Fic: A Bloke's Guide to Living Happily Ever After
A Remus/Sirius fic in which the boys attend a men's seminar on how to live happily with your significant other. (Harry Potter;PG-13;Pre-Azkaban)
Title:A Bloke's Guide to Living Happily Ever After
Pairing:Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Rating:PG-13
Word Count:3311
Disclaimer:JK Rowling's characters, not mine.
“Remus! Remus! Moony!”
Remus Lupin shaved his face in front of the mirror in the bathroom, trying not to yell back as his boyfriend’s yells became louder and exasperated.
“Moooony!” continued the shouting from the other room.
Remus, rinsing his face, flinched when a sleepy but annoyed Sirius Black appeared in the doorway. “Remus, what the hell? Didn’t you hear me? I’ve been calling you forever.”
“You were shouting,” Remus quietly responded.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t shouting; I was talking loudly. How else were you gonna hear me from the bedroom?”
“Well, I heard shouting, and you already know I’m not going to respond when that happens,” said Remus as he dried his face with a washcloth.
“Okay, sorry. Come on, come back to bed,” Sirius said casually as he grabbed one of Remus’s arms. Remus pulled back his arm and looked closely at Sirius.
“It’s Saturday, Sirius.”
“I know; you said you’d do that thing I read about in the magazine. Come on,” Sirius said eagerly.
Remus shook his head as he spoke to Sirius’s reflection in the mirror. “No, not that. We have the seminar today.”
“What seminar? What?”
Remus sighed loudly. “I told you last night after work. And you’ve known about it for two weeks-the domestic life workshops my mom signed us up for.”
Sirius rubbed his face. “You mean we’re actually going? Thought we both agreed it was rubbish.”
“Well, my mother doesn’t think so. And she already paid the non-refundable fees. She only wants to be sure that we’re capable of living on our own.”
“We’re twenty, Remus.”
“We’re men, Sirius.”
“So we’re really going? It’s my day off, Remus,” whined Sirius.
Remus carefully combed his hair and looked closely at his boyfriend. “You don’t work tomorrow, either, you prat.”
“Yeah, but you work and then you won’t be here for the thing,” said Sirius, scratching his stomach through the thin, white shirt he wore. “And don’t say you’ll do it after work ‘cause you’re always dead tired when you get back from the hospital.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” said Remus with a smile.
Sirius ruffled Remus’s hair as he walked by him to get to the toilet bowl. Remus combed his hair again as he glanced at Sirius. “Lift the seat up.”
Sirius, relieving himself in front of the bowl, turned his head sideways to face Remus. “I think I know how to do this.”
“Watch the floor.”
“Damnit!” Sirius jumped around the bathroom in order to avoid the mess on the floor. Remus, observing everything through the mirror, laughed and turned around to look at Sirius.
“I’ve told you not to walk around in your bare feet, haven’t I?” admonished Remus, trying to sound firm despite the wide grin on his face.
“Oh, shut up, Mrs. Lupin,” Sirius said snidely.
Remus crossed his arms. “What was that?”
“Nothing, I-hey!” Sirius held up an almost-bare toilet paper roll. “Remus.”
Remus reddened a bit and pointed at the roll. “It’s not entirely empty. There are still a few sheets on it.”
Sirius shook the roll in the air. “One sheet. And it’s the last sheet, the one that sticks to the roll and ends up tearing into a million pieces. You’re supposed to change the roll way before it gets to this.” Remus huffed, opened the small cabinet under the sink, took out a new roll, and threw it at Sirius. He then used his wand to clean up the floor.
“Hurry up and shower; we’re leaving in thirty minutes,” Remus stated as he put his hands on his hips and looked at Sirius the way McGonagall looked at him a few too many times at Hogwarts. Sirius removed his shirt and dropped it on the floor next to the woven laundry basket, the very first housewarming gift-from Remus’s mother-that the boys received when they moved in together a month before. Remus loudly cleared his throat, prompting Sirius to pick up the shirt and dump it inside the hamper. Remus slowly nodded his head. Sirius stripped completely and stepped into the shower.
“You comin’ in? Remember, you’re the one dragging me outta bed at eight on a beautiful Saturday morning after an exhausting week at the Ministry, despite promising we’d stay in all day and do that thing we talked about,” Sirius chastised. “You owe me.”
