[chaptered] Purging Kim Jongin
Part 4
It's late evening, like always, when Jongin finishes practice, nearly bursting out of the dance studio and jumping into his car to go meet Kyungsoo. He can hardly believe the other had even offered such a thing. Every night. Perhaps he had misread him. Perhaps it had been a dream, his imagination. Perhaps he'd finally gone crazy. Who knew.
Jongin rushed up to his apartment, flinging his things down and hurrying to turn on the shower. He threw himself in, scrubbing himself down so he might actually look and smell decent for Kyungsoo, so maybe he wouldn’t be an embarrassment. He dressed himself in slightly more dressy clothes, a tight black shirt, dress pants, coordinating belt and tie, a long black overcoat, and a little makeup to top him off. He looked.. decent, to say the least. He sighed, spraying a little cologne and wondering if perhaps he was overdoing it. If maybe Kyungsoo would think him a fool. Well, he probably already did, but that was beside the point.
Jongin hurriedly made his way out of the apartment, mildly surprised he hadn't noticed the thick snow that was falling in his haste, regretting not grabbing gloves but not caring enough to go back inside to fetch them. He took off down the street, watching his feet mostly to ensure he wouldn't slip and break a hip before he got there. That was the last thing he needed, no Kyungsoo and no career.
It was as slippery as ever and Jongin wondered if the snow would ever let up or go away. It seemed to only serve as an indicator that his birthday was coming up, and he would be a year older and a year deeper into the broken mess that was his life. But slowly, it had started to feel like something different. Something a little less oppressing, a little less ridged and numbing. Something a little more light. A little more.. beautiful.
As he neared the shop, he stopped himself, looking around a moment and adjusting his outfit and hair. His cheeks heated a bit and his heartbeat picked up, pounding against his chest at the thought of meeting up with the other. He tried to brush some of the snow off of him, the motion useless as it was quickly replaced with more falling drops. He sighed out, trying to calm himself and throw on a mask of indifference, but he knew he would falter in a moment anyway.
Jongin cautiously opened the door, peering in and looking about before stepping inside. He caught a glimpse of Kyungsoo just off to his left at a little table for two, his back to him and his nose in a book. Jongin smirked excitedly and crossed the room, trying to keep his steps quiet. He straightened up, clearing his throat as he gently rested his hand on the back of the empty chair across from him. "..Evening." He greeted sheepishly, his eyes glued on Kyungsoo's face.
Kyungsoo quickly looked up, his eyes as wide as ever and brimming with excitement as he focused on Jongin. "Jongin!" He called happily, holding a hand out towards the chair. "Please, have a seat." He told him softly, smiling widely. "Thirsty?" He asked, nodding towards the counter.
Jongin pulled the chair out and took a seat, shaking his head and offering Kyungsoo a light smile. "I'm alright, thanks.." He murmured, somewhat awkwardly. "I, um, didn't mean to disturb your.. reading." He said, pointing to the book laying on the table. Kyungsoo smiled and shook his head quickly. "I've read it before." He said quietly, his eyes falling onto the table and his cheeks turning just a bit pink.
Jongin's eyes trailed along Kyungsoo's features, working their way around his every curve. Kyungsoo was just as precious as ever, milky white skin, dark pink lips, warm brown eyes.. He caught himself staring, smiling softly and blinked a few times, shaking his own head as if to clear his thoughts, his own cheeks pinkening. "I-I guess I'll go get that drink now." He stammered, standing quickly and moving away from the table, his heart nearly leaping out of his chest. The drink was a good distraction, but it didn’t last nearly long enough.
Kyungsoo couldn’t help but chuckle softly at Jongin, wondering exactly what might be going through his mind at times like this, when the world seemed so far away, yet his eyes seem so full of.. something. He watched the other carefully as he returned to the table, taking his seat, his eyes staying on the cup in his hands. "...Tired?" He asked softly, wondering if perhaps the other had over exhausted himself yet again.
Jongin's eyes instantly shot up to look at Kyungsoo's, shaking his head quickly. "Oh, no.. I just get lost in thought sometimes." He managed, mentally beating himself up for being such a miserable fail at this. But Kyungsoo only smiled and nodded, taking a sip out of his own steaming cup. Jongin knew he should be better at this. He socialized with people constantly, and he could talk about anything for countless hours if he had to, but for some reason, he just couldn’t find the words.
Kyungsoo chuckled softly, turning Jongin's thoughts back to the situation at hand, and his eyebrow raised. "..Sorry, nothing's funny, I just.. Well I can't say I'm used to talking with others." He said softly, knowing he must seem very awkward to the other. He just couldn't help but feel...
