Humor, Week 1: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Atlantis
Title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Atlantis (With apologies to Stephen Sondheim, Leiber and Stoller, Gilbert and Sullivan, Irving Berlin, Tim Rice, Mel Brooks, T.S. Eliot, and Jerry Ross.)
Author: jem
Genre: Humor
Prompt: Music
Word Count: ~1,750
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: The purveyors of this musical satire hope very much that they don't get stuck on toilet duty. Failing that, they'll settle for not being court-martialed.
Pirates of Pegasus Productions Presents
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO ATLANTIS
A Musical In One Act
STARRING
COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD
Lieutenant Laura Cadman
DR. RODNEY MCKAY
Major Evan Lorne
TEYLA EMMAGEN
Dr. Lindsey Novak
RONON DEX
Sergeant Dusty Mehra
DR. ELIZABETH WEIR
Dr. Radek Zelenka
DR. CARSON BECKETT
Chuck "hey don't I get a last name" the Technician
John poked Rodney as they took their seats. "Who the heck came up with this?" The first he'd heard of it was an e-mail he'd gotten that morning "requiring attendance" at "an evening of completely inappropriate and definitely court-martialable (please don't court-martial us) entertainment." It had rather made him feel like scheduling a last-minute off-world mission for himself.
"Your guess is as good as mine. If I'd known about it, I'd have given Radek more work to do, as clearly he has too much time on his hands. But with anything this nonsensical, my bet is that it has to be Cadman. That woman has it in for me."
"Yes, Rodney," said Teyla from beside them, her tone not revealing a hint of irony, "I am certain this entire production was simply to annoy you. I shall be amazed if it has any humor value whatsoever."
"Colonel, she's making fun of me again!"
"Settle down, kids," said John, in his long-suffering voice.
Fortunately, at that moment the lights dimmed and the buzzing audience quieted. Spotlights immediately lit up circles of brightness on the dark stage, and one after another, five heads began popping up and launching into song and dance.
Are you totally whacked? Do you have a freak gene?
Have you rescued whole worlds? With a single brainstorm?
Are your main forms of food MREs and caffeine?
Have you ever swapped minds with another life form?
Because Lanteans are and Lanteans do
Lanteans do and Lanteans would
Lanteans would and Lanteans can
Lanteans can and Lanteans do . . .
"Okay, this is a little scarily close to home," muttered Rodney over the music.
"I'm just impressed that they can all sing," whispered Carson. "Did you know they could sing?"
"I'm bracing myself for when they play 'us,'" was John's ominous input.
He was wise to be nervous.
I am the very model of an egotistic scientist
I'm overbearing, arrogant, and just a little self-obsessed.
But it's fine 'cause afterall, I really do know everything
From M-theory to Ancient tech to reloading my magazine.
Though very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I have no social graces and my manner's autocratical,
Atlantis techs, they fear me more than twenty squadrons of Genii
But that I'm good at everything, is something no one can deny!
"Hey, I know a lot about the binomial theorem!" hissed Rodney as Lorne continued the song to hoots from the audience. "They could have just kept the original lyrics!"
"But then it would not be as humorous," said, of all people, Teyla.
"Wait, you know Gilbert and Sullivan?" Elizabeth asked Rodney from the row behind them with sly interest.
"I-it was a high school production! I have an excellent memory!" He crossed his arms sulkily. "Just wait until they mock all of you. You won't be laughing so hard then."
I can nail every shot with a P-90 gun
And not even break a sweat
I can take out a dozen Wraith by myself
I'm a scourge they'll never forget!
I look so hot while I'm sparring
While I kick Sheppard's ass and what's more-
Drop 'im with my sticks, go and broker
A treaty and be back before he hits the gym floor
'Cause I'm a woman
Double-U O M A N!
I'll say it again!
"All quite true," Teyla acknowledged in a satisfied voice.
"Hey, how come Teyla always comes out all right even when we're being mocked?" demanded Rodney a little sorely.
"I dunno," said John distractedly.
"I didn't notice. I was too busy watching Novak do that kicking thing," put in Carson, equally absently.
"She can dance very well," agreed Teyla.
"Wasn't her dancing I was watching," said Ronon bluntly.
Rodney snorted. "Caveman."
"Oh, Rodney, don't pretend you weren't looking too."
"What? Elizabeth! You-you're my boss! That's, that's sexual harassment!"
There's no business like AT-lantis
I'm nuts, but it's a fact!
Unexpected wormhole activation,
Having Sheppard's team come back through hot!
Groaning as their debrief of the mission's
The definition of crackpot!
"Sometimes I do think you adore this job a touch too much, love," commented Carson to a stymied Elizabeth.
"Who knew Radek could sing?" was John's reaction.
"He really does capture you," said Rodney with a smug smile, finally getting his comeuppance. "Quite amazing."
"His performance is very enthusiastic," put in Teyla appreciatively.
"I need to talk to whoever who cast this," said Elizabeth with narrowed eyes, as the song finished and Radek began a mock debriefing of the "team," complete with absurd rundowns of injuries, a narrative of a something that sounded half like a witch hunt and half like a scavenger hunt and that ended in "Ronon" and "Sheppard" accidentally getting married, and a culminating tale of the natives chasing them from town with sporks. "I have this distinct feeling some people might be pulling latrine duty very soon. Just a suspicion, mind you."
We've gotta have heart
All we really need is heart
Though the odds meant the Ancients couldn't win
That's when the grin should start!
We've gotta have hope
It's the only way to cope
Nothing's half as bad as it may appear
Hey, are we dead yet? Nope!
When we're totally surrounded
It's call to celebrate
For in a minute, if we aren't dead
Our C-4 might detonate! There's nothing to it; Sheppard'll do it! Trust me!
We've gotta have heart-
Lots and lots and lots of heart
Oh, the Wraith may outnumber us of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart
First we've gotta have heart!
"I'm not really that annoyingly perky, am I?" asked Carson, as Chuck merrily stabbed excessively large needles into the "team" on stage as he sang.
"It's a good thing to be caricatured for," Elizabeth reassured him.
"Actually, you might sound like that sometimes," Rodney felt the need to add.
"Well, never like that," said Carson, a little offended. "Chuck's Scottish accent is bloody terrible. Just listen to it."
"I can't tell the difference," said John and Rodney at the same time, turning to him in tandem.
Carson banged his forehead against the back of the chair in front of him.
Dear kindly Dr. Weir
The girl came onto me!
I'm just so doggone charming
It happened naturally!
I just wanna explode things
But her daddy grabbed that gun . . .
Every planet, that's why we gotta run!
"Wait a second, I don't preen," said John, affronted, as Cadman pranced around the stage mussing up her hair to uproarious laughter. He frowned suddenly. "Do I?"
"Only when you don't know we're watching," said Ronon, attention on the stage as the lieutenant launched wholeheartedly into a fourth verse.
"Wait, are you serious?" John poked Rodney next to him. "Is he serious?"
"Not so funny now that the shoe's on the other foot, is it, Colonel?" said Rodney with satisfaction.
"I take it back," put in Elizabeth. "This is very well cast."
Fools! You have no perception!
The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high!
We must destroy them completely-
For the sake of our planets, the Wraith all must die!
(Well, we'll have some fun at it, but the Wraith all must die.)
Must die, must die, the Wraith, they must die
Yes, without exception, the Wraith all must die.
Must die, must die, the Wraith they must, Wraith they must, WRAITH THEY MUST DIE!
"She really does a remarkably good you," said John, as Mehra, maniacal glint in her eyes, rocked out the last lines to thunderous applause. "That's kind of impressive. And . . . frightening."
"Yeah," said Ronon, sounding a little impressed himself. "Cool."
"'Cool?' You are insane!" hissed Rodney. "And for heaven's sake, where did they dig up these songs?"
"I believe that one is from Jesus Christ Superstar," said Teyla serenely.
John elbowed his chief scientist. "Ha. Trumped in pop culture by the Pegasus native."
Thanks for coming to see our play!
(You had way better things to do with your day.)
And hey, we're totally taken aback-
We've made it to the end, and with no Wraith attack!
If you liked it, feel free to make a fuss
And if you think it stunk, please don't court-martial us!
We're glad you came but we have to shout
Adios, au revoir, wiedersehen, ta-ta-ta . . .
Pirates of Pegasus OUT!
The improvised curtain fell, and the miscreants in the cast came out, laughing and bowing, to catcalls and applause. Even Rodney was seen to be clapping. Enthusiastically.
"What do you think? Shall we let them off disciplinary action just this once?" John called to Elizabeth over the ovation.
"Just this once," she agreed with a smile.
Years later, newcomers to the base would still receive an e-mail upon arrival directing them to download a copy of the video off the server and watch it as "the best introduction to the insanity of the Atlantis mission that you will ever get."
(Songs, in order: "Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats" from Cats, "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from Pirates of Penzance, "I'm a Woman" from Smokey Joe's Cafe, "There's No Business Like Show Business" from Annie Get Your Gun, "Heart" from Damn Yankees, "Gee Officer Krupke" from West Side Story, "Jesus Must Die" from Jesus Christ Superstar, and "Goodbye" from The Producers.)
