Tears Dry On Their Own - Chapter 5
Title: Tears Dry On Their Own
Pairing: JaeMin (Main), HoMin, HoSu, Yoochun/OFC
Rating: R
Length: Chaptered
Genre: Romance, Angst (a lot in this chapter), Drama, Fluff, Humor, AU
Warnings: Language, Mentions of Adultery, References to Sex
Disclaimer: This is a work of pure fiction. The characters belong to themselves. The plot-line is mine. Do not translate this fic or distribute it without permission.
Summary: Two stunningly powerful individuals; so hopelessly in love. They had everything anyone could ever want - fame, money, love and a family worth more than all the happiness in the world.
But something happened. Something wrong.
One half of their whole committed a mistake that the other could never accept and, thus, unleashed a story of discovery, understanding and forgiveness.
There are times when you’re silent.
Your heart a steady, dull thrum - so quiet that it’s like you’re barely alive.
You sit and you stare into nothing.
Breathing shallow.
Arms useless on your lap.
Eyes vacant like you’re a step away from deaths door.
I wonder, then, if you realise that it’s your fault.
Your fault that the thought of living has become an arduous task of endless pain.
Endless torture.
Hurting you, is hurting myself.
Every scar on your body is a scar on mine.
Our love was as Neruda described it.
"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
Jaejoong, if I die, do you promise to die with me?
Yours,
Forever and for always,
Changmin.
“How long are you going to do this to yourself?” Yunho murmured as he watched Changmin stand on the balcony, a hand absently trailing across a hickey from another one-night stand, another unknown face hovering just to the side of his peripheral vision.
He closes his eyes and envisions the countless other hands touching him, stale alcoholic kisses trailing against his ears, neck and back; whispered promises of love and desire, words telling him how precious, sexy and dirty he is.
He laughs softly under his breath and turns towards his best friend, eyes open, tears sliding down his cheeks, one for his lost love, the other for himself, bare and shattered with a broken broken heart.
“They tell me I’m the best they’ve ever had. They tell me that they envy the lucky bastard that manages to tame me. They tell me they’d give up the world to have me just one more time. How can I stop when everything inside me wants to rip me apart? Every single time they touch me, I think of Jaejoong’s face and wonder, will he come save me? Will he understand? Will he feel what I felt, seeing what was his get corrupted by everyone that wasn’t?"
Yunho wants to reach out and hold the other, but he feared his touch would break what was left of Changmin’s sanity.
“You’re breaking apart, Min….You’re going out of your mind with pain and everyone can see it. Kris is trying to understand but the child’s just confused as to why his father never comes home at night anymore. There are only so many times the rest of us can tell him you’re working late. You don’t eat, you’re always high, people are spreading rumours about how you’re sleeping with the new photographer-"
“I am,” Changmin muttered, his eyes vacantly gazing at a point beyond Yunho’s shoulder.
“I spent three years after the end of my marriage staying loyal to a man I believed had only made one mistake, only to return, ready to forgive, to find out that it hadn’t been one mistake. He’d slept with that woman for four months, coming home to me, telling me how much he loved me, all the while unwinding every string that held our marriage together. Let them all talk, Yunho. I’ll always be the bad one, the one that ruined everything. But if that means that bastard gets to hear every one of those rumours then it’s all worth it."
“You’re ruining your life, Min. This isn’t who you are, you’ve never been capable of hurting somebody, why are you hurting yourself?"
Changmin turned his gaze back to the man in front of him before walking to stand between the v of the other’s legs. He reached out an arm and wound it around the older man’s neck, bringing their mouths together, “Hey, Yunho, do you know what it feels like to love someone more than they will ever love you?"
Yunho shook his head, feeling Changmin’s mouth move against his own and his tears coat his own cheeks.
"It’s like playing with life and death, like being burned from the inside. Feeling pain is the only way to feel alive."
“The question is are you going to stay alive at the end of this? You have to stop this, please. Kris needs you. I need you. Your mom needs you. Changmin, don’t do this. Everything you do, it doesn’t begin and end with Jaejoong, it affects all of us. Fuck him, is he worth all of this?"
Changmin sobbed and bit his lip hard enough to cause it to bleed, “He’s the reason I do everything, Hyung."
Yunho couldn’t understand how or when Changmin had become this obsessed, so consumed by his love for Jaejoong that he couldn’t look beyond it. It had been fine when they’d been together, when the love they had for each other kept them balanced. Jaejoong’s strength, Changmin’s love - it was what kept their world moving. Without each other, they were stopped in time, unmoving, always hurting, breaking apart.
