Re: Editor!, part 2silverflight8October 17 2010, 21:34:48 UTC
*clears throat*
More detailed nitpicky comments
the two men returned to trying to do just that. -Consider revising "to trying to do just that". The double "to...to..." just sounds strange, especially when coupled with the "just".
"Mr. Collin, the shot doesn't start until the sun is up!" Rachael cried -How can she tell if she's in the safe-room? Is there something that allows sound to travel back in, like the reverse-PA system or something?
I asked as I began to leave, dawn was coming and I wasn't going to be anyone's slave. -?
Gently arms wrapped around my waist and a cheek pressed against my back. -Consider replacing "gently" with 'gentle' so that it's like the second part of the sentence (ADJ NOUN VERB...NOUN VERB).
AHHHH he's still stuck! He should've pulled the trigger earlier! AAAHH!
to hit my back. -This brings to mind images of someone pounding their fists on someone's back, not of sunshine...
That's a wonderfully horrifying ending. I liked it a lot. I think your piece would be much much stronger with better punctuation, though, like thorarosebird mentioned; in particular, the comma/comma splice and run on sentences are a problem. Nice entry, though! Good luck in the polls.
More detailed nitpicky comments
the two men returned to trying to do just that.
-Consider revising "to trying to do just that". The double "to...to..." just sounds strange, especially when coupled with the "just".
"Mr. Collin, the shot doesn't start until the sun is up!" Rachael cried
-How can she tell if she's in the safe-room? Is there something that allows sound to travel back in, like the reverse-PA system or something?
I asked as I began to leave, dawn was coming and I wasn't going to be anyone's slave.
-?
Gently arms wrapped around my waist and a cheek pressed against my back.
-Consider replacing "gently" with 'gentle' so that it's like the second part of the sentence (ADJ NOUN VERB...NOUN VERB).
AHHHH he's still stuck! He should've pulled the trigger earlier! AAAHH!
to hit my back.
-This brings to mind images of someone pounding their fists on someone's back, not of sunshine...
That's a wonderfully horrifying ending. I liked it a lot. I think your piece would be much much stronger with better punctuation, though, like thorarosebird mentioned; in particular, the comma/comma splice and run on sentences are a problem. Nice entry, though! Good luck in the polls.
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