"Suffering is the Best Punishment" - Chapter 16
Title: Suffering is the Best Punishment
Author: Shannon - shannyfish
Disclaimer: I do not own “The Mentalist” or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.
Warning: Severe spoilers for season one.
Chapter 16 - “Real Friends help hide the bodies”
Author’s Note: I’m sort of back…
............................
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.”- Bumper Sticker
Lisbon Residence
Jane was surprised when he woke. It wasn't because he'd woken in Lisbon's home, but rather because she'd slept quite soundly through the night. No nightmares. Which was good, but he was still a bit surprised. He stared at her for a moment, she looked so peaceful. He hated to think that the peaceful state would quickly melt away.
Darkness was coming, he could feel it.
Red John was close. Closer than ever if it was possible. Jane feared for her safety. It was stupid to fear something that couldn't be changed, but he did so just the same. Lisbon was special. And he'd made a promise.
Promises were stupid.
He couldn't keep this promise...
But if he lived, how could she ever trust him again? He was pretty sure that she trusted him now. After all, he was at her house. That was trust, right? She'd come after him and nearly gotten killed in the process, she cared. But how much did she really care? Better yet, how much did he really care? Could he bear to endure the pain of losing her because of his betrayal?
To betray the woman he loved...
Jane hated to think of it like that. He was saving her. He knew that she'd say different. Lisbon would say that he was being stupid and then she'd tell him that she didn't need his protecting. She was the one with the gun. She'd do the protecting.
“I'm proud of you.”
He turned his head to look at her. “Excuse me?”
She smiled at him and he loved her smile. She was beautiful and still in a blissful relaxed state. He wished he could bottle it. He wasn't used to having her so careless seeming.
“You're still here.”
“I am.”
“You kept your promise,” she told him.
Jane nodded. It hurt though. He'd meant it when he'd finally promised her, but now...now he regretted doing so. Though he knew that she'd hate him even if he hadn't made the promise. “I'm not going after him today...”
“He's going to come after us again,” she whispered.
Her green eyes were staring back at him and it sent a shiver down his spine. They were penetrating, like Lisbon could read his thoughts. “I know...”
“We have to find a way to figure out how to get to him first.”
“It's impossible.”
“No,” she whispered. “It's not.”
Jane kept his eyes on her. Watching her. He still wasn’t sure that she was one hundred percent. She was still remembering. Yes, she was remembering things, but she didn’t completely have her complete full memory back. He was still worried. Red John had struck her twice now. And he’d proven more times over that he could just get to her.
“I’m glad you kept your promise,” she said quietly as leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.
Surprised by her actions for a moment, Jane just stared at her. After a moment, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. He allowed his chin to rest on the top of her head. He pulled in a deep breath and held it for a moment. This was so perfect…
It was forbidden.
He wasn’t supposed to love her.
He wasn’t supposed to love anyone.
Not even himself.
“I-“ he started to mumble and then stayed quiet. He couldn’t bring himself to say what he was going to say. He wanted to tell her, just in case…just in case this was his only chance. What if Red John did kill him? If he was kind, not exactly the right word for him, and spared Lisbon? Shouldn’t she know? Or would it be worse for her? Would she suffer more? Would it just be harder? He moved back so that he could see her face and just stared at her. He tried again. “I-“
“Look at that, Patrick Jane, unable to say what’s on his mind,” she teased lightly with a smile.
He smiled back at her. It was true. He always did have a way with words and normally he always spoke what was on his mind. It was something that drove Lisbon crazy normally. He’d say something completely unexpected that would upset a victim’s family. In the end, it was always in pursuit of justice. In pursuit of a killer and uncovering the truth…even if it was deeply hidden.
“I think it’s your fault,” he finally spoke up, in a complete sentence.
Lisbon shook her head, her smile still in place. “No, you can’t blame this on me. You always speak whenever I don’t want you to. You normally can’t keep your mouth shut! You cannot blame your inability to say whatever you want to say to me on me…”
He stared at her, she was smiling…she seemed happy. For that moment, she was happy. Jane realized that he was happy. They were both happy, but only in that moment. If only this moment would last a lifetime… It seemed like something that was something overly simple, just a moment in time, but that would last on until time ended…but it was something that couldn’t be. He would remember this… The darkness was on the horizon and this would make what would happen easier… It would make it easier for him to give his life in order to save Lisbon’s if he needed to. He could die happy remembering this.
