Jae Shin/Yong Ha fic - Assumptions

[solanyxe]

For you who sing during the sleepless nights.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Title: Assumptions
Spoilers: up to ep.16
Summary: Set during ep. 16, the night of the school trip. Moon Jae Shin assumes one thing and Goo Yong Ha another.
Pairings: Moon Jae Shin/Goo Yong Ha
The fic tries to be canon-compliant, so implied unrequited Moon Jae Shin/Kim Yoon Shik (but don’t worry, I’m a Gullim fan down to the core ;))
Word count: ~10000
Rating: R
Warning: angst
If you spot anything else that you think deserves a warning, let me know.
Other1: complimentary fanmix HERE
Other2: I’m giving up on uniformed transcription of names… Also, I apologize for any possible remaining mistakes or inconsistencies.
Other3: Intended as a “spiritual” sequel to Two Thirds, but it can easily be a standalone, as there are no references to it.

He couldn’t sleep, of course. Not because the grass was dewy; Jae Shin was used to sleeping on the streets, on the grass, wherever he found himself in the evening. The distant voices of the singing scholars were not what was distracting him either.

Kim Yoon Shik was with another man tonight, perhaps in his arms, lying in the same bed.
Jae Shin’s right hand passed quickly over his chest.
It stung like a bruise, black and swollen under the touch, though there was nothing palpable on his skin. There was no wound but the one in his mind.
Yet if it were a bruise, there would have been something else underneath, as in cases when a blue patch of blistering skin only marks a fracture below.
The true pain was deeper, where the broken bone lay, and where Yong Ha was smiling and sending him after Daemul.

“I would make her mine, if I were you,” Yong Ha had said.

He did not care. Yong Ha had never cared for other than his own amusement.
The fool was the one who had ever hoped otherwise. The one who had decided to see sincere tears where there was nothing but a ruse, or had mistaken a teasing gesture for a token of affection. What a fool that man was!
Jae Shin chuckled softly at himself.
Again, he had to wonder why his heart had been pining for a man like Yong Ha. Why Jae Shin could add layer after layer of grief and love for other people, and sooner or later, there was Yong Ha’s smile, resurfacing in all its cruel beauty from the depths into which Jae Shin had relegated it.
Fractured ribs dealt less pain. Jae Shin knew, because as the Hong Byuk Seo, his ribs had been broken more than once.

That was the whole truth.
Yong Ha’s touches held no special meaning. Not to Yong Ha, at least. It made little difference to him whether his arms enclosed the body of a friend, a shy maiden, or an old scholar. His caresses were void of meaning.
Jae Shin had known that for a long time.
For Yong Ha, everything was a game to be played. Now he wanted this, and now he changed his mind wanting something else.
Moon Jae Shin was nobody’s toy, however. He would never tolerate being one.
Thus, he hated Yong Ha’s touches, and how could he not, when they were bestowed upon him as carelessly as they were given to a gisaeng?
Even more, Jae Shin hated himself, for each time he felt Yong Ha’s breath on his cheeks, he found himself wanting. Wanting to tear the silks from Yong Ha’s chest and feel the soft skin, wanting to push Yong Ha down and claim those smirking lips, wanting to then break Yong Ha’s body into sweet sighs. Wanting more than the lowest gisaeng for her favorite patron.

That Jae Shin could never allow. Being used once, before Yong Ha skipped to someone else with shiny eyes?
Never. It was better to forget about everything.
The problem was that he could not; Yong Ha didn’t care how eagerly Jae Shin pushed him away. Yong Ha didn’t seem to understand at all. Or perhaps he understood too well, and that’s why he kept poking into Jae Shin. How amusing that must have been to Yong Ha!
The mere thought pervaded Jae Shin with anger, and at that point he usually wanted either to push Yong Ha away or drag him closer to make him feel the fists. Fists sinking into Yong Ha’s pale flesh, or perhaps lips and teeth leaving a bite mark above Yong Ha’s collarbone.

As Moon Jae Shin had learned, though, punching Yong Ha on the mouth meant only that he would look at Jae Shin with an exaggerated expression of hurt on his face and then smirk. Yong Ha’s tongue would trace the slit on the lower lip, slowly, to lure away the blood. Meanwhile, his eyes would fix on Jae Shin in curious anticipation.
“You live up to your name, as crazy as a horse, Gel Oh,” those lips would say.
There was no good way to deal with a man like that.

Pushing him away was safer and better than words Yong Ha didn’t heed.

“What are you doing, clinging to me like that? A simple man like me could become confused,” Jae Shin had said once.
And Yong Ha was the only person whose response would be to widen his grin and come even closer.
“Really?” Yong Ha had said, his index finger trailing on Jae Shin’s neck, until Jae Shin had felt shivers down his spine. “How do I make you confused? Hm?”

“In each and every way.” That was the answer Jae Shin had never given.

What to expect of Yong Ha anyway?

At the anniversary of Jae Shin’s brother death a year ago, Yong Ha had first asked Jea Shin to come with him to the Gisaeng House, claiming how fun that would have been. Then, after Jae Shin had turned the invitation down rather furiously, Yong Ha had begun to cry. He had sobbed how he couldn’t stand seeing Jae Shin like this, and finally, amidst those sobs and tears, Yong Ha had tried to kiss Jae Shin. Jae Shin had almost let him.

A few days later, Yong Ha had been chatting as if nothing had ever happened, his smiles and clothes as bright as ever.
“Oh, it was a joke to cheer you up,” Yong Ha had said. “Don’t think about it.” He winked, handing a book to Jae Shin. “Here. Since you don’t want to come with me to see the courtesans, at least take this to take your mind away from your sorrow.”

It had been a book about lords and ladies spending their time together in ways that Jae Shin couldn’t have cared less about at the moment.
Between that and the bottle of liquor, he had chosen the liquor.
Oh, how beautifully it had dulled his throes. Instead of tears, he had poured the soju.
It had numbed his pain, confused his senses, and cleared his head.
He had become the Hong Byuk Seo, swearing to avenge his brother’s death. Although Jae Shin had always thought his brother foolish, there had been no other choice but to retrace the same footsteps toward that naïve dream of a better world. They would lead him to death as surely as they had led his brother, but such was Jae Shin’s fate.

Giving up on Yong Ha and his mood swings had come almost naturally - Jae Shin had been drinking and gambling during the day, and during the nights he had been running on missions. Meanwhile, Yong Ha had begun to frequent In Soo, the president of the student council, and the rest of the Noron pigs. He must have known how Jae Shin hated Norons, but apparently Yong Ha hadn’t cared about it. Always fun first for Goo Yong Ha.
And since then, there hadn’t been any particular reasons for Jae Shin and Yong Ha to hang together anymore, though Yong Ha had insisted on coming to Jae Shin’s room occasionally and berating Jae Shin for this or that.
Despite all that, Jae Shin could have never given up Goo Yong Ha’s friendship.

