It Never Gets Easier [5/?]
Title: It Never Gets Easier [5/?]
Author: likeanaccidentx
Pairing: Adam Lazzara/John Nolan. This chapter features Jesse Lacey.
Rating: PG13.
Summary: If anyone were to ask you to, you could pinpoint the very moment that Jesse Lacey decided to make it his mission to watch you fall apart.
Word count: 2,359.
Disclaimer: Not real. Don’t know, don’t own.
Notes: Several notes for this one.
[1] This is a flashback of Adam's, therefore it is set in the same narrative, but different tense. Sorry if that gets confusing? It shouldn't do.
[2] The flashback will last for this chapter, and the chapter after it. It is looking as though there'll be 11 parts total, but I'm not sure enough to confirm that yet.
[3] This is supposed to take place backstage at the concert at The Tulagi in Boulder, Colorado - y'know, the one that's all over youtube? You've probably seen the videos, if you're an old TBS fan. If not, you should watch them. Anyway, I tried to research the show a little - if I'm wrong about anything? Let me know.
[4] Adam's character is slightly different here, as he is younger and hasn't been hurt by John yet.
[5] As usual, concrit and comments are welcome and appreciated.
Dedication: Anyone that's been reading and commenting. <3. Thank you. And more specifically, my best friend sunrisehighway7 because she is amazing and helped me out so much with Jesse in this chapter and the following chapter. Thank you so much. ♥
If anyone were to ask you to, you could pinpoint the very moment that Jesse Lacey decided to make it his mission to watch you fall apart.
It had surprised both you and John just how long it took Jesse to find out about you. Part of you thinks that he knew more than John gave him credit for, but didn’t say anything because he had no confirmation. But maybe John was right; maybe he really didn’t have a clue until that one night. You weren’t sure, but either way, you can vividly remember the night that he decided to do something about it; you relived it every night in your sleep.
It had been a Friday evening on the Taking Back Sunday/Brand New tour with Rufio and Last Chance Diaries when it had all kicked off. You and John were in the dressing room of The Tulagi in Boulder, Colorado, flipping through DVDs to watch on Eddie’s portable DVD player. You’d arrived in town earlier that day, and after the sound check, you and John had spent the day apart from everyone, including Jesse, seeing the town. However, you’d also arrived back at the venue to find everyone gone, so you decided to watch a movie together. You’d opted for Fight Club, but John complained that while he loved the movie, he really did, watching it almost every day was making it lose its touch.
“But… It’s Fight Club! It never loses its touch!” You’d whined, as he slipped Reservoir Dogs into the DVD player. He’d turned to face you, chuckled to himself as he saw you pouting. He moved towards you and kissed your cheek, taking your hand gently and leading you to the couch. Always subtle touches, very subtle, in case anyone was to see, but those subtle touches made your heart melt.
Before you realized they were all down to paranoia, anyway.
Still, it frightened you how much he meant to you.
“You’re such a kid, Adam,” He said with that lazy smile as he laid back on the couch, holding his arms out to you. You looked at him in surprise - everything had always had to be kept so secret with him - and glanced around the room. He shook his head. “Don’t worry about anyone else, ‘dam. Come on.”
And without another word you had crawled into his arms, and the two of you had watched the movie, tangled up in each other, and for you it was complete heaven, laying there in his arms with your head against his chest. You had so much trust in John that he’d never hurt you, and you were so in love with every little detail about him. You were so certain that that was it.
You had just been drifting off to sleep when the door swung open, and you felt John jump slightly. Jesse had stalked into the room, followed by Vinnie and Shaun. John didn’t move a muscle, just continued to watch the movie, and you closed your eyes tightly, hoping the boys wouldn’t say anything. No one had been told directly, but you had the feeling they had an idea what was going on, and you were fine with that, and so was John, as long as Jesse remained in the dark.
Perhaps something you should have mentioned before is that Jesse and John used to date when they were teenagers - until Jesse decided John wasn’t good enough for him. John took years to get over it, but he still felt bound to Jesse… Which was the real reason Jesse could never know. Of course, at the time, John had worded it differently to you, feeding you some excuse or another.
