I Found You
NOTE: I have NOT seen “The Boy Who Would Be King”. I understand it’s very Cas-centric. I haven’t been able to download it yet, so I can’t view it, so please, no spoilers for it in the comments, and I’m well aware that this probably flies in the face of everything. *shrugs* It’s an AU anyway, since we all know Cas didn’t find God, and the amulet wound up getting thrown away. Set prior to “Dark Side Of the Moon”, but again, slightly AU, so you can pick where you want it. ^_^
Thanks a million to icelily for the double-beta on this one, and helping to make it way better than the original scrap I gave her. Any remaining errors and stuff are totally on me.
Bonus cookies if you can guess where the inspiration came from. *gryns* It ain’t hard, that’s for sure. And yes, it’s yet ANOTHER Castiel fic. >.< I suck, I know. Onward:
~~*^*~~
When the amulet Sam had given Dean, the amulet that Castiel had borrowed from Dean, lit up hot and burning in his pocket, Castiel flinched, surprised as he fumbled it out, the metal glowing red in the darkness. It took him a few moments to figure it out, the metal straining eagerly towards a filthy, homeless man leaning against a light pole, arms crossed against a thin chest as the cigarette in his mouth trailed white smoke lazily. He felt his eyes widening as he took a hesitant step closer, surprise fading to relief as the man glanced over his shoulder, eyes clear and glittering in acknowledgment. The man took the cigarette from his mouth, raising a brow. “Can I help you, man?”
There’s no way he had found God, standing in the middle of the city, dirty and alone and smoking on a cancer-stick. In his moments of weakness, when he allowed himself to fantasize that he found God, he never once had it planned this way. Still…
“Father.”
The man chuckled, pointing to Castiel with the rolled tobacco, smiling as he shook his head. “Good one. I’m kinda impressed.” He waited a beat before continuing. “Yes, Castiel. I’m the one you seek.”
The angel hesitated, the words and demands and questions bubbling up too quick, and he had to fight to slow them, to pick which was the best to ask of the Creator. ‘Thank you, God, now you can come and fix everything.’ ‘Do you have any idea what your Children are planning?’ ‘Why did you walk away?’ ‘Won’t you come home?’ ‘If you won’t, do you know where your Son is?’ ‘Do you know how many of your children have been killed by their siblings?’
God laughed a little, eyes crinkling as he shook his head. “Oh, Castiel.” The mirth seemed to fade away a little, and his gaze went distant as he took another drag off the cigarette, blowing the smoke skyward absently. The quiet reigned for several moments before God’s focus slid to the side, watching the angel. “You’re the only one who’s come looking for me, you know that? Even the FirstBorns, they didn’t.” He snorted, smoke trailing vapors from his nostrils. “They were the first to turn away, actually.”
“I don’t understand, Father.” Castiel was a soldier; he followed order, and was unfailingly loyal and obedient. But the need to understand this, to figure out why their Father had abandoned them, burned hot and low in his gut, an uncomfortable sensation that was dangerously close to falling.
“You won’t fall, Castiel.” God turned knowing eyes on him for a moment, tapping his temple wryly when Castiel appeared confused. “Just because I look human, doesn’t mean I am. I can see you, all of your Grace and all your glory.” His eyes slid back to the humans effortlessly dodging them, too focused on their own lives to see the Creator standing right here. “I can still hear your thoughts. I can hear the thoughts of all of these humans. I can hear all the angels.” He chuckled, mirthful again. “I can read every thought that every one of my creations has.”
Castiel bit back the urge again to question. The Creator smiled, dropping the cigarette and crushing it beneath his dilapidated boot. “Ask, Castiel. You know you want to.”
“Why?” Every single question that bounced around in his head, every burning desire, all had that leading word.
God laughed, hearty and bitter. “Why? Why did I choose green for the grass? Why the Aurora Borealis? Why did I give the platypus fur and the ability to lay eggs? Why did I give birds the same wings I gave you angels? Why what, Castiel? You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Why won’t you help? You see what’s going on. You see the devastation of your planet. You said you can hear your angels… surely you know what’s happening up there. The anarchy, the betrayals. Why did you leave us? We need your guidance, Father.” His heart ached, too heavy for his vessel.
