Kurt Hummel and the Veela Predicament, Kurt/Blaine (HP!AU 2/7), PG-13
Title: Kurt Hummel and the Veela Predicament
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana, Finn/Rachel)
Word Count: 4,100+
Summary: Kurt was pretty sure he'd notice if everyone had started to hit on him, but apparently he was wrong. And unfortunately it took Noah Puckerman quite literally backing him into a corner to do it.
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 2 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here! (Please note that these fics are in sequential order, but are for the most part only loosely connected and may not take place immediately after each other.)
At first, Kurt just thinks Blaine is being really paranoid. Which is nothing new, because Blaine was once convinced Peeves had been whispering things in his ear while he slept in an effort to make him have nightmares. Kurt knows for a fact that it's not true, because Santana had actually paid Brittany to whisper things in Blaine's ear while he slept so he'd have nightmares.
The point is, Kurt thought Blaine was just being his usual weirdo self and seeing things that weren't there when he insisted that everyone kept hitting on Kurt. Kurt was pretty sure he'd notice if everyone had started to hit on him, but apparently he was wrong. And unfortunately it took Noah Puckerman quite literally backing him into a corner to do it.
-
"You know I was supposed to be in Slytherin, right?" Puck says, trailing his hand down Kurt's arm.
"I know that you're a Slytherin legacy who was hilariously sorted in Gryffindor," Kurt says, rolling his eyes and trying to shrug off Puck's weird, insistent touching. "Now do you mind? I need to find Finn before this howler from Carole decides a step-son is good enough and starts screaming at me."
"I could make you scream, Kurt," Puck says in a low voice, pressing his hips closer to Kurt's, and wow, that is definitely Puck's dick pressing against his hip. Kurt freezes. What the hell?
"Oh, allow me," Kurt says, bringing his knee up viciously. Puck groans and slumps sideways, cupping his balls, and Kurt walks away without bothering to look back. Who does Puck think he is, anyway? Kurt should hex him into oblivion for that. Maybe he got a hold of a bad batch of love potion or something and--
"Hi, Kurt," Mercedes says, pressing herself into his side and kissing at his jaw. Kurt freezes again, trying to pull back before Mercedes can tighten her arm around his waist. Cheek kisses aren't unusual since Mercedes is a close friend, but right now her hand is sliding up inside his robes and Kurt is starting to turn red.
"What on earth are you doing?" Kurt hisses, finally pulling away from her, and Mercedes pouts at him.
"I'm just saying hi, Kurt," Mercedes says slowly, sounding - if Kurt didn't know any better - distinctly seductive. She knows Kurt bats for the other team. She is intimately acquainted with that information, so there's no reason for her to be making those eyes at Kurt right now, like she wants to devour him.
"Maybe you should go back down to the Great Hall," Kurt says quickly, backing away as she starts toward him again. On a whim, he says, "I really want pumpkin juice. I would be - I'd be very grateful for the person who went and got me some."
Mercedes eyes light up. "I can do that, Kurt! Just wait right here." She heads off down the hallway and Kurt lets out a slow breath, wincing when he feels the howler in his hand shake angrily. As soon as he throws this thing at Finn's head, it's off to go kill Santana for whatever she's done to Kurt.
-
He finds Finn when he hears Rachel enthusiastically singing a verse of The Unicorn's Party Song, and by the time he's up the steps to the dormitories, Finn's singing along, only slightly off key.
"Thank merlin," Kurt sighs, throwing the howler at Finn's head as soon as he steps through the door. "I've been looking for you everyw--"
"Finn Hudson!" the howler cries in Carole's voice. "Did you really think you could get away with sending our family owl off with an order form for Veela Virgins? I won't put up with you using our owl to order porn and you had best believe that not only did I rip that order to shreds, but Burt and I had quite the time going through your room at home and throwing away every single filthy magazine you've somehow managed to get your hands on. We've also set up an appointment for you with a wizarding therapist, because some of that stuff was just worrying, Finn. That is not what broomsticks are for.
"Oh, but tell Kurt I say hi when you see him, and tell him his father and I miss him very much and are very proud of his mid-term grades!" the howler finishes in a much kinder voice before it tears itself to shreds.
There's a moment of uncomfortable silence where Rachel and Kurt just stare at Finn, mouths open. Kurt's never seen Finn look more embarrassed, not even that time when Lauren Zizes pantsed him after a rumor that Finn was half giant had gone around.
(She'd been disappointed in the results.)
Rachel looks helplessly at Kurt, like he has some kind of answer for Finn's weird porn habits. When Kurt just gives her a shrug, she stands up and turns to Finn like she wants to say something before turning immediately back around and leaving the room. She trails her hand across Kurt's chest on the way out, but he doesn't really have time to focus on that because Finn groans loudly and drops his head into his hands.
"Man, do you have any idea how many strings Puck had to pull to get that order form?" he complains.
"I weep for you, really," Kurt says, rolling his eyes, and he's just about to leave before Finn shares any more unfortunate information about his porn habits, but then Finn looks up at him and his eyes go wide.
"What?" Kurt asks, lifting a hand to check his hair automatically. "What are you looking at?"
"Uh, Kurt, did you... hair?" Finn says, trailing off.
"Hair?" Kurt repeats. "What's wrong with my hair?"
"No, just, your hair. Good. Looks. Looks good, your hair does, wow. I'm just gonna--" Finn starts to walk forward, face flushed and eyes still wide. When he's close enough he brushes Kurt's hair behind his ear with his hand and then cups Kurt's face, and Kurt's so confused he doesn't realize what Finn's doing until Finn starts to lean down.
