Fic: In a Family Way (1/6)
Author: puddle_of_goo
Wordcount: 44,000
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Sheppard/McKay
Summary: When a group of baby squid imprint on Rodney McKay, John Sheppard discovers something about family and himself he previously discounted as important.
Warning(s): non-consenusal mind control
Notes: Much thanks to Chaps and Pepi for their betas.
Companion piece to Mr. Woolsey vs. the Squids that Loved Rodney McKay.
In a Family Way
John Sheppard-Lt. Colonel in the US Air Force and military commander of the city of Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy-was bored.
He was a space explorer and the defender of more people than he was realistically comfortable with especially when you included all the stray societies he was particularly good at bringing into the fold. And he was currently sitting on the native equivalent of a park bench, with absolutely nothing to do.
They were on this planet because the people here were long-standing allies of Atlantis, and the irrigation system the science team had installed for them six months ago was going, to use a technical term, wonky.
His team was primarily first contact, with other teams taking over for any kinds of long-term negotiations, and usually one of McKay's staff members would be out here making the repairs.
But the usual man for the job had gone and broken his ankle playing rugby of all things, so Elizabeth Weir, the expedition's leader, had asked McKay if he could run out and fix the irrigation since this planet provided the closest alternative to coffee they had found yet, and no one wanted to piss them off by delaying.
Plus, the coffee crops might go short if they weren't watered properly. It was really in everyone's best interest that the irrigation was fixed as soon as possible.
So while McKay was fixing the shit that had broken, Teyla Emmagen was doing her magic negotiation stuff trying to get them a bigger share of the crop in exchange for fixing the thing, and Ronon Dex was, for reasons unknown, a huge hit with the kids on this planet and was currently in the square being crawled all over while playing what John would call "horsey".
However, that left John to himself, sitting on the park bench with nothing to do.
"Staring at me is not going to make me work any faster," McKay grumbled without looking up from where he was hunched over one of the connections. He was still tracing the lines and checking each and every connection before he started taking anything apart.
"I'm bored."
"Oh, so that's what the huffing and the staring is all about. Go seduce an alien priestess or something."
John rolled his eyes. "Why are you always so intent on getting me laid by some random priestess? I would think you'd be more worried I'd get space herpes or something."
McKay shrugged and shifted to look at the joint better. "Keller has good drugs that can take care of that and it would stop you from staring at me."
"Maybe I like staring at you better than seducing women I don't know. You do realize the only person I've slept with since we walked through the gate was the few times you and I got together, right?"
McKay snorted, half crawling around the irrigation pipe. "Right."
"Why is that so hard to believe?"
"You've looked at yourself, right?" McKay said, glancing up at John for a beat before reaching for a tool. "If you're celibate then there's no chance in hell of me getting laid in the next century and just thinking about that makes me tense and angry, so..."
John rolled his eyes again. "I didn't say I hadn't been propositioned, just that I hadn't taken anyone else up on it. You have nothing to worry about, McKay. If you actually paid attention, you'd know at least half the base wants to be in your bed."
McKay let out a harsh laugh. "Right. Okay, this one is fine. I'm moving upstream," he said, picking up his tools and climbing to his feet. "This is going to take a while, you know. You don't have to babysit me."
Shrugging, John stood up to follow him. "This is a boring planet, and you are currently the only source of amusement in several light years."
"Great," McKay said dryly, rolling his eyes. "You could always go and get me lunch."
"Again, not nearly as interesting as listening to you curse at primitive machines and your staff for installing them."
"It's just going to take me longer the more I stop for breaks. We're what, thirty minutes from the town? Round trip and then add in resting once I get there... We're talking about at least two hours of time round-trip that could be better put to use actually fixing the damn thing I came here to fix." McKay glared at John. "And it's not like you're actually helping me at all."
John took out a PowerBar and tossed it over. "How's that?"
McKay scowled at it. "That's not what I had in mind."
John sighed. "You want me to just walk away and leave you alone on an alien planet to get you a snack. Seriously. What happened to that famous self-preservation thing?"
"There are no large man-eating creatures around. You know that. We've been here twenty times." McKay rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine. Just...hover away from me. You're annoying me."
John sighed. McKay was right, and frankly, he needed to move. "What do you want from the village? And I swear to Christ if you get yourself kidnapped, eaten, shot or otherwise harmed while out of my sight, I will make it my life's mission to find a way to resurrect you so I can kill you myself."
McKay glanced at him with a deepening scowl. "I said the PowerBar was fine."
"I decided I need a walk, so I might as well get you something while I'm gone. Just please... do me a favor and don't do anything stupid until I get back."
"So go patrol. I'm going to go up to the source water. Maybe it's just a clog or something up there. All the downstream pipes seem to be fine."
"Rodney, stop being a dick and tell me what you want. Otherwise I'm just going to follow you around and be as annoying as I can possibly be for the rest of the day."
"I want Henderson to be here tromping through this damn field finding the broken part of the irrigation system from hell. I want unlimited amounts of coffee and chocolate. I want a bed that doesn't kill my back. I want to not worry if I can't fix the next big problem to crop up on a 10,000 year old city." He glanced at John, his expression bitter and tired. "I can go on if you want."
John was surprised at the sudden urge to pull the other man into his arms. They had only slept together a handful of times, and it had been casual, so the sudden rush of emotion was not expected. Instead, he let his expression soften. "If I could, I would give you all of it. But right now, the best I can do is a really good snack and a big cup of not-coffee. Will that work?"
McKay shrugged, looking away. "You're going to do whatever you want, so just...do whatever you want."
John thought about asking why McKay always seemed so intent on making him the bad guy. But he just sighed instead. "I'll be back in under an hour. Stay out of trouble and radio if you need anything."
"Yes, yes. I know how to use the radio," McKay mumbled, the anger already gone from his voice.
Oh, he heard about the displeasure and took his share of verbal abuse-giving as good as he got-but unlike others, McKay always let it go as soon as the conversation was over. He wasn't sure why that was important to him, but he decided not to think about it.
"Don't do anything stupid!" McKay called out after him.
"I promise, no alien priestesses!" John called back, and then jogged out of range before McKay could retaliate.
It took a good twenty minutes to reach the village, the bustling town eagerly drawing him in.
He wandered over to the small house where they usually traded for snacks. He pulled out a few of the small coins the science team had made them for trading on worlds like this one. "Hello?"
The man behind the counter-Alton-if John remembered correctly, glanced up. "Colonel, how can I help you?" McKay was convinced that this was a precursor to the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Starbucks. John hated to admit it, but it was close to the truth.
He set out his coins. "I have a hungry and thirsty scientist out fixing your irrigation system. Can you give me something good that won't kill him? You know his allergies."
"I have a new batch of sweet breads in the oven. Perhaps you would like to wait for those to be ready?" Alton said. "I can make one of my special drinks while you wait-even throw in one for you as well."
John smiled. "That would be perfect, as long as the wait isn't too long." This particular planet just thought he was indulgent with his need to protect his team. He was also pretty sure half of them thought he and Rodney were an item.
"It will be a short wait, so please sit and rest." Alton turned to move into the back of the shop to prepare the beverage. "Hot or cold, Colonel?"
"Cold for both. By the time I'd get back out there, they'd be cold anyway."
"Of course, of course," he said, ducking into the other room.
John leaned against a wall and looked outside. It was strange. He knew he should feel peaceful here, of all places, but he could never really shake his tense muscles when he was off world.
The scent of almost-coffee started to drift from the small back room.
It was pretty heavenly. John wondered if they could convince Elizabeth to let them start a Not-Starbucks chain in Atlantis.
He'd invite Alton there without hesitation. The drinks he made were probably better than what you could get at a Starbucks. John was actually surprised that most Pegasus natives weren't addicted to the stuff. If Rodney could get away with a daily "almost-coffee" run here, he would.
When everything was ready, John packed the snacks carefully in his vest and took a coffee in each hand. He sipped his own, and made a happy noise. "If you ever decide to relocate, I get first dibs."
Alton chuckled. "Your Doctor McKay has invited me many times to your city, but I have no desire to leave. It is...fulfilling here."
"And you can charge us more if you know we're willing to cross the galaxy for your stuff. You're turning us into junkies." John grinned.
"It is my pleasure to provide you with these delicacies. I am pleased you and Doctor McKay enjoy them."
John laughed again. "We'll be back. Thanks. I better get this to him before he starts bitching at me on the radio for taking too long."
"Of course, Colonel. Enjoy and may you return again."
John strolled out, starting back for where he had left McKay.
About halfway there he started getting weird static, as if someone was trying to reach him on the radio.
Stopping, John set the almost-coffees on the ground and tapped his radio. "This is Sheppard. Anyone out there? I'm getting static."
He waited for a long moment, holding his breath. Just as he was bending down to get the almost-coffees he heard it again. "....stupid...did you go..."
He was running before it was finished. "McKay. I'm on my way."
John got several other bursts of static, McKay's exclamations in the clear sections. He sounded frantic but annoyed. It was weird.
It took him half the amount of time to get back to where he had left McKay then it had taken him to leave. He started trying to locate him immediately. "McKay? Where the fuck are you?"
He waited for the scientist to reply even as his eyes scanned the horizon. McKay said he was heading to the source water...which meant the lake. Damn. He still has a ways to go.
Taking a guess, John started for the lake in an all out run, all his senses on high alert.
"Get off me! Off! Off! Blood-sucking...."
He put on another burst of speed and came around a corner in the path with his gun out and pointed. "McKay!"
At first he didn't see anything except McKay's tool box and then the scientist erupted out of the water, shaking and yelling and doing some strange jig-until he slipped and went under again.
John didn't even think about it. He was in the water trying to get a hand on McKay to yank him out.
McKay came up sputtering. "Get them off! Off!" he yelled even as he tried to pull his clothes off to get at something-something John didn't see. Until he saw a lump move under the wet fabric of McKay's pant leg.
John hauled him onto the bank and started stripping him. He didn't even realize he had pulled his knife and was cutting the clothing off Rodney until he noticed in passing the shreds of fabric. "Hold still! I need to get to whatever is hurting you!"
"Get them off!" McKay yelled. "Get them off now!" He was digging at his arms and legs and ignoring John as he tried to stop whatever it was from crawling anywhere else on his body.