God bowed his head, pinching and rubbing the narrow bridge of his nose. “Oh, Castiel. I gave the angels guidance. What was my last order?”
“Love the humans. Protect them. Cherish them.”
“Exactly.” Castiel was young still, especially compared to his older brethren, and couldn’t quite repress the frustrated flare of his wings. The humans never noticed, just flowed absently around the obstructions, but God frowned at him, rubbing his thumb along his fingers. “Castiel. Look around you. None of these humans have seen Me. Not one of them knows what my face looks like. Yet, they believe. They hold absolute faith in some variation of me. Your brethren…they have seen Me. Those first four, the ones that you all turned to for direction and guidance in my absence, they’ve heard my voice, touched me, know absolutely that I exist. And yet, they were the first to turn away, the first to disobey. Lucifer was loud and brash, but he at least was open with his disobedience. The others have slowly but surely turned away as well.”
“I don’t understand. You can still come back and fix everything. You know what Michael wants to do!”
“Yes, I do. And no, I won’t come back. I’ve made my decisions.” He spread dirty, nicotine-stained hands wide, encompassing the view in front of them. “This, this was always my Grand Design, Castiel.”
‘To abandon your children?’ The words bubbled up hot and bitter, before Castiel could even think to suppress them, and felt something like horror flash through him at the thought.
“I never abandoned anyone, Castiel. I told them what to do. If they chose not to listen, how can that be my fault? It was part of the Grand Design. Hey, spare a cigarette, buddy?” he asked, edging closer to a young male, hair cropped short and colored a bright, bubblegum pink, several silvery rings through his ears and eyebrows. The male shrugged, shook two free and handed them over. “Much obliged, man. God bless, yeah?” The human waved a hand, drifting back into the oblivious mass of humans milling around.
He lit the first one, eyes drifting shut as he dragged in the breath long and slowly. “These humans, Castiel, were always my Master Plan. Free will, free thought, free design. They can do whatever they wish, and most… most choose goodness. They help their fellow man, they try to live right and decently. They pray, and they are all endlessly fascinating. Even when faced with the worst of horrors, they still believe. They still see the bright aspects.” He paused, taking another hit and holding the breath for a few seconds, before he let the white smoke out. “You do as I asked, Castiel. You protect the humans. Granted, your two Chosen ones more than others, but still, you protect. You try to cherish, even if you don’t understand why, or them. And if nothing else, you love Dean. You braved the horrors of Hell, said nothing of the damage to your Grace and the Hellfire-burns on your wings, to pull him up. You try to love Sam, tainted as you think he is.” He rolled his gaze over to Castiel, smiling knowingly. “You’ve done very well, my child. You followed the last orders, and you found what you wanted.” He spread his hands in supplication. “You found me.”
“You truly will not come home, rein in your children? You know they wish to start the Apocalypse!”
“Free will, Castiel. A father’s wish is always to see his children do well, to be safe and loved and cared for. It’s why I told your brethren their final orders. But it’s not my place to keep them from the decisions they want to make. It’s free will. It was always my final gambit.”
The sun finally broke over the horizon at that point, golden rays slipping through the buildings slowly, lighting the city as the hot surge of betrayal stung in Castiel’s soul. The angels he had destroyed, the brethren that had died at his hands, at his brother’s hands; the civil war that was erupting across Heaven’s fields, the scorched wing-prints that had burned their way into his brain… all for nothing.
God had been watching him, slowly taking drags off the borrowed cigarette, eyes bright and knowing in their infinite wisdom. He ducked his head, exhaling forcibly before shaking his head. “Not for nothing, Castiel. Have faith.” He tipped his head, watching the angel for a moment before motioning him closer, cigarette tucked between thin lips, bouncing with his words. “Go home. Go back to the Winchesters, okay? Just… have faith.” He pressed a grubby hand to the glowing wings Castiel kept tucked as closely as he could, closing his eyes as the Grace flared and brightened in greeting and welcome. The humans didn’t seem to notice, the brightness lost in the coming day. The pain and sensitivity that had followed him out of Hell and since faded away, the unnatural burns healing in the face of the Creator, and warmth flooded him, loosening tense muscles. “You’ve done very, very well, my child. I’m proud of you, for what it’s worth.”