He was merely sick of watching Yong Ha’s whimsies and constant changes of interest. In fact, Yong Ha was worse than a woman in that aspect.

It was impossible for Jae Shin to decide whether he disliked women because they reminded him of Yong Ha, or if he disliked them because Yong Ha seemed to love them so.

The only exception, the only woman who was different was Kim Yoon Shik.
And the more Jae Shin thought about it, the more convinced he was that Kim Yoon Shik could understand him. She had a secret like Jae Shin did, and without any doubt she had something important to protect too.
Where Yong Ha was acting like a buffoon, she cared sincerely, Jae Shin knew. Where Yong Ha was pushy, she was supportive instead.
And most of all, though Kim Yoon Shik looked like a man, she was a woman and Yong Ha was not. He was not.

Jae Shin sighed into the night.

If Yong Ha’s presence felt as hot iron to cauterize the wounds, or as a snowstorm that shook him down to the bones, then Kim Yoon Shik was as mild day in spring. Her presence comforted him, made everything feel less… wrong.
And now she was in Sun Joon’s hands.

“Still thinking?” said a voice that Jae Shin could recognize anywhere.
Yong Ha stood next to him, leaning down with his hands behind his back.
“What do you want again?” said Jae Shin, deliberately looking past Yong Ha, into the dark sky.
Why had Yong Ha come to him again? Had he not jabbed into his heart enough?
“I was just worried that you’d be cold here,” said Yong Ha.
Jae Shin snorted. “You don’t have to worry about that. You can go back to have fun with the others.”

The figure next to him didn’t move, however, and despite everything, that brought a strange relief to Jae Shin. He closed his eyes. The voices of other scholars were a faint noise in the background, while the rustling of Yong Ha’s silken robe was mingling with the sound of the wind between the leaves.
If he could rest like this a little longer, without thinking, lying with Yong Ha next to him… He could forget about everything else…

Jae Shin jumped up. Something had touched his leg and was tugging at his robe.
“What are you doing, Yeorim?” Jae Shin pulled the robe back.
Not surprised in the least, Yong Ha said, “I just wanted to borrow your coat to sit on it.”
“Sit somewhere else!” said Jae Shin.
Yong Ha looked at his own arms and robe. “If I sit somewhere on this wet grass, I might dirty my clothes. They’re new clothes; I wore them for the first time today. See these?” He pointed to the floral pattern. “How much do you think these cost? Can’t I just sit on your topcoat?”
“Tsk,” said Jae Shin. “Why do you even buy such clothes if you can’t sit in them?”

Without a reply, Yong Ha’s lips spread into a smile, and he bowed in an attempt to catch the brim of Jae Shin’s robe again.
As countless times in his life before, Jae Shin felt like a mouse in the paws of a cat. He moved away swiftly.

“Ah,” Yong Ha sighed, raised his back, and looked around dejectedly, as if he were trying to find the least offending spot to sit on.
“You’re worse than woman,” said Jae Shin, removing his overcoat. “You should be careful not to turn into one.”
He threw the overcoat on Yong Ha’s head.

Jae Shin’s overcoat was a deep fern green, and if the grass were to stain it, there would be no harm in it. Besides, Jae Shin had never worried about keeping his clothing immaculately bright and clean. Yong Ha was the one to fuss over clothing, just like a woman.
Yet he was not a woman, and there were certain types of hell even Jae Shin refused to enter.

How easy everything would have been if Yong Ha were truly a woman and Kim Yoon Shik a man, though.
How easy it would have been if only the Norons had changed into boars and had been hunted down, since they were no better than wild beasts and deserved no better end than that of wild beasts. How easy, if Jae Shin’s brother had been still alive…
Nevertheless, there was no use in such thoughts - raveling in them made Jae Shin only wish to reach for another bottle, and once he had started, it had soon become a habit. A habit he couldn’t break away from.

Jae Shin prostrated himself on the grass and tucked his hands under his head. There were only a few stars he could see in the sky.
Meanwhile Yong Ha lay out the topcoat right next to him and sat down. Jae Shin could feel Yong Ha’s side touch his ribs. Wondering whether Yong Ha would come closer or not made Jae Shin quake for fear as much as for anticipation.
As if reading Jae Shin’s mind, Yong Ha turned and lowered his back. The beaded necklace of his hat swung over Jae Shin’s chest as a gentle stroke of fingers.
Jae Shin lay motionless, feeling as though he had lost his breath. He kept staring upwards, into the sky.
When Yong Ha looked up, pretending to search with his gaze what Jae Shin was watching, the brim of his hat brushed Jae Shin’s cheek.
“The stars won’t tell you what Daemul is doing, you know,” Yong Ha said and bent his head.

The distance between them was so small; Jae Shin was asking himself if it even counted. He could feel the tension building up inside him, as though someone were grabbing him by the throat.
He’d have to shove Yong Ha’s face away, now, before Yong Ha got the wrong idea, but Jae Shin found he could not move, he did not want to, even.

“Aren’t you worried?” whispered Yong Ha, and his breath left a titillating sensation around Jae Shin’s ear. It spread over Jae Shin’s neck.

Jae Shin ventured a glimpse at Yong Ha and then looked back at the sky, sensing how the entire area from his cheekbones to the bridge of his nose was becoming hot, as if licked by flames. He pretended he couldn’t see any part of Yong Ha’s face. Not the brows on the pallid skin, not his eyelashes, and not the corner of Yong Ha’s half-opened mouth.

“Aren’t you worried about what they might be doing now? They are alone, and it’s night, after all. Lee Sun Joon and Daemul. Aren’t you worried that they might be…” Yong Ha glued his chest to Jae Shin’s shoulder. “…Like this. Garang may be all over Daemul. Undoing her vest.” Yong Ha’s left hand slipped under Jae Shin’s collar. It was warm, soothing, yet the soft fingertips stung at the same time, and Jae Shin thought that he couldn’t restrain himself anymore.

He grabbed the hand, and in the last flash of wit before he’d pull Yong Ha down, he kicked him with a knee instead.
Yong Ha retracted in pain, but his movements were awkward, since Jae Shin was still grasping one hand.
As Yong Ha tried to yank his hand free, Jae Shin jumped up. Without thinking, he grabbed Yong Ha’s other hand as well, and mounted him.

“Now stop this!” Jae Shin said. “You may be my friend, but there are some things not even you should do, or you’ll pay for it.”

