#152: Take Me To Paradise: Part Four
Soundtrack: 24. 1. Jorge Méndez - Cold // 25. Skylar Grey - I Know You // 26. D.O. - Scream // 27. Hozier - Take Me To Church // 28. Sofia Karlberg - Smells Like Teen Spirit // 29. Raign - Don't Let Me Go // 30. Sofia Karlberg - Viva La Vida
???
IX. THE ACCUSATION
Fear - cold, icy, relentless fear - was paralyzing Luhan while he sat in the waiting room of the hospital. It was way past midnight.
Sehun's parents sat across him. They had rushed to Seoul as fast as they could after Luhan had called them.
Anxious silence suffocated them. They didn't know whether Sehun would ever wake up again. The surgeons had already been operating on him for a couple of hours. So far they hadn't gotten any word about the boy's condition.
Luhan was fearfully biting on his lower lip and kneading his hands which just wouldn't stop shaking. He was afraid. He was so afraid.
A million texts from his mother bombarded his phone since he had left the celebration early in such a hurry, but Luhan didn't care. The only thing on his mind was the picture of an unconscious Sehun, face pale, barely breathing. God knows how long he had been unconscious for before Luhan found him …
Luhan blinked away tears that formed in the corner of his eyes. “This is all my fault,” he whispered with a hollow voice.
Sehun's mom looked up. “It's not. Don't even start thinking that way.”
“But it is,” Luhan breathed huskily. “If only I were there -”
“You wouldn't have been able to do anything either.”
“I could have called the ambulance a lot earlier …”
“Luhan …” the woman said softly but with a tearful voice. “This could have happened any other day, any other moment and any other situation. We should be glad that you managed to find him in time.”
“We don't know if I was in time … yet,” Luhan responded.
“I'm sure the doctors will save him. They know what they're doing,” Mrs Jeong spoke confidently but Luhan heard the slight wavering anyway.
“But I should have been there,” Luhan repeated. “I should have known earlier that something wasn't right, I should have -”
“Luhan, it's not your fault. If you start thinking like this you will just drown yourself in guilt and that's not going to help anyone.”
“But whose fault is it then?” Luhan muttered and he couldn't hold the tears back in anymore. He needed someone, something to blame. He needed an outlet. There was so much anxiety and sheer panic pent up within him that he just needed a reason to let it out even if it had to be himself.
“Sometimes bad things just happen,” Mrs Jeong responded. She, too, was fighting tears.
“But why to Sehunnie? He doesn't deserve this!” Luhan pulled up his legs and curled himself to a ball. “He doesn't deserve this …”
After another hour of tense, anxious waiting, a doctor finally entered the waiting room and looked at Sehun's parents who stared at him in fearful anticipation.
“He will live …” the doctor immediately announced and everyone took a deep breath in relief, “... but …” the surgeon continued, “… he was unconscious for at least five hours when he was brought here. It's a miracle that he survived for this long. When … if he ever wakes up again … he will most definitely suffer from severe brain damage.”
Sehun's parents nodded in sad understanding. They had always been well aware of the danger that their adopted son lived in. They had talked about this matter many times. Even though they were devastated to know that Sehun's future now laid in ruins, they weren't exactly surprised. They knew that the chances for this to happen had been high to begin with.
But Luhan wasn't prepared. He thought he would be, but he wasn't.
He had known about Sehun's health condition for a long time now but it hadn't bothered him. Probably because he never worried about it enough. He had always been so happy and satisfied to be with the other that the thought of Sehun's illness actually striking again didn't really occur to him, as he realized now. He had known but he hadn't actually known. Luhan felt like he was pushed into a deep, dark hole in the ground. He fell and fell and coldness enfolded him, crept into his mind, his soul and heart.
“We found three new aneurysms in his head,” the doctor continued and Luhan could only listen in horror. “One of those ripped and caused the bleeding. We had to remove the other two that we found and the ripped one needed to be fixed. We also had to insert a new shunt, which was why it took us so long. So far, he is still in artificial coma and is lying in the intensive care unit where he will probably stay for a long while. We will keep him in the artificial coma for at least two weeks until we're sure that his wounds are healing properly and there aren't any more new aneurysms forming in his head. Then we will try to wake him up again. But honestly … we don't know if it will work.”
“I understand,” Sehun's mom nodded and pulled a handkerchief out of her jacket to wipe away her tears. She buried her face in her husband's chest, who stroked over her back with a pained expression on his face while he tried to comfort her.
