fic: come in closer (i want you to) [12a/?]
Chapter:xii: wonderwall - ryan adams/i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now
Word count: 9000
Author's notes: don't worry, Andrew is okay, truly
Soundtrack: Ryan Adams' version of Wonderwall
At AO3
The room is a comfortable temperature, but with Jesse pressed up against Andrew, sweat begins to form very quickly on his nose and soon enough, his chest is rubbing easily with Andrew’s back. He’s moving only slightly, gently, the sensation new for both of them.
“You all right?” Jesse murmurs into Andrew’s neck. Andrew’s trembling has lessened, but Jesse keeps his arm draped over Andrew’s torso.
Andrew actually manages a small laugh despite his nerves.
“Yeah. This is - different.”
(special)
Jesse hums. He can feel himself hardening, though at the moment all he’s thinking about is how intimate their positions are, and how lucky he is to have Andrew.
Readjusting himself, Jesse pauses and Andrew turns his head for an awkward kiss. Jesse smiles against Andrew’s lips and tries to get Andrew to turn around so they can kiss properly, but Andrew pulls back.
“Hey, I forgot to ask you. There’s going to be an end of year party next weekend and - ”
Jesse’s muscles tense.
(party?)
(no)
(but)
(maybe?)
“ - I know you don’t like parties but Jesse I think this could be fun and I don’t want to go without you.”
Andrew turns back and Jesse watches his shoulder blades ripple.
“End of year party? It’s not June, yet.”
The shoulders tremor when Andrew chuckles.
“Yeah, but I guess Mariah wanted to get it out of the way, before May and there’s end of year work and whatever.”
Jesse chews his lips. He feels kind of dazed. His eyes fall to Andrew’s ass and he’s squeezing it before he realizes what he’s doing. Andrew jolts but laughs easily and Jesse smiles to himself. A party, then? Perhaps…Jesse hasn’t been to a party in so long - a ‘real’ party. Not when Emma brings beer over to Armie’s house and JT dances around the fire outside, trying to get the others to join him. The last time they’d done that, Andrew had laughed so hard he’d snorted and sprayed alcohol all over Joe and Joe was so surprised he’d fallen backwards, only to knock Rob off the swings, bringing Kristen down with him.
“What are you thinking?” Andrew murmurs, cheekiness in his voice.
They’re both naked, and are supposed to be having ‘experimental sex’ but Jesse rolls onto his back and starts to laugh as he says, “That time - when - ah - you remember when you sprayed your beer all over Joe?”
Andrew giggles and ends up on top of Jesse.
“Yeah, and Rob fell off the swings and so did Kristen and everyone ended up with grass stains on their pants?”
Jesse stares up at Andrew, and a wave of absolute happiness rolls over him and he grins, before lurching up and nipping at Andrew’s bottom lip playfully. Andrew splutters and returns the sentiment - biting Jesse on the chin and then blowing a raspberry.
“Hey! Ew!”
Andrew cackles and swiftly moves down to blow another one on Jesse’s stomach.
“You love it!”
Jesse squirms, pushing at Andrew’s head and suddenly Andrew is tickling him and Jesse hasn’t realized how ticklish he actually is until Andrew’s fingers are brushing under his arms and over his stomach and then at his neck and Jesse is rolling around, trying to stop him. He manages to get one hand in Andrew’s hair and he yanks him back up to his face.
“Ow!”
They’re breathing heavily and Andrew’s face is very close to his. Very close. He lurches up again but instead of biting, kisses Andrew harshly. Andrew kisses back with as much fervour as Jesse, all playfulness dissipated. His half-hard dick knocks against Jesse’s and he begins rocking his hips down, sliding easily against the sweat.
Andrew pants, murmuring, “How ‘bout that party then?”
(with andrew)
(safe)
(past is the past)
(whatever)
Jesse tugs at Andrew’s hair, and replies once Andrew’s moaned.
“Sure, so long as I don’t have to drink.”
Andrew snaps his hips down and Jesse spasms.
“You don’t.”
Jesse throws his head back when Andrew starts to kiss down his neck, but instead of moving to the collarbone, as he usually does, he stops.
Jesse glances down.
“What?”
Andrew doesn’t say anything, merely looks up at Jesse with a curious expression on his face. He gingerly gets off, now, and moves back to his previous position, lying on his side, turned away from Jesse.