He gave up trying to be nice about it and just ripped the clothes off Rodney's body in record time.
John spotted the... He stopped, his mouth gaping open. It was some kind of...squid? It was roughly the size of a golf ball and there were four of them, eagerly crawling up McKay's body leaving a trail of red suck marks behind.
"What the fucking hell are those?"
"I don't know," McKay answered, his voice shaking. "Just get them off!"
John moved carefully. They didn't seem to be hurting him, just shaking him up, so John tried to use his knife to get underneath them to pry them off.
"Please," McKay said, his hands cupping himself. "Get them off me. Sheppard..."
They were avoiding his knife, so he abandoned it and started trying to catch them with his bare hands. "What the hell are they and where did they come from?"
"Near the intake valves...was checking the intake mechanism and I felt something on my leg..." McKay said, visibly trying to calm himself down-the hand flailing had stopped-but he kept twitching every time the mini squid moved.
They had all more or less stopped moving, but John was having a hell of a time pulling the first one off. "Is it hurting you at all?"
"What does it matter?" McKay asked, his eyes going wide as they focused up at John. "They don't belong on my body. Get them off!"
"I'm working on it, but I'm trying to decide if I should risk trying to shoot them off you. If they aren't hurting you, I can save that for a last-ditch effort."
"No shooting!"
"Okay, then just hold still and try not to move." John retrieved his knife.
One of the squid things opened its eyes-they took up like the entire head-thing-and then let out a high pitched squeal. Rodney screamed a moment later. "Stop! No knife! No knife!"
John froze. "Rodney?"
"Now it hurts..."
"Tell me what they're doing to you, Rodney. I need to know so I can figure out the best way to get them off without causing you any more pain."
"They were like mobile hickey machines until you started brandishing that knife and they saw it. They bit down!" Under one of the mini squids on McKay's thigh, a thin line of red started running down the side of his leg.
"Christ." John put the knife away. "How aware are they, McKay? Do they understand us?"
"I don't know," he said with a whimper, his hands still protecting the family jewels. "It's not like they're talking to me. You heard it scream a second before it took a chunk out of my leg."
"Okay." John looked at the squid things. "If you... squid... can understand me, you need to let go of Rodney and climb down, otherwise, I'm going to have to find a way to remove you."
"Stop talking to the...squid! Did you say squid?" McKay half rolled, looking down at the one on his leg he could see.
"They sort of look like squid. And I'm just trying to give them a chance if they are sentient. They aren't hurting you, so I'd rather not be forced to kill them if I don't have to. But you come first, so I will do whatever is necessary if they won't release you."
"And what if killing them brings mom? What then?"
"Then I'll deal with Mom. I will not leave these things on you, Rodney. They will come off, one way or another."
McKay rolled back down, lying flat on the ground. "As long as you don't brandish your knife they haven't hurt me. I just...really want them off."
"I don't blame you." John knelt next to him and focused on the closest squid. "Okay. You are coming off now, Blue."
"Don't start naming them!"
"I'm not naming, them, I'm calling them by their color. If they are aware, I want them to know I don't want to hurt them since they haven't hurt you. But that I am serious about them coming off."
"You're splitting hairs. You're naming them," McKay's voice was headed toward the higher pitch range again. The red fella was on the move, apparently, creeping up toward his crotch.
"Okay, Red, none of that now." John decided to take the movement as way to get them off. He got hold and pulled in the direction the thing had been moving, hoping to use some of the momentum.
After a fair bit of tugging-and some whimpering screams from McKay-Red let go with a pop. John held him up, the squid's huge eyes blinking up at him. After a moment, John put him down on the edge of the bank and he shuffled his way back into the water.
"Okay, one down, Four to go." It took him the better part of an hour to remove the other three.
By the time John was finished, McKay was shivering with cold. The sun was starting to set and it wasn't exactly summertime. And thanks to John, McKay was far less clothed than he should have been.
McKay had finally fallen silent about halfway through the removal procedure. While it had been nice-in the non-panicking sense-John's own sense of worry started skyrocketing. A complaining McKay was a fine McKay. A silent one wasn't good.
As soon as the last squid was back in the water, John stripped off his TAC vest and took off his shirt, handing it to McKay. Then he stripped out of his pants and handed those over as well, keeping his boxers and putting his vest back on.
"Sheppard..." McKay protested quietly as he held John's shirt. "You need this."
"Put it on." John shrugged his gear back into place. "The shirt and the pants. I cut yours off you instead of just removing it, so I can share mine."
"There's no way your pants will fit me."
"Yes, they will." John gave him a small smile. "You're thinner than you think, and I'm fatter than you think. They might not fit perfectly, but they'll do until we can get back to Atlantis."
"No."
John sighed. "Just put the damn clothes on. You have squid hickeys all over you, and I seriously doubt you want to have to explain that to the entire base. Keller will be bad enough."
"I'll take the shirt," McKay said, tossing the pants back at John.
"I'm not taking the pants back. You can wear them, or go back with your cock hanging out. Your choice."
"My boxers are fine."
"Your boxers are falling off since I sliced them in a few places and will probably not make it back on the walk to the gate." John sighed. "Do you have to argue with me on everything? I'm trying to help, Rodney. I know you would be uncomfortable if you walked back on base in your boxers with squid hickeys all over you, including on your inner thighs. If you're wearing my pants, there will be talk, but it won't be nearly as bad."
"Ronon might have something I can borrow. Or one of the villagers," McKay said as he pulled John's shirt over his head-hiding the squid hickeys on his chest.
John was suddenly tired. He didn't know why that made his chest hurt. "You'd rather wear anyone else's but mine."
"You're not walking back to Atlantis naked!"
"I have my boxers on, and my TAC vest. And I'm not covered in squid hickeys."
"Put on your damn pants," McKay said, shifting to climb to his feet.
"No. You wear them, or I leave them here."
McKay turned a tight-lipped glare at him before turning his back and moving to the water's edge to grab his tool box.
"Please don't get any more squid stuck to you."
"What does it matter?" McKay knelt down in the mud, picking up the tools that had fallen out.
John licked his lips. "Because if I have to spend any more time running my hands over your body, I'm going to give you a completely different reason to be pissed at me." John blinked. "Christ, I can't believe I just admitted that out loud."
"Admitted what?" McKay glanced over his shoulder, confusion on his face. Apparently he hadn't been listening. John wasn't sure if that was good ro bad.
John had to swallow hard. What the fuck was he thinking? "I... never mind."
McKay shook his head and sighed as he finished putting his tools away. Several of them were coated in mud, but he jammed them in the carrier anyway. It just proved how out of it he was.
John took a deep breath and walked over, putting a hand over Rodney's. "You'll be pissed later when you get back and realize what you're doing."
"Doesn't matter. Got mud in there when I was...flailing around." McKay' tilted the tool box so John could see inside-and the drying globs of mud. He sighed. "See. Doesn't matter."
John made a face. "All right."
"Can we just...go?"
"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here."
The next day when a new repair team was sent out to fix the irrigation system, they discovered it was in perfect working condition.
***
Six Weeks Later
Rodney was elbows deep in the city's desalination plant machinery when he got a call from Mister Woolsey asking for his immediate attendance in his office. He begged off, but Woolsey insisted, and he managed to get a twenty-minute window to clean up and grab a cup of coffee from the mess.
Sheppard was already ensconced in one of Woolsey's chairs when he finally arrived thirty minutes after the initial call. "Yes, what? What was so important that you couldn't discuss it over the radio?" He pinned Sheppard and Woolsey with a look.
Woolsey cleared his throat. "We have had an... interesting.... call from our trading partners on PX5-227."
Rodney stared at Woolsey waiting for the rest, but it wasn't forth coming. "And? Therefore? I care about this why?"
Woolsey leaned forward and templed his fingers. "That's the planet where you went, six weeks ago, to fix the irrigation systems. Apparently, there was something you and Colonel Sheppard left out of that report."
"Left out?" Rodney pinned Sheppard with a look.
John shrugged. "I didn't think it was important since all they did was leave hickeys."
Rodney narrowed his eyes. "Is this about the squid? I didn't leave anything out of the report. How could I? I was covered in hickeys for days and I walked into the gateroom in less coverage than I was comfortable with."
Woolsey cleared his throat to get their attention. "Apparently the, ah, squid, as you call them, are demanding that their... mother... return to collect them."
"Their what!"
"They are, apparently, quite distraught that you haven't returned for them, and our very good allies are upset that we didn't mention the incident or return for them."
"They tried to eat me!" He waved his hands at Sheppard. "You explain it since you apparently forgot to mention it in your report."
"You have already acknowledged, and Colonel Sheppard confirmed before you arrived, that, for the most part, they seemed to just want to cling to you, and caused no damaged beyond the.... hickeys."
Rodney turned back to Woolsey. "So what's the big deal?"
Woolsey sighed. "They have grown in size and arrived in the town quite upset. Apparently they have the ability to communicate, which, if I'm reading this correctly, they picked up from you and Colonel Sheppard in your encounter. They view you, Doctor McKay, as the first being they encountered after hatching, as their mother and wish to be reunited with you."
Sighing, Rodney rubbed a hand over his face as he turned back to the Colonel. "I told you not to name them."
"I was calling them by their colors so you'd know which ones I was pulling off next. That's not naming."
"You named them!"
"Blue isn't a name!"
"And you called the other one Red. You addressed them! You talked to them!" Rodney knew his voice was rising in pitch and right now he didn't care. There were...squid things out there looking for him. If they'd grown any bigger he'd probably end up as their dinner and not just as a chew toy.
Woolsey cleared his throat. "I have been assured that they are not dangerous creatures. I would like your team to personally return to the planet to handle this matter and get it resolved in a way that will be satisfactory to everyone involved."
"Resolved?" Rodney asked as he swung back to Woolsey. "How do you suggest we resolve it?"
"I would stress that it should be resolved in such a way as to leave you unharmed and our trade agreements and goodwill undamaged, Doctor McKay."
Rodney narrowed his eyes at Woolsey. "And you're sending us?"
"They are specifically requesting you and your team, Doctor McKay."
"Well, unless you want to drink salt water for the foreseeable future, I suggest you send someone else."
Woolsey sighed. "This alliance is of the utmost importance, Doctor McKay. I'm afraid it's not up for debate. Your team will leave in three hours, so please be prepared."
