Kurt Hummel and the Illegal Potions Operation, Kurt/Blaine (HP!AU 1/7), PG-13
Title: Kurt Hummel and the Illegal Potions Operation
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 3,700+
Summary: "Kurt, Rachel, Santana," Professor Schuester says. "Please tell me I didn't just catch you selling illegal potions again."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 1 of 7 that we will be posting over the next week because we got a few Hogwarts!AU ideas stuck in our heads and they wouldn't leave us alone. These fics are just snippets from a larger universe and are meant as cracky fun, and therefore you won't find the Glee kids using Britishisms nor (unfortunately) will there be any surprise appearances from Professor Longbottom. We know we are far from the first people to write Kurt/Blaine at Hogwarts, but we hope you enjoy these fics anyway!
"Just remember not to use that under your eyes," Kurt says, handing his latest and greatest concoction off to a Ravenclaw fifth year.
"What happens if you use it under your eyes?" Rachel asks as Santana counts galleons delightedly.
"Have you ever seen someone after a puking pastille?" Kurt asks.
"Yes, it was disgusting," Rachel says, shivering.
"Well it's like that, only it's coming out of your eyes," Kurt says, only taking a little bit of satisfaction when Rachel turns a shade of green that very nearly matches her headband. He's busy jotting down today's profits when he hears a decidedly disapproving throat clear behind him.
"Kurt, Rachel, Santana," Professor Schuester says. "Please tell me I didn't just catch you selling illegal potions again."
Kurt opens his mouth to deny it - he's very good at spinning lies in the moment - when Professor Sylvester strolls, whistling, out of the nearest classroom and says, "Hey lady fantastic, do you have any more of that... hello, William," she finishes when she spots him.
"Sue," Professor Schuester says. "Are you aware that three of your students are running an illegal potions ring?"
"I'm aware of no such thing, and I'm offended that you'd even ask me," Professor Sylvester says.
"Well they are," Professor Schuester says with a sigh. "I think that at the least deserves detention, don't you?"
"On your word alone? Who do you think I am, some sniveling little ginger witch like your girlfriend? I don't answer to you."
"Well you do answer to Figgins, Sue, and I'm sure he'd love to hear that not only are your students making and selling illegal potions, but you're a customer. I'll just go let him know right now," Professor Schuester says. Kurt's just starting to panic when Professor Sylvester hooks her fingers in Professor Schuester's robes and drags him back.
"Fine then, bum chin. Detention, all three of you, six o'clock on Thursday in the greenhouses," Professor Sylvester says without bothering to look at them. Kurt's not going to complain - they'd be in far more trouble if Professor Schuester went to Headmaster Figgins, so he grabs Santana and Rachel by the hands and scurries them away.
"And ten million points from Gryffindor," they hear Coach Sylvester declare loudly, "for being a great big tattling house of tattlers."
"You know that's not how it works," Professor Schuester snaps. "We have had this discussion so many times, you cannot just randomly take points from my house because you feel like it."
"Well I don't see why not, since you take joy and happiness from my life every single time I have to look at your face." Kurt laughs quietly to himself as they round the corner and Professor Schuester and Sylvester's voices fade out.
-
"So now we all have detention on Thursday," Kurt says drowsily. He was trying to recount the entire unfair proceedings, but now that he's got his head in Blaine's lap on the hideously overstuffed yellow couch in the unoccupied corner of the Hufflepuff common room, and Blaine's been stroking his hair for the past ten minutes, Kurt is definitely about to fall asleep. He doesn't know how any of the Hufflepuffs get anything done. Their common room constantly smells like baking pastries and everything's so fluffy.
"What do you have to do?" Blaine asks, and it takes Kurt a second to remember what he was talking about.
"Something in the greenhouse," Kurt mumbles sleepily. "No idea what, though."
"You're so lucky," Brittany says, her head suddenly popping up over the edge of the couch. Kurt yelps and scrambles up, his heart pounding.
"How long have you been there?" Kurt asks.
"All day," Brittany says simply. "When I wear this dress I blend right into the back of the sofa and no one can see I'm there. It's awesome." Blaine just laughs, grinning indulgently at her, and Kurt rolls his eyes and settles back down on the couch beside Blaine.
"The greenhouses are awesome," Brittany continues, hopping around the side of the sofa and settling in on Blaine's other side. She starts to pet at his tie, and Kurt narrows his eyes. "I'm keeping a secret garden of Abyssinian shrivelfig in one of them so that I can shrink myself one day. The house elves said I'm too big to live with them right now."
"I'm sure they did," Kurt says, glaring a little harder as Brittany cuddles up to Blaine's shoulder and starts to toy with a random curl that's poking out over his ear. "Don't you have something else you could be doing right now?"
"I guess I could go see if Mike Chang will help me look for unicorns in the Forbidden Forest again," Brittany says, her eyes going wide as she jumps up from the sofa. "We totally almost caught one once when I convinced Rachel to go with us. She's a big virgin so the unicorns love her."
"You have fun with that," Kurt says, waving her off and straightening Blaine's misplaced curl.