“I’ll do ‘the thing’ when we get back, all right?”
Sirius shook his now-wet hair. “Get in here. I need something to wake me up.”
“And you’ll shut up and go?” asked Remus with his hands on his collar.
A grinning Sirius nodded. Remus stripped, folding his clothes neatly on top of the toilet seat, and joined Sirius. “Budge up.”
“Wash my hair, Moony.” Sirius picked up a shampoo bottle and frowned. He picked up a second bottle and groaned. Sirius held both empty bottles up as he looked at Remus. “Remus!”
Remus pushed Sirius to the shower wall and kissed him.
Domestic Partners, Domestic Lives:
A Bloke’s Guide to Living Happily Ever After with his Significant Other
(a.k.a. How to Stay Out of the Doghouse and Stay in the House)
The title of the seminar was printed in bold words on a five-foot tall banner on the wall of an old recreation center that several witches and wizards had rented for this occasion. Under these words was a colorful drawing of a man partially inside a small, red doghouse staring longingly at a larger house beyond his reach. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and laughed, inciting several nervous giggles from the long line of men behind them. “That’s you,” whispered Sirius as he jabbed Remus’s waist. “You’re the dog,” a smirking Remus whispered back.
Remus and Sirius received their registration packets and sat in the lobby with other men, all of them reading over the forms that detailed the basics of the seminar. Sporadic snickering and laughing erupted around them. Sirius edged closer to Remus.
“What kind of conference is this? I mean, what’s so funny about learning how to cook or clean the bathroom?”
Remus showed Sirius a form and grinned. “It’s the way the material is presented, Sirius. Mum said these workshops are so popular because the organizers are really frank with the participants. Women sign up their husbands and boyfriends months in advance because they know their blokes will actually pay attention at these things. Here, take a look.”
Sirius read the title and description of the first class on the page:
Session 1 - Conquer the Throne
Learn to effectively urinate by lifting/lowering the toilet seat and avoiding the floor, walls, and adjacent bathtub. Live Practice. 1 hour.
“That’s for you, Padfoot.”
“I know how to pee!”
Several heads turned in their direction. Sirius blushed, and Remus smiled. Yes, Remus thought, Sirius knew how to pee; unfortunately, the Black heir was easily distracted when attending to important bodily functions. Remus had painted their bathroom’s white walls with multi-colored vertical stripes, a surprising action that stopped Sirius from ever using the “boring” adjective to describe his boyfriend. As vibrant as the walls were, however, Sirius often emerged from the loo complaining of dizziness. His dizziness quickly became a warning for Remus to always wear shoes in the loo, make sure the seat is down, and wipe the rim of the bowl, three things Remus learned the hard way. Also, Sirius had a quirk of urinating right before sex. He, surmised Remus, rushed through the expulsion process in his eagerness to get back to Remus and the sex.
“Don’t be embarrassed; I’ll go with you,” Remus said warmly.
“Nah, you can go to this one.” Sirius smirked and pointed to the paper.
Session 2 - Refills and Refuse
Emphasizes that the toilet paper roll does not change itself. Also explains why empty bottles in the refrigerator do not substitute for full bottles and why half-empty bottles will always be half-empty unless they become empty. Optimists need not sign up. Pictures. 1 hour.
It’s not that Remus didn’t throw trash away. He just made sure that it was trash before getting rid of it. Remus Lupin believed in squeezing the very last glob of toothpaste, often rolling the tube up to the cap for one final squirt. He also didn’t throw shampoo bottles away until he’d removed the top and mixed the remaining liquid with a bit of water for a few more washes. He did a similar thing with drinks, refilling half-empty bottles of juice or milk with water to increase their contents. Remus was especially proud of conserving their lubrication supply. Instead of using three bottles per month (as they did the first year they had sex), Remus had managed to cut down that demand to one bottle for every three months. And even though Sirius threw a fit every time Remus snatched the bottle away from him (“that’s enough, Sirius, that’s enough.”), Remus knew lubrication was expensive, and so far no wizard had invented a spell to magically conjure it.
“Let’s get serious. Look, it says here we have to select three sessions in the morning and four in the afternoon. You can go to Session 1 right now at nine and I’ll go to Session 2. How’s that?” asked Remus.
Sirius looked at him with trepidation. “No way am I going by myself to any of these things. We ought to stick together, Moony.”