Yong Ha might have been skilled at playing mind games and similar tricks, but when it came to physical strength, Jae Shin was superior.
Under him, Yong Ha wrestled to set himself free. His stomach chaffed against Jae Shin’s loins in a strange sequence without rhythm.

“I’m only trying to help you, you idiotic…” Yong Ha said, shaking his arms. “Why do you have to make everything so difficult?”
Jae Shin was in no mood to listen. “Who asked you to help me? Huh?” He pinned Yong Ha’s wrists to the ground. “You’re only doing what pleases you. You don’t care how others will feel. You don’t care how I will feel. You never have!”

Yong Ha’s movements stilled. Jae Shin’s ragged breath was filling the silence.
They were watching each other, and Jae Shin’s grip softened slowly.

It seemed that Yong Ha had been waiting for this, for he pushed up, crying, “Have you been drinking so much that you’ve lost your reason?”

And they were rolling on the grass, Jae Shin losing his advantage because of the surprise. Yong Ha was kicking and punching, and it took Jae Shin a while to scramble back atop of him and force him into submission.

Although Yong Ha was still wrenching his arms away, there was no strength in them. His chest was going up and down in the frantic rhythm, which was following his breaths. The gat hat forced his head into an odd position, which made his face no less alluring.
Jae Shin gulped and tried to calm down his… whatever it was that kept raging in his body. He was now painfully aware of their position. There he was, straddling Yong Ha, holding both Yong Ha’s hands and pressing them into the grass. It was ringing slightly in his ears.

He didn’t want to let go.

Yong Ha swallowed and glanced to the right, and panicked, Jae Shin did the same, but luckily no scholar had wandered up here.

Jae Shin and Kim Yoon Shik had barely been found innocent of charges of homosexuality, and if someone had seen him with Yong Ha like this, there might have been more misunderstandings.
While Moon Jae Shin had half resigned to die while trying to avenge his brother, and being forced to leave the Sungkyungkwan would be a small thing in comparison, it was different for Yong Ha. He couldn’t involve Yong Ha.
There was a small voice in Jae Shin’s mind whispering that nobody was there, so worrying was unnecessary. There was nobody but he and Yong Ha.

“What now?” said Yong Ha, looking back at Jae Shin.
Jae Shin had no answer; he knew only that his mind was blank, and that wherever his body was touching Yong Ha’s, he could feel heat rising.
Yong Ha smiled. “How should I pay for it, then?”
Several moments had passed before Jae Shin had realized that he had said Yong Ha would have to pay.
He wanted to snort, but it came out as a sigh.
Around them, the leaves were rustling. Yong Ha’s breathing was still audible, and Jae Shin thought he could sense the pulse on Yong Ha’s wrists.
He bent over to Yong Ha’s mouth, which was moving in a hypnotic pattern; slightly open, close, slightly open again.
Finally, Jae Shin released Yong Ha, got up to walk a few steps, and sat down. Rubbing his forehead didn’t invite any thought into his head.
He heard Yong Ha get up as well and approach him. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Do you feel any better, Geol Oh?” Yong Ha said.
Jae Shin did not feel any better. On the contrary; his body trembled as if he had been running a high fever, and he couldn’t think.
“Geol Oh?” Yong Ha sat. His hand released Jae Shin’s shoulder, if only to make place for his forehead, while his hand went to Jae Shin’s thigh.

Jae Shin took a deep breath into his lungs. At least the air was cold.

“Your head,” said Yong Ha, “Sometimes I really wonder what’s inside it.” He smiled. “Besides Daemul, that is.”
His gaze became intense, as if he wanted to rip apart every secret inside Jae Shin’s head merely by watching him.
Yong Ha was making one of his assumptions again. Assumptions, assumptions and plots, Yong Ha was full of them.

Jae Shin looked the other way. That had been always the best thing to do; to keep a calm and unreadable face, and never look Yong Ha in the eye, never feed his curiosity with expression of any kind.

Left to his reasoning alone, Yong Ha sometimes came to the wrong conclusions, as certain as he was of his skills. Yes, even Yong Ha guessed wrongly sometimes.
Jae Shin hoped this was one of those occasions.
Right now he didn’t have the strength to push Yong Ha away. He thought of how Yong Ha’s lips would taste, and unable to imagine it, he wanted them all the more.
Nevertheless, Jae Shin would never reach for them. It would be like admitting weakness and defeat, like stripping his tortured heart naked. He couldn’t do that in front of Yong Ha.

With a sigh, Yong Ha placed his chin on Jae Shin’s shoulder, as if waiting for Jae Shin’s decision.
Jae Shin closed his eyes for a moment, feeling feverish again, feeling as though Yong Ha could read his every thought; as if Yong Ha already knew and took revel in seeing Jae Shin like this.
Yong Ha had found out on his own that Jae Shin was the Hong Byuk Seo, after all, which meant there were other things he could easily figure out as well.
But Jae Shin was no one’s toy to push around, neither for pleasure nor greed.

He lifted a hand and moved Yong Ha’s head away.
“Let me be,” he said, standing up.
Not once did Jae Shin look back as he went further into the woods.

The chilly breeze reminded Jae Shin that he had forgotten his overcoat, but it didn’t matter, because he had already decided not to go back until morning.
His nails traced the bark of the nearest tree.

“Geol Oh,” he heard. “Geol Oh.”
Apparently, there was no end to Jae Shin’s torment tonight.
“What do you want?” he responded after a while but forbade himself to turn toward the voice.

“You forgot your overcoat. You’ll be cold here.” Despite the casual words, Yong Ha’s voice sounded tense.

Jae Shin stood still, and it seemed to him that the forest, no, the whole world had hushed down to a lull. The overcoat landed gently on his shoulders. He felt the warmth coming from Yong Ha’s body, where it pressed against Jae Shin’s back. Then Yong Ha’s arms reached out and clasped Jae Shin from behind. His fingers clawed into Jae Shin’s robe.

Jae Shin swallowed. The breath from his mouth came as a tiny vapor trail in the darkness.
And behind him, Yong Ha gasped as if he were battling with tears.

“Jae Shin,” Yong Ha said, his voice unusually shrill.

What to say? What to do?
Jae Shin’s head was floating somewhere between Yong Ha’s arms and the treetops faraway.
He was tense like a string, a string that Yong Ha played.
But Jae Shin could play Yong Ha too.
Perhaps they were both as the strings of a haegum, tied together to cry the same desperate song. As a bow fastened between the two strings, wrenching bittersweet notes out of them, thus the fate wrung them.