"You're ridiculous," Blaine says quietly. "You don't have to be jealous of Brittany."
"I'm not," Kurt says, bristling. He is, but only because of that time Santana and Puck had spiked the Yule Ball punch with Firewhiskey and Blaine and Rachel had gotten drunk and made out. Granted, Kurt and Blaine weren't dating yet, but the fact that it happened remains and Kurt can't help feeling wary when girls hit on Blaine.
"You know you're the only one for me," Blaine says, his voice quiet as he noses at Kurt's ear.
"Oh?" Kurt asks, turning his head so he can kiss at Blaine's jaw. "Prove it."
Blaine's in his lap almost immediately, his warm hands sinking into Kurt's hair to tug and tilt Kurt's face up, his mouth hot and insistent over Kurt's, kissing him hard enough that it pushes Kurt into the back of the couch. Kurt gasps softly against Blaine's mouth, kissing back just as hard and letting his hands slide down to cup Blaine's hips under his sweater, holding on and trying not to buck his hips up when Blaine starts to shift down in Kurt's lap. He moves slowly, deliberately, grinding his hips with Kurt's in a way that sends heat sparking up Kurt's spine, making his fingers tighten where they're gripping Blaine's sides.
"How's this?" Blaine asks after a few minutes, pulling back to look at Kurt. His cheeks are flushed and there's an unmistakable grin playing at his lips, and it takes Kurt a second to remember what they were even talking about.
"Hmm," Kurt says, running his thumb over Blaine's swollen lips and really, really hoping that Brittany's actually left and isn't just camouflaging herself again. "It's a start."
-
"Well look what the cat dragged in," Kurt says without looking up from his copy of Enchantment in Baking. He can see Santana dragging someone into the common room out of the corner of his eye, and when Santana doesn't respond immediately Kurt finally gives a little sigh and looks up. He hopes she's not kidnapping fourth years again.
It turns out that it's not a fourth year that's trying to tug his wrist away from Santana's grasp. It's Blaine. Kurt's eyes widen.
"What are you--"
"Your house elf of a boyfriend here tried to have sex with me," Santana says, dragging Blaine over to the chair Kurt's curled up on. Kurt's mouth drops open.
"No, I was not-- no, Kurt, she's making that up," Blaine says quickly, finally pulling his wrist free from Santana's hand. "All I did was ask her for tips on how to be a bad boy."
Kurt's mouth snaps shut, but his eyes don't get any less wide. The book in his lap slides to the floor and Kurt doesn't even try to reach for it before it falls. "And why, pray tell, do you need Santana to tell you how-- how to be a bad boy?" Kurt hisses. The other Slytherins in the common room don't even bother to look up, used to outbursts like this. It's something that comes with having Rachel Berry in your house, Kurt assumes.
"Well isn't it obvious?" Blaine asks, glancing from Kurt over to Santana and then back to his boyfriend. "I want to serve detention with you."
"Okay look, gnome," Santana says, leaning back on the arm of the couch. "I don't know what you think detention is in that special little head of yours, but it's not an exclusive party that Professor Sylvester is throwing for us to congratulate us on breaking the rules. It's grunt work, and it sucks, and while my girl has a thing for greenhouses, I don't think I can handle your Hufflepuff stupidity on top of that."
"So you liked it better when you thought Blaine was propositioning you for sex?" Kurt asks through gritted teeth.
"Duh. I thought he was finally going to let me tap that ass. Or at least spank it." Santana gives Blaine a wink and Blaine starts to sputter indignantly.
"Okay, okay," Kurt finally says, holding up his hand. "Santana, leave Blaine alone, you're scaring him. Blaine, while the thought is very sweet, you are not going to try to get detention just so we can spend time in the greenhouses together. I'm pretty sure that classifies as an unhealthy relationship."
"But that's the problem," Blaine says as soon as Santana huffs angrily and then gets up to move across the room. "I already tried. And I can't. That's why I came to Santana."
"What exactly have you been trying?" Kurt asks, holding his arms out so Blaine can sit down on his lap. He refuses to be jealous that Blaine didn't come ask him how to be a bad boy. He tries, anyway.
"First I tried breaking into song during Charms, but Professor Pillsbury seemed to really enjoy it. I'm not entirely sure she knew the song was supposed to be raunchy, though," Blaine says.
"Wait, what did you sing?" Kurt asks.
"If You Give A Centaur A Hand," Blaine says, grinning at him.
"You did not. Oh, Blaine," Kurt sighs.
"You totally picked the wrong class to do that in," Santana pipes up. "I hear Professor Pillsbury once called an emergency staff meeting because the Ravenclaw boys spent so long in the baths and made strange noises."
"Anyway," Kurt says, pointedly ignoring Santana, "what else did you do?"
"I went into the Forbidden Forest, because Forbidden is right there in the name, so I figured there's no way I could fail."
"And?" Kurt asks.
"I failed," Blaine says bitterly. "I only got a little ways in when I heard this really pathetic crying and then I found a baby hippogriff, all abandoned and alone, so I brought it to the groundskeeper."
"Oh honey," Kurt says, kissing his forehead. "You're ridiculous. I promise you, I will survive one detention without you."
