Editing part 1kayden_eidyakNovember 14 2009, 14:56:29 UTC
Hi! Editor checking in. This was a really fascinating piece! The possibility of such an occurrence is quite frightening! I liked the narrator. I really felt like I was looking into his head at a passing thought. Very well done!
The story does drag in the middle, though. I think there is far too much information spread out over too much space. It could be much better relayed to the reader if some of the unnecessary parts were cut out. Also, there's a lot of statistical numbers that slow the reader down. We're reading a person's thoughts, not a research paper. I don't think your numbers need to be quite so accurate. For example, saying three-quarters of the babies born were males is easier to read and understand than saying 75% were males and 25% were female. And it looks better. Anyway, portions I'm referring to are in red, and my comments on them in green(hopefully) :)
“Thank you, Rauwph,” he said, his English was horrible, but it was okay, I had begun learning Japanese as soon as the Relocation project had begun. The placement of
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Editing part 2kayden_eidyakNovember 14 2009, 14:57:11 UTC
The Chinese census believed it was a fluke until the fathers of the children were tested and showed that the sperm cells were dividing the X and Ys,as (period) the nutrients that should have gone to the X sperm were going to the Y carrying sperm. This was happening in 80% of Chinese males. (This sentence is just sort of tacked on there. If you put the statistic at the middle of the previous sentence, I think it would go better: "....showed that the sperm cells in 80% of Chinese males were dividing...")
Instead(comma) they made nice with their mainland Asia neighbors.
The sightings of Chinese men leading away the missing girls became more and more popular and with ten years of children where half the population couldn’t find a mate (I'm not sure what this means. Does it mean ten year's worth of children born couldn't find a mate?) , the rest of the world began to take notice.
The reports began to come from Korea….(hypen) both Koreas(hypen) and that got the attention of Japan
( ... )
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The story does drag in the middle, though. I think there is far too much information spread out over too much space. It could be much better relayed to the reader if some of the unnecessary parts were cut out. Also, there's a lot of statistical numbers that slow the reader down. We're reading a person's thoughts, not a research paper. I don't think your numbers need to be quite so accurate. For example, saying three-quarters of the babies born were males is easier to read and understand than saying 75% were males and 25% were female. And it looks better. Anyway, portions I'm referring to are in red, and my comments on them in green(hopefully) :)
“Thank you, Rauwph,” he said, his English was horrible, but it was okay, I had begun learning Japanese as soon as the Relocation project had begun. The placement of ( ... )
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Instead(comma) they made nice with their mainland Asia neighbors.
The sightings of Chinese men leading away the missing girls became more and more popular and with ten years of children where half the population couldn’t find a mate (I'm not sure what this means. Does it mean ten year's worth of children born couldn't find a mate?) , the rest of the world began to take notice.
The reports began to come from Korea….(hypen) both Koreas(hypen) and that got the attention of Japan ( ... )
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