Mission Simpossible - Part 2
The second part of the cowrite from peasant007, leilia, rosefyre, and this one, mostly docnerd
"Okay, Archie. We got word that there's a party at the Whedon Hotel Belladonna Cove, and one of the Apocaborg will be there. I need you to get intel from the SimSelf." Zane checked the dossier. "It says here her code name is Agent Snaps-a-lot." He wrinkled his nose. "Does that seem weird to you?"
Archie shrugged. "Nope."
Zane opened the closet and pulled out a tux. "It's a formal party. You'll need to wear this."
"Fuck no," Archie said promptly. "Didn't you get the memo? I don't do shirts."
"Shirts are itchy," Yakko agreed.
"It's formal. Tuxes are required."
Archie glowered at him. "I'm allergic to sleeves. It's a tragedy."
Behind Archie, Lilah rolled her eyes. Men. She put her hand on Archie's shoulder. "I think tuxes are sexy. It's very James Bond. And who doesn't love James Bond?"
Archie took the suit from Zane. "Fine. But I am doing this under duress."
Zane turned to Yakko. "Lilah will be going in as herself, but I need you to infiltrate as a waiter and keep an eye on Archie and Lilah."
"Can I pretend to be Michael Caine?" Yakko asked.
Zane found the wording he wanted. "You can pretend to be Michael Caine, but you can't actually look like Michael Caine, because that would be confusing."
"And Archie can be Batman!" Yakko cheered.
"Fuck yeah I'm Batman," Archie said.
Zane reached into his pocket. "These go in your ears, so you can hear me from the command post. I'll be upstairs in Room 519."
Archie gave the earpiece a suspicious look. "I don't need advice from you about how to get info from a SimSelf."
"If something goes wrong, I need to be able to talk you out of the hotel," Zane said. "Also, there is a microphone built into your cufflinks, so if you need to talk to me, Yakko, or Lilah, just say our name and start talking."
"I don't need it," Archie insisted. "I'm Archie. I'm the Little Bastard! There's nothing I can get into that I can't get out of."
Zane cocked his head and raised an eyebrow.
Archie had the decency to look embarrassed. "Okay, except for that one time."
Zane, Lilah, and Yakko left for their assignments at the hotel. Archie changed into the loathsome tuxedo and hung around for a while. There was something to be said for Fashionably Late. As he waited, he checked out the dossier on Agent Snaps-A-Lot. She was hot. SimSelves were hot.
After a reasonable amount of time, he headed down to the waiting car and sat back and let the driver take him to the Whedon Belladonna Cove.
Archie walked in like he owned the place. He was Oddly Hot and he knew it, and he was the Little Bastard and he knew it, and he was Archie Fucking Vetinari and he sure as hell knew that. He got appreciative looks from the women, which he was used to, and glares from their male companions, which he was also used to, and he saw Lilah whooping it up at the bar, and the waiter holding a conversation with a potted plant was surely Yakko.
"Are you in, Archie?" Zane asked in his ear.
Archie grabbed a glass of champagne from the tray of a non-Yakko waiter and lifted the flute to his lips, using it as a cover to get his cufflink close to his mouth. "Zane, shut up. I know what I'm doing."
Across the room, Lilah's posse hit the dance floor, exposing Agent Snaps-A-Lot to Archie.
He snagged another glass of champagne and swaggered through the crowd. He stepped up to the bar next to Agent Snaps-A-Lot and held out a glass of champagne. "Hey."
"You're... Archie," she said.
He grinned. "I see my reputation precedes me." He leaned in. "I've got something else that frequently precedes me too."
"Archie! What are you doing? Abort! Abort!" Zane's voice in his ear was panicked, which made Archie's grin even more broad.
With a flash of bedroom eyes beneath his heavy brow, Archie tossed back his champagne. "So... You, me, the best night of your life?" He ran his fingertips over the back of her hand. "Guaran-damn-teed."
Agent Snaps-A-Lot drained her glass. "I can't believe I'm going to bed with Archie Vetinari!"