Jongin shrugged. "I always talk with people." He nearly whispered. "But I never say anything meaningful." And that was probably the most truthful thing he’s ever said to anyone.
Kyungsoo’s smile faltered a bit, and Jongin’s blank stare turned a bit melancholy. “..How did you know I danced?” He finally uttered between the deafening silence, but it was only met by more silence. He sighed, his hands fiddling with the lid of his cup and his eyes falling away from Kyungsoo’s face. “..No one.. knows Kim Jongin.” He added, hopping to coax an answer out of him.
After a moment, Kyungsoo’s voice finally broke the silence, ringing out and capturing Jongin’s attention again. “…Internet.” He answered easily. “When you said Kai was a stage name, I got a little curious so, I.. ended up purchasing a ticket to one of your shows.” He said softly. “And it was glorious.”
Jongin’s gaze rested on Kyungsoo’s and in that moment he could swear Kyungsoo’s eyes were telling him something else. Something deeper. “..Oh.” He whispered, hoping for a little bit more than that. “Well.. thank you.” He managed, his eyes falling right back on his drink.
Kyungsoo sighed lightly, an apologetic smile on his face for he felt as if he had somehow upset the other. “Jongin?” He called softly, looking to capture the other’s eyes again, and finally meeting them. “I don’t plan to go back without your invitation.” He told him gently, smiling a little softer. “I only wanted to see you dance.”
A small smile that didn’t reach his eyes broke out on Jongin’s face. “A-Ah, its alright Kyungsoo, I just wondered.” He managed, losing the words after that and dropping his gaze again. His chest ached a bit and he tried to convince himself it wasn’t Kyungsoo complimenting Kai, but complimenting Jongin.
Kyungsoo nodded, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he carefully, hesitantly, reached a hand out to take the cup from Jongin, sliding it out of the others hands to recapture his attention, his own hand filling the gap where the cup had been. “…I know, it’s hard for you.” He whispered. “It’s written all over you. I can tell.” He added softly, and Jongin’s face contorted from sadness, to surprise, to pain as he clutched onto Kyungsoo’s hand. “When I first met you... I could tell the world hadn’t treated you kindly. But I thought.. that maybe I might. That maybe I could change the way you look at things. That maybe I could make things better.” He admitted, his cheeks turning pink again. “That maybe I could help. I wanted to help. I just felt… pulled.” He whispered, his eyes serious, and this time, brimming with shimmering light.
Jongin could barely speak, managing a sort of scoff that sounded more like a sob, his fake smile faltering right after. He nearly ripped his hand out of the other’s in a desperate attempt to keep himself from exploding. To keep from blowing up. He wanted so desperately to just cling to him like a child. To tell him all he knew, to beg him for comfort, for love, for.. anything. But he couldn’t. That would be absurd. He wasn’t a child, and there was no way in hell he was that weak… right?
Kyungsoo jumped a bit at Jongin’s sudden action, surprised how upset it made him now that their contact was gone. He dipped his head, nodding slightly and peering down at his lap. “R-Right, sorry, It probably sounds ridiculous of me.. having just met you.” He whispered, looking up for a brief second. “But when I look at you, and I listen to the way you speak… Well, it’s painful even for me.” He whispered.
Jongin’s heart ached. He couldn’t take it anymore. He clutched onto his empty cup that had been sucked dry a long time ago, and stood. He didn’t trust himself. He couldn’t beg for comfort because he knew he wanted to much, and the other could only give. He wasn’t about to suck Kyungsoo dry too. He wasn’t about to break something else.
“… Performance tomorrow.” He nearly choked, making an excuse for himself and turning from the table, tossing his cup in the nearest trash can as he made his way out the door, and Kyungsoo didn’t follow.
Jongin stumbled down the road a ways, sick of feeling anything at all. Away. He needed to get away.
He slipped and slided down the sidewalk, whimpering lightly when he finally slipped and face planted the pavement. He slowly peeled himself up, wiping at his face and rubbing the blood onto his pants before starting his trek through the snow again, away to anywhere his legs would take him.
A sigh of relief escaped him when the cold set into his body, his pace slowing and his limbs going numb, just like he wanted. Now he could only feel the consistent throbbing of his heart in his chest, and he hoped soon even that would fade away. He scoffed. Hoping again.
He stumbled along the beaten paths of the park, searching for anything, searching for nothing, he couldn’t tell anymore. When the crunch of the snow faded under his feet he noticed it was because he’d slowed down tremendously, having come upon a place that seemed to be engraved his being by now.
