that was very much your style, but obviously not your best. you know what i liked about it? that it was a sort of thinking-out-loud thing. but you tended to vacillate between a more... aesthetic?... type of writing and a more informal kind, which don't gel very well (good grief that rhymed)eg "Then there are the rooms that aren't too cold... But only without the rain. If it rains, we cannot go outside, cannot enjoy the coolness". i dunno, were you trying to integrate the abstract with the real? transition could've been better.
NOW the thing i liked the most: the very last line. it seems to say "look at all this thinking. a child would just enjoy it." and it's so startlingly out of place, and so fitting, that i like it!
*much luff to you for being my most constructively critical reviewer*
I don't think it was my best, no. I do think I'll be rewriting at least some parts of this so that they make more sense. Mostly I'm trying to get a feel for writing in the abstract. I dunno, did you get what the rain was supposed to symbolise? There was a meaning behind it I'm not sure I brought across very well. So no, I'm not quite there yet. I do need more work on writing in this style, don't I?
*hopes she sees something else that will inspire more so she can practise*
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NOW the thing i liked the most: the very last line. it seems to say "look at all this thinking. a child would just enjoy it." and it's so startlingly out of place, and so fitting, that i like it!
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I don't think it was my best, no. I do think I'll be rewriting at least some parts of this so that they make more sense. Mostly I'm trying to get a feel for writing in the abstract. I dunno, did you get what the rain was supposed to symbolise? There was a meaning behind it I'm not sure I brought across very well. So no, I'm not quite there yet. I do need more work on writing in this style, don't I?
*hopes she sees something else that will inspire more so she can practise*
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