Luhan sat on his seat and felt so lonely, so small, so helpless. He had never felt this helpless before. Luhan was all about helping and supporting and standing up for the people who needed it. The people who deserved it. The people he loved.
But he couldn't. Not now.
Especially not now - the situation in which Sehun would need help the most - Luhan couldn't do anything for him. And this realization caused Luhan so much anguish that he felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside out.
~
Luhan didn't feel like himself when he followed Sehun's parents and the doctor to the room where his boyfriend was laying. He felt like he was watching himself slowly walking, almost stumbling a few times with dark circles beneath his eyes with the dawn gradually beginning to shine through the windows of the hospital.
There was a storm of raging emotions inside him that he didn't know how to stop. Never had he felt so desperate, so hopeless, so confused and disoriented. He objectively understood what today meant for him and Sehun, but his heart just couldn't fathom the extent to which his life would change from now on.
And it happened so quickly.
The one second Luhan was giving Sehun a happy goodbye kiss and the next moment … it was all … gone.
Within a day, Luhan's happy life came crashing down on him like a house of cards.
The doctor opened the door to a room into which Luhan and Sehun's parents followed quietly.
And in no way could Luhan have prepared himself for the sight that presented itself in front of his eyes.
A million pipes and wires somehow plugged themselves into Sehun as if he were merely a machine and not a human anymore. A breathing hose in his mouth kept him from suffocating in the artificial coma; another one through his nose would provide nutrition; the ultrasound heart monitor was beeping at a regular pace. The drainages were pumping medications, strong narcotics and painkillers into his blood.
His head was shaved bald - gone was the fabulous, new, blonde hair. A thick bandage was wound around it to cover up the places where they had cut open his skull.
Sehun was such a tall guy with broad shoulders but he seemed so small in the hospital gown draped around his chest. He seemed to drown amidst all the hoses and white bedding.
Luhan couldn't bear it.
He couldn't bear seeing the man he loved like this. He couldn't bear that his lovely, headstrong, genuine, adorable, handsome, joyful boyfriend was reduced to this. To a human being, severely disabled from now on, barely kept alive by machines.
He couldn't bear it.
So he ran.
Luhan wondered if it was possible for anyone to just live a completely happy life from the beginning to the end. He had lived so carefree until now, he thought. Sure, there had been some not so pretty episodes, but nothing - nothing - could compare to the agony he was going through now. He wondered if, at the end of day, people were supposed to live in a balance between happiness and sadness. He had lived so happily until now. Was this his balance? Had he consumed all of his happiness for his life on earth already?
He loved Sehun so, so much. And now the boy was hurt, his brain was damaged, and Luhan couldn't do anything. Would he ever be able to look Sehun in the eyes again? Tell him that he loved him? Would Sehun even understand him if he did? Would he ever be able to laugh and joke around with the younger? Would they be able to watch movies together? Go out and drink bubble tea? Kiss each other? Love each other?
Would they ever be able to be happy again?
He didn't know, and that was probably what scared him the most.
~
“There you are!” Mrs Jeong exclaimed when she spotted Luhan sitting on one of the tables at the hospital's kiosk. “I've been looking for you.”
“Sorry,” Luhan muttered robotically while he mindlessly stared into nothing.
The woman walked towards the kiosk and bought coffee and snacks for them. She pulled out the chair across from Luhan and sat down. “Here,” she shoved one of the cups and a cereal bar in his direction. “You look like you need it.”
Luhan stared at her and slowly stretched out his arm to pull the cup towards him. He lifted his shaking hand to take a few tiny sips. “How can you be so calm already?” he muttered, barely audible.
“I'm not calm, Luhan,” Mrs Jeong objected. “I am in pain to know about the danger my son is in. In pain to know about the difficulties that will await him and us all in the future. I just had a few more years to prepare myself for the shock.” She bit into her cereal bar.
Luhan nodded slowly and took another sip. “He will never be even remotely okay, will he?” he choked out.
“No,” she answered simply. “If we're really lucky he might be able to do his own grocery shopping again someday in the far future. If we're really lucky …”
Luhan looked at her. He didn't know how to deal with this situation at all.
“He was unconscious for so long,” she continued. “And all this time the fluids and the blood were pressing down on his brain … If we're not lucky … he might not even remember us at all. Or ever wake up again.”