"What! You can't just...make unilateral decisions like that!"
"That is one of the benefits of my position." Woolsey gave him a tight smile. "Now, I am sure there are things you'll want to reassign before leaving. Please make use of this time. Colonel, have your team prepared."
"Sheppard, you just can't-"
Sheppard stood and grabbed Rodney's arm, pulling him out of the office. He waited until they were clear to let him go. "Look, I don't like this either, but I wasn't given a choice. I won't let anyone or anything hurt you, okay? We'll just go, clear up the misunderstanding, and come home."
"I can't just leave the desalination tanks the way they are to go on a mission. I was in the middle of a complicated and very delicate repair."
"I know." Sheppard sighed. "I fought with him for the better part of an hour before he called you. It finally came down to him saying we were going, or I was staging a coup and overthrowing his authority as the overall mission leader."
"Oh, come on," Rodney hissed as Sheppard led him into the transporter. He tapped the area nearest the labs. "You can't be serious."
"Unfortunately, I am." Sheppard ran a hand through his hair, which Rodney had learned was one of his tells. "He's dead serious about making sure we don't fuck up one of the best alliances we've found in this galaxy over a few squid hickeys. He was furious with me for not really going into it in my original report, despite there not really being anything to say at that time."
Rodney sighed as they emerged from the transporter, directly outside of the main science lab. "Fine. Let me...figure out something. Zelenka's working on jumper repairs, but I'm going to have to tell him that he needs to work on the tanks if we want fresh water tonight."
Sheppard nodded. "Woolsey wanted us to leave ASAP, but I convinced him to give us a few hours. I figured you would need the time to rearrange things. I'm sorry I couldn't put it off a day. I tried."
"Yeah yeah," Rodney said, waving him off. "Go away. I'll meet you in the ready room."
John nodded and headed off the other direction, presumably to rearrange his own schedule.
To say that Radek was upset when he was pulled off the jumper project-again-was an understatement. He was still talking in Czech when Rodney finally left two hours later and honestly, Rodney was a little worried that he might not have power or water in his quarters when he got back.
Teyla and Ronon were both waiting for him in the ready room, but Sheppard didn't arrive until a few minutes later. He was quick to gear up, and then they all headed to the gate room as a team.
Rodney's pack was a little more stuffed this time, thanks to the addition of another full set of BDUs. He was not coming back to Atlantis in his boxers again-if he had the choice. He'd also grabbed a handful of coins he could use at Alton's shop. If he had to go to the planet, he was getting an afternoon snack and coffee beverage. Squid or no squid.
They went through the gate, and found the usual group of people there waiting for them, although with less smiles than usual. "Doctor McKay, it is good that you have returned."
"Not like I was given a choice," Rodney grumbled, his words ending in an oomph when Sheppard elbowed him.
Sheppard stepped in. "We were just informed this afternoon about the problem. We apologize if there has been a misunderstanding. We didn't realize when we encountered the, ah, creatures, that it would cause a situation down the road. We have something similar on our planet that doesn't behave this way."
"They are a sacred being to us and it...disturbs us that you have altered its behavior."
Sheppard shared a quick glance with Rodney. "We apologize. We didn't realize the importance of them, and we assure you, we meant no harm to them. In fact, Doctor McKay and myself went out of our way not to harm them at the time of the incident."
"And yet you held a knife to it."
John twitched, but Sheppard was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed. "At the time, I didn't know if it was hurting Doctor McKay or not. My priority was in keeping him safe. When I realized they weren't hurting him, I put the knife away and returned them to the water."
"Wait a minute," Rodney said, stepping forward and ignoring the look of warning from Sheppard. "They talked to you? Told you what happened?"
The leader, his name was something like Hitachi, nodded. "They are quite vocal in their desire to have you returned to them, Doctor McKay. The Allusava bond with the first being they encounter after hatching."
"The what?"
"The Allusava that you have bonded with. That they have been left to fend without you for this long has created some...odd behavior in them that has us most concerned."
Rodney took a breath and tried not to yell. "Odd behavior?" As if talking squid wasn't strange enough.
"When the Allusava imprint, they pick up much from their parent, including language and mannerisms. They have not imprinted with a human in many, many years."
"So this has happened before?"
"Very rarely. We are careful not to go near their spawning area during the hatching time, and for not alerting you to stay away we accept partial responsibility for what has happened. But now that they have imprinted, no other but you will be able to interact with them at the level they require."
"A level that they require...?" Rodney was starting to get the first stirrings of panic.
They had started walking toward the city. Hitachi shrugged. "They are capable of communicating with those who they are not imprinted on, but it is more difficult. Mostly, they get their personalities and communicate through their imprint. That is why we try to restrict imprinting with humans."
"Do they...ah...talk...like how we talk?"
"They project their wishes directly to whomever they want to communicate with." Hitachi sighed. "But in this case, they have fashioned what they call... sticky notes, and are writing their wishes on them."
"Sticky notes?" Rodney half-laughed at the absurdity of it and vaguely wondered if 3M would sue for trademark infringement.
John groaned behind him. "McKay, you've ruined them."
"I didn't do anything and I wasn't carrying a Post-It note pad with me when I was here last time."
Hitachi nodded. "They pick up many stray thoughts in the first few minutes of the bonding." He glanced at Rodney. "I get the impression your mind is very vast, Doctor McKay, and there was much for them to pick up."
"Great, just great," he muttered as they walked into the village. It took less than a minute before a high-pitched shrill went up and several cat-sized brightly colored...things were hurtling at him from all directions.
He didn't even have time to react before they were crawling all over him. He was getting a weird buzz in the back of his mind like he sometimes got from Atlantis, but one-Blue, Rodney noted with a glare at Sheppard-made it to his chest and held up what could only be termed a large Post-In Note. "Daddy! You came back!"
"Ah....hi?" Rodney said, trying not to panic about the obvious germs and alien squid and other whatnot that was now all over him.
Red shoved Blue out of the way and nuzzled him. She-he had no idea why he thought of that one as female and the first as male-held up another Post-It. "We missed you."
What was really, really weird-apart from the attack of the talking and literate squid-was the fact that his brain was trying to figure out where they'd got the Post-It notes from.
Yellow-another male he decided-scribbled something and held up another note. "We made them, Daddy. Just like you taught us."
"Okay, okay, look. Let's get one thing straight, I'm not your daddy."
The last one-Purple, and another female-held up another Post-It. "That's what you call a male parent in your mind, Daddy."
Rodney looked over at Sheppard with a desperate expression on his face. "Ah...a little help here would be nice."
Sheppard looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Why don't we... adjourn to somewhere more private where you and your... children... can sort things out."
"Sheppard! This is not funny."
Sheppard shrugged, but got down on his knees and looked at the squid. "I'd like to apologize to all of you for scaring you. We didn't understand what you were or what you were doing at the time, and I was afraid you were going to hurt him."
All four of the squid blinked at Sheppard and Rodney got a rush of...thought and emotion from them. Once he sorted through it, he burst out laughing.
Sheppard glanced up. "I hope that means they accept my apology."
"They really like your hair," Rodney said, barely holding in another laugh.
Sheppard shot him a look, but stood up. "What is it with you and my hair? Now you're spreading it around."
"I didn't do anything," Rodney protested as the squid climbed off of him and started leading him to one of the huts in the village.
The team followed him into the hut, but the villagers stayed outside. He saw Sheppard say something to them before shutting the door, then he looked at all of them, squid included. "Okay, we need to figure something out here, because we won't be able to leave on good terms unless you guys are happy." He motioned for the squid. "And Woolsey will be pissed at both of us if we bring you back to the city."
Rodney's hands immediately cradled his head and groaned as soon as the shout of dismay echoed in his head from the squid.
"Hey!" Sheppard was at his side, lifting Rodney's head to look in his eyes. "No hurting him."
"They...yell," Rodney said after a moment and after he was able to catch his breath. He pointed to his head. "I can hear them."
Sheppard gave him a look. "I gathered." He sighed. "I need some ideas here, people. Woolsey will tear me a new one if I let you come back. I'm willing to take the heat, but seriously, I need some reassurances before I do that."
"I don't think we have much of a choice," Rodney said as he slumped into a chair. Purple immediately began pawing at his pockets with one of his tentacles. "Hey stop that," he said without heat, trying to slap it away. Purple squeed a moment later, coming away with several coins in its grasp. "Hey! Those are mine."
"Are you using them already to be your minions and get you coffee? Because that's a little twisted, McKay. They think you're their father."
"I didn't tell them to do anything," he protested as Purple and Yellow headed out the door. Red and Blue cuddled in close, tentacles wrapping around his legs. "I'm trying very hard not to panic here," he said, looking up at the rest of his team with wide eyes. "Do something."
"I think they're reading your desires from your head. They probably know that coffee is the fastest way to your heart."
"This is not funny," Rodney said, crossing his arms over his chest.
John sobered up a bit. "No, but we can't just leave them here, Rodney. They're obviously attached to you, and I can't knowingly put anyone, not even squid, through that kind of trauma when it's obvious they aren't a threat."
"Who says they aren't a threat?"
Sheppard looked at the two cuddling with him pointedly. "Granted, they could surprise us, but be honest with me, McKay. Do you consider them a threat I need to be concerned about?"
"They're alien squid! What do you think?" He scowled at Sheppard. He was being particularly dense about this whole thing.
"Alien squid who are in love with you like you're their parent."
Rodney's scowl deepened. "I hate you."
"But you can't honestly tell me you'd walk away from them right now."
Before Rodney could open his mouth to answer, the door to the hut opened and Purple and Yellow wandered back in, one holding a coffee, the other a pastry.
Sheppard smirked at him. "They already know you well, McKay."
"I didn't ask for it," he protested, even as he took the snacks from the squid.
"Not out loud." Sheppard looked at the squid and Rodney. "You said yourself they're in your head."
Purple offered Rodney his tentacle, dropping the extra coins into Rodney's outstretched hand. "Ah...thanks."
He heard someone snicker, and glared at Sheppard, who didn't look very repentant.
"Why don't you go and discuss with the nice village people what our options are since I obviously cannot stay here."