Remus smiled at his boyfriend. “All right. Let’s go through the list and pick the ones that seem most helpful.” He and Sirius read the form.
Session 3 - Dish Duty
Learn to use Wingardium Leviosa to literally get dirty dishes into the kitchen sink and Scourgify to actually wash them. Group Practice. 1 hour.
Remus and Sirius loathed washing the dishes after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even with the spells, they still had to supervise the process so that the dishes were properly cleaned and ended up in a cabinet instead of in pieces on the kitchen floor. “This is the only time I regret being gay since there’s no woman around to do the dishes,” Remus would remark right before he sent a plate flying by Sirius’s head and crashing into the wall.
Remus drew a checkmark next to this class.
Session 4 - Clean Clothes, Clean Floor
Explains the function of a laundry hamper and why the floor is not the same thing. Pictures and graphics. 1 hour.
Remus selected this one and nodded his head at Sirius. Remus had known how messy Sirius was ever since living with him at Hogwarts. Even back then, Sirius would use their entire dorm room floor as his personal laundry hamper, scattering clothes everywhere. It eventually became quite common to hear Peter’s frightened screams whenever Sirius searched under Wormtail’s bed-in the dark-for a lost shoe or sock. Although James would voice his displeasure (“Bloody dirty dog!”), Remus didn’t say much, especially not after being shocked by the sight of Sirius’s clean, orderly, and mostly bare bedroom at Grimmauld Place the two times that Remus visited him there. In their new flat, though, a change was in order.
Session 5 - Fight the Obliviate Spell
Never again forget important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. Avoid unnecessary fights and 24-hour silent treatments. Remembralls will be provided. 1 hour.
Sirius remembered little things about his and Remus’s relationship: what he ate the day he confessed his feelings to Remus, what they both wore when they first kissed, what the weather was like the day they affirmed their love for each other, what Remus said when Sirius made him come for the first time, the name of the book that Remus threw at him during their first fight. What Sirius couldn’t remember were the specific dates for such significant moments in his life. In fact, for Remus’s nineteenth birthday, Sirius bought him an expensive vintage telescope (Remus loved astronomy and spent many a night looking up at the sky with his dad’s rusty binoculars, often with Sirius by his side, goading him to locate his star) and made the grand mistake of presenting it to him on March 9th, a full day before his actual birthday. After Remus curtly told Sirius where to put the telescope, Sirius got down on his knees-pride be damned-and begged forgiveness, blaming his new job on the error. Sirius wished to never repeat this again.
Session 6 - Flowers, Presents, and Owls, Oh My!
Find out how buying your significant other gifts and flowers is neither harmful to your health nor your wallet. Utilize owls to send sappy love notes to your partner at work, which almost always ensures great sex that evening. Graphs and charts. 1 hour.
Remus Lupin was a pragmatic man who didn’t show emotions easily. Sirius, on the other hand, frequently sent owls to Remus at St. Mungo’s where he worked as a Healer’s assistant. Remus’s heart stirred every time he read one of those notes, whether it told him how handsome he’d looked that morning or how Sirius loved him a tad more than James loved Lily (Sirius sure did like competing with James).
Once, Remus saved up to surprise Sirius with a gift at work. He wanted to let Sirius know how proud he was of Sirius and his new job at the Ministry of Magic. A chuffed Sirius had described his private office (“it’s bigger than Prongs’s”) and his position of authority (“I’m always alone; guess they trust me that much”) when he started working in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. So Remus hired a singing quartet-courtesy of Peter’s struggling musician cousin-to serenade Sirius and hopefully let him know just how much Remus could love him. Unfortunately for Remus, Sirius embellished the truth a bit and didn’t have his own office or his own cubicle. Sirius also didn’t run the office on his own; there was constant supervision during those first months. But it was too late to stop the singing group when they arrived at the busy office one Friday morning and expressed the love for Sirius in a song that Remus could not say in words. Sirius should’ve been angry at being outed and could’ve even obliterated his colleagues’ memories to forget what they’d seen. But he was beyond moved to do anything other than whisper a “thank you” when the song ended. With Remus, however, he pretended to be irate and inconsolable, making Moony apologize profusely before throwing him on the bed and loving Remus as much as Remus loved him.
Session 7 - Nighttime Headaches
How to deal with the frequent occurrence of this common and contagious women’s condition. Open discussion. 1 hour.
