White Collar fic - The Importance of Sharks and Friendship
Title: The Importance of Sharks and Friendship
Author’s Name: sheenianni
Fandom: White Collar
Spoilers: 3.16 - Judgment Day
Characters/Pairings: Peter Burke, Neal Caffrey, Mozzie, Clinton Jones, Diana Barrigan, Philip Kramer; pairings: Peter/Neal, pre-Neal/Jones, complicated
Raiting: PG-13
Warnings/Triggers: This is a crack!fic, pure and simple, with some black humor. Characters are OOC. Reading might result in laugh, disgust, or irreparable mental scarring. Read at your own danger.
Word Count: ~ 3.100
Summary: When Agent Kramer tries to fulfill his own agenda in Judgment Day, Peter and Neal’s team has a contingency plan. Kramer is in for a big surprise. AU, not your typical post-Judgment day story.
Once again, I need to thank my wonderful beta GrayWolf84 for her help with this story - and for persuading me that no, I wasn’t crazy, and anyway, sanity is overrated!
Please, enjoy :)
“Well, now this is a problem,” said Mozzie seriously.
“You think?” said Neal in disbelief. “Moz, this car has the smallest trunk I’ve ever seen.”
“It’s a nice sporty car!” opposed Mozzie. “You didn’t tell me what you wanted it for; you just said to bring a nice, cheap, inconspicuous car that wouldn’t attract attention and that we could get rid of afterwards. If you wanted me to bring a truck, you should have told me! This is not my fault - ”
“Calm down, Mozzie,” said Peter placatingly. “You’re right, we should have told you. But we can make this work.”
“Really?” said Mozzie sarcastically. “Tell me, Suit, how do you plan to fit two people in the trunk of this car?”
“If we can’t fit them both, then one of them will have to ride in the back with us,” stated Diana calmly.
“You’re kidding, right?” said Jones in disgust. “I’m not sitting next to either of them!”
“Jones…” started Peter.
“Peter, I mean it!” exclaimed Jones urgently. “The first one is already half-rotten! This is my best suit. I sit next to him, and my clothes will smell forever. You can’t wash out that smell!”
“Seriously Clint?” snorted Diana. “Now you’re starting to sound like Caffrey.”
“I am not endangering my clothes because you and the little guy screwed up,” said Jones stubbornly.
“Well, then what about the recent one?” asked Peter reasonably. “He doesn’t smell; he’s just a bit… sticky.”
“Not good, Suit,” shook his head Mozzie. “Everyone will be looking for him soon. We can’t have him showing on a camera in this car with all of us.”
“If you want my cooperation, then you need to figure something out,” said Jones stiffly.
“Mozzie was right,” muttered Neal to Diana. “This is going to be a problem.”
* * *
„You understand this is best for everyone, don't you?” said Kramer jovially.
Peter’s eyes scanned the crowd - and that was when he saw Neal.
Almost imperceptibly, Peter shook his head. He was relieved that his gesture had been understood when Neal disappeared a moment later.
“Don't you?” asks Kramer again.
Peter turned his head to look at his former mentor. “I have a statement to make,” he said, carefully controlling his voice.
When he entered the building, Kramer and the Marshals followed him. However, Peter still managed to discreetly slip his hand into his pocket and quickly type a message. If Kramer thought he had won, he was in for a truly ugly surprise.
* * *
“Seriously, you’re making this way too complicated,” said Mozzie with a frown. “We could just dissolve them in sulfuric acid - ”
“And you have a way to get so much acid without raising suspicion?” asked Diana. “Because - and everyone, correct me if I’m wrong - none of us have ties to a chemical factory. If you do, then please share with us, and this all will become much easier.”
“Perhaps next time,” said Mozzie reluctantly.
“So we’re back at square one,” said Peter with a sigh.
* * *
When Diana brought them the news, everyone was at uproar within seconds. Since Neal had run, his commutation hearing was canceled immediately, and a warrant was issued for Neal’s arrest. June, Sara and Elizabeth cried, Diana looked stunned and betrayed, Peter appeared to be in shock and Kramer wore a winning smile.
“He won’t get far,” he said confidently. “And when they catch him, I’ll take him with me to DC and mold him into my perfect tool. I’ll starve him, beat him and he’ll never see the daylight again. He’ll have to learn to recognize forgeries just by touch!”
“Philip…” started Peter brokenly. “Can we… can we talk? In private?”