This situation couldn’t be avoided, however, so you knew John would rather play it off casually as though you had fallen asleep on him rather than the two of you jumping apart, raising Jesse’s suspicions. John had often played on the fact that you were younger - only by four years - to excuse the way you clung to him; as though you were extremely insecure. Looking back, perhaps you really were. Anyway, when Jesse saw the two of you on the couch, he halted, stared. John was the first to speak, a finger to his lips.
“Keep it down, guys.” He whispered, looking over to Shaun and Vinnie. “Adam’s sleeping.”
Through squinted eyes, you saw Shaun give John the thumbs up as a reply. Vinnie, however, had ignored the two of you on the couch and headed straight across the room to where some potato chips had been laid out by the venue.
“Fuck, man,” Vinnie whined, quietly. “I’m starving.”
“We just ate,” Shaun laughed crossing over to grab bottled water that lay on the same table. “How the hell can you be starving?”
“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Cooper, or anyone else for that matter.” Vinnie grinned through a mouthful of potato chips, barely coherent, pointing the one in his hand in Shaun’s direction. “I just am, alright?”
The two began to laugh, and John shook his head, chuckling softly to himself, sending soft vibrations travelling from his throat to where your head lay on his chest. Thinking it the right moment, you had opened your eyes, and instantly found Jesse, who was leaning against the wall near the doorway, staring at you. Your eyes met his for a brief moment, and you’d never seen them so cold. He smirked at you, and you gulped before sitting up and stretching. John smiled over at you, warmly.
“That was all of like, ten minutes,” He teased, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Am I not comfortable enough for you, Burbank?”
You grinned at him, pushing your bangs out of your eyes and looking at him in adoration. Jesse cleared his throat loudly, causing all in the room to look at him. All but John, who was still smiling at you. Jesse frowned.
“John,” Jesse addressed him in that sickly tone of voice he often used when he was talking to him. John looked up at him at last. “A word? Alone.”
John avoided looking your direction, but you could see the fear in his eyes as he mumbled a polite “Sure, Jess.” before getting to his feet and following Jesse out of the room.
And before Jesse shut the door behind John, he shot a smirk at you through the door, and that was all the proof you needed.
Whether it had just hit him, or whether he had known it all along, he knew.
* * *
Later that evening, shortly after Rufio’s set, you retired to the dressing room to start preparing for your set. You were surprised to find the dressing room empty, especially considering the fact that Brand New were up next and you expected them to be hogging the dressing room, getting ready - especially Jesse and Vinnie - but you figured that they were either helping to set up, or drinking at the bar.
In hindsight, you almost miss those days when you were such a small band, the days of touring in a van and not having to worry about being recognized when walking into the local Starbucks, or finding ‘Mrs. Adam Lazzara’ key rings - or worse underwear [you are completely perplexed by this] - on eBay. That shit sort of freaks you out.
Not that you’ve ever eBayed yourself or anything.
Anyway, just as you had begun to close the door behind you, thanking God that you were alone, a foot crossed the threshold, preventing you from closing it. You stepped back from the door awkwardly as it swung open, and upon realizing who it was, you rolled your eyes and made your way over to the snack table to grab a bottle of water. Anything that kept you busy and allowed you to avoid conversation.
It wasn’t that easy, when he had come looking for you in the first place.
“So,” He began, conversationally, as he stood in front of the mirror checking out his reflection, before turning to you. Arrogant prick. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think I should be able to see your ankles.”
You rose your eyebrows, looked at him confused, took a sip of water, and he smiled sweetly.
“Your jeans,” He continued. “They’re too short.”
You looked down at your tight and yes, short jeans, revealing your ankles and your moccasins, then looked back up at his smiling face before you shook your head with a sigh.
“Whatever,” You had said, but you felt slightly hurt - you’re very tall and it’s difficult to find jeans of the right length, and those jeans were the comfiest pair you had for touring. You always wore a different pair on stage, of course. In fact, thanks to his reminder, you put down the water bottle and began to search for the pile of clothes you brought in from the bus as you continued the conversation, glancing over your shoulder at him as you spoke. “Aren’t you due on?”
