Team, Week 1: Saving John Sheppard Storytime
Title: Saving John Sheppard Storytime
Author: artemisiabrisol
Genre: Humour, Team
Prompt "Dreams are like rainbows, only idiots chase them."
Word Count: 2,367
Rating: G
Warnings:
Summary: The Team bands together to save John Sheppard Storytime from inevitable disaster.
Notes: Many thanks to chandri and mik100 for remembering the Lucky Charms jingle.
It had taken her weeks to amass enough resources for the next trip to the Athosian settlement.
The Etatgen Harvest Festival had loomed large in her mind and not for any of the usual reasons. She was glad to see her people again and share in their thanks for the gifts of the land, as well as the slightly less reverential reason of seeing Rodney and Dr. Beckett's intoxicated Highland fling dance-off.
But as she gingerly eased herself into a seat next to Rodney at the cafeteria, her muscles decried every last extra stick fighting lesson with sweet toothed Marines her peace of mind had cost her.
"Do you have the goods?" Rodney said through a mouthful of jam smeared bread.
"What's good?" Ronon sat beside them and stared expectantly as Rodney’s pudding.
Teyla and Rodney exchanged a look.
"It's time that we let Chewie here share the burden of being on Team Sheppard," Rodney intoned as he put a protective hand over his pudding.
Teyla nodded and brought up her travel knapsack to the table. It made a heavy thud. She zipped the bag open and Ronon looked in. "We have an... agreement with the children at the Athosian settlement."
"A highly lucrative agreement for those capitalist pigs," Rodney pouted. "Do you know how many night shifts I've had to work for Miko and Zelenka?"
Ronon stared at the contents of the bag. "That's a lot of chocolate."
"A chocolate square for each child," Teyla said proudly. Her calculations had been exact.
"One chocolate bar for rapt stillness and appropriate 'ooh' and 'ahh' sounds. With extra pieces for tears, contented sighs, burrowing faces into your neighbours shoulder in fear and exclamations of ‘Oh no!’ and ‘Another story please,'" cooed Rodney in a saccharine voice.
Ronon seemed innerved by Rodney's impression of a naive young Athosian toddler. "Is this about Sheppard's stories?"
Teyla sighed. John's insistence on sharing the stories of his planet with the Athosian children had been charming at first. Such strange and exotic objects such as "goalie masks" and "chainsaws" and "remote cabins in the wood full of nubile teenagers" had entertained the children at first. But soon the novelty wore off and the children had to be bribed to listen to strange tales such as "Molly Ringwald's Quest for the Perfect Prom Date."
She knew that their disinterest would deeply wound John and so had come to this little arrangement with Rodney after he had burst into her chambers after a session that had been particularly poorly attended.
"If they don't like it, he mopes for weeks and spends all his time thinking of a better story to keep the brats entertained and no time figuring out how to kill the Wraith before they turn Atlantis into an all you can eat buffet," Rodney had shouted to her ceiling.
"John is most welcome among the villagers but the sharing of Earth stories is becoming quite a chore for the children," Teyla conceded.
Rodney stopped his wild gesticulating and stopped in the middle of the room. "Wait a minute. When you said the children were all off hunting the Ogopogo or whatever scary beast it is you sacrifice your youth to..."
Teyla squirmed uncomfortably under Rodney’s accusing glare. "The children were hiding in Eliash's tent."
"We have to stop this,” Rodney said. "We have to save John Sheppard Storytime."
And so Operation Rodney Saves the Day (later shortened Let Us Support John to at Teyla's insistence) was born.
"If you raise your right hand and wiggle your fingers at the appropriate moment, the children will say 'ahh.' This manoeuvre is to be performed when Sheppard has revealed an aspect of his story that should be shocking," Teyla revealed in a low voice.
Ronon was silent for a moment. "How I am supposed to know the right moment?"
Teyla nodded. A good question. Sheppard's stories were often puzzling and the expected reactions were difficult to discern.
"The best way to guess the correct moment is when he looks expectantly at the children and gestures wildly with his hands," Teyla decided. "If he leans back and crosses his arms, this means that he is expecting an ‘ooh.’ The hand signal for this is to raise your left hand, and scratch your eyebrow."
"This is too complication," Ronon said dully.
