Advice?

[kusanobabe05]

I've always felt myself drawn to a female deity especially after reading the Children of Earth series in high school. I tried to ignore it the same as I hid from my sexuality.

I was raised Christian and was taught that to believe in anyone else was sinful.

Comments

[babarian_kat]

Do you want to be unhappy where you are now? Or do you want to speak your truth, deal with and accept any reaction that goes down, and then realize that living your truth is more important than conforming to the whims and dogma of others. If you are yourself, eventually, other people who are more complementary with you will see that. It could be immediate, and it could take years. If it takes longer than you think it should, be patient. At least you are living your truth, not their projections about you.

Good luck,
Kathleen

[kusanobabe05]

Thank you. I have no one really to discuss this with without being shot down or accused of rebellion. Rebellion...I'm 23...

Not that it isn't an impossibility just not in my case...

Its sad...I have a feeling if my mother put away her prejudice she would make a very fine witch but spirituality is a personal choice. I would never try to make her believe something she doesn't want to.

The goddess hates to be ignored...

I know that...

I owe her a lot....

[babarian_kat]

Most people are steeped in prejudice and judgmental thinking. Maybe I'm going too fast for you; I'm more than twice your age, and I'm just now realizing that I am pretty fantastic, and those who can't handle it, will reveal themselves in good time by not being able to hang, or by telling me that whatever I say is the wrong thing to say and getting mad (or not getting mad, because if they aren't on the same page as me, I WILL find out.

It took me all of this time to truly realize that. And yes, you would have to be willing to take the chance that you might be alone for awhile.

Just, try to remember what I just told you. When the time is right, you'll understand.

Good luck,
Kathleen

[kusanobabe05]

It was a huge issue coming out

[lucky_cat13]

Reading your comments you are over 18 and still living at home.

Here's the deal.

Your parents may accept it on the surface but that never means it is going to be OK with them. You know that because like me you were raised Christian and were told your purpose on earth is to convert others. My experience with this situation was unfortunately when I was still 17...

I'll say the same thing someone once told me after my parents ripped my book of shadows apart in front of my face and my stepmother decided to throw my pentagram necklace away wrapped in a used maxi pad... sometimes if you must its better to learn how to practice rituals in your head. (IE: astrally.) Saves you the drama, saves your parents the drama, and you get to live your life however you want. Bonus points because I think it strengthened my abilities by the time I got into a living situation whre I was free to live my life in the open.

[lilonelost]

Lucky Cat has a point. (And I'm really sorry your parents were so... difficult). Thankfully my parents are fairly tolerant of both my sexuality and religious choices. However, because I still live with them for financial reasons they have set limits on how I can practice. Astral rituals I've found out are a very effective way to not step on toes. Also if you're doing trancework, astral work, dream questing ect. it is a good way to meet and discuss things with the goddess in a more face to face manner. As odd as it sounds a polite face to face conversation along the lines of "hey this is what is going on can you give me a hand", often works wonders.

[kusanobabe05]

I don't actually live it my mother and my dad, well it would be safer for everyone if he were dead but he is out of my life.

I live with my grandparents because they need some help with finances and work around the house. my grandfather is starting to go blind...

I just worry about burning bridges....

[lilonelost]

Someone once told me regarding my sexuality that it was my choice wether or not to tell someone my prefrences. Faith kinda runs along the same lines. If you tell someone it is because you want to and it is on your terms, not because you think you should or you think you owe it to them. Some people aren't mature enough emotionally to handle a loved one being lgbt, just as some people aren't mature enough to handle a loved one being pagan. In the end it really is your call about how open you are and how you practice.

[peskipiksi]

[kusanobabe05]

Falling Madly in love with myself...

Interesting notion...I've never been able to do that...

I think sometimes I hate myself...

It has been a barrier in many aspects...

The goddess? If she wanted to leave me...she wouldn't have saved my life...or given me a guide who looks out for me. I just hate thinking of myself as really all that special...I'm the type of person who attempted and failed to be invisible in high school...

[kusanobabe05]

Normal? Half the time I'm not sure what that is. I thought I had a normal childhood only to find out it was most surely screwed up. [If I sound sarcastic or mean its not meant to be.]

Then I spent from 12 to 18 being invisible half the time and fitting in the next. [Being a good christian girl-volunteering in vacation bible school and Sunday school, going to youth groups; didn't date, helped my single mom with the chores and siblings. I rarely had time for myself I was too busy fitting in the role of a good daughter. Which I kind of fail at as well as that of a sister but that is another story.

Once I hit college I tried to find myself...then again don't we all?

I gave up theatre to learn not to hide behind roles...it only helped so much but I gave up on a passion.

My sexual identity hit me like a slap in the face when I wasn't prepared for it though the 'signs' where there all along when I admitted it.

The Goddess waited over a year after that to come to me and I have been slowly starting to find my path.

[kusanobabe05]

I don't really have anyone to talk to...my best friend is agnostic...

If I start planting an herb garden and burning candles...

Wait! I already did that- well the candle part and no one noticed. I was given Drawing Down the Moon and the Wiccan Bible and still no one paid attention. I have an alter set up but no one guessed its purpose.

*sighes* they are majorly intolerant of those who do not agree with them...

The lectured on my 'choices regarding my sexuality' are annoying enough as well as the ones where they attempt to guilt me back to the Church. I try to ignore it but it does hurt...

If I could figure out how to do them astrally it might help...

[tea_holic]

First, try Journal rituals. I loved this idea when I first read about it, and it's a great idea. Maybe a little better at first than trying to visualize it all in your head. =)
http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/wiccanandpaganrituals/f/JournalRitual.htm

[kusanobabe05]

What a great idea. I am always writing but I still get interrupted lols.

[snarfywarning]

I am in a slightly similar boat to you, but it is my in laws who would basically disown me, and thus hurt my children. I have not been a practicing Christian for about a year now, and "out" to my friends about studying paganism for 3 months or so.

There is no reason for you to tell anyone. My husband knows, my best friends know, and my LJ friends know. I recently set up an altar in my room once my husband was OK with it (He is still a Christian) but until then I kept a basket on my bedside table with my altar tools in it. I do not use a wand or an anthame, I do most of my ritual with my own energies.. so in my head. Makes it easier for clean up, that is for sure :P Plus it would be kind of dangerous to have an anthame out where little kids could find it. haha.

Do what you need to do to be true to yourself. Worship how you feel you need to worship. There is no reason for you to involve anyone, especially when you know they will be contributing negative energy to your space (or kick you out of it, if you still live at home)

[kusanobabe05]

I don't really have a home...I have a place to stay.

Rocking the boat is something I try not to do. The reason I came out besides falling in love with a wonderful woman was because I didn't want to lie to myself or to those I cared about. I am still a chicketshit lesbian in most respects...

I don't want my choices to hurt anyone or make them feel that what they believe is wrong...