breathing you in (suffocates me)
From: khrysallis1106
Title: breathing you in (suffocates me)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7,900
Prompt: la douleur exquise: the excruciating pain that comes from wanting someone you can’t have.
Warning/s:[Spoiler (click to open)]Major character death. Implied suicide. Mentions of rimming and 69 etc, bad p0rn
take me as i am, take my life
i would give it all
i would sacrifice
He remembers the time he had first met Luhan, almost like it had just happened yesterday.
Sehun had been nothing more than the tender age of ten when he was picked up from the streets, his clothes tattered and face smudged with enough dirt which needed several rounds of severe scrubbing to clean, and even then his skin had seared from how raw it had become. It had been a little more than a week - or a month, Sehun can't really be sure, can't really recall; the concept of time was, is still very hazy to him - since his home country had been invaded, caught up in a war it had unknowingly invited because of its land's vast riches. The scenes from the war still remain vividly imprinted in his mind, how soldiers had marched through his village and shot down any man or woman who was of age and was able to fight against them. It was a living nightmare of blood and gunpowder and deafening shrieks, one which Sehun had had to relive for months more down the line, screaming himself awake in the dead of the night when the soldiers usually struck - when they were at their weakest.
Sehun could very well have died without anyone knowing - he wanted to, considering the fact that he'd lost his parents and his home to the war. Living in fear was all that Sehun had ever known, and nothing else to sustain his life thereafter. His parents had been fiercely protective of him until the very end, even taking the bullets on his behalf by keeping him safe beneath both their weights. No one should have had to pay attention to a streetrat who was shivering to death in a deserted corner of an abandoned village, seated by the decaying bodies of his parents. They don't have the obligation to, especially not one who is borne of royal status.
But there's where Luhan comes into the picture, and it's what sets him apart from the rest.
Sehun remembers the leisurely gallop of the horses' hooves as they trotted down the almost-deserted streets of Sehun's village, and the creaking of the royal carriage's wheels as it gets drawn along. Sehun's village had been situated at the border between Luguo and Goryeo, and was the sole passageway between the two nations if they had wanted to reach either of their capitals. Naturally, the ruler of Luguo had to go through the dusty little settlement to get to Ganghwa. Sehun had been attracted by the noise, something new after he'd been surrounded by nothing but the tearful sobs of other children just like him, and had crawled his way towards the side of the street, wondering if it'll be the last sight he sees. He'd been extremely weak by then, body battered by hunger and thirst, and he'd thought that he couldn't possibly hold on much longer.
He could recall the vivid bark of stop!, not by an adult but by a young child who couldn't possibly be much older than Sehun himself, and the frantic yells of the other adults as they scrambled after him, saying Your Highness! You can't do that! You will sully your hands as the prince!
But Luhan hadn't listened to them. Instead, he came to a halting stop before Sehun, squatting on the ground and holding out a hand for Sehun to take. Sehun would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid; his trust in others had been so eroded by the war at that point of time, he believed Luhan was only being nice to him before he reeled Sehun in and stabbed him in the chest. Luhan, dressed in regal robes which fitted his slight frame perfectly, hadn't been bothered by the soot which covered Sehun from head to toe, nor was he deterred by the foul stench emanating from Sehun's body owing to the fact that he hadn't washed himself for days. Water was a luxury Sehun couldn't even dream of having, those days.
"Come on, let me help you up." Luhan had told Sehun, and it was with his gentle smile and kind intonation that Sehun even dared to look up at all. He was nothing short of encouraging, grabbing Sehun's hand and pulling him to stand when Sehun had remained frozen on the ground, much to his servants' chagrin because a prince should not touch a filthy peasant with his own hands!
"He is not a peasant. He is a boy, a human just like me." Luhan had retorted with such firm authority, his servants had fallen silent immediately.
When Sehun had been brought back to the palace, he was surprised to learn that Luhan's parents - the very people who had ordered for the annihilation of Goryeo - were more than accommodating towards him, and had ruled that Sehun is to be Luhan's private servant under Luhan's insistent request.
It's from that day that Sehun had found a new life, and it dictates the beginning of Sehun's never-ending devotion to the name of Luhan, making a silent vow to serve Luhan for as long as he lives.
--
Sehun outgrows Luhan in five years, something which Luhan isn't exactly happy about, but has learned to stop complaining about Sehun's ridiculous growth spurt several months down the line. He knows exactly why, though; up until then, Luhan has always found joy in patting Sehun on the head, treating Sehun like the little brother he never had. Sehun may be a servant by name, but his exquisite looks once they're done cleaning him up has saved him from the dungeons, and earned him a permanent place by Luhan's side.
The King has never said a word about Luhan's attachment to Sehun, though. Even though he isn't a part of the royal family, Sehun knows how difficult it is for Luhan to make friends in the palace. You can never be too trusting over a person who always throngs the palace, Luhan has told him before with a bittersweet smile on his face, words which have undoubtedly been planted in his mind by his parents. You'll never know if they'll betray you eventually.
But Sehun is different. Sehun was picked up from the streets, and was given a life of luxury which he might never even find if he had died during the war. For some reason, they had thought it safe for Sehun to stay in the palace by the Crown Prince's side, despite the possibility that Sehun might turn on them with thoughts of revenge on his mind. Perhaps they perceive Sehun as too young to harbour such murderous desires, but Sehun had always been taught by his parents to be grateful for the things he has, and it's the only thing that stops him from wandering past the thought of What If.
And pampered he is, considering how Luhan would never allow him to lift a finger to perform any menial tasks. Sehun remembers the way the other servants who are about his age looking at him with jealousy as they flitted about doing their jobs, all wanting to be in Sehun's place. Sehun's the only person in the palace who had earned himself the coveted role of being Luhan's only friend, after all.
Night after night, Sehun would spend his time sleeping in Luhan's bed, his own designated room left behind to be covered by dust. It's by Luhan's request, of course - but Sehun doesn't think he would want it any other way. Luhan is five years older than Sehun is, and he takes pride in playing elder brother to Sehun, reading him stories in bed to lull him to sleep whenever Sehun's plagued by the nightmares of the war.
Sehun doesn't ever want to admit it aloud, but Luhan's voice is addictive in its soothing way, and even when he's sixteen and deemed as an adult, Sehun still wants Luhan to read him stories in bed, because after years of immersing himself in the habit, Sehun has become unhealthily dependent on Luhan's voice to fall asleep at night.
--
No one knows this, but Sehun would spend his nights with his limbs tangled with Luhan's in bed. It's forbidden for a mere commoner like him to be in physical contact with the Crown Prince at all, but what others don't know won't hurt them. Sehun would always, always rise before the maids enter to rouse the prince from his sleep, and he'd be sitting primly in the far corner of the room, pretending as though he's been there all night long.
Sehun likes to savour the warmth from Luhan's body when they're pressed close and huddled together beneath the sheets, Luhan's cheek pressed against the top of Sehun's head as his chest rumbles whenever he speaks in that warm, rich voice of his. He likes it even better when Luhan's running his fingers through Sehun's hair, massaging his scalp when he senses the unrest in Sehun's being.
Sehun isn't educated - he will never be deigned fit to learn by virtue of his lowly status, a fact that Luhan can't even argue with the King over - but Luhan breaks the rule and teaches Sehun in the comforts of his room regardless. He would always patiently tell Sehun about the things he's learned from his tutor in the morning, taking extra care to explain the more complicated concepts to Sehun.
Sehun doesn't tell Luhan this, but he's never been able to pay attention to the details of the content Luhan's always telling him - not when he's more fascinated with the way Luhan seems to glow when he tells Sehun about the world, the way he gesticulates animatedly whenever he talks about something he's passionate over, like music and dance and history.
Still, he loves it when Luhan teaches him about the world. He is Sehun's world, even if he might not know it.
--
He first becomes acquainted with Envy when Luhan turns twenty two and Sehun finds himself deprived of Luhan's company for extended periods of time in a day.
It's to be expected, Sehun knows, when the King of Luguo grows older by the day and falls ill more often than they'd like to acknowledge. Training Luhan to take over as the ruler of the nation is imperative, which sees Luhan being whisked out of the palace at the break of dawn only to return when it's late into the night. Sehun wants to know of the things they're teaching Luhan, but it takes one look of Luhan's weary expressions for Sehun to abort that thought. The prince seems happier when he doesn't have to deal with the running of the nation, and Sehun can't bear to ruin his mood further.
He knows how tired Luhan must be, and contents himself in knowing that he can be the source of comfort Luhan needs at the end of a long, exhausting day. Sehun learns of this from the way Luhan would reel him in close the moment Sehun climbs into bed with him, his arms wrapping tightly around Sehun's slightly thinner frame. Now that Sehun towers over Luhan in terms of height, it's only easier for Sehun to tuck Luhan under his chin, pressing feather light kisses into Luhan's hair while he's fast asleep, thinking that the latter won't notice.
Being trained to fit into the mould of the nation's ruler also sees Luhan attending more parties than he would have liked, his parents forcing him to meet other nobles and royalties around the world in hopes that Luhan would find someone to call his spouse for the rest of his life. Luhan would be all smiles during such events, flitting from one crowd to another and offering polite introductions, making acquaintances faster than Sehun can follow.