He took a seat on the bench, a soft and final crunch echoing through the stillness of the night. He sighed, his hot, white breath curling and rising into the dark sky above him. He tilted his head back and peered above him into the darkness. Even the snow had abandoned him tonight. There was no shimmering radiance and for that he was sort of glad. He shut his eyes and inhaled deeply, the rigged air stinging his lungs and causing him to exhale prematurely.
He stayed like that a while, wondering how long he could hold out. If he could just simply fall asleep, and be gone by morning. If he would even have the courage to do something like that. No, probably not. He’d have done it long ago if he wasn’t such a coward. How pathetic.
Jongin’s thoughts were silenced when the sudden sound of soft footsteps came wandering near, but he didn’t move. Didn’t need to move. He knew who it was. He hoped he knew who it was.
“…Jongin.” Kyungsoo called, taking a seat beside him on the bench despite Jongin being sprawled out all over the bench. “Jongin…” He heard the other call to him softly, and he wondered for a moment if maybe it was a dream. If the whole thing was just a figment of his imagination, and nothing more. But when small, fragile arms found their way around his neck, he knew it was real. Kyungsoo was real.
The small arms pulled Jongin to him, lifting his head and placing a small hand on the back of his neck to keep him up, resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Jongin..” He called softly, rubbing his back soothingly, and Jongin was afraid if he hugged him back he might snap him in half, so instead he clung to the front of Kyungsoo’s coat, burying his face in the other’s neck and letting out choked sobs of relief. He really was pathetic. But Kyungsoo never let go. He held him tightly all the while, whispering calming words between them.
When Jongin had gathered himself enough to be ashamed of his actions, he pulled back, keeping his head hanging low and slowly unclenched his hands from Kyungsoo’s coat, wiping at his eyes and sighing heavily. But instead of saying anything, Kyungsoo simply took Jongin’s hand in his, and stood, pulling the other up with him gently, and starting off down the path towards home.
“Come on.” He coaxed softly. “We can talk about it later.” He suggested. “But right now, we need to get you home, and you need to sleep.”
Jongin wanted to protest, to fling himself back in Kyungsoo’s arms and never let go, but he hadn’t the strength for all that. So he settled for clutching onto the little hand in his desperately, and let Kyungsoo lead him home.
Part 5
It's late evening, like always, when Jongin finishes practice, nearly bursting out of the dance studio and jumping into his car to go meet Kyungsoo. He can hardly believe the other had even offered such a thing. Every night. Perhaps he had misread him. Perhaps it had been a dream, his imagination. Perhaps he'd finally gone crazy. Who knew.
Jongin rushed up to his apartment, flinging his things down and hurrying to turn on the shower. He threw himself in, scrubbing himself down so he might actually look and smell decent for Kyungsoo, so maybe he wouldn’t be an embarrassment. He dressed himself in slightly more dressy clothes, a tight black shirt, dress pants, coordinating belt and tie, a long black overcoat, and a little makeup to top him off. He looked.. decent, to say the least. He sighed, spraying a little cologne and wondering if perhaps he was overdoing it. If maybe Kyungsoo would think him a fool. Well, he probably already did, but that was beside the point.
Jongin hurriedly made his way out of the apartment, mildly surprised he hadn't noticed the thick snow that was falling in his haste, regretting not grabbing gloves but not caring enough to go back inside to fetch them. He took off down the street, watching his feet mostly to ensure he wouldn't slip and break a hip before he got there. That was the last thing he needed, no Kyungsoo and no career.
It was as slippery as ever and Jongin wondered if the snow would ever let up or go away. It seemed to only serve as an indicator that his birthday was coming up, and he would be a year older and a year deeper into the broken mess that was his life. But slowly, it had started to feel like something different. Something a little less oppressing, a little less ridged and numbing. Something a little more light. A little more.. beautiful.
As he neared the shop, he stopped himself, looking around a moment and adjusting his outfit and hair. His cheeks heated a bit and his heartbeat picked up, pounding against his chest at the thought of meeting up with the other. He tried to brush some of the snow off of him, the motion useless as it was quickly replaced with more falling drops. He sighed out, trying to calm himself and throw on a mask of indifference, but he knew he would falter in a moment anyway.
Jongin cautiously opened the door, peering in and looking about before stepping inside. He caught a glimpse of Kyungsoo just off to his left at a little table for two, his back to him and his nose in a book. Jongin smirked excitedly and crossed the room, trying to keep his steps quiet. He straightened up, clearing his throat as he gently rested his hand on the back of the empty chair across from him. "..Evening." He greeted sheepishly, his eyes glued on Kyungsoo's face.