"But you shouldn't have to," Blaine says. "Technically I helped you come up with that lightening potion, so I should share in the blame."
"How exactly did you help me with that again?" Kurt asks. "I don't seem to remember that happening at all. I came up with this potion months ago."
"I kept telling you how cute your freckles were and you kept telling me that Slytherins weren't cute and you were going to find some way to get rid of them."
Kurt's face starts to heat up at the memory, and he turns his head away from Blaine's big eyes. "Shut up, I didn't know what I was saying. We weren't even dating yet and I panicked and you shouldn't have been going around calling people's freckles cute anyway, Hufflepuff, honestly."
Blaine grins widely and leans in to rub his nose over Kurt's cheek. "I'm glad you didn't get rid of all of them," he whispers into Kurt's ear. "I like them."
Santana starts making gagging noises.
"You're the most badass Hufflepuff I've ever met, you know," Kurt says fondly, hiding his blush in Blaine's shoulder.
"Really?" Blaine says happily. "That means so much."
"I can't take it, I am going to go into a diabetic coma," Santana snaps, flouncing her way up the stairs. "But hey, Blaine!" she calls down once she reaches the landing. "I hear a great way to get detention is to replace Professor Schuester's Sleekeazy's Hair Potion with binding glue."
"Do not listen to her," Kurt says, kissing Blaine softly. "Besides, Professor Sylvester does that like once a week, he knows to smell it first by now."
-
"So," Kurt asks the next day while Blaine is carrying an armload of little metal bowls across the courtyard. Kurt heard the clanking on his way back from Ancient Runes and his curiosity got the better of him. "How's being a badass going, Blaine?"
"Oh, I gave up on that," Blaine says with a shrug, sending one of the bowls flying. Kurt bends down to grab it, quickly following after Blaine as the pace of his steps increases. "Do you want to come see the three-headed puppies I found at the edge of the forest this morning? Finn and Brittany are out there with them right now. She's been naming each of the heads and it's kind of confusing."
Kurt blinks slowly. "You found three-headed puppies? How do you always find baby animals in the Forbidden Forest? The only time I went in there I saw a particularly large spider and I've never gone back."
"Just luck, I guess. Now come on," Blaine says with a bright smile, walking faster. "They're adorable."
-
Finn's spread out on the grass at the edge of the forest, Brittany sitting cross-legged beside him while surprisingly adorable three-headed puppies run all over them.
"Kurt!" Finn calls out when he catches sight of them. "Bro, you have got to see these little guys," he says excitedly, sitting up and scooping up one of the puppies with two brown heads and one white. It barks excitedly and licks Finn in the face with its white head. "This one's my favorite," Finn says. "I named him Drizzle."
"Finn doesn't understand how to name three-headed dogs," Brittany says as she pets absently at one of Drizzle's brown heads. "I suggested DrizzleFizzleSizzle."
"You're right, that's so much better than just Drizzle," Kurt says, rolling his eyes when Blaine elbows him. "What are you going to do with them?" Kurt asks as one of the puppies ambles over and starts to play tug of war with itself using Blaine's shoelace.
"Madam Beiste is totally going to let us keep one," Blaine says happily.
"She said that?" Kurt asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"Well, not in so many words." Blaine reaches down to pick up the puppy. "But when we convinced her to come see them she absolutely fell in love with FluffyPrinceMarshmallow," Blaine says, veering off into a ridiculous baby-talk voice as he says the dog's name.
"I'm guessing this is FluffyPrinceMarshmallow," Kurt says, staring at the ball of white fluff Blaine's holding in front of his face.
"Plus, I bet once she lets you guys have one she can convince Professor Schue to let Gryffindor keep one as a house pet," Finn says. "Puck's already started transfiguring his books into little dog beds."
"None of this is surprising," Kurt says, rolling his eyes and giving in when Blaine wiggles the puppy in front of his face. "They are kind of cute," Kurt says as the puppy barks and tries to chew on the sleeve of his robes with its left head.
"You should ask Professor Sylvester if Slytherin can have one," Brittany says. "There are five, that means one for each house and one for Brad!"
"You're on a first name basis with the groundskeeper?" Kurt asks her. "Really?"
"Brad's super nice," Brittany says. "He lets Lord Tubbington chase the mice in the pumpkin patch."
"I don't know if Professor Slyvester is really the puppy type," Kurt says gently. "Maybe Madam Beiste will let you have two."
"You hear that, FluffyPrinceMarshmallow?" Blaine coos, cuddling into Kurt's side and petting the puppy's head. "You might have a friend!"
"You are so ridiculous," Kurt says fondly, turning his head to peck Blaine on the lips.
"I thought I was a badass," Blaine says, resting his forehead against Kurt's.
"The most adorable badass there ever was," Kurt agrees, wincing when FluffyPrinceMarshmallow licks his cheek.
-
Thursday evening rolls around and Kurt's just pulled on his gloves and is reaching for his earmuffs with a look of disdain on his face - they're animal print and they clash horribly with the Slytherin colors he's wearing - when the door to the greenhouse swings open and Blaine strolls in, looking immensely pleased with himself.
