Imaginary Friend
Hey darlings, I havent written anything significant for a while and here is the product of a visit (cuz he's far from back) from my muse i found him in kyu's pants kaija!. This is for Monica and Kaija for their unwavering support and hunt for my muse =D
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IMAGINARY FRIEND
Donghae does not tell anyone about his secret. The others would just laugh or stare at him or worse, tell him that it’s okay, he’s still young. He knows that it’s unusual for a teenager let alone a twenty something man, but he also knows that his imaginary friend is real.
Donghae is not obsessive or lonely, he is surrounded by friends and family and you can hear his bright laughter ringing through the halls and practice rooms. He simply wants someone to talk to him, to be besides him at all times, to be his. His friend doesn’t have a name and Donghae doesn’t even know what he looks like, only that he is there and that has always been enough. His life doesn’t revolve around his friend, sometimes they don’t even see each other for a long time. It was just like with some of his other friends, they would talk and share and simply enjoy each other’s company. His friend only comes to him when he needs someone, a particularly grueling day, a pointless fight with his friends, a confession he needs to get off his chest.
After he joins Super Junior, they rarely have time to see each other, because Donghae rarely has time at all to do anything and because Donghae meets him . As the days pass by, Donghae’s secret friend visits less and less, because now there’s a soft spoken dancer listening to Donghae’s problems, to his fears and hopes and dreams. And when Donghae receives news of his father, it is in the Chinese man’s arms that he cries himself to sleep.
It is years later that his friend visits again, sitting on the bed besides Donghae as he stares blankly at the wall. For the first time, his friend touches him, a gentle squeeze of his hands. There’s a face to his friend now, that face, gentle eyes and parted lips and Donghae doesn’t know whether he wants to pull the other close or shove him away. He falls asleep and dreams of that face and gentle embraces and soft accents.
His friend stays after that, hiding in the shadows of Donghae’s bedroom, sitting on his bean bag besides the large fish tank. Donghae tries not to think of another man sitting in the exact same spot, long legs crossed as he watches Donghae point excitedly at his new fish. He’s there in the kitchen as they eat a simple breakfast (toast and milk) peeking out behind the fridge. Donghae chews the toast extra hard, resisting the urge to see if there is someone sitting on his right spooning Beijing Fried Rice onto his plate.
Donghae is missing the other so much, so hard, that it’s all too easy to pretend that the Chinese man is still here, still dancing in the lounge room and still ruffling Donghae’s hair before they go to bed. It all becomes too fake and other things too real, that everything slips together and suddenly Donghae isn’t missing Hankyung anymore, because he’s right there.
He is happy again, smiles and cheerfulness and Donghae doesn’t really understand why Kyuhyun locks himself in his room for hours on end or why Siwon sits there reading his bible, only the pages never turn. And he doesn’t understand what Leeteuk means when the older man grabs him one day as Donghae is about to leave (I’m going on a date, he tells the others with a grin) and pleads with him to stop. Thoughts fly through Donghae’s head, because he doesn’t know what he did wrong or what he is suppose to be stopping. He asks what is wrong and Leeteuk looks like he’s about to cry.
Donghae goes on his date anyway, because it’s their special date and they go to Donghae’s favorite icecream palour and they sit by the pond in the park watching the ducks. Donghae asks his friend- his lover now- what he did wrong, but Hankyung just smiles at him and tells him to ignore it and Donghae knows, somewhere deep inside his heart, that something is wrong and this isn’t right and Hankyung wouldn’t-, but then everything gets cut off because that beautiful face and those lips are leaning too close and Donghae tries to breathe through his heartbeats.
