(no subject)
With huge hugs of empathy and a raised fist of support for Spuffys, Spangels, and C/A fans everywhere…
FIDDLEY BITS THEATER PRESENTS:
INSULT YOUR AUDIENCE DAY starring BUFFY ISSUE 36!
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 42nd Annual Insult Your Audience Day Parade! I’m Cokie Roberts-”
“And I’m Lee Stinkweed-”
“And we’ve got some amazing, amazing entries this year!”
“They’re absolutely fantastic, Cokie. I threw up in my driveway twice just from watching the behind-the-scenes interviews. I’m tellin’ ya’, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner!”
“That’s right, Lee, and first up is the Dark Horse float! They’ll be doing a reenactment of their latest Buffy comic book issue. Let’s listen in…”
"Oooooooh, Angel, you’re the ginchiest! I love you and only you, and I’ve never loved anyone else and that includes my entire family.”
“Daaaaah - you wuvs me? Weally?”
“Yes. The last time I saw Spike, he died saving me and my people. Not that I give a rat’s ass. I just wanted to throw it in there to give his fans a micro-second of hope that I was about to show some appreciation for him.”
“What you’ve done for me, I can’t describe. I can’t pronounce. because I never learned how to read Only you can make my cleft weep and I was faking it with Spike every time but don’t tell him I said that because it’ll break his heart - no, wait, go ahead, tell him - and what a groovy celebration of the massacre of hundreds of people on your orders! This is the weirdest, bestest, weirdest, best day of my life!
I failed Spelling and Composition, too. The neatest, keenest, goodest, lovingingested, romantericalic, flooberstooperdoodoo bushtwee…”
“Daaaaah.”
“And thank god Spike didn’t show up early and interrupt our galactic coital bliss! Although it would have been fun to watch his world crumble again when he saw us in love and naked together.”
“Daaaaah, BLURP! Heh, heh.”
“What a magnificent display of offensiveness! I don’t know about you, but I think the Faces of Death Videos float is going to be hard-pressed to top this one. Yes, cold-blooded murder is an art, but there’s just something about the self-centered arrogance of Angel and Buffy that subtly eats away at your sense of all human decency.”
“By the way, what’s that green shit on her face, Cokie?”
“I’m not sure, Lee.”
“Oh, they’re beginning another scene now…”
“Hi, there, Angel! I’m The Power That Be, cleverly disguised as a cocker spaniel. I’ve got some instructions for you to follow; you’ll be fucking up the entire universe for its own good. Then I’ve got some swampland in Florida that I’d like to sell you, and a Nigerian princess for you to accept nine million dollars from via e-mail in exchange for your bank account number. Say, can you lift your knee just a little to the left…yeah, that’s it…ohhhh, yeah…”
“Daaaah.”
“Yum, a fresh cat turd!” *nom nom nom* “Ball-licking is so Junior High humor. If you’re gonna go for the gross-out, be a man and do it with feces.”
“Daaaaah, okay, I do your instructions. Buffy’s hair is shiny.”
“Damn, you really are the world’s most gullible dumbass, aren’t you?”
“The character assassination just practically writes itself, folks! Here’s more…”
“I’m here to try to help-”
“Shut up. Thanks for helping us before, I guess. Sorry I never bothered to contact you or acknowledge your existence; I was busy balancing more pencil cups on my head. …Whew, glad to get that speech over with. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO SHAMEFUL THINGS LIKE TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT?”
“AUUGH, my crotch! What was that fo-”
“Shut up. Tell me what I want to know.”
“Fine. Here it is: your refusal to care about anything but Angel has caused thousands of innocent people to die hideous, excruciating deaths, and will likely also cause the deaths of millions more.”
*two-second lip quiver* “Shut up! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO SHAMEFUL THINGS LIKE FEEL GUILT AND ACCOUNTABILITY? La la la, I don’t hear you; I don’t hear you!”
“AUUGH, my crotch!”
“Wow. If this float isn’t nominated for the Bobby Ewing Shower Dream Award, I’ll eat my hat. I’ve never seen a more callous disregard for the feelings of a fan base than today’s effort by Joss Whedon; this tops even his ‘ha, ha, ha, fuck you’ to the Fred and Fresley fans and the Willow/Tara shippers. Imagine the douche-iness it must take to string a shipper group along for years, knowing that all they’re asking for is one onscreen show of happiness from Buffy that Spike is alive -- one scene of mutual tenderness - one sign that she cares, for reasons other than ‘he’s useful to us’ -- and then to deny them even the barest crumb.”