"Well huh," Santana says, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh no, Blaine, what did you do to finally get detention?" Kurt asks. He assumed Blaine had dropped it since he didn't hear any more horror stories after the whole business with the puppies, and now he's somewhat terrified of what the answer will be.
"It was an accident, actually," Blaine says, blushing a little as he steps around Rachel to kiss Kurt's cheek. "Thad levitated my copy of Hogwarts: A History on top of the bookshelf and I climbed up there to get it and I got stuck--"
"As you do," Santana interrupts.
"--and I was up there for almost an hour before Madam Bieste found me."
"Why didn't you just Accio your stupid book?" Santana asks. Kurt rolls his eyes, already knowing the answer.
"I just really like to climb," Blaine says with a shrug. "Madam Bieste just threw me over her shoulder and told me that if I really wanted detention that badly just to spend time with you, she wasn't going to stand in our way."
"You're adorable," Kurt says, handing Blaine a pair of earmuffs and some gloves. "Some would say pathetic, but I say adorable." Kurt refuses to let Blaine see how truly touched he is, because the last thing Blaine needs is encouragement for what he thinks are grand romantic gestures.
"You're both pathetic," Santana says. "I think you guys could have managed an hour apart from each other."
"Yay, mandrakes!" Brittany yells as she bursts through the greenhouse doors, FluffyPrinceMarshmallow yipping at her heels.
"You were saying?" Kurt smirks, unable to miss the way Santana's eyes light up when she sees Brittany coming toward her.
"She's not here to hang out with me," Santana snaps, sitting down on the wooden chair in the corner of the greenhouse. "She's here to do my detention for me."
"And also to hang out with you," Brittany says. "FluffyPrinceMarshmallow misses his other mommy." Kurt bites back his laugh, raising an eyebrow at Santana and mouthing, "Mommy?" at her incredulously.
"Not a word, Hummel," Santana snaps. "You can judge me when you stop calling Blaine muffinbutt."
"That was one time and it was after you spiked my pumpkin juice," Kurt says, flushing.
"Kurt's alcoholism aside," Rachel says, narrowing her eyes at them both, "Santana, that is deplorable behavior."
"What?" Santana asks. "I'm not being mean, she loves this stuff."
"It's true," Brittany says with a shrug as she pulls on her gloves and puts three tiny pairs of earmuffs over each of FluffyPrinceMarshmallow's heads. "Mandrakes are like little root babies. I really want to put one in a stroller, but Professor Bamboo won't let me."
"It wouldn't be very fun, Brittany," Rachel says. "Mandrake cries are quite piercing."
"But not nearly as piercing as your voice," Santana says as she pointedly puts earmuffs on.
"I'll have you know I can sing in a higher register than any mandrake can shriek," Rachel says.
"I'm not sure that's something to brag about," Kurt says, patting her arm. "Now come on, earmuffs on, gloves on, let's re-pot these things."
-
Kurt hates mandrakes. He was going to have to be more stealthy with his illegal potions operation because he never wanted to do this again. Not even Blaine smiling brightly at him and bumping their shoulders together every now and then made it better. He'd never been so happy to see Professor Bamboo in his life as he was when the professor stumbled into the greenhouse an hour later, wiping at his eyes.
"Excellent job," Professor Bamboo says around a yawn. "You're all free to go."
"You're the best, Howard," Santana purrs at him.
"That's Professor Bamboo, Miss Lopez," he says, his cheeks flushing.
"Adorable," Santana says, pinching his cheek as she walks past him.
"Since you won't let me put a mandrake in a stroller, will you let me put you in a stroller?" Brittany asks, coming up behind Santana and tucking her chin over Santana's shoulder. "You would look great in a bonnet."
"Please just leave," Professor Bamboo says, looking around nervously.
"We were just on our way," Rachel says, linking arms with Santana and Brittany and rushing them out of the greenhouse with FluffyPrinceMarshmallow chasing after them.
Kurt grabs Blaine's hand after they've gotten their gloves off, and gives Professor Bamboo his most charming smile as they step out the greenhouse doors. It's a crisp autumn day and Kurt casts a quick Scourgify on himself and then Blaine to take care of any loose mandrake dirt before he wraps his scarf around his neck.
"Did you forget your gloves again?" Blaine asks as Kurt lets go of his hand so he can put his hands inside of his pocket.
"Maybe," Kurt mumbles. "I can neither confirm or deny this."
"Here," Blaine says, taking the glove off of his left hand and putting it on Kurt's. "Now we can still hold hands," he says, going to his tiptoes to kiss Kurt's cheek. Blaine's glove is a lurid yellow that clashes horribly with Kurt's silver and green scarf, but it's still warm from Blaine's hand and his stomach gives a familiar swooping feeling as he takes Blaine's hand.
"You're so ridiculous," Kurt says, hoping he can blame his flushed cheeks on the wind. "Getting detention to spend time with me, giving me your gloves. You're going to spoil me."
"Well, that's certainly the plan," Blaine says, snuggling in closer to Kurt's side, and Kurt hides his smile in Blaine's hair and squeezes his hand a little tighter as they head for the castle.