Leeteuk’s words stay in his head though and first, Donghae apologizes to Ryeowook. He gives the bewildered young man a new apron and spatula and swears he will never set foot into the kitchen again. Yesung is next, but he only stares at Donghae like he had lost his mind when Donghae gives him a stack of expensive music paper and promises he won’t use Yesung’s ones to make paper planes anymore. There are apologies and promises and he has stopped doing all of the things that might make Leeteuk look like that, when he realizes what his leader must mean. Then he gets down on his knees and takes Hankyung’s hand and Donghae tells his lover that he knows that he’s not good enough and doesn’t deserve to steal him away from the others, but please, he loves the other too much to let go, so would Hankyung please never make Donghae stop loving him. Leeteuk walks in on Donghae kneeling before an empty (it’s been empty for weeks, for too long) bed and there’s a hard slap across his cheeks, but Donghae doesn’t even feel it, because when he looks up, Hankyung is gone and Donghae is slipping again.
Donghae waits for his friend, his lover, his everything to return to him once more and he counts the days, hours and minutes, the fucking seconds down in his head and on the walls and with each bleeding stitch that was being pulled out with each moment that he opens his eyes to find that he was still alone. He spends more and more time alone and he tells himself not to think too much about the fearful, hurt look on Eunhyuk’s face or the unreadable one on Heechul’s. Donghae doesn’t speak to Leeteuk, doesn’t even look at their leader, because what kind of leader pushed away one of their own? Then Donghae decides enough is enough, because he’s so sick of the sad, pitiful looks the others are giving him and because his heart seemed to have disappeared.
Donghae thinks he sees his friend sometimes, dancing at the edges of his vision, melding back into the shadows whenever he turned to look, as if scared to be in the sunlight. Donghae began to eat more after that, piling on enough food until Shindong stares at his plate and asks him if he can eat all that. He does, even if he is choking over the toilet afterwards (he cries each time he does, because then it was all pointless and he was failing) and he dances harder, faster, pushing himself past the point of exhaustion (he slams his fists onto the ground whenever he falls asleep, because he was losing time and chances). He can’t afford to lose any of that, because he wants- needs- to grow stronger, so he doesn’t just have to watch as he friend is burnt each time he ventures out, by a scorching sun that never set; burnt so badly that he has to run away and hide in the shadows. Because even though Donghae loves watching the other dance through the darkness besides his bed, he knows that the other belonged on the stage. So Donghae decides to bring his friend into the sunlight too, where he can dance under safely (tree, rooftop, umbrella- Donghae was willing to be any of them).
He’s just finished throwing up half his food and his cheek is burning from where he had slapped himself in punishment (another day gone), as he lay curled up on the bathroom floor, his body curved in a way that it seemed like he was waiting for another half to complete him, when his friend returns. His friend, but not his lover, because it’s that face again, the faceless slate instead of his face and Donghae cries because he feels like a traitor, because his first friend was back after so long and he should be happy, but all he wanted to do was curl up and die. There’s darkness drawing him in and there’s banging at the door and his friend is watching him with such a sad expression on his face and all Donghae could think of was how much he misses Hankyung and how no one, not even Donghae’s lifelong friend, could truly replace him. He watches as his illusions, his Hankyung shatter along with the mirror as the door bangs open and the last thing he sees is his friend slipping away and frantic eyes.
Donghae wakes, but he doesn’t open his eyes, because now he doesn’t even have a friend at all, not even an imagined lover, not even a fake mirage to hold on to and he didn’t have hope anymore, because he’s just Donghae and even if he becomes strong, there’s no reason that that will bring Hankyung back anymore than Siwon’s pleas or Kyuhyun’s withdrawal or Ryeowook’s tears. Because regardless of all the things Donghae had imagined them doing together, he was just a dongsaeng, just Donghae. He doesn’t realize he is crying until there are hands grabbing him and he’s breathing in a scent so familiar yet so long gone that he’s choking. Donghae doesn’t understand, doesn’t think, just sobs and touches the man everywhere, because he doesn’t even care if this is just a fragment of his broken mind, because god, it felt real and so, so good. It isn’t until Leeteuk appears in the doorway and Donghae is ready to lash out, his hands digging into the soft shirt (god it felt so real under his finger) to keep him here, and Leeteuk smiles that Donghae finally realizes that it’s real this time.
His friend doesn’t ever appear after that, not even when Donghae misses him occasionally, but Hankyung doesn’t ever disappear after that, not even when Donghae doesn’t miss him, which never happens anyway and Donghae thinks it’s a pretty good trade.