"Your night just got a whole lot better. Believe that." Archie leaned in and kissed her, just a taste of what was coming, and when he pulled away, she grabbed his wrist and practically dragged him to the elevators. Yakko-waiter gave him a thumbs-up as he rushed past.
At some point, Zane stopped talking in Archie's ear, which he was grateful for. It was a little awkward getting it on with a sexy lady with some dude screaming at him to stop. Really, unless he was offering pointers, it was almost inappropriate.
Thus uninterrupted, Archie did what Archie did best (or second-best, depending on whether he was kicking someone's ass at the time), and eventually used the super-secret power he was pretty sure wasn't in his file: he slipped his arm out from under Agent Snaps-A-Lot without waking her up.
Picking her purse and his shirt up from the floor, Archie headed to the bathroom. He opened up her phone, which she hadn't even bothered to password-protect. He snorted. Amateur. Scrolling through her calendar, he saw multiple appointments taking place at Club 8x8. When he pawed through the rest of her purse, he found the usual assortment of Lady Things, and a keycard for Club 8x8. Why would a nightclub need a keycard? VIP access maybe. And Archie wanted VIP access for an Apocaborg club.
He lifted the cufflink to his mouth. "Zane, you there?" He got no answer. Clearly Zane had disconnected from the microphone too, what with the groaning and the squelching and the assertions that Archie was, in fact, a deity of some sort, which he generally did not bother to deny.
"Yakko, how 'bout you?"
"Whattaya need, Archie?"
"I need to copy a keycard. Bring up a bottle of champagne and the electronic card cloner thingy. And don't knock at the door; I'll be waiting. It's Room 315."
"Okeydoke!"
Archie threw on some pants and glued himself to the peephole. He cracked the door when Yakko showed up and slipped the card through. Yakko swiped the card, then ran the blank through and gave the original back to Archie, who took the card and the bottle.
"Tell Zane Club 8x8. And don't wait up."
Walking back across the room, Archie slid out of his pants and yanked out the cork with his teeth.
The things he did for his multiverse.
"Okay, Archie. We got word that there's a party at the Whedon Hotel Belladonna Cove, and one of the Apocaborg will be there. I need you to get intel from the SimSelf." Zane checked the dossier. "It says here her code name is Agent Snaps-a-lot." He wrinkled his nose. "Does that seem weird to you?"
Archie shrugged. "Nope."
Zane opened the closet and pulled out a tux. "It's a formal party. You'll need to wear this."
"Fuck no," Archie said promptly. "Didn't you get the memo? I don't do shirts."
"Shirts are itchy," Yakko agreed.
"It's formal. Tuxes are required."
Archie glowered at him. "I'm allergic to sleeves. It's a tragedy."
Behind Archie, Lilah rolled her eyes. Men. She put her hand on Archie's shoulder. "I think tuxes are sexy. It's very James Bond. And who doesn't love James Bond?"
Archie took the suit from Zane. "Fine. But I am doing this under duress."
Zane turned to Yakko. "Lilah will be going in as herself, but I need you to infiltrate as a waiter and keep an eye on Archie and Lilah."
"Can I pretend to be Michael Caine?" Yakko asked.
Zane found the wording he wanted. "You can pretend to be Michael Caine, but you can't actually look like Michael Caine, because that would be confusing."
"And Archie can be Batman!" Yakko cheered.
"Fuck yeah I'm Batman," Archie said.
Zane reached into his pocket. "These go in your ears, so you can hear me from the command post. I'll be upstairs in Room 519."
Archie gave the earpiece a suspicious look. "I don't need advice from you about how to get info from a SimSelf."
"If something goes wrong, I need to be able to talk you out of the hotel," Zane said. "Also, there is a microphone built into your cufflinks, so if you need to talk to me, Yakko, or Lilah, just say our name and start talking."
"I don't need it," Archie insisted. "I'm Archie. I'm the Little Bastard! There's nothing I can get into that I can't get out of."