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 3,700+
Summary: "Kurt, Rachel, Santana," Professor Schuester says. "Please tell me I didn't just catch you selling illegal potions again."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 1 of 7 that we will be posting over the next week because we got a few Hogwarts!AU ideas stuck in our heads and they wouldn't leave us alone. These fics are just snippets from a larger universe and are meant as cracky fun, and therefore you won't find the Glee kids using Britishisms nor (unfortunately) will there be any surprise appearances from Professor Longbottom. We know we are far from the first people to write Kurt/Blaine at Hogwarts, but we hope you enjoy these fics anyway!
"Just remember not to use that under your eyes," Kurt says, handing his latest and greatest concoction off to a Ravenclaw fifth year.
"What happens if you use it under your eyes?" Rachel asks as Santana counts galleons delightedly.
"Have you ever seen someone after a puking pastille?" Kurt asks.
"Yes, it was disgusting," Rachel says, shivering.
"Well it's like that, only it's coming out of your eyes," Kurt says, only taking a little bit of satisfaction when Rachel turns a shade of green that very nearly matches her headband. He's busy jotting down today's profits when he hears a decidedly disapproving throat clear behind him.
"Kurt, Rachel, Santana," Professor Schuester says. "Please tell me I didn't just catch you selling illegal potions again."
Kurt opens his mouth to deny it - he's very good at spinning lies in the moment - when Professor Sylvester strolls, whistling, out of the nearest classroom and says, "Hey lady fantastic, do you have any more of that... hello, William," she finishes when she spots him.
"Sue," Professor Schuester says. "Are you aware that three of your students are running an illegal potions ring?"
"I'm aware of no such thing, and I'm offended that you'd even ask me," Professor Sylvester says.
"Well they are," Professor Schuester says with a sigh. "I think that at the least deserves detention, don't you?"
"On your word alone? Who do you think I am, some sniveling little ginger witch like your girlfriend? I don't answer to you."
"Well you do answer to Figgins, Sue, and I'm sure he'd love to hear that not only are your students making and selling illegal potions, but you're a customer. I'll just go let him know right now," Professor Schuester says. Kurt's just starting to panic when Professor Sylvester hooks her fingers in Professor Schuester's robes and drags him back.
"Fine then, bum chin. Detention, all three of you, six o'clock on Thursday in the greenhouses," Professor Sylvester says without bothering to look at them. Kurt's not going to complain - they'd be in far more trouble if Professor Schuester went to Headmaster Figgins, so he grabs Santana and Rachel by the hands and scurries them away.
"And ten million points from Gryffindor," they hear Coach Sylvester declare loudly, "for being a great big tattling house of tattlers."
"You know that's not how it works," Professor Schuester snaps. "We have had this discussion so many times, you cannot just randomly take points from my house because you feel like it."
"Well I don't see why not, since you take joy and happiness from my life every single time I have to look at your face." Kurt laughs quietly to himself as they round the corner and Professor Schuester and Sylvester's voices fade out.
-
"So now we all have detention on Thursday," Kurt says drowsily. He was trying to recount the entire unfair proceedings, but now that he's got his head in Blaine's lap on the hideously overstuffed yellow couch in the unoccupied corner of the Hufflepuff common room, and Blaine's been stroking his hair for the past ten minutes, Kurt is definitely about to fall asleep. He doesn't know how any of the Hufflepuffs get anything done. Their common room constantly smells like baking pastries and everything's so fluffy.
"What do you have to do?" Blaine asks, and it takes Kurt a second to remember what he was talking about.
"Something in the greenhouse," Kurt mumbles sleepily. "No idea what, though."
"You're so lucky," Brittany says, her head suddenly popping up over the edge of the couch. Kurt yelps and scrambles up, his heart pounding.
"How long have you been there?" Kurt asks.
"All day," Brittany says simply. "When I wear this dress I blend right into the back of the sofa and no one can see I'm there. It's awesome." Blaine just laughs, grinning indulgently at her, and Kurt rolls his eyes and settles back down on the couch beside Blaine.
"The greenhouses are awesome," Brittany continues, hopping around the side of the sofa and settling in on Blaine's other side. She starts to pet at his tie, and Kurt narrows his eyes. "I'm keeping a secret garden of Abyssinian shrivelfig in one of them so that I can shrink myself one day. The house elves said I'm too big to live with them right now."
"I'm sure they did," Kurt says, glaring a little harder as Brittany cuddles up to Blaine's shoulder and starts to toy with a random curl that's poking out over his ear. "Don't you have something else you could be doing right now?"
"I guess I could go see if Mike Chang will help me look for unicorns in the Forbidden Forest again," Brittany says, her eyes going wide as she jumps up from the sofa. "We totally almost caught one once when I convinced Rachel to go with us. She's a big virgin so the unicorns love her."
"You have fun with that," Kurt says, waving her off and straightening Blaine's misplaced curl.
"You're ridiculous," Blaine says quietly. "You don't have to be jealous of Brittany."
