt warming him and giving a little tug, and soon their motion starts again until they’ve almost reached Jongin’s apartment. His hand latches onto Kyungsoo’s, almost pathetically desperate, but entirely grateful, and Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to mind a bit.
The silence between them is broken as Jongin stops under a street lamp near his apartment, not wanting to take the other any farther for fear he might lose control, give into his wants and desires, and hurt him. His hand slips from Kyungsoo’s and the air stings his newly revealed skin.
“..My place is just around the corner..” He tries to explain, feeling slightly guilty as the other looks at him questioningly. “Wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.” He manages, his eyes drifting to the side of Kyungsoo’s face, focusing on the gleam of the snowflakes as they fall.
Kyungsoo gives a small smile, and nods. “You’re not an inconvenience Jongin.” He whispered, leaning over a bit to recapture his eyes, and Jongin can’t look away. He focuses on the way his hair shines in the light, how his eyes reflect the shimmer in the ice surrounding them, how his lips curve into that grin that makes Jongin beg silently for his suffering to just end already.
“..How often do you visit the park, Jongin?” Kyungsoo asks softly. Jongin catches his breath again, suddenly trying to breathe as he focuses on the situation at hand. “..Every night.” He manages. Every night from now on.
Kyungsoo smiles and nods. “Then.. if it’s alright with you.. we should meet at those times. Every night. At the café just down the street.” He offers, and his eyes sparkle.
Jongin shakes his head slowly, frowning lightly. “Kyungsoo.. that’s too much. Really, I can take care of myself. I won’t get sick.” He manages, not wanting the other to sacrifice so much time and sleep for him, but Kyungsoo sighs, shaking his own head. “You don’t understand, Jongin. I want to.” He whispered, his cheeks a light tinge of pink. “I would rather sit and talk a while, than have us both freeze taking a midnight stroll, as lovely as it is.” He whispers, his eyes only faltering slightly from what Jongin hopes to be embarrassment.
To this, Jongin doesn’t argue. Doesn’t want to argue. He simply nods, his eyes softening and a small smile playing on his lips. “..Alright then.” He whispers, his breath trickling out in white puffs as his breathing picks up again. “..But I’m a terrible partner for conversation.” He quips, smirking lightly as he finds just a bit of confidence from Kyungsoo’s remarks.
Kyungsoo grins widely, and shakes his head, their eyes locking again. “Perhaps you aren’t as terrible as you think,” He says softly, turning a bit and taking a step in the direction they had just come from. “If only you open up a bit first.” He adds, holding a hand up in farewell.
Jongin almost scoffs at the childish remark, and his smirk grows just a little wider, but his hand lifts in goodbye just the same, and he turns to head down the street to his apartment, his heart aflutter.
“And Jongin!” Kyungsoo calls from the other end of the street, and Jongin nearly falls over when he turns on his heal so fast. He caught himself quickly, his breath picking up from the sudden movement, and his heartbeat quickening with anticipation as he peers down the long street and focuses on the glowing light that is Kyungsoo’s face. “You dance beautifully.” He complimented, his smile visible even from this distance. And in an instant, he’s gone, disappeared around the corner.
Jongin is instantly frozen in place for the next few moments, taken completely off guard by the comment, a sudden feeling swelling in his chest. He nearly dropped to his knees right there on the frozen pavement, his eyes burning with hot tears that instantly became cold as they rolled down his cheeks. His breathing started to come in small sobs as he slowly reached a hand up to cover his mouth.
Kyungsoo knew. Somehow, he had known Jongin was a dancer. Whether the other had known all along, or only recently, Jongin didn’t know. He didn’t know how Kyungsoo knew anything; why he had been swayed into conversation with him, why he had been so pulled towards wanting to be with Jongin, why he had never asked, or why he had only mentioned it as a small compliment, rather than a crowning achievement like most. Why Kyungsoo had bothered with someone as hateful and pathetic as Jongin, he’ll probably never know, but even in the beginning, Jongin knew he never needed explanations. He only needed the other with him- to be near him. Words didn’t need to be uttered for Kyungsoo to read him, and that was all Jongin needed to know from the other. It was all he cared about, and all he hoped for- to be understood, and… dare he think it- cared for. And Kyungsoo did care, at least he knew that much.
Jongin tried to gather himself together, dragging himself back around the corner and to his apartment, but the tears never ceased. He choked back sobs until he had managed to shut his apartment door behind him, and crashed to the floor. Tears of pain and joy seemed to leak from his eyes uncontrollably. Pain at the thought that someone as precious at Kyungsoo had willingly chosen to deal with someone as horrid as himself, and that he didn’t even have the strength to push Kyungsoo away, to save Kyungsoo from everything inside his being, and yet joy, because for once a compliment was given to Jongin. The praise was given to the one behind the mask, to the one behind the makeup and the lies and the lights and the curtain…
‘How can something so delicate willingly throw itself into the fire when it knows it will get burnt?’ Jongin asks himself as he curls into a ball on the living room floor, though he doesn’t have an answer. Jongin never has answers. But he’s sure Kyungsoo would know. Kyungsoo simply always knew.
Part 4