Teyla, at the beginning of her friendship with John Sheppard would have agreed. The idea of letting a military leader embarrass himself in front of children while relating the story of the incompetent warriors Ashton and Sean Scott locate their vehicle which they had foolishly misplaced, seemed almost cruel.
"It is not complicated if we divide the tasks between us," Teyla said firmly. "We must support John in this endeavour."
Teyla appreciated Satedan military training. It made men pliable.
"All right.” Ronon watched Sheppard as he entered the cafeteria flanked by Marines discussing supplies for the mainland. “And what if one of them doesn't want to listen to him?"
"Shoot 'em," Rodney said wearily finishing his lunch and reaching into his bag to begin his off world ritual. He opened a knapsack full of medication, bug sprays, lotions and allergy medications.
Ronon looked at Teyla who inclined her head to indicate that Rodney was joking. "We would greatly appreciate your aid."
"You're only a true member of the team once you've enduring John Sheppard Story Hour," Rodney said darkly as he rubbed some fowl smelling lotion on his nose.
"On Sateda," Ronon said after a beat, "the traditional way of welcoming a new soldier into the section was running a gauntlet of knives held by superior offices. We called it the 'Run of A Thousand Cuts.'"
Teyla and Rodney allowed Ronon a moment for nostalgia.
"So, you in?" Rodney extended a hand slathered in lotion.
"Beats disinfecting knife wounds for the next two weeks," Ronon shrugged and took Rodney's hand.
The full moons over the Athosian settlement warmed the faces of all who gathered to celebrate the Etatgen. The elders sat at the head of the table and directed the placement of the foods to the altars of the Ancestors. The men and women prepared the feast for the group in the tent, its smells drifting out into the dark forest. And the children were all gathered in a tight circle around John Sheppard.
Teyla sat with a smile on her face as she set a warm cup of Tatham on her knee, leaving her right hand free to direct the audience. Ronon and Rodney were perched on low benches on John's left where Rodney was furtively dispensing chocolate bars to the children who demanded their payment up front.
John affectionately waved at the children. "All right kids, settle down. I know you're all excited about the new story."
The children's trained gaze went to Teyla's right hand which she formed into a fist.
"Tell us a story Uncle John!" cried the theatrical daughter of Trug'an.
"We’re so excited," said the young Bentan, son of Nuella, in a sarcastic tone as he licked chocolate from his face.
Teyla frowned. Bentan was in the middle of the life cycle known to the Athosians as Pe-ma’an or Time of Changing Seasons. On Earth, Rodney informed her that it was his teenage brat phase. On Sateda, Ronon had said that it was "Time to Join the Army." Bentan was getting more and more difficult to restrain during these sessions.'
John seemed to take the sarcasm in stride. "I’m glad to hear that because I've got a good one for you. It starts on a distant planet in a strange forest far from here called the Dark Forest."
"How delicious," Rodney said sourly.
Rodney was pointedly ignored by John's face but admonished severely by John's boot which collided painfully with Rodney's shin.
"Now, in the forest lived two young people called Dick and Jane."
Bentan snorted. Several of the children beside him began to laugh.
"What sort of a name is Dick?" he challenge to the storyteller.
"What sort of a name is Bentan?" John shot back.
Bentan stuck out his chin and thumped his chest with pride. "It means 'He who slays the Tanitch.'"
John rubbed his chin. "And Dick means... 'He who slays the ladies.'"
Rodney smacked his hand into his forehead.
The children all clapped.
"Not yet," Teyla whispered.
John’s face twitched in confusion but he continued. "Dick and Jane had a dog named Spot and they were all training to be warriors and hunters. Maybe not Spot. He mostly just peed on things. But their village was threatened by an evil beast."
Rodney suddenly developed a furious itch on his eyebrow.
"Ooh," the children chorused.
"Yes!" John said triumphantly. "This beast ravaged the land and stole the magic charms from the people which protected their village. This horrible creature was called the Leprechaun!"
The children looked expectantly at Teyla who tapped her finger on the bench three times.
"Sounds scary Uncle John," said the gap toothed son of Thani’ll.
"He was," John said, gaining enthusiasm. "The leprechaun had stolen the lucky charms from the village. There was the star of Dallas, the horseshoe of the Stallions, the heart of the Orioles, the blue moons of Fogerty, the clovers of Boston and the 99 red balloons. He put them all in his pot of gold and hid them at the end of the rainbow."
