Time To Rest: Chapter One
Rating: PGish now. Maybe going up later
A/N: Follows "Beneath You" and going mostly AU after that. Oh, it will stick with the basic theme of Season 7, but more focused on what Joss started in the chapel scene and then just left hanging. Darn you, Joss!
Posting this part for now. A second part later in the day, and I'll do my best to get more chapters up on free-for-all day.
Many thanks to blondebitz for the super banner!
Buffy watched Spike hang on the cross, smoke lazily rising from his still form. She didn't know what to think. Spike with a soul. Spike actually going out to do something to get his soul back. She couldn't even imagine what that would be. That it was even possible. Somehow she was pretty sure this was no Gypsy curse.
Spike didn't move, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was burning. He was muttering something, but she couldn't make out the words.
She started to turn, but his words echoed in her memory. Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest? No, even with everything he'd done, she couldn't leave him like that.
"Spike." Her voice sounded hollow in the silent chapel.
He continued to mutter.
"Spike," she said, louder this time.
Still no reaction from the vampire.
She sighed. How to get through to him? She tried again. "Spike, it's time to rest."
Slowly, Spike lifted himself off the cross. He turned, and Buffy gasped at the red, raw burns on his face, chest and stomach. He said nothing, just stood and waited, eyes cast down.
She stepped forward and lightly touched his shoulder. She winced when he flinched back at her touch. But she made herself continue. "Come on. Let's go."
"Go where?" She could barely hear him.
"Home. To rest."
"Okay." No inflection in his voice. Slowly, he started to walk to the chapel entrance.
Buffy started to follow but thought of something. "Wait."
Spike stopped moving.
Buffy scrambled through the felled pews and found Spike's shirt. She caught up with him and handed it over. "Here. You might want this."
He nodded and started to put it on. As soon as the cloth touched his burns, he cried out and stopped, clearly not certain what to do next.
Buffy sighed. This was going to be harder than she'd thought. "Never mind, Spike." She tried to keep her voice low and soothing. "It's okay. We'll carry it for now. You'll want it when your chest is better."
He nodded. She wasn't sure he'd understood her, but he removed the shirt and started walking again. Buffy felt her throat catch as she watched him move hesitantly, with none of his usual grace and swagger.
Uncomfortably, she realized the experience of getting his soul back had broken him. Would he recover? She couldn't say, but she hoped so. If Spike was right, something bad was coming. Very bad. And Spike was the only one who could hold his own in a fight the way she could. If it was bad, she'd need him. Sane.
Her stomach turned at the thought of using Spike like that. But she was the Slayer. She was the one who needed to think like that. It's better than how you used him before, a small voice inside her head commented.
She sighed. Yes, it was better, she guessed. But it was still using him, and that couldn't be right. No matter how justified. Could it?
As soon as they left the chapel, Spike turned in the direction of the school. "No, Spike. Not there. This way." She started for her house. After a few steps, she realized he wasn't following her. He stood between a couple of gravestones, looking lost. She wasn't sure his eyes were tracking anything that was really there.
"Come on, Spike."
"Where are we going?" His voice was pitched in the higher tone Buffy was learning to recognize as "Spike's not all here now." Who would have thought she'd miss Spike's deeper baritone?
"We're going home, Spike."
He shook his head violently. "No. Can't go there. Must go back to the school. Must check the passes. Someone might be there who doesn't belong."
Buffy sighed. He had always tried her patience mightily. Insane Spike took this to a new level. Uncomfortably, she was starting to think she bore some responsibility for him being like this. "It's okay. I'll make up a bed for you in the basement."
He shook his head again. "No. Can't sleep in your bed. Don't belong there. Don't deserve it."
She recoiled. "No! Not my bed. A bed in the basement. Safe from the sun." And safe for her from whatever a nutty Spike might do, but she didn't add that out loud.
Shaking his head sadly, Spike turned again toward the school. "No. Can't be in your house."
Exasperated, she moved toward him, remembering at the last minute not to touch him. "Why not? You came by earlier. It didn't bother you then."
He looked at her, almost meeting her gaze. His voice deepened and steadied. "It was easier then because people hated me. It's easier to be where I'm hated. Safer."
Buffy didn't even want to work out that logic. But she realized he was right about one thing. She didn't hate him anymore.
"See," he said, his voice sad. "I'm right, aren't I?"
She sighed. "Yes, you are. I don't hate you." She brightened as a thought occurred to her. "But, Dawn's there. And you said yourself she's become really scary."
His eyes were still sad, but he shrugged. "I don't have the energy to fight you, Buffy. Take me home, if that's what you want."
Heart heavy, Buffy led him to her house.
***
"Dawn," she yelled as she opened the door. Spike winced and covered his ears, but she didn't take the time to soothe him. She wasn't sure how Dawn was going to react to having the vampire living with them.
The teenager bounded down the stairs and skidded to a stop when she saw Spike, who was trying to hide behind the Slayer. From the way Dawn's eyes grew wide, Buffy knew her sister had seen the burns.
"What happened?" Concern laced her voice. But it was quickly replaced by coldness. "What's he doing here now?"
"Dawn, I don't have time to explain, but get the first aid kit while I make up the camp bed in the basement."
Suspicion crept into her eyes. "Camp bed? Who's that for?"
Buffy sighed. Why wouldn't anyone just listen? "It's for Spike. I'll explain as soon as I get him settled."
She looked like she was going to demand more explanations, but then she huffed and ran up the stairs.
"Get some sheets and a blanket too while you're up there!"
"Okay!" Dawn yelled back.
Buffy turned to the vampire. "Come with me. I'll get you settled, and then I guess I'll have to tell Dawn something."
Spike didn't say anything. He just followed her downstairs. Buffy found herself almost missing his snarky comments.
He waited quietly while she wrestled the camp bed in shape. She would have asked him for help with the air mattress when the pump stopped working, but having a soul didn't make him breathe. Oh, he managed to gasp, inhale and the like for emphasis, but she still didn't think he had much lung capacity.
By the time the bed was ready, Dawn came clattering down the stairs, arms full of sheets and first aid stuff. "Sorry it took me so long. No way we had enough burn cream, so I went hunting for the bottle of aloe sunburn gel." Triumphantly, she held up the nearly full bottle.
Buffy smiled. "Good thinking." She turned to the vampire. "Spike? Can you sit down so I can treat your burns?"
He eyed the bed with an almost fearful expression, but he sat down. Buffy and Dawn liberally slathered him with cream on the worst of the burns and used the aloe gel on everything else. There was a lot of skin, and it must have hurt, but he bore it silently.
This was not Spike. Spike was snarky. Spike was obnoxious. Spike was annoying. Spike was not quiet. Not ever. Even Dawn seemed to sense the mood because she refrained from her usual chatter.
When they finished, Buffy said, "Ok. I think that'll hold you until morning."
He still didn't say anything. Nor would he meet her eyes.
She patted the camp bed. "Lie down. Get some sleep. It'll be better in the morning."
He curled up on the bed, hugging his legs and arms up close to his body, almost in a fetal position. Buffy wished she could do something to ease his obvious pain, but she just didn't know enough yet. Re-souled vampires were so rare. The only other one she knew of was... Ah, of course. She needed to call Angel. He might know something that would help.
"Come on, Dawn. Let Spike sleep."
Dawn nodded, and Buffy started for the stairs. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed her sister lean down and plant a quick kiss on Spike's cheek. She wasn't certain, but she thought she saw the ghost of a smile cross the vampire's face.
Then Dawn bounded past her with excessive teenage energy. Buffy sighed and followed her up the stairs.
***
Behind them, Spike slowly got off the bed and crouched in the corner. He just couldn't do it. Not sleeping in her bed. Never that.
***
As soon as the Summers sisters got upstairs, Dawn demanded to know what had happened. "How'd he get those awful burns?"
Buffy sighed. She really wanted to call Angel and get some answers, but she owed her sister something. As much as she knew, anyway. "He lay on the cross in the chapel. You know, the one near his crypt."
Dawn blinked. "He lay on a cross? Why would he do that? And why is he so...weird...all of a sudden?"
Nothing for it but to just say it straight out. "Spike has a soul."
"How?" Her tone was quiet, almost reverent.
"I'm not sure." She shrugged. "You probably noticed he's not exactly coherent at the moment."
"Was it like Angel? A Gypsy curse?"
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think so." She struggled to remember what he'd said. Why does a man do what he mustn't. For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev-- "I think he did something to get it back."
"I didn't know that could even be done."
"Neither did I, Dawn. Neither did I."
"What do we do now?"
Buffy sighed again. "First I call Angel. I need to find out what we can do to make Spike...sane...again." She stood up and started to pace. She wasn't aware of her voice rising in volume. "Something's coming. Something bad. Very bad."
"And you need him because he's tough." Dawn's voice was resigned. Buffy almost winced at the unspoken accusation. Once again, you need him but won't give him what he wants. "He loves you, Buffy. Why can't you love him back?"
She didn't want to get angry at her sister. Really she didn't. "I don't know, all right!" The words burst from her with more vehemence than she had intended. "I'm the Slayer. I'm supposed to kill them. Not love them."
Dawn stood her ground. "No, it's not all right. Yeah, you're the Slayer. So what. Not like you've never loved one before." She turned to go but then paused, speaking while half turned away. "Go call Angel then. Maybe he can make you see sense." She snorted. "'Cause it's like he's always been here for you. Not like someone else." And with that she flounced up the stairs.
Buffy stood there, stunned. God she hated it when her sister was right. Finally, she went to the kitchen to make the call.
***
Spike couldn't help overhearing. They both had been talking rather loudly. He cowered in his corner. Some random tool was poking him, and it hurt. Pain was good. He deserved it. Pain to equal what he had caused Buffy.
He pressed himself harder against the wall. Maybe he could lean so hard that it would swallow him up. Take him away from this place. And the voices.
Spike sighed. No, the wall wouldn't take him away. He wasn't finished yet. Buffy could never love him. She only needed him for his strength. And even if it killed him
(death would be good now)
he couldn't stop himself from helping her.
He put his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voices in his head. And those outside. All of them hurt. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? The pain of the spark wouldn't be so bad if he were alone.
***
Buffy dialed Angel's number with hesitation. She needed information, but she didn't want to explain why she needed it. Not that she much choice.
Fred answered the phone. "Angel Investigations. We help the helpless."
Buffy knew Fred a little bit. They had spoken once or twice, even though they had never met. Suddenly, Buffy realized how little in touch she was with Angel and his life now. "Hey, Fred. It's Buffy. Is Angel around?"
"Buffy! Good to hear your voice. How's everything on the Hellmouth?"
Buffy chewed her lip before answering. "Not so good. That's why I need Angel."
Fred's voice sobered. "Right. I'll get him."
Buffy heard her voice in the background, yelling for Angel. A moment later, she heard an achingly familiar deep voice. "Buffy? What's wrong?"
I was dead. Then I wasn't, except I really was, even though I was walking around. The only time I felt alive was fucking a dead guy. Who went and got a soul and is now "bug-shagging crazy.” What should I do?
What she really said was, "Um. Hi Angel. We've got some trouble here, and I need your help."
Hesitation on the other end. "Buffy...I'd like to come, but..."
Buffy cut him off. "No, it's okay. I don't need you to come. This is more over the phone kind of help."
She heard the relieved sigh. What is it with vampires and the sighing? Had she just not noticed it before? "Ok. What's up?"
She cleared her throat. "Well, it's about Spike..."
Angel growled. "What's he done now? Who's he killed?"
"Well, that's the thing. He hasn't killed anyone. He...I'm not even sure how to say this. He went and got his soul back."
"He did what?"
Now it was her turn to sigh. "You heard right. He got his soul back."
Angel's voice sounded confused. "Why would the Gypsys do that?"
She shook her head, knowing even as she did it that he wouldn't see it. "I don't think it was Gypsys. I think he did something to make it happen."
Silence on the other end. But she knew Angel well enough to know he was thinking. After a moment, he said, "Well there was that old legend."
"What old legend?"
"The one about there being a demon in Africa. If you passed his trials, he'd grant you a wish. Some vampires have wondered if he could put back a soul."
Buffy thought furiously. Spike had been gone a long time. All summer. She guessed that would have been long enough to go to Africa and back.
Eerily, Angel seemed to follow her thoughts. "Was he gone for a long time?"
"Yes. All summer."
"That would be long enough."
She had to know. "What do these legends say about the trials?"
His answer didn't surprise her. "Hard. Very hard. As hard as they come." He paused, then said. "But you didn't call me to find out how he could have gotten a soul."
"No. I need to know why he's acting so..."
"Crazy?"
Relieved that she hadn't had to say it, she said, "Yeah."
Angel chuckled. "What else would you expect? Stuff like that doesn't happen without a price." He paused. The line grew so silent she wondered if they'd been disconnected. Finally, he said, "He's hearing the voices of everyone he's ever killed."
Buffy gasped, doing the math. That was a lot of voices. No wonder he was crazy! "Oh. That explains it."
"Yeah, I thought it would."
Buffy hesitated before asking the next question, but she needed to know. "Um. How long did it take you to get over being crazy?"
She could imagine his expression, and she was glad they were talking by phone. "Why?" His voice was cold.
She sighed. "Something bad's coming. Something really bad. I don't know what it is exactly, but I need Spike..." She trailed off, hating herself for even saying as much as she had.
He finished the sentence for her "Sane. You need him sane because he can hold his own in a fight."
"Yeah." A part of her wished Angel would volunteer to come and help. Then she wouldn't need Spike. It had been a long time since Angel had held her, and right then she would have given almost anything to feel his strong arms around her.
But it wasn't to be. "Uh, Buffy. You know I'd do almost anything for you, but, things are...complicated here." He trailed off, and Buffy nodded to herself. It wasn't like she hadn't known.
"I understand. That's why I need Spike." A part of her enjoyed saying that. She knew that Angel would hate the thought of Spike doing what he couldn't. Or wouldn't.
"Right. So you want to know how long you can expect him to be out of it."
She rolled her eyes. "Out of it" barely came close to describing Spike right now.
He continued. "Well, I don't have good news there, I'm afraid."
"Why? What kind of time frame are we looking at?"
"Years."
Buffy's heart sank. She'd been afraid of that, but she'd hoped for a different answer. "Like how many years?"
"Buffy, it took me decades. I didn't really get over it until I met you."
Ouch! That was a long time. She needed Spike a lot sooner than that. "Um. Any suggestions to...get him back faster."
She winced at how Angel probably reacted to that, but there was no hint of it in his voice. "I'm not sure. I never thought about it." He paused for just a moment before continuing. "I guess something to fight would be good, considering it's Spike."
She chuckled. "Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem." She hesitated. "But he knows something is coming. He's the one who told me. And that's only helping a bit." She remembered him earlier this evening, almost normal. Almost himself. But it didn't last. When he staked the boyfriend, that sent him back to crazy. "Any other ideas? What would have helped you?"
A long minute passed before Angel responded. "Someone to love. But that's no good for you. The only one he's ever really loved is Drusilla. She won't be much help here."
Buffy sat back, stunned at his words. Someone to love? She guessed he already had that, but she had a sneaking suspicion that Angel meant someone to love him back, and that wasn't going to happen. But if that was what they needed? Didn't she as the Slayer need to do whatever it took to protect Sunnydale? No matter the cost?
"Buffy?" Angel's voice was concerned.
"Sorry. No, Dru won't be much help. I think she's crazier than he is."
She could almost hear him shrug. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you."
And you can't or won't come and help. What good are you to me, then? She immediately felt guilty for thinking it, but the thought refused to go back where it came from. "No, it's okay," she made herself say. "Guess we'll just have to make it work with a good fight."
"Well, uh, good talking to you."
She forced a smile into her voice. "Yeah, always good to hear your voice. Keep L.A. safe. I've kind my hands full here."
He chuckled. "Yeah, we're working on it."
There really wasn't anything else to say, so she told him goodbye and hung up. She had more information, she guessed, but she wasn't sure yet what to do with it.
Slowly, she walked upstairs and went to her room. She sat down on her bed, more thoughts than she knew what to do with running through her head. Giving Spike a fight? That was easy. Someone to love and to love him back? That was harder. What was her responsbility as the Slayer here?
Suddenly she wished for Giles. He'd disapprove of the entire situation, but he would have been a good sounding board.
Dawn poked her head into the room. "What'd he say?"
Buffy sighed. "Not much helpful."
Her sister came in and sat down. "So tell me."
"He said what Spike is experiencing is totally normal for a vampire who just got his soul back. He's hearing the voices of everyone he's ever killed."
"Eww! No wonder he's nuts."
Buffy nodded. "Pretty much what I thought too."
"Did he have any suggestions for how to help him get better?"
Buffy looked curiously at her sister. "Why so eager to help? Earlier you were all ready to burn him if he looked at me wrong."
Dawn shrugged. "That was before I knew he had a soul. I'm guessing he's not able to hurt you now. So I'm cool with him."
She always had been fond of Spike. Sometimes Buffy thought the teenager was the only one who really understood the vampire. She guessed the summer of watching out for her created a bond. A bond that could be stretched by attempting to rape her sister, but not one that could be broken that easily.
She had a thought. Maybe loving Dawn would do it? She ran that one around a few times. No question Spike loved Dawn. It seemed that Dawn loved him back.
"What're you thinking?" Dawn's voice brought her back. No, it wouldn't work. What Spike felt for her sister was something very different. Protective, yes. But this danger wasn't aimed straight at Dawn, unlike Glory. No, she needed to find another solution.
"Sorry. Just trying to think things through."
"So did Angel have any ideas about how to make Spike better?"
What should she say? Tell her that Spike needed love? No, that she would keep to herself for now. "Not many. About the best he could come up with was to give him a fight."
Dawn snorted. "Well, if you're right about something coming, that's easy." She hesitated. "That doesn't seem like quite enough, though."
Buffy shook her head. "No, it doesn't." She was tired. She couldn't do anything else right now. Spike was settled for the night. The Big Bad wasn't beating down her door. Everything could wait until morning.
She yawned. "Sorry, Dawn. I'm beat. I'll worry about it tomorrow."
Her sister swooped in to land a quick kiss on her cheek. "You'll figure it out." She grinned. "You're the Slayer. It's what you do." She turned to leave, and Buffy gave her a faint smile as she left. Right. Slayer. She wasn't sure that meant she had all the answers.
A/N: Follows "Beneath You" and going mostly AU after that. Oh, it will stick with the basic theme of Season 7, but more focused on what Joss started in the chapel scene and then just left hanging. Darn you, Joss!
Posting this part for now. A second part later in the day, and I'll do my best to get more chapters up on free-for-all day.
Many thanks to blondebitz for the super banner!
Buffy watched Spike hang on the cross, smoke lazily rising from his still form. She didn't know what to think. Spike with a soul. Spike actually going out to do something to get his soul back. She couldn't even imagine what that would be. That it was even possible. Somehow she was pretty sure this was no Gypsy curse.
Spike didn't move, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was burning. He was muttering something, but she couldn't make out the words.
She started to turn, but his words echoed in her memory. Can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest? No, even with everything he'd done, she couldn't leave him like that.
"Spike." Her voice sounded hollow in the silent chapel.
He continued to mutter.
"Spike," she said, louder this time.
Still no reaction from the vampire.
She sighed. How to get through to him? She tried again. "Spike, it's time to rest."
Slowly, Spike lifted himself off the cross. He turned, and Buffy gasped at the red, raw burns on his face, chest and stomach. He said nothing, just stood and waited, eyes cast down.
She stepped forward and lightly touched his shoulder. She winced when he flinched back at her touch. But she made herself continue. "Come on. Let's go."
"Go where?" She could barely hear him.
"Home. To rest."
"Okay." No inflection in his voice. Slowly, he started to walk to the chapel entrance.
Buffy started to follow but thought of something. "Wait."
Spike stopped moving.
Buffy scrambled through the felled pews and found Spike's shirt. She caught up with him and handed it over. "Here. You might want this."
He nodded and started to put it on. As soon as the cloth touched his burns, he cried out and stopped, clearly not certain what to do next.
Buffy sighed. This was going to be harder than she'd thought. "Never mind, Spike." She tried to keep her voice low and soothing. "It's okay. We'll carry it for now. You'll want it when your chest is better."
He nodded. She wasn't sure he'd understood her, but he removed the shirt and started walking again. Buffy felt her throat catch as she watched him move hesitantly, with none of his usual grace and swagger.
Uncomfortably, she realized the experience of getting his soul back had broken him. Would he recover? She couldn't say, but she hoped so. If Spike was right, something bad was coming. Very bad. And Spike was the only one who could hold his own in a fight the way she could. If it was bad, she'd need him. Sane.
Her stomach turned at the thought of using Spike like that. But she was the Slayer. She was the one who needed to think like that. It's better than how you used him before, a small voice inside her head commented.
She sighed. Yes, it was better, she guessed. But it was still using him, and that couldn't be right. No matter how justified. Could it?
As soon as they left the chapel, Spike turned in the direction of the school. "No, Spike. Not there. This way." She started for her house. After a few steps, she realized he wasn't following her. He stood between a couple of gravestones, looking lost. She wasn't sure his eyes were tracking anything that was really there.
"Come on, Spike."
"Where are we going?" His voice was pitched in the higher tone Buffy was learning to recognize as "Spike's not all here now." Who would have thought she'd miss Spike's deeper baritone?
"We're going home, Spike."
He shook his head violently. "No. Can't go there. Must go back to the school. Must check the passes. Someone might be there who doesn't belong."
Buffy sighed. He had always tried her patience mightily. Insane Spike took this to a new level. Uncomfortably, she was starting to think she bore some responsibility for him being like this. "It's okay. I'll make up a bed for you in the basement."
He shook his head again. "No. Can't sleep in your bed. Don't belong there. Don't deserve it."
She recoiled. "No! Not my bed. A bed in the basement. Safe from the sun." And safe for her from whatever a nutty Spike might do, but she didn't add that out loud.
Shaking his head sadly, Spike turned again toward the school. "No. Can't be in your house."
Exasperated, she moved toward him, remembering at the last minute not to touch him. "Why not? You came by earlier. It didn't bother you then."
He looked at her, almost meeting her gaze. His voice deepened and steadied. "It was easier then because people hated me. It's easier to be where I'm hated. Safer."
Buffy didn't even want to work out that logic. But she realized he was right about one thing. She didn't hate him anymore.
"See," he said, his voice sad. "I'm right, aren't I?"
She sighed. "Yes, you are. I don't hate you." She brightened as a thought occurred to her. "But, Dawn's there. And you said yourself she's become really scary."
His eyes were still sad, but he shrugged. "I don't have the energy to fight you, Buffy. Take me home, if that's what you want."
Heart heavy, Buffy led him to her house.
***
"Dawn," she yelled as she opened the door. Spike winced and covered his ears, but she didn't take the time to soothe him. She wasn't sure how Dawn was going to react to having the vampire living with them.
