"Suffering is the Best Punishment" - Chapter 15

[shannyfish]

Title: Suffering is the Best Punishment
Author: Shannon - shannyfish
Disclaimer: I do not own “The Mentalist” or its characters, CBS does.  This is merely for entertainment purposes only. 
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Takes Place during Season Two.  Red John attacks Jane using his own twisted type of psychological warfare.
Warning: Severe spoilers for season one.

Chapter 15 - “Relief is Not Possible”

Author’s Note: So, my laptop has been in the shop for a month now.  My boyfriend was kind enough to buy me a new computer (a Mac and it's pink! yay!).  Obviously the service center is not concerned about my readers…or my sanity, which is so wrong.  I absolutely adore "Red Badge," and hopefully everyone enjoys this long coming installment!  Any odd formatting I blame on this new application! LOL!  Hopefully this doesn't come out as scatterbrained as I currently feel…if it does, I'll re-write!

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“Sorrow comes to all...Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again.”- Abraham Lincoln

Hospital

Minelli had released the lock down and they were free to leave, though he was having them all followed.  But none of them were ready to leave yet.  They were awaiting the time where they could go in and see Van Pelt and Rigsby.  They were both still in the ICU and still unconscious.  Jane felt horrible.  This was all his fault.  Not only Van Pelt and Rigsby, but Cho and Lisbon as well.

“Minelli says we’re off the Red John case…for now,” Lisbon said quietly.

He’d been standing outside of the ICU room that both Van Pelt and Rigsby were located in, his eyes staring through the glass.  “None of it matters,” Jane found himself saying.  It was true, but it wasn’t.  The only thing that currently mattered was that everyone was safe, that everyone pulled through.  Rigsby and Van Pelt needed to be released from the hospital and Lisbon needed to be kept safe.  He wasn’t too worried about Cho.  Cho always seemed able to take care of himself.

“It’s probably for the best, Jane,” she told him.

“I know.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Jane said and turned towards her.  She looked like hell.  “I won’t allow you to end up injured because of me.”

“Jane-”

“Don’t argue,” he told her a bit angrily.  “We would have never gotten into that accident if I hadn’t run off to let Red John kill me.  Rigsby and Van Pelt wouldn’t be laying there barely hanging on if I hadn’t been so stupid.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

Lisbon sighed and looked down.

“You know that it wasn’t Dumar in the ER, Lisbon,” he said quietly.  He’d been worrying about her.  When she’d first said that she’d heard the name ‘Dumar’ and then coupled with her freaking out in the ER because she thought she’d seen him, Jane knew to be worried.  He didn’t doubt that she heard the name.  Red John was most likely coming after them in revenge for Dumar’s death.

“I know that,” Lisbon said quietly.  “And now I feel stupid about earlier…”

“Don’t worry about it.  You’ll probably never see those nurses or doctors again,” Jane told her.  “And plus, you’d lost blood and I’m pretty sure being in a car accident and being scared is a good reason to freak out on someone.”

She just stared at him.

“I want both of you out of here,” Minelli’s voice interrupted them from behind.

“I’d rather wait until they wake up,” Lisbon argued as she turned towards Minelli.

“You both need sleep, I have officers standing by to escort you both home.”

“Jane won’t stay there,” Lisbon said quickly and pointed back at him.

He didn’t argue.  She was right.  Jane just stayed silent and waited for Minelli’s orders.  He really didn’t want to be separated from Lisbon, but he wasn’t sure if she’d go for allowing him to sleep on her couch again…though it was a better option than her sleeping at his place.

“He will if there’s an officer outside,” Minelli said.

“Like that’s going to stop me,” Jane teased with a smile.  He looked over to Lisbon.  “I say we have a sleep over.”

“Excuse me,” Lisbon said confused suddenly.

“I’ll sleep on your couch,” Jane told her.  “That way you can watch me and Minelli can have an officer outside.  It’s a win-win situation.”

“Lisbon?” Minelli asked.

“It’s fine,” she said with a sigh.

“It will be less personnel,” Minelli conceded.  “Officer Daniels is going to escort you both to Lisbon’s then.  He’ll stay on until the morning and will be replaced by Anders.”  He waved the officer over.

…………………………

Lisbon’s Residence

“I saw it you know,” Lisbon said as she dropped her keys.

“Saw what?” Jane asked.  He knew she was exhausted.  So far, she had only been making some sense, but not as much as she normally meant.