He couldn’t tell her…he couldn’t spill his heart out to her. Not now…. Not like this. He couldn’t risk putting her in such danger.
“I was going to say that I’m glad that I kept my promise as well,” he lied. He wasn’t sure if she’d believe it. So far, she just smiled at him and shook her head again. He liked this. It felt like Lisbon, but to him…she almost seemed like she’d been freed a bit. Freed of some of the weight of the world she carried… He wasn’t sure if it was because her memories weren’t all there and whatever it was just wasn’t on her mind or if it was merely because she was relaxed and she was allowing herself to be happy. If only for a moment.
“Have you ever heard of the saying: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Lisbon asked Jane.
“I’ve heard of it,” Jane said slowly. He wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this. But he was certainly going to let her tell him in order to find out where this was all going. So, he lay there, staring at her. Just waiting.
“What if we need to do that? What if we need to accept the things we cannot change?” she asked. “What if we can’t capture Red John? What if this is all just some game that we’ll never win.”
Jane stared at her. He could tell she was serious and she was scared. He could see it in her emerald eyes. “I’d rather go with having the courage to change the things I can,” Jane told her honestly. “I don’t think that he’ll keep this up. Eventually more people will die. And I’m afraid that it’s going to be the last people that I care about…” he said, the last part coming out as a pained whisper.
“I can’t believe that you consider us…the team…to be the closest people in your life,” she said quietly.
“And in doing so I’ve put you all in danger,” he told her. “I shouldn’t have…”
“Everyone needs a family, Jane,” Lisbon said.
Her eyes met his and Jane felt the words he wanted to say surface again in the back of his mind. He couldn’t though. He couldn’t bear to speak those words. This wasn’t the time. “No… Not when you get them killed, you don’t need one then. You need to keep your distance from people. You need to isolate yourself…for the good of those around you.”
“You really can’t believe that,” she said.
She sat up and stared at him. She looked worried now. He hadn’t meant to worry her. That was the problem with relationships, you cared about people and in turn they cared about you. It was a vicious circle of love, friendship, and caring. One that Jane had told himself he’d never re-enter and look what he’d done, he’d gone and made himself an accidental family. And now they were all in danger and none of them bothered even listening to him. None of them would heed his warnings.
“I do,” Jane finally said, staring at her and watching the confusion spread farther across her face.
“That’s unacceptable.”
“Excuse me?” he asked as he sat up to face her.
“You heard me,” Lisbon told him. “It’s unacceptable.”
“I heard you, I just don’t understand.”
She reached out and cupped his cheek with her hand. Her eyes were locked on his. “I don’t care if I’m in danger. Caring about people is important. Family is important. You are important, Patrick Jane. I don’t care if caring about you has put my life in danger. It’s no different than how things were before you came along, except you’re one more person that I care about. Killers go after people… Police officers…agents…they get hurt…killed…it’s part of the job, Jane.”
“I don’t care about it being part of the job,” Jane told her. And he didn’t. This wasn’t about the CBI. This wasn’t about Lisbon being an agent. This wasn’t about any of that. This was about how his caring about her had put a death sentence on her head.
“We’re going to find Red John…eventually,” Lisbon told him. “Just remember your promise.”
“He’ll never see your justice,” Jane said quietly. He wouldn’t risk Lisbon’s job. He knew better. Her job was her whole world. He had been working his hardest to do what he does to solve the cases without getting her fired. And if he ever crossed lines, he’d be sure that Lisbon was always in someone’s favor…he would never chance her losing her badge. After all, she was good at what she did… Why take that away?
Lisbon moved in closer, so that she was side by side with him and could rest her head on his shoulder. “At this point, I really don’t care…” she confided quietly.