Luhan gulped and stared at his unopened cereal bar. He looked around and saw some patients of the clinic going for an early morning walk. Some of them were walking alone with their IV stands. Others sat in wheelchairs and were wheeled by nurses. All of them must have undergone some sort of operation on their brain or nerve system, since they were currently in the neurology department. But every single one of them was in better shape than Sehun.
“To be honest,” Mrs Jeong said with regret in her voice, “I'm not sure if we did Sehun a favor by saving his life this time.”
Luhan's head whipped around to stare at her, aghast at what he just heard. “How can you say that?!”
“He will suffer so much again,” she explained. “Maybe even more than last time. I know he doesn't want to go through that again.”
“But … Sehun loves life. He loves living …”
“Yes, he loves living. Not trying and failing to live. He won't be able to study anymore. He won't be able to travel anymore. He won't be able to do so many - if not all - of the things that he enjoys doing anymore. He probably won't even be able to do anything on his own. And I know he would hate that. He told me that before. That he wouldn't want to go through the nightmare again. That he didn't want to lose everything. I'm sure he told you something similar.”
Luhan looked down and unwrapped his cereal bar discontentedly. Sehun had indeed once said something along those lines. “Then why …?”
“I can't just let him die. I just can't …” she sniffed and pulled out her handkerchief again. “He's my son.”
Luhan nodded.
They sat in silence for a while, both playing out the best and worst case scenarios in their heads.
“Mrs Jeong,” Luhan asked then. “Why did you choose to adopt Sehun?”
She looked up from her coffee. “I can't bear children,” she responded with a certain finality in her voice. “But I always wanted to have one. When I taught Sehun in elementary school back then, he was always such a friendly, considerate child, so when I found out about his home situation and his sickness it was more than just shocking to me. There I was … wishing for a child of my own and these people were wasting their only son's life away for nothing. I accompanied the ambulance to the hospital and stayed there all day because I was so worried about him and when I was informed about his condition I just broke out in tears. I knew already that Sehun's real parents would no longer be allowed near him and that he would be given to someone else. They had mistreated and abused him too much for a judge to decide otherwise. But then I played the whole thing out in my mind …”
She sighed and her mouth twisted into a grim expression. “The world isn't exactly a nice place. And with Sehun's health problems and his high bills to pay for the hospital and treatments that would be necessary in the future, no one would adopt this boy. He would probably end being shoved from foster family to foster family or sent to a children's home. And I just couldn't let that happen. Sehun had suffered so much already and because of his sickness he would suffer much more later in his life. He didn't serve such a life. So I talked to my husband and thankfully he agreed with me.”
“You two are such good people,” Luhan muttered. He felt a light spark of hope flaring up again within him. “There should be more people like you in this world.”
She smiled sadly.
“Where is your husband, anyway?” Luhan asked to get his mind off this depressing subject.
“Talking with the insurance company. That stuff needs to be taken care of, too.”
“I see.”
“You should go home, Luhan,” Mrs Jeong suggested. “You look so tired.”
“So do you.”
“I will go find a hotel later when all the formalities are settled. But you seriously look like you are going to break down any second. You … don't have to worry about Sehun - at least not for now. He's at the best place he could be at right now. I told the doctors to contact you immediately in case something happens, so you aren't going to miss out on anything.”
Luhan sighed loudly. He truly was exhausted. His eyes were burning and every muscle in his body was screaming from fatigue. But it felt wrong to go. He didn't want to leave Sehun alone. Not when everything went so wrong when he went out last time.
“Please, Luhan. Do yourself and us all a favor. Ruining your health won't make him recover any faster.”
“Okay, I will go home then. But can I say goodbye to him?”
The sight of the comatose Sehun still shook Luhan to his core but this time he didn't run away.
With trembling steps, Luhan moved closer and sat down on the chair next to Sehun's bed.
He slowly stretched out his hand and carefully took Sehun wireless hand in his own. It felt so strange in his soft grip. Even in his sleep Sehun would usually respond to Luhan and grab his hand back. But now he didn't move, almost as if he was lifeless. Almost.
“I'm sorry for running away earlier,” Luhan whispered hoarsely. “I shouldn't have done that.” His thumb tenderly caressed the back of the younger's hand as if he would break beneath his touch. “I don't want to leave you, Sehunnie, but I have to get some rest. I will come back later. I will come back every day.”
He bowed his head and pressed a small but loving kiss to Sehun's hand. “Get well soon. I love you.”