“Put your dick against my ass.”
Jesse coughs and feels his face go bright red. When did the room get so hot?
Andrew actually wiggles his ass back at Jesse.
Jesse plasters his chest against Andrew’s back and before he’s even settled, Andrew pushes his ass back into Jesse’s erection. Fuck. Jesse wraps his arm around Andrew again and closes his eyes. He doesn’t move, though Andrew continues pushing back against Jesse.
“Come on, Jess. Touch me.”
Jesse feels Andrew guide his hand down to his cock and Jesse begins to rub at Andrew’s erection. Andrew soon enough begins rocking between both sensations, though clearly, he wants more. He snakes a hand back around to Jesse’s dick, where he clutches it lightly but surely, positioning it so that Jesse whimpers when he actually feels his dick in between Andrew’s…cheeks.
He buries his face into the hair at the nape of Andrew’s neck, and tries to steady his breathing, but Andrew is moaning and is rocking back harder now. Sweat and pre-come make the movement slick and messy, and all hope of control is lost when Andrew lifts Jesse’s leg over his and quickens his movement. Jesse feels like he could explode.
“Jess, I think this is actually amazing.” Andrew murmurs.
Jesse isn’t thinking of anything, really.
When Andrew’s ass clenches, Jesse is tipped over the edge. He comes all over Andrew’s ass and Andrew’s movement backwards slips and Jesse ends up squeezing Andrew’s dick harder than he usually would.
“Fuck.”
Andrew shivers at the groan against his skin and comes seconds later, when Jesse’s spasms continue and in his heightened moment, ends up pushing Andrew onto his stomach and moves on top of him, shoving his dick against the sensitive skin.
Jesse rolls off Andrew moments later, a strangled sound falling out through his lips. They lie like that, an absolute mess, trying to breathe normally again, for five minutes longer.
Andrew is the first to speak.
“Well, that went well.”
Jesse takes a deep breath and glances sideways at his boyfriend. His thoughts return drowsily to him, but once he thinks he’s regained something that resembles coherency, he mutters, “Let’s do it again sometime?”
When Andrew’s lips twitch up into the post-orgasm, happy smile that Andrew so often displays, Jesse feels a wave of euphoria wash over him again and he doesn’t think twice before launching himself back onto Andrew.
The evening disappears around them and night-time has truly fallen when Jesse retracts himself from Andrew’s arms. He stumbles to the bathroom, grinning like a lunatic, leaving a very sated, very satisfied, but a very tired Andrew sprawled out over the ruined sheets. Jesse grins at himself in the mirror, brushing his teeth, and he grins to himself when he jumps back onto the bed, forgetting that he usually hates sleeping naked.
A party at Mariah’s next weekend? Sure thing! Being a boyfriend to a boy with fluffy hair and golden skin? You bet! Eighteen years old and unsure about what he’s actually doing with his life? Is he gay, bi, straight, something else? Whatever! Sex with Andrew? Not a -
“Andrew?”
“Mm?” Andrew responds lazily, rubbing circles into Jesse’s palm.
“If we’re going to have sex, we’ll need stuff.”
“Sure…no problem…they sell stuff… at…”
Andrew is asleep before he finishes his sentence and Jesse debates whether he should panic or just sleep.
(buy?)
(where?)
(what?)
(how?)
(oh god)
(and the party…)
He stares at the ceiling.
What does he do? He suddenly wishes he could talk to someone about this - having sex. Is he doing something wrong, in not telling his friends? Kristen?
Kristen.
His best friend.
Jesse frowns. Well, it’s his personal life, right? He tells who he wants, when he wants.
Maybe he’ll talk to Kerri. Or Joe. Talking to Kerri could be incredibly awkward though and - no. He’ll talk to Joe.
(scared)
(fuck)
The blackness circles him, like an old friend, but Jesse grabs Andrew’s hand and glares defiantly around him until he feels it back off.
(scared)
(but)
(andrew…)
It’s Andrew.
It’ll be okay.
************
Jesse sits on the swing, kicking at the ground. When Joe strolls up to him, he looks up with the intent of smiling, but ends up squinting instead because of the sunlight. His arms feel warm.
Joe takes his customary position next to Jesse on the swings.
“Beautiful day, isn’t it!”
Jesse looks around.
“Yeah.”
They sit in comfortable silence until Joe rubs his hands and speaks again.
“Well then! What can I help you with today?”
Jesse takes a deep breath and begins.
“Andrew and I were thinking of having sex and I’m aware that we’re going to need some…supplies and I was wondering if you had any advice or if you’ve, with Patrick - speaking of Patrick, how is he and how are you two? Everything’s going fine? Everything’s fine with me and Andrew, he even convinced me to go to Mariah’s party which is next weekend, on Sunday I think, which is a bit ridiculous, because I mean, really, a Sunday? But you know what happened at Mariah’s a couple of years ago and I didn’t think I’d ever go to a party again, but then I went to Matt’s and I met Andrew and then of course, I never thought I’d end up having a secret boyfriend - well he’s not really a secret to you, but I guess he is to everyone - ”
Joe claps his hands, shocking Jesse out of his word dribble.
“Jesse!”
Jesse clears his throat and rubs his temples.
“Yes?”
“You want to have sex with Andrew?”
Jesse laughs nervously at how bluntly Joe put it, but, yeah. Pretty much. Sex. Making love. Anal penetration. All that.
“Uh, yeah, we’ve discussed that maybe we could try.”
“Great, you’ll love it.”
Joe smiles easily at Jesse’s reddening face.
(okay)
Joe continues. “But you’re right, you’re going to need condoms - I mean, it’s less messy that way in the end - and lube.”
“Lube?”
(okay)
Joe nods.
“It’ll make it easier and hurt less. You’re going to need it. Who’s bottoming?”
Jesse chokes but Joe doesn’t even flinch, merely smiling and waiting for Jesse’s response.
“Ah, Andrew says he wanted to.”
“Okay, well, then, before you start you’re going to need to - ”
“Just tell me where I can buy the stuff.”
Jesse can figure out how to actually…do it by himself. He’d rather not sit in the middle of a park and discuss sex with Joe when there are children running around on the oval.
Joe laughs, non-fazed.
“Chemist’s. Go to the one on the main road, they have the best stock.”
Jesse nods and thinks he should probably set out to buy that now, before he goes home, but one last question -
“How do I recognize lube?”
************
Jesse ducks his head when he walks into the local chemist’s, trying to avoid being noticed, but the stupid door has a bell and the elderly man at the register looks up at him, smiling, when he enters the store.
Fucking hell.
He disappears into the first aisle he sees and takes a slow breath. He glances at his phone, purposely opening up the text he’d received from Andrew ten minutes ago.
From Andrew:
You sure you’re okay with buying the stuff? Well, okay.
And Jesse - next Saturday? Sounds good ;)
Jesse smiles to himself, feeling a little giddy. It’s okay. Right now, he is a customer, and he’s just here to buy something he needs. That’s all.
(okay)
Jesse takes a moment to look around him. It appears he stepped into the hair product aisle. A girl around his age looks up at him when he tries to sidle past her, and glares when he knocks into her.
“Sorry.” He mutters.
She huffs and returns to scouring the shelves.
He frowns to himself and trots down to the end of the aisle, peering into the one next to it.
Make-up.
Not quite what he needs…
Jesse ends up wandering up and down each aisle. He makes sure to stare intently at the contents of the shelves, but he just can’t find the condoms! Or lube. Joe said that they’d be here but he can’t -
“Hello, young man, can I help you?”
The old man from the register is smiling kindly at Jesse.
“Ah - what? No. I mean - it’s okay - ”
“If sir is interested, I’d like to direct him to this aisle over here…”
The old man leads Jesse gently over to an aisle near the back of the store that Jesse is sure he looked in, but apparently he didn’t, because now he is staring a whole shelf dedicated to condoms and other sex related things.
“Is this what you were looking for?” The old man asks.
“Um.”
Jesse flushes and hunches his shoulders. The old man chuckles and pats Jesse on the back, before shuffling off.
(breathe)
(breathe)
Okay, so now he’s here, he might as well - condoms, okay, just choose -
Jesse frowns. Why are there so many different types? He peers closely at one of the boxes. Ribbed? What’s that? His frown deepens when he picks up a box that says scented on the front. He feels a person brush past him and he hastily puts the box back on the shelf, staring at his feet until he’s sure he’s alone again.