Sirius and Remus smiled at each other and shook their heads. “Nah.”
Session 8 - Like Mother, Like Daughter
How to keep your wife from turning into her mother. Also, how to endure your mother-in-law’s company for more than 30 minutes and for the next 50 years. Role-playing. 1 hour.
Sirius checked it off and smirked at Remus.
“I am not my mother!” said Remus a little too loudly.
“Not yet,” Sirius retaliated. “But, c’mon, think about it. Why are we even here? You have to do everything your mum says. And you’ve been ordering me around a lot lately, acting more like a mother than my lover.”
“I thought you liked my mum,” Remus whispered.
“I do.”
And Sirius did. After James’s mother, Mrs. Lupin was the second best mother Sirius had ever known. She gave up her career and most of her life to care for her only child, the son who had, in one night, become so different and fragile. And years later, when the son again showed another big difference, she never once stopped loving him. She also accepted Sirius without hesitation (and if she did have any, she never once showed it). At times, Sirius envied her love for Remus and wished Mrs. Black had similar affection for her oldest son. Then he remembered that he did have that kind of love from his adopted mother and his honorary mother-in-law, and so he wished for nothing more.
Sirius erased the checkmark.
Session 9 - Boys Will Be Boys . . . No More
Find out why certain spells are amusing or useful only to you and should therefore never be used on your partner or in her presence. Visual examples provided. 1 hour.
Sirius was out of school two years, yet he still had trouble keeping his wand from performing spells that had been funny in school but were now considered immature. And, as he had no Slytherins to prank, he sometimes used Remus as his subject. Sirius thought it was all harmless fun as Remus himself performed certain spells that Sirius did not appreciate. During some of their recent arguments, which Sirius liked to end simply by walking away, Remus employed the Colloportus Charm to seal the doors and cast the Anti-Disapparition Jinx to prevent Sirius from leaving. Sirius retaliated by using Silencio on Remus, letting Remus bicker all he wanted as long as Sirius couldn’t hear him.
There was one spell that Sirius knew neither of them would try again. Although both boys had practiced Engorgio-the Enlargement Spell-many times at school, they had never used it on themselves. As they lay in bed kissing madly one night, a curious Sirius suggested that he try the spell on his penis to see how big it would get. Remus was just as anxious to see, so Sirius said the incantation. Sure enough, it grew a bit longer and thicker. “Oh shit, it works!” Sirius repeated the spell and saw it grow even bigger. After another few seconds, it swelled to a nasty purple color. Sirius began groaning in pain. “Moony, Moony, make it stop! Hurts!” Remus tried reducing it-as well other counterspells-but nothing happened, so he apparated them to St. Mungo’s. Remus knew the staff would help his boyfriend without asking any questions. Back home, Remus said it was ironic that Sirius, an expert in magical mishaps, wasn’t able to save himself. Sirius told Remus to shut up and wipe the cheeky grin off his face.
Session 10 - Shut the Fuck Up!
How to keep your mouth shut at all times without the use of magic. Lecture. Class materials (a big, thick piece of tape) will be provided. 3 hours.
Sirius and Remus looked up at each other.
“Whew, you’re really gonna owe me for this, Moony.”
“I already said I’ll do that thing you want when we get home,” Remus said.
“I got a better idea. Why don’t we skive off and go do that right now?” suggested Sirius as he lifted his eyebrows.
“We promised my mum. Come on, even if we don’t learn anything, we can at least some fun with it. It’s all quite amusing,” Remus said as he stood up.
“Okay, but I’m not taping my mouth shut,” Sirius firmly stated as he too stood up.
“Not ‘til tonight,” Remus whispered in Sirius’s ear. Sirius quietly groaned before he and Remus followed other men down a narrow hallway.
“We’re doing all right, aren’t we, Remus? You don’t actually think we need this stuff?” asked Sirius.
Remus smiled before honestly replying. “No, we don’t. We’ll be all right, Sirius.”
“Can’t believe so many poor blokes do need help, though. I’m glad-oh Merlin!”
Sirius grabbed Remus’s shoulder as he pointed at a person at the front of the line.
“PRONGS!” James Potter slowly turned around and moaned. Sirius, dragging Remus with him, ran up to his best mate and hugged him. “James, what a surprise to see you here!” Sirius slung his arms around James and Remus’s shoulders and eagerly led them down the hall. “Man, oh, man, is this gonna be fun!”