"What are you doing?" Kurt yelps, pushing Finn back roughly.
"I was going to kiss you!" Finn says, looking sick and still a little dazed. "Why was I going to kiss you? Kurt, what is--"
"Santana," Kurt hisses.
"No, don't kiss Santana, kiss me, you-- you have to leave," Finn says, panicked, and Kurt doesn't waste any time in hurrying out of the room and racing down the stairs and out of the Gryffindor common room.
Finn is his brother now. While Kurt two years ago might have enjoyed the attention, Kurt right now is very unnerved that whatever is happening to him is just getting worse. It doesn't make any sense, which is how Kurt knows he has to find Santana and kill her.
Or ask her to fix him. Whatever.
-
"Hello my handsome-- whoa," Blaine says, stopping short when he gets a look at Kurt's face. "Who are you mad at, and if it's me I'm sorry."
"It's not you," Kurt says, grabbing Blaine's arm and tugging him along as he keeps marching toward the dungeons. "Just... don't look directly at me."
"Huh?" Blaine asks, stumbling along behind him before he rights himself and hurries to keep up with Kurt. "Why not? I like looking at you."
"Yeah, and apparently so does everyone else," Kurt groans. "Puck, Mercedes, Rachel, and Finn just tried to hit on me. Santana must have gotten her hands on one of my love potions again and slipped some to me. I knew she was pissed at me for telling her that her sweater was hideous, but really, it's her own fault for wearing a hideous sweater."
"I told you people were hitting on-- wait, Finn hit on you?" Blaine asks, sounding entirely too interested. "That's... he's your brother. And he's so very tall."
"Stop it," Kurt snaps. "It was horrifying."
"Kurt," Blaine sighs, grabbing his arm and spinning him around. "Look at me."
"No," Kurt says. "This is the worst day of my life."
"We'll find Santana and clear it all up," Blaine says, tilting Kurt's face up with a finger under his chin and then leaning up on his toes to kiss him on the forehead. "I can't go around beating everyone in the castle up for hitting on my boyfriend," he says, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist. "Even if I did tell you this was happening and you refused to believe me."
"Oh would you let it go, you're right one time and-- wait," Kurt says, finally looking at Blaine full on. "Don't you feel like attacking me with your mouth right now? Or at least making some kind of attempt at it?"
"Um," Blaine says, blushing. "Do you mean you want to go make out? Because I found this room full of nothing but old brooms and it doesn't look like anyone's been in there for years and with a dusting charm we could--"
"No, I mean, do you... feel a burning desire to try to have sex with me?" Kurt hisses quietly.
"Kind of," Blaine says, shuffling his feet. "But no more than I usually do."
"I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy," Kurt says, stepping closer to Blaine and pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I guess you want to come with me to kill Santana?"
"Talk to Santana," Blaine says slowly. "You mean you're going to talk to Santana."
"Right, of course, isn't that what I said?" Kurt kisses Blaine quickly on the mouth and pulls back, hooking his arm with Blaine's. "Now let's go before anyone else tries to molest me."
Blaine laughs shortly. "Just what did Finn try to do?"
Kurt sighs. "Just no stopping to talk to anyone, okay? Especially not your frog choir friends, I think some of them have crushes on me." It was adorable, the way Blaine's a capella choir friends were all in Hufflepuff and always so friendly and prone to popping up to say hi wherever Blaine went, but sometimes Kurt got the impression they were just a little too friendly.
"We sing with warblers now, so we're the warbler choir," Blaine says matter-of-factly. "And don't be alarmed, that's just how they are. Extremely loyal and friendly and good at back rubs."
Kurt really doesn't want to get into that argument now. "Walk faster, Hufflepuff."
"Yes sir."
-
"Santana!" Kurt yells, storming through the common room and getting several wide-eyed looks. "Get your skinny ass down here right now!" Even some of the fish swimming past the giant windows of the common room look alarmed.
"Screw you, Hummel!" Santana calls back, followed a few seconds later with a "Hi, Kurt!" from Brittany.
"Hold my wand," Kurt tells Blaine, handing it over, and he rolls up his sleeves and holds tight to the railing as he starts to climb. The stairs, predictably, turn into a stone slide, but Kurt ignores the stares from his housemates and keeps climbing until he gets to the sixth year girls' dormitory. He's panting by the time he opens the door to find Santana sitting on her bed behind Brittany, braiding her hair.
"Merlin, Kurt, what do you want? We're kind of busy here."
"Confess, you horrible witch, before--"
"Fine, whatever, I put rocks under your mattress."
"--I hex you so--" Kurt freezes. "Wait, what? You put what?"
"Rocks. Under your mattress. Just take them out, prank's over, you win." Santana's still not even looking up at him.
Kurt sputters. "That's not-- I'm talking about the love potion, Santana. The one that makes, you know." Kurt lowers his voice. "That keeps making everyone want me."
Santana's eyebrows furrow and she finally looks up at him. "Well first off, that sounds like an irresistible potion, and fuck if I have any idea how to make one of those. You're the potion genius, not me. And second, as much as I would love to take the blame for whatever you're pissed about, I didn't slip you any potions. Not recently, anyway."
"But it had to be you," Kurt says. "Why else would everyone be coming on to me?"