* * *
“I’m becoming fed up with this,” gritted Diana through her teeth. “Jones, either give us your girlfriend’s backyard, or shut up and get into the car.”
“Hey guys, you know I can’t give you Susan’s backyard,” shook his head Jones.
“Why not?” asked Neal. “Neither of you has a dog or a curious kid, and you said yourself that she doesn’t care much for gardening. Besides, you’re somewhat detached from the case, so even if they come looking to me or Peter, they won’t go after her. It’s perfect.”
“We just recently got together,” explained Clinton. “If I ask Susie if I can bury two people in her backyard, she’ll think I’m some sort of a creep. It might completely destroy my love life! Not everyone is as tolerant as Elizabeth,” said Jones with a sigh.
“I think it hardly matters,” said Peter before another argument could start. “Even if Jones was willing to give us his girl’s backyard, we would have to figure a way to get them there. So we still need to figure out how to make this car work.”
“I might have an idea,” said Neal suddenly.
* * *
When they were finally alone in a quiet, private room, Kramer looked at Peter in triumph. “See, Petey?” he asked evilly. “Your boy is gone. I told you he would betray you. Guess that means I was right.”
Peter closed the door and inconspicuously locked it. Then he looked at Kramer with a mixture of venom, disgust and contempt. “Yeah, Neal's gone. He’s gone because I told him to run, you stupid moron.”
Kramer dropped his jaw. “What... you told him to run?! When?! How?! This just proves my point - he conned you! Why would you do that?!”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Because I'm in love wi-, ahem, because, he's my partner. And my friend.”
Kramer looked devastated and furious. “Have I truly taught you nothing?! I’ll charge you with conspiracy to obstruct justice… and actually obstructing justice… and aiding an escapee… and…”
Peter barely contained a feral grin. “You do that. But first, can you do me a favor and look at something?”
Kramer was still muttering. “Oh yes, I'll arrest you for aiding and obstruction. And for disrespecting your superior... and wearing nicer tie than me... and - what did you say?” he stopped at last. “What shall I look at?”
“This,” said Peter.
Then he picked a heavy statue and whacked Kramer over his head with it.
Kramer crumbled on the floor.
Just for good measure, Peter picked a sharp object and made sure that his job was really finished. By the end of it, there was no doubt that Kramer was truly, thoroughly dead.
Kramer had said it in not so many words that Neal was corrupting Peter. Peter thought that might be true - but he also knew that Neal had no part in what he had just done. That was all on him.
For some reason, that thought filled him with a sense of accomplishment and pride.
It was almost a perfect crime, thought Peter. He only wished that he could have whacked Kramer with the Socrates bust that Neal kept on his desk at the FBI.
Then he pulled out his cellphone and dialed a number.
“Diana?” he said. “We might need to speed up the schedule a little… We have a little problem.”
* * *
“You sure you can do it without me, guys?” asked Diana.
“Don’t worry, Lady Suit,” said Mozzie with a smile. “I’ll take care of them.”
“You know, if your girlfriend doesn’t treat you right, you can always join us,” said Neal to Jones quietly in the backseat. “Sara once told me that she has a taste for dark men. It’s possible that unlike that bitch Selina, she truly meant it. And anyway, El is always open to trying out new things, Diana loves to get a good backrub while she is with one of the girls, and Peter - ”
“Yes?” asked Jones. “What about Peter?”
“Well, he has said something about the women having an advantage in numbers,” said Neal. “You know; four of them, and only two of us. Since Christie is willing to play for both teams, it can get sort of… tiring. So, he suggested that we might consider getting another man.”
“Did he really,” said Jones, his mouth dry. “And what about you? What do you think?”
“I think,” whispered Neal seductively, “that you, Agent Jones, have a really nice body that I’d really like to explore… closely.”
Jones gulped.
“So, are you game?” asked Neal after a moment of silence.
“Neal…” started Jones hesitantly.
“Yeah?”
“I hate to break this to you, but…”
“What is it, baby?” asked Neal quietly. “Don’t be shy. Just tell me.”
“Well, it’s just… yuhavkramrsbitsonyorsut.”
“What have you said?” asked Neal softly. “I’m sorry, Clint, I didn’t catch that. Could you calm down and repeat it to me… slowly, this time?”
“I said,” started Jones and took a deep breath, “that you have Kramer’s parts on your suit.”
“What?” asked Neal and looked down. “Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Ouch.”
Silence.