He slipped his hands back into his pockets, offering one last smile before he walked away, disappearing into the city.
Thanks a million to icelily for the double-beta on this one, and helping to make it way better than the original scrap I gave her. Any remaining errors and stuff are totally on me.
Bonus cookies if you can guess where the inspiration came from. *gryns* It ain’t hard, that’s for sure. And yes, it’s yet ANOTHER Castiel fic. >.< I suck, I know. Onward:
~~*^*~~
When the amulet Sam had given Dean, the amulet that Castiel had borrowed from Dean, lit up hot and burning in his pocket, Castiel flinched, surprised as he fumbled it out, the metal glowing red in the darkness. It took him a few moments to figure it out, the metal straining eagerly towards a filthy, homeless man leaning against a light pole, arms crossed against a thin chest as the cigarette in his mouth trailed white smoke lazily. He felt his eyes widening as he took a hesitant step closer, surprise fading to relief as the man glanced over his shoulder, eyes clear and glittering in acknowledgment. The man took the cigarette from his mouth, raising a brow. “Can I help you, man?”
There’s no way he had found God, standing in the middle of the city, dirty and alone and smoking on a cancer-stick. In his moments of weakness, when he allowed himself to fantasize that he found God, he never once had it planned this way. Still…
“Father.”
The man chuckled, pointing to Castiel with the rolled tobacco, smiling as he shook his head. “Good one. I’m kinda impressed.” He waited a beat before continuing. “Yes, Castiel. I’m the one you seek.”
The angel hesitated, the words and demands and questions bubbling up too quick, and he had to fight to slow them, to pick which was the best to ask of the Creator. ‘Thank you, God, now you can come and fix everything.’ ‘Do you have any idea what your Children are planning?’ ‘Why did you walk away?’ ‘Won’t you come home?’ ‘If you won’t, do you know where your Son is?’ ‘Do you know how many of your children have been killed by their siblings?’
God laughed a little, eyes crinkling as he shook his head. “Oh, Castiel.” The mirth seemed to fade away a little, and his gaze went distant as he took another drag off the cigarette, blowing the smoke skyward absently. The quiet reigned for several moments before God’s focus slid to the side, watching the angel. “You’re the only one who’s come looking for me, you know that? Even the FirstBorns, they didn’t.” He snorted, smoke trailing vapors from his nostrils. “They were the first to turn away, actually.”
“I don’t understand, Father.” Castiel was a soldier; he followed order, and was unfailingly loyal and obedient. But the need to understand this, to figure out why their Father had abandoned them, burned hot and low in his gut, an uncomfortable sensation that was dangerously close to falling.
“You won’t fall, Castiel.” God turned knowing eyes on him for a moment, tapping his temple wryly when Castiel appeared confused. “Just because I look human, doesn’t mean I am. I can see you, all of your Grace and all your glory.” His eyes slid back to the humans effortlessly dodging them, too focused on their own lives to see the Creator standing right here. “I can still hear your thoughts. I can hear the thoughts of all of these humans. I can hear all the angels.” He chuckled, mirthful again. “I can read every thought that every one of my creations has.”
Castiel bit back the urge again to question. The Creator smiled, dropping the cigarette and crushing it beneath his dilapidated boot. “Ask, Castiel. You know you want to.”
“Why?” Every single question that bounced around in his head, every burning desire, all had that leading word.
God laughed, hearty and bitter. “Why? Why did I choose green for the grass? Why the Aurora Borealis? Why did I give the platypus fur and the ability to lay eggs? Why did I give birds the same wings I gave you angels? Why what, Castiel? You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Why won’t you help? You see what’s going on. You see the devastation of your planet. You said you can hear your angels… surely you know what’s happening up there. The anarchy, the betrayals. Why did you leave us? We need your guidance, Father.” His heart ached, too heavy for his vessel.
God bowed his head, pinching and rubbing the narrow bridge of his nose. “Oh, Castiel. I gave the angels guidance. What was my last order?”
“Love the humans. Protect them. Cherish them.”