"Maybe there's just something about you today," Santana says in a voice much huskier than before, and Kurt realizes with a sinking feeling in his stomach that she hasn't stopped staring at him. "Something that makes people want to tie you down and have a little fun," Santana continues, getting up off the bed and stepping toward Kurt. "Hey, Brit, what do you say about having a little fun with Kurt, here?"
"Totally," Brittany says, smiling sweetly up at Kurt. "He's my ex but we'll always be close, won't we, Kurt?"
"Okay, I need to go," Kurt says, trying to squirm away when Santana starts running her finger down his chest. "Santana, you're gay, remember?"
"And so are you, but if we do this thing I'm sure it'll cancel out the gay and work out fine," Santana says with a wide grin.
"Just-- no," Kurt says, quickly ducking away from her and hurrying out of the room. Blaine's waiting for him at the bottom steps, holding Kurt's wand out to him when Kurt hops down.
"Did she tell you how to fix it? And... is your tie undone?" Blaine asks, something like a smirk playing at his lips.
Kurt groans, putting his wand away so he can fix his tie. "She claims she didn't do it, and Santana's usually pretty good about owning her pranks. She's not one for modesty."
"Which means..."
"Which means everyone is still coming on to me and I have no explanation for it," Kurt says, picking up the speed of his steps when a fourth year drops her books and starts toward him.
-
"Are you sure you should be going to class?" Blaine asks, trailing after Kurt on their way to Potions. "Especially this class?"
"Why not this class?" Kurt asks.
"No reason," Blaine sighs, taking Kurt's hand as they head into the Potions classroom. Kurt winces when every head turns to stare at him as he and Blaine walk to the front of the classroom and sit down beside Quinn.
"Listen," Kurt says, taking his seat, "you might want to try avoiding looking directly at me."
"I always do," Quinn says without looking up from her Potions book. She's scrawling vaguely pornographic illustrations of Rachel in the margins. Kurt wants to tell her that Rachel's breasts aren't quite that big, but he decides it's better to leave it alone.
"There's no need to be rude, Miss Fabray," Professor St. James says, sweeping into the classroom. Quinn laughs, and then looks over to Kurt and rolls her eyes.
"No, I said don't--" Kurt says, trying to hide his face with his hands.
"What is your damage?" Quinn asks.
"Wait," Kurt says, lowering his hands. "You don't want to... do anything untoward to me?" he whispers.
"I have enough baggage without going after gay guys," Quinn says, waving her hand.
"If you're quite done demonstrating your questionable taste, I'd like to begin the lesson," Professer St. James says, turning to face their table. Kurt feels Blaine stiffen beside him as Professor St. James stops and stares at Kurt with his mouth hanging open slightly.
"Mr. Hummel," he says. "Might I say that you look particularly fetching today."
"Oh no," Kurt groans, dropping his head to his hands. This was starting to get ridiculous.
"Dude, we all know Hummel's hot but you're kind of a teacher," Puck pipes up from the table behind them. "Aren't there rules against that?"
"Who cares about rules when they keep you from Kurt," Tina sighs dreamily from the other side of the room.
"Preach," Artie says. Kurt looks up just in time to see Artie licking his lips and he wonders how much trouble he'd get in for running out of the classroom right now.
"I have to say," Lauren says from beside Puck, "I wouldn't mind just bending him in half and--"
"Hey," Blaine yells, standing up. "We're not sure what's going on but could everyone just try to stop hitting on my boyfriend?"
"Emphasis on the boy," Professor St. James says, leaning down on his elbows and taking Kurt's hand. "What you need is a man, Kurt."
"You're like three years older than us," Blaine snaps. "You're not even a real professor here, you're just stepping in while Professor Corcoran is out."
"Oh, well this is just hilarious," Quinn says. "They always say boys develop slower than girls but this is just sad."
"What's sad? What's hilarious?" Kurt asks, trying to pull his hand away from Professor St. James. "What are you talking about?"
"You're obviously going through Veela puberty late in life," Quinn says. "Did your dad never give you the talk?"
"Like, the sex talk?" Blaine says quietly, flushing. "Because--"
"Shut up, Blaine," Kurt says. "What talk?"
"You know, the whole, 'You're part Veela, don't use your powers for evil, don't sleep around just because you can' thing," Quinn says. "Veela puberty is just when your powers kick in."
"Wait," Puck says from behind them. "Puberty? Is Hummel going to start his period?"
"Shut up, Puck," Kurt and Quinn snap at the same time.
"Be quiet," Professor St. James shouts. "All of you. I need everyone but Kurt to please calmly exit the classroom. I plan to ravage him on my desk and while I do enjoy putting on a good show, I'm afraid I'll need complete privacy."
"No one is ravaging anyone," Blaine growls, reaching for his wand.
"Oh please," Puck says. "It was just a matter of time, everyone knows Professor St. James is totally hot for Kurt."
"What?" Kurt asks, blinking.
"It's true," Blaine sighs. "Everyone does know that."
"He's right, I'm not very subtle," Professor St. James says, grinning at Kurt and stepping forward to run his finger under Kurt's collar.
"Okay," Quinn says, standing up and grabbing Kurt's arm. "Come with me, I'll take you to Professor Pillsbury. She's technically the guidance counselor. She's constantly slipping pamphlets under everyone's doors in Ravenclaw house."
"Anything that will get me out of here," Kurt says, grabbing Blaine's wrist when Blaine reaches for his wand again as Professor St. James starts to tug on Kurt's tie. "Come on, Blaine," Kurt says, patting him on the shoulder.
-
"Professor?" Kurt calls, knocking tentatively at Professor Pillsbury's office door.