Jane wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her, but she normally didn’t lie to him. Not about the serious things. “I love you,” he whispered to her. It had just slipped out. It was the truth. The awful, dangerous, deadly truth. He’d confessed his love for her.
“What?” she whispered and moved to look at him.
He watched her, silent. He could see her searching his eyes. She’d heard him, but he’d allow her to process it. After all, such a declaration deserved a few moments to really take in. He loved Teresa Lisbon. If she was willing to put her life on the line, help him, and possibly put her own beloved career on the line then he figured that she deserved to know the truth. The truth that he’d been hiding from her.
“Jane-“ she started to argue.
“Is it that hard for you to believe me?” he asked, still staring at her. He knew that the confession might have come at a surprise, but he hoped that she shared his feelings. Though, if she didn’t, at least he got his out now. Before he could regret never telling her. She deserved to know.
…
CBI Headquarters
“So, I heard that there’s been another Red John murder,” Jane said as he entered Lisbon’s office. So, he hadn’t really heard it as in he was supposed to hear it. He was more pretending to sleep and overhearing conversations that Rigsby and Cho were having. He would have thought that they’d know better, but apparently he was very convincing when he was lying on his couch with his eyes shut.
“Are you pretending to sleep again, but really listening to other people talk?” she asked.
Jane smiled brightly. “I’m so glad that you’re remembering!”
She rolled her eyes in response and looked disgusted. “Remember when I said that I was probably going to be irritated later? Well, it’s later and I’m feeling the irritation building up…”
He could tell that she didn’t truly mean it. She wasn’t really mad at him. Jane sat down across from her. Things between them had been a bit tense all day, but Jane had tried to act as normal as possible. She’d seemed confused and unsure as to how to respond. He hadn’t been surprised, but he (so far) hadn’t regretted telling her.
“You know we’re off the Red John cases-“
“I know! Minelli’s orders!” Jane said.
“If they somehow end up with a lead, though,” she said quietly as she continued to look over papers. “I’ve already been assured that I’ll be informed.”
“Oh?”
“I promised that you wouldn’t go after him alone, remember?”
He smiled brightly. “I do!”
…
TBC…
Author: Shannon - shannyfish
Disclaimer: I do not own “The Mentalist” or its characters, CBS does. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Takes Place during Season Two. Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.
Warning: Severe spoilers for season one.
Chapter 16 - “Real Friends help hide the bodies”
Author’s Note: I’m sort of back…
............................
“Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.”- Bumper Sticker
Lisbon Residence
Jane was surprised when he woke. It wasn't because he'd woken in Lisbon's home, but rather because she'd slept quite soundly through the night. No nightmares. Which was good, but he was still a bit surprised. He stared at her for a moment, she looked so peaceful. He hated to think that the peaceful state would quickly melt away.
Darkness was coming, he could feel it.
Red John was close. Closer than ever if it was possible. Jane feared for her safety. It was stupid to fear something that couldn't be changed, but he did so just the same. Lisbon was special. And he'd made a promise.
Promises were stupid.
He couldn't keep this promise...
But if he lived, how could she ever trust him again? He was pretty sure that she trusted him now. After all, he was at her house. That was trust, right? She'd come after him and nearly gotten killed in the process, she cared. But how much did she really care? Better yet, how much did he really care? Could he bear to endure the pain of losing her because of his betrayal?
To betray the woman he loved...
Jane hated to think of it like that. He was saving her. He knew that she'd say different. Lisbon would say that he was being stupid and then she'd tell him that she didn't need his protecting. She was the one with the gun. She'd do the protecting.
“I'm proud of you.”
He turned his head to look at her. “Excuse me?”
She smiled at him and he loved her smile. She was beautiful and still in a blissful relaxed state. He wished he could bottle it. He wasn't used to having her so careless seeming.
“You're still here.”
“I am.”
“You kept your promise,” she told him.
Jane nodded. It hurt though. He'd meant it when he'd finally promised her, but now...now he regretted doing so. Though he knew that she'd hate him even if he hadn't made the promise. “I'm not going after him today...”
“He's going to come after us again,” she whispered.
Her green eyes were staring back at him and it sent a shiver down his spine. They were penetrating, like Lisbon could read his thoughts. “I know...”