Title:A Bloke's Guide to Living Happily Ever After
Pairing:Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Rating:PG-13
Word Count:3311
Disclaimer:JK Rowling's characters, not mine.
“Remus! Remus! Moony!”
Remus Lupin shaved his face in front of the mirror in the bathroom, trying not to yell back as his boyfriend’s yells became louder and exasperated.
“Moooony!” continued the shouting from the other room.
Remus, rinsing his face, flinched when a sleepy but annoyed Sirius Black appeared in the doorway. “Remus, what the hell? Didn’t you hear me? I’ve been calling you forever.”
“You were shouting,” Remus quietly responded.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t shouting; I was talking loudly. How else were you gonna hear me from the bedroom?”
“Well, I heard shouting, and you already know I’m not going to respond when that happens,” said Remus as he dried his face with a washcloth.
“Okay, sorry. Come on, come back to bed,” Sirius said casually as he grabbed one of Remus’s arms. Remus pulled back his arm and looked closely at Sirius.
“It’s Saturday, Sirius.”
“I know; you said you’d do that thing I read about in the magazine. Come on,” Sirius said eagerly.
Remus shook his head as he spoke to Sirius’s reflection in the mirror. “No, not that. We have the seminar today.”
“What seminar? What?”
Remus sighed loudly. “I told you last night after work. And you’ve known about it for two weeks-the domestic life workshops my mom signed us up for.”
Sirius rubbed his face. “You mean we’re actually going? Thought we both agreed it was rubbish.”
“Well, my mother doesn’t think so. And she already paid the non-refundable fees. She only wants to be sure that we’re capable of living on our own.”
“We’re twenty, Remus.”
“We’re men, Sirius.”
“So we’re really going? It’s my day off, Remus,” whined Sirius.
Remus carefully combed his hair and looked closely at his boyfriend. “You don’t work tomorrow, either, you prat.”
“Yeah, but you work and then you won’t be here for the thing,” said Sirius, scratching his stomach through the thin, white shirt he wore. “And don’t say you’ll do it after work ‘cause you’re always dead tired when you get back from the hospital.”
“I’ll make it up to you,” said Remus with a smile.
Sirius ruffled Remus’s hair as he walked by him to get to the toilet bowl. Remus combed his hair again as he glanced at Sirius. “Lift the seat up.”
Sirius, relieving himself in front of the bowl, turned his head sideways to face Remus. “I think I know how to do this.”
“Watch the floor.”
“Damnit!” Sirius jumped around the bathroom in order to avoid the mess on the floor. Remus, observing everything through the mirror, laughed and turned around to look at Sirius.
“I’ve told you not to walk around in your bare feet, haven’t I?” admonished Remus, trying to sound firm despite the wide grin on his face.
“Oh, shut up, Mrs. Lupin,” Sirius said snidely.
Remus crossed his arms. “What was that?”
“Nothing, I-hey!” Sirius held up an almost-bare toilet paper roll. “Remus.”
Remus reddened a bit and pointed at the roll. “It’s not entirely empty. There are still a few sheets on it.”
Sirius shook the roll in the air. “One sheet. And it’s the last sheet, the one that sticks to the roll and ends up tearing into a million pieces. You’re supposed to change the roll way before it gets to this.” Remus huffed, opened the small cabinet under the sink, took out a new roll, and threw it at Sirius. He then used his wand to clean up the floor.
“Hurry up and shower; we’re leaving in thirty minutes,” Remus stated as he put his hands on his hips and looked at Sirius the way McGonagall looked at him a few too many times at Hogwarts. Sirius removed his shirt and dropped it on the floor next to the woven laundry basket, the very first housewarming gift-from Remus’s mother-that the boys received when they moved in together a month before. Remus loudly cleared his throat, prompting Sirius to pick up the shirt and dump it inside the hamper. Remus slowly nodded his head. Sirius stripped completely and stepped into the shower.
“You comin’ in? Remember, you’re the one dragging me outta bed at eight on a beautiful Saturday morning after an exhausting week at the Ministry, despite promising we’d stay in all day and do that thing we talked about,” Sirius chastised. “You owe me.”
“I’ll do ‘the thing’ when we get back, all right?”
Sirius shook his now-wet hair. “Get in here. I need something to wake me up.”