Kyungsoo quickly looked up, his eyes as wide as ever and brimming with excitement as he focused on Jongin. "Jongin!" He called happily, holding a hand out towards the chair. "Please, have a seat." He told him softly, smiling widely. "Thirsty?" He asked, nodding towards the counter.
Jongin pulled the chair out and took a seat, shaking his head and offering Kyungsoo a light smile. "I'm alright, thanks.." He murmured, somewhat awkwardly. "I, um, didn't mean to disturb your.. reading." He said, pointing to the book laying on the table. Kyungsoo smiled and shook his head quickly. "I've read it before." He said quietly, his eyes falling onto the table and his cheeks turning just a bit pink.
Jongin's eyes trailed along Kyungsoo's features, working their way around his every curve. Kyungsoo was just as precious as ever, milky white skin, dark pink lips, warm brown eyes.. He caught himself staring, smiling softly and blinked a few times, shaking his own head as if to clear his thoughts, his own cheeks pinkening. "I-I guess I'll go get that drink now." He stammered, standing quickly and moving away from the table, his heart nearly leaping out of his chest. The drink was a good distraction, but it didn’t last nearly long enough.
Kyungsoo couldn’t help but chuckle softly at Jongin, wondering exactly what might be going through his mind at times like this, when the world seemed so far away, yet his eyes seem so full of.. something. He watched the other carefully as he returned to the table, taking his seat, his eyes staying on the cup in his hands. "...Tired?" He asked softly, wondering if perhaps the other had over exhausted himself yet again.
Jongin's eyes instantly shot up to look at Kyungsoo's, shaking his head quickly. "Oh, no.. I just get lost in thought sometimes." He managed, mentally beating himself up for being such a miserable fail at this. But Kyungsoo only smiled and nodded, taking a sip out of his own steaming cup. Jongin knew he should be better at this. He socialized with people constantly, and he could talk about anything for countless hours if he had to, but for some reason, he just couldn’t find the words.
Kyungsoo chuckled softly, turning Jongin's thoughts back to the situation at hand, and his eyebrow raised. "..Sorry, nothing's funny, I just.. Well I can't say I'm used to talking with others." He said softly, knowing he must seem very awkward to the other. He just couldn't help but feel...
Jongin shrugged. "I always talk with people." He nearly whispered. "But I never say anything meaningful." And that was probably the most truthful thing he’s ever said to anyone.
Kyungsoo’s smile faltered a bit, and Jongin’s blank stare turned a bit melancholy. “..How did you know I danced?” He finally uttered between the deafening silence, but it was only met by more silence. He sighed, his hands fiddling with the lid of his cup and his eyes falling away from Kyungsoo’s face. “..No one.. knows Kim Jongin.” He added, hopping to coax an answer out of him.
After a moment, Kyungsoo’s voice finally broke the silence, ringing out and capturing Jongin’s attention again. “…Internet.” He answered easily. “When you said Kai was a stage name, I got a little curious so, I.. ended up purchasing a ticket to one of your shows.” He said softly. “And it was glorious.”
Jongin’s gaze rested on Kyungsoo’s and in that moment he could swear Kyungsoo’s eyes were telling him something else. Something deeper. “..Oh.” He whispered, hoping for a little bit more than that. “Well.. thank you.” He managed, his eyes falling right back on his drink.
Kyungsoo sighed lightly, an apologetic smile on his face for he felt as if he had somehow upset the other. “Jongin?” He called softly, looking to capture the other’s eyes again, and finally meeting them. “I don’t plan to go back without your invitation.” He told him gently, smiling a little softer. “I only wanted to see you dance.”
A small smile that didn’t reach his eyes broke out on Jongin’s face. “A-Ah, its alright Kyungsoo, I just wondered.” He managed, losing the words after that and dropping his gaze again. His chest ached a bit and he tried to convince himself it wasn’t Kyungsoo complimenting Kai, but complimenting Jongin.
Kyungsoo nodded, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he carefully, hesitantly, reached a hand out to take the cup from Jongin, sliding it out of the others hands to recapture his attention, his own hand filling the gap where the cup had been. “…I know, it’s hard for you.” He whispered. “It’s written all over you. I can tell.” He added softly, and Jongin’s face contorted from sadness, to surprise, to pain as he clutched onto Kyungsoo’s hand. “When I first met you... I could tell the world hadn’t treated you kindly. But I thought.. that maybe I might. That maybe I could change the way you look at things. That maybe I could make things better.” He admitted, his cheeks turning pink again. “That maybe I could help. I wanted to help. I just felt… pulled.” He whispered, his eyes serious, and this time, brimming with shimmering light.