"I'm not," Kurt says, bristling. He is, but only because of that time Santana and Puck had spiked the Yule Ball punch with Firewhiskey and Blaine and Rachel had gotten drunk and made out. Granted, Kurt and Blaine weren't dating yet, but the fact that it happened remains and Kurt can't help feeling wary when girls hit on Blaine.
"You know you're the only one for me," Blaine says, his voice quiet as he noses at Kurt's ear.
"Oh?" Kurt asks, turning his head so he can kiss at Blaine's jaw. "Prove it."
Blaine's in his lap almost immediately, his warm hands sinking into Kurt's hair to tug and tilt Kurt's face up, his mouth hot and insistent over Kurt's, kissing him hard enough that it pushes Kurt into the back of the couch. Kurt gasps softly against Blaine's mouth, kissing back just as hard and letting his hands slide down to cup Blaine's hips under his sweater, holding on and trying not to buck his hips up when Blaine starts to shift down in Kurt's lap. He moves slowly, deliberately, grinding his hips with Kurt's in a way that sends heat sparking up Kurt's spine, making his fingers tighten where they're gripping Blaine's sides.
"How's this?" Blaine asks after a few minutes, pulling back to look at Kurt. His cheeks are flushed and there's an unmistakable grin playing at his lips, and it takes Kurt a second to remember what they were even talking about.
"Hmm," Kurt says, running his thumb over Blaine's swollen lips and really, really hoping that Brittany's actually left and isn't just camouflaging herself again. "It's a start."
-
"Well look what the cat dragged in," Kurt says without looking up from his copy of Enchantment in Baking. He can see Santana dragging someone into the common room out of the corner of his eye, and when Santana doesn't respond immediately Kurt finally gives a little sigh and looks up. He hopes she's not kidnapping fourth years again.
It turns out that it's not a fourth year that's trying to tug his wrist away from Santana's grasp. It's Blaine. Kurt's eyes widen.
"What are you--"
"Your house elf of a boyfriend here tried to have sex with me," Santana says, dragging Blaine over to the chair Kurt's curled up on. Kurt's mouth drops open.
"No, I was not-- no, Kurt, she's making that up," Blaine says quickly, finally pulling his wrist free from Santana's hand. "All I did was ask her for tips on how to be a bad boy."
Kurt's mouth snaps shut, but his eyes don't get any less wide. The book in his lap slides to the floor and Kurt doesn't even try to reach for it before it falls. "And why, pray tell, do you need Santana to tell you how-- how to be a bad boy?" Kurt hisses. The other Slytherins in the common room don't even bother to look up, used to outbursts like this. It's something that comes with having Rachel Berry in your house, Kurt assumes.
"Well isn't it obvious?" Blaine asks, glancing from Kurt over to Santana and then back to his boyfriend. "I want to serve detention with you."
"Okay look, gnome," Santana says, leaning back on the arm of the couch. "I don't know what you think detention is in that special little head of yours, but it's not an exclusive party that Professor Sylvester is throwing for us to congratulate us on breaking the rules. It's grunt work, and it sucks, and while my girl has a thing for greenhouses, I don't think I can handle your Hufflepuff stupidity on top of that."
"So you liked it better when you thought Blaine was propositioning you for sex?" Kurt asks through gritted teeth.
"Duh. I thought he was finally going to let me tap that ass. Or at least spank it." Santana gives Blaine a wink and Blaine starts to sputter indignantly.
"Okay, okay," Kurt finally says, holding up his hand. "Santana, leave Blaine alone, you're scaring him. Blaine, while the thought is very sweet, you are not going to try to get detention just so we can spend time in the greenhouses together. I'm pretty sure that classifies as an unhealthy relationship."
"But that's the problem," Blaine says as soon as Santana huffs angrily and then gets up to move across the room. "I already tried. And I can't. That's why I came to Santana."
"What exactly have you been trying?" Kurt asks, holding his arms out so Blaine can sit down on his lap. He refuses to be jealous that Blaine didn't come ask him how to be a bad boy. He tries, anyway.
"First I tried breaking into song during Charms, but Professor Pillsbury seemed to really enjoy it. I'm not entirely sure she knew the song was supposed to be raunchy, though," Blaine says.
"Wait, what did you sing?" Kurt asks.
"If You Give A Centaur A Hand," Blaine says, grinning at him.
"You did not. Oh, Blaine," Kurt sighs.
"You totally picked the wrong class to do that in," Santana pipes up. "I hear Professor Pillsbury once called an emergency staff meeting because the Ravenclaw boys spent so long in the baths and made strange noises."
"Anyway," Kurt says, pointedly ignoring Santana, "what else did you do?"
"I went into the Forbidden Forest, because Forbidden is right there in the name, so I figured there's no way I could fail."
"And?" Kurt asks.
"I failed," Blaine says bitterly. "I only got a little ways in when I heard this really pathetic crying and then I found a baby hippogriff, all abandoned and alone, so I brought it to the groundskeeper."
"Oh honey," Kurt says, kissing his forehead. "You're ridiculous. I promise you, I will survive one detention without you."