“We have to find a way to figure out how to get to him first.”
“It's impossible.”
“No,” she whispered. “It's not.”
Jane kept his eyes on her. Watching her. He still wasn’t sure that she was one hundred percent. She was still remembering. Yes, she was remembering things, but she didn’t completely have her complete full memory back. He was still worried. Red John had struck her twice now. And he’d proven more times over that he could just get to her.
“I’m glad you kept your promise,” she said quietly as leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.
Surprised by her actions for a moment, Jane just stared at her. After a moment, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer. He allowed his chin to rest on the top of her head. He pulled in a deep breath and held it for a moment. This was so perfect…
It was forbidden.
He wasn’t supposed to love her.
He wasn’t supposed to love anyone.
Not even himself.
“I-“ he started to mumble and then stayed quiet. He couldn’t bring himself to say what he was going to say. He wanted to tell her, just in case…just in case this was his only chance. What if Red John did kill him? If he was kind, not exactly the right word for him, and spared Lisbon? Shouldn’t she know? Or would it be worse for her? Would she suffer more? Would it just be harder? He moved back so that he could see her face and just stared at her. He tried again. “I-“
“Look at that, Patrick Jane, unable to say what’s on his mind,” she teased lightly with a smile.
He smiled back at her. It was true. He always did have a way with words and normally he always spoke what was on his mind. It was something that drove Lisbon crazy normally. He’d say something completely unexpected that would upset a victim’s family. In the end, it was always in pursuit of justice. In pursuit of a killer and uncovering the truth…even if it was deeply hidden.
“I think it’s your fault,” he finally spoke up, in a complete sentence.
Lisbon shook her head, her smile still in place. “No, you can’t blame this on me. You always speak whenever I don’t want you to. You normally can’t keep your mouth shut! You cannot blame your inability to say whatever you want to say to me on me…”
He stared at her, she was smiling…she seemed happy. For that moment, she was happy. Jane realized that he was happy. They were both happy, but only in that moment. If only this moment would last a lifetime… It seemed like something that was something overly simple, just a moment in time, but that would last on until time ended…but it was something that couldn’t be. He would remember this… The darkness was on the horizon and this would make what would happen easier… It would make it easier for him to give his life in order to save Lisbon’s if he needed to. He could die happy remembering this.
He couldn’t tell her…he couldn’t spill his heart out to her. Not now…. Not like this. He couldn’t risk putting her in such danger.
“I was going to say that I’m glad that I kept my promise as well,” he lied. He wasn’t sure if she’d believe it. So far, she just smiled at him and shook her head again. He liked this. It felt like Lisbon, but to him…she almost seemed like she’d been freed a bit. Freed of some of the weight of the world she carried… He wasn’t sure if it was because her memories weren’t all there and whatever it was just wasn’t on her mind or if it was merely because she was relaxed and she was allowing herself to be happy. If only for a moment.
“Have you ever heard of the saying: Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference?” Lisbon asked Jane.
“I’ve heard of it,” Jane said slowly. He wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this. But he was certainly going to let her tell him in order to find out where this was all going. So, he lay there, staring at her. Just waiting.
“What if we need to do that? What if we need to accept the things we cannot change?” she asked. “What if we can’t capture Red John? What if this is all just some game that we’ll never win.”
Jane stared at her. He could tell she was serious and she was scared. He could see it in her emerald eyes. “I’d rather go with having the courage to change the things I can,” Jane told her honestly. “I don’t think that he’ll keep this up. Eventually more people will die. And I’m afraid that it’s going to be the last people that I care about…” he said, the last part coming out as a pained whisper.
“I can’t believe that you consider us…the team…to be the closest people in your life,” she said quietly.
“And in doing so I’ve put you all in danger,” he told her. “I shouldn’t have…”
“Everyone needs a family, Jane,” Lisbon said.
Her eyes met his and Jane felt the words he wanted to say surface again in the back of his mind. He couldn’t though. He couldn’t bear to speak those words. This wasn’t the time. “No… Not when you get them killed, you don’t need one then. You need to keep your distance from people. You need to isolate yourself…for the good of those around you.”
