Cooking? Cooking!
tchubbicheeks requested a smut one-shot without using any overused or conventional euphemisms/phrases/typical sex words. She also wanted it to be funny.
My first reaction: How the fuck am I going to write sex without using any sex words? I'm going to end up using euphemisms involving something stupid like kitchen utensils. So I did.
Jonghyun was horny. Jonghyun was horny because he had been watching girls in short skirts jiggling and shaking and bumping all day. And Key was hot. Key was hot because he tried to jiggle and shake and bump and was the closest Jonghyun had to the real thing. So Jonghyun cornered Key in the kitchen after the recording with the intention of doing some jiggling, shaking, and bumping of his own.
Key looked up, saw that he and Jonghyun were alone and tried to make a break for it. Because last time he had been alone with Jonghyun he had been left with some really bizarre marks that looked like the other boy had been trying to write his name on Key’s back with his teeth. A hand caught the back of his shirt before could reach the door (freedom why must you be out of my reach?) and he found himself pinned against the fridge.
“Hey Kibum, you’re looking kind of good tonight.” (Hey Jonghyun, you’re looking kind of crazy tonight.) Jonghyun pressed his face against Key’s neck and breathed in real deep, while the other boy (the victim) searched desperately for a blunt object. “C’mon Key, it’s good for you. It’ll teach you how to use your hips better.”
How inserting rods in unnatural places was supposed to help his hips he didn’t know (and he didn’t want to find out). But (shit) there went his pants and (shit) there went his boxers and there was definitely a reason why he wore tight pants. (It had something to do with keeping himself from being raped by freaking dinosaurs.)
Jonghyun was reaching for his muffin tin and Key really wished he could have that thing plugged up because oh my god Jonghyun was greasing his ladle with some margarine he found in the fridge. Key yelped as the other boy tried to invade his (very very) personal space, but everyone else had gone to the convenience store and he was trapped.
It hurt, it hurt a lot and it kind of felt like he was being pressed against a waffle iron while being kneed repeatedly in the stomach. But then Jonghyun grabbed onto his egg beater and started to work it real good so Key figured that he might as well let Jonghyun finish up. They were already halfway through anyways, and Jonghyun really knew his way around the kitchen.
Jonghyun, on the other hand, was in heaven. It was like that feeling you get when you put something in the blender then have to hold on for dear life as it rumbles underneath your palms. Key was that blender, a really sexy, really expensive blender.
Jonghyun couldn’t stop, had no plans of stopping, and he just kept corkscrewing Key against the fridge, mouth open and tongue lolling about. His head was a food processor, filled with tangled nonsense like “that’s good” and “almost there” and “shit this is (almost) better than pie.”
When he finally popped his cork he was bathed in sweat and Key was about ready to pass out. Jonghyun tucked his spatula back into his pants and ruffled Key’s hair, happy the younger boy had stopped resisting after the tenth time. “Thanks buddy, let’s do this again sometime.”
[AND THEN IT ENDS]
My first reaction: How the fuck am I going to write sex without using any sex words? I'm going to end up using euphemisms involving something stupid like kitchen utensils. So I did.
Jonghyun was horny. Jonghyun was horny because he had been watching girls in short skirts jiggling and shaking and bumping all day. And Key was hot. Key was hot because he tried to jiggle and shake and bump and was the closest Jonghyun had to the real thing. So Jonghyun cornered Key in the kitchen after the recording with the intention of doing some jiggling, shaking, and bumping of his own.
Key looked up, saw that he and Jonghyun were alone and tried to make a break for it. Because last time he had been alone with Jonghyun he had been left with some really bizarre marks that looked like the other boy had been trying to write his name on Key’s back with his teeth. A hand caught the back of his shirt before could reach the door (freedom why must you be out of my reach?) and he found himself pinned against the fridge.
“Hey Kibum, you’re looking kind of good tonight.” (Hey Jonghyun, you’re looking kind of crazy tonight.) Jonghyun pressed his face against Key’s neck and breathed in real deep, while the other boy (the victim) searched desperately for a blunt object. “C’mon Key, it’s good for you. It’ll teach you how to use your hips better.”
How inserting rods in unnatural places was supposed to help his hips he didn’t know (and he didn’t want to find out). But (shit) there went his pants and (shit) there went his boxers and there was definitely a reason why he wore tight pants. (It had something to do with keeping himself from being raped by freaking dinosaurs.)
Jonghyun was reaching for his muffin tin and Key really wished he could have that thing plugged up because oh my god Jonghyun was greasing his ladle with some margarine he found in the fridge. Key yelped as the other boy tried to invade his (very very) personal space, but everyone else had gone to the convenience store and he was trapped.
It hurt, it hurt a lot and it kind of felt like he was being pressed against a waffle iron while being kneed repeatedly in the stomach. But then Jonghyun grabbed onto his egg beater and started to work it real good so Key figured that he might as well let Jonghyun finish up. They were already halfway through anyways, and Jonghyun really knew his way around the kitchen.
Jonghyun, on the other hand, was in heaven. It was like that feeling you get when you put something in the blender then have to hold on for dear life as it rumbles underneath your palms. Key was that blender, a really sexy, really expensive blender.
Jonghyun couldn’t stop, had no plans of stopping, and he just kept corkscrewing Key against the fridge, mouth open and tongue lolling about. His head was a food processor, filled with tangled nonsense like “that’s good” and “almost there” and “shit this is (almost) better than pie.”
When he finally popped his cork he was bathed in sweat and Key was about ready to pass out. Jonghyun tucked his spatula back into his pants and ruffled Key’s hair, happy the younger boy had stopped resisting after the tenth time. “Thanks buddy, let’s do this again sometime.”
[AND THEN IT ENDS]