“And you’ll shut up and go?” asked Remus with his hands on his collar.
A grinning Sirius nodded. Remus stripped, folding his clothes neatly on top of the toilet seat, and joined Sirius. “Budge up.”
“Wash my hair, Moony.” Sirius picked up a shampoo bottle and frowned. He picked up a second bottle and groaned. Sirius held both empty bottles up as he looked at Remus. “Remus!”
Remus pushed Sirius to the shower wall and kissed him.
Domestic Partners, Domestic Lives:
A Bloke’s Guide to Living Happily Ever After with his Significant Other
(a.k.a. How to Stay Out of the Doghouse and Stay in the House)
The title of the seminar was printed in bold words on a five-foot tall banner on the wall of an old recreation center that several witches and wizards had rented for this occasion. Under these words was a colorful drawing of a man partially inside a small, red doghouse staring longingly at a larger house beyond his reach. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and laughed, inciting several nervous giggles from the long line of men behind them. “That’s you,” whispered Sirius as he jabbed Remus’s waist. “You’re the dog,” a smirking Remus whispered back.
Remus and Sirius received their registration packets and sat in the lobby with other men, all of them reading over the forms that detailed the basics of the seminar. Sporadic snickering and laughing erupted around them. Sirius edged closer to Remus.
“What kind of conference is this? I mean, what’s so funny about learning how to cook or clean the bathroom?”
Remus showed Sirius a form and grinned. “It’s the way the material is presented, Sirius. Mum said these workshops are so popular because the organizers are really frank with the participants. Women sign up their husbands and boyfriends months in advance because they know their blokes will actually pay attention at these things. Here, take a look.”
Sirius read the title and description of the first class on the page:
Session 1 - Conquer the Throne
Learn to effectively urinate by lifting/lowering the toilet seat and avoiding the floor, walls, and adjacent bathtub. Live Practice. 1 hour.
“That’s for you, Padfoot.”
“I know how to pee!”
Several heads turned in their direction. Sirius blushed, and Remus smiled. Yes, Remus thought, Sirius knew how to pee; unfortunately, the Black heir was easily distracted when attending to important bodily functions. Remus had painted their bathroom’s white walls with multi-colored vertical stripes, a surprising action that stopped Sirius from ever using the “boring” adjective to describe his boyfriend. As vibrant as the walls were, however, Sirius often emerged from the loo complaining of dizziness. His dizziness quickly became a warning for Remus to always wear shoes in the loo, make sure the seat is down, and wipe the rim of the bowl, three things Remus learned the hard way. Also, Sirius had a quirk of urinating right before sex. He, surmised Remus, rushed through the expulsion process in his eagerness to get back to Remus and the sex.
“Don’t be embarrassed; I’ll go with you,” Remus said warmly.
“Nah, you can go to this one.” Sirius smirked and pointed to the paper.
Session 2 - Refills and Refuse
Emphasizes that the toilet paper roll does not change itself. Also explains why empty bottles in the refrigerator do not substitute for full bottles and why half-empty bottles will always be half-empty unless they become empty. Optimists need not sign up. Pictures. 1 hour.
It’s not that Remus didn’t throw trash away. He just made sure that it was trash before getting rid of it. Remus Lupin believed in squeezing the very last glob of toothpaste, often rolling the tube up to the cap for one final squirt. He also didn’t throw shampoo bottles away until he’d removed the top and mixed the remaining liquid with a bit of water for a few more washes. He did a similar thing with drinks, refilling half-empty bottles of juice or milk with water to increase their contents. Remus was especially proud of conserving their lubrication supply. Instead of using three bottles per month (as they did the first year they had sex), Remus had managed to cut down that demand to one bottle for every three months. And even though Sirius threw a fit every time Remus snatched the bottle away from him (“that’s enough, Sirius, that’s enough.”), Remus knew lubrication was expensive, and so far no wizard had invented a spell to magically conjure it.
“Let’s get serious. Look, it says here we have to select three sessions in the morning and four in the afternoon. You can go to Session 1 right now at nine and I’ll go to Session 2. How’s that?” asked Remus.
Sirius looked at him with trepidation. “No way am I going by myself to any of these things. We ought to stick together, Moony.”
Remus smiled at his boyfriend. “All right. Let’s go through the list and pick the ones that seem most helpful.” He and Sirius read the form.