//
gahhh this is so bleh. D:
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IMAGINARY FRIEND
Donghae does not tell anyone about his secret. The others would just laugh or stare at him or worse, tell him that it’s okay, he’s still young. He knows that it’s unusual for a teenager let alone a twenty something man, but he also knows that his imaginary friend is real.
Donghae is not obsessive or lonely, he is surrounded by friends and family and you can hear his bright laughter ringing through the halls and practice rooms. He simply wants someone to talk to him, to be besides him at all times, to be his. His friend doesn’t have a name and Donghae doesn’t even know what he looks like, only that he is there and that has always been enough. His life doesn’t revolve around his friend, sometimes they don’t even see each other for a long time. It was just like with some of his other friends, they would talk and share and simply enjoy each other’s company. His friend only comes to him when he needs someone, a particularly grueling day, a pointless fight with his friends, a confession he needs to get off his chest.
After he joins Super Junior, they rarely have time to see each other, because Donghae rarely has time at all to do anything and because Donghae meets him . As the days pass by, Donghae’s secret friend visits less and less, because now there’s a soft spoken dancer listening to Donghae’s problems, to his fears and hopes and dreams. And when Donghae receives news of his father, it is in the Chinese man’s arms that he cries himself to sleep.
It is years later that his friend visits again, sitting on the bed besides Donghae as he stares blankly at the wall. For the first time, his friend touches him, a gentle squeeze of his hands. There’s a face to his friend now, that face, gentle eyes and parted lips and Donghae doesn’t know whether he wants to pull the other close or shove him away. He falls asleep and dreams of that face and gentle embraces and soft accents.
His friend stays after that, hiding in the shadows of Donghae’s bedroom, sitting on his bean bag besides the large fish tank. Donghae tries not to think of another man sitting in the exact same spot, long legs crossed as he watches Donghae point excitedly at his new fish. He’s there in the kitchen as they eat a simple breakfast (toast and milk) peeking out behind the fridge. Donghae chews the toast extra hard, resisting the urge to see if there is someone sitting on his right spooning Beijing Fried Rice onto his plate.
Donghae is missing the other so much, so hard, that it’s all too easy to pretend that the Chinese man is still here, still dancing in the lounge room and still ruffling Donghae’s hair before they go to bed. It all becomes too fake and other things too real, that everything slips together and suddenly Donghae isn’t missing Hankyung anymore, because he’s right there.
He is happy again, smiles and cheerfulness and Donghae doesn’t really understand why Kyuhyun locks himself in his room for hours on end or why Siwon sits there reading his bible, only the pages never turn. And he doesn’t understand what Leeteuk means when the older man grabs him one day as Donghae is about to leave (I’m going on a date, he tells the others with a grin) and pleads with him to stop. Thoughts fly through Donghae’s head, because he doesn’t know what he did wrong or what he is suppose to be stopping. He asks what is wrong and Leeteuk looks like he’s about to cry.
Donghae goes on his date anyway, because it’s their special date and they go to Donghae’s favorite icecream palour and they sit by the pond in the park watching the ducks. Donghae asks his friend- his lover now- what he did wrong, but Hankyung just smiles at him and tells him to ignore it and Donghae knows, somewhere deep inside his heart, that something is wrong and this isn’t right and Hankyung wouldn’t-, but then everything gets cut off because that beautiful face and those lips are leaning too close and Donghae tries to breathe through his heartbeats.
Leeteuk’s words stay in his head though and first, Donghae apologizes to Ryeowook. He gives the bewildered young man a new apron and spatula and swears he will never set foot into the kitchen again. Yesung is next, but he only stares at Donghae like he had lost his mind when Donghae gives him a stack of expensive music paper and promises he won’t use Yesung’s ones to make paper planes anymore. There are apologies and promises and he has stopped doing all of the things that might make Leeteuk look like that, when he realizes what his leader must mean. Then he gets down on his knees and takes Hankyung’s hand and Donghae tells his lover that he knows that he’s not good enough and doesn’t deserve to steal him away from the others, but please, he loves the other too much to let go, so would Hankyung please never make Donghae stop loving him. Leeteuk walks in on Donghae kneeling before an empty (it’s been empty for weeks, for too long) bed and there’s a hard slap across his cheeks, but Donghae doesn’t even feel it, because when he looks up, Hankyung is gone and Donghae is slipping again.