“You really can’t believe that,” she said.
She sat up and stared at him. She looked worried now. He hadn’t meant to worry her. That was the problem with relationships, you cared about people and in turn they cared about you. It was a vicious circle of love, friendship, and caring. One that Jane had told himself he’d never re-enter and look what he’d done, he’d gone and made himself an accidental family. And now they were all in danger and none of them bothered even listening to him. None of them would heed his warnings.
“I do,” Jane finally said, staring at her and watching the confusion spread farther across her face.
“That’s unacceptable.”
“Excuse me?” he asked as he sat up to face her.
“You heard me,” Lisbon told him. “It’s unacceptable.”
“I heard you, I just don’t understand.”
She reached out and cupped his cheek with her hand. Her eyes were locked on his. “I don’t care if I’m in danger. Caring about people is important. Family is important. You are important, Patrick Jane. I don’t care if caring about you has put my life in danger. It’s no different than how things were before you came along, except you’re one more person that I care about. Killers go after people… Police officers…agents…they get hurt…killed…it’s part of the job, Jane.”
“I don’t care about it being part of the job,” Jane told her. And he didn’t. This wasn’t about the CBI. This wasn’t about Lisbon being an agent. This wasn’t about any of that. This was about how his caring about her had put a death sentence on her head.
“We’re going to find Red John…eventually,” Lisbon told him. “Just remember your promise.”
“He’ll never see your justice,” Jane said quietly. He wouldn’t risk Lisbon’s job. He knew better. Her job was her whole world. He had been working his hardest to do what he does to solve the cases without getting her fired. And if he ever crossed lines, he’d be sure that Lisbon was always in someone’s favor…he would never chance her losing her badge. After all, she was good at what she did… Why take that away?
Lisbon moved in closer, so that she was side by side with him and could rest her head on his shoulder. “At this point, I really don’t care…” she confided quietly.
Jane wasn’t sure whether or not to believe her, but she normally didn’t lie to him. Not about the serious things. “I love you,” he whispered to her. It had just slipped out. It was the truth. The awful, dangerous, deadly truth. He’d confessed his love for her.
“What?” she whispered and moved to look at him.
He watched her, silent. He could see her searching his eyes. She’d heard him, but he’d allow her to process it. After all, such a declaration deserved a few moments to really take in. He loved Teresa Lisbon. If she was willing to put her life on the line, help him, and possibly put her own beloved career on the line then he figured that she deserved to know the truth. The truth that he’d been hiding from her.
“Jane-“ she started to argue.
“Is it that hard for you to believe me?” he asked, still staring at her. He knew that the confession might have come at a surprise, but he hoped that she shared his feelings. Though, if she didn’t, at least he got his out now. Before he could regret never telling her. She deserved to know.
…
CBI Headquarters
“So, I heard that there’s been another Red John murder,” Jane said as he entered Lisbon’s office. So, he hadn’t really heard it as in he was supposed to hear it. He was more pretending to sleep and overhearing conversations that Rigsby and Cho were having. He would have thought that they’d know better, but apparently he was very convincing when he was lying on his couch with his eyes shut.
“Are you pretending to sleep again, but really listening to other people talk?” she asked.
Jane smiled brightly. “I’m so glad that you’re remembering!”
She rolled her eyes in response and looked disgusted. “Remember when I said that I was probably going to be irritated later? Well, it’s later and I’m feeling the irritation building up…”
He could tell that she didn’t truly mean it. She wasn’t really mad at him. Jane sat down across from her. Things between them had been a bit tense all day, but Jane had tried to act as normal as possible. She’d seemed confused and unsure as to how to respond. He hadn’t been surprised, but he (so far) hadn’t regretted telling her.
“You know we’re off the Red John cases-“
“I know! Minelli’s orders!” Jane said.
“If they somehow end up with a lead, though,” she said quietly as she continued to look over papers. “I’ve already been assured that I’ll be informed.”
“Oh?”
“I promised that you wouldn’t go after him alone, remember?”
He smiled brightly. “I do!”
…
TBC…