“Well, I never particularly liked this suit anyway,” said Neal at last.
“Hmm.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“I think it might be his kidney,” said Jones in an attempt to be helpful.
“I don’t think so,” frowned Neal. “It looks more like a liver to me.”
Silence.
“You know, I’d really like to talk about your offer later,” said Jones. “It’s just - look, I’m not a patsy. I can deal with the makeupped corpse in women clothes wearing a wig that’s next to you. But when his organs start falling out, it sort of kills the romance.”
“Yeah. Umm. Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Neal reluctantly.
“We’ll talk about it later when we get rid of them,” said Peter from behind the wheel.
Mozzie sighed. “Am I and Sally the only ones who live in a monogamous relationship anymore?”
“Poor Mozzie,” said Peter compassionately and patted his knee. “You have to put up with us pervs and our orgies.”
“Ah, it’s okay,” said Mozzie with a smile. “I can hear about it from time to time. It really cuts down my expenses for porn.”
Neal looked thoughtful at that idea. “Maybe we should start an industry.”
* * *
It was almost fifteen minutes later when Diana knocked at the door. Once Peter was sure it was her, he unlocked it and let her in. One look at the floor, and Diana immediately understood Peter’s call.
“Boss!” she whispered harshly. “We agreed we won't do this until we find a secure place. That is not inside a building full of marshals and agents.”
“Look, I’m sorry,” said Peter defensively. “But he was getting on my nerves!”
“I can understand that,” said Diana, and her tone softened a bit. “But how do you suggest we smuggle him out of the building now?”
“We’ll think of something,” said Peter. “But first, we need to clear up the blood and make sure there’s no evidence left behind.”
“What about the security cameras?” asked Diana.
“That won’t be a problem,” said Peter with a smile. “You forget that Mozzie has a hacker girlfriend. She’ll help us.”
“Oh,” said Diana. “Well, I guess it’s okay then.”
“Good. Now tell me, how is Neal?”
Diana smiled. “He and Jones are already on the way back.”
* * *
They got out of the car at the predetermined, secure place. Jones looked at his watch and told them that his two friends from the Navy should be there in two hours, when it got dark enough.
“How did you persuade them to do this?” asked Neal.
Jones gave him an innocent smile. “Poker games,” he said. “I beat them almost every single time when we served together. Now, together with interest, they both owe me fortune.”
“Hmm… tell me, Clint,” said Neal in thoughts. “Those few times when they won… you didn’t let them, did you?”
For a second time that day, Neal considered that he might need to revalue his opinion about Clinton.
Who would have thought that Jones would make a half-decent conman?
* * *
“As I said, we were playing bowling,” explained Jones yet again to the Marshals before they could drag Neal away in handcuffs because of the cut anklet. “I’m not good at it, so Neal here tried to teach me. Unfortunately, one of my throws was so bad, it hit a post at the construction site and the thing fell on us. Because of all the debris, I had to cut Neal’s anklet, since it got stuck.”
“We would have called,” said Neal apologetically, “but my cellphone’s battery just ran out - ”
“And I lost my phone in the debris,” concluded Jones. “So you see, once we got out, we hurried here to clear out the misunderstanding.”
The marshal frowned. “Even if this is true, then there’s still the matter of Mr. Caffrey’s original arrest warrant -”
“For what? Public endangerment and jaywalking?” Jones shook his head. “Gentlemen, I’m sure you have better things to do than waste your time with such trivialities. Leave Caffrey to me. I’ll take care of him.”
It took a bit more persuasion, but with Kramer gone, the Marshals eventually decided to leave it to the Bureau to solve their problems themselves.
“We will explain the situation to the board,” said one of the Marshals at last. “It’s clear that the commutation hearing was aborted because of an error out of Mr. Caffrey’s control. Once they hear the truth, the board might be willing to reconsider.”
“Thank you, sirs,” said Jones with a smile.
“You were brilliant, Clint,” said Neal, brushing away dust from his suit when the Marshals finally left them.
“Was I?” asked Jones lightly, before he gave Neal a wink. “I had so much fun destroying that construction site…”
“And they didn’t even check it. Pity,” said Neal.
“Well, I think now it’s the time when we should check on Diana and Peter…”
* * *
When Jones’s friends Willie and Billie finally arrived, there was a lot of introducing and heartfelt hugs. Billie and Willie looked a bit wary; nonetheless, they waited while Peter and Neal’s team climbed into a boat and then they helped them carry the two “packages” into the boat as well.