"Hello Kurt, please sit down," Professor Pillsbury says from around a rather large box on top of her desk. "Quinn's told me about your, um, condition, and I want you to know that--"
"So she's right?" Kurt asks tightly. "I'm part Veela?"
"Well yes, Kurt, and you should know you have nothing to be ashamed of, not a thing. This is a fairly common occurrence for wizards and witches with Veela blood coming of age."
"I'm guessing that's what the box is about?" Kurt sighs.
Professor Pillsbury clears her throat, sounding distinctly flustered when she starts talking again. "What I don't understand is how you didn't know about this. I know that your mother passed when you were young, but surely your father should have warned you."
"My dad's a muggle," Kurt says. "I'm guessing that if mom told him he just didn't understand the implications."
"Oh, I see," Professor Pillsbury says. "Well, things are going to be a little weird for a while, Kurt, getting used to your, well, your new powers. This box is here because we can't take any risks, you know, I wouldn't want to--" Professor Pillsbury cuts herself off, clearing her throat again. "Well, anyway, here are some pamphlets." She hands them to Kurt around the box, and he glances down, rolling his eyes at the handful of pamphlets that say things like "Understanding Your Powers: When does sexual persuasion turn into sexual harassment?" and "V is for Veela, and also Venereal Disease! How to stay safe when you can have anyone you want!" Kurt raises his eyebrows.
"The good news is that this situation should only last about a week, and since your mom was only half Veela you won't have to worry about boys and girls following you around like lovesick puppies all the time. Your powers won't be that strong when they settle. At most you'll just be a lot more attractive than your peers, so congratulations, I guess!"
"How-- how do you know she was half?" Kurt asks, unable to help himself. He knows so little about his mom, especially since she died before he got his Hogwarts letter, before he had a chance to ask her questions about the magical world.
"Oh, well, full-blooded Veela very rarely marry," Professor Pillsbury says. "It's much more likely that she'd have just fornicated with your dad and then possibly killed him, depending on how he... um, performed."
"Wow, okay," Kurt says. "I could have done without knowing that."
"Right, sorry," she says. "But, yes. If she was only a quarter Veela it would mean you were only an eighth and your powers wouldn't be manifesting quite as... intensely. Male Veela are actually quite rare, you know! You're very special, Kurt."
"Thanks?" Kurt asks, opening a pamphlet entitled "You've got the magic in you!" that mostly seems to be about the history of Veelas and includes some very distasteful drawings. "Can I go now?"
"That would probably be for the best," Professor Pillsbury says. "I'm pretty sure Madam Bieste got this box from the trash, and I very much want it off of my desk now."
"Right," Kurt says, pushing his chair back and heading for the door. "Thanks, Professor Pillsbury."
-
"So?" Blaine asks as Kurt shuts the door to Professor Pillsbury's office.
"Quinn was right, I'm a Veela. Well, part Veela. Everyone wants to do me right now but that will stop in a week, and did I mention that I hate my life?" Kurt sighs.
"I'll still want to do you after a week," Blaine says cheerfully, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist, and Kurt rolls his eyes but still smiles indulgently at Blaine, at least until a sickening thought occurs to him.
"Wait, what if you just want me because I'm a Veela?"
Blaine frowns. "But I liked you way before I knew you were a Veela."
"Right, but what if it was like some Veela side effect anyway and you wouldn't even like me if we weren't both gay and I weren't a Veela and--"
"Stop it," Blaine says quietly, his voice suddenly serious in a way it rarely gets. "Kurt, I've had a crush on you since fourth year when we had Muggle Studies together."
"Oh," Kurt says softly, thinking back to that class. "Your hair was so different then."
"I know," Blaine says, rolling his eyes. "You taught me how to eat a taco when Professor Holiday took us out, remember?"
"I will never forget the face you made when you squirted hot sauce in your mouth," Kurt says, grinning.
"The point is, I've been a little bit in love with you ever since you gave me your water and rubbed my back while I coughed," Blaine says softly. "I was in love with your freckles and your Slytherin bowties and the way your eyes got a little squinty when you were particularly disdainful. None of that comes from Veela powers."
"I hate my stupid freckles," Kurt says, laughing thickly and blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall.
"I know," Blaine says, stepping closer and rubbing his knuckles over the curve of Kurt's cheeks where the last of his freckles are fading away. "Isn't that kind of the point?"
"What do you mean?" Kurt asks, leaning into the touch. "The point of what?"
"Of being in love," Blaine says, flushing a little. "Loving all the parts of someone that they hate."
"Oh, Blaine Hufflepuff," Kurt says, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Sometimes you say the sweetest things."
"About that," Blaine says, leaning up to brush his lips across Kurt's again, and then again after that. "Can we please go make out now? Because I'm not completely immune to your Veela puberty and I just want to kiss you, like, everywhere, sweet Merlin."
"Oh Blaine," Kurt laughs, burying his face in Blaine's shoulder when he can't seem to stop.
"Is that a yes?" Blaine asks, nosing at the short hair over Kurt's ear and running his hand up Kurt's back under his robes. "Because Kurt, the way you smell. I mean, it drives me crazy usually but it's driving me actually crazy right now and if I don't get to touch you soon I'm going to die, I swear it."
"Well we can't have that," Kurt says, stepping back and grabbing onto Blaine's tie, tugging him forward and watching Blaine's throat bob, his eyes going dark. "Let's go see if the Astronomy Tower is free."
"You're the best quarter-Veela boyfriend ever, just so you know," Blaine says breathlessly, stumbling after Kurt as he turns and heads for the Tower.