Session 3 - Dish Duty
Learn to use Wingardium Leviosa to literally get dirty dishes into the kitchen sink and Scourgify to actually wash them. Group Practice. 1 hour.
Remus and Sirius loathed washing the dishes after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even with the spells, they still had to supervise the process so that the dishes were properly cleaned and ended up in a cabinet instead of in pieces on the kitchen floor. “This is the only time I regret being gay since there’s no woman around to do the dishes,” Remus would remark right before he sent a plate flying by Sirius’s head and crashing into the wall.
Remus drew a checkmark next to this class.
Session 4 - Clean Clothes, Clean Floor
Explains the function of a laundry hamper and why the floor is not the same thing. Pictures and graphics. 1 hour.
Remus selected this one and nodded his head at Sirius. Remus had known how messy Sirius was ever since living with him at Hogwarts. Even back then, Sirius would use their entire dorm room floor as his personal laundry hamper, scattering clothes everywhere. It eventually became quite common to hear Peter’s frightened screams whenever Sirius searched under Wormtail’s bed-in the dark-for a lost shoe or sock. Although James would voice his displeasure (“Bloody dirty dog!”), Remus didn’t say much, especially not after being shocked by the sight of Sirius’s clean, orderly, and mostly bare bedroom at Grimmauld Place the two times that Remus visited him there. In their new flat, though, a change was in order.
Session 5 - Fight the Obliviate Spell
Never again forget important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. Avoid unnecessary fights and 24-hour silent treatments. Remembralls will be provided. 1 hour.
Sirius remembered little things about his and Remus’s relationship: what he ate the day he confessed his feelings to Remus, what they both wore when they first kissed, what the weather was like the day they affirmed their love for each other, what Remus said when Sirius made him come for the first time, the name of the book that Remus threw at him during their first fight. What Sirius couldn’t remember were the specific dates for such significant moments in his life. In fact, for Remus’s nineteenth birthday, Sirius bought him an expensive vintage telescope (Remus loved astronomy and spent many a night looking up at the sky with his dad’s rusty binoculars, often with Sirius by his side, goading him to locate his star) and made the grand mistake of presenting it to him on March 9th, a full day before his actual birthday. After Remus curtly told Sirius where to put the telescope, Sirius got down on his knees-pride be damned-and begged forgiveness, blaming his new job on the error. Sirius wished to never repeat this again.
Session 6 - Flowers, Presents, and Owls, Oh My!
Find out how buying your significant other gifts and flowers is neither harmful to your health nor your wallet. Utilize owls to send sappy love notes to your partner at work, which almost always ensures great sex that evening. Graphs and charts. 1 hour.
Remus Lupin was a pragmatic man who didn’t show emotions easily. Sirius, on the other hand, frequently sent owls to Remus at St. Mungo’s where he worked as a Healer’s assistant. Remus’s heart stirred every time he read one of those notes, whether it told him how handsome he’d looked that morning or how Sirius loved him a tad more than James loved Lily (Sirius sure did like competing with James).
Once, Remus saved up to surprise Sirius with a gift at work. He wanted to let Sirius know how proud he was of Sirius and his new job at the Ministry of Magic. A chuffed Sirius had described his private office (“it’s bigger than Prongs’s”) and his position of authority (“I’m always alone; guess they trust me that much”) when he started working in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. So Remus hired a singing quartet-courtesy of Peter’s struggling musician cousin-to serenade Sirius and hopefully let him know just how much Remus could love him. Unfortunately for Remus, Sirius embellished the truth a bit and didn’t have his own office or his own cubicle. Sirius also didn’t run the office on his own; there was constant supervision during those first months. But it was too late to stop the singing group when they arrived at the busy office one Friday morning and expressed the love for Sirius in a song that Remus could not say in words. Sirius should’ve been angry at being outed and could’ve even obliterated his colleagues’ memories to forget what they’d seen. But he was beyond moved to do anything other than whisper a “thank you” when the song ended. With Remus, however, he pretended to be irate and inconsolable, making Moony apologize profusely before throwing him on the bed and loving Remus as much as Remus loved him.
Session 7 - Nighttime Headaches
How to deal with the frequent occurrence of this common and contagious women’s condition. Open discussion. 1 hour.
Sirius and Remus smiled at each other and shook their heads. “Nah.”