Zane cocked his head and raised an eyebrow.
Archie had the decency to look embarrassed. "Okay, except for that one time."
Zane, Lilah, and Yakko left for their assignments at the hotel. Archie changed into the loathsome tuxedo and hung around for a while. There was something to be said for Fashionably Late. As he waited, he checked out the dossier on Agent Snaps-A-Lot. She was hot. SimSelves were hot.
After a reasonable amount of time, he headed down to the waiting car and sat back and let the driver take him to the Whedon Belladonna Cove.
Archie walked in like he owned the place. He was Oddly Hot and he knew it, and he was the Little Bastard and he knew it, and he was Archie Fucking Vetinari and he sure as hell knew that. He got appreciative looks from the women, which he was used to, and glares from their male companions, which he was also used to, and he saw Lilah whooping it up at the bar, and the waiter holding a conversation with a potted plant was surely Yakko.
"Are you in, Archie?" Zane asked in his ear.
Archie grabbed a glass of champagne from the tray of a non-Yakko waiter and lifted the flute to his lips, using it as a cover to get his cufflink close to his mouth. "Zane, shut up. I know what I'm doing."
Across the room, Lilah's posse hit the dance floor, exposing Agent Snaps-A-Lot to Archie.
He snagged another glass of champagne and swaggered through the crowd. He stepped up to the bar next to Agent Snaps-A-Lot and held out a glass of champagne. "Hey."
"You're... Archie," she said.
He grinned. "I see my reputation precedes me." He leaned in. "I've got something else that frequently precedes me too."
"Archie! What are you doing? Abort! Abort!" Zane's voice in his ear was panicked, which made Archie's grin even more broad.
With a flash of bedroom eyes beneath his heavy brow, Archie tossed back his champagne. "So... You, me, the best night of your life?" He ran his fingertips over the back of her hand. "Guaran-damn-teed."
Agent Snaps-A-Lot drained her glass. "I can't believe I'm going to bed with Archie Vetinari!"
"Your night just got a whole lot better. Believe that." Archie leaned in and kissed her, just a taste of what was coming, and when he pulled away, she grabbed his wrist and practically dragged him to the elevators. Yakko-waiter gave him a thumbs-up as he rushed past.
At some point, Zane stopped talking in Archie's ear, which he was grateful for. It was a little awkward getting it on with a sexy lady with some dude screaming at him to stop. Really, unless he was offering pointers, it was almost inappropriate.
Thus uninterrupted, Archie did what Archie did best (or second-best, depending on whether he was kicking someone's ass at the time), and eventually used the super-secret power he was pretty sure wasn't in his file: he slipped his arm out from under Agent Snaps-A-Lot without waking her up.
Picking her purse and his shirt up from the floor, Archie headed to the bathroom. He opened up her phone, which she hadn't even bothered to password-protect. He snorted. Amateur. Scrolling through her calendar, he saw multiple appointments taking place at Club 8x8. When he pawed through the rest of her purse, he found the usual assortment of Lady Things, and a keycard for Club 8x8. Why would a nightclub need a keycard? VIP access maybe. And Archie wanted VIP access for an Apocaborg club.
He lifted the cufflink to his mouth. "Zane, you there?" He got no answer. Clearly Zane had disconnected from the microphone too, what with the groaning and the squelching and the assertions that Archie was, in fact, a deity of some sort, which he generally did not bother to deny.
"Yakko, how 'bout you?"
"Whattaya need, Archie?"
"I need to copy a keycard. Bring up a bottle of champagne and the electronic card cloner thingy. And don't knock at the door; I'll be waiting. It's Room 315."
"Okeydoke!"
Archie threw on some pants and glued himself to the peephole. He cracked the door when Yakko showed up and slipped the card through. Yakko swiped the card, then ran the blank through and gave the original back to Archie, who took the card and the bottle.
"Tell Zane Club 8x8. And don't wait up."
Walking back across the room, Archie slid out of his pants and yanked out the cork with his teeth.
The things he did for his multiverse.