"Oh. My. God," Rodney gasped.
"Though many a brave warrior from the village had tried to rescue their treasures from the evil leprechaun, they were each defeated."
Ronon proved an apt learner and the children were soon ahh-ing to great effect.
"Dick and Jane decided to go on a quest with Jane's trusty Spoon of Justice and Dick's Bowl Shield of Might and followed the rainbow to the leprechaun’s secret base in the forest."
"If he's so scary," Bentan's nasal voice rang out, "why is he so stupid as to leave a path to his camp?"
"It's not a path, it's a rainbow."
"That’s dumb," Bentan said and a couple of children nodded.
John's face fell. He looked down at his hands and his lower lip began to tremble.
Teyla shot a panicked look towards Rodney.
"It's a perfectly... valid way of transport on earth," Rodney choked out. "Many beings use it. Like Care Bears." He looked like he was about to cry.
Teyla added some further encouragement. "This enemy sounds quite formidable. Please continue John."
With a bit of left foot wiggling, the children chorused "Please continue! Please!"
"All right," John relented. "So, Dick and Jane were camped out in the forest when they saw the rainbow above. They followed the rainbow to a clearing the forest where Lucky was waiting for them with his weapon drawn. 'You’ll never get me lucky charms!' he cackled striking fear into the hearts of Dick and Jane."
"Lucky? That’s a dumber name than Dick," Bentan shouted. "This is a stupid-"
It was then that Ronon slowly brought out his gun from the folds of his leathered jacket. Bentan’s mouth gaped open. His eyes widened as Ronon slowly armed it and let it rest on his knee with the muzzle aimed at Bentan's head.
The skill of survival was one highly praised by the Athosians. Teyla had learned from a young age to look deep into the eyes of the Gun-tain beast in the forest to know whether it meant you harm or not. To be unable to sense danger where danger there was, was a failing of an Athosian youth and marked them for a brief life.
Bentan was a survivor.
"Please Uncle John," Bentan said weakly, his voice breaking. "Please continue."
The rest of story time continued uninterrupted as the children sat with wide eyes and gasped every time the story revealed another twist (including the appearance of a ddeply tragic figure who was trapped in a never ending quest to discover his 'Twixs' and a less than trustworthy bear who was on the run from the authorities for thieving the precious 'Sugar Crisps') until the story came to an end. Rodney smacked his head and the children leapt to their feet with thunderous applause - once Ronon put this gun away.
"Best story yet, Uncle John!" Bentan enthused standing and slowly backing away. "I cannot wait until next festival."
The rest of the children were paternally patted on the head (with some encouragement from the content’s of Rodney's knapsack) and then rushed off to the feasting tent.
John was luminescent. "My first standing ovation."
"What other great cultural works of Earth will you be mining next week? The great cartoon classics of the 80's? After school specials of the early 90's?" Rodney snapped.
Teyla pointedly ignored Rodney’s caustic mood and smiled warmly at John. "That was most interesting. I am sure that the children enjoyed the story a great deal."
"I didn't overdo it with Count Chocola? A couple of the young ones seemed a little scared." John looked worried.
At the cost of three extra chocolate squares, Teyla felt her sacrifices had been well worth John's proud smile.
"I am sure that they are capable of dealing with the psychological damages caused by the never-ending saga of the Trixs rabbit." Rodney rolled his eyes.
"Good. See you at the feasting tent. Looking forward to this year's fling," John said over his shoulder. "I hear Beckett’s been practicing."
The rest of the team stood watching him until he was safely out of earshot.
Rodney gave Ronon an awkward pat on the back. "Welcome to Team Sheppard."
Ronon grinned toothily and shrugged in an attempt to conceal his pleasure. "Wasn't so bad."
"That was worse than last year," Teyla groaned taking another sip from her cup. She eyed Nuella's barrel of petach cider. "We should join the feast. We are well deserving of some reward."
The started walking towards the tent when Rodney stopped dead in his tracks. "What does he mean, fling?"
Ronon and Teyla exchanged a smile. They had yet to include Rodney in Operation Let Us Support Rodney's Fondness for Cultural Dance.
"Come," Teyla said as took Rodney by the shoulder and led him towards the feasting tent. "Tell me about these Care Bears."