Jae Shin could not endure the quiet or keep the semblance of calm anymore. His false indifference began to crack as old varnish under heat.
Was he to yield and admit his weakness? To be forever at mercy of Yong Ha, his knowing smirks and endless teasing?
Jae Shin knew that he’d found himself catering to Yong Ha’s every whim and bleeding tears each time the object of Yong Ha’s fancy changed again.

Only then Jae Shin noticed that his right hand had snuck up to his heart, where it covered Yong Ha’s fingers.
His mind and his body were yielding already.
In a burst of anger, he squeezed Yong Ha’s hand and pulled it away from his chest. Then he wrenched himself away.
Whatever Jae Shin would do now, he was going to regret it. It dawned to him when he saw Yong Ha’s small lips open in surprise - Jae Shin would be regretting it for all days to come.

It was wrong, of course, but what did it matter anymore? His life was cursed, and he probably wouldn’t live for long anyway.

Without thinking, Jae Shin grabbed Yong Ha by the shoulders and stepped closer.
Yong Ha’s back crashed against the nearest tree, yet otherwise he didn’t seem to offer any resistance. Jae Shin followed that pale face in front of him until his lips smashed into Yong Ha’s.

The hat was in the way, so Jae Shin drew back slightly, while his fingers tugged at the ribbon under Yong Ha’s chin.
It took an eternity of two, maybe even three tugs to undo the ribbon, an eternity in which Yong Ha watched with a blank expression and Jae Shin felt himself going insane.
Then the strips fell apart unlaced.
Jae Shin pulled the hat over Yong Ha’s topknot and threw it on the ground.

He bit into Yong Ha’s lips with long repressed hunger. Their teeth clashed together, and their lips rubbed against each other with more vigor each time they parted.
Jae Shin moved away almost imperceptibly and drew in a breath. His whole body was aflame, the need was flaring up his senses. He tried to lick his lips to stop the titillation that was spreading across them, and his tongue grazed Yong Ha’s upper lip.
Slowly, Yong Ha moved his mouth up and touched Jae Shin’s tongue with his.
Jae Shin plunged in, licking and sucking those malleable lips, tracing circles over their whole length with the tip of his tongue. Yong Ha’s tongue was playing, harassing with short strokes, and soon Jae Shin thought he couldn’t stand it anymore. He opened his eyes for a moment, and while he did not know how to name the expression on Yong Ha’s face, it was the kind of expression that made Jae Shin want to kiss him again.
This time he tried to catch Yong Ha’s elusive tongue, and he reached past the lips, into Yong Ha’s mouth.
Yong Ha moaned and grabbed the robe close to Jae Shin’s collar.
As if he were drifting, Jae Shin pushed forward. His body pressed into Yong Ha’s, while his hands grasped Yong Ha’s hips.
He wanted more.

“Geol Oh,” said Yong Ha, and in a instant, Jae Shin become aware that this was reality not dreams, that he was pushing Yong Ha against a tree on a school trip, that Yong Ha had just moaned his name.

Jae Shin pulled away.

He was trembling, his lips stinging. Right, wrong, good, bad - everything was floating around, quickly becoming meaningless. There was one thing he needed. One, only one thing he wanted.

Yong Ha opened his eyes and tried so say something. Probably something smug, based on how the corners of his lips moved upwards and his eyes shone, but much to Jae Shin’s satisfaction, he managed to utter only a confused, “Ahuh.”
He narrowed his eyes at Jae Shin. “Do you miss…” Yong Ha’s voice broke off in the middle. “Do you miss Daemul that much?”
Jae Shin rolled his eyes and snorted. As proud as Yong Ha was of his intelligence, he might as well figure this out on his own.

Chuckling, Yong Ha moved close to Jae Shin’s ear and whispered. Something moved inside Jae Shin at the sound of those syllables that Yong Ha’s tongue drew slowly, one by one, as if they were a kind of incantation. “I can keep you company, if you do.”
If Jae Shin’s gaze was a silent question, Yong Ha’s was the answer.

In front of Jae Shin’s face, Yong Ha’s lips lingered half open and still wet from the kiss, and Jae shin caught them before they dared to trail away or mock him.
In a while, Yong Ha turned away, panting lightly. The whole line of his neck was exposed, and Jae Shin nipped at it.
The scent of Yong Ha’s clothes and skin pervaded his senses. With his lips, Jae Shin pulled the skin next to the collar and sucked.

He couldn’t go lower, because Yong Ha was wearing one of his more fanciful robes with buttons at the top.
Jae Shin grunted, displeased. Not only the buttons, there was a string around Yong Ha’s waist that was in the way as well.

Yong Ha reached down and unlaced it. Impatiently, Jae Shin pulled it up, where it became entangled in Yong Ha’s hands and wrapped itself around his head.
Yong Ha’s laughter rang pleasantly from under the silken cloth.

“What are you laughing at?” said Jae Shin.
It was almost as if Yong Ha’s robe was trying to annoy him as much as its owner. He dragged it over Yong Ha’s arms and dropped it unceremoniously on the ground. Yong Ha cast a look at his pretty robe and then at Jae Shin, smiling.

Jae Shin both loved and hated that look; it shone at the same time with a childlike curiosity and a cold, calculated plotting. Only Yong Ha could couple a genuine, carefree delight and the wickedest glee in one single smirk.
With that smirk, Yong Ha now gazed down at himself and began to undo his remaining garments.
There was a sentiment deeply rooted inside Jae Shin, a sentiment that had grown with years of companionship with Yong Ha, had evolved through squabbles and fights, and that now refused to let Yong Ha have his way.
As every other human being, Yong Ha should be flustered and confused too, occasionally. It wasn’t fair that Jae Shin was the only one agitated over every Yong Ha’s gesture, while Yong Ha displayed his victorious sneer. It was cruel, and Jae Shin would not tolerate of it tonight.

He opened Yong Ha’s vest and slid his hands across the warm chest, the protruded ribcage, and the tiny belly. He fondled Yong Ha’s left nipple and pressed it between his fingers. Then his palm traveled lower, to the flanks. Slowly it crept up again to pinch and stroke the other nipple.

Yong Ha leaned in and licked Jae Shin’s chin, while gripping Jae Shin’s arms at the same time. His tongue moved to the lower part of the cheek and hungrily darted back to Jae Shin’s mouth. His head sank and touched the hollow at the base of Jae Shin’s throat.

Jae Shin moved slightly to the right, allowing Yong Ha’s head to rest on his left shoulder, but in doing so, he felt Yong Ha’s arousal graze against his thighs.
Tentatively, Jae Shin lowered his hand to rub the bulge on the white pants in front of him. Yong Ha whimpered at first, and at the more decisive tugs, he threw his head back, eyes closed, and released a loud moan. The low, guttural sounds filled Jae Shin’s mind. They resounded with the desire that was soaring up Jae Shin’s body.

