Bed Warmer
From: clubchicken
Title: Bed Warmer
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,000
Prompt: friolero: a person who is especially sensitive to cold weather and temperatures or Sehun was just Luhan’s bed warmer every time the night is too cold for his skin to handle. It had been like that for more than a year until a certain note got caught in Luhan’s fingers and went up in flames.
Warning/s: a whole bunch of mentions of past luhan relationships, and also for implied sex and watch out for implied public sex too uwu
There is a knock on his door. Three taps and Sehun’s already rushing out to the door in just his ratty old sweatpants and white shirt. Never mind that he’s supposed to be looking for job openings so he could stop feeding off his parent’s money (and stop using that faux assistant manager position in his brother’s sandwich shop as a sorry excuse for a job), he’s been waiting to hear the same three knocks since the last time and no one’s going to stop him.
“Sehun-ah?” Luhan asks out loud in question from the other side of the door.
“I’m coming!” Sehun shouts back.
Luhan only ever talks to Sehun whenever a break up happens and he’s back to being single again.
It is certainly not the best setup when they’ve already been through a series of unconventional relationships before (e.g. Luhan coming over to Sehun’s house just to ogle his brother during high school, Luhan dating his female English professor during his first year in college). But Sehun was already twenty-one when it started and they haven’t had an actual relationship of some sort since summer break ended and Luhan hadn’t informed Sehun that he was spending a few years in Beijing as soon as Fall Semester began. So it came as a shock to Sehun that Luhan was living next door in the apartment complex he lived in after college when Luhan accidentally turned up at his doorstep thinking it was his.
“Wrong door?” Luhan had slurred that night, his voice bubbly under the influence of alcohol.” This is the third time already, where the fuck is my house…” he muttered.
His hair had changed to the darkest shade of black and styled messily as if they’ve been abused relentlessly by fingers. It used to be blond most of the time in the few years Sehun has known Luhan. But two years is long enough to change someone to the point that it took the both of them a minute before they recognized each other.
Soon enough, Sehun had made Luhan enter his apartment and they started talking about Luhan’s love life with bottles and bottles of soju that Sehun has stashed in the refrigerator. Luhan had said that he just broke up with a certain Zhang Yixing. A guy who humped the floor more times than Luhan himself. Luhan said he was a dancer, which was why Luhan agreed to date him in the first place. (Sehun wanted to argue that he was a dancer too! He just didn’t end up continuing it when college started.) But then it seemed like Yixing was more interested in humping the floor than Luhan himself, which lead to a breakup and Luhan swore that he will never date a dancer again. (Sehun supposes that he isn’t a dancer. He quit years ago, anyway. He is definitely not a dancer.)
Sehun couldn’t recall how many bottles of alcohol they’ve consumed. But it was enough to have Sehun be fucking Luhan senseless on the same sheets he picked up from the laundromat a few hours prior to Luhan’s visit. Sehun usually minded when dirty feet would even come contact with the fabric. But when strings of cum had painted the navy blue sheets and their sweat-slicked bodies had been slammed on it, having to pay five-thousand won to get the sheets washed once again was at the back of his mind as he thrusted inside Luhan to oblivion.
Sehun had thought the next day would’ve been awkward, in a sense of how “I used to have this big crush on you until you disappeared two years ago and now you’re back and we’ve fucked like it hasn’t been years.” could be. But no, because the very next day Sehun was hovering over Luhan who was begging Sehun for something, anything to stop the ache between his legs from throbbing.
Only this time, they were both sober.
Somehow, one way or another, each night Sehun finds his limbs entangled with Luhan’s underneath layers and layers of duvets and blankets because Luhan can’t sleep without that much. It didn’t even matter that his skin is sweat-slicked with sex, heat, and Luhan.
It lasted until Luhan started dating again (which was only two weeks later). It’s a Kim Minseok that time, who had “a body sculpted by the gods” (or so Luhan says). Coincidentally, Luhan stopped knocking on his apartment and don’t even text him anymore. The closest thing they had to an interaction had been the occasional small smiles and talks when they pass by the hallway, lobby and even the elevator when it’s the most frustrating for Sehun who’s always had the same question resting on the tip of this tongue: Why did you stop talking to me the moment you dated someone new?
Sehun wouldn’t even have known Luhan had been dating someone new if he hadn’t been waiting outside his door to try and talk to Luhan who he hasn’t been in touch with for days. Hours later, he saw Luhan with his lips locked with another man right in front of Luhan’s doorstep.
Sehun felt used, most of all, brokenhearted the next. He spent the next few weeks going to the dumb parties Kim Jongin went to every night to stitch his fucked up heart. But of course, nothing could suffice the needs he has to have Luhan back in his arms even if their sort-of relationship only lasted a few weeks before Luhan rode Minseok’s dick out of Sehun’s life.
Of course, whatever they had didn’t even involve any commitment or emotional attachment. It was not as if he wanted Luhan to marry him. He just wishes so much that Luhan wouldn’t be insensitive enough to shout out profanities whenever he and Minseok are fucking next door. For God’s sake, the walls were thin as a blanket and Sehun could write a book with the words spat out from his pretty little lips.
“Minseok-ah, Minseok-ah! Ah! Fuck me! Right now! Yes, faster!” Sehun would hear almost every night in different variations whenever he tries to sleep. Luhan’s always been a vocal one, he loved that about him, but he’d rather have Luhan to just keep his mouth shut when it’s not him who’s making him be that way. It was a horror that lasted for a few days. That’s when Sehun decided that he wasn’t going to let the ghost of Luhan’s voice haunt him. He was going to respond back.
“Yes, yes! She was so good. Like really good good. Da…” Sehun shouted out once Luhan’s voice is heard through the walls. He held his phone to his ear for added effect even if no one’s around and he looks silly since he was playing Neko Atsume before Luhan started yelling. What girl’s name can work with ‘Da’ again? “hye? Yes! She calls me oppa. Yes, yes, she’s gotta be the best fuck of my life! Yes, yes!”
He must’ve overused the word yes (which was embarrassing of course). But it didn’t matter because Luhan was still too preoccupied with Minseok’s dick to care. And so Sehun was forced to call up a drinking session at Polala with the 94 Squad (his best dance buds, which wouldn’t even be part of Sehun’s life if not for Luhan) to spend his money on alcohol instead of laundry since he doesn’t have to wash his sheets more than necessary when Luhan isn’t there to help him stain the sheets anymore.
“I bought a fucking duvet to cater for his needs and he goes fucking with someone else next door? Who does he think he is?” Sehun had bursted out, tearing the complimentary tissues and slamming it on the vintage table. Jongin’s boisterous laugh reverberated in the miniscule bistro and it isn’t so much fun to join in when it’s him he’s laughing at.
“You can always refund the duvet.” Jongin suggested once his laughter died down, “Or burn it. I’m sure Luhan wouldn’t mind since he isn’t sleeping over yours anymore and he’s found someone else to fuck with.” Jongin laughed as he chewed on the drumstick hard.
Insensitive prick, Sehun thought. He downed what’s left inside the bottle and waved his hand for another one.
The thing is, he can’t exactly refund them when he and Luhan have stained them more times than necessary already. The duvet is still resting on top of his bed and he’s reminded of Luhan every single time he lays down on it.
Soojung choked on her drink, “Oh my God, you’re still not over him? You’ve been in love with him since we were sixteen. I can’t believe this!” she commented. It’s her turn to laugh this time. Sehun groans.
The thing about the 94 Squad is that they don’t exactly help him with his problems. They just laugh at his misery, which is great for Sehun because he doesn’t really dig all those cheesy advices about moving on. He’d rather wait for whatever he’s feeling to pass (which obviously isn’t effective considering that he’s been into Luhan since first year of high school), if it doesn’t then maybe he can go like Luhan until the end of time. Call him a masochist but he’s already way in it too deep that he isn’t willing to stop even if he’s been hurt countless of times with silent rejections.
Sipping her pink-colored cocktail from a straw, Soojung added, “I’m not surprised though. Wasn’t he the one who introduced you to us? Luhan like invented you or something.”
Sehun couldn’t disagree because yes, maybe Luhan did invent him (or something) in a way. So he just settled with drinking the bottle of alcohol the waitress handed to him to a half and continued ranting about Luhan, Luhan, and Luhan until he passed out.
It took Sehun weeks before he could manage to think that he was fine, and well he was. Seeing the disheveled young man walk Minseok out of the apartment in the wee hours of the morning was already enough for him. It’s during those times when he’s so cute with his eyes squinted with sleep and Sehun has to slow down his walk to the subway station just to spend a few more seconds admiring Luhan’s morning face when he’s grabbing breakfast at the cafe downstairs that makes Sehun think that such glimpses would be enough for him. He wasn’t hurt anymore. He was okay with watching from afar or how close they could be living side-by-side. It’s not like he was in love with Luhan. Maybe he was sort of obsessed with him throughout high school and until the first few years in college. But his feeling’s have died down since then and it only revived since Luhan came back to his life.
But now Sehun believes that he just likes him (like really, really like him; it doesn’t matter though, he supposes).
That is until three months later and Luhan’s at his doorstep saying “I broke up with him. He just wasn’t right. I broke his heart. What do I do, Sehun-ah?” and the next hour after that had been spent with comfort and building up the sexual tension until Sehun decided to break it with his lips and hands and they’re both drowning in each other’s presence and Luhan would always tell Sehun where to touch him because “It’s cold, Sehun-ah. Touch me here, please.”
And so the cycle began.
Sehun takes a deep breath before grabbing a jacket from the coatrack. He attempts to catch his breath in the next few seconds to make sure it isn’t too obvious that he’s been waiting for Luhan to come before twisting the doorknob open.
---
Before anything else, it’s important to note that Sehun and Luhan go way back. Years and years ago when fifteen year-old Sehun first met nineteen year-old Luhan during high school.
Sehun had been a first year back then and making friends wasn’t his forte (it still isn’t) and some of his classmates had invited him to skip class to smoke. Sehun didn’t really have any opinion about cigarettes so he tagged along, hoping a stick in between his lips can help him gain friends without much effort.
Of course, before Sehun was even able to exit the school premises, Luhan blocked his way making him be left behind by the group.
“You’re Oh Sehun, aren’t you?” Luhan had beamed, ultimately blocking his way as he puts both hands on either side of Sehun’s shoulders. “Wow, you’re like a baby version of your brother.”
Sehun was beyond confused. Who was this overly enthusiastic boy getting in the way of his crusade on being a badass high schooler? Before sehun knew it, he was already being dragged to an empty classroom while Luhan tried to appease his confusion with an explanation saying: “I’m friends with your brother. He said you wouldn’t mind if I did this.” Which proved to be true given that he didn’t have any complaints.
Turns out Luhan was trying to scout him to join a dance troupe who needed more members since majority of the current members are in the graduating class much like him. Sehun’s brother had mentioned that he can dance, which lead to how they ended up in the classroom which ended up being filled with the rest of the dance troupe members.
They have grown some sort of friendship after that. Luhan had forced Sehun to call him hyung even though Sehun isn’t so fond of formalities (although Sehun secretly doesn’t call him hyung behind his back). It was around the same time Jongin and Soojung got recruited and they unanimously became the 94 Squad after that for being stuck in the same situation as him.
(“Sooyeon-eonnie told one of the seniors that I could dance. I didn’t dance that much but this is fun, I guess.” Soojung had told him one time at a water break. “Jongin too, his sister’s boyfriend was a former member. I really don’t understand how recruitment even works in this troupe.”)
Sehun isn’t so sure when, but in between dance practices and walks to Sehun’s house (because apparently, Luhan meant to have a study session with his brother), Sehun had developed this crush on Luhan. It wasn’t so hard and Sehun barely even struggled to fight it, not with the way Luhan raised him and brought him out of his shell.
Luhan quit a few months later after Sehun got recruited, but he still managed to visit once in awhile and walk with Sehun to his home for the study sessions (and in the days that he doesn’t, he’s already at home with his brother, studying, he presumes).
Luhan was just always there. Even if he wasn’t.
It was harder to spend time with Luhan once he entered college. But Luhan still made sure to keep in touch when he had the time. Even when Luhan grew out of his silly crush on his brother, he still came over at his house to ‘hang out’ but this time it isn’t for his brother. It’s for him. By this time, Sehun already knew that his crush on Luhan isn’t something he’ll grow out of anytime soon--and he didn’t mind.
What he minded though, was the fact that ever since he had admitted to no longer liking his brother, Luhan started dating like crazy.
“I get cold easily, you know that right? I can’t do without a warm body.” Luhan had told him, explaining why they haven’t seen each other in months. It was harder to notice especially since they used to talk in a daily basis at that time. But at some point, Sehun realized the display picture of the person he was talking to was someone he barely even recognized anymore with his blond hair a shade lighter than it used to be--and with another man he’s never seen before, an arm over Luhan’s dainty shoulders looking too snug to be considered friendly. Sehun doesn’t even remember how many Luhan’s dated at that time--he lost count and he thinks Luhan might’ve too.
The year Sehun became part of the graduating class was the same year he grew tall (and arguably handsome), his skills in dancing were recognized and he became more popular in their school. It was curious, because someone who looked like that don’t stay single for long... People thought that maybe he was dating Soojung, but then Jongin was also there (who they also thought was dating Soojung). The rumors only died down when Soojung started dating more than often and the three of them still sticked to each other like glue whenever Soojung isn’t off with her boyfriend.
Of course, new rumors came out saying both Sehun and Jongin were gay, even gay lovers perhaps and Soojung was just there to become their red-headed beard. Sehun was bothered for some reason and Jongin didn’t really mind because he knew it wasn’t true when he’s never really had an actual preference. Sehun only had one preference and he isn’t even sure if that meant he was gay (He might as well call himself Luhan-sexual so he wouldn’t be so bothered trying to figure out what his actual sexual orientation is).
“I like Luhan.” Sehun had told Jongin and Soojung one time when they were eating tteokbokki at the stall near their school after dance practice.
“Yeah we know.” Soojung answered without taking her eyes away from the cup in her hand.
“Don’t you find it weird?”
“I’ve never liked anyone. Soojung likes every guy who takes interest in her. Don’t you think that’s even weirder?” Jongin pointed out, which lead Soojung to throw her stick on Jongin’s face.
Sehun just nodded at that time, wondering how his friends weren't shocked at all. Was his crush really that obvious? He pondered on the question of whether or not Luhan already figured it out or brushed it off as a joke. And the thought of him knowing and thinking it silly bothered him so much.
Sehun has always had this silly little crush on Luhan. He always convinced himself that it was only just that. But it’s already been years and it was getting harder to deny the lump in his throat whenever he thinks about the guys who’s had the privilege to have Luhan be in their arms.
---
Luhan is there right in front of him, dark locks out in the open and pushed back. He’s wearing a white leather jacket that he’s forgotten to return to Sehun since he’s borrowed it months ago and there is kohl lining the rim of his eyes.
“Hey.” Luhan greets, unsure of what to say. It’s only been a month since the last and it’s the shortest one ever since whatever it is that they have started.
“Hey.” Sehun replies back, a trace of a smile faint on his lips. He tries so hard to bite it all back because if he grins too wide, Luhan might deem him insensitive for being too happy to find out that he’s broken up with his boyfriend.
“So I’m guessing that it didn’t work out?” Sehun asks, straight to the point.
Sehun is now twenty-two and this is the fifth occurrence since Zhang Yixing.
Luhan shakes his head, his hair is damp with snow and his shoulders shiver a little from the cold, “It didn’t work out.”
Sehun purses his lips before handing the grey jacket over to Luhan, “Here.” he says, stepping aside to let Luhan enter his unit.
“I still can’t believe you remember that.” Luhan says, poking his arms into the holes of the jacket. He makes himself at home by lying down on the couch.
“Remember what?” Sehun asks, even when he knows what he means. Luhan has his arms outstretched as if in invitation and although Sehun has some hesitations, he obliges. He’s just cold, Sehun thinks. It’s not because he wants to touch you, he convinces himself as he joins Luhan on the couch and Luhan snuggles himself closer by entangling their legs and snuggling his face on Sehun’s chest.
“That I get cold easily.” Luhan says, voice muffled. He crawls upwards Sehun’s body until his chin is resting on his neck. “Jongdae couldn’t even tell that I was cold despite the fact that I was already shivering.”
“Was his name Jongdae?” Sehun asks, his nose is in the jut of Luhan’s neck. And he’s so close he can smell the scent of Luhan’s bubblegum shampoo on his hair.
“Yeah…” Luhan breathes out, Sehun couldn’t help but press his lips harder on Luhan’s skin.
Luhan moans before he whispers something into Sehun’s ears that goes like “You know where to touch me.” and Sehun didn’t need to be told because he was about to do just that.
Sehun’s fingers take its time mapping out stars on Luhan’s skin, whose breathing was frantic as he begs to be touched even more as he drowns in Sehun’s hands and open mouth.
They never needed a transition, Luhan could just present himself and Sehun already knows what to do.
Hours later, when they’re underneath the white duvet, limbs entangled with Luhan’s head settled on Sehun’s chest, Luhan whispers into his ear. His voice was muffled but Sehun still heard it crystal clear.
“I lied. Jongdae was kind-hearted, he always brought an extra jacket whenever we were out since he knows I get cold easily. I didn’t break up with him because he couldn’t take care of me.”
“Then why did you break up with him?”
“Because…” Luhan turns to look at Sehun in the eye. There’s a spark in it, as if he’s asking for something and he won’t stop pulling Sehun down into his orbs until he drowns in it. But Sehun’s never been good with understanding people, and so he doesn’t understand what Luhan means with his gaze. Luhan’s voice is soft and the next words that come out of his mouth is barely even a whisper, “...he just wasn’t the right one.”
“Then who is the right one then?”
Luhan doesn’t answer. Minutes pass and Sehun was already certain that Luhan didn’t intend to answer his question at all. So Sehun just runs his fingers on his Luhan’s shoulder. His skin is cold.
Sehun wonders if he should turn the heater up. But that required standing up and leaving their position, and Luhan was already snug in his arms. So he just pulls Luhan closer and wraps his arms tighter around Luhan’s waist hoping it’s enough to keep him warm. He’s gained weight, he thinks. Good for him. He’s worried Luhan might’ve forgotten to feed himself like he always does since Sehun wasn’t there to remind him the whole period he was dating somebody else.
“Thanks for that.” Luhan whispers, pressing his cheek harder on Sehun’s chest. For a split-second, Luhan lands a peck on it and he wonders if Luhan could feel the pounding of his heart on his lips. “Always, thank you.”
Years and years, and Luhan’s effect on him is still the same.
Sehun’s aware of it, of how there’s a list at the back of his mind containing all the names of the guys that’s passed since Luhan started coming to him whenever he isn’t dating anyone. It’s a short list consisting of only five--six now that Kim Jongdae’s out of Luhan’s life. For each guy listed, Luhan had been at his doorstep begging for comfort. Like how it was the first time with Zhang Yixing. All instances differing in degrees of Luhan degrading himself for being such an asshole or crying due to actual heartbreak.
As for Kim Minseok’s case, it wasn’t so bad. Luhan had stopped hating himself for breaking someone’s heart and soon enough, Luhan was already dating someone new, a Kim Joonmyun this time. Sehun knew when it’s been a week since Luhan last talked to him and he’s already seen him several times with another man around the block.
Kim Joonmyun had been the worst that Oh Sehun had to deal with.
It was because Joonmyun was real. He wasn’t a humper like Zhang Yixing or just someone who had a great body like Kim Minseok. He was prim and proper and graduated in a prestigious university, and not to mention that he had the face of an angel.
Kim Joonmyun wasn’t just anyone because Luhan really did fall in love with him.
And Sehun didn’t know how to handle that.
He didn’t even have the heart to be happy that Luhan’s talking to him again when he knows Luhan is broken all over and Sehun didn’t know how to fix him. Luhan’s heart was out there in the open, but he didn’t know what to do with it. So he tried his best to give all of him as much as he can to help pick the pieces up. He had the chance to do whatever he wanted with Luhan’s heart but he didn’t have the guts to cross a line unless Luhan was the one who initiated. If Sehun thinks about it, maybe Yifan and Jongdae only came to Luhan’s life as an attempt to fill in the space Joonmyun left that Sehun couldn’t fill.
It never really sank in. But it was around that time when Sehun learned to accept that he’s never going to have anything like what Luhan and Joonmyun had.
And so he waited.
Sehun’s heart was on the verge of beating itself out of his chest. Luhan’s fingers were tracing the faint lines of his abdomen. He wonders how lucky and unlucky he is to have and to not have Luhan at the same time.
Luhan only ever comes to Sehun every time the night is too cold for his skin to handle--a bed warmer. One who keeps him warm at night whenever he doesn’t have a boyfriend to do just that. A substitute, perhaps. One that may be able to fill the void but will never be the right one that fits. He isn’t constant but at least he’s sporadic, and that’s fine by him. If he gets to keep Luhan less lonely and more warm in the night, then it’s okay.
“No problem.” Sehun manages to say, voice on the verge of shaking. “Goodnight, Lu.”
Sehun falls asleep thinking, that he can live with being a bed warmer to Luhan’s life.
---
The thing about living in the same building as your friends is that it is inevitable to hide anything from them. It was only the second time when Luhan came running to Sehun to seek comfort after breaking up with Kim Minseok when Jongin and Soojung just so happen to spot them being more than friendly in front of Luhan’s door. The moment Luhan was out of sight, the two of them went out of their hiding place and cornered Sehun.
“We’re going out for drinks and you can’t say no.” Jongin had told him, dragging Sehun with him to the elevator.
They headed over to Polala for drinks and it was really all just shallow banters and stalling until Sehun had enough drinks to loosen the knots in his tongue. It was only a matter of time before Sehun was able to tell Jongin and Soojung his situation with Luhan. After Sehun’s just about done explaining everything, Jongin spoke.
“I really don’t understand why you would settle with being a bed warmer to Luhan.”
“You don’t?” Soojung spat, “It’s because he’s in love with him! You do stupid things when you’re in love. Even more stupid if you’re brokenhearted.”
“I’m not in love with him.” Sehun denied, waving the waiter to get him another bottle. He turned to Jongin in question, “And bed warmer?”
Jongin leaned in closer to Sehun, “I mean… you’re in love with him. Why would you let him use you? He said so himself, he can’t do without a warm body. He’s basically using you for sex because he can’t control himself. You’re only a fucking bed warmer to him. He’s being unfair.”
Unfair, Sehun thought. But he didn’t mind, not at all. Luhan’s always been unfair. Luhan was unfair from the moment when they first met when he got dragged to joining the dance troupe without actually having a choice to say no to being ditched the moment his brother comes along when they’re together. Luhan was unfair with how he started dating in college and almost cutting off contact with Sehun if he was dating someone. Luhan was unfair with how he left and disappeared without saying goodbye just when Sehun wanted to confess.
Luhan was unfair by just suddenly turning up at his doorstep and drowning Sehun in him even deeper when Sehun was just about certain that he already got over him and leaving the next moment he finds someone new.
Luhan is unfair with how he manages to seem so flawless to Sehun in all aspects despite all the reasons for him not to think so--and not to mention that he’s had these feelings for him since he was sixteen and Luhan still doesn’t know.
Maybe he’s being unfair to himself too.
So much was going on in Sehun’s mind that when the waiter came back with his bottle of beer, he chugs on it until it’s down to a half and the only words he can say right after were: “I’m not in love with him.”
Jongin sighed, knowing that Sehun was no longer willing to talk about it any further or listen to him, “Yeah, yeah. Okay.”
Although he’s certain that Soojung understands Sehun’s reason, he knows Jongin doesn’t. He wouldn’t know anyway given that he claims to never have been attracted to anyone from both sexes and regrettably claims to be asexual. Even after months, and several explanations later, Jongin has never understood even once.
And he still doesn’t.
“I really don’t understand the two of you.” Jongin comments, when he decided to drop by his brother’s sandwich shop for lunch and Sehun’s ushering the customer’s inside the sandwich shop as a part of his job description for being the store’s assistant manager (terms which he wrote himself).
“I don’t understand either. But as long as he’s with me, I don’t have to.” he says, taking two more ready-made sandwiches from behind the counter and handing one to Jongin.
“As long as you get to fuck him, you mean?” Jongin corrects. “You do know he’s going to leave you as soon as he gets another man right?”
“I do know that.” Sehun says, munching on his ham and cheese sandwich.
“And it’s really okay with you?”
Sehun shrugs as nonchalantly as he can, “Well, yeah. It’s not like I have a choice.”
“You do have a choice.”
“None that I want except this.”
Jongin stares at him as if in contemplation. They’ve been a similar situation before. Sehun knows Jongin wouldn’t understand. Jongin’s never felt what Sehun has felt with Luhan before.
“Dude, you are so whipped. I can’t believe you’re still in love with Luhan after all these years.”
“I’m not in love with him.” Sehun denies, he says it the same way every time Jongin asks him if he’s
“Are you sure you’ll be okay once he leaves you again?”
Will he really be okay once Luhan leaves him?
Sehun shakes his head, he really shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. He has at least a month to prepare himself for when Luhan finds someone new. It’s too early.
“I’ll be okay.”
Jongin sighs before finally taking a bite on the sandwich Sehun handed to him, “Suit yourself.”
By the time an hour has passed, Sehun drags Jongin out of the sandwich shop and Sehun’s back at his position again at the front of the store flashing his signature smile to anyone coming in.
---
Sehun comes home to the sight of Luhan hunched over something on the hardwood floor. Luhan had texted him saying he wasn’t going to turn up at work and said he’ll be staying home all day--and by home he meant Sehun’s apartment.
“Look at what I found.” Luhan greets, waving the yearbook as soon as he’s noticed Sehun coming in from the front door. “You were seventeen when you graduated right?”
“Yeah turning eighteen.” he says, slipping his shoes off and kicking it to the side of his door.
“Seventeen-year old you was my favorite.” Luhan was laughing, his cackle echoing through the walls in the most beautiful way possible. Until the air goes stagnant and the silence became deafening for reasons unknown.
“Sehun…” Luhan says, diverting Sehun’s attention to where he’s seated on the hardwood floor. Luhan seemed to be reading something from the paper before he turns to look at Sehun. “...what is this?”
Luhan raises the folded up piece of paper in his hand. Sehun could make out a 20 written on it, there’s another number written before it but Luhan’s thumb was over it. It must’ve been one of his lecture notes. But the look Luhan has plastered on his face says otherwise.
Sehun meant to take paper in Luhan’s hand to inspect it when his phone starts ringing.
“I’ll take this.” he excuses himself, checking the caller ID, it read: Kim Jongin.
“Oh Sehun, this is an emergency!” Jongin bursts out in greeting before continuing his sentence. “Soojung is on a breakdown.”
---
Luhan has always been in his life ever since he was fifteen, and he hasn’t left. Sehun’s known him for years, have picked up a number of quirks and little things from all the time they’ve spent.
Although, no amount of hours spent talking can be enough for Sehun to be able to figure Luhan out. It got even worse when Sehun got admitted to the same university where Luhan goes to and they became even closer than they were before.
That is until Sehun found out that the only reason Luhan’s in his English class despite the fact that he doesn’t have to take it anymore is because he’s dating his professor--who’s a girl. It came as a shock to him, because Sehun didn’t know Luhan liked girls even the slightest. He hadn’t even thought about how he’d feel if Luhan started dating anyone, let alone a girl. The image of Luhan carrying Professor Lee’s bag after class while they bickered like any other couple stuck in his mind. He isn’t even so sure if it’s legal but it doesn’t matter because they’re dating, and there’s nothing that Sehun can do to change that fact.
Sehun didn’t know what to do so he stopped returning Luhan’s calls and Luhan didn’t mind. They’re relationship only lasted until the end of the semester though, much to Sehun’s relief. They were back to normal after that.
The last memory that Sehun had before Luhan suddenly disappeared had instilled itself in his mind after days and days, and months--even a year of replaying the same scenario in his mind wondering if he’s missed something or if there was even a single detail he hasn’t paid attention to in that brief encounter.
It had been a week before Fall Semester of his second year would begin and Luhan had asked Sehun out for drinks at an orange tent nearby. “Just like real men.” Luhan had told him. Sehun just laughed and wondered when Luhan would stop pushing his manliness at him.
They ended up tipsy enough to have walking as a struggle when falling face first on the pavement was highly likely. They navigated their way on the streets side-by-side with their arms lazily hunched over each other’s shoulders as support.
“You’ve grown up” Luhan blurted out. “You’re even taller than me now.”
“Took you long enough to realize that. I’ve been taller than you for a few years now.”
“Shut up.”
There was a pause. A comfortable silence that ensued as they went away from the main road and into the alleyway.
“Do I look like my brother now when you liked him?” Sehun asked.
“No. You’re better than him.” Luhan answered. Sehun turned to look at him, who only had his eyes focused on the road before them as if he didn’t know his words would affect Sehun so much. “You’re way better than him.”
Sehun’s heart was racing and his stomach was acting up. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the butterflies or alcohol--maybe both. Luhan still remained unaffected with his gaze and Sehun wanted oh-so badly for Luhan to look back at him. Sehun turned to cup Luhan’s cheeks into his left hand. Luhan’s eyes drifted off to the floor and they’re only inches away from kissing. Maybe he could...
Luhan’s lips tasted like alcohol and honey with traces of peanut and cinnamon from the hotteok. Sehun’s tongue was glazing over the surface of Luhan’s lips until he opened his mouth and everything just tasted so sweet. Sehun was hyper aware of the pounding in his chest and all that can be heard in his mind is Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.
There, right in a dingy alley. Sehun had his first kiss with his first love. It was less than romantic and nothing that Sehun ever imagined when his mind flies with scenarios he knows won’t ever happen.
But it’s nothing short of perfect.
Their lips only stopped moving in sync when they were already sober enough to realize what they were doing. They could only look at each other’s eyes. Luhan was shivering and his lips were glossed over. His eyes were glassy and Sehun got his wish--Luhan was looking at him. But he couldn’t take it, he was afraid of what he might see if he stared any longer.
“I’ll call a cab for you, hyung.” he said, before heading towards the edge of the sidewalk, waiting for a taxi to pass by.
That was the last time Sehun called Luhan hyung.
The morning after that was spent with immense contemplation now that the alcohol’s washed out of his system and the only thing stopping him from thinking even deeper than he already was, had been the pounding in his head. But that didn’t deter him from what he intended to do. Sehun wanted to confess, it’s been too long and he’s been hiding his crush on him since he was sixteen. The words he wanted to say were much too heavy for him to say out loud. So he decided to write it all down and maybe let Luhan read it in front of him.
By the time Sehun’s done writing the letter, Luhan’s already packed the last of his bags, hand with his cellphone and thumb hovering on the call button with the screen displaying Sehun’s contact.
---
As much as Sehun hates having to leave Luhan just as he got home, he knows Jongin can’t handle a drunk Soojung alone.
“Yes, just drink it all up, Jung Soojung.” Jongin encourages as Soojung downs a shot, he had tried to relocate their drinking session at Polala a while back but Soojung wouldn’t let her cheating ex-boyfriend out of sight.
“If he had been cheating on me, he could’ve at least given me the privilege to end the relationship. Why does he get to have the last word?”
“Just drink it all up, Soojung!” Jongin shouts out, handing his drink to Soojung.
Soojung takes the glass in her hand and swallows it all down in one chug. “I can’t take it. I’m gonna punch the bastard.”
“No. You are not--” Jongin attempts to stop her, it all ends in vain when Soojung stands up from her seat at their table and she was already halfway through the dance floor and the both of them watch her march with a fist landing on the guy’s face as soon as she was near enough.
“Go get her.” Sehun tells Jongin. He nods before rushing over to where Soojung is before she makes a scene.
“Drink it all up, Sehun. You haven’t touched your drink since we came here.” Jongin tells him once he manages to pull Soojung out of the dance floor.
“You can have it.” Sehun says, nudging his drink towards Jongin. “I have no reason to drink. Luhan’s in my apartment right now.”
“There’s always a reason to drink.” Soojung says, hands waving around as soon as she manages to take a seat beside Sehun. “Take for example: Luhan.”
“Why would I--” Sehun pauses, the image of Luhan with the folded up piece of paper in his hand and the string of numbers written at the front. “Oh, shit.”
(Luhan raises the folded up piece of paper in his hand. Sehun could make out a 20 written on it, there’s another number written before it but Luhan’s thumb was over it. It must’ve been one of his lecture notes. But the look Luhan has plastered on his face says otherwise.)
520.
It’s not one of his lecture notes.
(hey luhan… can we meet for a while? i just want to give you something
please return my calls… i have something important to tell you
i didnt know you moved out of your apartment last week…
luhan why
wyh
pls tel m ur stl in korea i need to giv u smthhhh
luhan luhan luanh why did uu…….. i like… love… uuu why
the letter…… . . .
Hi Luhan-sunbae. This is Jongin. I don’t know if you’ll still be able to read this but Sehun’s drunk right now. Call him tomorrow afternoon when he’s sober enough so he can explain himself.
why didnt you tell me you were going back to beijing for good?)
“Fuck. Luhan he--Oh God. I can’t face Luhan...” Sehun blurts out, his head suddenly feeling wheezy from the club’s racket and the past memories he’s buried so deep emerging in his mind.
“Then drink the fuck up!” Jongin shouts just as Sehun’s already downing his drink and waving for another one.
Luhan read his letter. One shot. Luhan found out about everything. Two shots. Luhan’s going to reject him. Three shots.
He let himself drown in the alcohol until he couldn’t count how many shots he downed and his wallet’s already missing a few notes since he unknowingly bought their drinks. Flashes of light and dark invade his mind and his ears are ringing from the drone as he sways in the sea of people as he tries not to think of Luhan.
The three of them ended up being shit-faced drunk when they exit the club premises with a part of Sehun’s brain sane from all the madness, just enough to keep his anxiety of knowing that Luhan’s read his letter at bay. He had been drunker just hours ago inside the club but he doesn’t remember much now that he has his mind back after blacking out near the restrooms and Jongin was nice enough to wake him up. Soojung has an arm draped lazily around Sehun’s shoulders as they walk towards the main street to hail a cab and Jongin is trailing behind them.
“It hurts so bad, Sehun.” Soojung whines out, “How do you even deal with heartbreak? From the same person at that. Aren’t you a masochist?”
Sehun blinks, wondering if he’s sober enough to walk straight. He isn’t. “You’ll get over it.”
“You know when… Luhan was still in the dance troupe. He always looked at you like… A puppy or something…”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, no, really! It’s like when Jongin looks at Monggu sometimes…” Soojung adds. She isn’t helping his lost case at all. “But then at some point it changed… it became…”
She isn’t able to finish her sentence when she almost falls and stumbles on the pavement. Luckily enough, Sehun was able to catch her before her pretty face gets scarred from the rough road.
“Ahh, where is Jongin?” she says right after their fast recovery, they look behind their backs at the same time only to see Jongin hugging a lamppost.
“Jongin is no longer asexual. He’s into lampposts.” Soojung says in mild disgust before laughing. Sehun shouts for Jongin to hurry up and the three of them have their arms hunched over each other’s shoulders as they navigate their way to the main street. It isn’t long before they hail a cab and the ride back to their apartment building felt shorter than it was supposed to be.
They ended up going to a convenience store where Sehun bought the three of them bottles of water to hopefully bring them back to a sober enough state.
Except Jongin had other ideas.
“You’re gonna face Luhan.” Jongin tells Sehun as he puts three bottles of soju just when Sehun was about to pay. “Do you really want to be sober?”
Sehun could only nod as he pays for the drinks. Luhan, he thinks. They sat at the tables outside of the convenience store as Jongin and Soojung chug down the bottles of water with Sehun drinking his drunken state back with alcohol. Soon enough Sehun’s already being pushed inside the elevator compartment and he doesn’t remember when they left the convenience store.
When they reached Sehun’s floor, Soojung forces Jongin to hold the elevator doors open before wrapping her arms around Sehun and leaning her forehead. There is liquid on the verge of spilling at the bottom of her eyelids. She leans in closer to the point that her breathe is fanning his nose, it reeks of alcohol and all the wrong decisions she intends to make. “Maybe…”
“I know you kiss everyone but I assure you that you wouldn’t want to kiss me.” Sehun interrupts before her lips decide to move at its own whim and kiss him.
“I’ll kiss Jongin then.” she challenges.
“You’re drunk and brokenhearted.” Sehun says, closing his eyes as if he isn’t himself. Sehun hates it, how he can barely even hold himself up and yet no amount of alcohol infiltrating his system could make him forget that Luhan’s the only one that he wants. “Not a good combination.”
“So are you and…” she pauses, there’s a smirk lingering on her lips because she knows just how similar their situations are. “...you’re always hung up over Luhan.”
Sehun couldn’t say anything back so he keeps quiet.
“I can’t hold this elevator open forever, you know.” Jongin interrupts.
“Goodnight, Soojung.” Sehun says, kissing her forehead instead so she won’t feel too bad for being rejected despite the possibility of her not remembering anything in the morning. Sehun puts both of his hands on her shoulders to disentangle from her embrace and hands her to Jongin while making sure she doesn’t stumble on her feet and fall. “Take care of her, Jongin.”
The words Soojung had told him before echoes in his mind as he steps out of the compartment and each step seems to grow heavier as he approaches the door to his unit.
“You do stupid things when you’re in love. Even more stupid if you’re brokenhearted.”
He can’t help but think that she’s right.
For a moment, he sits down right in front of his door,
Luhan read his letter.
It was written years ago when he was young and so naive. He didn’t even read it twice and maybe that was his mistake because if he had, he wouldn’t even have thought of keeping the letter. He wouldn’t have to worry about Luhan finding out the truth when he didn’t intend to let him know.
At least, not anymore.
He stands up and puts one hand on the doorknob. He should press in his passcode any moment now but he can’t stop thinking about the thought of Luhan finally being aware of his feelings.
The past has a funny way of showing up. When Sehun wanted to let him read the letter, Luhan left before he could even have the chance read at least one sentence. And now that he’s more than certain that he’d rather not have Luhan know, the letter is in his hands with each word burning all of Sehun’s efforts to make sure they stay the way they are now.
And now he doesn’t know how to face Luhan.
There’s a possibility that Luhan hasn’t read it. But his name was literally written outside of the note and there’s no mistake that it was intended for him to read. He’s always been used to indirect rejections. But a direct one coming from Luhan? Sehun wouldn’t know how to handle that.
Maybe he should spare himself another day of not knowing. He can sleep over at Jongin’s and he won’t risk having to face Luhan. Yes, he should. He removes his hand from the doorknob and steps back.
But before Sehun can even start walking away, the door opens and it seemed as though Luhan was the one caught in the headlights with his wide-eyed gaze.
“Sehun!” Luhan exclaims, and Sehun didn’t know what came upon him when he wrapped his arms around Luhan. Minutes pass before everything turns black.
---
The night Kim Joonmyun broke up with Luhan was on a stormy night. Luhan didn’t turn up at his doorstep. Instead he called him up on his cellphone. Sehun was almost afraid to pick up the call for some reason. But when he did, he understood why.
When Sehun came to the neighborhood park, Luhan was shivering from the rain as he sits outside of the playhouse. Sehun was rushing himself too much that he forgot to bring anything else except an umbrella when he sees that Luhan was only clad in short-sleeved shirt. He drags the both of them inside the playhouse and without even thinking, Sehun strips himself off his sweater and jacket and puts it on Luhan. It doesn’t even matter that he’s left with nothing but his ratty sweatpants. That’s the least of his worries. Luhan gets cold easily, twenty-two degrees and he’s already hunched up underneath a blanket. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how cold he must’ve been for hours sitting under the rain.
“It hurts so bad. What do I do, Sehun-ah?” Luhan finally asked him with clattering teeth, after minutes of idle silence as Sehun tries his best to keep Luhan from shivering.
“I…” he trails off. What was he doing? He suddenly thought of his current situation, how he can’t even think properly when it comes to Luhan, he can’t even think of himself anymore.
What was he supposed to tell Luhan when he doesn’t even know to fix his own heart? Sehun doesn’t even know the answer himself. Sehun sighs.
“I don’t know.”
PART 2
Title: Bed Warmer
Rating: R
Word Count: 15,000
Prompt: friolero: a person who is especially sensitive to cold weather and temperatures or Sehun was just Luhan’s bed warmer every time the night is too cold for his skin to handle. It had been like that for more than a year until a certain note got caught in Luhan’s fingers and went up in flames.
Warning/s: a whole bunch of mentions of past luhan relationships, and also for implied sex and watch out for implied public sex too uwu
There is a knock on his door. Three taps and Sehun’s already rushing out to the door in just his ratty old sweatpants and white shirt. Never mind that he’s supposed to be looking for job openings so he could stop feeding off his parent’s money (and stop using that faux assistant manager position in his brother’s sandwich shop as a sorry excuse for a job), he’s been waiting to hear the same three knocks since the last time and no one’s going to stop him.
“Sehun-ah?” Luhan asks out loud in question from the other side of the door.
“I’m coming!” Sehun shouts back.
Luhan only ever talks to Sehun whenever a break up happens and he’s back to being single again.
It is certainly not the best setup when they’ve already been through a series of unconventional relationships before (e.g. Luhan coming over to Sehun’s house just to ogle his brother during high school, Luhan dating his female English professor during his first year in college). But Sehun was already twenty-one when it started and they haven’t had an actual relationship of some sort since summer break ended and Luhan hadn’t informed Sehun that he was spending a few years in Beijing as soon as Fall Semester began. So it came as a shock to Sehun that Luhan was living next door in the apartment complex he lived in after college when Luhan accidentally turned up at his doorstep thinking it was his.
“Wrong door?” Luhan had slurred that night, his voice bubbly under the influence of alcohol.” This is the third time already, where the fuck is my house…” he muttered.
His hair had changed to the darkest shade of black and styled messily as if they’ve been abused relentlessly by fingers. It used to be blond most of the time in the few years Sehun has known Luhan. But two years is long enough to change someone to the point that it took the both of them a minute before they recognized each other.
Soon enough, Sehun had made Luhan enter his apartment and they started talking about Luhan’s love life with bottles and bottles of soju that Sehun has stashed in the refrigerator. Luhan had said that he just broke up with a certain Zhang Yixing. A guy who humped the floor more times than Luhan himself. Luhan said he was a dancer, which was why Luhan agreed to date him in the first place. (Sehun wanted to argue that he was a dancer too! He just didn’t end up continuing it when college started.) But then it seemed like Yixing was more interested in humping the floor than Luhan himself, which lead to a breakup and Luhan swore that he will never date a dancer again. (Sehun supposes that he isn’t a dancer. He quit years ago, anyway. He is definitely not a dancer.)
Sehun couldn’t recall how many bottles of alcohol they’ve consumed. But it was enough to have Sehun be fucking Luhan senseless on the same sheets he picked up from the laundromat a few hours prior to Luhan’s visit. Sehun usually minded when dirty feet would even come contact with the fabric. But when strings of cum had painted the navy blue sheets and their sweat-slicked bodies had been slammed on it, having to pay five-thousand won to get the sheets washed once again was at the back of his mind as he thrusted inside Luhan to oblivion.
Sehun had thought the next day would’ve been awkward, in a sense of how “I used to have this big crush on you until you disappeared two years ago and now you’re back and we’ve fucked like it hasn’t been years.” could be. But no, because the very next day Sehun was hovering over Luhan who was begging Sehun for something, anything to stop the ache between his legs from throbbing.
Only this time, they were both sober.
Somehow, one way or another, each night Sehun finds his limbs entangled with Luhan’s underneath layers and layers of duvets and blankets because Luhan can’t sleep without that much. It didn’t even matter that his skin is sweat-slicked with sex, heat, and Luhan.
It lasted until Luhan started dating again (which was only two weeks later). It’s a Kim Minseok that time, who had “a body sculpted by the gods” (or so Luhan says). Coincidentally, Luhan stopped knocking on his apartment and don’t even text him anymore. The closest thing they had to an interaction had been the occasional small smiles and talks when they pass by the hallway, lobby and even the elevator when it’s the most frustrating for Sehun who’s always had the same question resting on the tip of this tongue: Why did you stop talking to me the moment you dated someone new?
Sehun wouldn’t even have known Luhan had been dating someone new if he hadn’t been waiting outside his door to try and talk to Luhan who he hasn’t been in touch with for days. Hours later, he saw Luhan with his lips locked with another man right in front of Luhan’s doorstep.
Sehun felt used, most of all, brokenhearted the next. He spent the next few weeks going to the dumb parties Kim Jongin went to every night to stitch his fucked up heart. But of course, nothing could suffice the needs he has to have Luhan back in his arms even if their sort-of relationship only lasted a few weeks before Luhan rode Minseok’s dick out of Sehun’s life.
Of course, whatever they had didn’t even involve any commitment or emotional attachment. It was not as if he wanted Luhan to marry him. He just wishes so much that Luhan wouldn’t be insensitive enough to shout out profanities whenever he and Minseok are fucking next door. For God’s sake, the walls were thin as a blanket and Sehun could write a book with the words spat out from his pretty little lips.
“Minseok-ah, Minseok-ah! Ah! Fuck me! Right now! Yes, faster!” Sehun would hear almost every night in different variations whenever he tries to sleep. Luhan’s always been a vocal one, he loved that about him, but he’d rather have Luhan to just keep his mouth shut when it’s not him who’s making him be that way. It was a horror that lasted for a few days. That’s when Sehun decided that he wasn’t going to let the ghost of Luhan’s voice haunt him. He was going to respond back.
“Yes, yes! She was so good. Like really good good. Da…” Sehun shouted out once Luhan’s voice is heard through the walls. He held his phone to his ear for added effect even if no one’s around and he looks silly since he was playing Neko Atsume before Luhan started yelling. What girl’s name can work with ‘Da’ again? “hye? Yes! She calls me oppa. Yes, yes, she’s gotta be the best fuck of my life! Yes, yes!”
He must’ve overused the word yes (which was embarrassing of course). But it didn’t matter because Luhan was still too preoccupied with Minseok’s dick to care. And so Sehun was forced to call up a drinking session at Polala with the 94 Squad (his best dance buds, which wouldn’t even be part of Sehun’s life if not for Luhan) to spend his money on alcohol instead of laundry since he doesn’t have to wash his sheets more than necessary when Luhan isn’t there to help him stain the sheets anymore.
“I bought a fucking duvet to cater for his needs and he goes fucking with someone else next door? Who does he think he is?” Sehun had bursted out, tearing the complimentary tissues and slamming it on the vintage table. Jongin’s boisterous laugh reverberated in the miniscule bistro and it isn’t so much fun to join in when it’s him he’s laughing at.
“You can always refund the duvet.” Jongin suggested once his laughter died down, “Or burn it. I’m sure Luhan wouldn’t mind since he isn’t sleeping over yours anymore and he’s found someone else to fuck with.” Jongin laughed as he chewed on the drumstick hard.
Insensitive prick, Sehun thought. He downed what’s left inside the bottle and waved his hand for another one.
The thing is, he can’t exactly refund them when he and Luhan have stained them more times than necessary already. The duvet is still resting on top of his bed and he’s reminded of Luhan every single time he lays down on it.
Soojung choked on her drink, “Oh my God, you’re still not over him? You’ve been in love with him since we were sixteen. I can’t believe this!” she commented. It’s her turn to laugh this time. Sehun groans.
The thing about the 94 Squad is that they don’t exactly help him with his problems. They just laugh at his misery, which is great for Sehun because he doesn’t really dig all those cheesy advices about moving on. He’d rather wait for whatever he’s feeling to pass (which obviously isn’t effective considering that he’s been into Luhan since first year of high school), if it doesn’t then maybe he can go like Luhan until the end of time. Call him a masochist but he’s already way in it too deep that he isn’t willing to stop even if he’s been hurt countless of times with silent rejections.
Sipping her pink-colored cocktail from a straw, Soojung added, “I’m not surprised though. Wasn’t he the one who introduced you to us? Luhan like invented you or something.”
Sehun couldn’t disagree because yes, maybe Luhan did invent him (or something) in a way. So he just settled with drinking the bottle of alcohol the waitress handed to him to a half and continued ranting about Luhan, Luhan, and Luhan until he passed out.
It took Sehun weeks before he could manage to think that he was fine, and well he was. Seeing the disheveled young man walk Minseok out of the apartment in the wee hours of the morning was already enough for him. It’s during those times when he’s so cute with his eyes squinted with sleep and Sehun has to slow down his walk to the subway station just to spend a few more seconds admiring Luhan’s morning face when he’s grabbing breakfast at the cafe downstairs that makes Sehun think that such glimpses would be enough for him. He wasn’t hurt anymore. He was okay with watching from afar or how close they could be living side-by-side. It’s not like he was in love with Luhan. Maybe he was sort of obsessed with him throughout high school and until the first few years in college. But his feeling’s have died down since then and it only revived since Luhan came back to his life.
But now Sehun believes that he just likes him (like really, really like him; it doesn’t matter though, he supposes).
That is until three months later and Luhan’s at his doorstep saying “I broke up with him. He just wasn’t right. I broke his heart. What do I do, Sehun-ah?” and the next hour after that had been spent with comfort and building up the sexual tension until Sehun decided to break it with his lips and hands and they’re both drowning in each other’s presence and Luhan would always tell Sehun where to touch him because “It’s cold, Sehun-ah. Touch me here, please.”
And so the cycle began.
Sehun takes a deep breath before grabbing a jacket from the coatrack. He attempts to catch his breath in the next few seconds to make sure it isn’t too obvious that he’s been waiting for Luhan to come before twisting the doorknob open.
---
Before anything else, it’s important to note that Sehun and Luhan go way back. Years and years ago when fifteen year-old Sehun first met nineteen year-old Luhan during high school.
Sehun had been a first year back then and making friends wasn’t his forte (it still isn’t) and some of his classmates had invited him to skip class to smoke. Sehun didn’t really have any opinion about cigarettes so he tagged along, hoping a stick in between his lips can help him gain friends without much effort.
Of course, before Sehun was even able to exit the school premises, Luhan blocked his way making him be left behind by the group.
“You’re Oh Sehun, aren’t you?” Luhan had beamed, ultimately blocking his way as he puts both hands on either side of Sehun’s shoulders. “Wow, you’re like a baby version of your brother.”
Sehun was beyond confused. Who was this overly enthusiastic boy getting in the way of his crusade on being a badass high schooler? Before sehun knew it, he was already being dragged to an empty classroom while Luhan tried to appease his confusion with an explanation saying: “I’m friends with your brother. He said you wouldn’t mind if I did this.” Which proved to be true given that he didn’t have any complaints.
Turns out Luhan was trying to scout him to join a dance troupe who needed more members since majority of the current members are in the graduating class much like him. Sehun’s brother had mentioned that he can dance, which lead to how they ended up in the classroom which ended up being filled with the rest of the dance troupe members.
They have grown some sort of friendship after that. Luhan had forced Sehun to call him hyung even though Sehun isn’t so fond of formalities (although Sehun secretly doesn’t call him hyung behind his back). It was around the same time Jongin and Soojung got recruited and they unanimously became the 94 Squad after that for being stuck in the same situation as him.
(“Sooyeon-eonnie told one of the seniors that I could dance. I didn’t dance that much but this is fun, I guess.” Soojung had told him one time at a water break. “Jongin too, his sister’s boyfriend was a former member. I really don’t understand how recruitment even works in this troupe.”)
Sehun isn’t so sure when, but in between dance practices and walks to Sehun’s house (because apparently, Luhan meant to have a study session with his brother), Sehun had developed this crush on Luhan. It wasn’t so hard and Sehun barely even struggled to fight it, not with the way Luhan raised him and brought him out of his shell.
Luhan quit a few months later after Sehun got recruited, but he still managed to visit once in awhile and walk with Sehun to his home for the study sessions (and in the days that he doesn’t, he’s already at home with his brother, studying, he presumes).
Luhan was just always there. Even if he wasn’t.
It was harder to spend time with Luhan once he entered college. But Luhan still made sure to keep in touch when he had the time. Even when Luhan grew out of his silly crush on his brother, he still came over at his house to ‘hang out’ but this time it isn’t for his brother. It’s for him. By this time, Sehun already knew that his crush on Luhan isn’t something he’ll grow out of anytime soon--and he didn’t mind.
What he minded though, was the fact that ever since he had admitted to no longer liking his brother, Luhan started dating like crazy.
“I get cold easily, you know that right? I can’t do without a warm body.” Luhan had told him, explaining why they haven’t seen each other in months. It was harder to notice especially since they used to talk in a daily basis at that time. But at some point, Sehun realized the display picture of the person he was talking to was someone he barely even recognized anymore with his blond hair a shade lighter than it used to be--and with another man he’s never seen before, an arm over Luhan’s dainty shoulders looking too snug to be considered friendly. Sehun doesn’t even remember how many Luhan’s dated at that time--he lost count and he thinks Luhan might’ve too.
The year Sehun became part of the graduating class was the same year he grew tall (and arguably handsome), his skills in dancing were recognized and he became more popular in their school. It was curious, because someone who looked like that don’t stay single for long... People thought that maybe he was dating Soojung, but then Jongin was also there (who they also thought was dating Soojung). The rumors only died down when Soojung started dating more than often and the three of them still sticked to each other like glue whenever Soojung isn’t off with her boyfriend.
Of course, new rumors came out saying both Sehun and Jongin were gay, even gay lovers perhaps and Soojung was just there to become their red-headed beard. Sehun was bothered for some reason and Jongin didn’t really mind because he knew it wasn’t true when he’s never really had an actual preference. Sehun only had one preference and he isn’t even sure if that meant he was gay (He might as well call himself Luhan-sexual so he wouldn’t be so bothered trying to figure out what his actual sexual orientation is).
“I like Luhan.” Sehun had told Jongin and Soojung one time when they were eating tteokbokki at the stall near their school after dance practice.
“Yeah we know.” Soojung answered without taking her eyes away from the cup in her hand.
“Don’t you find it weird?”
“I’ve never liked anyone. Soojung likes every guy who takes interest in her. Don’t you think that’s even weirder?” Jongin pointed out, which lead Soojung to throw her stick on Jongin’s face.
Sehun just nodded at that time, wondering how his friends weren't shocked at all. Was his crush really that obvious? He pondered on the question of whether or not Luhan already figured it out or brushed it off as a joke. And the thought of him knowing and thinking it silly bothered him so much.
Sehun has always had this silly little crush on Luhan. He always convinced himself that it was only just that. But it’s already been years and it was getting harder to deny the lump in his throat whenever he thinks about the guys who’s had the privilege to have Luhan be in their arms.
---
Luhan is there right in front of him, dark locks out in the open and pushed back. He’s wearing a white leather jacket that he’s forgotten to return to Sehun since he’s borrowed it months ago and there is kohl lining the rim of his eyes.
“Hey.” Luhan greets, unsure of what to say. It’s only been a month since the last and it’s the shortest one ever since whatever it is that they have started.
“Hey.” Sehun replies back, a trace of a smile faint on his lips. He tries so hard to bite it all back because if he grins too wide, Luhan might deem him insensitive for being too happy to find out that he’s broken up with his boyfriend.
“So I’m guessing that it didn’t work out?” Sehun asks, straight to the point.
Sehun is now twenty-two and this is the fifth occurrence since Zhang Yixing.
Luhan shakes his head, his hair is damp with snow and his shoulders shiver a little from the cold, “It didn’t work out.”
Sehun purses his lips before handing the grey jacket over to Luhan, “Here.” he says, stepping aside to let Luhan enter his unit.
“I still can’t believe you remember that.” Luhan says, poking his arms into the holes of the jacket. He makes himself at home by lying down on the couch.
“Remember what?” Sehun asks, even when he knows what he means. Luhan has his arms outstretched as if in invitation and although Sehun has some hesitations, he obliges. He’s just cold, Sehun thinks. It’s not because he wants to touch you, he convinces himself as he joins Luhan on the couch and Luhan snuggles himself closer by entangling their legs and snuggling his face on Sehun’s chest.
“That I get cold easily.” Luhan says, voice muffled. He crawls upwards Sehun’s body until his chin is resting on his neck. “Jongdae couldn’t even tell that I was cold despite the fact that I was already shivering.”
“Was his name Jongdae?” Sehun asks, his nose is in the jut of Luhan’s neck. And he’s so close he can smell the scent of Luhan’s bubblegum shampoo on his hair.
“Yeah…” Luhan breathes out, Sehun couldn’t help but press his lips harder on Luhan’s skin.
Luhan moans before he whispers something into Sehun’s ears that goes like “You know where to touch me.” and Sehun didn’t need to be told because he was about to do just that.
Sehun’s fingers take its time mapping out stars on Luhan’s skin, whose breathing was frantic as he begs to be touched even more as he drowns in Sehun’s hands and open mouth.
They never needed a transition, Luhan could just present himself and Sehun already knows what to do.
Hours later, when they’re underneath the white duvet, limbs entangled with Luhan’s head settled on Sehun’s chest, Luhan whispers into his ear. His voice was muffled but Sehun still heard it crystal clear.
“I lied. Jongdae was kind-hearted, he always brought an extra jacket whenever we were out since he knows I get cold easily. I didn’t break up with him because he couldn’t take care of me.”
“Then why did you break up with him?”
“Because…” Luhan turns to look at Sehun in the eye. There’s a spark in it, as if he’s asking for something and he won’t stop pulling Sehun down into his orbs until he drowns in it. But Sehun’s never been good with understanding people, and so he doesn’t understand what Luhan means with his gaze. Luhan’s voice is soft and the next words that come out of his mouth is barely even a whisper, “...he just wasn’t the right one.”
“Then who is the right one then?”
Luhan doesn’t answer. Minutes pass and Sehun was already certain that Luhan didn’t intend to answer his question at all. So Sehun just runs his fingers on his Luhan’s shoulder. His skin is cold.
Sehun wonders if he should turn the heater up. But that required standing up and leaving their position, and Luhan was already snug in his arms. So he just pulls Luhan closer and wraps his arms tighter around Luhan’s waist hoping it’s enough to keep him warm. He’s gained weight, he thinks. Good for him. He’s worried Luhan might’ve forgotten to feed himself like he always does since Sehun wasn’t there to remind him the whole period he was dating somebody else.
“Thanks for that.” Luhan whispers, pressing his cheek harder on Sehun’s chest. For a split-second, Luhan lands a peck on it and he wonders if Luhan could feel the pounding of his heart on his lips. “Always, thank you.”
Years and years, and Luhan’s effect on him is still the same.
Sehun’s aware of it, of how there’s a list at the back of his mind containing all the names of the guys that’s passed since Luhan started coming to him whenever he isn’t dating anyone. It’s a short list consisting of only five--six now that Kim Jongdae’s out of Luhan’s life. For each guy listed, Luhan had been at his doorstep begging for comfort. Like how it was the first time with Zhang Yixing. All instances differing in degrees of Luhan degrading himself for being such an asshole or crying due to actual heartbreak.
As for Kim Minseok’s case, it wasn’t so bad. Luhan had stopped hating himself for breaking someone’s heart and soon enough, Luhan was already dating someone new, a Kim Joonmyun this time. Sehun knew when it’s been a week since Luhan last talked to him and he’s already seen him several times with another man around the block.
Kim Joonmyun had been the worst that Oh Sehun had to deal with.
It was because Joonmyun was real. He wasn’t a humper like Zhang Yixing or just someone who had a great body like Kim Minseok. He was prim and proper and graduated in a prestigious university, and not to mention that he had the face of an angel.
Kim Joonmyun wasn’t just anyone because Luhan really did fall in love with him.
And Sehun didn’t know how to handle that.
He didn’t even have the heart to be happy that Luhan’s talking to him again when he knows Luhan is broken all over and Sehun didn’t know how to fix him. Luhan’s heart was out there in the open, but he didn’t know what to do with it. So he tried his best to give all of him as much as he can to help pick the pieces up. He had the chance to do whatever he wanted with Luhan’s heart but he didn’t have the guts to cross a line unless Luhan was the one who initiated. If Sehun thinks about it, maybe Yifan and Jongdae only came to Luhan’s life as an attempt to fill in the space Joonmyun left that Sehun couldn’t fill.
It never really sank in. But it was around that time when Sehun learned to accept that he’s never going to have anything like what Luhan and Joonmyun had.
And so he waited.
Sehun’s heart was on the verge of beating itself out of his chest. Luhan’s fingers were tracing the faint lines of his abdomen. He wonders how lucky and unlucky he is to have and to not have Luhan at the same time.
Luhan only ever comes to Sehun every time the night is too cold for his skin to handle--a bed warmer. One who keeps him warm at night whenever he doesn’t have a boyfriend to do just that. A substitute, perhaps. One that may be able to fill the void but will never be the right one that fits. He isn’t constant but at least he’s sporadic, and that’s fine by him. If he gets to keep Luhan less lonely and more warm in the night, then it’s okay.
“No problem.” Sehun manages to say, voice on the verge of shaking. “Goodnight, Lu.”
Sehun falls asleep thinking, that he can live with being a bed warmer to Luhan’s life.
---
The thing about living in the same building as your friends is that it is inevitable to hide anything from them. It was only the second time when Luhan came running to Sehun to seek comfort after breaking up with Kim Minseok when Jongin and Soojung just so happen to spot them being more than friendly in front of Luhan’s door. The moment Luhan was out of sight, the two of them went out of their hiding place and cornered Sehun.
“We’re going out for drinks and you can’t say no.” Jongin had told him, dragging Sehun with him to the elevator.
They headed over to Polala for drinks and it was really all just shallow banters and stalling until Sehun had enough drinks to loosen the knots in his tongue. It was only a matter of time before Sehun was able to tell Jongin and Soojung his situation with Luhan. After Sehun’s just about done explaining everything, Jongin spoke.
“I really don’t understand why you would settle with being a bed warmer to Luhan.”
“You don’t?” Soojung spat, “It’s because he’s in love with him! You do stupid things when you’re in love. Even more stupid if you’re brokenhearted.”
“I’m not in love with him.” Sehun denied, waving the waiter to get him another bottle. He turned to Jongin in question, “And bed warmer?”
Jongin leaned in closer to Sehun, “I mean… you’re in love with him. Why would you let him use you? He said so himself, he can’t do without a warm body. He’s basically using you for sex because he can’t control himself. You’re only a fucking bed warmer to him. He’s being unfair.”
Unfair, Sehun thought. But he didn’t mind, not at all. Luhan’s always been unfair. Luhan was unfair from the moment when they first met when he got dragged to joining the dance troupe without actually having a choice to say no to being ditched the moment his brother comes along when they’re together. Luhan was unfair with how he started dating in college and almost cutting off contact with Sehun if he was dating someone. Luhan was unfair with how he left and disappeared without saying goodbye just when Sehun wanted to confess.
Luhan was unfair by just suddenly turning up at his doorstep and drowning Sehun in him even deeper when Sehun was just about certain that he already got over him and leaving the next moment he finds someone new.
Luhan is unfair with how he manages to seem so flawless to Sehun in all aspects despite all the reasons for him not to think so--and not to mention that he’s had these feelings for him since he was sixteen and Luhan still doesn’t know.
Maybe he’s being unfair to himself too.
So much was going on in Sehun’s mind that when the waiter came back with his bottle of beer, he chugs on it until it’s down to a half and the only words he can say right after were: “I’m not in love with him.”
Jongin sighed, knowing that Sehun was no longer willing to talk about it any further or listen to him, “Yeah, yeah. Okay.”
Although he’s certain that Soojung understands Sehun’s reason, he knows Jongin doesn’t. He wouldn’t know anyway given that he claims to never have been attracted to anyone from both sexes and regrettably claims to be asexual. Even after months, and several explanations later, Jongin has never understood even once.
And he still doesn’t.
“I really don’t understand the two of you.” Jongin comments, when he decided to drop by his brother’s sandwich shop for lunch and Sehun’s ushering the customer’s inside the sandwich shop as a part of his job description for being the store’s assistant manager (terms which he wrote himself).
“I don’t understand either. But as long as he’s with me, I don’t have to.” he says, taking two more ready-made sandwiches from behind the counter and handing one to Jongin.
“As long as you get to fuck him, you mean?” Jongin corrects. “You do know he’s going to leave you as soon as he gets another man right?”
“I do know that.” Sehun says, munching on his ham and cheese sandwich.
“And it’s really okay with you?”
Sehun shrugs as nonchalantly as he can, “Well, yeah. It’s not like I have a choice.”
“You do have a choice.”
“None that I want except this.”
Jongin stares at him as if in contemplation. They’ve been a similar situation before. Sehun knows Jongin wouldn’t understand. Jongin’s never felt what Sehun has felt with Luhan before.
“Dude, you are so whipped. I can’t believe you’re still in love with Luhan after all these years.”
“I’m not in love with him.” Sehun denies, he says it the same way every time Jongin asks him if he’s
“Are you sure you’ll be okay once he leaves you again?”
Will he really be okay once Luhan leaves him?
Sehun shakes his head, he really shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. He has at least a month to prepare himself for when Luhan finds someone new. It’s too early.
“I’ll be okay.”
Jongin sighs before finally taking a bite on the sandwich Sehun handed to him, “Suit yourself.”
By the time an hour has passed, Sehun drags Jongin out of the sandwich shop and Sehun’s back at his position again at the front of the store flashing his signature smile to anyone coming in.
---
Sehun comes home to the sight of Luhan hunched over something on the hardwood floor. Luhan had texted him saying he wasn’t going to turn up at work and said he’ll be staying home all day--and by home he meant Sehun’s apartment.
“Look at what I found.” Luhan greets, waving the yearbook as soon as he’s noticed Sehun coming in from the front door. “You were seventeen when you graduated right?”
“Yeah turning eighteen.” he says, slipping his shoes off and kicking it to the side of his door.
“Seventeen-year old you was my favorite.” Luhan was laughing, his cackle echoing through the walls in the most beautiful way possible. Until the air goes stagnant and the silence became deafening for reasons unknown.
“Sehun…” Luhan says, diverting Sehun’s attention to where he’s seated on the hardwood floor. Luhan seemed to be reading something from the paper before he turns to look at Sehun. “...what is this?”
Luhan raises the folded up piece of paper in his hand. Sehun could make out a 20 written on it, there’s another number written before it but Luhan’s thumb was over it. It must’ve been one of his lecture notes. But the look Luhan has plastered on his face says otherwise.
Sehun meant to take paper in Luhan’s hand to inspect it when his phone starts ringing.
“I’ll take this.” he excuses himself, checking the caller ID, it read: Kim Jongin.
“Oh Sehun, this is an emergency!” Jongin bursts out in greeting before continuing his sentence. “Soojung is on a breakdown.”
---
Luhan has always been in his life ever since he was fifteen, and he hasn’t left. Sehun’s known him for years, have picked up a number of quirks and little things from all the time they’ve spent.
Although, no amount of hours spent talking can be enough for Sehun to be able to figure Luhan out. It got even worse when Sehun got admitted to the same university where Luhan goes to and they became even closer than they were before.
That is until Sehun found out that the only reason Luhan’s in his English class despite the fact that he doesn’t have to take it anymore is because he’s dating his professor--who’s a girl. It came as a shock to him, because Sehun didn’t know Luhan liked girls even the slightest. He hadn’t even thought about how he’d feel if Luhan started dating anyone, let alone a girl. The image of Luhan carrying Professor Lee’s bag after class while they bickered like any other couple stuck in his mind. He isn’t even so sure if it’s legal but it doesn’t matter because they’re dating, and there’s nothing that Sehun can do to change that fact.
Sehun didn’t know what to do so he stopped returning Luhan’s calls and Luhan didn’t mind. They’re relationship only lasted until the end of the semester though, much to Sehun’s relief. They were back to normal after that.
The last memory that Sehun had before Luhan suddenly disappeared had instilled itself in his mind after days and days, and months--even a year of replaying the same scenario in his mind wondering if he’s missed something or if there was even a single detail he hasn’t paid attention to in that brief encounter.
It had been a week before Fall Semester of his second year would begin and Luhan had asked Sehun out for drinks at an orange tent nearby. “Just like real men.” Luhan had told him. Sehun just laughed and wondered when Luhan would stop pushing his manliness at him.
They ended up tipsy enough to have walking as a struggle when falling face first on the pavement was highly likely. They navigated their way on the streets side-by-side with their arms lazily hunched over each other’s shoulders as support.
“You’ve grown up” Luhan blurted out. “You’re even taller than me now.”
“Took you long enough to realize that. I’ve been taller than you for a few years now.”
“Shut up.”
There was a pause. A comfortable silence that ensued as they went away from the main road and into the alleyway.
“Do I look like my brother now when you liked him?” Sehun asked.
“No. You’re better than him.” Luhan answered. Sehun turned to look at him, who only had his eyes focused on the road before them as if he didn’t know his words would affect Sehun so much. “You’re way better than him.”
Sehun’s heart was racing and his stomach was acting up. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the butterflies or alcohol--maybe both. Luhan still remained unaffected with his gaze and Sehun wanted oh-so badly for Luhan to look back at him. Sehun turned to cup Luhan’s cheeks into his left hand. Luhan’s eyes drifted off to the floor and they’re only inches away from kissing. Maybe he could...
Luhan’s lips tasted like alcohol and honey with traces of peanut and cinnamon from the hotteok. Sehun’s tongue was glazing over the surface of Luhan’s lips until he opened his mouth and everything just tasted so sweet. Sehun was hyper aware of the pounding in his chest and all that can be heard in his mind is Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.
There, right in a dingy alley. Sehun had his first kiss with his first love. It was less than romantic and nothing that Sehun ever imagined when his mind flies with scenarios he knows won’t ever happen.
But it’s nothing short of perfect.
Their lips only stopped moving in sync when they were already sober enough to realize what they were doing. They could only look at each other’s eyes. Luhan was shivering and his lips were glossed over. His eyes were glassy and Sehun got his wish--Luhan was looking at him. But he couldn’t take it, he was afraid of what he might see if he stared any longer.
“I’ll call a cab for you, hyung.” he said, before heading towards the edge of the sidewalk, waiting for a taxi to pass by.
That was the last time Sehun called Luhan hyung.
The morning after that was spent with immense contemplation now that the alcohol’s washed out of his system and the only thing stopping him from thinking even deeper than he already was, had been the pounding in his head. But that didn’t deter him from what he intended to do. Sehun wanted to confess, it’s been too long and he’s been hiding his crush on him since he was sixteen. The words he wanted to say were much too heavy for him to say out loud. So he decided to write it all down and maybe let Luhan read it in front of him.
By the time Sehun’s done writing the letter, Luhan’s already packed the last of his bags, hand with his cellphone and thumb hovering on the call button with the screen displaying Sehun’s contact.
---
As much as Sehun hates having to leave Luhan just as he got home, he knows Jongin can’t handle a drunk Soojung alone.
“Yes, just drink it all up, Jung Soojung.” Jongin encourages as Soojung downs a shot, he had tried to relocate their drinking session at Polala a while back but Soojung wouldn’t let her cheating ex-boyfriend out of sight.
“If he had been cheating on me, he could’ve at least given me the privilege to end the relationship. Why does he get to have the last word?”
“Just drink it all up, Soojung!” Jongin shouts out, handing his drink to Soojung.
Soojung takes the glass in her hand and swallows it all down in one chug. “I can’t take it. I’m gonna punch the bastard.”
“No. You are not--” Jongin attempts to stop her, it all ends in vain when Soojung stands up from her seat at their table and she was already halfway through the dance floor and the both of them watch her march with a fist landing on the guy’s face as soon as she was near enough.
“Go get her.” Sehun tells Jongin. He nods before rushing over to where Soojung is before she makes a scene.
“Drink it all up, Sehun. You haven’t touched your drink since we came here.” Jongin tells him once he manages to pull Soojung out of the dance floor.
“You can have it.” Sehun says, nudging his drink towards Jongin. “I have no reason to drink. Luhan’s in my apartment right now.”
“There’s always a reason to drink.” Soojung says, hands waving around as soon as she manages to take a seat beside Sehun. “Take for example: Luhan.”
“Why would I--” Sehun pauses, the image of Luhan with the folded up piece of paper in his hand and the string of numbers written at the front. “Oh, shit.”
(Luhan raises the folded up piece of paper in his hand. Sehun could make out a 20 written on it, there’s another number written before it but Luhan’s thumb was over it. It must’ve been one of his lecture notes. But the look Luhan has plastered on his face says otherwise.)
520.
It’s not one of his lecture notes.
(hey luhan… can we meet for a while? i just want to give you something
please return my calls… i have something important to tell you
i didnt know you moved out of your apartment last week…
luhan why
wyh
pls tel m ur stl in korea i need to giv u smthhhh
luhan luhan luanh why did uu…….. i like… love… uuu why
the letter…… . . .
Hi Luhan-sunbae. This is Jongin. I don’t know if you’ll still be able to read this but Sehun’s drunk right now. Call him tomorrow afternoon when he’s sober enough so he can explain himself.
why didnt you tell me you were going back to beijing for good?)
“Fuck. Luhan he--Oh God. I can’t face Luhan...” Sehun blurts out, his head suddenly feeling wheezy from the club’s racket and the past memories he’s buried so deep emerging in his mind.
“Then drink the fuck up!” Jongin shouts just as Sehun’s already downing his drink and waving for another one.
Luhan read his letter. One shot. Luhan found out about everything. Two shots. Luhan’s going to reject him. Three shots.
He let himself drown in the alcohol until he couldn’t count how many shots he downed and his wallet’s already missing a few notes since he unknowingly bought their drinks. Flashes of light and dark invade his mind and his ears are ringing from the drone as he sways in the sea of people as he tries not to think of Luhan.
The three of them ended up being shit-faced drunk when they exit the club premises with a part of Sehun’s brain sane from all the madness, just enough to keep his anxiety of knowing that Luhan’s read his letter at bay. He had been drunker just hours ago inside the club but he doesn’t remember much now that he has his mind back after blacking out near the restrooms and Jongin was nice enough to wake him up. Soojung has an arm draped lazily around Sehun’s shoulders as they walk towards the main street to hail a cab and Jongin is trailing behind them.
“It hurts so bad, Sehun.” Soojung whines out, “How do you even deal with heartbreak? From the same person at that. Aren’t you a masochist?”
Sehun blinks, wondering if he’s sober enough to walk straight. He isn’t. “You’ll get over it.”
“You know when… Luhan was still in the dance troupe. He always looked at you like… A puppy or something…”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, no, really! It’s like when Jongin looks at Monggu sometimes…” Soojung adds. She isn’t helping his lost case at all. “But then at some point it changed… it became…”
She isn’t able to finish her sentence when she almost falls and stumbles on the pavement. Luckily enough, Sehun was able to catch her before her pretty face gets scarred from the rough road.
“Ahh, where is Jongin?” she says right after their fast recovery, they look behind their backs at the same time only to see Jongin hugging a lamppost.
“Jongin is no longer asexual. He’s into lampposts.” Soojung says in mild disgust before laughing. Sehun shouts for Jongin to hurry up and the three of them have their arms hunched over each other’s shoulders as they navigate their way to the main street. It isn’t long before they hail a cab and the ride back to their apartment building felt shorter than it was supposed to be.
They ended up going to a convenience store where Sehun bought the three of them bottles of water to hopefully bring them back to a sober enough state.
Except Jongin had other ideas.
“You’re gonna face Luhan.” Jongin tells Sehun as he puts three bottles of soju just when Sehun was about to pay. “Do you really want to be sober?”
Sehun could only nod as he pays for the drinks. Luhan, he thinks. They sat at the tables outside of the convenience store as Jongin and Soojung chug down the bottles of water with Sehun drinking his drunken state back with alcohol. Soon enough Sehun’s already being pushed inside the elevator compartment and he doesn’t remember when they left the convenience store.
When they reached Sehun’s floor, Soojung forces Jongin to hold the elevator doors open before wrapping her arms around Sehun and leaning her forehead. There is liquid on the verge of spilling at the bottom of her eyelids. She leans in closer to the point that her breathe is fanning his nose, it reeks of alcohol and all the wrong decisions she intends to make. “Maybe…”
“I know you kiss everyone but I assure you that you wouldn’t want to kiss me.” Sehun interrupts before her lips decide to move at its own whim and kiss him.
“I’ll kiss Jongin then.” she challenges.
“You’re drunk and brokenhearted.” Sehun says, closing his eyes as if he isn’t himself. Sehun hates it, how he can barely even hold himself up and yet no amount of alcohol infiltrating his system could make him forget that Luhan’s the only one that he wants. “Not a good combination.”
“So are you and…” she pauses, there’s a smirk lingering on her lips because she knows just how similar their situations are. “...you’re always hung up over Luhan.”
Sehun couldn’t say anything back so he keeps quiet.
“I can’t hold this elevator open forever, you know.” Jongin interrupts.
“Goodnight, Soojung.” Sehun says, kissing her forehead instead so she won’t feel too bad for being rejected despite the possibility of her not remembering anything in the morning. Sehun puts both of his hands on her shoulders to disentangle from her embrace and hands her to Jongin while making sure she doesn’t stumble on her feet and fall. “Take care of her, Jongin.”
The words Soojung had told him before echoes in his mind as he steps out of the compartment and each step seems to grow heavier as he approaches the door to his unit.
“You do stupid things when you’re in love. Even more stupid if you’re brokenhearted.”
He can’t help but think that she’s right.
For a moment, he sits down right in front of his door,
Luhan read his letter.
It was written years ago when he was young and so naive. He didn’t even read it twice and maybe that was his mistake because if he had, he wouldn’t even have thought of keeping the letter. He wouldn’t have to worry about Luhan finding out the truth when he didn’t intend to let him know.
At least, not anymore.
He stands up and puts one hand on the doorknob. He should press in his passcode any moment now but he can’t stop thinking about the thought of Luhan finally being aware of his feelings.
The past has a funny way of showing up. When Sehun wanted to let him read the letter, Luhan left before he could even have the chance read at least one sentence. And now that he’s more than certain that he’d rather not have Luhan know, the letter is in his hands with each word burning all of Sehun’s efforts to make sure they stay the way they are now.
And now he doesn’t know how to face Luhan.
There’s a possibility that Luhan hasn’t read it. But his name was literally written outside of the note and there’s no mistake that it was intended for him to read. He’s always been used to indirect rejections. But a direct one coming from Luhan? Sehun wouldn’t know how to handle that.
Maybe he should spare himself another day of not knowing. He can sleep over at Jongin’s and he won’t risk having to face Luhan. Yes, he should. He removes his hand from the doorknob and steps back.
But before Sehun can even start walking away, the door opens and it seemed as though Luhan was the one caught in the headlights with his wide-eyed gaze.
“Sehun!” Luhan exclaims, and Sehun didn’t know what came upon him when he wrapped his arms around Luhan. Minutes pass before everything turns black.
---
The night Kim Joonmyun broke up with Luhan was on a stormy night. Luhan didn’t turn up at his doorstep. Instead he called him up on his cellphone. Sehun was almost afraid to pick up the call for some reason. But when he did, he understood why.
When Sehun came to the neighborhood park, Luhan was shivering from the rain as he sits outside of the playhouse. Sehun was rushing himself too much that he forgot to bring anything else except an umbrella when he sees that Luhan was only clad in short-sleeved shirt. He drags the both of them inside the playhouse and without even thinking, Sehun strips himself off his sweater and jacket and puts it on Luhan. It doesn’t even matter that he’s left with nothing but his ratty sweatpants. That’s the least of his worries. Luhan gets cold easily, twenty-two degrees and he’s already hunched up underneath a blanket. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how cold he must’ve been for hours sitting under the rain.
“It hurts so bad. What do I do, Sehun-ah?” Luhan finally asked him with clattering teeth, after minutes of idle silence as Sehun tries his best to keep Luhan from shivering.
“I…” he trails off. What was he doing? He suddenly thought of his current situation, how he can’t even think properly when it comes to Luhan, he can’t even think of himself anymore.
What was he supposed to tell Luhan when he doesn’t even know to fix his own heart? Sehun doesn’t even know the answer himself. Sehun sighs.
“I don’t know.”
PART 2