"But you shouldn't have to," Blaine says. "Technically I helped you come up with that lightening potion, so I should share in the blame."
"How exactly did you help me with that again?" Kurt asks. "I don't seem to remember that happening at all. I came up with this potion months ago."
"I kept telling you how cute your freckles were and you kept telling me that Slytherins weren't cute and you were going to find some way to get rid of them."
Kurt's face starts to heat up at the memory, and he turns his head away from Blaine's big eyes. "Shut up, I didn't know what I was saying. We weren't even dating yet and I panicked and you shouldn't have been going around calling people's freckles cute anyway, Hufflepuff, honestly."
Blaine grins widely and leans in to rub his nose over Kurt's cheek. "I'm glad you didn't get rid of all of them," he whispers into Kurt's ear. "I like them."
Santana starts making gagging noises.
"You're the most badass Hufflepuff I've ever met, you know," Kurt says fondly, hiding his blush in Blaine's shoulder.
"Really?" Blaine says happily. "That means so much."
"I can't take it, I am going to go into a diabetic coma," Santana snaps, flouncing her way up the stairs. "But hey, Blaine!" she calls down once she reaches the landing. "I hear a great way to get detention is to replace Professor Schuester's Sleekeazy's Hair Potion with binding glue."
"Do not listen to her," Kurt says, kissing Blaine softly. "Besides, Professor Sylvester does that like once a week, he knows to smell it first by now."
-
"So," Kurt asks the next day while Blaine is carrying an armload of little metal bowls across the courtyard. Kurt heard the clanking on his way back from Ancient Runes and his curiosity got the better of him. "How's being a badass going, Blaine?"
"Oh, I gave up on that," Blaine says with a shrug, sending one of the bowls flying. Kurt bends down to grab it, quickly following after Blaine as the pace of his steps increases. "Do you want to come see the three-headed puppies I found at the edge of the forest this morning? Finn and Brittany are out there with them right now. She's been naming each of the heads and it's kind of confusing."
Kurt blinks slowly. "You found three-headed puppies? How do you always find baby animals in the Forbidden Forest? The only time I went in there I saw a particularly large spider and I've never gone back."
"Just luck, I guess. Now come on," Blaine says with a bright smile, walking faster. "They're adorable."
-
Finn's spread out on the grass at the edge of the forest, Brittany sitting cross-legged beside him while surprisingly adorable three-headed puppies run all over them.
"Kurt!" Finn calls out when he catches sight of them. "Bro, you have got to see these little guys," he says excitedly, sitting up and scooping up one of the puppies with two brown heads and one white. It barks excitedly and licks Finn in the face with its white head. "This one's my favorite," Finn says. "I named him Drizzle."
"Finn doesn't understand how to name three-headed dogs," Brittany says as she pets absently at one of Drizzle's brown heads. "I suggested DrizzleFizzleSizzle."
"You're right, that's so much better than just Drizzle," Kurt says, rolling his eyes when Blaine elbows him. "What are you going to do with them?" Kurt asks as one of the puppies ambles over and starts to play tug of war with itself using Blaine's shoelace.
"Madam Beiste is totally going to let us keep one," Blaine says happily.
"She said that?" Kurt asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"Well, not in so many words." Blaine reaches down to pick up the puppy. "But when we convinced her to come see them she absolutely fell in love with FluffyPrinceMarshmallow," Blaine says, veering off into a ridiculous baby-talk voice as he says the dog's name.
"I'm guessing this is FluffyPrinceMarshmallow," Kurt says, staring at the ball of white fluff Blaine's holding in front of his face.
"Plus, I bet once she lets you guys have one she can convince Professor Schue to let Gryffindor keep one as a house pet," Finn says. "Puck's already started transfiguring his books into little dog beds."
"None of this is surprising," Kurt says, rolling his eyes and giving in when Blaine wiggles the puppy in front of his face. "They are kind of cute," Kurt says as the puppy barks and tries to chew on the sleeve of his robes with its left head.
"You should ask Professor Sylvester if Slytherin can have one," Brittany says. "There are five, that means one for each house and one for Brad!"
"You're on a first name basis with the groundskeeper?" Kurt asks her. "Really?"
"Brad's super nice," Brittany says. "He lets Lord Tubbington chase the mice in the pumpkin patch."
"I don't know if Professor Slyvester is really the puppy type," Kurt says gently. "Maybe Madam Beiste will let you have two."
"You hear that, FluffyPrinceMarshmallow?" Blaine coos, cuddling into Kurt's side and petting the puppy's head. "You might have a friend!"
"You are so ridiculous," Kurt says fondly, turning his head to peck Blaine on the lips.
"I thought I was a badass," Blaine says, resting his forehead against Kurt's.
"The most adorable badass there ever was," Kurt agrees, wincing when FluffyPrinceMarshmallow licks his cheek.
-
Thursday evening rolls around and Kurt's just pulled on his gloves and is reaching for his earmuffs with a look of disdain on his face - they're animal print and they clash horribly with the Slytherin colors he's wearing - when the door to the greenhouse swings open and Blaine strolls in, looking immensely pleased with himself.