Yong Ha opened his eyes and looked at Jae Shin as if stunned. Soon his eyes drifted away, unable to focus, and moments oozed away with Yong Ha’s sighs.

Then Yong Ha lunged forward.
He pulled at the edges of Jae Shin’s upper garment, apparently changed his mind, and dropped his hands to unbind the girdle around Jae Shin’s waist.

In response, Jae Shin seized Yong Ha’s wrists. For the first time, he felt as though he had power over Yong Ha. Power over Yong Ha’s mind, not only his muscles. Power with which he wasn’t sure what to do.
He pushed down, still holding Yong Ha’s arms tightly. Yong Ha’s knees gave in.
Yong Ha glanced up in surprise, his eyes wide, and his fingers clutched at Jae Shin’s arms for support.
When Yong Ha’s knees reach the ground, Jae Shin let him go of him and retracted a step.

If he wanted to stop, if Jae Shin wanted to stop, now was the time, before he became too lightheaded. He could still go away now and spare himself the regret later.

Yong Ha looked around himself and grabbed Jae Shin’s overcoat, which must have fallen on the grass before.
Jae Shin hadn’t even noticed when. He watched blankly as Yong Ha stretched it on the ground and smoothed the folds. Their eyes met before Yong Ha sat on the garment.

If Jae Shin wanted to stop at all...

A ray of moonlight illuminated a side of Yong Ha’s cheek and neck, while the dusk was still covering his exposed chest like a transparent veil.
Jae Shin could still see two darker patches on the milky skin, marking where Yong Ha’s nipples were.

Now, while… while…

Yong Ha kept his inquisitive eyes fixed on Jae Shin’s face, waiting, and after a while his lips twisted in annoyance.
He was about to get up again.

Jae Shin was quicker, however.
A shove to Yong Ha’s shoulders, and his entire body yielded under Jae Shin’s.

Jae Shin couldn’t think of one good reason why he should stop himself anymore. He couldn’t think of anything at all, to be honest. Anything but the tempting frame beneath him. The coiling heat inside.

Furiously, Jae Shin’s nails scraped across the specs of moonlight on Yong Ha’s skin, and his teeth sank into Yong Ha’s neck, starved for its taste - if he were not allowed do devour everything, every flavor and each sound, Jae Shin knew he’d lose his sanity. If he hadn’t already.

Yong Ha’s hands clenched at Jae Shin’s back, pressing it down, urging Jae Shin’s body to come closer. Without interruption, his mouth kept pressing kisses on Jae Shin’s hair, eyebrows, and temples.

Jae Shin began to rock lightly, back and forward, grinding against the fabric of Yong Ha’s pants.
He sucked at Yong Ha’s nipples and then reached up. Every sigh that was coming from Yong Ha’s mouth, Jae Shin wanted to drink.

Yong Ha’s fingers had crept down to the belt, and Jae Shin halted. He untied the belt first, and then the waistband on his vest - he hadn’t usually worn as many layers of clothing as this day, and each knot filled him with additional annoyance.

Jae Shin threw the vest away, while Yong Ha jumped to unknot the waistband on his undervest.
Yong Ha slid his hand over Jae Shin’s chest, watching as in rapture, and the brush of his fingertips felt cool, their touch as flimsy as silk.

“Why is it?” said Yong Ha. “Why is everything about you so beautiful?”
Jae Shin couldn’t guess if Yong Ha was making fun of him or not. Yong Ha’s voice sounded inquisitive and whimsical in its usual way, while his eyes were set in deep contemplation.
Jae Shin had always had troubles deciphering which of Yong Ha’s expressions were genuine and which merely play, and now he’d give all his family fortune to know.

“From your lips,” Yong Ha said, dragging a finger teasingly around the edges of Jae Shin mouth. “To everything…” His hands draw tiny shapes over Jae Shin’s collarbones. “…else.”
Yong Ha placed a kiss at the middle of Jae Shin’s chest.
“Why?” he looked up and inclined his head to one side. His smile looked curious, childlike, lips protruding in a pout.

Jae Shin sighed in exasperation.
What a silly idea. Jae Shin could have asked that question about Yong Ha, what Yong Ha was doing to lure Jae Shin into such ridiculous desires.
Only Jae Shin never would ask something like that, of course.
Instead, he narrowed his eyes and rapped on Yong Ha’s forehead with his knuckles. “Hey. Have you eaten something weird today? Something that’s gone to your head?”

Yong Ha giggled and made a gesture that meant neither yes nor no. Without warning, he jumped to undo Jae Shin’s pants.
Jae Shin twitched at first and almost moved to fight Yong Ha off, but then the tension began to rise in him again.
“What are you doing?” He struggled to keep his voice neutral. “If you do such things, you should take off your own first.”
He reached for the band on Yong Ha’s pants and pushed and pulled, until Yong Ha was on his back again, stripped to the knees and panting lightly. Jae Shin was leaning on his elbows, mouth next to Yong Ha’s ears. His legs lay between Yong Ha’s thighs, basking in the warmth and intimate closeness, except for Jae Shin’s butt, which was covered only partially by the undervest.
The tender fragrance of Yong Ha’s skin and the strong scent of arousal were hitting Jae Shin’s nostrils and inebriating his senses.

Yong Ha thrust his hips upwards almost imperceptibly. “Go on,” he whispered.

Jae Shin pushed on with slow, restrained movement.
He knew what to do, but he wasn’t sure precisely -how- to go about it, as nothing seemed ready to give in. Since he didn’t wish to cause pain or harm, he helped himself with hands, searching for the right spot. He breathed in nervously.

“Let me,” said Yong Ha softly. There was no trace of playfulness about him, only need.
Though Jae Shin didn’t know what Yong Ha had in plan, he could find no strength to resist.
The pressure of Yong Ha’s hands on Jae Shin’s chest was mild but insisting. Reluctantly, Jae Shin conceded to it. He sat up.
Yong Ha scrambled to his knees right away. His fingers caressed Jae Shin’s abdomen, pulling the vest aside at the same time. Then the tips of his fingers began tracing lines over Jae Shin’s cock, and Jae Shin refused to move or make a sound, when Yong Ha’s left hand tried to force him down.

As a knock into the guts, excitement churned inside him at the sight of Yong Ha sinking his head lower.
Then Yong Ha’s right hand wrapped itself tightly around Jae Shin’t cock and stroked. The lips touched its tip.

With a sharp intake of breath, Jae Shin let himself fall back onto the grass. His mouth felt dry, and his tongue stuck to the palate as he tried to swallow. His fingers contorted in the air.