Session 8 - Like Mother, Like Daughter
How to keep your wife from turning into her mother. Also, how to endure your mother-in-law’s company for more than 30 minutes and for the next 50 years. Role-playing. 1 hour.
Sirius checked it off and smirked at Remus.
“I am not my mother!” said Remus a little too loudly.
“Not yet,” Sirius retaliated. “But, c’mon, think about it. Why are we even here? You have to do everything your mum says. And you’ve been ordering me around a lot lately, acting more like a mother than my lover.”
“I thought you liked my mum,” Remus whispered.
“I do.”
And Sirius did. After James’s mother, Mrs. Lupin was the second best mother Sirius had ever known. She gave up her career and most of her life to care for her only child, the son who had, in one night, become so different and fragile. And years later, when the son again showed another big difference, she never once stopped loving him. She also accepted Sirius without hesitation (and if she did have any, she never once showed it). At times, Sirius envied her love for Remus and wished Mrs. Black had similar affection for her oldest son. Then he remembered that he did have that kind of love from his adopted mother and his honorary mother-in-law, and so he wished for nothing more.
Sirius erased the checkmark.
Session 9 - Boys Will Be Boys . . . No More
Find out why certain spells are amusing or useful only to you and should therefore never be used on your partner or in her presence. Visual examples provided. 1 hour.
Sirius was out of school two years, yet he still had trouble keeping his wand from performing spells that had been funny in school but were now considered immature. And, as he had no Slytherins to prank, he sometimes used Remus as his subject. Sirius thought it was all harmless fun as Remus himself performed certain spells that Sirius did not appreciate. During some of their recent arguments, which Sirius liked to end simply by walking away, Remus employed the Colloportus Charm to seal the doors and cast the Anti-Disapparition Jinx to prevent Sirius from leaving. Sirius retaliated by using Silencio on Remus, letting Remus bicker all he wanted as long as Sirius couldn’t hear him.
There was one spell that Sirius knew neither of them would try again. Although both boys had practiced Engorgio-the Enlargement Spell-many times at school, they had never used it on themselves. As they lay in bed kissing madly one night, a curious Sirius suggested that he try the spell on his penis to see how big it would get. Remus was just as anxious to see, so Sirius said the incantation. Sure enough, it grew a bit longer and thicker. “Oh shit, it works!” Sirius repeated the spell and saw it grow even bigger. After another few seconds, it swelled to a nasty purple color. Sirius began groaning in pain. “Moony, Moony, make it stop! Hurts!” Remus tried reducing it-as well other counterspells-but nothing happened, so he apparated them to St. Mungo’s. Remus knew the staff would help his boyfriend without asking any questions. Back home, Remus said it was ironic that Sirius, an expert in magical mishaps, wasn’t able to save himself. Sirius told Remus to shut up and wipe the cheeky grin off his face.
Session 10 - Shut the Fuck Up!
How to keep your mouth shut at all times without the use of magic. Lecture. Class materials (a big, thick piece of tape) will be provided. 3 hours.
Sirius and Remus looked up at each other.
“Whew, you’re really gonna owe me for this, Moony.”
“I already said I’ll do that thing you want when we get home,” Remus said.
“I got a better idea. Why don’t we skive off and go do that right now?” suggested Sirius as he lifted his eyebrows.
“We promised my mum. Come on, even if we don’t learn anything, we can at least some fun with it. It’s all quite amusing,” Remus said as he stood up.
“Okay, but I’m not taping my mouth shut,” Sirius firmly stated as he too stood up.
“Not ‘til tonight,” Remus whispered in Sirius’s ear. Sirius quietly groaned before he and Remus followed other men down a narrow hallway.
“We’re doing all right, aren’t we, Remus? You don’t actually think we need this stuff?” asked Sirius.
Remus smiled before honestly replying. “No, we don’t. We’ll be all right, Sirius.”
“Can’t believe so many poor blokes do need help, though. I’m glad-oh Merlin!”
Sirius grabbed Remus’s shoulder as he pointed at a person at the front of the line.
“PRONGS!” James Potter slowly turned around and moaned. Sirius, dragging Remus with him, ran up to his best mate and hugged him. “James, what a surprise to see you here!” Sirius slung his arms around James and Remus’s shoulders and eagerly led them down the hall. “Man, oh, man, is this gonna be fun!”