Author: artemisiabrisol
Genre: Humour, Team
Prompt "Dreams are like rainbows, only idiots chase them."
Word Count: 2,367
Rating: G
Warnings:
Summary: The Team bands together to save John Sheppard Storytime from inevitable disaster.
Notes: Many thanks to chandri and mik100 for remembering the Lucky Charms jingle.
It had taken her weeks to amass enough resources for the next trip to the Athosian settlement.
The Etatgen Harvest Festival had loomed large in her mind and not for any of the usual reasons. She was glad to see her people again and share in their thanks for the gifts of the land, as well as the slightly less reverential reason of seeing Rodney and Dr. Beckett's intoxicated Highland fling dance-off.
But as she gingerly eased herself into a seat next to Rodney at the cafeteria, her muscles decried every last extra stick fighting lesson with sweet toothed Marines her peace of mind had cost her.
"Do you have the goods?" Rodney said through a mouthful of jam smeared bread.
"What's good?" Ronon sat beside them and stared expectantly as Rodney’s pudding.
Teyla and Rodney exchanged a look.
"It's time that we let Chewie here share the burden of being on Team Sheppard," Rodney intoned as he put a protective hand over his pudding.
Teyla nodded and brought up her travel knapsack to the table. It made a heavy thud. She zipped the bag open and Ronon looked in. "We have an... agreement with the children at the Athosian settlement."
"A highly lucrative agreement for those capitalist pigs," Rodney pouted. "Do you know how many night shifts I've had to work for Miko and Zelenka?"
Ronon stared at the contents of the bag. "That's a lot of chocolate."
"A chocolate square for each child," Teyla said proudly. Her calculations had been exact.
"One chocolate bar for rapt stillness and appropriate 'ooh' and 'ahh' sounds. With extra pieces for tears, contented sighs, burrowing faces into your neighbours shoulder in fear and exclamations of ‘Oh no!’ and ‘Another story please,'" cooed Rodney in a saccharine voice.
Ronon seemed innerved by Rodney's impression of a naive young Athosian toddler. "Is this about Sheppard's stories?"
Teyla sighed. John's insistence on sharing the stories of his planet with the Athosian children had been charming at first. Such strange and exotic objects such as "goalie masks" and "chainsaws" and "remote cabins in the wood full of nubile teenagers" had entertained the children at first. But soon the novelty wore off and the children had to be bribed to listen to strange tales such as "Molly Ringwald's Quest for the Perfect Prom Date."
She knew that their disinterest would deeply wound John and so had come to this little arrangement with Rodney after he had burst into her chambers after a session that had been particularly poorly attended.
"If they don't like it, he mopes for weeks and spends all his time thinking of a better story to keep the brats entertained and no time figuring out how to kill the Wraith before they turn Atlantis into an all you can eat buffet," Rodney had shouted to her ceiling.
"John is most welcome among the villagers but the sharing of Earth stories is becoming quite a chore for the children," Teyla conceded.
Rodney stopped his wild gesticulating and stopped in the middle of the room. "Wait a minute. When you said the children were all off hunting the Ogopogo or whatever scary beast it is you sacrifice your youth to..."
Teyla squirmed uncomfortably under Rodney’s accusing glare. "The children were hiding in Eliash's tent."
"We have to stop this,” Rodney said. "We have to save John Sheppard Storytime."
And so Operation Rodney Saves the Day (later shortened Let Us Support John to at Teyla's insistence) was born.
"If you raise your right hand and wiggle your fingers at the appropriate moment, the children will say 'ahh.' This manoeuvre is to be performed when Sheppard has revealed an aspect of his story that should be shocking," Teyla revealed in a low voice.
Ronon was silent for a moment. "How I am supposed to know the right moment?"
Teyla nodded. A good question. Sheppard's stories were often puzzling and the expected reactions were difficult to discern.
"The best way to guess the correct moment is when he looks expectantly at the children and gestures wildly with his hands," Teyla decided. "If he leans back and crosses his arms, this means that he is expecting an ‘ooh.’ The hand signal for this is to raise your left hand, and scratch your eyebrow."
"This is too complication," Ronon said dully.