“Yeah, pretty soon.” Jesse said with a shrug. You could feel him staring at you as you searched the room for the clothes. John must have moved them.
“So what are you bothering me for?” You asked him, just as you moved a box of doughnuts Vinnie had bought from a bakery down the street to share with everyone after he decided that the snacks at the venue weren’t enough for his ‘starving stomach’. And sure enough, your clothes were piled under the box. You pulled them out from underneath the box and put the box back in place, before turning to Jesse, who was staring at you with that same smile plastered on his face. And not for the first time, you wished you could tear it off.
“Just bonding before our duet.” He’d responded. You looked at him, utterly perplexed and he laughed to himself before continuing. “John didn’t tell you? I’m joining you guys for ‘There’s No ‘I’ In Team’ tonight. Get the kids really revved up.” He paused, waiting for you to respond and feigned surprise when you didn’t. “Oh. Wow. Don’t tell me John didn’t say anything. I thought he’d have at least given you a heads up.”
“Don’t fuck around.” You spat, bitterly, and you’re not usually so aggressive but it was Jesse, and you lacked patience when it came to him. You pulled your Northstar sweater over your head, and removed the shirt beneath it. Jesse’s eyes ran down your chest for a moment, and he smirked before continuing.
“Don’t worry, Lazzara. I’m sure there’s enough stage to go around.” He said, gently. “And besides, come on. John obviously thinks it’s a good idea. He has no problem with it. And isn’t he the one who should, if anyone?”
He turned to the mirror that lined one of the walls and began fixing his hair - because heaven forbid his hair had been a strand out of place that night - and you could see your reflection behind him, eyes full of hate, chest rising and falling heavily with anger.
“What is your deal?” You demanded, still standing shirtless, holding your Rufio shirt in one hand. And you didn’t like the way the whole situation was making you feel, standing in that room exposed to him, even if only slightly, so you hurriedly tugged the t-shirt over your head, pulling on the bottom to ensure it covered you completely.
“My deal?” He’d asked, before turning to you, crossing the floor to stand inches away from you. “You’re the one childish enough to have a pouting session over one song. Look, John seemed pretty excited about it when I mentioned it. But okay, if you want to upset him, I mean… You can be the one to tell him that you can’t put up with my presence on stage for three fucking minutes, okay?”
And it would have seemed like you were being so dramatic with the way you reacted to one song with Jesse, it would have seemed really childish to anyone else. But you knew Jesse well enough to know that he was up to something here, and you didn’t care to find out what.
Still, Jesse had said that John was excited, and you didn’t want to let him down, so that one time, you had backed down.
“No. No, you’re right,” You muttered, stepping past him towards the mirror, he turned to face the mirror so you could see him. “If John wants us do to it, we’ll do it.”
Jesse’s reflection grinned.
“You continue to prove all my expectations true, Laz.” He whispered, moving closer behind you. You froze.
“…What?”
“What John wants, John gets, right?” Jesse laughed softly, and you turned to face him, gasped slightly when you realized how close he was standing and how close the two of you were.
“What are you t-t-”
Fucking nervous stutter.
“We’re all friends here, Laz. It’ll be fun.” He said, putting a hand on your shoulder before leaning in a bit to add: “Besides. You’ve got to share him sometimes, right?”
There was an awkward silence, and Jesse was looking you right in the eye. You gulped, and he laughed.
“I have to get ready.” You said. Get out.
“Sure thing,” Jesse said, sweetly, as he backed off and smiled at you in a friendly manner. “Play nice, now, Laz.”
“Same goes for you.” You muttered.
Jesse had headed for the door, and you could tell that smirk had been present on his face as he did so.
“See you out there, Burbank.”
You turned to face your reflection, saw the panic in your eyes. Your throat had dried up at the mere thought of sharing that stage with Jesse while John was present; you had no idea what he had planned, especially considering what he had found out earlier that evening.
All you could do was promise yourself that you would do your best to battle whatever Jesse threw your way.
“…Yeah.” You whispered to yourself, taking a deep breath and straightening up. “You bet you will.”