Kurt Hummel and the Unfortunate Eyebrow Situation, Kurt/Blaine (HP!AU 3/7), PG
Title: Kurt Hummel and the Unfortunate Eyebrow Situation
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 1,200+
Summary: "Why did you even make a magic eyebrow growing potion in the first place? I refuse to believe there's a market for that."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 3 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here. (Dear Blaine/Darren: We're really sorry for using your eyebrows as a humorous plot device so often. We promise it comes from a place of love! Love and hilarity.)
"I told you," Kurt sighs. "I told you like thirty times, at least."
"I know you did," Blaine says miserably. "But then Santana told me you just didn't want me to try it because it would bring out my eyes and you didn't want the competition."
"I've also told you that Santana lies. It was the first thing I told you about Santana, actually," Kurt says. "And I tell you all the time how much I love your eyes, Blaine, so I don't know why you still refuse to believe me about that. I have no pity for you."
"Kurt," Blaine whines. "My eyebrows are shaped like kittens right now. It took me an hour to get out of the common room because Brittany kept petting them and FluffyPrinceMarshmallow kept trying to chase them. They meow, Kurt. My eyebrows meow if you pet them and they hiss at three-headed puppies and it's all your fault."
"You're so right," Kurt says, trying not to laugh as one of Blaine's kitten-brows tries to bat at an unruly curl. "I held your jaw open and poured it down your throat. All of it. Why did you drink all of it, Blaine?"
"It tasted like cupcakes," Blaine says defensively, crossing his arms and sinking down lower in his chair. "It was hard to stop. Why did you even make a magic eyebrow growing potion in the first place? I refuse to believe there's a market for that."
"There might be, actually, given how many first and second years end up with singed brows from Potions and Charms, but for your information, I didn't," Kurt says, giving in and squeezing in beside Blaine in the leather armchair he's currently moping in. "I made an enhancement potion. It's supposed to enhance whatever you think is your best feature. There's a huge market for it with girls and boys."
"But I don't think my eyebrows are my best feature," Blaine says. "I'm actually kind of self-conscious about them."
Kurt drops his arm around Blaine's shoulders, snuggling in close to him. "That's why I kept telling you the potion wasn't done. It's been enhancing the things that people are most insecure about. How you did not notice that Finn was actually eight feet tall last week?"
"I don't know, everyone looks tall to me," Blaine says dismissively. Kurt buries his grin in Blaine's shoulder, and then leans in and kisses at his neck for good measure. "Is that why Jacob's hair was bigger than usual?"
"No, I think Rachel hexed him," Kurt says, idly twisting his fingers into Blaine's curls. "She caught him going through her trunk again."
"Who'd he Polyjuice himself into this time?"
"Santana. It was hilarious. He forgot to take his glasses off, and he's hopeless at potions so he started transforming back right before Rachel found him. It was actually pretty horrifying, come to think of it."
"I'd weep for your trauma, but I'm afraid my eyebrows would turn into teardrops," Blaine says dryly.
"Aww, come on," Kurt says, brushing Blaine's hair back from his forehead and laughing when one of the kitten-brows bats at his fingers. "They're kind of cute."
"How long is this going to last? They started out as just vague rhombus shapes and then they looked like starfish for a while and now they're kittens. Kittens."
"It should wear off in a week or so," Kurt assures him, wiggling even closer and throwing his legs over Blaine's lap, smiling when Blaine doesn't protest. "It could be worse."
"How? How could it be worse?" Blaine asks, rubbing his nose against Kurt's jaw.
"Oh come on, don't you remember that time Finn hexed Puck and his mohawk was shaped like a dick for three weeks?"
"Oh god, don't. Don't even," Blaine says pitifully. "They'll hear you, and they'll go from kittens to penises and then my life will be over."
"That's not overly dramatic at all," Kurt says, kissing his way down the line of Blaine's jaw and to his lips. Blaine's pretty easy to distract with kisses, and he doesn't disappoint this time, immediately wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and pushing up into the kiss.
"Gross, get a room," Santana shouts from across the common room.
"Why don't you go sneak off to the Quidditch locker rooms with Brittany again," Kurt yells back.
"Or you could both shut up and I can finish my Charms work," Rachel snaps. "Some of us have more important things to do than make out with our kitty-browed boyfriends."
"I want to die," Blaine whines, dropping his head to Kurt's shoulder. "There's no way this could get any worse."
"Hey," Kurt says, nudging his chin up. "I'm sure the kittens will go away soon enough and-- oh no."
