Saiyuki quick-fic

[soliandxpyne]

Something unnamable swells in my chest, like a fist clenched around my heart, and I have to avert my gaze.  If things were different...but it’s a stupid, indulgent, pointless thought, and I quash it before it ever really forms--safer that way--and keep my eyes trained steadily, ruthlessly, out the window.

“Sanzo?” he ventures tentatively as he

Comments

[soliandxpyne]

Ack, I'm still not particularly thrilled by my attempt, but Thank you. :) One thing I've always enjoyed doing in my writing is using somewhat poetic turns of phrase, but I feel like I just wouldn't be able to get away with it when narrating from Gojyo or Goku's pov, lol. So using Sanzo's voice allows me to do that, I suppose...

"Evocative"--I like the sound of that. ~^_^~

[avierra]

Well, of COURSE you feel uncomfortable, you are rummaging around inside the head of Sanzo, who should probably be involuntarily committed ;)

I liked it though, I thought it was almost lyrical. I especially like your description/explanation of why he denies pleasures to himself and the others.

Contrary to popular belief, I get no real enjoyment from denying those three the things they want. However, I’ve found it’s often so much easier to say ‘no’ than ‘yes.’

That absolutely makes sense (if you are Sanzo).

[soliandxpyne]

Ahahah, it makes sense to me, too. Lots of times I've ended up saying 'no' to my siblings about certain things, just because I feel like I've set a precedent and I can't say 'yes' without it looking like I'm backing down. >_>

Oh well. This was certainly interesting to do, but I think it just confirmed for me why I don't write in first-person. : / Thanks for reading, though! <3

[eyesofshinigami]

Oh, there is no reason for you to be embarrassed! This was lovely!

Sanzo is a tough nut to crack, so I admire your bravery in trying to get into his head. However, I think you did a marvelous job. The tension in this was tangible, as though I could reach right through the computer screen and touch it. The descriptions rocked, like rroselavy said.

One good thing about first person is that you can feel everything that a character is feeling, and that grips your readers like you wouldn't believe. Truthfully, that's the way I felt the entire time I was reading this. You had me and didn't let go until the ending.

I like Sanzo's trepidation, and how ultimately he just couldn't help but give into Goku. <3!! Like you said in a previous comment, it's always a good feeling when you see Sanzo deciding that what he has with Goku doesn't make him weak, but makes him stronger.

^________^ I can't stress how lovely this was. Great way to start my day! *hugs*

[soliandxpyne]

There would be, if you heard what Xpyne said, haha... After reading it, she said it weirded her out because it sounded to her in her head like I was reading a porn aloud. D:,'

tension was tangible I'm glad that came across, because I was definitely going for that feeling, and sometime I doubt my ability to create real tension. (Of course, this could be due to the fact that I tend to read my longer stuff over about a hundred times before posting it, so that it starts to lose its original kick, lol. The 'tent scene' in the last chapter of Wake Up being a prime example.)

grips the readers like you wouldn't believe Mmm, thank you very much. :D ...But I still think I'd rather try to accomplish this through third-person, thnx. >.<

Glad you liked this. ::hugs:: But I think all future stuff from me will definitely be third-person, heh.

[eyesofshinigami]

You know, now that I think about it...she's kind of right. *laughs* And considering that both windwhisprer and empyrealfantasy make me read my stories to them out loud...

Pfft. Like you should worry about that. I know what you mean, thought. Sometimes I find myself wondering the exact same thing, like "Did I create anything in here that would make this story interesting to read besides the smut at the end?" I really started questioning that when my Creative Fiction professor started discussing things like that. o_O

(That's why I tend to read it twice and then give it to someone else. I'd never get anything posted or written if I did that.)

Yeah, same here. First person seems way too intimate for me to write. I prefer to see if I can do it from the outside, just like you said. Certain stories work better in first person, but not all of them. You know what I mean, jelly bean?

*hugs back* I did, I did. And as long as there is more stuff by you, who are we to argue? ^___~

[soliandxpyne]

Hmm, I'm glad you liked it (even if I'm still ambivalent about it, myself, heh). :) ::laughs:: I wasn't necessarily going for "bitter" with Sanzo's attitude, but Xpyne mentioned that, too, so I guess it came out that way. :T

I think I've come to the conclusion that I can abide first-person as long as it's an original character... As far as fanfiction goes, it still gives me fits. @_@ I think I'd prefer to continue trying my hand at tapping into that 'core' through third-person, lol.

Glad you liked that bit, because I think that's essentially what Goku boils down to--and there's not really going to be anything anyone can do about it, really. :D Thanks for your support.

[keire_ke]

I share your sentiments on the first person pov. Often it feels too intimate. That said, Sanzo has no intimacy inside his head (because hello, denial), so somehow, when done right, his pov is good. :) Well done, you. *huggles*

I like the last paragraph. It's sweet. <3 And yay, Goku gets through to his Icy Highness!

[soliandxpyne]

Ack, well I'm glad you think I did a decent job. ~^_^~ Even if I'm not 100% happy with the result, I think I'm pretty satisfied with the attempt, if that makes sense. Thanks for the encouragement, though. <3

Hohoho, I'm such a sap for 393... X)