Sheppard looked at the squid, who were all looking back at him. "I think we have to take them with us, Rodney. We can pretend otherwise, but in the end, why not save ourselves the time? I'm well aware of how much heat we'll take for it, and I take full responsibility for the decision."
"Then I think you and Teyla need to make nice with the village people," Rodney said slowly. "The last thing we need is an issue when we go home."
Sheppard and Teyla shared a look, and finally Sheppard nodded. "Stay here and get to know your baby squid. Ronon, stay with them."
Rodney scowled at Sheppard, but didn't argue as Purple and Yellow climbed up on the chair and settled in next to him, wrapping tentacles around his waist and upper arm.
A red tentacle came up with a Post-It Note. "Don't you want us, Daddy?"
"I'm just...this is a lot to take in," Rodney said with a sigh. "I wasn't expecting this at all."
"We know." This time it was a blue tentacle. A yellow popped up right behind it. "We'll be good, we promise."
"What's with the Post-It notes? You obviously can talk to me in my head."
The squid all hesitated, then he heard the response in his head. He didn't know how he knew it was Blue, but he did. "We can sense that it makes you uncomfortable to talk to us like this, Daddy."
"It's just new. So is this possible because of my ATA gene?"
He got a sense of the negative. "We can talk to our bondmate no matter who that is this way, and to each other. And to anyone you designate as okay to talk to this way."
"Bondmate?"
"We are bound to you. When we're old enough, we'll leave and spawn our own children, but until we're ready, it hurts to be away from you, Daddy."
"Oh. I didn't know," Rodney said, glancing up at Ronon who was hovering at the door. "Why didn't you...mention something before?" A couple of the squids' tentacles were wandering their way toward bare skin as they talked, burrowing under the leg or his pants or along the collar of his shirt.
"We couldn't talk yet. We had to process all the information you gave us, and then we had to get big enough to come look for you."
One tentacle slid in under the hem of his shirt along his waist, hitting a tickling spot. "Hey. Careful there."
"We will avoid spots that make you uncomfortable, Daddy."
"Just don't...tickle. Okay?"
"Okay Daddy." It was a chorus in his head.
If anything, the groping got more sure and confident as the tentacles slid onto skin. Rodney sighed.
"Why are you upset with us, Daddy?'
"I'm not upset. Really. I'm just...this is very confusing and a lot to take in. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made now." He glanced down at Red near his hip. Her tentacle was now wrapped around his ankle, trailing up his leg under his pants. "Are there any more of you?"
"No, Daddy. Not who are bonded to you. The rest of our hatch bonded to others."
"But there are more of you."
"Yes. There are one hundred and fifty of us in our hatch. We are the only ones to take a human bondmate, but not for lack of trying. It's frustrating that they stay away when we need bondmates. We think they believe they help, but it's better to have a human."
"One hundred and fifty of you," Rodney gasped, making Ronon start toward him, but Rodney waved him off.
"That is normal for a hatch. We only hatch once per solar cycle."
"That's a lot of you."
"Is it?"
"I think it is," Rodney said with a shrug, trying to contemplate that many squid things. He took a sip of his coffee, sighing with contentment.
"It's just how you like it, Daddy."
Rodney chatted on and off with the mini squids for nearly an hour before Sheppard came back with the news-they couldn't leave yet, and especially not with the squid. Teyla was still in negotiations with the village elders.
"But, what do you mean we can't leave?"
Sheppard dropped onto the bench next to Rodney. He looked surprisingly tired. "Apparently they're sacred, and only breed once a year, and the idea of us taking them away from that is kind of pissing them off."
"But there are one hundred and forty-six other mini squids."
John raised an eyebrow. "Be that as it may, your mini-squid are the first to bond with people in a long time, and they're rather upset about the whole idea of letting them go off world where they might get hurt or eaten or something."
"I didn't ask for them to bond with me!"
"I know and Teyla is trying to work it out." He looked at the squid. "Look guys, your, ah, Daddy is a very important man on our world, and he can't stay here. I'm fine with you coming, and I'll cover for him on it, but we can't afford to start a war over you."
Rodney frowned as they all answered unanimously for him to just stay on the planet with them. "You know I can't do that."
Sheppard shook his head. "He can't stay, guys. If he does, a lot of people on a lot of planets will be hurt or killed."
"You know Teyla's not going to resolve this tonight," Rodney said quietly, looking at Sheppard.
Sheppard sighed. "Ronon, head back to the gate and report what's going on. Have them send through kits for overnight."
"I have an extra set of BDUs," Rodney admitted as Ronon took off without a backwards glance.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't comment.
"After the incident last time, I thought it best to be prepared."
"I don't blame you."
Rodney chuckled quietly. "So, should we figure out how we're getting dinner for the team and sort out how we're bunking down?"
"We'll all bunk down here-I don't want to split us up, even on a world we've never had issues on before."
"There are only two beds here."
"You and Teyla will take them, and Ronon will bunk on the floor while I take first watch. Then we'll switch as needed."
"On the floor? We can just ask for another hut thing," Rodney said, waving his hand, but the gesture was cut short by Blue's tentacle wrapped around his wrist.
"It's fine. Neither Ronon nor I cares about sleeping on the floor."
Rodney sighed. "This is...." He glanced down at the squids and censored himself, "...messed up."
Sheppard shrugged. "Just another day in the Pegasus Galaxy."
Rodney snorted. "Apparently."
"So other than give you hickeys, what can they do?"
"The actually haven't given me any this time," Rodney said, lifting his hand and mentally asking Blue to let go-and he did gently. Rodney showed Sheppard his wrist. "See. No hickeys. They like to talk, though."
"Good. I'm pretty sure your department would never let you get away with more hickeys."
Rodney blushed, ducking his head. It had been a nightmare when he finally had gotten back to the lab. There had been lip drawings everywhere and no one could hold back the comments.
"So. No hickeys, guys, and we'll sort out everything from where Teyla leaves off in the morning."
Purple held out a Post-It note to Sheppard. "What's a hickey?"
"A hickey is a little red mark where you get a little overzealous with the sucking. The blood comes up to the surface, but doesn't break it. They're usually gotten from kissing."
There was another scribble-where were they getting the pens and paper from?-and Yellow had another note out. "Kissing?"
"It's what two people do when they get intimate with each other. It's usually done with the mouths, but you can kiss other things too, and that's where hickeys come from."
Rodney could feel the squids thinking-it was really odd. Another note came out a few seconds later, this one from Red. "Intimate?"
For the first time in the conversation, Sheppard looked a little uncomfortable. "I can't believe I'm giving the birds and bees talk to squid. And they're not even MY squid. Okay, intimacy is what we call it when two people really, really like each other and want to touch each other all over."
Blue turned the next question to Rodney-in his head. "But we're touching you all over, so is that...intimate?"
"Ah...yes and no. This is different," Rodney answered, feeling his cheeks blush.
Sheppard must have picked up on the question, because he sighed. "There are different kinds of touching. What you're doing is just called affection. You love him, but as a father figure or a friend would love. Intimacy is touching with purpose."
"You're encouraging them, you know that, right?" Rodney asked, pinning Sheppard with a look.
"If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to hear the answer."
"They're, what? Two months old? No. Not old enough."
"The elders said they return to have baby squid in a year. That means at two months, they're old enough."
"They have ten months to know about touching with intent," Rodney protested, his left hand wrapping around Red.
Sheppard grinned at him. "You realize you're talking like an over-protective mother."
"Shut up."
John's laugh was soft.
"Look," Rodney said with a hiss. "I didn't ask for this to happen and I'm just trying to make the most out of it, okay? Now, I think you should get me dinner." He paused, looking down at the squid. "Do you eat real food?"
"I wasn't mocking you, Rodney..."
John sighed softly as Blue got into Rodney's head again. "Fishies?"
Rodney smirked at Sheppard. "Looks like you're going fishing, Colonel."
Yellow held up another Post-it note and Rodney had to snort in laughter. "Go fish."
John rolled his eyes. "You'll have to wait until Ronon gets back then, because I'm not leaving Rodney alone on the planet. Every time I do that, he gets himself into trouble."
Six more tentacles started waving in Sheppard's face, all with the saying "Go fish" on the Post-It note.
Sheppard crossed his arms. "Not leaving him alone. Period."
Five more tentacles joined in the fray-three per squid.
Rodney had to bite back a laugh at the pinched look on Sheppard's face. "Ronon will be back soon, and then we'll get you fish."
Another four made sixteen.
Sheppard was actually trying to hold his ground. "No."
Twenty. They were running out of tentacles. Rodney was trying very hard not to laugh, but it was getting harder with each passing second.
Sheppard actually moved to try and stand behind Rodney. "No. I can't leave him alone guys."
The words "Not alone!" echoed in Rodney's head as four more tentacles started waving. They were up to twenty-four now. "They claim I'm not alone."
John was actually trying to hide behind Rodney. "You guys don't count. You couldn't protect him if there was a need."
There was a thwap and Rodney turned. Sheppard had a "Go fish" Post-it Note stuck to the front of his forehead. That was it. Rodney burst out laughing.
Sheppard shot a glare at him. "Call off your squid, McKay!"
"Not me! All on their own," he said between breaths.
"But they like you! They'll listen to you!"
"And, apparently, they're hungry."
"You know the rules."
"I'm not going fishing."
"Then they have to wait. We all go, or no one does."
The tentacles waving started again.
Sheppard pointed at Rodney. "If he's willing to walk to the lake, I'll fish for you."
"I'm not fishing."
All the sudden Rodney had the tentacle wave of sticky notes in his own face.
"I'll walk there, but I'm not fishing."
"Deal. I'll fish, but I want you in my sight range at all times."
Rodney gestured to the squids around him. "Do you think I'm going to be out of anyone's sight in the near future?"
"My sight, Rodney. I don't care who else watches, you don't leave my sight."
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Fine." As soon as Rodney agreed, the squids turned their "Go fish" Post-It Note tentacles back at Sheppard.
"All right, all right. We'll all go fish."
Rodney had to laugh at the expression on Sheppard's face. If he didn't know any better, he looked a little constipated like a grandparent with no access to prunes.
They probably looked like a parade, with the two of them leading a bunch of bouncy, happy squid waving Post-It notes in the air that all said "Go Fish!"
Too bad no one had a camera.
Continued in part 2.