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana, Finn/Rachel)
Word Count: 4,100+
Summary: Kurt was pretty sure he'd notice if everyone had started to hit on him, but apparently he was wrong. And unfortunately it took Noah Puckerman quite literally backing him into a corner to do it.
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 2 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here! (Please note that these fics are in sequential order, but are for the most part only loosely connected and may not take place immediately after each other.)
At first, Kurt just thinks Blaine is being really paranoid. Which is nothing new, because Blaine was once convinced Peeves had been whispering things in his ear while he slept in an effort to make him have nightmares. Kurt knows for a fact that it's not true, because Santana had actually paid Brittany to whisper things in Blaine's ear while he slept so he'd have nightmares.
The point is, Kurt thought Blaine was just being his usual weirdo self and seeing things that weren't there when he insisted that everyone kept hitting on Kurt. Kurt was pretty sure he'd notice if everyone had started to hit on him, but apparently he was wrong. And unfortunately it took Noah Puckerman quite literally backing him into a corner to do it.
-
"You know I was supposed to be in Slytherin, right?" Puck says, trailing his hand down Kurt's arm.
"I know that you're a Slytherin legacy who was hilariously sorted in Gryffindor," Kurt says, rolling his eyes and trying to shrug off Puck's weird, insistent touching. "Now do you mind? I need to find Finn before this howler from Carole decides a step-son is good enough and starts screaming at me."
"I could make you scream, Kurt," Puck says in a low voice, pressing his hips closer to Kurt's, and wow, that is definitely Puck's dick pressing against his hip. Kurt freezes. What the hell?
"Oh, allow me," Kurt says, bringing his knee up viciously. Puck groans and slumps sideways, cupping his balls, and Kurt walks away without bothering to look back. Who does Puck think he is, anyway? Kurt should hex him into oblivion for that. Maybe he got a hold of a bad batch of love potion or something and--
"Hi, Kurt," Mercedes says, pressing herself into his side and kissing at his jaw. Kurt freezes again, trying to pull back before Mercedes can tighten her arm around his waist. Cheek kisses aren't unusual since Mercedes is a close friend, but right now her hand is sliding up inside his robes and Kurt is starting to turn red.
"What on earth are you doing?" Kurt hisses, finally pulling away from her, and Mercedes pouts at him.
"I'm just saying hi, Kurt," Mercedes says slowly, sounding - if Kurt didn't know any better - distinctly seductive. She knows Kurt bats for the other team. She is intimately acquainted with that information, so there's no reason for her to be making those eyes at Kurt right now, like she wants to devour him.
"Maybe you should go back down to the Great Hall," Kurt says quickly, backing away as she starts toward him again. On a whim, he says, "I really want pumpkin juice. I would be - I'd be very grateful for the person who went and got me some."
Mercedes eyes light up. "I can do that, Kurt! Just wait right here." She heads off down the hallway and Kurt lets out a slow breath, wincing when he feels the howler in his hand shake angrily. As soon as he throws this thing at Finn's head, it's off to go kill Santana for whatever she's done to Kurt.
-
He finds Finn when he hears Rachel enthusiastically singing a verse of The Unicorn's Party Song, and by the time he's up the steps to the dormitories, Finn's singing along, only slightly off key.
"Thank merlin," Kurt sighs, throwing the howler at Finn's head as soon as he steps through the door. "I've been looking for you everyw--"
"Finn Hudson!" the howler cries in Carole's voice. "Did you really think you could get away with sending our family owl off with an order form for Veela Virgins? I won't put up with you using our owl to order porn and you had best believe that not only did I rip that order to shreds, but Burt and I had quite the time going through your room at home and throwing away every single filthy magazine you've somehow managed to get your hands on. We've also set up an appointment for you with a wizarding therapist, because some of that stuff was just worrying, Finn. That is not what broomsticks are for.
"Oh, but tell Kurt I say hi when you see him, and tell him his father and I miss him very much and are very proud of his mid-term grades!" the howler finishes in a much kinder voice before it tears itself to shreds.
There's a moment of uncomfortable silence where Rachel and Kurt just stare at Finn, mouths open. Kurt's never seen Finn look more embarrassed, not even that time when Lauren Zizes pantsed him after a rumor that Finn was half giant had gone around.
(She'd been disappointed in the results.)
Rachel looks helplessly at Kurt, like he has some kind of answer for Finn's weird porn habits. When Kurt just gives her a shrug, she stands up and turns to Finn like she wants to say something before turning immediately back around and leaving the room. She trails her hand across Kurt's chest on the way out, but he doesn't really have time to focus on that because Finn groans loudly and drops his head into his hands.
"Man, do you have any idea how many strings Puck had to pull to get that order form?" he complains.
"I weep for you, really," Kurt says, rolling his eyes, and he's just about to leave before Finn shares any more unfortunate information about his porn habits, but then Finn looks up at him and his eyes go wide.
"What?" Kurt asks, lifting a hand to check his hair automatically. "What are you looking at?"
"Uh, Kurt, did you... hair?" Finn says, trailing off.
"Hair?" Kurt repeats. "What's wrong with my hair?"
"No, just, your hair. Good. Looks. Looks good, your hair does, wow. I'm just gonna--" Finn starts to walk forward, face flushed and eyes still wide. When he's close enough he brushes Kurt's hair behind his ear with his hand and then cups Kurt's face, and Kurt's so confused he doesn't realize what Finn's doing until Finn starts to lean down.
"What are you doing?" Kurt yelps, pushing Finn back roughly.
"I was going to kiss you!" Finn says, looking sick and still a little dazed. "Why was I going to kiss you? Kurt, what is--"
"Santana," Kurt hisses.
"No, don't kiss Santana, kiss me, you-- you have to leave," Finn says, panicked, and Kurt doesn't waste any time in hurrying out of the room and racing down the stairs and out of the Gryffindor common room.
Finn is his brother now. While Kurt two years ago might have enjoyed the attention, Kurt right now is very unnerved that whatever is happening to him is just getting worse. It doesn't make any sense, which is how Kurt knows he has to find Santana and kill her.
Or ask her to fix him. Whatever.
-
"Hello my handsome-- whoa," Blaine says, stopping short when he gets a look at Kurt's face. "Who are you mad at, and if it's me I'm sorry."
"It's not you," Kurt says, grabbing Blaine's arm and tugging him along as he keeps marching toward the dungeons. "Just... don't look directly at me."
"Huh?" Blaine asks, stumbling along behind him before he rights himself and hurries to keep up with Kurt. "Why not? I like looking at you."
"Yeah, and apparently so does everyone else," Kurt groans. "Puck, Mercedes, Rachel, and Finn just tried to hit on me. Santana must have gotten her hands on one of my love potions again and slipped some to me. I knew she was pissed at me for telling her that her sweater was hideous, but really, it's her own fault for wearing a hideous sweater."
"I told you people were hitting on-- wait, Finn hit on you?" Blaine asks, sounding entirely too interested. "That's... he's your brother. And he's so very tall."
"Stop it," Kurt snaps. "It was horrifying."
"Kurt," Blaine sighs, grabbing his arm and spinning him around. "Look at me."
"No," Kurt says. "This is the worst day of my life."
"We'll find Santana and clear it all up," Blaine says, tilting Kurt's face up with a finger under his chin and then leaning up on his toes to kiss him on the forehead. "I can't go around beating everyone in the castle up for hitting on my boyfriend," he says, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist. "Even if I did tell you this was happening and you refused to believe me."
"Oh would you let it go, you're right one time and-- wait," Kurt says, finally looking at Blaine full on. "Don't you feel like attacking me with your mouth right now? Or at least making some kind of attempt at it?"
"Um," Blaine says, blushing. "Do you mean you want to go make out? Because I found this room full of nothing but old brooms and it doesn't look like anyone's been in there for years and with a dusting charm we could--"
"No, I mean, do you... feel a burning desire to try to have sex with me?" Kurt hisses quietly.
"Kind of," Blaine says, shuffling his feet. "But no more than I usually do."
"I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy," Kurt says, stepping closer to Blaine and pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I guess you want to come with me to kill Santana?"
"Talk to Santana," Blaine says slowly. "You mean you're going to talk to Santana."
"Right, of course, isn't that what I said?" Kurt kisses Blaine quickly on the mouth and pulls back, hooking his arm with Blaine's. "Now let's go before anyone else tries to molest me."
Blaine laughs shortly. "Just what did Finn try to do?"
Kurt sighs. "Just no stopping to talk to anyone, okay? Especially not your frog choir friends, I think some of them have crushes on me." It was adorable, the way Blaine's a capella choir friends were all in Hufflepuff and always so friendly and prone to popping up to say hi wherever Blaine went, but sometimes Kurt got the impression they were just a little too friendly.
"We sing with warblers now, so we're the warbler choir," Blaine says matter-of-factly. "And don't be alarmed, that's just how they are. Extremely loyal and friendly and good at back rubs."
Kurt really doesn't want to get into that argument now. "Walk faster, Hufflepuff."
"Yes sir."
-
"Santana!" Kurt yells, storming through the common room and getting several wide-eyed looks. "Get your skinny ass down here right now!" Even some of the fish swimming past the giant windows of the common room look alarmed.
"Screw you, Hummel!" Santana calls back, followed a few seconds later with a "Hi, Kurt!" from Brittany.
"Hold my wand," Kurt tells Blaine, handing it over, and he rolls up his sleeves and holds tight to the railing as he starts to climb. The stairs, predictably, turn into a stone slide, but Kurt ignores the stares from his housemates and keeps climbing until he gets to the sixth year girls' dormitory. He's panting by the time he opens the door to find Santana sitting on her bed behind Brittany, braiding her hair.
"Merlin, Kurt, what do you want? We're kind of busy here."
"Confess, you horrible witch, before--"
"Fine, whatever, I put rocks under your mattress."
"--I hex you so--" Kurt freezes. "Wait, what? You put what?"
"Rocks. Under your mattress. Just take them out, prank's over, you win." Santana's still not even looking up at him.
Kurt sputters. "That's not-- I'm talking about the love potion, Santana. The one that makes, you know." Kurt lowers his voice. "That keeps making everyone want me."
Santana's eyebrows furrow and she finally looks up at him. "Well first off, that sounds like an irresistible potion, and fuck if I have any idea how to make one of those. You're the potion genius, not me. And second, as much as I would love to take the blame for whatever you're pissed about, I didn't slip you any potions. Not recently, anyway."
"But it had to be you," Kurt says. "Why else would everyone be coming on to me?"
"Maybe there's just something about you today," Santana says in a voice much huskier than before, and Kurt realizes with a sinking feeling in his stomach that she hasn't stopped staring at him. "Something that makes people want to tie you down and have a little fun," Santana continues, getting up off the bed and stepping toward Kurt. "Hey, Brit, what do you say about having a little fun with Kurt, here?"
"Totally," Brittany says, smiling sweetly up at Kurt. "He's my ex but we'll always be close, won't we, Kurt?"
"Okay, I need to go," Kurt says, trying to squirm away when Santana starts running her finger down his chest. "Santana, you're gay, remember?"
"And so are you, but if we do this thing I'm sure it'll cancel out the gay and work out fine," Santana says with a wide grin.
"Just-- no," Kurt says, quickly ducking away from her and hurrying out of the room. Blaine's waiting for him at the bottom steps, holding Kurt's wand out to him when Kurt hops down.
"Did she tell you how to fix it? And... is your tie undone?" Blaine asks, something like a smirk playing at his lips.
Kurt groans, putting his wand away so he can fix his tie. "She claims she didn't do it, and Santana's usually pretty good about owning her pranks. She's not one for modesty."
"Which means..."
"Which means everyone is still coming on to me and I have no explanation for it," Kurt says, picking up the speed of his steps when a fourth year drops her books and starts toward him.
-
"Are you sure you should be going to class?" Blaine asks, trailing after Kurt on their way to Potions. "Especially this class?"
"Why not this class?" Kurt asks.
"No reason," Blaine sighs, taking Kurt's hand as they head into the Potions classroom. Kurt winces when every head turns to stare at him as he and Blaine walk to the front of the classroom and sit down beside Quinn.
"Listen," Kurt says, taking his seat, "you might want to try avoiding looking directly at me."
"I always do," Quinn says without looking up from her Potions book. She's scrawling vaguely pornographic illustrations of Rachel in the margins. Kurt wants to tell her that Rachel's breasts aren't quite that big, but he decides it's better to leave it alone.
"There's no need to be rude, Miss Fabray," Professor St. James says, sweeping into the classroom. Quinn laughs, and then looks over to Kurt and rolls her eyes.
"No, I said don't--" Kurt says, trying to hide his face with his hands.
"What is your damage?" Quinn asks.
"Wait," Kurt says, lowering his hands. "You don't want to... do anything untoward to me?" he whispers.
"I have enough baggage without going after gay guys," Quinn says, waving her hand.
"If you're quite done demonstrating your questionable taste, I'd like to begin the lesson," Professer St. James says, turning to face their table. Kurt feels Blaine stiffen beside him as Professor St. James stops and stares at Kurt with his mouth hanging open slightly.
"Mr. Hummel," he says. "Might I say that you look particularly fetching today."
"Oh no," Kurt groans, dropping his head to his hands. This was starting to get ridiculous.
"Dude, we all know Hummel's hot but you're kind of a teacher," Puck pipes up from the table behind them. "Aren't there rules against that?"
"Who cares about rules when they keep you from Kurt," Tina sighs dreamily from the other side of the room.
"Preach," Artie says. Kurt looks up just in time to see Artie licking his lips and he wonders how much trouble he'd get in for running out of the classroom right now.
"I have to say," Lauren says from beside Puck, "I wouldn't mind just bending him in half and--"
"Hey," Blaine yells, standing up. "We're not sure what's going on but could everyone just try to stop hitting on my boyfriend?"
"Emphasis on the boy," Professor St. James says, leaning down on his elbows and taking Kurt's hand. "What you need is a man, Kurt."
"You're like three years older than us," Blaine snaps. "You're not even a real professor here, you're just stepping in while Professor Corcoran is out."
"Oh, well this is just hilarious," Quinn says. "They always say boys develop slower than girls but this is just sad."
"What's sad? What's hilarious?" Kurt asks, trying to pull his hand away from Professor St. James. "What are you talking about?"
"You're obviously going through Veela puberty late in life," Quinn says. "Did your dad never give you the talk?"
"Like, the sex talk?" Blaine says quietly, flushing. "Because--"
"Shut up, Blaine," Kurt says. "What talk?"
"You know, the whole, 'You're part Veela, don't use your powers for evil, don't sleep around just because you can' thing," Quinn says. "Veela puberty is just when your powers kick in."
"Wait," Puck says from behind them. "Puberty? Is Hummel going to start his period?"
"Shut up, Puck," Kurt and Quinn snap at the same time.
"Be quiet," Professor St. James shouts. "All of you. I need everyone but Kurt to please calmly exit the classroom. I plan to ravage him on my desk and while I do enjoy putting on a good show, I'm afraid I'll need complete privacy."
"No one is ravaging anyone," Blaine growls, reaching for his wand.
"Oh please," Puck says. "It was just a matter of time, everyone knows Professor St. James is totally hot for Kurt."
"What?" Kurt asks, blinking.
"It's true," Blaine sighs. "Everyone does know that."
"He's right, I'm not very subtle," Professor St. James says, grinning at Kurt and stepping forward to run his finger under Kurt's collar.
"Okay," Quinn says, standing up and grabbing Kurt's arm. "Come with me, I'll take you to Professor Pillsbury. She's technically the guidance counselor. She's constantly slipping pamphlets under everyone's doors in Ravenclaw house."
"Anything that will get me out of here," Kurt says, grabbing Blaine's wrist when Blaine reaches for his wand again as Professor St. James starts to tug on Kurt's tie. "Come on, Blaine," Kurt says, patting him on the shoulder.
-
"Professor?" Kurt calls, knocking tentatively at Professor Pillsbury's office door.