“You never had Red John’s calling sign washed off of your wall,” Lisbon accused.  “I went upstairs to make sure that you weren’t up there still…”

Jane was upset but also ashamed.  She probably thought that he was insane. He was surprised that she hadn’t said anything to Minelli either.  It had been something that he’d kept to remind him of Red John, what Red John had done to his life…to his family, and as a reminder of what could happen to others.  It was part of his need for revenge.

“It has to be hard,” she said quietly.  “Living there…especially with that reminder.”

She definitely thought that he was insane.  He slept in the same room that his wife and child were killed along with his calling card kept on the wall in their blood.  Jane didn’t have to ask her, he knew what she thought.  The look in her eyes, her expression…but she wasn’t lecturing or harsh…she was softening…somehow.  He didn’t respond though.  He just stared back at her.

He watched a frown develop on her face, like she was concerned about hurting him.  Jane didn’t understand why she worried so much…  Lisbon had seemed softer towards him somehow since she had started to remember.  At least she’d seemed to have remembered life before.  He wasn't sure how to respond to her, so instead he changed the subject and hoped that she'd humor him.  "How are you feeling?"

The look she gave him conveyed to him that she really wasn't pleased, but she responded just the same.

"I've been better," Lisbon told him.  "Look, if you don't want to talk about Red John--"  She turned to leave, but didn't get far.

"Lisbon," Jane said as he reached out and grabbed her arm.  It wasn't like that at all and he struggled to keep his emotions in check and to figure out the correct words.  "I don't…"  He paused and tried to control his emotions.  It felt like he'd been doing nothing but acting out of emotions for some time.  His heart had been in overdrive in protection mode.  His heart had been in overdrive in other areas as well…  Teresa Lisbon, the woman his heart had allowed for him to love…  His life had been shaken upside down and now he felt like what he was about to say was going to shake it all the more…and shake hers as well.  He hadn't wanted to tell her.  Jane doubted she felt the same way.  Sure, she put up with him, but that wasn't love.  "I don't want to lose you like I lost them…" he managed to get out, though his voice was soft and quiet.  His eyes were on her, watching and waiting.

"What?" she whispered back.

He could hear shock and confusion in her voice and he wasn't surprised.  After all, he just compared her to his wife and child, who had been the two sole diamonds in his world before her.  "Never mind," he whispered back and looked away from her.  He didn't want to dwell on it.  It wasn't important right now.  He moved into Lisbon's space further and looked around.  "It's okay if I sleep on the couch again, right?" he asked and looked over his shoulder at her.  She hadn't moved and was looking back at him oddly.

"What do you mean, Jane?"

He knew what she meant, but Jane pretended that she was actually referring to his previous question.  "The couch.  I can take it, right?"

"Don't play these games with me," she said.

Jane just stared back at her and then frowned when her hand went up to her head and her eyes closed.  Something was wrong.  He waited for a second and when she didn't continue with her frustrations, he moved to her with concern. "Lisbon?"

"My head just hurts," she told him.  "You can sleep on the couch, that's fine," she added after a moment and moved past him.

"Lisbon."

She didn't stop though and he worried.  Not only for her health, but for her feelings as well.  He hadn't meant to upset her.  Jane didn't want to come out and tell her things that he was still discovering.  Now was not the time for that.  There would be time later…he hoped at least.

"Lisbon."

He followed her to her bedroom and watched as she climbed into bed and pulled a blanket around her.  He suddenly realized that if he was quiet he could hear her crying ever so softly.  If he knew Lisbon, she was hoping that he'd give up and leave her alone.  He wasn't going to do that.  Not when she was in pain or hurt.  Jane ventured into the bedroom and approached slowly.  He wanted to be able to make a quick retreat if necessary.

"Teresa?" he called softly.  "What's wrong?  Something I said--"

"My head just hurts."

Jane frowned.  The doctors had cleared her, but Jane wondered if she had a severe concussion and they just weren't catching it.  "Do you want some water or something?" he asked as he tried to peer at her to get a better look at her.  He could hear her sniffling.

"That would be nice," Lisbon responded.

He quickly left her to get a glass of water.  It took him a few minutes to go through the cabinets until he found the glasses and then returned back to her.  She'd moved, Lisbon was now sitting up and had a bottle of Motrin in her hand and was shaking out bright orange pills into the palm of her hand.  He watched as she got two and then forced the rest back into the bottle before setting it beside her bed.  He held out the glass and released it once she took it.  He watched as she downed the pills and the water along with it.  He just hoped that they'd kick in and do the job.