~
Luhan was at home in his and Sehun's apartment. Alone.
It didn't feel right.
Sehun belonged here with him in his arms.
Luhan couldn't sleep. Every worry and fear was creeping back into his thoughts to torment him. His body needed sleep - he knew it - but he couldn't seem to find it.
He sat up in the broad double bed. He had never slept in it alone. He missed Sehun's warmth next to him.
Sehun … Sehunnie …
Luhan couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Like a waterfall they poured down his cheeks. Loud sobs and wails erupted from his throat. Shiver after shiver trembled through him.
“Whywhywhywhywhy???” he cried. “Sehunnie … WHY?” He frantically shook his head and curled into a ball. “Whywhywhy? He doesn't deserve this … What has he ever done to deserve this?”
And in this darkest moment of his life, Luhan remembered.
He turned towards the cross next to his bed and stared at it, uncomprehending.
“WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!” he screamed at it. “ANSWER ME!”
There was no answer.
Another sob escaped Luhan's mouth and he stood up with shaking legs. “I prayed to you … I prayed to you every day, every day … Every. Day.”
He slowly walked towards it. “I wanted him to be healthy, us to be happy. It's everything that I wanted … all I wanted …” Luhan hissed with tears running down his face. “I PRAYED TO YOU! … and now he is … he will never be … and he doesn't deserve it! He doesn't! How could you let this happen?”
There was no answer.
“Why would you do this?”
No answer.
“He doesn't deserve this. He is an angel. He is so perfect and full of love and hope and joy … He doesn't deserve this … TELL ME WHY!!!!”
No answer.
“Do you even listen to me?”
No answer.
“Do you even care?”
No answer.
…
“Do you even exist?”
No answer.
Luhan flinched and his fingers twitched. In blind rage he grabbed the cross, tore it off the wall and threw it across the room. “AHHHHRGHHH!” he roared. “HE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS!”
And he broke down crying, crying, crying …
???
X. FINDING PARADISE
“He will wake up again, Lu,” Jongin muttered and gave his friend a comforting slap on the shoulder.
They sat next to Sehun's bed, staring at it with a somewhat lost expression in their eyes. It's been over a month now, and Sehun was still comatose. The hair on his head was slowly growing back and the bandage got removed a few days ago, leaving the horrifying scar openly visible. A week ago the doctors had stopped injecting him the narcotics but he hadn't woken up yet.
Luhan bit his lower lip. “How do you know that?” he asked dryly.
“I just know, okay,” Jongin mused. “He is strong, you said so yourself. And he loves you. He will wake up again.”
Luhan didn't have that much hope anymore. He still had some but it was shrinking every day. “I'm just so afraid that he will never wake up again. That I will never see him smile again …”
Jongin pulled Luhan into his embrace. “I know, man, I know.”
Jongin was deeply worried. Not just about Sehun whom he, by now, considered one of his closest friends too, but also about Luhan.
Never before had he seen his best friend this depressed over such a long time. The reason why was clear, but it still pained Jongin to see the guy who once saved him from those bullies so bravely in such a state.
Over the last couple of weeks Luhan had lost a lot of weight. Clothes that once fit him perfectly were now hanging loosely on his body. He didn't eat anything if no one forced him to.
He was also constantly sleep deprived. He didn't want to close his eyes because he knew if he did he would find himself caught in his worst nightmares again. He spent most of his days and nights at the hospital next to Sehun.
The younger's mother told him to go home once in a while to get a shower but he was always unwilling for he didn't want to leave Sehun's side. He would sit next to his bed and hold his hand, caressing it, occasionally kissing it. He would whisper soft, gentle words to Sehun, hoping that he would wake up soon, hoping that he would recover well. He told him that he loved him, that he missed him, that he wanted him to laugh again. He told him about the news, his parents, Jongin and literally anything that he could think of during the long hours that he sat there and waited. Because who knew? Maybe Sehun could hear him …
Jongin felt as if not only were Luhan's looks changing, but also his personality, his nature.
Luhan became jumpy and highly nervous. He would flinch when someone spoke to him unexpectedly. If he wasn't holding Sehun's hand, his fingers would shake and his lips would tremble.
He barely spoke nowadays except for the things he told the sleeping Sehun. Luhan used to be so talkative, but now everything that made him the cheerful, confident person that he once was … was gone. As if Luhan had buried all his love and joy in Sehun and as long as the latter didn't wake up, Luhan wouldn't go back to his former self.