Wordcount: 44,000
Rating: NC17
Pairing(s): Sheppard/McKay
Summary: When a group of baby squid imprint on Rodney McKay, John Sheppard discovers something about family and himself he previously discounted as important.
Warning(s): non-consenusal mind control
Notes: Much thanks to Chaps and Pepi for their betas.
Companion piece to Mr. Woolsey vs. the Squids that Loved Rodney McKay.
In a Family Way
John Sheppard-Lt. Colonel in the US Air Force and military commander of the city of Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy-was bored.
He was a space explorer and the defender of more people than he was realistically comfortable with especially when you included all the stray societies he was particularly good at bringing into the fold. And he was currently sitting on the native equivalent of a park bench, with absolutely nothing to do.
They were on this planet because the people here were long-standing allies of Atlantis, and the irrigation system the science team had installed for them six months ago was going, to use a technical term, wonky.
His team was primarily first contact, with other teams taking over for any kinds of long-term negotiations, and usually one of McKay's staff members would be out here making the repairs.
But the usual man for the job had gone and broken his ankle playing rugby of all things, so Elizabeth Weir, the expedition's leader, had asked McKay if he could run out and fix the irrigation since this planet provided the closest alternative to coffee they had found yet, and no one wanted to piss them off by delaying.
Plus, the coffee crops might go short if they weren't watered properly. It was really in everyone's best interest that the irrigation was fixed as soon as possible.
So while McKay was fixing the shit that had broken, Teyla Emmagen was doing her magic negotiation stuff trying to get them a bigger share of the crop in exchange for fixing the thing, and Ronon Dex was, for reasons unknown, a huge hit with the kids on this planet and was currently in the square being crawled all over while playing what John would call "horsey".
However, that left John to himself, sitting on the park bench with nothing to do.
"Staring at me is not going to make me work any faster," McKay grumbled without looking up from where he was hunched over one of the connections. He was still tracing the lines and checking each and every connection before he started taking anything apart.
"I'm bored."
"Oh, so that's what the huffing and the staring is all about. Go seduce an alien priestess or something."
John rolled his eyes. "Why are you always so intent on getting me laid by some random priestess? I would think you'd be more worried I'd get space herpes or something."
McKay shrugged and shifted to look at the joint better. "Keller has good drugs that can take care of that and it would stop you from staring at me."
"Maybe I like staring at you better than seducing women I don't know. You do realize the only person I've slept with since we walked through the gate was the few times you and I got together, right?"
McKay snorted, half crawling around the irrigation pipe. "Right."
"Why is that so hard to believe?"
"You've looked at yourself, right?" McKay said, glancing up at John for a beat before reaching for a tool. "If you're celibate then there's no chance in hell of me getting laid in the next century and just thinking about that makes me tense and angry, so..."
John rolled his eyes again. "I didn't say I hadn't been propositioned, just that I hadn't taken anyone else up on it. You have nothing to worry about, McKay. If you actually paid attention, you'd know at least half the base wants to be in your bed."
McKay let out a harsh laugh. "Right. Okay, this one is fine. I'm moving upstream," he said, picking up his tools and climbing to his feet. "This is going to take a while, you know. You don't have to babysit me."
Shrugging, John stood up to follow him. "This is a boring planet, and you are currently the only source of amusement in several light years."
"Great," McKay said dryly, rolling his eyes. "You could always go and get me lunch."
"Again, not nearly as interesting as listening to you curse at primitive machines and your staff for installing them."
"It's just going to take me longer the more I stop for breaks. We're what, thirty minutes from the town? Round trip and then add in resting once I get there... We're talking about at least two hours of time round-trip that could be better put to use actually fixing the damn thing I came here to fix." McKay glared at John. "And it's not like you're actually helping me at all."
John took out a PowerBar and tossed it over. "How's that?"
McKay scowled at it. "That's not what I had in mind."
John sighed. "You want me to just walk away and leave you alone on an alien planet to get you a snack. Seriously. What happened to that famous self-preservation thing?"
"There are no large man-eating creatures around. You know that. We've been here twenty times." McKay rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine. Just...hover away from me. You're annoying me."
John sighed. McKay was right, and frankly, he needed to move. "What do you want from the village? And I swear to Christ if you get yourself kidnapped, eaten, shot or otherwise harmed while out of my sight, I will make it my life's mission to find a way to resurrect you so I can kill you myself."
McKay glanced at him with a deepening scowl. "I said the PowerBar was fine."
"I decided I need a walk, so I might as well get you something while I'm gone. Just please... do me a favor and don't do anything stupid until I get back."
"So go patrol. I'm going to go up to the source water. Maybe it's just a clog or something up there. All the downstream pipes seem to be fine."
"Rodney, stop being a dick and tell me what you want. Otherwise I'm just going to follow you around and be as annoying as I can possibly be for the rest of the day."
"I want Henderson to be here tromping through this damn field finding the broken part of the irrigation system from hell. I want unlimited amounts of coffee and chocolate. I want a bed that doesn't kill my back. I want to not worry if I can't fix the next big problem to crop up on a 10,000 year old city." He glanced at John, his expression bitter and tired. "I can go on if you want."
John was surprised at the sudden urge to pull the other man into his arms. They had only slept together a handful of times, and it had been casual, so the sudden rush of emotion was not expected. Instead, he let his expression soften. "If I could, I would give you all of it. But right now, the best I can do is a really good snack and a big cup of not-coffee. Will that work?"
McKay shrugged, looking away. "You're going to do whatever you want, so just...do whatever you want."
John thought about asking why McKay always seemed so intent on making him the bad guy. But he just sighed instead. "I'll be back in under an hour. Stay out of trouble and radio if you need anything."
"Yes, yes. I know how to use the radio," McKay mumbled, the anger already gone from his voice.
Oh, he heard about the displeasure and took his share of verbal abuse-giving as good as he got-but unlike others, McKay always let it go as soon as the conversation was over. He wasn't sure why that was important to him, but he decided not to think about it.
"Don't do anything stupid!" McKay called out after him.
"I promise, no alien priestesses!" John called back, and then jogged out of range before McKay could retaliate.
It took a good twenty minutes to reach the village, the bustling town eagerly drawing him in.
He wandered over to the small house where they usually traded for snacks. He pulled out a few of the small coins the science team had made them for trading on worlds like this one. "Hello?"
The man behind the counter-Alton-if John remembered correctly, glanced up. "Colonel, how can I help you?" McKay was convinced that this was a precursor to the Pegasus Galaxy's version of Starbucks. John hated to admit it, but it was close to the truth.
He set out his coins. "I have a hungry and thirsty scientist out fixing your irrigation system. Can you give me something good that won't kill him? You know his allergies."
"I have a new batch of sweet breads in the oven. Perhaps you would like to wait for those to be ready?" Alton said. "I can make one of my special drinks while you wait-even throw in one for you as well."
John smiled. "That would be perfect, as long as the wait isn't too long." This particular planet just thought he was indulgent with his need to protect his team. He was also pretty sure half of them thought he and Rodney were an item.
"It will be a short wait, so please sit and rest." Alton turned to move into the back of the shop to prepare the beverage. "Hot or cold, Colonel?"
"Cold for both. By the time I'd get back out there, they'd be cold anyway."
"Of course, of course," he said, ducking into the other room.
John leaned against a wall and looked outside. It was strange. He knew he should feel peaceful here, of all places, but he could never really shake his tense muscles when he was off world.
The scent of almost-coffee started to drift from the small back room.
It was pretty heavenly. John wondered if they could convince Elizabeth to let them start a Not-Starbucks chain in Atlantis.
He'd invite Alton there without hesitation. The drinks he made were probably better than what you could get at a Starbucks. John was actually surprised that most Pegasus natives weren't addicted to the stuff. If Rodney could get away with a daily "almost-coffee" run here, he would.
When everything was ready, John packed the snacks carefully in his vest and took a coffee in each hand. He sipped his own, and made a happy noise. "If you ever decide to relocate, I get first dibs."
Alton chuckled. "Your Doctor McKay has invited me many times to your city, but I have no desire to leave. It is...fulfilling here."
"And you can charge us more if you know we're willing to cross the galaxy for your stuff. You're turning us into junkies." John grinned.
"It is my pleasure to provide you with these delicacies. I am pleased you and Doctor McKay enjoy them."
John laughed again. "We'll be back. Thanks. I better get this to him before he starts bitching at me on the radio for taking too long."
"Of course, Colonel. Enjoy and may you return again."
John strolled out, starting back for where he had left McKay.
About halfway there he started getting weird static, as if someone was trying to reach him on the radio.
Stopping, John set the almost-coffees on the ground and tapped his radio. "This is Sheppard. Anyone out there? I'm getting static."
He waited for a long moment, holding his breath. Just as he was bending down to get the almost-coffees he heard it again. "....stupid...did you go..."
He was running before it was finished. "McKay. I'm on my way."
John got several other bursts of static, McKay's exclamations in the clear sections. He sounded frantic but annoyed. It was weird.
It took him half the amount of time to get back to where he had left McKay then it had taken him to leave. He started trying to locate him immediately. "McKay? Where the fuck are you?"
He waited for the scientist to reply even as his eyes scanned the horizon. McKay said he was heading to the source water...which meant the lake. Damn. He still has a ways to go.
Taking a guess, John started for the lake in an all out run, all his senses on high alert.
"Get off me! Off! Off! Blood-sucking...."
He put on another burst of speed and came around a corner in the path with his gun out and pointed. "McKay!"
At first he didn't see anything except McKay's tool box and then the scientist erupted out of the water, shaking and yelling and doing some strange jig-until he slipped and went under again.
John didn't even think about it. He was in the water trying to get a hand on McKay to yank him out.
McKay came up sputtering. "Get them off! Off!" he yelled even as he tried to pull his clothes off to get at something-something John didn't see. Until he saw a lump move under the wet fabric of McKay's pant leg.
John hauled him onto the bank and started stripping him. He didn't even realize he had pulled his knife and was cutting the clothing off Rodney until he noticed in passing the shreds of fabric. "Hold still! I need to get to whatever is hurting you!"
"Get them off!" McKay yelled. "Get them off now!" He was digging at his arms and legs and ignoring John as he tried to stop whatever it was from crawling anywhere else on his body.
He gave up trying to be nice about it and just ripped the clothes off Rodney's body in record time.
