[Orig] Vergessene Wahrheit (psf5)

[selene_umi]

Title: Vergessene Wahrheit
Note: First of the Truth Trilogy // Written for PSF5 (hopefully)
Word Count: 7174
A/N: This one took me roughly a week. No planning, no plotting, no outlining, no nothing. Only a chart of the characters age from VW to SS, not to mention the laying out of the entire Syndrome universe's timeline

Comments

[ekmisao]

The primary concern for me is this: I could not get a handle on any of the characters and any of the concept words. You have to explain them all a little better. Also, the dialogue still tends to ramble somewhat.

This is one reason KHR refuses to die, despite all the insanity it currently has. Amano is clear with her concepts, no matter how zany. If they are not clear enough, Reborn will go on a spiel and explain. The characters could be distinguished by their speech patterns and their actions. In short, I got a handle on them.

Finally, you have to solidly place the events in your story. The mafia where exactly and what time period? I don't get enough clues from the things you dropped, and got confused.

Shuffle some of the events, so we get action in the start. Also, zero-in on one major event, I think, and expand on it, instead of having all these small events.

Sorry for all the comments. I have similar problems (as you would see in that post I did in my own LJ), you are not alone.

[leronze]

Hmm.. I actually think her sequencing of events wasn't so bad..

[ekmisao]

Depressed writer is depressed, so it's probably just this writer's problem, really sorry. ^^;;

[leronze]

Ah, no, s'okay.. her sequencing can be improved, but I think it's adequate for what she was going for with this..

Aw, depressed writer! D:

*hands Fluff Cookies*

[leronze]

Well, asides for some minor things ('in' one's face, not 'at') you've really improved quite a bit! Some.. questions:

Wtf is Jeral? Simoni or Niebelheim? And.. what do covens mean in this context? What about SIEG?!?! ...and wtf Telegram so pouty XD

Is.. Jonathan related to Shuda?

“She’s quite young,” was the first thing he told himself on the moment his eyes landed on a young girl, dressed like most seven year old girls by their mothers, with the most striking hair he had ever seen: pale gray, almost silver, but not too straight it seemed artificial. She looks very much like his father, who’s obviously very much proud of his daughter.

Then the other arrived, complete with golden blonde hair and bright green eyes, who Jeral later realized will be the bane of his existence, and soon, Binder’s as well.

I went on an inner-fangirl-adventure not to do with your characters. sorry.

[selene_umi]

This is an original! D: Stop relating them to Rave or FT~!

lol. Fangirly, isn't.

[leronze]

I know it is, I drew your freaky telegram!! But.. the NAMES xDDD

(btw, your ads are being insane again)

[selene_umi]

LOL I'M SO CREATIVE, IKR.

/SHOT

(I know. the perks of plus account. :/)