Author: jem
Genre: Humor
Prompt: Music
Word Count: ~1,750
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Summary: The purveyors of this musical satire hope very much that they don't get stuck on toilet duty. Failing that, they'll settle for not being court-martialed.
Pirates of Pegasus Productions Presents
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO ATLANTIS
A Musical In One Act
STARRING
COLONEL JOHN SHEPPARD
Lieutenant Laura Cadman
DR. RODNEY MCKAY
Major Evan Lorne
TEYLA EMMAGEN
Dr. Lindsey Novak
RONON DEX
Sergeant Dusty Mehra
DR. ELIZABETH WEIR
Dr. Radek Zelenka
DR. CARSON BECKETT
Chuck "hey don't I get a last name" the Technician
John poked Rodney as they took their seats. "Who the heck came up with this?" The first he'd heard of it was an e-mail he'd gotten that morning "requiring attendance" at "an evening of completely inappropriate and definitely court-martialable (please don't court-martial us) entertainment." It had rather made him feel like scheduling a last-minute off-world mission for himself.
"Your guess is as good as mine. If I'd known about it, I'd have given Radek more work to do, as clearly he has too much time on his hands. But with anything this nonsensical, my bet is that it has to be Cadman. That woman has it in for me."
"Yes, Rodney," said Teyla from beside them, her tone not revealing a hint of irony, "I am certain this entire production was simply to annoy you. I shall be amazed if it has any humor value whatsoever."
"Colonel, she's making fun of me again!"
"Settle down, kids," said John, in his long-suffering voice.
Fortunately, at that moment the lights dimmed and the buzzing audience quieted. Spotlights immediately lit up circles of brightness on the dark stage, and one after another, five heads began popping up and launching into song and dance.
Are you totally whacked? Do you have a freak gene?
Have you rescued whole worlds? With a single brainstorm?
Are your main forms of food MREs and caffeine?
Have you ever swapped minds with another life form?
Because Lanteans are and Lanteans do
Lanteans do and Lanteans would
Lanteans would and Lanteans can
Lanteans can and Lanteans do . . .
"Okay, this is a little scarily close to home," muttered Rodney over the music.
"I'm just impressed that they can all sing," whispered Carson. "Did you know they could sing?"
"I'm bracing myself for when they play 'us,'" was John's ominous input.
He was wise to be nervous.
I am the very model of an egotistic scientist
I'm overbearing, arrogant, and just a little self-obsessed.
But it's fine 'cause afterall, I really do know everything
From M-theory to Ancient tech to reloading my magazine.
Though very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I have no social graces and my manner's autocratical,
Atlantis techs, they fear me more than twenty squadrons of Genii
But that I'm good at everything, is something no one can deny!
"Hey, I know a lot about the binomial theorem!" hissed Rodney as Lorne continued the song to hoots from the audience. "They could have just kept the original lyrics!"
"But then it would not be as humorous," said, of all people, Teyla.
"Wait, you know Gilbert and Sullivan?" Elizabeth asked Rodney from the row behind them with sly interest.
"I-it was a high school production! I have an excellent memory!" He crossed his arms sulkily. "Just wait until they mock all of you. You won't be laughing so hard then."
I can nail every shot with a P-90 gun
And not even break a sweat
I can take out a dozen Wraith by myself
I'm a scourge they'll never forget!
I look so hot while I'm sparring
While I kick Sheppard's ass and what's more-
Drop 'im with my sticks, go and broker
A treaty and be back before he hits the gym floor
'Cause I'm a woman
Double-U O M A N!
I'll say it again!
"All quite true," Teyla acknowledged in a satisfied voice.
"Hey, how come Teyla always comes out all right even when we're being mocked?" demanded Rodney a little sorely.
"I dunno," said John distractedly.
"I didn't notice. I was too busy watching Novak do that kicking thing," put in Carson, equally absently.
"She can dance very well," agreed Teyla.
"Wasn't her dancing I was watching," said Ronon bluntly.
Rodney snorted. "Caveman."
"Oh, Rodney, don't pretend you weren't looking too."
"What? Elizabeth! You-you're my boss! That's, that's sexual harassment!"
There's no business like AT-lantis
I'm nuts, but it's a fact!
Unexpected wormhole activation,
Having Sheppard's team come back through hot!
Groaning as their debrief of the mission's
The definition of crackpot!
"Sometimes I do think you adore this job a touch too much, love," commented Carson to a stymied Elizabeth.
"Who knew Radek could sing?" was John's reaction.