Jae Shin closed his eyes for a moment and glimpsed at Yong Ha again. There was something beautiful about those distorted lips, stretched thinly around Jae Shin and moving languidly, something enticing about the plump side of Yong Ha’s cheek.

Jae Shin had to bit his lip in order to muffle down a whimper. He would not moan. Not in front of Yong Ha.
Lust was dancing right underneath his skin, ready to break into supplication or into angry tugs at Yong Ha’s hair; whichever would make Yong Ha’s hand move faster and… Jae Shin let out a gasp. And… whichever would make Yong Ha’s tongue encircle once more the tip of Jae Shin’s cock like that.

Before Jae Shin could decide which to do, Yong Ha pulled up and wiped his mouth. He smiled down at Jae Shin.

It was just something Yong Ha would do, teasing and then changing his mind in the middle.
Jae Shin sank his teeth into his lower lip. He was sticky from Yong Ha’s saliva, and wherever his skin was wet, he began to feel chills. That meant he felt uncomfortably cold from the tip to the root of his arousal, and the autumn air made the hair on his arms and legs stand on end.
Moreover, Jae Shin thought he would snap if Yong Ha didn’t return this very instant.
How had Jae Shin ended here, again?

Yong Ha sat not far away and loosened the ties on the trousers around his ankles.
Jae Shin gulped.
He realized that Yong Ha hadn’t changed his mind, no; he took off the pants entirely.

Smiling again, Yong Ha came forward and straddled Jae Shin with ease and confidence that made Jae Shin’s breath hitch.
Yong Ha adjusted his position and pressed back, onto Jae Shin’s erection.
His eyes closed, and his face contorted mildly. He halted for a few moments, breathing, and it took an enviable amount of self-control from Jae Shin so he didn’t jerk upwards. Instead, Jae SHin swallowed down his impatience and tried to relax.
Yong Ha’s hand searched for his. Their fingers entwined.
Then Yong Ha pushed downwards again, and his tight flesh was curling Jae Shin’s foreskin down. Jae Shin gave a little squeeze to Yong Ha’s hand.
He could feel how little by little, he was entering Yong Ha deeper with each sway.

The muscles on Yong Ha’s face began to loosen up, whist the corners of his mouth swung up. He opened his eyes and winked to Jae Shin.

Ribbons of heat spread from Jae Shin’s abdomen into each direction.
The sound that left Jae Shin’s mouth didn’t resemble his own voice at all, but Jae Shin uttered it again when Yong Ha rocked against him, and Jae Shin’s cock penetrated further in.

Although Jae Shin clenched his teeth together, that didn’t stop his moans and wails, and he had to take solace from the fact that at least he had not and would not moan Yong Ha’s name.

“Geol Oh,” said Yong Ha, voice colored by lust.
“Ah,” came in response from Jae Shin’s throat.

Yong Ha touched Jae Shin’s face with his left hand and started moving it over Jae Shin’s chin and cheeks in hysterical strokes, sinking his fingertips into the skin.
Jae Shin licked the nearest finger. At that, Yong Ha moaned more loudly and pushed his index finger into Jae Shin’s mouth, adding the middle finger almost right away.

Jae Shin turned his tongue around them and sucked them in. After a while, he moved away and took the next finger into his mouth. He tried grazing his teeth on it, chewed carefully before releasing it, and then he snatched the next one.
Jae Shin basked in each small and subdued whimper Yong Ha made.
The taste of Yong Ha’s fingers mingled with the irony flavor of Yong Ha’s ring in Jae Shin’s mouth. He rolled his tongue to savor it fully, and keeping still was becoming more and more difficult.

Above, Yong Ha’s body was swaying. His neck, mottled with moonlight and the shadows of leaves, was stretching as an offering each time his head bobbed back or leaned to the sides.

It was right in front of Jae Shin yet out of reach.

Thus Jae Shin raised his head and shoulders in an attempt to change position without breaking contact.
It proved difficult, especially because Yong Ha wasn’t showing any will to do so.
Swiftly, Jae Shin toppled Yong Ha over, making him yelp in surprise first and chuckle right after. Jae Shin’s cock had slid out, and Yong Ha’s smile was daring him to proceed.

“Tsk,” said Jae Shin and pressed Yong Ha’s cheek to the ground, so Yong Ha’s amused eyes weren’t staring up at him anymore.
For as long as he had known, Jae Shin had been torn between two extremes whenever he had found himself under the scrutiny of Yong Ha’s eyes. One was ‘Don’t look at me now, I don’t want you to see me,’ and the other was ‘Look only at me, always at me and no one else.’
He bit Yong Ha’s ear from the lobe up and nestled against Yong Ha’s groins. Yong Ha’s sigh sounded entirely too comfortable and content, so Jae Shin bit with more strength.

Entering Yong Ha was easier this time, as Jae Shin’s hesitations were gone, and Yong Ha’s body opened up eagerly.

Soon, Jae Shin’s thrusts were coming at a steady pace, and he didn’t even try to hide his deep breaths or moans anymore.
Yong Ha grappled Jae Shin’s buttocks, as though to drag him closer and speed his movements up. He threw his legs over Jae Shin’s and locked his feet under Jae Shin’s butt, thus entrapping him.
Not that Jae Shin intended to go anywhere. Not now.
Under him, Yong Ha’s movements were becoming more impulsive; the friction of Yong Ha’s member against Jae Shin’s stomach turned into choppy shoves. Yong Ha moved a hand along Jae Shin’s back, following the spine for a bit, while the other hand began to play with a tuft of Jae Shin’s hair.

Jae Shin forced his eyes to remain open.
The white set of Yong Ha’s upper teeth and the dazzled gaze from the slits of his eyes, Jae Shin had to see them.

In a flash, Yong Ha’s fingers reached down, sneaking under Jae shin’s belly.
Jae Shin seized those arms by the wrists, brought them up so they were level with Yong Ha’s face, and locked them down.

Yong Ha grunted in displeasure, his head jerked aside, and his hips shot up. He began thrusting upwards quickly, desperately, whilst his hands were wrestling to snatch Jae shin’s shoulders or hair.
His tongue darted out of his mouth and licked the empty air.
Involuntarily, Jae Shin gave in to the rhythm, adding more force to his pushes.
Yong Ha clenched his fists, arched his back, and cried out.

Jae Shin could feel the throbs of Yong Ha’s cock underneath, the warm liquid spreading, and he rammed into Yong Ha, full force and no reason.
He let Yong Ha’s hands free to roam and tease wherever they pleased. Jae Shin’s nipples, the neck… Yong Ha’s fingertips lured out a luscious ache with every stroke, cloying Jae Shin’s mind with hopeless want.

Jae Shin couldn’t control the searing blaze that was rising up; it was tearing him apart. His thighs tensed up, and the muscles on his legs stiffened down to his toes.

Below his eyelids, bright flashes floated around.
The convulsions shook him; he was nothing but a tiny dot on the waves, their strength tossed Jae Shin around without mercy.
Everything that was inside him, now unfurled into Yong Ha.

All the same, Yong Ha kept goading Jae Shin’s senses into a maddening exhilaration with caresses. It was too much, too sharp, so Jae Shin caught Yong Ha’s hands and breathed in slowly.

He pried his eyes open, feeling as though around him the world was still fluttering in and out of existence.

Yong Ha looked like a creature from the heavens, his features delicate yet unabashed.

Jae Shin closed his eyes for a moment again and sighed.

Then he rolled down on his back. He didn’t feel the cold - heat was emanating from his body in waves, or so he felt. Despite the trepidation that still permeated his body, and the needles and pins pricking lightly in his fingers and toes, he felt as serene as he had never imagined possible. His muscles went limp.
His eyelids slipped together lazily, and his mouth elongated into a smile as he listened to Yong Ha’s breathing next to him.
He glanced at Yong Ha, and when the dimples at the sides of Yong Ha’s mouth deepened, Jae Shin felt he was smiling too.

Yong Ha sat up slowly and draw his hand over his stomach. A drop or two fell from his fingers on Jae Shin’s overcoat below.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Jae Shin said.
As to apologize, Yong Ha raised his palm, and the sticky liquid began to trickle down his fingers again.
Jae Shin rapped against Yong Ha’s side with the back of his hand. “Hey!”
One corner of Yong Ha’s lips shot up, and with his clean hand, he gave a gentle shove to Jae Shin’s shoulder.
“Tsk.” Jae Shin made a gesture as if to kick Yong Ha, but Yong Ha not for a moment took it as a real threat.
His ankles bumped against Jae Shin’s and retreated quickly.
“You!” said Jae Shin and tried to sound menacing, but they were both grinning.

Yong Ha leaned on an elbow, while his other hand was still hanging awkwardly in the air. He watched Jae Shin without a word and sucked his lower lip in. Then he bent down and pressed a swift kiss on the corner of Jae Shin’s mouth.
Jae Shin could feel warmth spreading inside him.

“I need something to clean this up,” Yong Ha said.
He reached for his discarded clothes, and Jae Shin sat to fumble about his own clothes as well.

The first thing Jae Shin found was a yellow handkerchief. He stared at it as if it were an alien object from long forgotten past, and then it came back to him.
His brother’s death and his mission. The decision to forget Yong Ha, the anger, and Kim Yoon Shik.

“Thank you,” said Yong Ha and pulled the handkerchief from Jae Shin’s hand.
Jae Shin looked up and met Yong Ha’s penetrating gaze. A fear overcame him. “Give it back!”
He tried to get hold of the handkerchief, but Yong Ha was faster.

“It’s a female handkerchief. Where did you get it?” Yong Ha winked and his smile became mischievous.
Instantly, Jae Shin became aware of the reality between them.
Yong Ha was a player.

“It’s Kim Yoon Shik’s,” said Jae Shin, hoping he sounded as if he cared deeply about it. The idea was hardly believable now, with Yong Ha’s scent imprinted deeply into his pores, and his lips puffy from Yong Ha’s teeth. Yong Ha would see through it and laugh. And most of all, Yong Ha’d know he had Jae Shin at the hollow of his hand. Supposing Yong Ha hadn’t known it all along…

Jae Shin gulped. “Give it back.”
“Ah, Daemul’s. ” Yong Ha weighted the handkerchief as if he were weighting his thoughts. Then he bowed his head and started laughing.
Jae Shin waited, waited for any other word, even if the word would be doom to him.
Yong Ha returned Kim Yoon Shik’s handkerchief. “A bit chilly here,” he said as shiver took his body.
Then he turned around and occupied himself with the robe.

Wouldn’t Yong Ha say anything else?

Jae Shin sat, feeling cold and exposed all of the sudden, while Yong Ha scrubbed his hand with another handkerchief and began to wipe his stomach and loins as well.
Then he refolded the handkerchief and glimpsed back. With visible reluctance, Yong Ha passed his handkerchief to Jae Shin.
Jae Shin took it. It was soft and wet at the edges, and Jae Shin brushed across it with his thumb.
Yong Ha started to put on layer after layer of clothing.

Jae Shin couldn’t follow what was going on anymore. Not that this was anything new. And as usual, there was nothing he could ask or say to clear his doubts. Gathering information out of seemingly insignificant details was Yong Ha’s specialty, not his.

Yong Ha picked up his hat and brushed it.

Meanwhile Jae Shin hurried to clean himself and dress up. When Yong Ha wasn’t looking, he hid the handkerchief between the folds of his clothes.

Yong Ha took Jae Shin’s overcoat and came closer, walking at a slow pace and swinging his weight from one foot to the other.
He smiled at Jae Shin and helped him fasten the belt.

At this point, Jae Shin almost asked, “What am I to you?” but stopped himself in time, because that would sound downright ridiculous.

“Hm,” said Yong Ha, glancing first at Jae Shin’s hands and then searching the ground with his eyes. Probably looking for his handkerchief. Yong Ha tilted his head and shrugged.

Jae Shin pretended not to notice. He tried to move past Yong Ha, but Yong Ha blocked the way.

“Listen.” Yong Ha placed one hand on Yong Ha’s shoulder. “It’s no use to pretend. Not anymore.” For a difference, there was no trace of mocking or jest on his face.
Involuntarily, Jae Shin made a nod with his head. He avoided Yong Ha’s eyes, as they made him feel dizzy again, but he felt relieved at the same time. Maybe he had lost everything by this admittance, but at least he didn’t have to hide anymore.
It was up to Yong Ha now.

The grip on his shoulder tightened.
“Kim Yoon Shik,” said Yong Ha. “If you like her, it’s no use sighing after her from afar. Women are not meant to be watched, they are meant to be touched and loved.” Yong Ha nodded, as if that lent truth to his words.

Jae Shin twitched. He could barely believe his ears. “And what about…” His hands made a vague gesture pointing from him to Yong Ha.
“Ah, that?” said Yong Ha, and Jae Shin didn’t like the cheerful voice on bit.
Neither did Jae Shin like the plastered smile on Yong Ha’s face.
“You don’t have to worry about it,” Yong Ha said. “It’s nothing.”

Nothing, echoed in Jae Shin’s ears. Nothing.
Funny how one word could hurt worse than a knife into the flesh.