During the time he spent waiting for Sehun to wake, Luhan came to realize something.
All those years ever since he was a child, he had to be allowed to heaven after his death. He had been so fixated on being a good person and praying for happiness that he didn't notice how he had been living in paradise all along. He had been living with his paradise all along.
He didn't need god.
He just needed Sehun.
~
After a long sleepless night next to Sehun, Mrs Jeong had sent Luhan home with a mildly angered expression. “Don't ruin yourself like this, boy,” she had scolded. “Get home and shower! You're starting to stink again!”
Grudgingly, Luhan had followed his orders because he felt like he really needed to change his shirt again. He had been wearing it for a week now.
Luhan didn't like going home if Sehun wasn't there. It simply didn't feel like home anymore. Home was where Sehun was.
A check on the telephone told him that there were over fifty messages left on his answering machine. Luhan didn't even bother to listen to them. He knew they would all be from his mother. He wasn't in the mood to talk to her. There wasn't anything of importance that he could possibly want to discuss with her.
Luhan didn't go to university either. In fact, he didn't care about anything except for his boyfriend lying in hospital.
Luhan stepped out of the shower when his phone rang. He initially did not want to pick it up but then he saw the caller: Sehun's mother. She rarely called him, and especially not after she just sent him home.
Confusedly he picked up.
“What's the matter?”
“Sehun woke up.”
Luhan breathlessly stumbled into the hallway where Sehun's room was.
Mrs Jeong was already waiting for him in front of the room.
“How … How is he?” Luhan panted and rested his hand on his knees for a moment to calm his breath. His heart was pounding in excitement and worry.
“We're not completely sure yet,” she admitted. “He just woke up an hour ago. The doctors have to run many tests. But it is very severe as it seems so far.”
Luhan gulped. “Does he … Does he remember us?”
Sehun's mother smiled lightly. “It seems so, yes. The doctors said that his long-term memory should be fine, but his short-term to mid-term memory seems to be affected … and his motor functions.”
“Can I see him?”
“Yes, but Luhan. Don't forget! He is … different now. And he is still under the influence of the painkillers and medication so he will most likely have trouble understanding things.”
Luhan nodded eagerly. He couldn't wait to see Sehun again. His heart almost popped out of his chest.
He followed Mrs Jeong anxiously through the door and tried to peek at Sehun laying in his bed, but the back of a doctor was blocking his view.
He tippled forwards and around the bed. “Sehun?” he called shakily but with so much love and hope in his voice.
Sehun slowly turned his head away from the doctor in Luhan's direction. His eyes seemed a little cloudy, and he looked confused. He blinked twice. “Lu … han?” he breathed.
“Yes,” Luhan whispered and all strength left his body as he dropped to his knees next to Sehun. “Yes, it's me. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you again.” He grabbed the younger's hand. “I love you, Sehun.”
And for the first time in weeks Sehun returned his grip.
~
Sehun's condition was indeed severe. Though his long-term memory luckily seemed to work fine, his short-term memory failed him repeatedly.
After the dosage of painkillers and medications got reduced and he was more alert, Sehun began to speak and interact with Luhan and his parents more. He repeatedly asked them where he was, and they had to explain it to him over and over. He was often under the impression that he was still at home and wanted to get his class notes to study for his test the next day. Luhan had to tell him every single time that he wouldn't be able to study anymore for a long time - probably never -, that he had had another aneurysm in his head, that he was still in the hospital. And every single time, Luhan had to watch something breaking in the younger's eyes.
Aside from his memory, Sehun's motor skills were also strongly affected just like the doctors had already suspected. It was really bad at the beginning, where Sehun couldn't even sit up or lay down properly. Not because he wouldn't have been physically able to do it, but the part of his brain that was in charge of such basic actions was so damaged that he simply didn't know how to do it anymore. The doctors said that the brain could relearn such activities over time even if it was as affected as Sehun's. Thus, the boy was soon ordered to attend rehabilitation therapy sessions. He had attended them before - thirteen years ago. But what he needed back then and what he needed now didn't even come close.
Luhan spent his time helping Sehun to sit up and lay down whenever he wanted or needed. He knew he shouldn't do it so often because the other needed to learn how to do it himself again, but it just broke Luhan's heart every time he saw Sehun pressing his hands down on the mattress, trying to push himself up but not knowing how to. It broke his heart to see Sehun closing his eyes in an attempt to concentrate, to remember actively the process of sitting up but failing again. It broke his heart to see Sehun on the verge of tears every single time he couldn't do it. All these little actions that seemed so natural and ingrained for healthy people were reason enough to push him into a hole of desperation. And Luhan just couldn't bear looking at this for too long, so he would hurry over to Sehun and help him up and Sehun would look a little guilty and ashamed because he knew he should have been able to do that.
Luhan explained to him again and again how to sit up properly in the hospital bed. Sehun should grab the metal frame next to him and pull himself up slowly. Sehun tried really hard but continuously failed to recall.
Sehun also always had problems articulating himself right after he woke up, and was often very dazed. But that was mostly due to the medication, Luhan figured. It got better when the doctors reduced the dosage, which made life for everyone - including Sehun - a lot easier. Luhan was finally able to hold conversations with him again, even though that proved to be difficult and frustrating at times since Sehun forgot a lot of the things he said repeatedly during their conversations. But if it was a topic that Sehun was genuinely interested in, Luhan found out that he remembered a lot better - sometimes even until the next day - because Sehun paid special attention in these cases.
But all these things aside, Luhan noticed another change in Sehun. Something about his character and behavior were off. The more the medication wore off, the more his mind awoke and with that, his personality. Just his personality. Sehun was easy to distract, incredibly impatient, irritable, and sometimes even aggressive. It was as if his personality was stripped of all the filters that would have normally kept him from saying or doing certain things. Everything that normally would control a person's behavior or keep it in line if necessary wasn't existent in Sehun's mind anymore. It was strange but Luhan knew he would have to get used to it. Sehun had once told him that he might be changed if he ever got an aneurysm like this one.
Obviously, Sehun did not have proper control over his actions anymore and was, in many ways, not capable of living a normal life anymore. Thus, it was lawfully decided that he would need a legal guardian to take responsibility in case he ever got up with something or needed financial matters be taken care of for him. His opinion on things would from now on not really matter anymore. It was his parents that would decide for him.
“I feel so useless,” Sehun muttered and sadly looked at the bubble tea in his hands.
Three months had passed since Sehun had woken up from coma and he could finally sit up properly again. It still took him a long time to do it but at least he could do it on his own. As a reward Luhan had gifted him his first bubble tea in months.
The latter still came by the hospital every day to visit him but only in the afternoons and evenings. In the morning he went to university again. Sehun had been really angry when he found out that Luhan had been slacking off on his education just to sit next to him all day. His long absence from class had been a problem but thankfully a friendly secretary and professor had helped Luhan out when he explained the situation to her.
While he studied again Sehun attended his daily therapy sessions. Luhan thought the younger made good progress, but Sehun didn't seem to think so.
Luhan sighed and shoved Sehun's wheelchair to the side so that he could sit down next to him on the bed. Sehun needed the wheelchair for the same reason why he couldn't sit up at the beginning. He theoretically could but forgot how to do it. He had to relearn this, along with many other processes. Unfortunately, walking was infinitely more difficult than sitting up.
Sehun now lived in a single room in a special rehab clinic so that he could get all the help he needed. Luhan had brought him some of his favorite stuff from home and helped him to decorate it a little so that the room didn't look all too much like a medical facility.
Home … It was still hard for Luhan to go there alone but it was easier since Sehun had woken up. He hoped that one day Sehun would be able to move in with him again. He wasn't sure though …
“Humans don't need to have a use,” Luhan declared firmly. “We're not machines … You're not a machine.”
Sehun nodded dejectedly. “Maybe … But I feel so worthless …”
“Don't say that. Do you think your parents would have sacrificed so much for you if they thought you were worthless? Do you think I would come by here every day if I thought that? Do you think your friends would visit you if that was the case?”
“Maybe you just feel guilty.”
“Bullshit! We love you, Sehun!” Luhan spoke animatedly. “I love you. You're not worthless. You never were and you never will be. Now stop it with those depressing thoughts and drink your bubble tea.”