If something wasn’t done, there’d be nothing left of Changmin to save and hell if Yunho was about to let his best friend whither away into nothing.
Yunho waited until the young model had fallen asleep before heading back to his own room.
He picked up his phone and called the one person he believed could put everything back on track, if this didn’t work, then there’d be chaos.
Changmin was weak with him.
He was hell on Earth before the world.
If the young man decided to open pandora’s box in his own heart, he’d take everything in his wake and destroy it with his bare hands.
“Yunho?” the soft voice called from the other end of the line.
“Junsu, we need you."
There were two things that Junsu couldn’t tolerate - spicy food and his friends getting hurt.
He walked past the hoard of screaming fans in the airport and headed for the one place where he knew he’d find Jaejoong.
He stared out of the window of his car and tapped his fingers against the glass, anger setting his jaw in a tight clench as he recalled his conversation with his boyfriend.
“Changmin’s going out of his mind. He’s had more one-night stands this week than Yoochun has had in the last year….he’s unravelling at the seams. Junsu, if we don’t do something that guy is going to end up destroying himself and take all of us with him."
“I thought he’d headed to Korea to work things out with Jaejoong, what the fuck happened between then and now?"
“He found out that Jaejoong’s little tryst hadn’t been a one off thing. Apparently the affair had been going on for four months before Changmin had found out about it. He’s fucking losing his shit, Yoochun found him in bed with his fucking chief of staff, smoking weed. Yoochun’s nearly ripping his hair out in frustration because none of us can get Changmin to stop, none of us know how."
“Holy fuck, Yunho. How did you guys let it get this bad?"
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. You have to come back. Please. I can’t-"
“I got it. I’ll cancel everything and I’ll be back tomorrow."
“Thanks Su, I love you."
“Love you too, try to get a good night’s sleep in."
Junsu would be surprised if Jaejoong made it alive after he was done with him.
Changmin was their little group’s baby, there were no two ways about it.
All those years ago, when Jaejoong had practically placed his head on a chopping board to tell the rest of them that he wanted to date Changmin, they’d all given in under the impression that there was nobody out there in the world that could care for and love Changmin the way Jaejoong could and now Junsu wanted to rip Jaejoong’s tongue out for breaking his promise.
He got out of the car and walked past everyone to head to Jaejoong’s office, blatantly ignoring everyone’s whispers and the flustered staff as they bowed to him repeatedly in greeting.
He threw open the wooden door and stopped dead, finding Jaejoong standing between Hae Ri’s legs and kissing her on the forehead as she sat on top of his desk, her legs wound behind his legs.
Junsu saw red as he stormed over to the pair and ripped Jaejoong away from the woman before reaching out and grabbing hold of her hair.
“You fucking-,” he spat into her face, “You’ve got five seconds to get out of here before I rip your hair out by their roots, and if I ever find out you’ve stepped foot inside this building again or anywhere near Changmin or Jaejoong, I’m going to make you wish you were never fucking born."
“Junsu!“ Jaejoong yelled.
“Everybody knows that they’re divorced and that Changmin’s been screwing everything that moves since he’s got back. Why are you screaming at me?! I’m not the one who called Jaejoong-ssi!“ she shouted back at him, her eyes tearing up at having her hair pulled.
“Do not EVER say Changmin’s name with your mouth, you hear me? Home-wreckers like you don’t get to judge or say anything about the lives they’ve ruined. Gold-digging bitches like you don’t get to ruin good things. Don’t think for one second I don’t know whose daughter you are, Choi Hae Ri and that this isn’t the first marriage you’ve messed with. Now get out before I hit you and let everyone know what your stupid mother’s put you up to."
Junsu let go of her hair and pushed her out the door before whirling on Jaejoong and punching the living shit out of him.
“You” punch "fucking” punch “son of a bitch.” punch
Jaejoong grabbed hold of Junsu’s hands to stop him with one hand, while trying to wipe the blood from his mouth with the other.
“How am I always the bad guy, Junsu?! What about Changmin?! Huh? All of you are sitting around feeling sorry for him while he’s gone and fucked half of the fucking industry and I’m the bad guy?! I made my mistakes then Junsu, but right now I’m not the one doing anything wrong!"
“Whose fault is it?! Whose fault is it do you think that Changmin’s breaking into pieces? You promised me, you promised me that you would take care of him and love him. And all I’ve seen you do is make one mistake after the other, that boy loves you so much it’s insane, it isn’t healthy and all you can do is make it so that he comes out of this with his mind broken or dead!"