“Exactly.” Castiel was young still, especially compared to his older brethren, and couldn’t quite repress the frustrated flare of his wings. The humans never noticed, just flowed absently around the obstructions, but God frowned at him, rubbing his thumb along his fingers. “Castiel. Look around you. None of these humans have seen Me. Not one of them knows what my face looks like. Yet, they believe. They hold absolute faith in some variation of me. Your brethren…they have seen Me. Those first four, the ones that you all turned to for direction and guidance in my absence, they’ve heard my voice, touched me, know absolutely that I exist. And yet, they were the first to turn away, the first to disobey. Lucifer was loud and brash, but he at least was open with his disobedience. The others have slowly but surely turned away as well.”
“I don’t understand. You can still come back and fix everything. You know what Michael wants to do!”
“Yes, I do. And no, I won’t come back. I’ve made my decisions.” He spread dirty, nicotine-stained hands wide, encompassing the view in front of them. “This, this was always my Grand Design, Castiel.”
‘To abandon your children?’ The words bubbled up hot and bitter, before Castiel could even think to suppress them, and felt something like horror flash through him at the thought.
“I never abandoned anyone, Castiel. I told them what to do. If they chose not to listen, how can that be my fault? It was part of the Grand Design. Hey, spare a cigarette, buddy?” he asked, edging closer to a young male, hair cropped short and colored a bright, bubblegum pink, several silvery rings through his ears and eyebrows. The male shrugged, shook two free and handed them over. “Much obliged, man. God bless, yeah?” The human waved a hand, drifting back into the oblivious mass of humans milling around.
He lit the first one, eyes drifting shut as he dragged in the breath long and slowly. “These humans, Castiel, were always my Master Plan. Free will, free thought, free design. They can do whatever they wish, and most… most choose goodness. They help their fellow man, they try to live right and decently. They pray, and they are all endlessly fascinating. Even when faced with the worst of horrors, they still believe. They still see the bright aspects.” He paused, taking another hit and holding the breath for a few seconds, before he let the white smoke out. “You do as I asked, Castiel. You protect the humans. Granted, your two Chosen ones more than others, but still, you protect. You try to cherish, even if you don’t understand why, or them. And if nothing else, you love Dean. You braved the horrors of Hell, said nothing of the damage to your Grace and the Hellfire-burns on your wings, to pull him up. You try to love Sam, tainted as you think he is.” He rolled his gaze over to Castiel, smiling knowingly. “You’ve done very well, my child. You followed the last orders, and you found what you wanted.” He spread his hands in supplication. “You found me.”
“You truly will not come home, rein in your children? You know they wish to start the Apocalypse!”
“Free will, Castiel. A father’s wish is always to see his children do well, to be safe and loved and cared for. It’s why I told your brethren their final orders. But it’s not my place to keep them from the decisions they want to make. It’s free will. It was always my final gambit.”
The sun finally broke over the horizon at that point, golden rays slipping through the buildings slowly, lighting the city as the hot surge of betrayal stung in Castiel’s soul. The angels he had destroyed, the brethren that had died at his hands, at his brother’s hands; the civil war that was erupting across Heaven’s fields, the scorched wing-prints that had burned their way into his brain… all for nothing.
God had been watching him, slowly taking drags off the borrowed cigarette, eyes bright and knowing in their infinite wisdom. He ducked his head, exhaling forcibly before shaking his head. “Not for nothing, Castiel. Have faith.” He tipped his head, watching the angel for a moment before motioning him closer, cigarette tucked between thin lips, bouncing with his words. “Go home. Go back to the Winchesters, okay? Just… have faith.” He pressed a grubby hand to the glowing wings Castiel kept tucked as closely as he could, closing his eyes as the Grace flared and brightened in greeting and welcome. The humans didn’t seem to notice, the brightness lost in the coming day. The pain and sensitivity that had followed him out of Hell and since faded away, the unnatural burns healing in the face of the Creator, and warmth flooded him, loosening tense muscles. “You’ve done very, very well, my child. I’m proud of you, for what it’s worth.”
He slipped his hands back into his pockets, offering one last smile before he walked away, disappearing into the city.