I love the second stanza, except for the "like salt water". Tears are salt water, so this seems a bit awkward.
The last stanza matches the title very well, but when I reached it I was surprised, not knowing where it came from. You may wish to consider adding a short stanza at the beginning to set that idea up.
Make sure the punctuation reflects your intent. I suggest:
First stanza: Consider changing the comma at the end of the first line to a colon or dash, and consider a punctuation mark after "subconsciousness", probably a comma. The grammar in this stanza is effective, but a bit unusual. I'm not sure how to punctuate it.
Second stanza: Replace the colon with a comma.
Third stanza: Consider turning the dash into a semicolon.
Fourth stanza: Add a comma after "win".
Last stanza: Move the comma to the end of the line.
Comments 1
Constructive criticism:
I love the second stanza, except for the "like salt water". Tears are salt water, so this seems a bit awkward.
The last stanza matches the title very well, but when I reached it I was surprised, not knowing where it came from. You may wish to consider adding a short stanza at the beginning to set that idea up.
Technical bits:
Check the spelling:
subconciousness -> subconsciousness
barracade -> barricade
wittle -> whittle
Make sure the punctuation reflects your intent. I suggest:
First stanza:
Consider changing the comma at the end of the first line to a colon or dash, and consider a punctuation mark after "subconsciousness", probably a comma. The grammar in this stanza is effective, but a bit unusual. I'm not sure how to punctuate it.
Second stanza:
Replace the colon with a comma.
Third stanza:
Consider turning the dash into a semicolon.
Fourth stanza:
Add a comma after "win".
Last stanza:
Move the comma to the end of the line.
Hope these are helpful.
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