“She doesn’t have to know,” Yong Ha continued in a lower voice, looking serious again. He tilted his head and closed his eyes, as though he had to swallow something. “If you…”

Jae Shin didn’t want to listen to this anymore. He shook Yong Ha’s hand off. “It’s none of your business.”
“After all this, are you still going to pretend you’re too virtuous to like and want someone?” said Yong Ha. ““The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks of comfort.” Is that what you think?” Yong Ha’s voice rose higher. “Are you too vain or only too afraid?”

“We should go back.” Jae Shin glanced at Yong Ha and began walking.

Yong Ha followed behind him in silence, but Jae Shin could still feel the penetrating gaze glued to his back.
“Ah,” said Yong Ha after a while, “I forgot my fan. I’m going back to get it. You go ahead; I’ll come right after you.”
With those words, he disappeared into the woods.

Jae Shin halted for a moment, wondering what to do. He was glad Yong Ha had gone back for the fan and not the handkerchief.
In the end he concluded that going away from Yong Ha made more sense that going after him.

Soon enough, Jae Shin reached the fire camp, where the scholars were still singing drunken songs, and sat down.
Two scholars, drunk senseless by the look if it, approached him and began talking to him, but one annoyed look from Jae Shin was enough to drive them away.
He waited, but there was no sign on Yong Ha yet. What was taking him so long?

Had Yong Ha even had a fan with him?
Jae Shin wasn’t sure anymore, and his hand instinctively went to trace the shape of Yong Ha’s damp handkerchief under the robe.

He wanted to wait a little longer, but his feet were becoming impatient. His tongue smacked.
“That guy…” he whispered, and his legs were already running back.

“Yeorim?” he cried. “Yong Ha!”
There were only trees and cold and darkness.
“Goo Yong Ha? Goo Yong Ha!”

“Hm?” was the response he got finally. Yong Ha was walking toward Jae Shin slowly, his face unperturbed. “Geol Oh? What are you doing here?”

Jea Shin took a moment to compose himself. He had run like a fool for no reason.
“Did you find your fan?” he finally said instead of answering Yong Ha’s question.
“Ah, the fan?” Yong Ha touched his chin as in contemplation. “I think I left it at the camp after all.”
He smiled at Jae Shin, but when he placed an arm over Jae Shin’s shoulder, his eyes looked oddly moist, red around the irises, and the tip of his nose had a hint of red as well.
Sighing, he patted Jae Shin’s chest with the other hand. “Should we go now?”

In his mind Jae Shin cursed the darkness, which prevented him from seeing Yong Ha’s face clearly.
Although he knew Yong Ha couldn’t have been crying, the thought made him uneasy nevertheless.
And even if Yong Ha had indeed been crying, it was surely part of another Yong Ha’s trick and nothing more.
There was no other possible explanation; Jae Shin knew better than to deceive himself. He was not as gullible as Yong Ha had thought.

They began descending, and Yong Ha pressed his cheek closer to Jae Shin, saying, “What have you decided about Kim Yoon Shik, then?” His lips spread into a teasing grin. “Will you follow my advice?”

Jae Shin elbowed him in the ribs as a way of response, and Yong Ha moved away.

The words reminded Jae Shin that he had been gulled into a wordless promise that had never existed outside his mind, all despite his best effort.

Often he had thought he would scream, entrapped between Yong Ha’s ambiguous words and tantalizing little touches, and it was no different now.
All along, he had been the one suffering among the two. The only one suffering.

Who could tell, perhaps this was according Yong Ha’s plan and served merely as Ha’s twisted amusement. It wouldn’t have been below Yong Ha’s standards, would it, now?
Moon Jae Shin, fallen victim to such trivial emotions, to lust for another man, no less. Moon Jae Shin, easy prey to a person who took whatever he wanted and then abandoned it without any regard.
What a ridiculous man this Moon Jae Shin was!

Jae Shin smiled at his own stupidity; he would laugh if he could.

In front of him, Yong Ha was gazing down at the sleeves, searching for possible blots on his silk.
“Is it stained anywhere?” Yong Ha asked and spun around. The beaded string of his hat glimmered in the dusk.

Jae Shin huffed, but he agreed to look at the robe nevertheless. As far as he could tell, Yong Ha’s clothes were still prissily clean in the front, so he turned Yong Ha to see if there were green or brown patches on the back.
Crouching, he took the hem of Yong Ha’s robe between his fingers and lifted it slightly toward the dim moonlight.
It was almost like going back in time, when they had been only children and touching each other had come so easily, without hidden meanings or doubts. There had been no pain at the time yet. His brother had been alive, his father had not looked at Jae Shin with disappointment, and Yong Ha…

There was no way of going back, though, no way to become children again, at least not in this life. Jae Shin found himself wondering if in the next life he would meet Yong Ha again. Would he yearn for Yong Ha as much as in this? Perhaps in the next life, or in the one after that, there would a way to soothe Jae Shin’s torment.

“No.” Jae Shin said and released the silken fabric. “There are no stains.”
He remembered that the inside of his own overcoat was stained, however. Marked by Yong Ha, as everything else that Jae Shin possessed. His mind, his body, his soul, and now even his clothes.

He stood up, and Yong Ha was facing him, this time with a serious expression on his face. Yong Ha’s lips wobbled as if they wanted to say something or merely provoke Jae Shin into madness, but whichever it was, Yong Ha gave up on it. He smiled and hugged Jae Shin with one arm.

Loving Kim Yoon Shik would be easier, thought Jae Shin. As impossible as it was to have Yoon Shik, at least as long as Lee Sun Joon existed, it was still less hopeless, less inane than wanting Yong Ha.

This one thing Moon Jae Shin knew for certain.
He could gather all his hopes and hang them trembling upon Yoon Shik, he could will all the happiness to flood his chest each time Kim Yoon Shik smiled at him, and he could descend into the deepest agony when she looked away, yet none of that would make Jae Shin forget Goo Yong Ha. Not in this life, and probably not in the ones to come.

But Goo Yong Ha would never look at him that way, and if anything, Jae Shin was nobody’s tool.

They walked in silence again.
Yong Ha’s hand on Jae Shin’s back was reassuring, his whole presence something Jae Shin wished to cling on and seize, from the scent that emanated from Yong Ha’s skin to the deepest pulse inside his veins. Yong Ha’s open smile had never ceased to tantalize Jae Shin into hidden wishes.

Just a few more moments, a few more steps like this, and Jae Shin would have to push Yong Ha away, before they would rejoin the other scholars.
Just a few more moments…
Jae Shin inhaled the dank air and tried to muster his determination.

Sequel: Hunter's Knife