"Well huh," Santana says, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh no, Blaine, what did you do to finally get detention?" Kurt asks. He assumed Blaine had dropped it since he didn't hear any more horror stories after the whole business with the puppies, and now he's somewhat terrified of what the answer will be.
"It was an accident, actually," Blaine says, blushing a little as he steps around Rachel to kiss Kurt's cheek. "Thad levitated my copy of Hogwarts: A History on top of the bookshelf and I climbed up there to get it and I got stuck--"
"As you do," Santana interrupts.
"--and I was up there for almost an hour before Madam Bieste found me."
"Why didn't you just Accio your stupid book?" Santana asks. Kurt rolls his eyes, already knowing the answer.
"I just really like to climb," Blaine says with a shrug. "Madam Bieste just threw me over her shoulder and told me that if I really wanted detention that badly just to spend time with you, she wasn't going to stand in our way."
"You're adorable," Kurt says, handing Blaine a pair of earmuffs and some gloves. "Some would say pathetic, but I say adorable." Kurt refuses to let Blaine see how truly touched he is, because the last thing Blaine needs is encouragement for what he thinks are grand romantic gestures.
"You're both pathetic," Santana says. "I think you guys could have managed an hour apart from each other."
"Yay, mandrakes!" Brittany yells as she bursts through the greenhouse doors, FluffyPrinceMarshmallow yipping at her heels.
"You were saying?" Kurt smirks, unable to miss the way Santana's eyes light up when she sees Brittany coming toward her.
"She's not here to hang out with me," Santana snaps, sitting down on the wooden chair in the corner of the greenhouse. "She's here to do my detention for me."
"And also to hang out with you," Brittany says. "FluffyPrinceMarshmallow misses his other mommy." Kurt bites back his laugh, raising an eyebrow at Santana and mouthing, "Mommy?" at her incredulously.
"Not a word, Hummel," Santana snaps. "You can judge me when you stop calling Blaine muffinbutt."
"That was one time and it was after you spiked my pumpkin juice," Kurt says, flushing.
"Kurt's alcoholism aside," Rachel says, narrowing her eyes at them both, "Santana, that is deplorable behavior."
"What?" Santana asks. "I'm not being mean, she loves this stuff."
"It's true," Brittany says with a shrug as she pulls on her gloves and puts three tiny pairs of earmuffs over each of FluffyPrinceMarshmallow's heads. "Mandrakes are like little root babies. I really want to put one in a stroller, but Professor Bamboo won't let me."
"It wouldn't be very fun, Brittany," Rachel says. "Mandrake cries are quite piercing."
"But not nearly as piercing as your voice," Santana says as she pointedly puts earmuffs on.
"I'll have you know I can sing in a higher register than any mandrake can shriek," Rachel says.
"I'm not sure that's something to brag about," Kurt says, patting her arm. "Now come on, earmuffs on, gloves on, let's re-pot these things."
-
Kurt hates mandrakes. He was going to have to be more stealthy with his illegal potions operation because he never wanted to do this again. Not even Blaine smiling brightly at him and bumping their shoulders together every now and then made it better. He'd never been so happy to see Professor Bamboo in his life as he was when the professor stumbled into the greenhouse an hour later, wiping at his eyes.
"Excellent job," Professor Bamboo says around a yawn. "You're all free to go."
"You're the best, Howard," Santana purrs at him.
"That's Professor Bamboo, Miss Lopez," he says, his cheeks flushing.
"Adorable," Santana says, pinching his cheek as she walks past him.
"Since you won't let me put a mandrake in a stroller, will you let me put you in a stroller?" Brittany asks, coming up behind Santana and tucking her chin over Santana's shoulder. "You would look great in a bonnet."
"Please just leave," Professor Bamboo says, looking around nervously.
"We were just on our way," Rachel says, linking arms with Santana and Brittany and rushing them out of the greenhouse with FluffyPrinceMarshmallow chasing after them.
Kurt grabs Blaine's hand after they've gotten their gloves off, and gives Professor Bamboo his most charming smile as they step out the greenhouse doors. It's a crisp autumn day and Kurt casts a quick Scourgify on himself and then Blaine to take care of any loose mandrake dirt before he wraps his scarf around his neck.
"Did you forget your gloves again?" Blaine asks as Kurt lets go of his hand so he can put his hands inside of his pocket.
"Maybe," Kurt mumbles. "I can neither confirm or deny this."
"Here," Blaine says, taking the glove off of his left hand and putting it on Kurt's. "Now we can still hold hands," he says, going to his tiptoes to kiss Kurt's cheek. Blaine's glove is a lurid yellow that clashes horribly with Kurt's silver and green scarf, but it's still warm from Blaine's hand and his stomach gives a familiar swooping feeling as he takes Blaine's hand.
"You're so ridiculous," Kurt says, hoping he can blame his flushed cheeks on the wind. "Getting detention to spend time with me, giving me your gloves. You're going to spoil me."
"Well, that's certainly the plan," Blaine says, snuggling in closer to Kurt's side, and Kurt hides his smile in Blaine's hair and squeezes his hand a little tighter as they head for the castle.