“He certainly has hawked a lugey right in their faces, Lee! A huge, childish, hateful lugey, too. I haven’t witnessed a lugey-hawking that nasty since my grandfather’s last sinus infection-”
“Hold on a sec, Cokie. The characters seem to be going off-script! Buffy’s thrown down her mike clip and pushed Angel off the float, yelling at him to escape to the good fanfic writers while there’s still time! Now she’s reaching out through the screen like the ghost girl in Ringu, and grabbing Mr. Whedon by the…”
“Okay, Asswipe, repeat after me: ‘Buffy. Loves. Spike. And. Angel. Equally.’”
“B-buffy loves Spike…and Angel…no, no, no, you’re ruining all my fun!”
*squeeze*
“AUUGH, my crotch!”
“Now the next part. ‘Angel. Loves. Cordelia. And. Buffy. Equally. And: Angel..And. Spike. Do. Not. Hate. Each. Other.’”
“I’ll let you all go back to IDW, I swear! Just don’t make me say-”
*twist*
“AUUGH, BuffylovesSpikeandAngelandAngellovesCordeliaandBuffyandAngelisokaywithSpike. EQUALLY!”
“Good boy. Now just one more thing. ‘Spike loves Buffy, but he also loves Fred, and Fred and Buffy are going to move to Utah and happily share him.’”
(Author’s Note: What, y’all didn’t think I was going to leave out my own One True Pairing, did you?)
“Well, Dark Horse may have lost the contest, Lee, but I think it was worth it to see Joss’s nuts get ripped out.”
“Absolutely, Cokie, absolutely! A super job by Buffy, who I’d tip my hat to if it weren’t glued to my head. Be sure to join us next year, folks, when our Grand Marshal will be novelist Anne Rice, who publicly called her readers stupid for posting negative reviews of her book Blood Canticle on Amazon dot com. Until then, this is Cokie Roberts and Lee Stinkweed saying ‘Goodnight, everybody!’”
~end~
The Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection
FIDDLEY BITS THEATER PRESENTS:
INSULT YOUR AUDIENCE DAY starring BUFFY ISSUE 36!
“Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 42nd Annual Insult Your Audience Day Parade! I’m Cokie Roberts-”
“And I’m Lee Stinkweed-”
“And we’ve got some amazing, amazing entries this year!”
“They’re absolutely fantastic, Cokie. I threw up in my driveway twice just from watching the behind-the-scenes interviews. I’m tellin’ ya’, it’s going to be hard to pick a winner!”
“That’s right, Lee, and first up is the Dark Horse float! They’ll be doing a reenactment of their latest Buffy comic book issue. Let’s listen in…”
"Oooooooh, Angel, you’re the ginchiest! I love you and only you, and I’ve never loved anyone else and that includes my entire family.”
“Daaaaah - you wuvs me? Weally?”
“Yes. The last time I saw Spike, he died saving me and my people. Not that I give a rat’s ass. I just wanted to throw it in there to give his fans a micro-second of hope that I was about to show some appreciation for him.”
“What you’ve done for me, I can’t describe. I can’t pronounce. because I never learned how to read Only you can make my cleft weep and I was faking it with Spike every time but don’t tell him I said that because it’ll break his heart - no, wait, go ahead, tell him - and what a groovy celebration of the massacre of hundreds of people on your orders! This is the weirdest, bestest, weirdest, best day of my life!
I failed Spelling and Composition, too. The neatest, keenest, goodest, lovingingested, romantericalic, flooberstooperdoodoo bushtwee…”
“Daaaaah.”
“And thank god Spike didn’t show up early and interrupt our galactic coital bliss! Although it would have been fun to watch his world crumble again when he saw us in love and naked together.”
“Daaaaah, BLURP! Heh, heh.”
“What a magnificent display of offensiveness! I don’t know about you, but I think the Faces of Death Videos float is going to be hard-pressed to top this one. Yes, cold-blooded murder is an art, but there’s just something about the self-centered arrogance of Angel and Buffy that subtly eats away at your sense of all human decency.”
“By the way, what’s that green shit on her face, Cokie?”
“I’m not sure, Lee.”
“Oh, they’re beginning another scene now…”
“Hi, there, Angel! I’m The Power That Be, cleverly disguised as a cocker spaniel. I’ve got some instructions for you to follow; you’ll be fucking up the entire universe for its own good. Then I’ve got some swampland in Florida that I’d like to sell you, and a Nigerian princess for you to accept nine million dollars from via e-mail in exchange for your bank account number. Say, can you lift your knee just a little to the left…yeah, that’s it…ohhhh, yeah…”
“Daaaah.”
“Yum, a fresh cat turd!” *nom nom nom* “Ball-licking is so Junior High humor. If you’re gonna go for the gross-out, be a man and do it with feces.”
“Daaaaah, okay, I do your instructions. Buffy’s hair is shiny.”
“Damn, you really are the world’s most gullible dumbass, aren’t you?”
“The character assassination just practically writes itself, folks! Here’s more…”
“I’m here to try to help-”
“Shut up. Thanks for helping us before, I guess. Sorry I never bothered to contact you or acknowledge your existence; I was busy balancing more pencil cups on my head. …Whew, glad to get that speech over with. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO SHAMEFUL THINGS LIKE TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT?”
“AUUGH, my crotch! What was that fo-”
“Shut up. Tell me what I want to know.”
“Fine. Here it is: your refusal to care about anything but Angel has caused thousands of innocent people to die hideous, excruciating deaths, and will likely also cause the deaths of millions more.”
*two-second lip quiver* “Shut up! WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO SHAMEFUL THINGS LIKE FEEL GUILT AND ACCOUNTABILITY? La la la, I don’t hear you; I don’t hear you!”
“AUUGH, my crotch!”
“Wow. If this float isn’t nominated for the Bobby Ewing Shower Dream Award, I’ll eat my hat. I’ve never seen a more callous disregard for the feelings of a fan base than today’s effort by Joss Whedon; this tops even his ‘ha, ha, ha, fuck you’ to the Fred and Fresley fans and the Willow/Tara shippers. Imagine the douche-iness it must take to string a shipper group along for years, knowing that all they’re asking for is one onscreen show of happiness from Buffy that Spike is alive -- one scene of mutual tenderness - one sign that she cares, for reasons other than ‘he’s useful to us’ -- and then to deny them even the barest crumb.”
“He certainly has hawked a lugey right in their faces, Lee! A huge, childish, hateful lugey, too. I haven’t witnessed a lugey-hawking that nasty since my grandfather’s last sinus infection-”
“Hold on a sec, Cokie. The characters seem to be going off-script! Buffy’s thrown down her mike clip and pushed Angel off the float, yelling at him to escape to the good fanfic writers while there’s still time! Now she’s reaching out through the screen like the ghost girl in Ringu, and grabbing Mr. Whedon by the…”
“Okay, Asswipe, repeat after me: ‘Buffy. Loves. Spike. And. Angel. Equally.’”
“B-buffy loves Spike…and Angel…no, no, no, you’re ruining all my fun!”
*squeeze*
“AUUGH, my crotch!”
“Now the next part. ‘Angel. Loves. Cordelia. And. Buffy. Equally. And: Angel..And. Spike. Do. Not. Hate. Each. Other.’”
“I’ll let you all go back to IDW, I swear! Just don’t make me say-”
*twist*
“AUUGH, BuffylovesSpikeandAngelandAngellovesCordeliaandBuffyandAngelisokaywithSpike. EQUALLY!”
“Good boy. Now just one more thing. ‘Spike loves Buffy, but he also loves Fred, and Fred and Buffy are going to move to Utah and happily share him.’”
(Author’s Note: What, y’all didn’t think I was going to leave out my own One True Pairing, did you?)
“Well, Dark Horse may have lost the contest, Lee, but I think it was worth it to see Joss’s nuts get ripped out.”
“Absolutely, Cokie, absolutely! A super job by Buffy, who I’d tip my hat to if it weren’t glued to my head. Be sure to join us next year, folks, when our Grand Marshal will be novelist Anne Rice, who publicly called her readers stupid for posting negative reviews of her book Blood Canticle on Amazon dot com. Until then, this is Cokie Roberts and Lee Stinkweed saying ‘Goodnight, everybody!’”
~end~
The Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection