[Orig] Vergessene Wahrheit (psf5)

[selene_umi]

Title: Vergessene Wahrheit
Note: First of the Truth Trilogy // Written for PSF5 (hopefully)
Word Count: 7174
A/N: This one took me roughly a week. No planning, no plotting, no outlining, no nothing. Only a chart of the characters age from VW to SS, not to mention the laying out of the entire Syndrome universe's timeline

Comments

[ekmisao]

The primary concern for me is this: I could not get a handle on any of the characters and any of the concept words. You have to explain them all a little better. Also, the dialogue still tends to ramble somewhat.

This is one reason KHR refuses to die, despite all the insanity it currently has. Amano is clear with her concepts, no matter how zany. If they are not clear enough, Reborn will go on a spiel and explain. The characters could be distinguished by their speech patterns and their actions. In short, I got a handle on them.

Finally, you have to solidly place the events in your story. The mafia where exactly and what time period? I don't get enough clues from the things you dropped, and got confused.

Shuffle some of the events, so we get action in the start. Also, zero-in on one major event, I think, and expand on it, instead of having all these small events.

Sorry for all the comments. I have similar problems (as you would see in that post I did in my own LJ), you are not alone.

[leronze]

Hmm.. I actually think her sequencing of events wasn't so bad..

[ekmisao]

Depressed writer is depressed, so it's probably just this writer's problem, really sorry. ^^;;

[leronze]

Ah, no, s'okay.. her sequencing can be improved, but I think it's adequate for what she was going for with this..

Aw, depressed writer! D:

*hands Fluff Cookies*

[selene_umi]

Explaining concepts is actually one of my big weaknesses. And uhm, about the dialogue--is it too choppy that's why they seem rambling?

I sort of had in mind that the time period isn't really all that important, since it's in a world of its own... which I don't think I had stated in the story itself... ohcrap. Will have to fix this. ><; (and lol, this has nothing to do with the Mafia ^^;)

There's actually action at the very start, but I ended up removing it and made the second scene into the first one. Now my problem is, all these small events are actually supposed to make up the major event, only it didn't look like it because I have to cut it short for the sake of the word limit orz. That's why they sort of look, well, divided and have huge gaps in-between.

Any ideas? More comments/crits? I need alot of it, because I'm stepping on unfamiliar grounds here. orz I hate it that all creative juices dried up without warning once it's editing time.