Teyla, at the beginning of her friendship with John Sheppard would have agreed. The idea of letting a military leader embarrass himself in front of children while relating the story of the incompetent warriors Ashton and Sean Scott locate their vehicle which they had foolishly misplaced, seemed almost cruel.
"It is not complicated if we divide the tasks between us," Teyla said firmly. "We must support John in this endeavour."
Teyla appreciated Satedan military training. It made men pliable.
"All right.” Ronon watched Sheppard as he entered the cafeteria flanked by Marines discussing supplies for the mainland. “And what if one of them doesn't want to listen to him?"
"Shoot 'em," Rodney said wearily finishing his lunch and reaching into his bag to begin his off world ritual. He opened a knapsack full of medication, bug sprays, lotions and allergy medications.
Ronon looked at Teyla who inclined her head to indicate that Rodney was joking. "We would greatly appreciate your aid."
"You're only a true member of the team once you've enduring John Sheppard Story Hour," Rodney said darkly as he rubbed some fowl smelling lotion on his nose.
"On Sateda," Ronon said after a beat, "the traditional way of welcoming a new soldier into the section was running a gauntlet of knives held by superior offices. We called it the 'Run of A Thousand Cuts.'"
Teyla and Rodney allowed Ronon a moment for nostalgia.
"So, you in?" Rodney extended a hand slathered in lotion.
"Beats disinfecting knife wounds for the next two weeks," Ronon shrugged and took Rodney's hand.
The full moons over the Athosian settlement warmed the faces of all who gathered to celebrate the Etatgen. The elders sat at the head of the table and directed the placement of the foods to the altars of the Ancestors. The men and women prepared the feast for the group in the tent, its smells drifting out into the dark forest. And the children were all gathered in a tight circle around John Sheppard.
Teyla sat with a smile on her face as she set a warm cup of Tatham on her knee, leaving her right hand free to direct the audience. Ronon and Rodney were perched on low benches on John's left where Rodney was furtively dispensing chocolate bars to the children who demanded their payment up front.
John affectionately waved at the children. "All right kids, settle down. I know you're all excited about the new story."
The children's trained gaze went to Teyla's right hand which she formed into a fist.
"Tell us a story Uncle John!" cried the theatrical daughter of Trug'an.
"We’re so excited," said the young Bentan, son of Nuella, in a sarcastic tone as he licked chocolate from his face.
Teyla frowned. Bentan was in the middle of the life cycle known to the Athosians as Pe-ma’an or Time of Changing Seasons. On Earth, Rodney informed her that it was his teenage brat phase. On Sateda, Ronon had said that it was "Time to Join the Army." Bentan was getting more and more difficult to restrain during these sessions.'
John seemed to take the sarcasm in stride. "I’m glad to hear that because I've got a good one for you. It starts on a distant planet in a strange forest far from here called the Dark Forest."
"How delicious," Rodney said sourly.
Rodney was pointedly ignored by John's face but admonished severely by John's boot which collided painfully with Rodney's shin.
"Now, in the forest lived two young people called Dick and Jane."
Bentan snorted. Several of the children beside him began to laugh.
"What sort of a name is Dick?" he challenge to the storyteller.
"What sort of a name is Bentan?" John shot back.
Bentan stuck out his chin and thumped his chest with pride. "It means 'He who slays the Tanitch.'"
John rubbed his chin. "And Dick means... 'He who slays the ladies.'"
Rodney smacked his hand into his forehead.
The children all clapped.
"Not yet," Teyla whispered.
John’s face twitched in confusion but he continued. "Dick and Jane had a dog named Spot and they were all training to be warriors and hunters. Maybe not Spot. He mostly just peed on things. But their village was threatened by an evil beast."
Rodney suddenly developed a furious itch on his eyebrow.
"Ooh," the children chorused.
"Yes!" John said triumphantly. "This beast ravaged the land and stole the magic charms from the people which protected their village. This horrible creature was called the Leprechaun!"
The children looked expectantly at Teyla who tapped her finger on the bench three times.
"Sounds scary Uncle John," said the gap toothed son of Thani’ll.
"He was," John said, gaining enthusiasm. "The leprechaun had stolen the lucky charms from the village. There was the star of Dallas, the horseshoe of the Stallions, the heart of the Orioles, the blue moons of Fogerty, the clovers of Boston and the 99 red balloons. He put them all in his pot of gold and hid them at the end of the rainbow."
"Oh. My. God," Rodney gasped.
"Though many a brave warrior from the village had tried to rescue their treasures from the evil leprechaun, they were each defeated."
Ronon proved an apt learner and the children were soon ahh-ing to great effect.
"Dick and Jane decided to go on a quest with Jane's trusty Spoon of Justice and Dick's Bowl Shield of Might and followed the rainbow to the leprechaun’s secret base in the forest."
"If he's so scary," Bentan's nasal voice rang out, "why is he so stupid as to leave a path to his camp?"
"It's not a path, it's a rainbow."
"That’s dumb," Bentan said and a couple of children nodded.
John's face fell. He looked down at his hands and his lower lip began to tremble.
Teyla shot a panicked look towards Rodney.
"It's a perfectly... valid way of transport on earth," Rodney choked out. "Many beings use it. Like Care Bears." He looked like he was about to cry.
Teyla added some further encouragement. "This enemy sounds quite formidable. Please continue John."
With a bit of left foot wiggling, the children chorused "Please continue! Please!"
"All right," John relented. "So, Dick and Jane were camped out in the forest when they saw the rainbow above. They followed the rainbow to a clearing the forest where Lucky was waiting for them with his weapon drawn. 'You’ll never get me lucky charms!' he cackled striking fear into the hearts of Dick and Jane."
"Lucky? That’s a dumber name than Dick," Bentan shouted. "This is a stupid-"
It was then that Ronon slowly brought out his gun from the folds of his leathered jacket. Bentan’s mouth gaped open. His eyes widened as Ronon slowly armed it and let it rest on his knee with the muzzle aimed at Bentan's head.
The skill of survival was one highly praised by the Athosians. Teyla had learned from a young age to look deep into the eyes of the Gun-tain beast in the forest to know whether it meant you harm or not. To be unable to sense danger where danger there was, was a failing of an Athosian youth and marked them for a brief life.
Bentan was a survivor.
"Please Uncle John," Bentan said weakly, his voice breaking. "Please continue."
The rest of story time continued uninterrupted as the children sat with wide eyes and gasped every time the story revealed another twist (including the appearance of a ddeply tragic figure who was trapped in a never ending quest to discover his 'Twixs' and a less than trustworthy bear who was on the run from the authorities for thieving the precious 'Sugar Crisps') until the story came to an end. Rodney smacked his head and the children leapt to their feet with thunderous applause - once Ronon put this gun away.
"Best story yet, Uncle John!" Bentan enthused standing and slowly backing away. "I cannot wait until next festival."
The rest of the children were paternally patted on the head (with some encouragement from the content’s of Rodney's knapsack) and then rushed off to the feasting tent.
John was luminescent. "My first standing ovation."
"What other great cultural works of Earth will you be mining next week? The great cartoon classics of the 80's? After school specials of the early 90's?" Rodney snapped.
Teyla pointedly ignored Rodney’s caustic mood and smiled warmly at John. "That was most interesting. I am sure that the children enjoyed the story a great deal."
"I didn't overdo it with Count Chocola? A couple of the young ones seemed a little scared." John looked worried.
At the cost of three extra chocolate squares, Teyla felt her sacrifices had been well worth John's proud smile.
"I am sure that they are capable of dealing with the psychological damages caused by the never-ending saga of the Trixs rabbit." Rodney rolled his eyes.
"Good. See you at the feasting tent. Looking forward to this year's fling," John said over his shoulder. "I hear Beckett’s been practicing."
The rest of the team stood watching him until he was safely out of earshot.
Rodney gave Ronon an awkward pat on the back. "Welcome to Team Sheppard."
Ronon grinned toothily and shrugged in an attempt to conceal his pleasure. "Wasn't so bad."
"That was worse than last year," Teyla groaned taking another sip from her cup. She eyed Nuella's barrel of petach cider. "We should join the feast. We are well deserving of some reward."
The started walking towards the tent when Rodney stopped dead in his tracks. "What does he mean, fling?"
Ronon and Teyla exchanged a smile. They had yet to include Rodney in Operation Let Us Support Rodney's Fondness for Cultural Dance.
"Come," Teyla said as took Rodney by the shoulder and led him towards the feasting tent. "Tell me about these Care Bears."