Sehun doesn't know if it's a good thing that Luhan insists on bringing him along to these parties, though. It's fairly easy for Sehun to blend in when he's dressed to the nines in custom-made suits, drifting through the party crowd with Luhan by his side, especially with the elegant slope of Sehun's nose and polished features that make him appear more noble than servant and the graceful way Luhan has taught Sehun to carry himself in. But it doesn't necessarily mean that Sehun can stand the sight of Luhan chatting happily with a foreign princess or a noble's daughter, though, and his stomach churns hotly with jealousy as he stays silent by the side.
"You're so cold, Sehun," Luhan would tell him in a playful whisper when they move on to the next group, his bright smile ever so blinding, "the ladies are telling me that they're upset because you refuse to speak to them. Why don't you take flight for a night, and see what good it will bring to you?"
But you're colder, Luhan, Sehun would always think to himself, his expressions betraying none of his selfish thoughts, for you would always show your affections in private and then keep me at an arm's length away.
In the end, he says nothing, merely smiling thinly and Luhan and excusing himself for the rest of the evening. Luhan doesn't follow after him, the way he usually would.
Sehun is seventeen when he first learns what love is, and how painful it can get when the person your heart yearns for is so close yet so far.
--
Sehun doesn't tell Luhan this, either, but when he helps Luhan to dress lately, all he can think about is the overwhelming urge to run his hands down the smooth expanse of his back, up his chest.
It's never easy to rein himself in, especially when he knows that no one else is able to witness this sight. Ever since Sehun had been old enough to learn the basic skills a servant should possess, Luhan has never allowed anyone else but Sehun to set foot in his chambers to put his clothes together.
By now, Sehun has committed the contours of Luhan's shoulders to memory, and the way the gooseflesh would erupt on his skin whenever the tip Sehun's cold fingers would accidentally brush against him, the slope of his neck which never fails to tempt Sehun to want to run his lips across. Above all, Sehun can't seem to wipe from his mind the pebbled flesh around Luhan's nipples, or the way his cock would strain against the fabric of his undergarments whenever Sehun kneels before him to help him into his pants, making Sehun's lips dry and his throat parched, eager to have a taste of Luhan.
Sehun has never asked why he'd have such reactions whenever Sehun's around him, but he's selfish enough to want this - Luhan willingly shedding his clothes for Sehun and Sehun only, reacting without fail to Sehun's touches - for himself.
--
Jealousy continues to manifest itself as the days passed, making its presence known as a slow, gnawing burn in the pit of Sehun's stomach that makes him incredibly sick to the gut when he sees Luhan growing closer and closer to a princess from Cali called Miyoung. The King and Queen of Luguo seem to be very fond of her, enthralled by her smile and bubbly personality, and hence had arranged for Luhan to meet with her frequently, in hopes that a blossoming romance would come out of it at the end.
What's worse is the fact that Luhan seems to be receptive to his parents' wishes, agreeing to go on day-long excursions with the princess to show her around the country. Sehun probably would not have minded much if he were to be left behind in the castle, where he does not have to witness the interactions between Luhan and Princess Miyoung, but that's where Luhan's attachment to Sehun becomes a problem. The prince has never been seen without Sehun by his side ever since Sehun had been picked up from the streets, and it doesn't appear as though Luhan's ever going to grow out of it any time soon.
Try as Sehun may, he can't ever blend into the background whenever he's out and about with Luhan and Princess Miyoung. He's silent by nature, but Luhan always attempts to gain Sehun's feedback about everything he's telling Miyoung, quietly prompting Sehun to agree with his words.
Sehun's heart would always hurt whenever he sees the fondness in Luhan's eyes which are directed at him. He doesn't know if he's deluding himself into believing that Luhan feels something for him, or if Luhan's just sticking religiously to the role of an elder brother. Luhan has never clarified about the relationship between them, not even commenting about the lingering touches he's lavishing Sehun with in increasing frequency these days, and Sehun doesn't really have any reason to hope.
After all, even if Sehun is unlearnt, he knows that a peasant will never have a future with the future monarch of a nation, no matter that his wildest of dreams try to tell him otherwise.
--
"-fond of him." The chillingly sweet voice cuts into his daydream, and Sehun is jolted back to reality. He flushes red when he looks up and finds Princess Miyoung looking at him, realising that he had completely missed everything she had just said. Luhan had just excused himself to answer the call of nature, and Sehun, naturally, finds himself glancing at Luhan's retreating back until he's completely out of view.
"I apologise for my absentmindedness, Your Highness; I should have listened more attentively." He bows low in remorse, and Princess Miyoung laughs again. He still can't shake off the chill that runs down the length of his spine. It's deprecatory. Mocking. Almost as though she's telling him peasants should not pretend as though they're nobles by birth. If anyone else has noticed, they don't react. It's still the same poker faces around him, minding their own businesses, and Sehun suddenly feels so small despite his height.
Sehun ought to have learned that pining for someone he can never have in full view of others is not a good thing by now, but today is not that day. Mercifully, Princess Miyoung is kind enough - Sehun hates it, because he can never come to despise her completely for taking Luhan away from him - to repeat her words, something which won't ever happen, if it were someone else in her place. It's disrespect of the highest order, tantamount to treason, and Sehun thinks he's lucky enough to not already be dead in the hands of Princess Miyoung.
Or is he?
"I said-" she places enough emphasis on the last word that Sehun has to stand in attention and force himself to listen. He won't be that lucky this time, and Luhan won't be around to defend him. "-you seem to be really fond of Crown Prince Luhan."
His eyes watch as she raises a cup to her rouge-painted lips. Miyoung has everything he doesn't - brains, beauty, wealth, power. A woman. She's everything he's not. A terrible reminder that his fantasies will remain as that: fantasies. And, when he remembers that she's waiting for a response, he scrambles to answer, heart thumping painfully against his chest when he hears the implication behind her words.
She knows. She can see it.
But Sehun also knows that he has to deny it to the best of his abilities, even if his heart is inclined to agree. "His Highness has been nothing but kind to me; it is only natural for me to grow fond. But I will remain his servant and nothing else, Princess, so there isn't a need to worry."
"For your sake I hope you do. I do not take kindly to those who do not know of their place." She says succinctly. Sehun has the feeling Princess Miyoung intends to say more, but Luhan has chosen that particular moment to return to them. It's a little sickening, how she transforms from a vindictive woman to a completely docile one in the mere matter of seconds, but who is Sehun to say a thing about it?
After all, she's right. He's nothing but a peasant who doesn't know of his place, if only because he's been spoilt rotten by the Crown Prince all these years.
And it's a frightening thought, how willing Sehun is to relive this all over again.
--
"Is something the matter?" Luhan asks out of the blue, but Sehun has long since learned to not be startled by sudden noises.
It's the same scenario as the nights that precede this. Both Luhan and Sehun are cuddled up in bed with Sehun's arms around Luhan's waist. There's a book which lays open on Luhan's lap, and the words on it tumble out of his mouth like a steady stream of water, smoothly and without ripples. His slender fingers are combing through Sehun's hair which no longer know how it's like to feel coarse, nails occasionally scratching comfortably against scalp. Luhan is warm - so, so warm - that he's almost feverish, but the chill from Princess Miyoung's words still linger.
He's nothing but a servant, Sehun reminds himself. He doesn't deserve this. "No, Your Highness. Why do you think so?"
There must be a mistake somewhere in his words, for Luhan's disapproving gaze is trained upon him mere moments later. "And here you are, denying it. You never do call me Your Highness in private, Sehun."
Sehun rightfully winces at being called out, but he still refuses to admit what he truly feels inside. "You are reading too much into things, Luhan." He says quietly, the tips of his fingers digging into his own palms. Part of his heart yearns for Luhan to look deeper into his soul and see Sehun for who he is, and acknowledge his feelings at the same time. Another part of him wants to run and hide wherever he can, until his feelings for Luhan dies away completely.
"Am I?" Luhan echoes, closing the book before he's even done reading it for the first time since Sehun had come to live with him. Sehun's startled when Luhan tips his chin upwards with firm fingers on his jaw, and he finds that he can't look away even if he wants to. Luhan's gaze is magnetic. "You have not been smiling much around me these days."
"And why is that a problem?" Sehun asks despite himself, sounding petulant even to his own ears. He hates that he's so easily affected by everything Luhan.
It's then that Luhan's gaze turns more intense, and Sehun feels as though he's going to go up in flames. Luhan is only ever like this when he's passionate over something, but Sehun doesn't want to delude himself into thinking that he actually matters. "I have told you before, how beautiful a smile you possess, and you promised me then, that it will only be for me. Have you forgotten?"
Sehun swallows hard at the reminder. Of course he hasn't forgotten - how could he? He's never been good at smiling at others, even before the war. The only person who had successfully coaxed it out of Sehun is none other than Luhan, with a small trinket from a faraway country which Sehun had not been able to travel with him to. It isn't something of high monetary value, but the necklace still sits around his neck, as if it has always been a part of Sehun.
"I have not." Sehun whispers, unable to trust himself to speak any louder than this. It's as if someone has a tight grip around his heart, threatening to rip it right out of his chest if he even dares to move, and it frankly suffocates him. "But how can I smile, when you are happy with Prin-" He catches himself just before he says something he'd regret, and tries to look away.
Nevertheless, Luhan has already pushed Sehun onto the bed and is straddling his abdomen before he can do so, pinning Sehun's arms on either side of him and rendering him unable to move. Sehun blushes furiously when his mind unhelpfully supplements how he wants Luhan to go lower, the way he has always dreamt of Luhan doing. "You think I'm happy, when I have to keep Princess Miyoung company all the time?" He asks, and Sehun picks up on how Luhan has included her title instead of just Miyoung like he always calls her. Another pang of irrational anger bubbles up within Sehun when he remembers the shy giggles Princess Miyoung would always reply Luhan with, like she's completely endeared by Luhan.
The real question is, who isn't taken with Luhan?
Sehun sniffs. "You definitely look the part; who am I to say anything about it, though?"
"Sehun-" Luhan hisses, as if he's livid at him. Sehun finds that he doesn't understand Luhan all that well, after all. His reactions all come off as confusing. "There is no one else more important in my life than you. I can only be happy when I'm with Princess Miyoung because you are there with me. Do you not see it?"
Sehun's eyes grow wide. Those are words which he'd only ever hear in his dreams. It can't possibly be true. He can't be hearing them in person right now. "I-" He gulps, shaking his head in confusion. "I do not understand-"
"Oh Sehun. How long has it been since you have started living with me?"
Sehun's memories jog back to the day when Luhan had first extended his hand to him and hauled him up from the dirt, not caring if Sehun's filthy and of a lowly status. Eight years have gone by since then, but the smile on Luhan's face that's directed to Sehun has never changed - ever so bright, ever so warm, like the presence of the sun to the flowers in a garden. It's simply unimaginable, for Sehun to have stayed by Luhan's side for so long without having his position threatened by anyone else - not until recently, anyway - and Sehun swallows around the surge of emotions.
"Eight." He whispers, averting his eyes from Luhan. Luhan's gaze is burning into him, intense and determined, and Sehun feels utterly naked even though his robes are still drawn shut around him. "Eight years, Luhan."
"Yes, and have I ever shut you out of my life in that period of time?" Luhan asks again, leaning closer to Sehun. Sehun can only swallow hard and close his eyes, not wanting Luhan to see the emotions in them when he already feels so raw and open.
"No, but-"
Luhan cuts him off, sounding almost desperate and impatient, which is a rarity in itself. Luhan never loses his patience; not with Sehun around. "But what, Sehun? Have I ever allowed anyone to enter my chambers apart from you, and have you sleep in my bed night after night after night? Is that not enough proof of my devotion to you?"
Sehun squeezes his eyes shut at Luhan's words, hoping that all of this isn't just a cruel dream. "I see no reason for your devotion, when all of mine to you is all that's necessary. You are the Crown Prince; you don't have the need-"
"I want to, Sehun. I love you, and I do not ever want anyone else to come in between us." Luhan tells him, and Sehun's eyes are immediately wide open, his heart pounding hard against his chest at the words he's been waiting for so long to hear. "Is that so difficult for you to understand?"
"I just- I can't believe-" Sehun stutters, but the breath is stolen out of him when Luhan surges forth and seals their lips together.
It's a little awkward at first, with Sehun not knowing how to respond. He knows Luhan has more than enough experience in this, having walked in upon Luhan locking lips with another member of nobility all those years ago. It had been a one-off affair, the girl having been whisked away into marriage by a prince from another country, and Luhan was never seen with anyone else ever again. Luhan is infinitely patient as he guides Sehun along, tilting his head a little for better access, and Sehun willingly lets Luhan slip his tongue into his mouth when it prods at his lips.
Luhan tastes a lot more heavenly than Sehun had imagined, the hands which have sneaked up his robes driving him insane with every touch, and Sehun makes his appreciation known with a soft keen and by nudging up against Luhan's groin. He's already painfully hard just by kissing Luhan, his innate desires manifesting in the form of a feverish burn. Sehun's divested of his robes moments later, his fingers curling in Luhan's hair as the prince presses butterfly kisses down Sehun's bare torso. He finds that there's nothing else he can do but to work hard at remembering how to breathe, and he thinks he might actually die from happiness.
Sehun's heart threatens to leap out of his chest when Luhan finally pulls his cock out of his undergarment, and he nearly comes from the touch alone. It's something he's been fantasising over for a long while now, and getting them fulfilled in such a manner - Luhan's warmth enveloping him, his touches tracing every inch of Sehun's exposed skin - is more than anything Sehun could ever wish for.
He soon learns that Luhan has other things in store for him, when he reaches over to the night table and grabs a bottle of scented oil, coating his fingers liberally with them. Sehun doesn't get to ask what Luhan intends to do, though, his question trailing off into a strangled moan when Luhan seals his lips around Sehun's cock, while his index finger breaches Sehun's tight rim of muscles. He's torn between pain and pleasure, but the former slowly melts away into pure pleasure when he finally gets used to the intrusion. Luhan is almost merciless when Sehun starts rocking his hips downwards to meet Luhan's fingers, hollowing his cheeks around Sehun's length at the same time he adds another finger and crooks it in him. He practically wants to die from the sensory overload, and Luhan's hot, hot mouth stretching around him is everything Sehun has ever wanted.
It's when Luhan has three fingers deep in him, hitting Sehun's prostate over and over again that he comes without warning, spilling white down Luhan's throat. Contrary to expectations, though, Luhan doesn't pull away at once. Instead, he continues keeping a tight seal around Sehun's cock, sucking and swallowing and milking Sehun until he's dry.
"Luhan, please-" Sehun rasps when he finally comes down from his orgasm high, but he feels so incredibly empty, Luhan having pulled his fingers out of Sehun. Thankfully, Luhan knows what exactly Sehun wants, and he discards his own robes to the side, his erection left straining and curled against his stomach. It's a beautiful sight.
"Let me have all of you. Let me give you the happiness you deserve, what I've deprived you of for a long while now." Luhan whispers back as he leans forward to catch Sehun's lips in a deep kiss once again, stealing what's left of Sehun's breath. Sehun's throat goes dry at the taste of himself on Luhan's lips, his nails digging angry red crescents into the smooth expanse of Luhan's back when Luhan presses the head of his cock against Sehun's ass.
He doesn't trust himself nearly enough to speak, so all Sehun does is nod, mouth falling open in a silent gasp as Luhan pushes into him, filling him to the hilt.
I'm not going to hold back any longer, Luhan tells him when he starts to pound into Sehun, and Sehun can only afford to wrap his legs around Luhan to keep him deep, all forms of coherent thoughts thrown out of the window as he lets his world, his senses to be filled with Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.
--
It's a convenient arrangement, when Sehun gets to stay in Luhan's chambers for as long as the prince wants him there, and with the consummation of their relationship and the confirmation of their affections for each other, both Sehun and Luhan are eager to have all the time in the world to themselves.
Many a morning when Luhan would wake much earlier, Sehun would find himself stirring on the sheets to the sensation of a hand running up his bare thigh, before a finger finds its place buried deep in Sehun, curling and hitting that sweet spot within him. He'd be a complete mess within a mere matter of minutes, owing to the way Luhan seems to know Sehun's body much better than Sehun himself, and Luhan would invariably make him feel good, pulling out dirty moans and louder curses as he slowly pulls Sehun apart by the seams and put him back together again.
On certain days when Luhan feels like he wants to be pampered like the prince he is, Sehun would be the one kneeling between Luhan's thighs instead, learning of the ways to pleasure Luhan to the best of his abilities. He also learns that Luhan likes it best when Sehun's on all fours, his ass thrust high up in the air as Luhan licks his way in, before pounding Sehun hard into the pillow. And on days when Luhan wants to be gratified and to gratify at the same time, Sehun would find Luhan on top of him, mouth around Sehun's cock as he fucks himself into Sehun's mouth too.
He finds that he likes the days when they would languidly make love to each other the most, with Luhan hugging him from behind as he kisses a burning trail down the slope of Sehun's shoulder, his fingers wrapped snugly around Sehun's erection as Sehun fucks into the tight ring made by Luhan's fist.
It's on these days that Sehun can delude himself into believing that this is forever, that he'll have Luhan all to himself for as long as he lives.
He forgets that ultimately, Luhan will always be the prince, and he will be nothing more than a pauper playing pretend.
--
Sehun doesn't know why he's surprised that this is happening, when the news of Luhan's betrothal to Princess Miyoung reaches him. It's extremely obvious that the King and Queen both favour her heavily, when Princess Miyoung is good at stealing her way into hearts with her sweet smiles and even sweeter demeanour. And with the increasing frequency at which Luhan is being arranged to meet Princess Miyoung over the months since Sehun had gotten together with him, she happens to be the most obvious candidate for the role of the future Queen of Luguo.
Still, it doesn't stop Sehun from wanting to keep Luhan all to himself. Luhan seems to feel the same way, when he ushers Sehun into his chambers with him the moment his parents had dismissed him after breaking the news. Their kisses have never been more desperate than this, and Sehun finds the wind getting knocked out of his lungs when he's shoved against the wall the moment Luhan shuts the door behind them, Luhan's warm lips finding his immediately, pressing in impossibly close to Sehun, kissing him as though their time is running out.
Everything else happens so quickly that Sehun can't even begin to process it. He only knows of the feverish burn beneath his skin that's threatening to consume him whole, how his senses are all in overdrive from the way Luhan's making him feel, and by the time they lay spent in Luhan's bed, it must have been way past midnight. Sehun's body is terribly sore, but he's distracted from the pain by the way Luhan's fingers are stroking his arm gently, butterfly kisses dancing across the bruises Luhan had made on his pale skin.
Now that they're resting and there's nothing to stop his mind from wandering, though, Sehun inevitably ends up thinking about the amount of time they have left before Luhan's eventual marriage to Princess Miyoung. The King and Queen have already begun preparing for their only son's big day way before they had announced the news to Luhan himself, and the sand in the hourglass is running low; the wedding is to take place a week from now.
"Why did you not object to the marriage, Luhan?" Sehun asks the moment the thought forms in his head, and he can't stop it even if he wanted to. He knows he's ruining the cocoon of emotions they've wrapped themselves with in their post-orgasm bliss, but the question has been nagging at him ever since their hasty departure from the Grand Hall earlier that afternoon.
Luhan, who had been in the midst of caressing Sehun's skin, freezes mid-action at the question. "How can I possibly speak up against it, when both my parents wish for it?" He asks instead.
Sehun's heart downright sinks at the reply. "Why not?" He insists, knowing that his next words will probably rile Luhan up. Sehun is not fond of guilt-tripping others, but he needs to know where exactly he stands in Luhan's life. "Why is there a need to pause and consider, if you claim to love me as much as you do? Unless-"
"I cannot possibly defy my parents' wishes, Sehun. What sort of son would I be, if I did?" Luhan states calmly, but it doesn't soothe the inner turmoil Sehun's facing at all. If anything, his words actually shakes Sehun up even more.
But Sehun wants to be selfish. He wants to believe that Luhan wants to be selfish, too.
"So run away with me, then." He boldly suggests, and hears the sharp intake of breath coming from behind him. "Run away with me, and you won't have to face up to your parents. We will be happy-"
"I am the Crown Prince of Luguo, Sehun. The only prince." Luhan cuts him off, the silent rage brewing in his words and in the way he releases his hold on Sehun, putting a distance between their bodies. All of a sudden, Sehun feels so damned cold. "I have a duty to the nation, to my people, to the throne. What sort of monarch would I be, if I abandoned them for my own sake?"
"Then what about us?" Sehun bristles, turning around sharply to look at Luhan. He hates that Luhan is always so calm; at least a tiny crack in Luhan's façade would have made him feel better, but he can't find it. "What about everything you said you wanted to have with me?"
"We can still have them." Luhan tells him, hopeful. "Stay with me here, in Luguo, and we can still make all that we've been planning come true."
"At what cost?" Sehun asks. "Secret trysts? Of us having to hide from your wife in order to make love? Of me having to pretend I don't love you anymore because Princess Miyoung already knows? I can't possibly do that, Your Highness!"
He hates that his voice is choked up with his frustrations, but the way Luhan face turns a shade paler at his words is somewhat satisfying in a twisted sort of way.
Sehun lets out a self-deprecating laugh, though, when the silence becomes too protracted, only to be shattered when Luhan turns to lie on his other side, avoiding his gaze completely.
"I don't want to talk about this, Sehun," is all that Luhan tells him, before the wordless war brews yet again.
--
Sehun thinks he's too much of a masochist, sometimes.
Even if he knows there are many things left unsaid - because Luhan's adamant at avoiding the subject, even if he knows that the cold war between them hasn't been resolved; even if Sehun knows he should be angry at Luhan for being indecisive - Sehun still finds himself getting reeled in by the promise of lust and passion and the false promise of love, things which only Luhan can ever provide him with, instead of the happiness that Sehun wants.
Sehun loathes it even more, when he's always the one who initiates the love-making, seducing Luhan with his bare skin and impure actions, occasionally going down on Luhan when the prince is still fast asleep and letting the prince punish him for disturbing his rest. Luhan is like an addiction he can't cure himself of, a drug whose supply won't ever run out, and he keeps going back to Luhan, naked bodies tangled beneath the sheets as he takes and takes and takes all that Luhan has to give.
Sehun knows that his time with Luhan is running out, and on the eve of Luhan's marriage with Princess Miyoung, Sehun still finds himself crawling beneath Luhan's sheets, stripping the Crown Prince down to his bare skin before Sehun sinks himself down onto Luhan's erect cock. He lets Luhan fuck him over and over again until he's all raw and in pain, but still he continues to plough on until he's lying boneless on the bed, skin covered in drying layers of Luhan's cum.
Sehun averts his gaze when he sees the sadness admixed with tenderness in Luhan's eyes, not wanting to give in to his emotions. Somewhere along the way, Sehun has made up his mind, and he's not about to allow Luhan to talk him out of it. Not this time.
His heart clenches when Luhan caresses his cheek with the back of his fingers. "Stay with me, Sehun. I promise we will make this arrangement work." Luhan tells him quietly, still trying to convince Sehun that nothing will change after his marriage to Princess Miyoung.
They both know it's all a lie. Princess Miyoung would likely chase Sehun out of the castle if she ever discovers that Sehun has been sleeping with her husband - or worse, order for his execution with the King and Queen's backing. What Luhan and Sehun have between them - it's against the laws of nature, something that does not conform to the norms, and as such will incite an outrage if anyone ever finds out. And Sehun loves Luhan far too much, that he doesn't want Luhan to suffer through the disgusting words that might be sent flying from his own parents' mouths.
Instead of giving a definite answer to Luhan's request, though, Sehun wraps his arms around Luhan's waist and buries his face in Luhan's chest, savouring the warmth which had become an integral part of his dream-like life. "Sleep, Luhan. You have a big day coming up tomorrow."
He doesn't know which is worse, though - Luhan not saying anything else, or the fact that Luhan doesn't catch up to his intentions. Either way, Sehun commits everything he's been through with Luhan to memory, and lets the sandman pull him into a state of deep slumber.
--
He's gone before dawn even looms. Luhan doesn't even stir from his sleep when he presses a chaste kiss to his lips, not even when Sehun whispers goodbye.
--
The church bells toll in the distance, each ring striking Sehun hard in the chest as he stares out into the sea before him. It's a harsh reminder of a ceremony which is taking place in the palace, a life he had once knew up until an hour ago.
There's no doubt that plenty of fanfare is going on half a mile away, what with it being the wedding ceremony of the Crown Prince, but Sehun is in no mood to celebrate. How could he, when the only person he has come to know and love is the main character in that wedding?
He doesn't regret walking out of the one life he has ever known, though, only disappointed. Sehun remembers the times Luhan had proclaimed his love for Sehun, telling him that Sehun's the only one he'll ever need as they lie tangled between Luhan's sheets, Luhan's hot lips warming him up. He wonders now, if those words had nothing but lies to pacify Sehun and his ever greedy heart that wants Luhan to see him and only him.
Sehun now knows though, that the nation and its people will always take precedence over Sehun in Luhan's life, no matter what Luhan might tell him - and that includes marrying someone he doesn't even love, procreating with a person of the opposite gender which is something Luhan doesn't even want to do.
The brilliant blue skies turn bleary as the time draws near to two hours after dawn, and it's not until a single drop of moisture slides down his cheek that he realises he's crying. The tears are foreign to him now; he had shed them aplenty once, when he had been ten and had been hunched over the lifeless bodies of his parents, his siblings, but has never found the reason to cry ever since Luhan had given him a new life.
Of course, Sehun should have expected for the same person who'd taken away the reason for his tears to be the one who gives them back. He feels rather foolish, though, to have given all of himself to someone who won't even fight for his sake. Perhaps he should have heeded Princess Miyoung's words before he had gotten in far too deep. At the end of the day, he's a servant who still doesn't know of his place, and he's beginning to see it now, how excruciating it is to want someone he can never have.
The illusion has now been shattered, no matter how much Luhan used to dote over him. Sehun laughs self-deprecatingly as he dips one foot into the water, then the other. The smile on his face turns fond, however, when he imagines how regal Luhan would look as he waits by the end of the altar for his future Queen. Sehun wonders how Luhan would smile when Princess Miyoung slowly nears him, if he'll use the smile that's for everyone else, or if he would have a brand new smile that's reserved only for Princess Miyoung, much like the one Luhan has for Sehun and Sehun alone.
He wonders if Luhan would smile at all, when he can't find Sehun in bed or anywhere else in the palace when he wakes up.
It's indeed a shame he won't be there to witness the procession, but the large body of water that surrounds him next offers Sehun a sort of comfort he has never known before. Sehun is exhausted - so, so exhausted - that all he craves is complete silence, and it's with such thoughts that he closes his eyes, keeping his breathing shallow as he sinks and sinks and sinks.
At least he doesn't have to witness Luhan being by the side of another person who isn't him.
You can never be too trusting over a person who always throngs the palace.
At least he doesn't have to witness Luhan being by the side of another person.
You'll never know if they'll betray you eventually.
At least he doesn't have to.
At least.
--
You are so cold, Sehun.
But you are colder than I will ever be.
Note: Miyoung = SNSD’s Tiffany, if you’re wondering!
Title: breathing you in (suffocates me)
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7,900
Prompt: la douleur exquise: the excruciating pain that comes from wanting someone you can’t have.
Warning/s:[Spoiler (click to open)]Major character death. Implied suicide. Mentions of rimming and 69 etc, bad p0rn
take me as i am, take my life
i would give it all
i would sacrifice
He remembers the time he had first met Luhan, almost like it had just happened yesterday.
Sehun had been nothing more than the tender age of ten when he was picked up from the streets, his clothes tattered and face smudged with enough dirt which needed several rounds of severe scrubbing to clean, and even then his skin had seared from how raw it had become. It had been a little more than a week - or a month, Sehun can't really be sure, can't really recall; the concept of time was, is still very hazy to him - since his home country had been invaded, caught up in a war it had unknowingly invited because of its land's vast riches. The scenes from the war still remain vividly imprinted in his mind, how soldiers had marched through his village and shot down any man or woman who was of age and was able to fight against them. It was a living nightmare of blood and gunpowder and deafening shrieks, one which Sehun had had to relive for months more down the line, screaming himself awake in the dead of the night when the soldiers usually struck - when they were at their weakest.
Sehun could very well have died without anyone knowing - he wanted to, considering the fact that he'd lost his parents and his home to the war. Living in fear was all that Sehun had ever known, and nothing else to sustain his life thereafter. His parents had been fiercely protective of him until the very end, even taking the bullets on his behalf by keeping him safe beneath both their weights. No one should have had to pay attention to a streetrat who was shivering to death in a deserted corner of an abandoned village, seated by the decaying bodies of his parents. They don't have the obligation to, especially not one who is borne of royal status.
But there's where Luhan comes into the picture, and it's what sets him apart from the rest.
Sehun remembers the leisurely gallop of the horses' hooves as they trotted down the almost-deserted streets of Sehun's village, and the creaking of the royal carriage's wheels as it gets drawn along. Sehun's village had been situated at the border between Luguo and Goryeo, and was the sole passageway between the two nations if they had wanted to reach either of their capitals. Naturally, the ruler of Luguo had to go through the dusty little settlement to get to Ganghwa. Sehun had been attracted by the noise, something new after he'd been surrounded by nothing but the tearful sobs of other children just like him, and had crawled his way towards the side of the street, wondering if it'll be the last sight he sees. He'd been extremely weak by then, body battered by hunger and thirst, and he'd thought that he couldn't possibly hold on much longer.
He could recall the vivid bark of stop!, not by an adult but by a young child who couldn't possibly be much older than Sehun himself, and the frantic yells of the other adults as they scrambled after him, saying Your Highness! You can't do that! You will sully your hands as the prince!
But Luhan hadn't listened to them. Instead, he came to a halting stop before Sehun, squatting on the ground and holding out a hand for Sehun to take. Sehun would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid; his trust in others had been so eroded by the war at that point of time, he believed Luhan was only being nice to him before he reeled Sehun in and stabbed him in the chest. Luhan, dressed in regal robes which fitted his slight frame perfectly, hadn't been bothered by the soot which covered Sehun from head to toe, nor was he deterred by the foul stench emanating from Sehun's body owing to the fact that he hadn't washed himself for days. Water was a luxury Sehun couldn't even dream of having, those days.
"Come on, let me help you up." Luhan had told Sehun, and it was with his gentle smile and kind intonation that Sehun even dared to look up at all. He was nothing short of encouraging, grabbing Sehun's hand and pulling him to stand when Sehun had remained frozen on the ground, much to his servants' chagrin because a prince should not touch a filthy peasant with his own hands!
"He is not a peasant. He is a boy, a human just like me." Luhan had retorted with such firm authority, his servants had fallen silent immediately.
When Sehun had been brought back to the palace, he was surprised to learn that Luhan's parents - the very people who had ordered for the annihilation of Goryeo - were more than accommodating towards him, and had ruled that Sehun is to be Luhan's private servant under Luhan's insistent request.
It's from that day that Sehun had found a new life, and it dictates the beginning of Sehun's never-ending devotion to the name of Luhan, making a silent vow to serve Luhan for as long as he lives.
--
Sehun outgrows Luhan in five years, something which Luhan isn't exactly happy about, but has learned to stop complaining about Sehun's ridiculous growth spurt several months down the line. He knows exactly why, though; up until then, Luhan has always found joy in patting Sehun on the head, treating Sehun like the little brother he never had. Sehun may be a servant by name, but his exquisite looks once they're done cleaning him up has saved him from the dungeons, and earned him a permanent place by Luhan's side.
The King has never said a word about Luhan's attachment to Sehun, though. Even though he isn't a part of the royal family, Sehun knows how difficult it is for Luhan to make friends in the palace. You can never be too trusting over a person who always throngs the palace, Luhan has told him before with a bittersweet smile on his face, words which have undoubtedly been planted in his mind by his parents. You'll never know if they'll betray you eventually.
But Sehun is different. Sehun was picked up from the streets, and was given a life of luxury which he might never even find if he had died during the war. For some reason, they had thought it safe for Sehun to stay in the palace by the Crown Prince's side, despite the possibility that Sehun might turn on them with thoughts of revenge on his mind. Perhaps they perceive Sehun as too young to harbour such murderous desires, but Sehun had always been taught by his parents to be grateful for the things he has, and it's the only thing that stops him from wandering past the thought of What If.
And pampered he is, considering how Luhan would never allow him to lift a finger to perform any menial tasks. Sehun remembers the way the other servants who are about his age looking at him with jealousy as they flitted about doing their jobs, all wanting to be in Sehun's place. Sehun's the only person in the palace who had earned himself the coveted role of being Luhan's only friend, after all.
Night after night, Sehun would spend his time sleeping in Luhan's bed, his own designated room left behind to be covered by dust. It's by Luhan's request, of course - but Sehun doesn't think he would want it any other way. Luhan is five years older than Sehun is, and he takes pride in playing elder brother to Sehun, reading him stories in bed to lull him to sleep whenever Sehun's plagued by the nightmares of the war.
Sehun doesn't ever want to admit it aloud, but Luhan's voice is addictive in its soothing way, and even when he's sixteen and deemed as an adult, Sehun still wants Luhan to read him stories in bed, because after years of immersing himself in the habit, Sehun has become unhealthily dependent on Luhan's voice to fall asleep at night.
--
No one knows this, but Sehun would spend his nights with his limbs tangled with Luhan's in bed. It's forbidden for a mere commoner like him to be in physical contact with the Crown Prince at all, but what others don't know won't hurt them. Sehun would always, always rise before the maids enter to rouse the prince from his sleep, and he'd be sitting primly in the far corner of the room, pretending as though he's been there all night long.
Sehun likes to savour the warmth from Luhan's body when they're pressed close and huddled together beneath the sheets, Luhan's cheek pressed against the top of Sehun's head as his chest rumbles whenever he speaks in that warm, rich voice of his. He likes it even better when Luhan's running his fingers through Sehun's hair, massaging his scalp when he senses the unrest in Sehun's being.
Sehun isn't educated - he will never be deigned fit to learn by virtue of his lowly status, a fact that Luhan can't even argue with the King over - but Luhan breaks the rule and teaches Sehun in the comforts of his room regardless. He would always patiently tell Sehun about the things he's learned from his tutor in the morning, taking extra care to explain the more complicated concepts to Sehun.
Sehun doesn't tell Luhan this, but he's never been able to pay attention to the details of the content Luhan's always telling him - not when he's more fascinated with the way Luhan seems to glow when he tells Sehun about the world, the way he gesticulates animatedly whenever he talks about something he's passionate over, like music and dance and history.
Still, he loves it when Luhan teaches him about the world. He is Sehun's world, even if he might not know it.
--
He first becomes acquainted with Envy when Luhan turns twenty two and Sehun finds himself deprived of Luhan's company for extended periods of time in a day.
It's to be expected, Sehun knows, when the King of Luguo grows older by the day and falls ill more often than they'd like to acknowledge. Training Luhan to take over as the ruler of the nation is imperative, which sees Luhan being whisked out of the palace at the break of dawn only to return when it's late into the night. Sehun wants to know of the things they're teaching Luhan, but it takes one look of Luhan's weary expressions for Sehun to abort that thought. The prince seems happier when he doesn't have to deal with the running of the nation, and Sehun can't bear to ruin his mood further.
He knows how tired Luhan must be, and contents himself in knowing that he can be the source of comfort Luhan needs at the end of a long, exhausting day. Sehun learns of this from the way Luhan would reel him in close the moment Sehun climbs into bed with him, his arms wrapping tightly around Sehun's slightly thinner frame. Now that Sehun towers over Luhan in terms of height, it's only easier for Sehun to tuck Luhan under his chin, pressing feather light kisses into Luhan's hair while he's fast asleep, thinking that the latter won't notice.
Being trained to fit into the mould of the nation's ruler also sees Luhan attending more parties than he would have liked, his parents forcing him to meet other nobles and royalties around the world in hopes that Luhan would find someone to call his spouse for the rest of his life. Luhan would be all smiles during such events, flitting from one crowd to another and offering polite introductions, making acquaintances faster than Sehun can follow.
Sehun doesn't know if it's a good thing that Luhan insists on bringing him along to these parties, though. It's fairly easy for Sehun to blend in when he's dressed to the nines in custom-made suits, drifting through the party crowd with Luhan by his side, especially with the elegant slope of Sehun's nose and polished features that make him appear more noble than servant and the graceful way Luhan has taught Sehun to carry himself in. But it doesn't necessarily mean that Sehun can stand the sight of Luhan chatting happily with a foreign princess or a noble's daughter, though, and his stomach churns hotly with jealousy as he stays silent by the side.
"You're so cold, Sehun," Luhan would tell him in a playful whisper when they move on to the next group, his bright smile ever so blinding, "the ladies are telling me that they're upset because you refuse to speak to them. Why don't you take flight for a night, and see what good it will bring to you?"
But you're colder, Luhan, Sehun would always think to himself, his expressions betraying none of his selfish thoughts, for you would always show your affections in private and then keep me at an arm's length away.
In the end, he says nothing, merely smiling thinly and Luhan and excusing himself for the rest of the evening. Luhan doesn't follow after him, the way he usually would.
Sehun is seventeen when he first learns what love is, and how painful it can get when the person your heart yearns for is so close yet so far.
--
Sehun doesn't tell Luhan this, either, but when he helps Luhan to dress lately, all he can think about is the overwhelming urge to run his hands down the smooth expanse of his back, up his chest.
It's never easy to rein himself in, especially when he knows that no one else is able to witness this sight. Ever since Sehun had been old enough to learn the basic skills a servant should possess, Luhan has never allowed anyone else but Sehun to set foot in his chambers to put his clothes together.
By now, Sehun has committed the contours of Luhan's shoulders to memory, and the way the gooseflesh would erupt on his skin whenever the tip Sehun's cold fingers would accidentally brush against him, the slope of his neck which never fails to tempt Sehun to want to run his lips across. Above all, Sehun can't seem to wipe from his mind the pebbled flesh around Luhan's nipples, or the way his cock would strain against the fabric of his undergarments whenever Sehun kneels before him to help him into his pants, making Sehun's lips dry and his throat parched, eager to have a taste of Luhan.
Sehun has never asked why he'd have such reactions whenever Sehun's around him, but he's selfish enough to want this - Luhan willingly shedding his clothes for Sehun and Sehun only, reacting without fail to Sehun's touches - for himself.
--
Jealousy continues to manifest itself as the days passed, making its presence known as a slow, gnawing burn in the pit of Sehun's stomach that makes him incredibly sick to the gut when he sees Luhan growing closer and closer to a princess from Cali called Miyoung. The King and Queen of Luguo seem to be very fond of her, enthralled by her smile and bubbly personality, and hence had arranged for Luhan to meet with her frequently, in hopes that a blossoming romance would come out of it at the end.
What's worse is the fact that Luhan seems to be receptive to his parents' wishes, agreeing to go on day-long excursions with the princess to show her around the country. Sehun probably would not have minded much if he were to be left behind in the castle, where he does not have to witness the interactions between Luhan and Princess Miyoung, but that's where Luhan's attachment to Sehun becomes a problem. The prince has never been seen without Sehun by his side ever since Sehun had been picked up from the streets, and it doesn't appear as though Luhan's ever going to grow out of it any time soon.
Try as Sehun may, he can't ever blend into the background whenever he's out and about with Luhan and Princess Miyoung. He's silent by nature, but Luhan always attempts to gain Sehun's feedback about everything he's telling Miyoung, quietly prompting Sehun to agree with his words.
Sehun's heart would always hurt whenever he sees the fondness in Luhan's eyes which are directed at him. He doesn't know if he's deluding himself into believing that Luhan feels something for him, or if Luhan's just sticking religiously to the role of an elder brother. Luhan has never clarified about the relationship between them, not even commenting about the lingering touches he's lavishing Sehun with in increasing frequency these days, and Sehun doesn't really have any reason to hope.
After all, even if Sehun is unlearnt, he knows that a peasant will never have a future with the future monarch of a nation, no matter that his wildest of dreams try to tell him otherwise.
--
"-fond of him." The chillingly sweet voice cuts into his daydream, and Sehun is jolted back to reality. He flushes red when he looks up and finds Princess Miyoung looking at him, realising that he had completely missed everything she had just said. Luhan had just excused himself to answer the call of nature, and Sehun, naturally, finds himself glancing at Luhan's retreating back until he's completely out of view.
"I apologise for my absentmindedness, Your Highness; I should have listened more attentively." He bows low in remorse, and Princess Miyoung laughs again. He still can't shake off the chill that runs down the length of his spine. It's deprecatory. Mocking. Almost as though she's telling him peasants should not pretend as though they're nobles by birth. If anyone else has noticed, they don't react. It's still the same poker faces around him, minding their own businesses, and Sehun suddenly feels so small despite his height.
Sehun ought to have learned that pining for someone he can never have in full view of others is not a good thing by now, but today is not that day. Mercifully, Princess Miyoung is kind enough - Sehun hates it, because he can never come to despise her completely for taking Luhan away from him - to repeat her words, something which won't ever happen, if it were someone else in her place. It's disrespect of the highest order, tantamount to treason, and Sehun thinks he's lucky enough to not already be dead in the hands of Princess Miyoung.
Or is he?
"I said-" she places enough emphasis on the last word that Sehun has to stand in attention and force himself to listen. He won't be that lucky this time, and Luhan won't be around to defend him. "-you seem to be really fond of Crown Prince Luhan."
His eyes watch as she raises a cup to her rouge-painted lips. Miyoung has everything he doesn't - brains, beauty, wealth, power. A woman. She's everything he's not. A terrible reminder that his fantasies will remain as that: fantasies. And, when he remembers that she's waiting for a response, he scrambles to answer, heart thumping painfully against his chest when he hears the implication behind her words.
She knows. She can see it.
But Sehun also knows that he has to deny it to the best of his abilities, even if his heart is inclined to agree. "His Highness has been nothing but kind to me; it is only natural for me to grow fond. But I will remain his servant and nothing else, Princess, so there isn't a need to worry."
"For your sake I hope you do. I do not take kindly to those who do not know of their place." She says succinctly. Sehun has the feeling Princess Miyoung intends to say more, but Luhan has chosen that particular moment to return to them. It's a little sickening, how she transforms from a vindictive woman to a completely docile one in the mere matter of seconds, but who is Sehun to say a thing about it?
After all, she's right. He's nothing but a peasant who doesn't know of his place, if only because he's been spoilt rotten by the Crown Prince all these years.
And it's a frightening thought, how willing Sehun is to relive this all over again.
--
"Is something the matter?" Luhan asks out of the blue, but Sehun has long since learned to not be startled by sudden noises.
It's the same scenario as the nights that precede this. Both Luhan and Sehun are cuddled up in bed with Sehun's arms around Luhan's waist. There's a book which lays open on Luhan's lap, and the words on it tumble out of his mouth like a steady stream of water, smoothly and without ripples. His slender fingers are combing through Sehun's hair which no longer know how it's like to feel coarse, nails occasionally scratching comfortably against scalp. Luhan is warm - so, so warm - that he's almost feverish, but the chill from Princess Miyoung's words still linger.
He's nothing but a servant, Sehun reminds himself. He doesn't deserve this. "No, Your Highness. Why do you think so?"
There must be a mistake somewhere in his words, for Luhan's disapproving gaze is trained upon him mere moments later. "And here you are, denying it. You never do call me Your Highness in private, Sehun."
Sehun rightfully winces at being called out, but he still refuses to admit what he truly feels inside. "You are reading too much into things, Luhan." He says quietly, the tips of his fingers digging into his own palms. Part of his heart yearns for Luhan to look deeper into his soul and see Sehun for who he is, and acknowledge his feelings at the same time. Another part of him wants to run and hide wherever he can, until his feelings for Luhan dies away completely.
"Am I?" Luhan echoes, closing the book before he's even done reading it for the first time since Sehun had come to live with him. Sehun's startled when Luhan tips his chin upwards with firm fingers on his jaw, and he finds that he can't look away even if he wants to. Luhan's gaze is magnetic. "You have not been smiling much around me these days."
"And why is that a problem?" Sehun asks despite himself, sounding petulant even to his own ears. He hates that he's so easily affected by everything Luhan.
It's then that Luhan's gaze turns more intense, and Sehun feels as though he's going to go up in flames. Luhan is only ever like this when he's passionate over something, but Sehun doesn't want to delude himself into thinking that he actually matters. "I have told you before, how beautiful a smile you possess, and you promised me then, that it will only be for me. Have you forgotten?"
Sehun swallows hard at the reminder. Of course he hasn't forgotten - how could he? He's never been good at smiling at others, even before the war. The only person who had successfully coaxed it out of Sehun is none other than Luhan, with a small trinket from a faraway country which Sehun had not been able to travel with him to. It isn't something of high monetary value, but the necklace still sits around his neck, as if it has always been a part of Sehun.
"I have not." Sehun whispers, unable to trust himself to speak any louder than this. It's as if someone has a tight grip around his heart, threatening to rip it right out of his chest if he even dares to move, and it frankly suffocates him. "But how can I smile, when you are happy with Prin-" He catches himself just before he says something he'd regret, and tries to look away.
Nevertheless, Luhan has already pushed Sehun onto the bed and is straddling his abdomen before he can do so, pinning Sehun's arms on either side of him and rendering him unable to move. Sehun blushes furiously when his mind unhelpfully supplements how he wants Luhan to go lower, the way he has always dreamt of Luhan doing. "You think I'm happy, when I have to keep Princess Miyoung company all the time?" He asks, and Sehun picks up on how Luhan has included her title instead of just Miyoung like he always calls her. Another pang of irrational anger bubbles up within Sehun when he remembers the shy giggles Princess Miyoung would always reply Luhan with, like she's completely endeared by Luhan.
The real question is, who isn't taken with Luhan?
Sehun sniffs. "You definitely look the part; who am I to say anything about it, though?"
"Sehun-" Luhan hisses, as if he's livid at him. Sehun finds that he doesn't understand Luhan all that well, after all. His reactions all come off as confusing. "There is no one else more important in my life than you. I can only be happy when I'm with Princess Miyoung because you are there with me. Do you not see it?"
Sehun's eyes grow wide. Those are words which he'd only ever hear in his dreams. It can't possibly be true. He can't be hearing them in person right now. "I-" He gulps, shaking his head in confusion. "I do not understand-"
"Oh Sehun. How long has it been since you have started living with me?"
Sehun's memories jog back to the day when Luhan had first extended his hand to him and hauled him up from the dirt, not caring if Sehun's filthy and of a lowly status. Eight years have gone by since then, but the smile on Luhan's face that's directed to Sehun has never changed - ever so bright, ever so warm, like the presence of the sun to the flowers in a garden. It's simply unimaginable, for Sehun to have stayed by Luhan's side for so long without having his position threatened by anyone else - not until recently, anyway - and Sehun swallows around the surge of emotions.
"Eight." He whispers, averting his eyes from Luhan. Luhan's gaze is burning into him, intense and determined, and Sehun feels utterly naked even though his robes are still drawn shut around him. "Eight years, Luhan."
"Yes, and have I ever shut you out of my life in that period of time?" Luhan asks again, leaning closer to Sehun. Sehun can only swallow hard and close his eyes, not wanting Luhan to see the emotions in them when he already feels so raw and open.
"No, but-"
Luhan cuts him off, sounding almost desperate and impatient, which is a rarity in itself. Luhan never loses his patience; not with Sehun around. "But what, Sehun? Have I ever allowed anyone to enter my chambers apart from you, and have you sleep in my bed night after night after night? Is that not enough proof of my devotion to you?"
Sehun squeezes his eyes shut at Luhan's words, hoping that all of this isn't just a cruel dream. "I see no reason for your devotion, when all of mine to you is all that's necessary. You are the Crown Prince; you don't have the need-"
"I want to, Sehun. I love you, and I do not ever want anyone else to come in between us." Luhan tells him, and Sehun's eyes are immediately wide open, his heart pounding hard against his chest at the words he's been waiting for so long to hear. "Is that so difficult for you to understand?"
"I just- I can't believe-" Sehun stutters, but the breath is stolen out of him when Luhan surges forth and seals their lips together.
It's a little awkward at first, with Sehun not knowing how to respond. He knows Luhan has more than enough experience in this, having walked in upon Luhan locking lips with another member of nobility all those years ago. It had been a one-off affair, the girl having been whisked away into marriage by a prince from another country, and Luhan was never seen with anyone else ever again. Luhan is infinitely patient as he guides Sehun along, tilting his head a little for better access, and Sehun willingly lets Luhan slip his tongue into his mouth when it prods at his lips.
Luhan tastes a lot more heavenly than Sehun had imagined, the hands which have sneaked up his robes driving him insane with every touch, and Sehun makes his appreciation known with a soft keen and by nudging up against Luhan's groin. He's already painfully hard just by kissing Luhan, his innate desires manifesting in the form of a feverish burn. Sehun's divested of his robes moments later, his fingers curling in Luhan's hair as the prince presses butterfly kisses down Sehun's bare torso. He finds that there's nothing else he can do but to work hard at remembering how to breathe, and he thinks he might actually die from happiness.
Sehun's heart threatens to leap out of his chest when Luhan finally pulls his cock out of his undergarment, and he nearly comes from the touch alone. It's something he's been fantasising over for a long while now, and getting them fulfilled in such a manner - Luhan's warmth enveloping him, his touches tracing every inch of Sehun's exposed skin - is more than anything Sehun could ever wish for.
He soon learns that Luhan has other things in store for him, when he reaches over to the night table and grabs a bottle of scented oil, coating his fingers liberally with them. Sehun doesn't get to ask what Luhan intends to do, though, his question trailing off into a strangled moan when Luhan seals his lips around Sehun's cock, while his index finger breaches Sehun's tight rim of muscles. He's torn between pain and pleasure, but the former slowly melts away into pure pleasure when he finally gets used to the intrusion. Luhan is almost merciless when Sehun starts rocking his hips downwards to meet Luhan's fingers, hollowing his cheeks around Sehun's length at the same time he adds another finger and crooks it in him. He practically wants to die from the sensory overload, and Luhan's hot, hot mouth stretching around him is everything Sehun has ever wanted.
It's when Luhan has three fingers deep in him, hitting Sehun's prostate over and over again that he comes without warning, spilling white down Luhan's throat. Contrary to expectations, though, Luhan doesn't pull away at once. Instead, he continues keeping a tight seal around Sehun's cock, sucking and swallowing and milking Sehun until he's dry.
"Luhan, please-" Sehun rasps when he finally comes down from his orgasm high, but he feels so incredibly empty, Luhan having pulled his fingers out of Sehun. Thankfully, Luhan knows what exactly Sehun wants, and he discards his own robes to the side, his erection left straining and curled against his stomach. It's a beautiful sight.
"Let me have all of you. Let me give you the happiness you deserve, what I've deprived you of for a long while now." Luhan whispers back as he leans forward to catch Sehun's lips in a deep kiss once again, stealing what's left of Sehun's breath. Sehun's throat goes dry at the taste of himself on Luhan's lips, his nails digging angry red crescents into the smooth expanse of Luhan's back when Luhan presses the head of his cock against Sehun's ass.
He doesn't trust himself nearly enough to speak, so all Sehun does is nod, mouth falling open in a silent gasp as Luhan pushes into him, filling him to the hilt.
I'm not going to hold back any longer, Luhan tells him when he starts to pound into Sehun, and Sehun can only afford to wrap his legs around Luhan to keep him deep, all forms of coherent thoughts thrown out of the window as he lets his world, his senses to be filled with Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.
--
It's a convenient arrangement, when Sehun gets to stay in Luhan's chambers for as long as the prince wants him there, and with the consummation of their relationship and the confirmation of their affections for each other, both Sehun and Luhan are eager to have all the time in the world to themselves.
Many a morning when Luhan would wake much earlier, Sehun would find himself stirring on the sheets to the sensation of a hand running up his bare thigh, before a finger finds its place buried deep in Sehun, curling and hitting that sweet spot within him. He'd be a complete mess within a mere matter of minutes, owing to the way Luhan seems to know Sehun's body much better than Sehun himself, and Luhan would invariably make him feel good, pulling out dirty moans and louder curses as he slowly pulls Sehun apart by the seams and put him back together again.
On certain days when Luhan feels like he wants to be pampered like the prince he is, Sehun would be the one kneeling between Luhan's thighs instead, learning of the ways to pleasure Luhan to the best of his abilities. He also learns that Luhan likes it best when Sehun's on all fours, his ass thrust high up in the air as Luhan licks his way in, before pounding Sehun hard into the pillow. And on days when Luhan wants to be gratified and to gratify at the same time, Sehun would find Luhan on top of him, mouth around Sehun's cock as he fucks himself into Sehun's mouth too.
He finds that he likes the days when they would languidly make love to each other the most, with Luhan hugging him from behind as he kisses a burning trail down the slope of Sehun's shoulder, his fingers wrapped snugly around Sehun's erection as Sehun fucks into the tight ring made by Luhan's fist.
It's on these days that Sehun can delude himself into believing that this is forever, that he'll have Luhan all to himself for as long as he lives.
He forgets that ultimately, Luhan will always be the prince, and he will be nothing more than a pauper playing pretend.
--
Sehun doesn't know why he's surprised that this is happening, when the news of Luhan's betrothal to Princess Miyoung reaches him. It's extremely obvious that the King and Queen both favour her heavily, when Princess Miyoung is good at stealing her way into hearts with her sweet smiles and even sweeter demeanour. And with the increasing frequency at which Luhan is being arranged to meet Princess Miyoung over the months since Sehun had gotten together with him, she happens to be the most obvious candidate for the role of the future Queen of Luguo.
Still, it doesn't stop Sehun from wanting to keep Luhan all to himself. Luhan seems to feel the same way, when he ushers Sehun into his chambers with him the moment his parents had dismissed him after breaking the news. Their kisses have never been more desperate than this, and Sehun finds the wind getting knocked out of his lungs when he's shoved against the wall the moment Luhan shuts the door behind them, Luhan's warm lips finding his immediately, pressing in impossibly close to Sehun, kissing him as though their time is running out.
Everything else happens so quickly that Sehun can't even begin to process it. He only knows of the feverish burn beneath his skin that's threatening to consume him whole, how his senses are all in overdrive from the way Luhan's making him feel, and by the time they lay spent in Luhan's bed, it must have been way past midnight. Sehun's body is terribly sore, but he's distracted from the pain by the way Luhan's fingers are stroking his arm gently, butterfly kisses dancing across the bruises Luhan had made on his pale skin.
Now that they're resting and there's nothing to stop his mind from wandering, though, Sehun inevitably ends up thinking about the amount of time they have left before Luhan's eventual marriage to Princess Miyoung. The King and Queen have already begun preparing for their only son's big day way before they had announced the news to Luhan himself, and the sand in the hourglass is running low; the wedding is to take place a week from now.
"Why did you not object to the marriage, Luhan?" Sehun asks the moment the thought forms in his head, and he can't stop it even if he wanted to. He knows he's ruining the cocoon of emotions they've wrapped themselves with in their post-orgasm bliss, but the question has been nagging at him ever since their hasty departure from the Grand Hall earlier that afternoon.
Luhan, who had been in the midst of caressing Sehun's skin, freezes mid-action at the question. "How can I possibly speak up against it, when both my parents wish for it?" He asks instead.
Sehun's heart downright sinks at the reply. "Why not?" He insists, knowing that his next words will probably rile Luhan up. Sehun is not fond of guilt-tripping others, but he needs to know where exactly he stands in Luhan's life. "Why is there a need to pause and consider, if you claim to love me as much as you do? Unless-"
"I cannot possibly defy my parents' wishes, Sehun. What sort of son would I be, if I did?" Luhan states calmly, but it doesn't soothe the inner turmoil Sehun's facing at all. If anything, his words actually shakes Sehun up even more.
But Sehun wants to be selfish. He wants to believe that Luhan wants to be selfish, too.
"So run away with me, then." He boldly suggests, and hears the sharp intake of breath coming from behind him. "Run away with me, and you won't have to face up to your parents. We will be happy-"
"I am the Crown Prince of Luguo, Sehun. The only prince." Luhan cuts him off, the silent rage brewing in his words and in the way he releases his hold on Sehun, putting a distance between their bodies. All of a sudden, Sehun feels so damned cold. "I have a duty to the nation, to my people, to the throne. What sort of monarch would I be, if I abandoned them for my own sake?"
"Then what about us?" Sehun bristles, turning around sharply to look at Luhan. He hates that Luhan is always so calm; at least a tiny crack in Luhan's façade would have made him feel better, but he can't find it. "What about everything you said you wanted to have with me?"
"We can still have them." Luhan tells him, hopeful. "Stay with me here, in Luguo, and we can still make all that we've been planning come true."
"At what cost?" Sehun asks. "Secret trysts? Of us having to hide from your wife in order to make love? Of me having to pretend I don't love you anymore because Princess Miyoung already knows? I can't possibly do that, Your Highness!"
He hates that his voice is choked up with his frustrations, but the way Luhan face turns a shade paler at his words is somewhat satisfying in a twisted sort of way.
Sehun lets out a self-deprecating laugh, though, when the silence becomes too protracted, only to be shattered when Luhan turns to lie on his other side, avoiding his gaze completely.
"I don't want to talk about this, Sehun," is all that Luhan tells him, before the wordless war brews yet again.
--
Sehun thinks he's too much of a masochist, sometimes.
Even if he knows there are many things left unsaid - because Luhan's adamant at avoiding the subject, even if he knows that the cold war between them hasn't been resolved; even if Sehun knows he should be angry at Luhan for being indecisive - Sehun still finds himself getting reeled in by the promise of lust and passion and the false promise of love, things which only Luhan can ever provide him with, instead of the happiness that Sehun wants.
Sehun loathes it even more, when he's always the one who initiates the love-making, seducing Luhan with his bare skin and impure actions, occasionally going down on Luhan when the prince is still fast asleep and letting the prince punish him for disturbing his rest. Luhan is like an addiction he can't cure himself of, a drug whose supply won't ever run out, and he keeps going back to Luhan, naked bodies tangled beneath the sheets as he takes and takes and takes all that Luhan has to give.
Sehun knows that his time with Luhan is running out, and on the eve of Luhan's marriage with Princess Miyoung, Sehun still finds himself crawling beneath Luhan's sheets, stripping the Crown Prince down to his bare skin before Sehun sinks himself down onto Luhan's erect cock. He lets Luhan fuck him over and over again until he's all raw and in pain, but still he continues to plough on until he's lying boneless on the bed, skin covered in drying layers of Luhan's cum.
Sehun averts his gaze when he sees the sadness admixed with tenderness in Luhan's eyes, not wanting to give in to his emotions. Somewhere along the way, Sehun has made up his mind, and he's not about to allow Luhan to talk him out of it. Not this time.
His heart clenches when Luhan caresses his cheek with the back of his fingers. "Stay with me, Sehun. I promise we will make this arrangement work." Luhan tells him quietly, still trying to convince Sehun that nothing will change after his marriage to Princess Miyoung.
They both know it's all a lie. Princess Miyoung would likely chase Sehun out of the castle if she ever discovers that Sehun has been sleeping with her husband - or worse, order for his execution with the King and Queen's backing. What Luhan and Sehun have between them - it's against the laws of nature, something that does not conform to the norms, and as such will incite an outrage if anyone ever finds out. And Sehun loves Luhan far too much, that he doesn't want Luhan to suffer through the disgusting words that might be sent flying from his own parents' mouths.
Instead of giving a definite answer to Luhan's request, though, Sehun wraps his arms around Luhan's waist and buries his face in Luhan's chest, savouring the warmth which had become an integral part of his dream-like life. "Sleep, Luhan. You have a big day coming up tomorrow."
He doesn't know which is worse, though - Luhan not saying anything else, or the fact that Luhan doesn't catch up to his intentions. Either way, Sehun commits everything he's been through with Luhan to memory, and lets the sandman pull him into a state of deep slumber.
--
He's gone before dawn even looms. Luhan doesn't even stir from his sleep when he presses a chaste kiss to his lips, not even when Sehun whispers goodbye.
--
The church bells toll in the distance, each ring striking Sehun hard in the chest as he stares out into the sea before him. It's a harsh reminder of a ceremony which is taking place in the palace, a life he had once knew up until an hour ago.
There's no doubt that plenty of fanfare is going on half a mile away, what with it being the wedding ceremony of the Crown Prince, but Sehun is in no mood to celebrate. How could he, when the only person he has come to know and love is the main character in that wedding?
He doesn't regret walking out of the one life he has ever known, though, only disappointed. Sehun remembers the times Luhan had proclaimed his love for Sehun, telling him that Sehun's the only one he'll ever need as they lie tangled between Luhan's sheets, Luhan's hot lips warming him up. He wonders now, if those words had nothing but lies to pacify Sehun and his ever greedy heart that wants Luhan to see him and only him.
Sehun now knows though, that the nation and its people will always take precedence over Sehun in Luhan's life, no matter what Luhan might tell him - and that includes marrying someone he doesn't even love, procreating with a person of the opposite gender which is something Luhan doesn't even want to do.
The brilliant blue skies turn bleary as the time draws near to two hours after dawn, and it's not until a single drop of moisture slides down his cheek that he realises he's crying. The tears are foreign to him now; he had shed them aplenty once, when he had been ten and had been hunched over the lifeless bodies of his parents, his siblings, but has never found the reason to cry ever since Luhan had given him a new life.
Of course, Sehun should have expected for the same person who'd taken away the reason for his tears to be the one who gives them back. He feels rather foolish, though, to have given all of himself to someone who won't even fight for his sake. Perhaps he should have heeded Princess Miyoung's words before he had gotten in far too deep. At the end of the day, he's a servant who still doesn't know of his place, and he's beginning to see it now, how excruciating it is to want someone he can never have.
The illusion has now been shattered, no matter how much Luhan used to dote over him. Sehun laughs self-deprecatingly as he dips one foot into the water, then the other. The smile on his face turns fond, however, when he imagines how regal Luhan would look as he waits by the end of the altar for his future Queen. Sehun wonders how Luhan would smile when Princess Miyoung slowly nears him, if he'll use the smile that's for everyone else, or if he would have a brand new smile that's reserved only for Princess Miyoung, much like the one Luhan has for Sehun and Sehun alone.
He wonders if Luhan would smile at all, when he can't find Sehun in bed or anywhere else in the palace when he wakes up.
It's indeed a shame he won't be there to witness the procession, but the large body of water that surrounds him next offers Sehun a sort of comfort he has never known before. Sehun is exhausted - so, so exhausted - that all he craves is complete silence, and it's with such thoughts that he closes his eyes, keeping his breathing shallow as he sinks and sinks and sinks.
At least he doesn't have to witness Luhan being by the side of another person who isn't him.
You can never be too trusting over a person who always throngs the palace.
At least he doesn't have to witness Luhan being by the side of another person.
You'll never know if they'll betray you eventually.
At least he doesn't have to.
At least.
--
You are so cold, Sehun.
But you are colder than I will ever be.
Note: Miyoung = SNSD’s Tiffany, if you’re wondering!