The teenager bounded down the stairs and skidded to a stop when she saw Spike, who was trying to hide behind the Slayer. From the way Dawn's eyes grew wide, Buffy knew her sister had seen the burns.
"What happened?" Concern laced her voice. But it was quickly replaced by coldness. "What's he doing here now?"
"Dawn, I don't have time to explain, but get the first aid kit while I make up the camp bed in the basement."
Suspicion crept into her eyes. "Camp bed? Who's that for?"
Buffy sighed. Why wouldn't anyone just listen? "It's for Spike. I'll explain as soon as I get him settled."
She looked like she was going to demand more explanations, but then she huffed and ran up the stairs.
"Get some sheets and a blanket too while you're up there!"
"Okay!" Dawn yelled back.
Buffy turned to the vampire. "Come with me. I'll get you settled, and then I guess I'll have to tell Dawn something."
Spike didn't say anything. He just followed her downstairs. Buffy found herself almost missing his snarky comments.
He waited quietly while she wrestled the camp bed in shape. She would have asked him for help with the air mattress when the pump stopped working, but having a soul didn't make him breathe. Oh, he managed to gasp, inhale and the like for emphasis, but she still didn't think he had much lung capacity.
By the time the bed was ready, Dawn came clattering down the stairs, arms full of sheets and first aid stuff. "Sorry it took me so long. No way we had enough burn cream, so I went hunting for the bottle of aloe sunburn gel." Triumphantly, she held up the nearly full bottle.
Buffy smiled. "Good thinking." She turned to the vampire. "Spike? Can you sit down so I can treat your burns?"
He eyed the bed with an almost fearful expression, but he sat down. Buffy and Dawn liberally slathered him with cream on the worst of the burns and used the aloe gel on everything else. There was a lot of skin, and it must have hurt, but he bore it silently.
This was not Spike. Spike was snarky. Spike was obnoxious. Spike was annoying. Spike was not quiet. Not ever. Even Dawn seemed to sense the mood because she refrained from her usual chatter.
When they finished, Buffy said, "Ok. I think that'll hold you until morning."
He still didn't say anything. Nor would he meet her eyes.
She patted the camp bed. "Lie down. Get some sleep. It'll be better in the morning."
He curled up on the bed, hugging his legs and arms up close to his body, almost in a fetal position. Buffy wished she could do something to ease his obvious pain, but she just didn't know enough yet. Re-souled vampires were so rare. The only other one she knew of was... Ah, of course. She needed to call Angel. He might know something that would help.
"Come on, Dawn. Let Spike sleep."
Dawn nodded, and Buffy started for the stairs. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed her sister lean down and plant a quick kiss on Spike's cheek. She wasn't certain, but she thought she saw the ghost of a smile cross the vampire's face.
Then Dawn bounded past her with excessive teenage energy. Buffy sighed and followed her up the stairs.
***
Behind them, Spike slowly got off the bed and crouched in the corner. He just couldn't do it. Not sleeping in her bed. Never that.
***
As soon as the Summers sisters got upstairs, Dawn demanded to know what had happened. "How'd he get those awful burns?"
Buffy sighed. She really wanted to call Angel and get some answers, but she owed her sister something. As much as she knew, anyway. "He lay on the cross in the chapel. You know, the one near his crypt."
Dawn blinked. "He lay on a cross? Why would he do that? And why is he so...weird...all of a sudden?"
Nothing for it but to just say it straight out. "Spike has a soul."
"How?" Her tone was quiet, almost reverent.
"I'm not sure." She shrugged. "You probably noticed he's not exactly coherent at the moment."
"Was it like Angel? A Gypsy curse?"
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think so." She struggled to remember what he'd said. Why does a man do what he mustn't. For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev-- "I think he did something to get it back."
"I didn't know that could even be done."
"Neither did I, Dawn. Neither did I."
"What do we do now?"
Buffy sighed again. "First I call Angel. I need to find out what we can do to make Spike...sane...again." She stood up and started to pace. She wasn't aware of her voice rising in volume. "Something's coming. Something bad. Very bad."
"And you need him because he's tough." Dawn's voice was resigned. Buffy almost winced at the unspoken accusation. Once again, you need him but won't give him what he wants. "He loves you, Buffy. Why can't you love him back?"
She didn't want to get angry at her sister. Really she didn't. "I don't know, all right!" The words burst from her with more vehemence than she had intended. "I'm the Slayer. I'm supposed to kill them. Not love them."
Dawn stood her ground. "No, it's not all right. Yeah, you're the Slayer. So what. Not like you've never loved one before." She turned to go but then paused, speaking while half turned away. "Go call Angel then. Maybe he can make you see sense." She snorted. "'Cause it's like he's always been here for you. Not like someone else." And with that she flounced up the stairs.