"I'm not going to tell Minelli or anyone about that, you know," she whispered.

His eyes were on her, but her eyes were straight ahead.  "I didn't think you would," he responded back.

"Why not?" she asked suddenly, her voice filled with irritation.

He grinned at her, at least her spirit was intact.  "I didn't think I'd pissed you off that much yet."

"Well, we've been in a car accident and practically held hostage, I think I'd have good reason if I wanted."

"True."

"Jane, promise me something," Lisbon begged.

Jane stared at her.  He was afraid to say that word.  Promise.  He wasn't sure if he could be bound by it depending on what she asked.  After all, if it was to leave Red John be then he couldn't do it.  He still had to avenge the deaths of his wife and daughter.  And now, with everything…he couldn't stand Red John living.  Not with him targeting those he loved so dearly.  "As long as it's not something I can't promise, Lisbon."

Her eyes moved to his and he could see sadness.  Jane wasn't sure if it was over everything that had happened or if it was merely from his response.  But he wasn't lying.  He was telling her the truth and he hoped that she understood that,  After all, what would lying accomplish between the two of them?

"Promise not to go after Red John again without me."

He blinked.

"Promise."

"Lisbon--"

"Jane--"

"Lisbon--"

They just stared at each other for a long time and Jane didn't know what to say.  He really hated the idea of flat out lying to her.  Jane couldn't trust himself to promise her such a thing since he knew that he wouldn't be able to handle going up to Red John with Lisbon at his side.  He'd be too afraid that she'd be killed.  That Red John would kill her right in front of her.

"Forget it," she brushed off and turned back over on her side.

"Lisbon--"

"Just go sleep on the couch, Jane."

..……………………………….

Hospital

"How long is this going to go on?" Jane asked.

He and Lisbon had been at the hospital for two hours now, just waiting for Rigsby and Van Pelt to wake up and they'd just sat in silence the whole time.  He'd broken it, Jane was tired of the silence.  It was heartbreaking and cruel.  He'd only not promised what she'd asked because he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep his promise.  He noticed immediately when her gaze moved from the magazine she'd been looking over to his face.  She looked irritated, but he wasn't surprised.  Jane figured that if their positions were reversed that he'd feel the same, so he couldn't blame her.

"Apparently it stops now," she said quietly.

"Lisbon, please--"

"I don't want to talk about it, Jane."

"I'm only trying to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me."

"I won't just stand by and watch you die."

"You saved my life once, I'm sure you could do it again if need be," Lisbon told him.

"That's not the same," Jane argued.

"God…will you two stop arguing?" Rigsby said and let out a moan.

Jane's eyes snapped to Rigsby's bed as he stirred.  Rigsby moaned again and Jane got up immediately to go retrieve the nurse.  He was worried about the pain.  The doctors weren't sure when Rigsby and Van Pelt would wake up and in what condition they'd be in, so he thought it important to get the nurse straight away.

They were quickly ushered out of the room and cut off from any visual observation of the ICU room.

"He's awake, that's a really good sign," Lisbon said.

Jane turned to her, she was still facing the blinded window.  "He was yelling at us, that's probably an even better sign," Jane told her.

"They're strong," Lisbon said.  "They'll both pull through."

"I know that.  I'm just not sure that the rest of us are strong enough."

"Lisbon," Jane started and then reached out and turned her towards him.  He reached out and lightly stroked her cheek.  He watched as her face softened and her eyes closed.  Lisbon looked close to crying, it broke his heart.  "I promise," he whispered.  He meant it.  After all, Lisbon was the one with the gun.  He was sure that he'd probably need a gun and the last time he'd shot a gun…he'd saved Lisbon, but it had scared the hell out of him.  Jane didn't like killing someone, but Red John was definitely an exception.  He would be happy to kill Red John with his bare hands.

"What?"

Her eyes opened and she turned her face upward.  "I promise to take you with me when I go after Red John next."  He knew that it would hurt to take her, to think that she could be in danger because of him, but it was the only way.  He needed to have this alliance with Lisbon.  It was in the interest of them both.  Jane needed Lisbon, more than she knew…and he thought maybe even more than he knew.

"You're just saying that," Lisbon brushed off and turned away from him.

"I'm not just saying that," Jane argued.  "I mean it.  After all, we usually make a pretty good team."

"You better mean it," she told him, her eyes never leaving his.

"I do," Jane promised.

And he meant it.

..…..……………………..

Lisbon Residence

What he had promised had been hard.  He knew now he'd have to keep it, but he didn't like it.  He knew that seeing her die in front of him…because of him…would bring him possibly even more sorrow than he'd already had to endure with the loss of his wife and daughter if that was possible.  He'd agreed to stay at Lisbon's and behave himself, but Lisbon hadn't spoken to him much since the hospital.  Rigsby was doing well, though Van Pelt had yet to regain consciousness.  Jane wondered if that was making it all the more harder for Lisbon to relax.  There was no relief, not until Red John was gone.

It was late and he sighed as he couldn't find a comfortable spot on the couch.  He got to his feet and started to pad to Lisbon's bedroom, just to peek in on her, to ensure that she was okay.  He peeked and at first he thought she was asleep, but then her voice told her otherwise.

"You can't sleep either?"

Jane smiled a bit as he entered the bedroom.  "No."

"You know you can sleep here if you want," Lisbon told him patting the empty side of her large bed.

"Somehow I don't think that that's appropriate."

"We're both adults…and there's room," Lisbon told him.  "I just figured that you may be uncomfortable.  It's not the same couch you're used to napping on at CBI."

He smirked and entered further.  "I'm glad to see that you're talking to me."

She shrugged in response.  "I figure we can't go without talking for too long."

He waited for a moment as he weighed the decision.  Having close contact with Lisbon was something that he desperately wanted, but at the same time he knew that it could make things harder…possibly on both of them.  He'd never planned any of this.  That didn't make it any better.  Jane sighed quietly and sat down on the bed next to her and couldn't help but smile at her.  "You'd miss me," he teased and then quickly added.  "And I'd miss your voice."

"Oh yeah?  I'll keep that in mind."

"You should really sleep you know," Jane told her.

"Lecturing me, huh?"

He shrugged and moved so that he was under the sheet and blanket as well and under enough that his head could lay comfortably on the pillow.  He reached out and pulled her closer to him, allowing her head to use his clothed chest as a pillow.  His arm tucked her into place and kept her safely there.  "Are you having nightmares?" he asked quietly.  He knew that she was still recovering from the car accident herself, let alone from recovering her memory and her sight (again).  Lisbon needed to heal just as much as Rigsby and Van Pelt did, the doctors just didn't see it necessary to keep her hospitalized.  Jane thought it was most likely a wise choice on their part.

"No."

"Liar."

"They're not nightmares," she defended.   "They're just…memories…"

"What memories?" he asked.  Jane could feel that she was relaxing in his arms.  It felt so good, like the world had stopped turning.  It felt like the relief they'd been wishing for had finally washed over their world.  It was farce, but it was still something he fully intended on engulfing himself in until he had to face the harsh reality of Red John again.

"Different ones…"

"Red John."

"Ones pertaining to the Red John case, yes," she allowed.

Jane frowned and kissed her forehead.  He tucked her head under his chin and thought for a moment.  Maybe this was what they both needed.  A warm body.  It didn't have to be sex, it could just be this.  This simple gesture.  Being there for the other.  "Close your eyes," he instructed.

"Why?"

"Trust me," he told her and he wanted a moment before continuing.  "You're on the beach."

"Why am I there?"

He smiled and closed his eyes and tried to envision the beach.  "Shhh…it doesn't matter.  You're there.  See it.  The ocean is blue…"

"Not in California then."

It was true and he couldn't help but laugh, but then continued after a moment.  "The sky is bright and cloudless, the sun is out but the head is manageable.  The sand is clean under your feet as you walk along it barefoot.  You pull in a deep breath and take in the salty fresh air.  It's refreshing.  No one else is on the beach, but you.  It's quiet and peaceful."  He wasn't trying to hypnotize her.  Jane just wanted her to relax enough to sleep.  "You walk towards the water and let your feet get wet.  You continue to walk parallel to the water, but allow your feet to get wet in the process.  Your footprints are left behind in the moist sand.  You see some friends a ways off.  You're meeting them for a picnic.  They're waving at you, happy to see you.  You wave back at them and walk towards them…"

After a minute of silence, he checked on her and found her asleep.  He smiled at her and then kissed her forehead again.  "Goodnight, Teresa," he whispered before closing his eyes again and allowing the beach vision to fill his head and take him away to sleep as well.

..…..…………………..

TBC….