“We’ll be on the ship soon, don’t worry,” said the two men. “It’s lucky that our ship was this close; otherwise you would have had to wait a few weeks or find another means of transport.”
“Lucky indeed,” said Neal with a smile. When Jones was momentarily distracted by Mozzie, he gave them a conspiratorial look. “Hey, men… how about I give you a few poker tips? You know, just in case my buddy over there challenges you to a rematch - ”
Fortunately, Peter came to his rescue before the two marines got the chance to throw Neal out of the boat.
* * *
Neal smiled at Peter. “All right. So, since your part of the plan to distract and get rid of Kramer worked, now we just need to get rid of his corpse. Sara and Elizabeth are already digging up in the garden, and Mozzie and June should drop by soon to help as well. We'll bury him between Fowler and the creepy doll.”
Jones had been helping Diana clear the crime scene, but he frowned at Neal’s words and stopped. “Is that wise?” he asked. “You said your dog keeps digging them up, Peter. Maybe you should look for a more permanent solution.”
Neal and Peter exchanged a look.
“Jones might have a point,” conceded Peter thoughtfully. “But do you have a better idea?”
“Wait a moment,” spoke Neal suddenly. “Moz said something about the sharks in the Caribbean. That could work, don’t you think?”
Peter furrowed his eyebrows. “Mmm… Intriguing idea. Maybe once your sentence is commuted, we could take a vacation.”
“That might take too long,” opposed Neal. “But we don’t have to wait, Peter. I’m out of the anklet now - ”
“Illegally,” said Peter.
“Well, what does it matter?” said Neal reasonably. “The point is, I’m under your supervision, at least until the Marshals get a new anklet or the board makes a decision in regards to my commutation.”
“Neal has a point, boss,” said Diana.
Jones spoke again. “I have some friends in the Navy. I could call them. They could smuggle us and our cargo on a ship and drop us out again in another port.”
Neal immediately picked up at the idea. “Mozzie can get us a vehicle - ”
“And the girls are already digging near Fowler, so they can get him out soon and we’ll kill two birds with one stone,” said Peter in realization. “Guys, we’re brilliant!”
“I see one problem with the plan,” said Neal reluctantly.
“Only one?” asked Jones.
“And what’s that?” asked Peter.
Neal and Diana exchanged a look, but it was Diana who spoke it aloud.
“Really, Peter, there are laws against animal cruelty. … Poor sharks!”
* * *
Peter and Neal watched as Kramer’s and Fowler’s bodies disappeared into deep waters. And sure - soon enough, there were sharks trying to eat them, despite Mozzie’s mournful warning that doing so might cause them indigestion.
“You know, this wasn’t so bad after all,” said Neal after Peter released him from a rather forceful kiss.
Peter stilled. Then he growled. “If you have objections to my kissing, Caffrey - ”
“No!” said Neal hastily. “No, that’s not what I meant at all!” He thoroughly kissed Peter back to prove his point.
“Hmm…” hummed Peter. “Okay, I believe you. But in that case, what did you mean by that?”
“I mean, we won’t have to keep burying Fowler all over again anymore,” said Neal happily. “We got Jones to join our group, I might be free soon, and I even dragged you onto a journey on a ship under stars! Can you honestly tell me that things could be any better? This is perfect.”
“Well, for starters, El could be with us here,” said Peter.
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Neal, and his smile fell a little bit. “But - ”
“Not to mention Sara,” continued Peter. “And Diana, and Christie. And I could really do with a bottle of good beer - ”
“You mean wine,” corrected him Neal. “Wine is always associated with romance and night under the stars.”
“Beer, wine, whatever,” rolled his eyes Peter.
“Okay, you’re right,” sighed Neal. “There are a few things missing - ”
“No, you were right,” said Peter and put his arms around Neal.
The night was becoming quite cold.
“This is perfect,” whispered Peter and kissed Neal on his cheek.
Neal leaned back into Peter’s embrace and fully enjoyed his lover’s warmth and closeness.
A few meters away, a shark just finished chewing Garrett Fowler’s arm, and another almost spat out Philip Kramer’s leg.
Life was good.
A/N: I have a distinct feeling that I might have borrowed Rabidchild’s, or maybe Elrhiarhodan’s idea when it comes to Satchmo digging up Fowler. (I honestly can’t remember the fic where it happened - but it was very funny!) Please, don’t sue me!