"Oh no?" Blaine yelps. "What oh no. Why oh no. Kurt. Kurt, what have you done?"
"I didn't do anything," Kurt says. "You drank the potion. That means it's not my fault that your eyebrows have turned into tiny cupids."
"You're kidding," Blaine says. "You have to be kidding."
"Awww, look, they're shooting little hair-arrows at each other!" Kurt says, unable to help it. They're really cute and have surprisingly good aim.
"Rachel," Blaine says weakly. "Please tell me you still know that charm that makes your hair grow really fast. It's either that or I wear a really low headband."
"Never," Kurt says. "If it comes to it, we can get you some very big sunglasses or a tastefully tilted hat, but you are not wearing a headband."
"What's wrong with headbands?" Rachel asks.
"Everything," Santana says immediately. "Everything is wrong with headbands."
"I want to die," Blaine says again. "Maybe I should try to shave them off. All this movement from them is starting to tickle, anyway."
"Don't you dare," Kurt says seriously, kissing Blaine's forehead while carefully avoiding any tiny hair-arrows. "Now come on, how about we go somewhere else, like up to the Astronomy Tower? I bet I could make you feel better," Kurt says in a low voice, his hand dropping down from Blaine's shoulder to cup his hip.
"Or you could make my eyebrows turn into hearts," Blaine says bitterly.
"Or little penises!" Santana butts in excitedly, clapping a little. "Kurt, try to make them turn into little penises!"
"That's it," Blaine grumps. "I'm leaving before my eyebrows turn into tiny knives because of how I want to stab everyone."
"That's not very polite, Blaine," Rachel says. "I think hanging around all us Slytherins is rubbing off on you."
"Well, we know for a fact at least one Slytherin is rubbing off on him," Santana says with a leer.
"I think I'll leave too," Kurt says, getting up off of Blaine's lap and straightening out his tie. "Come on, Blaine, we can sneak into the kitchens and see if the house elves left any of those pumpkin pastries you like."
"If his eyebrows turn into pumpkins," Santana calls after them when they start to walk away, "you'd better bring him back so I can see!"
"You don't think they'll actually do that, right?" Blaine whispers as they head toward the portrait.
"Of course not, honey," Kurt says, squeezing Blaine's hand and hoping that he doesn't catch the lie.
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine (background Brittany/Santana)
Word Count: 1,200+
Summary: "Why did you even make a magic eyebrow growing potion in the first place? I refuse to believe there's a market for that."
Spoilers: none
Warnings: none
Author Notes: This is fic 3 of 7 of our HP!AU. Previous parts can be found here. (Dear Blaine/Darren: We're really sorry for using your eyebrows as a humorous plot device so often. We promise it comes from a place of love! Love and hilarity.)
"I told you," Kurt sighs. "I told you like thirty times, at least."
"I know you did," Blaine says miserably. "But then Santana told me you just didn't want me to try it because it would bring out my eyes and you didn't want the competition."
"I've also told you that Santana lies. It was the first thing I told you about Santana, actually," Kurt says. "And I tell you all the time how much I love your eyes, Blaine, so I don't know why you still refuse to believe me about that. I have no pity for you."
"Kurt," Blaine whines. "My eyebrows are shaped like kittens right now. It took me an hour to get out of the common room because Brittany kept petting them and FluffyPrinceMarshmallow kept trying to chase them. They meow, Kurt. My eyebrows meow if you pet them and they hiss at three-headed puppies and it's all your fault."
"You're so right," Kurt says, trying not to laugh as one of Blaine's kitten-brows tries to bat at an unruly curl. "I held your jaw open and poured it down your throat. All of it. Why did you drink all of it, Blaine?"
"It tasted like cupcakes," Blaine says defensively, crossing his arms and sinking down lower in his chair. "It was hard to stop. Why did you even make a magic eyebrow growing potion in the first place? I refuse to believe there's a market for that."
"There might be, actually, given how many first and second years end up with singed brows from Potions and Charms, but for your information, I didn't," Kurt says, giving in and squeezing in beside Blaine in the leather armchair he's currently moping in. "I made an enhancement potion. It's supposed to enhance whatever you think is your best feature. There's a huge market for it with girls and boys."
"But I don't think my eyebrows are my best feature," Blaine says. "I'm actually kind of self-conscious about them."
Kurt drops his arm around Blaine's shoulders, snuggling in close to him. "That's why I kept telling you the potion wasn't done. It's been enhancing the things that people are most insecure about. How you did not notice that Finn was actually eight feet tall last week?"