"Hello Kurt, please sit down," Professor Pillsbury says from around a rather large box on top of her desk. "Quinn's told me about your, um, condition, and I want you to know that--"
"So she's right?" Kurt asks tightly. "I'm part Veela?"
"Well yes, Kurt, and you should know you have nothing to be ashamed of, not a thing. This is a fairly common occurrence for wizards and witches with Veela blood coming of age."
"I'm guessing that's what the box is about?" Kurt sighs.
Professor Pillsbury clears her throat, sounding distinctly flustered when she starts talking again. "What I don't understand is how you didn't know about this. I know that your mother passed when you were young, but surely your father should have warned you."
"My dad's a muggle," Kurt says. "I'm guessing that if mom told him he just didn't understand the implications."
"Oh, I see," Professor Pillsbury says. "Well, things are going to be a little weird for a while, Kurt, getting used to your, well, your new powers. This box is here because we can't take any risks, you know, I wouldn't want to--" Professor Pillsbury cuts herself off, clearing her throat again. "Well, anyway, here are some pamphlets." She hands them to Kurt around the box, and he glances down, rolling his eyes at the handful of pamphlets that say things like "Understanding Your Powers: When does sexual persuasion turn into sexual harassment?" and "V is for Veela, and also Venereal Disease! How to stay safe when you can have anyone you want!" Kurt raises his eyebrows.
"The good news is that this situation should only last about a week, and since your mom was only half Veela you won't have to worry about boys and girls following you around like lovesick puppies all the time. Your powers won't be that strong when they settle. At most you'll just be a lot more attractive than your peers, so congratulations, I guess!"
"How-- how do you know she was half?" Kurt asks, unable to help himself. He knows so little about his mom, especially since she died before he got his Hogwarts letter, before he had a chance to ask her questions about the magical world.
"Oh, well, full-blooded Veela very rarely marry," Professor Pillsbury says. "It's much more likely that she'd have just fornicated with your dad and then possibly killed him, depending on how he... um, performed."
"Wow, okay," Kurt says. "I could have done without knowing that."
"Right, sorry," she says. "But, yes. If she was only a quarter Veela it would mean you were only an eighth and your powers wouldn't be manifesting quite as... intensely. Male Veela are actually quite rare, you know! You're very special, Kurt."
"Thanks?" Kurt asks, opening a pamphlet entitled "You've got the magic in you!" that mostly seems to be about the history of Veelas and includes some very distasteful drawings. "Can I go now?"
"That would probably be for the best," Professor Pillsbury says. "I'm pretty sure Madam Bieste got this box from the trash, and I very much want it off of my desk now."
"Right," Kurt says, pushing his chair back and heading for the door. "Thanks, Professor Pillsbury."
-
"So?" Blaine asks as Kurt shuts the door to Professor Pillsbury's office.
"Quinn was right, I'm a Veela. Well, part Veela. Everyone wants to do me right now but that will stop in a week, and did I mention that I hate my life?" Kurt sighs.
"I'll still want to do you after a week," Blaine says cheerfully, wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist, and Kurt rolls his eyes but still smiles indulgently at Blaine, at least until a sickening thought occurs to him.
"Wait, what if you just want me because I'm a Veela?"
Blaine frowns. "But I liked you way before I knew you were a Veela."
"Right, but what if it was like some Veela side effect anyway and you wouldn't even like me if we weren't both gay and I weren't a Veela and--"
"Stop it," Blaine says quietly, his voice suddenly serious in a way it rarely gets. "Kurt, I've had a crush on you since fourth year when we had Muggle Studies together."
"Oh," Kurt says softly, thinking back to that class. "Your hair was so different then."
"I know," Blaine says, rolling his eyes. "You taught me how to eat a taco when Professor Holiday took us out, remember?"
"I will never forget the face you made when you squirted hot sauce in your mouth," Kurt says, grinning.
"The point is, I've been a little bit in love with you ever since you gave me your water and rubbed my back while I coughed," Blaine says softly. "I was in love with your freckles and your Slytherin bowties and the way your eyes got a little squinty when you were particularly disdainful. None of that comes from Veela powers."
"I hate my stupid freckles," Kurt says, laughing thickly and blinking back the tears that are threatening to fall.
"I know," Blaine says, stepping closer and rubbing his knuckles over the curve of Kurt's cheeks where the last of his freckles are fading away. "Isn't that kind of the point?"
"What do you mean?" Kurt asks, leaning into the touch. "The point of what?"
"Of being in love," Blaine says, flushing a little. "Loving all the parts of someone that they hate."
"Oh, Blaine Hufflepuff," Kurt says, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Sometimes you say the sweetest things."
"About that," Blaine says, leaning up to brush his lips across Kurt's again, and then again after that. "Can we please go make out now? Because I'm not completely immune to your Veela puberty and I just want to kiss you, like, everywhere, sweet Merlin."
"Oh Blaine," Kurt laughs, burying his face in Blaine's shoulder when he can't seem to stop.
"Is that a yes?" Blaine asks, nosing at the short hair over Kurt's ear and running his hand up Kurt's back under his robes. "Because Kurt, the way you smell. I mean, it drives me crazy usually but it's driving me actually crazy right now and if I don't get to touch you soon I'm going to die, I swear it."
"Well we can't have that," Kurt says, stepping back and grabbing onto Blaine's tie, tugging him forward and watching Blaine's throat bob, his eyes going dark. "Let's go see if the Astronomy Tower is free."
"You're the best quarter-Veela boyfriend ever, just so you know," Blaine says breathlessly, stumbling after Kurt as he turns and heads for the Tower.