"He really does capture you," said Rodney with a smug smile, finally getting his comeuppance. "Quite amazing."
"His performance is very enthusiastic," put in Teyla appreciatively.
"I need to talk to whoever who cast this," said Elizabeth with narrowed eyes, as the song finished and Radek began a mock debriefing of the "team," complete with absurd rundowns of injuries, a narrative of a something that sounded half like a witch hunt and half like a scavenger hunt and that ended in "Ronon" and "Sheppard" accidentally getting married, and a culminating tale of the natives chasing them from town with sporks. "I have this distinct feeling some people might be pulling latrine duty very soon. Just a suspicion, mind you."
We've gotta have heart
All we really need is heart
Though the odds meant the Ancients couldn't win
That's when the grin should start!
We've gotta have hope
It's the only way to cope
Nothing's half as bad as it may appear
Hey, are we dead yet? Nope!
When we're totally surrounded
It's call to celebrate
For in a minute, if we aren't dead
Our C-4 might detonate! There's nothing to it; Sheppard'll do it! Trust me!
We've gotta have heart-
Lots and lots and lots of heart
Oh, the Wraith may outnumber us of course
But keep that old horse
Before the cart
First we've gotta have heart!
"I'm not really that annoyingly perky, am I?" asked Carson, as Chuck merrily stabbed excessively large needles into the "team" on stage as he sang.
"It's a good thing to be caricatured for," Elizabeth reassured him.
"Actually, you might sound like that sometimes," Rodney felt the need to add.
"Well, never like that," said Carson, a little offended. "Chuck's Scottish accent is bloody terrible. Just listen to it."
"I can't tell the difference," said John and Rodney at the same time, turning to him in tandem.
Carson banged his forehead against the back of the chair in front of him.
Dear kindly Dr. Weir
The girl came onto me!
I'm just so doggone charming
It happened naturally!
I just wanna explode things
But her daddy grabbed that gun . . .
Every planet, that's why we gotta run!
"Wait a second, I don't preen," said John, affronted, as Cadman pranced around the stage mussing up her hair to uproarious laughter. He frowned suddenly. "Do I?"
"Only when you don't know we're watching," said Ronon, attention on the stage as the lieutenant launched wholeheartedly into a fourth verse.
"Wait, are you serious?" John poked Rodney next to him. "Is he serious?"
"Not so funny now that the shoe's on the other foot, is it, Colonel?" said Rodney with satisfaction.
"I take it back," put in Elizabeth. "This is very well cast."
Fools! You have no perception!
The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high!
We must destroy them completely-
For the sake of our planets, the Wraith all must die!
(Well, we'll have some fun at it, but the Wraith all must die.)
Must die, must die, the Wraith, they must die
Yes, without exception, the Wraith all must die.
Must die, must die, the Wraith they must, Wraith they must, WRAITH THEY MUST DIE!
"She really does a remarkably good you," said John, as Mehra, maniacal glint in her eyes, rocked out the last lines to thunderous applause. "That's kind of impressive. And . . . frightening."
"Yeah," said Ronon, sounding a little impressed himself. "Cool."
"'Cool?' You are insane!" hissed Rodney. "And for heaven's sake, where did they dig up these songs?"
"I believe that one is from Jesus Christ Superstar," said Teyla serenely.
John elbowed his chief scientist. "Ha. Trumped in pop culture by the Pegasus native."
Thanks for coming to see our play!
(You had way better things to do with your day.)
And hey, we're totally taken aback-
We've made it to the end, and with no Wraith attack!
If you liked it, feel free to make a fuss
And if you think it stunk, please don't court-martial us!
We're glad you came but we have to shout
Adios, au revoir, wiedersehen, ta-ta-ta . . .
Pirates of Pegasus OUT!
The improvised curtain fell, and the miscreants in the cast came out, laughing and bowing, to catcalls and applause. Even Rodney was seen to be clapping. Enthusiastically.
"What do you think? Shall we let them off disciplinary action just this once?" John called to Elizabeth over the ovation.
"Just this once," she agreed with a smile.
Years later, newcomers to the base would still receive an e-mail upon arrival directing them to download a copy of the video off the server and watch it as "the best introduction to the insanity of the Atlantis mission that you will ever get."
(Songs, in order: "Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats" from Cats, "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from Pirates of Penzance, "I'm a Woman" from Smokey Joe's Cafe, "There's No Business Like Show Business" from Annie Get Your Gun, "Heart" from Damn Yankees, "Gee Officer Krupke" from West Side Story, "Jesus Must Die" from Jesus Christ Superstar, and "Goodbye" from The Producers.)