Jongin could barely speak, managing a sort of scoff that sounded more like a sob, his fake smile faltering right after. He nearly ripped his hand out of the other’s in a desperate attempt to keep himself from exploding. To keep from blowing up. He wanted so desperately to just cling to him like a child. To tell him all he knew, to beg him for comfort, for love, for.. anything. But he couldn’t. That would be absurd. He wasn’t a child, and there was no way in hell he was that weak… right?
Kyungsoo jumped a bit at Jongin’s sudden action, surprised how upset it made him now that their contact was gone. He dipped his head, nodding slightly and peering down at his lap. “R-Right, sorry, It probably sounds ridiculous of me.. having just met you.” He whispered, looking up for a brief second. “But when I look at you, and I listen to the way you speak… Well, it’s painful even for me.” He whispered.
Jongin’s heart ached. He couldn’t take it anymore. He clutched onto his empty cup that had been sucked dry a long time ago, and stood. He didn’t trust himself. He couldn’t beg for comfort because he knew he wanted to much, and the other could only give. He wasn’t about to suck Kyungsoo dry too. He wasn’t about to break something else.
“… Performance tomorrow.” He nearly choked, making an excuse for himself and turning from the table, tossing his cup in the nearest trash can as he made his way out the door, and Kyungsoo didn’t follow.
Jongin stumbled down the road a ways, sick of feeling anything at all. Away. He needed to get away.
He slipped and slided down the sidewalk, whimpering lightly when he finally slipped and face planted the pavement. He slowly peeled himself up, wiping at his face and rubbing the blood onto his pants before starting his trek through the snow again, away to anywhere his legs would take him.
A sigh of relief escaped him when the cold set into his body, his pace slowing and his limbs going numb, just like he wanted. Now he could only feel the consistent throbbing of his heart in his chest, and he hoped soon even that would fade away. He scoffed. Hoping again.
He stumbled along the beaten paths of the park, searching for anything, searching for nothing, he couldn’t tell anymore. When the crunch of the snow faded under his feet he noticed it was because he’d slowed down tremendously, having come upon a place that seemed to be engraved his being by now.
He took a seat on the bench, a soft and final crunch echoing through the stillness of the night. He sighed, his hot, white breath curling and rising into the dark sky above him. He tilted his head back and peered above him into the darkness. Even the snow had abandoned him tonight. There was no shimmering radiance and for that he was sort of glad. He shut his eyes and inhaled deeply, the rigged air stinging his lungs and causing him to exhale prematurely.
He stayed like that a while, wondering how long he could hold out. If he could just simply fall asleep, and be gone by morning. If he would even have the courage to do something like that. No, probably not. He’d have done it long ago if he wasn’t such a coward. How pathetic.
Jongin’s thoughts were silenced when the sudden sound of soft footsteps came wandering near, but he didn’t move. Didn’t need to move. He knew who it was. He hoped he knew who it was.
“…Jongin.” Kyungsoo called, taking a seat beside him on the bench despite Jongin being sprawled out all over the bench. “Jongin…” He heard the other call to him softly, and he wondered for a moment if maybe it was a dream. If the whole thing was just a figment of his imagination, and nothing more. But when small, fragile arms found their way around his neck, he knew it was real. Kyungsoo was real.
The small arms pulled Jongin to him, lifting his head and placing a small hand on the back of his neck to keep him up, resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “Jongin..” He called softly, rubbing his back soothingly, and Jongin was afraid if he hugged him back he might snap him in half, so instead he clung to the front of Kyungsoo’s coat, burying his face in the other’s neck and letting out choked sobs of relief. He really was pathetic. But Kyungsoo never let go. He held him tightly all the while, whispering calming words between them.
When Jongin had gathered himself enough to be ashamed of his actions, he pulled back, keeping his head hanging low and slowly unclenched his hands from Kyungsoo’s coat, wiping at his eyes and sighing heavily. But instead of saying anything, Kyungsoo simply took Jongin’s hand in his, and stood, pulling the other up with him gently, and starting off down the path towards home.
“Come on.” He coaxed softly. “We can talk about it later.” He suggested. “But right now, we need to get you home, and you need to sleep.”
Jongin wanted to protest, to fling himself back in Kyungsoo’s arms and never let go, but he hadn’t the strength for all that. So he settled for clutching onto the little hand in his desperately, and let Kyungsoo lead him home.
Part 5