Andrew had asked if Jesse wanted him to come with him, but Jesse had declined. He thought it’d had been even more awkward, but now he kind of wishes Andrew was here with him. Why is there so much choice!?
Not wishing to draw out the decision any longer, Jesse closes his eyes and blindly plucks a box off a shelf and it’s only when he’s turned around and has started marching off to the register, that he realizes he needs to buy lube too.
Lube.
Joe had said it was for ‘lubrication’, because pre-come generally wasn’t enough to lubricate…down there…
He returns to the shelf, but can’t see anything that could be lube.
Another person brushes past him, but actually stops close to him. Jesse’s hands begin to shake, clutching the box of condoms, and in a low level of desperation, Jesse actually crouches down to pretend he’s tying up his shoes, despite the fact that his shoes have no laces.
It’s when he’s down there that he notices the bottom shelf, filled with, what he’d previously thought to be male wash products or something, containers that are labelled ‘personal lubrication’. He swipes the largest bottle and springs up, nearly knocking the person next to him, before hurrying back to the register, eager to get the fuck out of the store.
But there’s a queue.
Jesse fidgets, waiting for the woman in front of him with the crying baby to hurry up and purchase the damn perfumes whilst he tries to hide the box and bottle underneath his jacket without looking like he’s trying to steal them. He glances around. Clearly he’s not trying to steal anything, if he’s standing in the queue, right?
Finally the woman leaves and he steps up to the register, avoiding the elderly man’s eyes. He pushes his choices onto the counter quickly and is relieved when the shop owner merely states the price and accepts the note Jesse passes to him.
“Would you like a bag?”
Jesse looks up and the old man has a gentle smile on his face. He nods slightly in response and forces himself to stop fidgeting when the bag is handed to him.
“Thank-you, and have a good evening!”
Jesse can’t get out of there fast enough.
************
After dinner Jesse returns to his room, checking his hiding-spot for the plastic bag to make sure no one has accidentally discovered it.
Satisfied that his family have no idea of what he bought, he locks his door and sits himself down at his laptop, opening up his internet browser and then Google.
So, next Saturday he’s going to be…topping - is that the right expression? - and this is no role that he’s practised at before. He’s going to be actually penetrating Andrew and considering that he has no idea how to do that, really, he thinks he needs some pointers - and not from Joe.
Jesse types in ‘how to have anal sex’ and presses enter. He giggles to himself nervously when he clicks open a random link…a forum’s thread, with adults discussing anal sex. After scanning the first couple of posts, he discovers that there are women talking on the thread too, and he mentally chastises himself for thinking that it’d be only men.
“Duh.” He mutters under his breath. Women enjoy anal sex, too.
Trying not to squeak, Jesse begins to read a long post written by a man who has been enjoying anal sex with his wife for years.
‘use A LOT OF LUBRICATION and take it SLOWLY’
Okay, seems pretty straightforward.
‘preferably silicone-based lubricant’
Jesse jumps up and pulls out the bottle he’d hidden at the back of his bookcase, relieved to find that in his haste, he’d managed to choose a silicone-based lubricant anyway.
“Why does it matter?” Jesse wonders out loud, moving back to his seat. He pauses when he hears Hallie Kate run to her room, but soon resumes his ‘research’.
‘water-based lubricants dry out easily and make things stickier than they need to be’
All right, seems fair.
Then Jesse comes to something which makes him squirm and feel momentarily uncomfortable.
‘the receiver should have a good, complete bowel movement (I recommend about at least an hour before)’
Right. There’s that to think about. Guess I should mention that to Andrew, he thinks. He quickly moves on to the next paragraph.
‘it is good to start by using a finger’
Jesse squeaks despite himself, remembering that gay porn video he’d watched a while back. But the poster is right, and though Jesse has had no experience with anal sex, there is some part of him that instinctively knows he’s not about to go carelessly shove his dick inside Andrew, even with a lot of lube.
“So this is the preparation…” Jesse muses, leaning slightly closer to the screen. He reads through the paragraph for ten minutes, thankful for the careful instructions. Jesse stares at his nails, deliberating for a few seconds, before minimizing the browser window and shutting his laptop.
He pads out to the top of the stairs and yells out, “Mom! Where are the nail clippers?”
His mother replies, “In the bathroom, second drawer!”
Jesse returns from the bathroom with freshly clipped nails, just in case.