"I don't know, everyone looks tall to me," Blaine says dismissively. Kurt buries his grin in Blaine's shoulder, and then leans in and kisses at his neck for good measure. "Is that why Jacob's hair was bigger than usual?"
"No, I think Rachel hexed him," Kurt says, idly twisting his fingers into Blaine's curls. "She caught him going through her trunk again."
"Who'd he Polyjuice himself into this time?"
"Santana. It was hilarious. He forgot to take his glasses off, and he's hopeless at potions so he started transforming back right before Rachel found him. It was actually pretty horrifying, come to think of it."
"I'd weep for your trauma, but I'm afraid my eyebrows would turn into teardrops," Blaine says dryly.
"Aww, come on," Kurt says, brushing Blaine's hair back from his forehead and laughing when one of the kitten-brows bats at his fingers. "They're kind of cute."
"How long is this going to last? They started out as just vague rhombus shapes and then they looked like starfish for a while and now they're kittens. Kittens."
"It should wear off in a week or so," Kurt assures him, wiggling even closer and throwing his legs over Blaine's lap, smiling when Blaine doesn't protest. "It could be worse."
"How? How could it be worse?" Blaine asks, rubbing his nose against Kurt's jaw.
"Oh come on, don't you remember that time Finn hexed Puck and his mohawk was shaped like a dick for three weeks?"
"Oh god, don't. Don't even," Blaine says pitifully. "They'll hear you, and they'll go from kittens to penises and then my life will be over."
"That's not overly dramatic at all," Kurt says, kissing his way down the line of Blaine's jaw and to his lips. Blaine's pretty easy to distract with kisses, and he doesn't disappoint this time, immediately wrapping his arms around Kurt's waist and pushing up into the kiss.
"Gross, get a room," Santana shouts from across the common room.
"Why don't you go sneak off to the Quidditch locker rooms with Brittany again," Kurt yells back.
"Or you could both shut up and I can finish my Charms work," Rachel snaps. "Some of us have more important things to do than make out with our kitty-browed boyfriends."
"I want to die," Blaine whines, dropping his head to Kurt's shoulder. "There's no way this could get any worse."
"Hey," Kurt says, nudging his chin up. "I'm sure the kittens will go away soon enough and-- oh no."
"Oh no?" Blaine yelps. "What oh no. Why oh no. Kurt. Kurt, what have you done?"
"I didn't do anything," Kurt says. "You drank the potion. That means it's not my fault that your eyebrows have turned into tiny cupids."
"You're kidding," Blaine says. "You have to be kidding."
"Awww, look, they're shooting little hair-arrows at each other!" Kurt says, unable to help it. They're really cute and have surprisingly good aim.
"Rachel," Blaine says weakly. "Please tell me you still know that charm that makes your hair grow really fast. It's either that or I wear a really low headband."
"Never," Kurt says. "If it comes to it, we can get you some very big sunglasses or a tastefully tilted hat, but you are not wearing a headband."
"What's wrong with headbands?" Rachel asks.
"Everything," Santana says immediately. "Everything is wrong with headbands."
"I want to die," Blaine says again. "Maybe I should try to shave them off. All this movement from them is starting to tickle, anyway."
"Don't you dare," Kurt says seriously, kissing Blaine's forehead while carefully avoiding any tiny hair-arrows. "Now come on, how about we go somewhere else, like up to the Astronomy Tower? I bet I could make you feel better," Kurt says in a low voice, his hand dropping down from Blaine's shoulder to cup his hip.
"Or you could make my eyebrows turn into hearts," Blaine says bitterly.
"Or little penises!" Santana butts in excitedly, clapping a little. "Kurt, try to make them turn into little penises!"
"That's it," Blaine grumps. "I'm leaving before my eyebrows turn into tiny knives because of how I want to stab everyone."
"That's not very polite, Blaine," Rachel says. "I think hanging around all us Slytherins is rubbing off on you."
"Well, we know for a fact at least one Slytherin is rubbing off on him," Santana says with a leer.
"I think I'll leave too," Kurt says, getting up off of Blaine's lap and straightening out his tie. "Come on, Blaine, we can sneak into the kitchens and see if the house elves left any of those pumpkin pastries you like."
"If his eyebrows turn into pumpkins," Santana calls after them when they start to walk away, "you'd better bring him back so I can see!"
"You don't think they'll actually do that, right?" Blaine whispers as they head toward the portrait.
"Of course not, honey," Kurt says, squeezing Blaine's hand and hoping that he doesn't catch the lie.