John spotted the... He stopped, his mouth gaping open. It was some kind of...squid? It was roughly the size of a golf ball and there were four of them, eagerly crawling up McKay's body leaving a trail of red suck marks behind.
"What the fucking hell are those?"
"I don't know," McKay answered, his voice shaking. "Just get them off!"
John moved carefully. They didn't seem to be hurting him, just shaking him up, so John tried to use his knife to get underneath them to pry them off.
"Please," McKay said, his hands cupping himself. "Get them off me. Sheppard..."
They were avoiding his knife, so he abandoned it and started trying to catch them with his bare hands. "What the hell are they and where did they come from?"
"Near the intake valves...was checking the intake mechanism and I felt something on my leg..." McKay said, visibly trying to calm himself down-the hand flailing had stopped-but he kept twitching every time the mini squid moved.
They had all more or less stopped moving, but John was having a hell of a time pulling the first one off. "Is it hurting you at all?"
"What does it matter?" McKay asked, his eyes going wide as they focused up at John. "They don't belong on my body. Get them off!"
"I'm working on it, but I'm trying to decide if I should risk trying to shoot them off you. If they aren't hurting you, I can save that for a last-ditch effort."
"No shooting!"
"Okay, then just hold still and try not to move." John retrieved his knife.
One of the squid things opened its eyes-they took up like the entire head-thing-and then let out a high pitched squeal. Rodney screamed a moment later. "Stop! No knife! No knife!"
John froze. "Rodney?"
"Now it hurts..."
"Tell me what they're doing to you, Rodney. I need to know so I can figure out the best way to get them off without causing you any more pain."
"They were like mobile hickey machines until you started brandishing that knife and they saw it. They bit down!" Under one of the mini squids on McKay's thigh, a thin line of red started running down the side of his leg.
"Christ." John put the knife away. "How aware are they, McKay? Do they understand us?"
"I don't know," he said with a whimper, his hands still protecting the family jewels. "It's not like they're talking to me. You heard it scream a second before it took a chunk out of my leg."
"Okay." John looked at the squid things. "If you... squid... can understand me, you need to let go of Rodney and climb down, otherwise, I'm going to have to find a way to remove you."
"Stop talking to the...squid! Did you say squid?" McKay half rolled, looking down at the one on his leg he could see.
"They sort of look like squid. And I'm just trying to give them a chance if they are sentient. They aren't hurting you, so I'd rather not be forced to kill them if I don't have to. But you come first, so I will do whatever is necessary if they won't release you."
"And what if killing them brings mom? What then?"
"Then I'll deal with Mom. I will not leave these things on you, Rodney. They will come off, one way or another."
McKay rolled back down, lying flat on the ground. "As long as you don't brandish your knife they haven't hurt me. I just...really want them off."
"I don't blame you." John knelt next to him and focused on the closest squid. "Okay. You are coming off now, Blue."
"Don't start naming them!"
"I'm not naming, them, I'm calling them by their color. If they are aware, I want them to know I don't want to hurt them since they haven't hurt you. But that I am serious about them coming off."
"You're splitting hairs. You're naming them," McKay's voice was headed toward the higher pitch range again. The red fella was on the move, apparently, creeping up toward his crotch.
"Okay, Red, none of that now." John decided to take the movement as way to get them off. He got hold and pulled in the direction the thing had been moving, hoping to use some of the momentum.
After a fair bit of tugging-and some whimpering screams from McKay-Red let go with a pop. John held him up, the squid's huge eyes blinking up at him. After a moment, John put him down on the edge of the bank and he shuffled his way back into the water.
"Okay, one down, Four to go." It took him the better part of an hour to remove the other three.
By the time John was finished, McKay was shivering with cold. The sun was starting to set and it wasn't exactly summertime. And thanks to John, McKay was far less clothed than he should have been.
McKay had finally fallen silent about halfway through the removal procedure. While it had been nice-in the non-panicking sense-John's own sense of worry started skyrocketing. A complaining McKay was a fine McKay. A silent one wasn't good.
As soon as the last squid was back in the water, John stripped off his TAC vest and took off his shirt, handing it to McKay. Then he stripped out of his pants and handed those over as well, keeping his boxers and putting his vest back on.
"Sheppard..." McKay protested quietly as he held John's shirt. "You need this."
"Put it on." John shrugged his gear back into place. "The shirt and the pants. I cut yours off you instead of just removing it, so I can share mine."
"There's no way your pants will fit me."
"Yes, they will." John gave him a small smile. "You're thinner than you think, and I'm fatter than you think. They might not fit perfectly, but they'll do until we can get back to Atlantis."
"No."
John sighed. "Just put the damn clothes on. You have squid hickeys all over you, and I seriously doubt you want to have to explain that to the entire base. Keller will be bad enough."
"I'll take the shirt," McKay said, tossing the pants back at John.
"I'm not taking the pants back. You can wear them, or go back with your cock hanging out. Your choice."
"My boxers are fine."
"Your boxers are falling off since I sliced them in a few places and will probably not make it back on the walk to the gate." John sighed. "Do you have to argue with me on everything? I'm trying to help, Rodney. I know you would be uncomfortable if you walked back on base in your boxers with squid hickeys all over you, including on your inner thighs. If you're wearing my pants, there will be talk, but it won't be nearly as bad."
"Ronon might have something I can borrow. Or one of the villagers," McKay said as he pulled John's shirt over his head-hiding the squid hickeys on his chest.
John was suddenly tired. He didn't know why that made his chest hurt. "You'd rather wear anyone else's but mine."
"You're not walking back to Atlantis naked!"
"I have my boxers on, and my TAC vest. And I'm not covered in squid hickeys."
"Put on your damn pants," McKay said, shifting to climb to his feet.
"No. You wear them, or I leave them here."
McKay turned a tight-lipped glare at him before turning his back and moving to the water's edge to grab his tool box.
"Please don't get any more squid stuck to you."
"What does it matter?" McKay knelt down in the mud, picking up the tools that had fallen out.
John licked his lips. "Because if I have to spend any more time running my hands over your body, I'm going to give you a completely different reason to be pissed at me." John blinked. "Christ, I can't believe I just admitted that out loud."
"Admitted what?" McKay glanced over his shoulder, confusion on his face. Apparently he hadn't been listening. John wasn't sure if that was good ro bad.
John had to swallow hard. What the fuck was he thinking? "I... never mind."
McKay shook his head and sighed as he finished putting his tools away. Several of them were coated in mud, but he jammed them in the carrier anyway. It just proved how out of it he was.
John took a deep breath and walked over, putting a hand over Rodney's. "You'll be pissed later when you get back and realize what you're doing."
"Doesn't matter. Got mud in there when I was...flailing around." McKay' tilted the tool box so John could see inside-and the drying globs of mud. He sighed. "See. Doesn't matter."
John made a face. "All right."
"Can we just...go?"
"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here."
The next day when a new repair team was sent out to fix the irrigation system, they discovered it was in perfect working condition.
***
Six Weeks Later
Rodney was elbows deep in the city's desalination plant machinery when he got a call from Mister Woolsey asking for his immediate attendance in his office. He begged off, but Woolsey insisted, and he managed to get a twenty-minute window to clean up and grab a cup of coffee from the mess.
Sheppard was already ensconced in one of Woolsey's chairs when he finally arrived thirty minutes after the initial call. "Yes, what? What was so important that you couldn't discuss it over the radio?" He pinned Sheppard and Woolsey with a look.
Woolsey cleared his throat. "We have had an... interesting.... call from our trading partners on PX5-227."
Rodney stared at Woolsey waiting for the rest, but it wasn't forth coming. "And? Therefore? I care about this why?"
Woolsey leaned forward and templed his fingers. "That's the planet where you went, six weeks ago, to fix the irrigation systems. Apparently, there was something you and Colonel Sheppard left out of that report."
"Left out?" Rodney pinned Sheppard with a look.
John shrugged. "I didn't think it was important since all they did was leave hickeys."
Rodney narrowed his eyes. "Is this about the squid? I didn't leave anything out of the report. How could I? I was covered in hickeys for days and I walked into the gateroom in less coverage than I was comfortable with."
Woolsey cleared his throat to get their attention. "Apparently the, ah, squid, as you call them, are demanding that their... mother... return to collect them."
"Their what!"
"They are, apparently, quite distraught that you haven't returned for them, and our very good allies are upset that we didn't mention the incident or return for them."
"They tried to eat me!" He waved his hands at Sheppard. "You explain it since you apparently forgot to mention it in your report."
"You have already acknowledged, and Colonel Sheppard confirmed before you arrived, that, for the most part, they seemed to just want to cling to you, and caused no damaged beyond the.... hickeys."
Rodney turned back to Woolsey. "So what's the big deal?"
Woolsey sighed. "They have grown in size and arrived in the town quite upset. Apparently they have the ability to communicate, which, if I'm reading this correctly, they picked up from you and Colonel Sheppard in your encounter. They view you, Doctor McKay, as the first being they encountered after hatching, as their mother and wish to be reunited with you."
Sighing, Rodney rubbed a hand over his face as he turned back to the Colonel. "I told you not to name them."
"I was calling them by their colors so you'd know which ones I was pulling off next. That's not naming."
"You named them!"
"Blue isn't a name!"
"And you called the other one Red. You addressed them! You talked to them!" Rodney knew his voice was rising in pitch and right now he didn't care. There were...squid things out there looking for him. If they'd grown any bigger he'd probably end up as their dinner and not just as a chew toy.
Woolsey cleared his throat. "I have been assured that they are not dangerous creatures. I would like your team to personally return to the planet to handle this matter and get it resolved in a way that will be satisfactory to everyone involved."
"Resolved?" Rodney asked as he swung back to Woolsey. "How do you suggest we resolve it?"
"I would stress that it should be resolved in such a way as to leave you unharmed and our trade agreements and goodwill undamaged, Doctor McKay."
Rodney narrowed his eyes at Woolsey. "And you're sending us?"
"They are specifically requesting you and your team, Doctor McKay."
"Well, unless you want to drink salt water for the foreseeable future, I suggest you send someone else."
Woolsey sighed. "This alliance is of the utmost importance, Doctor McKay. I'm afraid it's not up for debate. Your team will leave in three hours, so please be prepared."
"What! You can't just...make unilateral decisions like that!"
"That is one of the benefits of my position." Woolsey gave him a tight smile. "Now, I am sure there are things you'll want to reassign before leaving. Please make use of this time. Colonel, have your team prepared."
"Sheppard, you just can't-"
Sheppard stood and grabbed Rodney's arm, pulling him out of the office. He waited until they were clear to let him go. "Look, I don't like this either, but I wasn't given a choice. I won't let anyone or anything hurt you, okay? We'll just go, clear up the misunderstanding, and come home."
"I can't just leave the desalination tanks the way they are to go on a mission. I was in the middle of a complicated and very delicate repair."
"I know." Sheppard sighed. "I fought with him for the better part of an hour before he called you. It finally came down to him saying we were going, or I was staging a coup and overthrowing his authority as the overall mission leader."
"Oh, come on," Rodney hissed as Sheppard led him into the transporter. He tapped the area nearest the labs. "You can't be serious."
"Unfortunately, I am." Sheppard ran a hand through his hair, which Rodney had learned was one of his tells. "He's dead serious about making sure we don't fuck up one of the best alliances we've found in this galaxy over a few squid hickeys. He was furious with me for not really going into it in my original report, despite there not really being anything to say at that time."
Rodney sighed as they emerged from the transporter, directly outside of the main science lab. "Fine. Let me...figure out something. Zelenka's working on jumper repairs, but I'm going to have to tell him that he needs to work on the tanks if we want fresh water tonight."
Sheppard nodded. "Woolsey wanted us to leave ASAP, but I convinced him to give us a few hours. I figured you would need the time to rearrange things. I'm sorry I couldn't put it off a day. I tried."
"Yeah yeah," Rodney said, waving him off. "Go away. I'll meet you in the ready room."
John nodded and headed off the other direction, presumably to rearrange his own schedule.
To say that Radek was upset when he was pulled off the jumper project-again-was an understatement. He was still talking in Czech when Rodney finally left two hours later and honestly, Rodney was a little worried that he might not have power or water in his quarters when he got back.
Teyla and Ronon were both waiting for him in the ready room, but Sheppard didn't arrive until a few minutes later. He was quick to gear up, and then they all headed to the gate room as a team.
Rodney's pack was a little more stuffed this time, thanks to the addition of another full set of BDUs. He was not coming back to Atlantis in his boxers again-if he had the choice. He'd also grabbed a handful of coins he could use at Alton's shop. If he had to go to the planet, he was getting an afternoon snack and coffee beverage. Squid or no squid.
They went through the gate, and found the usual group of people there waiting for them, although with less smiles than usual. "Doctor McKay, it is good that you have returned."
"Not like I was given a choice," Rodney grumbled, his words ending in an oomph when Sheppard elbowed him.
Sheppard stepped in. "We were just informed this afternoon about the problem. We apologize if there has been a misunderstanding. We didn't realize when we encountered the, ah, creatures, that it would cause a situation down the road. We have something similar on our planet that doesn't behave this way."
"They are a sacred being to us and it...disturbs us that you have altered its behavior."
Sheppard shared a quick glance with Rodney. "We apologize. We didn't realize the importance of them, and we assure you, we meant no harm to them. In fact, Doctor McKay and myself went out of our way not to harm them at the time of the incident."
"And yet you held a knife to it."
John twitched, but Sheppard was pretty sure he was the only one who noticed. "At the time, I didn't know if it was hurting Doctor McKay or not. My priority was in keeping him safe. When I realized they weren't hurting him, I put the knife away and returned them to the water."
"Wait a minute," Rodney said, stepping forward and ignoring the look of warning from Sheppard. "They talked to you? Told you what happened?"
The leader, his name was something like Hitachi, nodded. "They are quite vocal in their desire to have you returned to them, Doctor McKay. The Allusava bond with the first being they encounter after hatching."
"The what?"
"The Allusava that you have bonded with. That they have been left to fend without you for this long has created some...odd behavior in them that has us most concerned."
Rodney took a breath and tried not to yell. "Odd behavior?" As if talking squid wasn't strange enough.
"When the Allusava imprint, they pick up much from their parent, including language and mannerisms. They have not imprinted with a human in many, many years."
"So this has happened before?"
"Very rarely. We are careful not to go near their spawning area during the hatching time, and for not alerting you to stay away we accept partial responsibility for what has happened. But now that they have imprinted, no other but you will be able to interact with them at the level they require."
"A level that they require...?" Rodney was starting to get the first stirrings of panic.
They had started walking toward the city. Hitachi shrugged. "They are capable of communicating with those who they are not imprinted on, but it is more difficult. Mostly, they get their personalities and communicate through their imprint. That is why we try to restrict imprinting with humans."
"Do they...ah...talk...like how we talk?"
"They project their wishes directly to whomever they want to communicate with." Hitachi sighed. "But in this case, they have fashioned what they call... sticky notes, and are writing their wishes on them."
"Sticky notes?" Rodney half-laughed at the absurdity of it and vaguely wondered if 3M would sue for trademark infringement.
John groaned behind him. "McKay, you've ruined them."
"I didn't do anything and I wasn't carrying a Post-It note pad with me when I was here last time."
Hitachi nodded. "They pick up many stray thoughts in the first few minutes of the bonding." He glanced at Rodney. "I get the impression your mind is very vast, Doctor McKay, and there was much for them to pick up."
"Great, just great," he muttered as they walked into the village. It took less than a minute before a high-pitched shrill went up and several cat-sized brightly colored...things were hurtling at him from all directions.
He didn't even have time to react before they were crawling all over him. He was getting a weird buzz in the back of his mind like he sometimes got from Atlantis, but one-Blue, Rodney noted with a glare at Sheppard-made it to his chest and held up what could only be termed a large Post-In Note. "Daddy! You came back!"
"Ah....hi?" Rodney said, trying not to panic about the obvious germs and alien squid and other whatnot that was now all over him.
Red shoved Blue out of the way and nuzzled him. She-he had no idea why he thought of that one as female and the first as male-held up another Post-It. "We missed you."
What was really, really weird-apart from the attack of the talking and literate squid-was the fact that his brain was trying to figure out where they'd got the Post-It notes from.
Yellow-another male he decided-scribbled something and held up another note. "We made them, Daddy. Just like you taught us."
"Okay, okay, look. Let's get one thing straight, I'm not your daddy."
The last one-Purple, and another female-held up another Post-It. "That's what you call a male parent in your mind, Daddy."
Rodney looked over at Sheppard with a desperate expression on his face. "Ah...a little help here would be nice."
Sheppard looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Why don't we... adjourn to somewhere more private where you and your... children... can sort things out."
"Sheppard! This is not funny."
Sheppard shrugged, but got down on his knees and looked at the squid. "I'd like to apologize to all of you for scaring you. We didn't understand what you were or what you were doing at the time, and I was afraid you were going to hurt him."
All four of the squid blinked at Sheppard and Rodney got a rush of...thought and emotion from them. Once he sorted through it, he burst out laughing.
Sheppard glanced up. "I hope that means they accept my apology."
"They really like your hair," Rodney said, barely holding in another laugh.
Sheppard shot him a look, but stood up. "What is it with you and my hair? Now you're spreading it around."
"I didn't do anything," Rodney protested as the squid climbed off of him and started leading him to one of the huts in the village.
The team followed him into the hut, but the villagers stayed outside. He saw Sheppard say something to them before shutting the door, then he looked at all of them, squid included. "Okay, we need to figure something out here, because we won't be able to leave on good terms unless you guys are happy." He motioned for the squid. "And Woolsey will be pissed at both of us if we bring you back to the city."
Rodney's hands immediately cradled his head and groaned as soon as the shout of dismay echoed in his head from the squid.
"Hey!" Sheppard was at his side, lifting Rodney's head to look in his eyes. "No hurting him."
"They...yell," Rodney said after a moment and after he was able to catch his breath. He pointed to his head. "I can hear them."
Sheppard gave him a look. "I gathered." He sighed. "I need some ideas here, people. Woolsey will tear me a new one if I let you come back. I'm willing to take the heat, but seriously, I need some reassurances before I do that."
"I don't think we have much of a choice," Rodney said as he slumped into a chair. Purple immediately began pawing at his pockets with one of his tentacles. "Hey stop that," he said without heat, trying to slap it away. Purple squeed a moment later, coming away with several coins in its grasp. "Hey! Those are mine."
"Are you using them already to be your minions and get you coffee? Because that's a little twisted, McKay. They think you're their father."
"I didn't tell them to do anything," he protested as Purple and Yellow headed out the door. Red and Blue cuddled in close, tentacles wrapping around his legs. "I'm trying very hard not to panic here," he said, looking up at the rest of his team with wide eyes. "Do something."
"I think they're reading your desires from your head. They probably know that coffee is the fastest way to your heart."
"This is not funny," Rodney said, crossing his arms over his chest.
John sobered up a bit. "No, but we can't just leave them here, Rodney. They're obviously attached to you, and I can't knowingly put anyone, not even squid, through that kind of trauma when it's obvious they aren't a threat."
"Who says they aren't a threat?"
Sheppard looked at the two cuddling with him pointedly. "Granted, they could surprise us, but be honest with me, McKay. Do you consider them a threat I need to be concerned about?"
"They're alien squid! What do you think?" He scowled at Sheppard. He was being particularly dense about this whole thing.
"Alien squid who are in love with you like you're their parent."
Rodney's scowl deepened. "I hate you."
"But you can't honestly tell me you'd walk away from them right now."
Before Rodney could open his mouth to answer, the door to the hut opened and Purple and Yellow wandered back in, one holding a coffee, the other a pastry.
Sheppard smirked at him. "They already know you well, McKay."
"I didn't ask for it," he protested, even as he took the snacks from the squid.
"Not out loud." Sheppard looked at the squid and Rodney. "You said yourself they're in your head."
Purple offered Rodney his tentacle, dropping the extra coins into Rodney's outstretched hand. "Ah...thanks."
He heard someone snicker, and glared at Sheppard, who didn't look very repentant.
"Why don't you go and discuss with the nice village people what our options are since I obviously cannot stay here."