Sehun nodded again and sipped on his drink. His free hand searched for Luhan's and held it tightly. “It's just so hard, Luhan,” he sniffled. “So hard …”
The boy struggled immensely during his therapy sessions nowadays. Relearning to walk was so tiring for him - especially since he only seemed to fail. Once in a while Luhan would come by to help him and cheer him up if necessary (which it was) and Sehun would feel very ashamed when he only managed to make one step and then fall down again. Standing up itself was a struggle already. Luhan would always tell him that he did a really good job and that he improved a lot but Sehun wasn't sure whether the older only said that out of pity or actually meant it. And truthfully, Sehun knew that he could trust in Luhan, but it were the insecurities within himself that made him question the other's intentions.
“I know, Sehun, I know …” Luhan turned Sehun's face towards him and gave him a soft kiss on his lips, enjoying every second of it. “But I'm here, okay? I'm here for you.”
Luhan meant what he said. He would always be there for the younger because here was indeed nothing of more importance than Sehun for him in this world. He once had thought that only his belief, God and his family were the things that had the right to be most important in his life. He had been wrong! So wrong …
Ever since he had broken down the day Sehun was brought to the hospital Luhan had not taken a step into a church anymore. He doubted whether there was a god at all after all the things he himself went through and saw Sehun going through. What had kept him sane during that time were the encouraging words of Sehun's parents and his friends and his his trust into the abilities of the doctors around him. And that had proven to be at least somewhat successful. If there was a god, Luhan was deeply disappointed.
Luhan had also quit the contact to his family for the most part. One day after Sehun had woken up again he had driven home and patiently listened to the curtain-lecture his mother spewed at him for not reacting to any of her calls and messages for so long. Then he calmly explained to her and his father, who for once was paying attention, his situation and admitted everything. About Sehun, their life together and why he didn't call them back. He then packed his bags, walked past their shocked and disgusted faces and left the house. He wasn't willing to come back if his parents didn't show some sort of insight for he didn't want their negativity in his life. He had enough of that.
“I don't if I can do it this time, Luhan. Not again,” Sehun sobbed.
“I know you can. Sehunnie … you're the strongest person I know.”
Sehun looked at him with teary eyes. “Really?”
“Yes, absolutely,” Luhan flashed him a bright, comforting smile. “What you had to live through would have destroyed so many other people, yet here you are. Alive and fighting.”
Sehun dropped his head on Luhan's shoulder and hugged him for a long time while sobs shook through. “Tha-Thank you, Luhan,” he whimpered. “Thank you so much!”
~
7 months later:
“Hey-yo, Sehunnie!” Luhan burst into Sehun's room with a bag full of popcorn, cake and presents. It was the younger's twenty-second birthday after all.
Sehun looked up from his bed where he was sitting while watching a movie. “Hi,” he grinned in a seemingly good mood today. A few small presents laid next him, already open. Had to be from the clinic's personnel or his parents who visited him earlier that day.
Luhan jumped towards him and kissed him passionately with lots of tongue and lip-biting. When he pulled back, both of them were panting. “Happy birthday, Sehunnie,” Luhan whispered and grinned. “I brought you lots of popcorn.”
“Yeay!”
“Buuuuut I will have to give most of it to the nurse later.”
“Oh, c'mon, Luhan! Why?” Sehun whined.
“Because the last time I brought you tons of that stuff you ate it all at once and then puked it out again. The nurses will give it to you over the next days.”
Sehun pouted. “But we still can eat some today, right? And watch a movie together?”
“Of course,” Luhan confirmed joyfully. He was so glad hearing this suggestion coming from the younger's mouth. It reminded both of them at the happy times before Sehun's aneurysm. Perhaps they could have this illusion of carefree happiness back some day. That's what they were hoping for at least. “But first we're gonna go for a walk.”
Sehun groaned. “Oh no, please. I've already been on one today with my parents.”
“We're not gonna discuss about this. You know that you have to walk more. Come on! Put on your socks and shoes. The weather is nice outside.”
Sehun sighed and leaned to the side to get his socks from a pile of clothing and proceeded to pull them over his hands.
“Sehunnie … They're socks, not gloves. Come on, you know how to do this right,” Luhan tried to say as unimpressed as possible. But the truth was that everything in him cramped in pain every time he had to witness something like this. Because there is probably nothing more heartbreaking and discouraging than watching a grown man struggle to put on his socks correctly.
Sehun bit his lower lips and thought for a moment with a concentrated expression on his face. He pulled the socks from his hands eventually put them on his feet successfully.
“Well done,” Luhan mumbled and helped his boyfriend to get up after he had stepped into his slippers.
They walked through the hallways with Sehun firmly gripping onto Luhan's arm. Sehun was still a little wobbly on his legs, but he made good progress over the past few months and could already walk small distances on his own again. He still required help or even his wheelchair for long distances, though. Sehun still had to think carefully about every step he wanted to make because the whole walking process wasn't re-automated in his brain. He was also limping a little because the half of his brain that had been more affected by the aneurysm made it more difficult for him to move one of his legs as well as the other. He didn't have that much control over that half of his body. Sometimes he would get random convulsions or his arm would act on its own. But the longer he visited the therapies, the more he regained control over that half of his brain and body again.
They only walked until the end of the hallway where there was a small balcony where they could sit down and enjoy the view of the little park next to the clinic. Sehun was exhausted and dropped on the bench immediately.
“You did well,” Luhan praised and sat next to him.
Sehun sighed. “I guess …”
“No really, you did well. Yesterday you were still struggling with that last part and now it worked. So you're making progress.”
“Not enough,” Sehun responded bitterly. He was always getting so frustrated with himself when he thought of what he once had been able to do but was now struggling to. Not even when he had his first aneurysm as a child he had been in a shape as bad as this time.
“There is no enough in your case,” Luhan refuted. “Take as much time as you need.”
“Even if I do … I feel like I'm holding you back, Luhan.”
Startled, the latter turned towards Sehun. “Holding me back? Why?”
“Because I have to live here, I can't do anything properly, you have to spend all your time caring for me like I'm a little child. And sometimes I even act like one. I know I do … I feel like I'm robbing you of something.”
“Stop! Don't say stuff like that!” Luhan interrupted him. He couldn't stand hearing Sehun talking so badly about himself.
“But I mean it. I don't want you to waste your best years on me,” Sehun tried to explain with tears at the corners of his eyes. “I know that I am a burden; that you could be with someone better than me. And I don't want you to keep on being with me if it's just because you feel guilty or sorry.”
“Stop it, Sehunnie!” Luhan shouted with tears in his eyes. “That's not the reason! That's not the reason at all.”
Sehun turned his gaze to the floor. Now he made Luhan angry, too. Great …
“Look at me!” Luhan commanded. “I am here, I am willing to help you and support you because I love you. I love you more than anything else in this world. And what sort of love would it be if I left you at the moment you need me the most?! I will not leave you. Not now, not ever. So don't ever say something like this again. There isn't anyone out there better for me than you are. You are perfect for me, you are all that I want and need in this life. And nothing can change that.”
Sehun's lower lip was quivering because he hadn't expected Luhan to dump such an emotional outburst on him.
“I was at your bed every night,” Luhan continued. “I was so scared, so afraid that you wouldn't wake up again. And I felt so stupid because it was almost as if I hadn't cherished you enough before. You were like an image of heaven in front of my eyes going up into flames and I was so scared that I would lose you forever. And I can't do that. When you were in coma I realized that I can't live without you. I need you in my life. And I was so relieved when you woke up again. Even if you wouldn't have remembered me, I would have stayed by your side. Because I can't leave you. I can't!”
Sehun sobbed. “But what if I get another one? The doctors said that the risk for aneurysms rises with increasing age … What if it happens again?”
“Then I'm gonna be there,” Luhan affirmed. “If you get sick again, I will help you and support you with everything in my power. And if that means that I have to push you around in a wheelchair, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to help you put on your socks, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to repeat every word I say over and over again so that you understand me, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to feed you, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to do every single thing for you, I'm gonna do that. I am willing to sacrifice everything for you and you can't stop me from doing so. Because I can't let you die. And I can't leave you. I just love you too much!”
Silent tears were running down Sehun's cheeks when a warm, hopeful feeling blossomed in his chest. A small, sincere smile flashed across his lips. “See?” he said after a while with a trembling voice. “I told you I believe in you.”
And suddenly Luhan understood what the younger had once meant by that sentence. Sehun had known his paradise all along.
???
Author’s Note: Okay, I am actually not sure about this story, because it is dealing with a few very difficult topics, but I hope I did them justice. I tried my best (even though I had to shorten some parts because I didn't have enough time anymore). I want to thank my beta who helped my a lot with my language in this one and also sorry again for my non-existent time management and writing schedule. T_T And thanks to my other friend who helped me with some content questions. (I hope you know that I am talking about >you< right now ...(~>_>)~ ...) Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed/liked this story despite the unusual topic and bittersweet ending. (I'm not gonna lie, I cried a lot while writing this ...)