*sings* Hi, I'm your editor for this week! Your text is italicized or in double quotation marks; my suggestions are in single quotation marks. (A bit confusing around apostrophes, though; just ask if there's weirdness going on there.)
General comments *Consider centring your scene breaks for purely aesthetic reasons (i.e. I'm picky): just use <*center> and (remove the asterisks
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Re: Editor!, part 2silverflight8October 17 2010, 21:34:48 UTC
*clears throat*
More detailed nitpicky comments
the two men returned to trying to do just that. -Consider revising "to trying to do just that". The double "to...to..." just sounds strange, especially when coupled with the "just".
"Mr. Collin, the shot doesn't start until the sun is up!" Rachael cried -How can she tell if she's in the safe-room? Is there something that allows sound to travel back in, like the reverse-PA system or something?
I asked as I began to leave, dawn was coming and I wasn't going to be anyone's slave. -?
Gently arms wrapped around my waist and a cheek pressed against my back. -Consider replacing "gently" with 'gentle' so that it's like the second part of the sentence (ADJ NOUN VERB...NOUN VERB).
AHHHH he's still stuck! He should've pulled the trigger earlier! AAAHH!
to hit my back.-This brings to mind images of someone pounding their fists on someone's back, not of sunshine
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Very intriguing! I enjoyed it. I think the drug should take an hour to take effect instead of dawn. Dawn is too... magical, and not pharmaceutical enough. This was great to read!
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Your text is italicized or in double quotation marks; my suggestions are in single quotation marks. (A bit confusing around apostrophes, though; just ask if there's weirdness going on there.)
General comments
*Consider centring your scene breaks for purely aesthetic reasons (i.e. I'm picky): just use <*center> and (remove the asterisks ( ... )
Reply
More detailed nitpicky comments
the two men returned to trying to do just that.
-Consider revising "to trying to do just that". The double "to...to..." just sounds strange, especially when coupled with the "just".
"Mr. Collin, the shot doesn't start until the sun is up!" Rachael cried
-How can she tell if she's in the safe-room? Is there something that allows sound to travel back in, like the reverse-PA system or something?
I asked as I began to leave, dawn was coming and I wasn't going to be anyone's slave.
-?
Gently arms wrapped around my waist and a cheek pressed against my back.
-Consider replacing "gently" with 'gentle' so that it's like the second part of the sentence (ADJ NOUN VERB...NOUN VERB).
AHHHH he's still stuck! He should've pulled the trigger earlier! AAAHH!
to hit my back.-This brings to mind images of someone pounding their fists on someone's back, not of sunshine ( ... )
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Reply
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