Sheppard looked at the squid, who were all looking back at him. "I think we have to take them with us, Rodney. We can pretend otherwise, but in the end, why not save ourselves the time? I'm well aware of how much heat we'll take for it, and I take full responsibility for the decision."
"Then I think you and Teyla need to make nice with the village people," Rodney said slowly. "The last thing we need is an issue when we go home."
Sheppard and Teyla shared a look, and finally Sheppard nodded. "Stay here and get to know your baby squid. Ronon, stay with them."
Rodney scowled at Sheppard, but didn't argue as Purple and Yellow climbed up on the chair and settled in next to him, wrapping tentacles around his waist and upper arm.
A red tentacle came up with a Post-It Note. "Don't you want us, Daddy?"
"I'm just...this is a lot to take in," Rodney said with a sigh. "I wasn't expecting this at all."
"We know." This time it was a blue tentacle. A yellow popped up right behind it. "We'll be good, we promise."
"What's with the Post-It notes? You obviously can talk to me in my head."
The squid all hesitated, then he heard the response in his head. He didn't know how he knew it was Blue, but he did. "We can sense that it makes you uncomfortable to talk to us like this, Daddy."
"It's just new. So is this possible because of my ATA gene?"
He got a sense of the negative. "We can talk to our bondmate no matter who that is this way, and to each other. And to anyone you designate as okay to talk to this way."
"Bondmate?"
"We are bound to you. When we're old enough, we'll leave and spawn our own children, but until we're ready, it hurts to be away from you, Daddy."
"Oh. I didn't know," Rodney said, glancing up at Ronon who was hovering at the door. "Why didn't you...mention something before?" A couple of the squids' tentacles were wandering their way toward bare skin as they talked, burrowing under the leg or his pants or along the collar of his shirt.
"We couldn't talk yet. We had to process all the information you gave us, and then we had to get big enough to come look for you."
One tentacle slid in under the hem of his shirt along his waist, hitting a tickling spot. "Hey. Careful there."
"We will avoid spots that make you uncomfortable, Daddy."
"Just don't...tickle. Okay?"
"Okay Daddy." It was a chorus in his head.
If anything, the groping got more sure and confident as the tentacles slid onto skin. Rodney sighed.
"Why are you upset with us, Daddy?'
"I'm not upset. Really. I'm just...this is very confusing and a lot to take in. There are a lot of decisions that have to be made now." He glanced down at Red near his hip. Her tentacle was now wrapped around his ankle, trailing up his leg under his pants. "Are there any more of you?"
"No, Daddy. Not who are bonded to you. The rest of our hatch bonded to others."
"But there are more of you."
"Yes. There are one hundred and fifty of us in our hatch. We are the only ones to take a human bondmate, but not for lack of trying. It's frustrating that they stay away when we need bondmates. We think they believe they help, but it's better to have a human."
"One hundred and fifty of you," Rodney gasped, making Ronon start toward him, but Rodney waved him off.
"That is normal for a hatch. We only hatch once per solar cycle."
"That's a lot of you."
"Is it?"
"I think it is," Rodney said with a shrug, trying to contemplate that many squid things. He took a sip of his coffee, sighing with contentment.
"It's just how you like it, Daddy."
Rodney chatted on and off with the mini squids for nearly an hour before Sheppard came back with the news-they couldn't leave yet, and especially not with the squid. Teyla was still in negotiations with the village elders.
"But, what do you mean we can't leave?"
Sheppard dropped onto the bench next to Rodney. He looked surprisingly tired. "Apparently they're sacred, and only breed once a year, and the idea of us taking them away from that is kind of pissing them off."
"But there are one hundred and forty-six other mini squids."
John raised an eyebrow. "Be that as it may, your mini-squid are the first to bond with people in a long time, and they're rather upset about the whole idea of letting them go off world where they might get hurt or eaten or something."
"I didn't ask for them to bond with me!"
"I know and Teyla is trying to work it out." He looked at the squid. "Look guys, your, ah, Daddy is a very important man on our world, and he can't stay here. I'm fine with you coming, and I'll cover for him on it, but we can't afford to start a war over you."
Rodney frowned as they all answered unanimously for him to just stay on the planet with them. "You know I can't do that."
Sheppard shook his head. "He can't stay, guys. If he does, a lot of people on a lot of planets will be hurt or killed."
"You know Teyla's not going to resolve this tonight," Rodney said quietly, looking at Sheppard.
Sheppard sighed. "Ronon, head back to the gate and report what's going on. Have them send through kits for overnight."
"I have an extra set of BDUs," Rodney admitted as Ronon took off without a backwards glance.
Sheppard raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't comment.
"After the incident last time, I thought it best to be prepared."
"I don't blame you."
Rodney chuckled quietly. "So, should we figure out how we're getting dinner for the team and sort out how we're bunking down?"
"We'll all bunk down here-I don't want to split us up, even on a world we've never had issues on before."
"There are only two beds here."
"You and Teyla will take them, and Ronon will bunk on the floor while I take first watch. Then we'll switch as needed."
"On the floor? We can just ask for another hut thing," Rodney said, waving his hand, but the gesture was cut short by Blue's tentacle wrapped around his wrist.
"It's fine. Neither Ronon nor I cares about sleeping on the floor."
Rodney sighed. "This is...." He glanced down at the squids and censored himself, "...messed up."
Sheppard shrugged. "Just another day in the Pegasus Galaxy."
Rodney snorted. "Apparently."
"So other than give you hickeys, what can they do?"
"The actually haven't given me any this time," Rodney said, lifting his hand and mentally asking Blue to let go-and he did gently. Rodney showed Sheppard his wrist. "See. No hickeys. They like to talk, though."
"Good. I'm pretty sure your department would never let you get away with more hickeys."
Rodney blushed, ducking his head. It had been a nightmare when he finally had gotten back to the lab. There had been lip drawings everywhere and no one could hold back the comments.
"So. No hickeys, guys, and we'll sort out everything from where Teyla leaves off in the morning."
Purple held out a Post-It note to Sheppard. "What's a hickey?"
"A hickey is a little red mark where you get a little overzealous with the sucking. The blood comes up to the surface, but doesn't break it. They're usually gotten from kissing."
There was another scribble-where were they getting the pens and paper from?-and Yellow had another note out. "Kissing?"
"It's what two people do when they get intimate with each other. It's usually done with the mouths, but you can kiss other things too, and that's where hickeys come from."
Rodney could feel the squids thinking-it was really odd. Another note came out a few seconds later, this one from Red. "Intimate?"
For the first time in the conversation, Sheppard looked a little uncomfortable. "I can't believe I'm giving the birds and bees talk to squid. And they're not even MY squid. Okay, intimacy is what we call it when two people really, really like each other and want to touch each other all over."
Blue turned the next question to Rodney-in his head. "But we're touching you all over, so is that...intimate?"
"Ah...yes and no. This is different," Rodney answered, feeling his cheeks blush.
Sheppard must have picked up on the question, because he sighed. "There are different kinds of touching. What you're doing is just called affection. You love him, but as a father figure or a friend would love. Intimacy is touching with purpose."
"You're encouraging them, you know that, right?" Rodney asked, pinning Sheppard with a look.
"If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to hear the answer."
"They're, what? Two months old? No. Not old enough."
"The elders said they return to have baby squid in a year. That means at two months, they're old enough."
"They have ten months to know about touching with intent," Rodney protested, his left hand wrapping around Red.
Sheppard grinned at him. "You realize you're talking like an over-protective mother."
"Shut up."
John's laugh was soft.
"Look," Rodney said with a hiss. "I didn't ask for this to happen and I'm just trying to make the most out of it, okay? Now, I think you should get me dinner." He paused, looking down at the squid. "Do you eat real food?"
"I wasn't mocking you, Rodney..."
John sighed softly as Blue got into Rodney's head again. "Fishies?"
Rodney smirked at Sheppard. "Looks like you're going fishing, Colonel."
Yellow held up another Post-it note and Rodney had to snort in laughter. "Go fish."
John rolled his eyes. "You'll have to wait until Ronon gets back then, because I'm not leaving Rodney alone on the planet. Every time I do that, he gets himself into trouble."
Six more tentacles started waving in Sheppard's face, all with the saying "Go fish" on the Post-It note.
Sheppard crossed his arms. "Not leaving him alone. Period."
Five more tentacles joined in the fray-three per squid.
Rodney had to bite back a laugh at the pinched look on Sheppard's face. "Ronon will be back soon, and then we'll get you fish."
Another four made sixteen.
Sheppard was actually trying to hold his ground. "No."
Twenty. They were running out of tentacles. Rodney was trying very hard not to laugh, but it was getting harder with each passing second.
Sheppard actually moved to try and stand behind Rodney. "No. I can't leave him alone guys."
The words "Not alone!" echoed in Rodney's head as four more tentacles started waving. They were up to twenty-four now. "They claim I'm not alone."
John was actually trying to hide behind Rodney. "You guys don't count. You couldn't protect him if there was a need."
There was a thwap and Rodney turned. Sheppard had a "Go fish" Post-it Note stuck to the front of his forehead. That was it. Rodney burst out laughing.
Sheppard shot a glare at him. "Call off your squid, McKay!"
"Not me! All on their own," he said between breaths.
"But they like you! They'll listen to you!"
"And, apparently, they're hungry."
"You know the rules."
"I'm not going fishing."
"Then they have to wait. We all go, or no one does."
The tentacles waving started again.
Sheppard pointed at Rodney. "If he's willing to walk to the lake, I'll fish for you."
"I'm not fishing."
All the sudden Rodney had the tentacle wave of sticky notes in his own face.
"I'll walk there, but I'm not fishing."
"Deal. I'll fish, but I want you in my sight range at all times."
Rodney gestured to the squids around him. "Do you think I'm going to be out of anyone's sight in the near future?"
"My sight, Rodney. I don't care who else watches, you don't leave my sight."
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Fine." As soon as Rodney agreed, the squids turned their "Go fish" Post-It Note tentacles back at Sheppard.
"All right, all right. We'll all go fish."
Rodney had to laugh at the expression on Sheppard's face. If he didn't know any better, he looked a little constipated like a grandparent with no access to prunes.
They probably looked like a parade, with the two of them leading a bunch of bouncy, happy squid waving Post-It notes in the air that all said "Go Fish!"
Too bad no one had a camera.
Continued in part 2.