Buffy stood there, stunned. God she hated it when her sister was right. Finally, she went to the kitchen to make the call.
***
Spike couldn't help overhearing. They both had been talking rather loudly. He cowered in his corner. Some random tool was poking him, and it hurt. Pain was good. He deserved it. Pain to equal what he had caused Buffy.
He pressed himself harder against the wall. Maybe he could lean so hard that it would swallow him up. Take him away from this place. And the voices.
Spike sighed. No, the wall wouldn't take him away. He wasn't finished yet. Buffy could never love him. She only needed him for his strength. And even if it killed him
(death would be good now)
he couldn't stop himself from helping her.
He put his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voices in his head. And those outside. All of them hurt. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? The pain of the spark wouldn't be so bad if he were alone.
***
Buffy dialed Angel's number with hesitation. She needed information, but she didn't want to explain why she needed it. Not that she much choice.
Fred answered the phone. "Angel Investigations. We help the helpless."
Buffy knew Fred a little bit. They had spoken once or twice, even though they had never met. Suddenly, Buffy realized how little in touch she was with Angel and his life now. "Hey, Fred. It's Buffy. Is Angel around?"
"Buffy! Good to hear your voice. How's everything on the Hellmouth?"
Buffy chewed her lip before answering. "Not so good. That's why I need Angel."
Fred's voice sobered. "Right. I'll get him."
Buffy heard her voice in the background, yelling for Angel. A moment later, she heard an achingly familiar deep voice. "Buffy? What's wrong?"
I was dead. Then I wasn't, except I really was, even though I was walking around. The only time I felt alive was fucking a dead guy. Who went and got a soul and is now "bug-shagging crazy.” What should I do?
What she really said was, "Um. Hi Angel. We've got some trouble here, and I need your help."
Hesitation on the other end. "Buffy...I'd like to come, but..."
Buffy cut him off. "No, it's okay. I don't need you to come. This is more over the phone kind of help."
She heard the relieved sigh. What is it with vampires and the sighing? Had she just not noticed it before? "Ok. What's up?"
She cleared her throat. "Well, it's about Spike..."
Angel growled. "What's he done now? Who's he killed?"
"Well, that's the thing. He hasn't killed anyone. He...I'm not even sure how to say this. He went and got his soul back."
"He did what?"
Now it was her turn to sigh. "You heard right. He got his soul back."
Angel's voice sounded confused. "Why would the Gypsys do that?"
She shook her head, knowing even as she did it that he wouldn't see it. "I don't think it was Gypsys. I think he did something to make it happen."
Silence on the other end. But she knew Angel well enough to know he was thinking. After a moment, he said, "Well there was that old legend."
"What old legend?"
"The one about there being a demon in Africa. If you passed his trials, he'd grant you a wish. Some vampires have wondered if he could put back a soul."
Buffy thought furiously. Spike had been gone a long time. All summer. She guessed that would have been long enough to go to Africa and back.
Eerily, Angel seemed to follow her thoughts. "Was he gone for a long time?"
"Yes. All summer."
"That would be long enough."
She had to know. "What do these legends say about the trials?"
His answer didn't surprise her. "Hard. Very hard. As hard as they come." He paused, then said. "But you didn't call me to find out how he could have gotten a soul."
"No. I need to know why he's acting so..."
"Crazy?"
Relieved that she hadn't had to say it, she said, "Yeah."
Angel chuckled. "What else would you expect? Stuff like that doesn't happen without a price." He paused. The line grew so silent she wondered if they'd been disconnected. Finally, he said, "He's hearing the voices of everyone he's ever killed."
Buffy gasped, doing the math. That was a lot of voices. No wonder he was crazy! "Oh. That explains it."
"Yeah, I thought it would."
Buffy hesitated before asking the next question, but she needed to know. "Um. How long did it take you to get over being crazy?"
She could imagine his expression, and she was glad they were talking by phone. "Why?" His voice was cold.
She sighed. "Something bad's coming. Something really bad. I don't know what it is exactly, but I need Spike..." She trailed off, hating herself for even saying as much as she had.
He finished the sentence for her "Sane. You need him sane because he can hold his own in a fight."
"Yeah." A part of her wished Angel would volunteer to come and help. Then she wouldn't need Spike. It had been a long time since Angel had held her, and right then she would have given almost anything to feel his strong arms around her.
But it wasn't to be. "Uh, Buffy. You know I'd do almost anything for you, but, things are...complicated here." He trailed off, and Buffy nodded to herself. It wasn't like she hadn't known.
"I understand. That's why I need Spike." A part of her enjoyed saying that. She knew that Angel would hate the thought of Spike doing what he couldn't. Or wouldn't.
"Right. So you want to know how long you can expect him to be out of it."
She rolled her eyes. "Out of it" barely came close to describing Spike right now.
He continued. "Well, I don't have good news there, I'm afraid."
"Why? What kind of time frame are we looking at?"
"Years."
Buffy's heart sank. She'd been afraid of that, but she'd hoped for a different answer. "Like how many years?"
"Buffy, it took me decades. I didn't really get over it until I met you."
Ouch! That was a long time. She needed Spike a lot sooner than that. "Um. Any suggestions to...get him back faster."
She winced at how Angel probably reacted to that, but there was no hint of it in his voice. "I'm not sure. I never thought about it." He paused for just a moment before continuing. "I guess something to fight would be good, considering it's Spike."
She chuckled. "Yeah, that's not gonna be a problem." She hesitated. "But he knows something is coming. He's the one who told me. And that's only helping a bit." She remembered him earlier this evening, almost normal. Almost himself. But it didn't last. When he staked the boyfriend, that sent him back to crazy. "Any other ideas? What would have helped you?"
A long minute passed before Angel responded. "Someone to love. But that's no good for you. The only one he's ever really loved is Drusilla. She won't be much help here."
Buffy sat back, stunned at his words. Someone to love? She guessed he already had that, but she had a sneaking suspicion that Angel meant someone to love him back, and that wasn't going to happen. But if that was what they needed? Didn't she as the Slayer need to do whatever it took to protect Sunnydale? No matter the cost?
"Buffy?" Angel's voice was concerned.
"Sorry. No, Dru won't be much help. I think she's crazier than he is."
She could almost hear him shrug. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you."
And you can't or won't come and help. What good are you to me, then? She immediately felt guilty for thinking it, but the thought refused to go back where it came from. "No, it's okay," she made herself say. "Guess we'll just have to make it work with a good fight."
"Well, uh, good talking to you."
She forced a smile into her voice. "Yeah, always good to hear your voice. Keep L.A. safe. I've kind my hands full here."
He chuckled. "Yeah, we're working on it."
There really wasn't anything else to say, so she told him goodbye and hung up. She had more information, she guessed, but she wasn't sure yet what to do with it.
Slowly, she walked upstairs and went to her room. She sat down on her bed, more thoughts than she knew what to do with running through her head. Giving Spike a fight? That was easy. Someone to love and to love him back? That was harder. What was her responsbility as the Slayer here?
Suddenly she wished for Giles. He'd disapprove of the entire situation, but he would have been a good sounding board.
Dawn poked her head into the room. "What'd he say?"
Buffy sighed. "Not much helpful."
Her sister came in and sat down. "So tell me."
"He said what Spike is experiencing is totally normal for a vampire who just got his soul back. He's hearing the voices of everyone he's ever killed."
"Eww! No wonder he's nuts."
Buffy nodded. "Pretty much what I thought too."
"Did he have any suggestions for how to help him get better?"
Buffy looked curiously at her sister. "Why so eager to help? Earlier you were all ready to burn him if he looked at me wrong."
Dawn shrugged. "That was before I knew he had a soul. I'm guessing he's not able to hurt you now. So I'm cool with him."
She always had been fond of Spike. Sometimes Buffy thought the teenager was the only one who really understood the vampire. She guessed the summer of watching out for her created a bond. A bond that could be stretched by attempting to rape her sister, but not one that could be broken that easily.
She had a thought. Maybe loving Dawn would do it? She ran that one around a few times. No question Spike loved Dawn. It seemed that Dawn loved him back.
"What're you thinking?" Dawn's voice brought her back. No, it wouldn't work. What Spike felt for her sister was something very different. Protective, yes. But this danger wasn't aimed straight at Dawn, unlike Glory. No, she needed to find another solution.
"Sorry. Just trying to think things through."
"So did Angel have any ideas about how to make Spike better?"
What should she say? Tell her that Spike needed love? No, that she would keep to herself for now. "Not many. About the best he could come up with was to give him a fight."
Dawn snorted. "Well, if you're right about something coming, that's easy." She hesitated. "That doesn't seem like quite enough, though."
Buffy shook her head. "No, it doesn't." She was tired. She couldn't do anything else right now. Spike was settled for the night. The Big Bad wasn't beating down her door. Everything could wait until morning.
She yawned. "Sorry, Dawn. I'm beat. I'll worry about it tomorrow."
Her sister swooped in to land a quick kiss on her cheek. "You'll figure it out." She grinned. "You're the Slayer. It's what you do." She turned to leave, and Buffy gave her a faint smile as she left. Right. Slayer. She wasn't sure that meant she had all the answers.