Donghae waits for his friend, his lover, his everything to return to him once more and he counts the days, hours and minutes, the fucking seconds down in his head and on the walls and with each bleeding stitch that was being pulled out with each moment that he opens his eyes to find that he was still alone. He spends more and more time alone and he tells himself not to think too much about the fearful, hurt look on Eunhyuk’s face or the unreadable one on Heechul’s. Donghae doesn’t speak to Leeteuk, doesn’t even look at their leader, because what kind of leader pushed away one of their own? Then Donghae decides enough is enough, because he’s so sick of the sad, pitiful looks the others are giving him and because his heart seemed to have disappeared.
Donghae thinks he sees his friend sometimes, dancing at the edges of his vision, melding back into the shadows whenever he turned to look, as if scared to be in the sunlight. Donghae began to eat more after that, piling on enough food until Shindong stares at his plate and asks him if he can eat all that. He does, even if he is choking over the toilet afterwards (he cries each time he does, because then it was all pointless and he was failing) and he dances harder, faster, pushing himself past the point of exhaustion (he slams his fists onto the ground whenever he falls asleep, because he was losing time and chances). He can’t afford to lose any of that, because he wants- needs- to grow stronger, so he doesn’t just have to watch as he friend is burnt each time he ventures out, by a scorching sun that never set; burnt so badly that he has to run away and hide in the shadows. Because even though Donghae loves watching the other dance through the darkness besides his bed, he knows that the other belonged on the stage. So Donghae decides to bring his friend into the sunlight too, where he can dance under safely (tree, rooftop, umbrella- Donghae was willing to be any of them).
He’s just finished throwing up half his food and his cheek is burning from where he had slapped himself in punishment (another day gone), as he lay curled up on the bathroom floor, his body curved in a way that it seemed like he was waiting for another half to complete him, when his friend returns. His friend, but not his lover, because it’s that face again, the faceless slate instead of his face and Donghae cries because he feels like a traitor, because his first friend was back after so long and he should be happy, but all he wanted to do was curl up and die. There’s darkness drawing him in and there’s banging at the door and his friend is watching him with such a sad expression on his face and all Donghae could think of was how much he misses Hankyung and how no one, not even Donghae’s lifelong friend, could truly replace him. He watches as his illusions, his Hankyung shatter along with the mirror as the door bangs open and the last thing he sees is his friend slipping away and frantic eyes.
Donghae wakes, but he doesn’t open his eyes, because now he doesn’t even have a friend at all, not even an imagined lover, not even a fake mirage to hold on to and he didn’t have hope anymore, because he’s just Donghae and even if he becomes strong, there’s no reason that that will bring Hankyung back anymore than Siwon’s pleas or Kyuhyun’s withdrawal or Ryeowook’s tears. Because regardless of all the things Donghae had imagined them doing together, he was just a dongsaeng, just Donghae. He doesn’t realize he is crying until there are hands grabbing him and he’s breathing in a scent so familiar yet so long gone that he’s choking. Donghae doesn’t understand, doesn’t think, just sobs and touches the man everywhere, because he doesn’t even care if this is just a fragment of his broken mind, because god, it felt real and so, so good. It isn’t until Leeteuk appears in the doorway and Donghae is ready to lash out, his hands digging into the soft shirt (god it felt so real under his finger) to keep him here, and Leeteuk smiles that Donghae finally realizes that it’s real this time.
His friend doesn’t ever appear after that, not even when Donghae misses him occasionally, but Hankyung doesn’t ever disappear after that, not even when Donghae doesn’t miss him, which never happens anyway and Donghae thinks it’s a pretty good trade.
//
gahhh this is so bleh. D: