FIC: General Chaos, Under Control (PG-13)
Title: General Chaos, Under Control
Type: Fic
Age-Range Category: Five
Characters: Severus, original and canonical characters, implied and otherwise
Author: iulia_linnea
Rating: PG-13
Click to View [Warning(s)]For ever-so-mild mentions of goriness.
Summary: Hogwarts' denizens answer every challenge with which the school presents them and find a way to enjoy their lives at the same time.
Several house-elves looked on in horror as skeletal remains formed and filled and exploded, the howling of spectral figures bemoaning the loss of what was theirs.
"They have stolen from us!"
"What has they stolen?" asked one elf of another.
"The inside stuffs gone powdery," she replied. "But you is not to be worrying. Headmaster Snape is going to call for help soon."
"Good. We is capable," one of the elves asserted.
Another replied, "But he is having the company!"
"Yes, yes," several other elves agreed, "but he is capable, too."
"RETURN MY BITS, THOU WRETCH!"
"I is hoping he is calling soon!"
"Yes, but after we is sorting this, pay rises for all!"
The other elves gasped . . . but nodded their agreement.
~*~
Bang!
"What is the meaning of this?" asked Severus, as he stood under the lintel of his door.
One of his Slytherins grinned. "You grabbed the wrong robes, I think."
Shit, thought Severus, refusing to look down at the lime green robes he realised he must be wearing. "You made a loud bang, Crenshaw. At four in the morning. Why?"
"Well, I didn't mean to drop it, but-"
"Crenshaw, my patience is finite. What are you doing out of bed after curfew? And whose ashes," continued Severus, "are these?"
The Hufflepuff crouched behind Crenshaw coughed and stood up. "Morning, sir."
"Mr. Allen," replied Severus.
"You see, what happened was that-"
"No. Spare me. I'm going back to bed. Clean up this mess-quietly-and return to your rooms. If you do that, we shall never speak of this again. Is that clear?"
Crenshaw and Allen grinned. "Yes, sir!"
~*~
"What was it?" Healer Joshua Banks asked, holding up the coverlet.
Severus slid under it. "Nothing you need worry about, I assure you."
"I heard something about 'ashes'?" pressed Joshua.
Severus rolled his eyes. "One of our ghosts is arguing with one of Ravenclaw's ghosts, and I believe Crenshaw and Allen have elected to put an end to the matter by stealing the Ravenclaw ghost's remains."
Joshua frowned. "Well, that's awful."
"Not as awful as it could be. I've taken the liberty of replacing the actual remains with false ones to avoid . . . complications."
"You mean, such as Ravenclaw ghosts haunting Slytherin because of a bit of spilled remains?"
"Exactly."
"And has that sort of thing happened before?"
"Yes."
"And?" prompted Joshua.
"I don't speak of it."
"Come on, Severus. It sounds like an interesting story."
"Joshua, it's only 'interesting' if one enjoys macabre tales of bloodcurdling curses, lengthy negotiations of wages with irritated house-elves, and terrified students whose hair has gone white with fright." Severus reached for Joshua, performing a rather intimate manoeuvre with his hand.
"Oh!"
"Is that the sort of thing that interests you?" asked Severus, pitching his voice to its lowest register.
"Fuck."
"Yes," answered Severus, "I'd like that."
~*~
"Good morning, Professor Scamander," Severus greeted Luna, later that afternoon.
"Sunday mornings do run long, yes," she said, blinking rapidly. "Rolf and I never made it to breakfast."
Severus frowned. "You are very pale. Are you well?"
"I just couldn't eat, is all. There are entrails in the Ravenclaw common room, Slytherin ones. It stinks. I can't banish the stench, and . . . I'm confused. I thought we agreed that we'd hide the ghosts' remains to avoid this sort of thing happening again?"
"Eat this," Severus told her, pushing a Lemon Sherbert into her hand. "It'll help with your low blood sugar, and the shock."
"But I'm not in . . . ."
Luna collapsed to the floor, Severus swore as he half-caught her, and then house-elves appeared.
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
"There is being blood in my common room!" shouted Bissy, who was assigned to the Gryffindors.
An elf assigned to the thestral stables, called Nessy, practically screeched, "Someone has been mucking about in my stables! There is being candyfloss in their feed bags!"
"Dancing organs! Dancing kidneys and livers and spleens!" Lenny roared. "Everywhere! They is leaving blood and . . . and nasty messes everywhere!"
Fuck, Severus thought, kneeling above Luna. "Take Professor Scamander to the Infirmary this instant, all of you!"
The elves each took hold of a part of Luna's person and levitated her through the door-as if she were a ghost. Severus took a few deep breaths; house-elf magic was occasionally disturbing to witness, and as Headmaster, he got to see more of it than he'd ever imagined there was.
Should I have reminded them that she's pregnant? he wondered briefly, before dismissing the thought. Kissy was there, and she's assigned to Ravenclaw.
House-elves knew more about their human charges than their own humans knew about themselves. Between them and Poppy, Luna would be fine.
But I've got to do something about the haunting event, and I've got to do it right now.
He rose and walked to the wall behind his desk, pulling aside a curtain. The plain rectangle of mirror that was his eyes and ears gleamed emptily at him. It was odd to behold a mirror without reflection, but Severus was becoming increasingly used to the sight. He tapped it, his intent clear.
Show me.
The mirror obeyed him.
"Oh, for the love of . . . ."
Hogwarts' corridors ran with blood, and angry ghosts from every house howled as they levitated through walls and tore at their spectral hair and moaned. No common room was spared. No dormitory, either.
"Dancing organs, indeed," Severus said, watching them chase students around and over furniture, into alcoves, under beds. "The little shits found the actual remains."
He was, he was surprised to find, proud of the little bastards. His spellwork with regard to locking charms was excellent.
"They must have followed me."
He wasn't certain if he meant Crenshaw or Allen, or both, but he meant to find out.
"The points I'm going to take!" he thundered, imagining how high the dudgeon of the house-elves would be and wincing to think of Hogwarts' staffing budget.
The scent of strong coffee met his nostrils. "Thank you, Joshua," he said, ending his silent incantation upon the mirror and taking his . . . friend's offered cup. "House-elves?"
"They're amazing. The world is ending at Hogwarts, but they still-"
"Serve, yes," Severus replied. "They're paid well enough to sort anything, I assure you. Now, watch this."
Joshua tilted his head at Severus as he pointed his wand at his throat.
Severus cleared it. "House-elves of Hogwarts, heed me!"
A ripple ran through the reality of the room, perceived but unseen. The elves were listening.
"I don't need to know how, I don't want to know why, but I expect everything to be put back to rights as fast as you can manage it. Is that clear?" Severus saw Joshua's expression change from one of interest to wide-eyed admiration, and thought, It's the way the spell alters my voice.
The reality of attentive house-elves rippled through the room again, and then everything felt, to Severus, still. Calm. Being dealt with.
Good. That's worth a pay rise, no matter how steep. He drained his coffee cup and pulled Joshua to him. "Fancy another fuck?"
~*~
"You know, when you brought the little Gryffindor firstie to St Mungo's yourself, I never dreamed that I'd end up returning with you."
"I did," Severus told him, "hence your welcome presence in my bed."
Joshua laughed. "I wonder how little Molly is doing?"
"I imagine regretting her life choices as she awaits her punishment for her ill-advised, dangerous, and stupidly bold behaviour."
"And just what will that punishment be?" asked Joshua.
"I neither know nor care. Minerva will see to it."
"Professor McGonagall-the energy that witch has is astonishing to me, and honestly, you're rather more, er, mellow than I would have thought."
"How did you come to form an opinion of me? the papers? the Wireless?"
Joshua drew the coverlet up over them, saying, "Those things, my colleagues, my family."
"Ah, yes. You've a member of the Wizengamot amongst that number, if I recall correctly."
"That's true," Joshua said, his tone amused. "She wouldn't speak to me if she knew we were shagging-but I don't mean her. My uncle's an Auror, and Potter and Weasley have been very good for your reputation in that department."
Severus snorted. "I'm sure. Well, no, I do know that, the irritating brats."
Joshua laughed. "I wouldn't be so hard on them. They mean well, and it's turned out all right for you, I think, overall."
"If you call bleeding walls and dancing organs 'all right'."
"I don't, but then, I've no idea what going to school here is like. I attended Durmstrang."
"Ah, that explains it, why I didn't remember you." Severus shifted. "I'm not like to forget you now."
"What a charmer you are. And no, I shouldn't think so," Joshua told him, pulling him close for a kiss.
"The calling of the elves like that," Severus said, after finding his breath, "I invented that, well, with a bit of assistance."
"Would that be Hermione Granger, that assistance?"
"Don't be jealous after so short-"
Joshua laughed.
"-an acquaintance. We never actually dated, just, well . . . ."
"I hope that we'll do more than 'just, well'," Joshua said, snuggling into Severus' shoulder. "But perhaps we should sleep for now. It's been an interesting day."
"Is that what we're calling it?" Severus asked.
"Mmm, most interesting 'one-off' I've ever had."
"I thought you wanted more than that?"
"Severus, I like fucking you, and I think you're fascinating. I do want to get to know you better, but for now-"
"Sleep, it is."
~*~
"Oh, good. They sleep. They is all sleeping," Bizzy, a Slytherin elf remarked, quietly gliding through a wall with her charge.
"Is it being always like this?" asked the young Minny, in the corridor outside of the Headmaster's private quarters. "Inside dead parts being outside, the bloody walls, the . . . the . . . general chaos?"
"Ooo, good phrasing! And yes," Bizzy answered, "there is always being the general chaos, but now the Headmaster is trusting us lots!"
"It was being very fun."
Bizzy looked around. "No one's about. Speak normally."
"It was fun," Minny said. "I liked putting the ghosts' parts away and cleaning up all that mess. I learnt a new cleaning mixture!"
"You know already so many, Minny," praised Bizzy. "How did you learn so quickly?"
"My nest mates and I studied under a very old elf, Nrrissy."
"Oh! Yes, Nrrissy is a good and knowledgeable elf. She's served at Hogwarts for longer than any other elf. My teacher told me that Nrrissy refuses to die!"
Minny's eyes widened. "Can we do that?"
Bizzy stuck her tongue out before retorting, "Silly! Of course not! Come, let's go repair that tapestry behind which the older Slytherins smoke. I can't abide holes in things."
Minny grinned. "Neither can I! Oh, Bizzy, there's never a dull moment here!"
"Not for trusted and well paid elves, no," agreed Bizzy, following her student to where another challenge awaited them.