“He’s a grown up! He’s out there making decisions for himself. He doesn’t want to listen to a thing I have to say. He’s so angry at me that he’s doing everything in his power to make me hurt and I’m not going to let him!"
“You’re already hurting, you fucking idiot. Look at how you’re fucking dressed! You look like you haven’t slept in days, your clothes are wrinkled, you’ve lost weight and you look like you’ve spent years crying your eyes out! What is repeating your mistakes going to get you? You want to hurt him more? Is that it? There’s nothing left to hurt him with. He’s so far gone, that hurt can’t even begin to describe what he’s feeling. He’s lost everything because of you. He’s lost his ability to trust, to love, to be loved, to care. Don’t you love him anymore, Jaejoong? What happened to the Jaejoong that would give up his life for his Changmin? What happened to the Jaejoong that was blind to everyone but that nerdy boy from down the road?"
“I fucked up, Su. I know that. I fucked up so bad that I’ve spent three years beating myself up raw over what happened. I was scared then. I was scared of what this industry was doing to Changmin. He was getting aggressive and getting into recreational drugs. He wasn’t listening to me then, he wouldn’t even think of giving that life up and he was leaving me and Kris behind. I asked him to stop-"
“And he did, from what I heard,”Junsu snapped, his anger draining out of him and leaving him exhausted.
“He’d stopped after we adopted Kris. But then he got a call about a shoot in Italy. It was the one thing he’d wanted for years and probably the only one he hadn’t done. We fought about it pretty badly. He told me he wanted to do it and I said no, not after what we’d been through and then he accused me of trying to control everything he did. He apologised right after and decided that he wouldn’t go, but the damage had already been done. I- I fucked up. I was angry and I-I wanted him to hurt - I wanted to show him that he was mine and-"
“You fucking piece of shit,”Junsu whispered, staring at Jaejoong, eyes wide with realisation, “You slept with her that night…but what about every single time after that? What excuse did you have for those times? Is that how your marriage has been? You constantly having these expectations from Changmin. You believing that the man was perfect and then having those illusions shattered because he was getting screwed over by the industry that he was working in? And suddenly you wanted more? You wanted to see the perfect Changmin break? You wanted that power. You wanted- you wanted him to never be able to see beyond you. You-. Everything that’s happening now, you want it to happen. You want to see him burn with the same insanity that you do…"
Junsu laughed incredulous, turning away from Jaejoong and running a hand through his hair, his face falling into a look of pained shock.
“This….everyone’s had it wrong. Changmin- he’s not going crazy because you love him too little….he’s going to end up in pieces because you love him too much. The perfect Changmin, you want to break him in like a horse….everything…everything’s just been….holy fucking shit."
“Junsu, you can’t-"
Junsu turned around and looked at Jaejoong with an unreadable expression.
“Fix it. Tell him. Show him. This - whatever it is you’re playing at, there isn’t going to be a Changmin left to love if you keep this up."
With that Junsu walked out of the office, hands shaking at his side as he worked through what he’d come to realise.
While Changmin was spiralling into insanity, Jaejoong was building a picket-fenced house in it.
This was something that was beyond what the three friends could understand.
This was like standing outside a circle of fire and watching the two people in it destroy everything for the sake of love. Including themselves. Including each other.
One hurt for me. Two hurt for you.
Changminnie,
Junsu figured out everything.
Everything that makes me so bad for you.
Why I wanted you to see...
Why I wanted to rip apart everything that made you perfect...
He found out the ways in which I could make you mine.
You complicate everything, my love.
Everything about us, is far simpler than you think.
It is the kind of love that consumes everyone.
But the difference is, we give ourselves to it wholly.
You become me and I become you.
There is no two- only one.
Neruda’s poems that you love so...
This is the one that best describes how I feel for you:
"I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine."
Changmin, there is no me, if there is no you.
And if you die, that’s because I would have died long before you, my love.
Yours,
Forever and for always,
Jaejoong.
_________________________________________________
A/N 1: It's been a while. I'm done with my exams and now I'm a step closer to being a Masters student. So yay. I just have my dissertation left.
A/N 2: I think the characters in this story have officially traumatised me. And I'm sorry if they've done the same to you.
A/M 3: I also hope everyone's enjoying this story. Please leave a commment and let me know. I know I don't reply as much anymore because of the lack of time. But I do read them and I'd love the support or constructive criticism.