He ends up reading through the whole forum, secretly amused by the responses. At first he feels embarrassed, but the more he reads, the more he understands and the more he understands, the more prepared he feels.
‘at the end of the day, it is supposed to feel good between you and your partner, so when you are on top, remember to look in their eyes’
Jesse smiles lazily at that comment.
(andrew)
(beautiful)
(eyelashes)
‘it is a very special thing for a person to give you consent for anal sex, so don’t blow it!’
Yeah, special. Andrew is special. Andrew is really special.
Jesse deletes his browser history and turns the laptop off, content at what he’s learned. There’s a nervous energy inside him, thinking about what he and Andrew will try out next week, but it is accompanied by an overwhelming amount of anticipation and…love?
(andrew…)
(it’s okay if you love him, jesse)
He lies down on his bed, staring at a photo of Andrew that he’d secretly taken on his phone. Jesse remembers this lunchtime fondly- he’d managed to capture Andrew mid-laugh, eyes squeezed shut and a wild grin on his face. Rob is next to him, laughing as well.
(everyone fucking laughs at me)
Jesse’s eyes harden.
Andrew is so beautiful and genuine and no one has the right to laugh at Andrew, ever.
(is is really okay that i might love andrew?)
He’s still staring at the photo when the phone begins to ring in his hands, indicating that Kristen wants to talk to him. He curls onto his side and answers her call.
(yes it is)
************
It’s lunchtime and Andrew won’t stop catching Jesse’s eye from across the table. Jesse returns each glance warily, aware of their friends around them. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow they’re going to try…sex.
“So I hear Jesse’s coming to Mariah’s on Sunday!” JT exclaims, slapping Jesse on the back enthusiastically. Jesse winces and Kristen scowls at JT, who just shrugs, muttering, “What?”
Emma flings an arm around Jesse’s shoulders and says fondly, “Right, and everything’s going to be awesome. Anyway, Armie, tell us about that thing you told me about on the phone the other day…”
Armie graciously steers the focus away from Jesse, smiling at him quickly before launching into a story Jesse only half listens to.
Andrew and his fucking eyes!
Jesse looks down at his empty tray but looks up again when he feels a hand on his arm. Joe is standing next to him.
“Jesse? Want to come outside for a bit?”
Joe glances over at Andrew and Andrew nods his head, like he’s giving permission, or something. Jesse feels a dull spot of resentment at the action, but before he can dwell on it, Joe is pulling him to the cafeteria doors.
On their way out, they pass Patrick, and Joe stops, letting his hand brush over Patrick’s hair. Jesse catches softness in Patrick’s eyes and Patrick’s friends don’t even look puzzled, or anything, merely amused. Joe winks and Patrick blushes and Jesse stands awkwardly, waiting for the moment to finish.
Patrick pushes at Joe and Joe laughs. Patrick’s friends don’t even bat an eye! Jesse wonders. At this point, Jesse thinks they might have at least become a little suspicious, but they just smile happily at Patrick and Joe.
They eventually make it outside and Joe sits Jesse down on the bench he usually sits on with Andrew.
“What’s up, Joe?”
Joe studies Jesse’s face, like he’s trying to figure out how to say what he wants, and Jesse just waits. He can see Andrew inside the cafeteria watching them and Jesse ducks his head.
(tomorrow)
“How are you, Jesse?” Joe finally asks. He purses his lips.
“I’m okay? Why?”
Joe leans closer.
“Was it Andrew who convinced you to come on Sunday?”
Jesse coughs and shuffles his feet.
“Maybe. Why? Why is everyone making a big deal out of this?”
Joe looks uncomfortable and Jesse regrets snapping at him. It’s just - the whole week people have been making comments about it, even people who aren’t his friends. It’s weird and annoying.
“Well, because of what happened - ”
“That was years ago and I’m older now.” Jesse says stubbornly. He’s a changed person, now. He’s got a boyfriend and he’s going to have sex with him tomorrow. That’s a big deal, you know. A big deal for Jesse, anyway.
Jesse continues.
“You know, Joe, I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of months. I think it’s senior year. I’m older and I’ve had more…experiences and what happened at Mariah’s all those years ago was unfortunate, but I’m a different person now. I can handle it.”
When Joe doesn’t respond, Jesse adds, “Despite what everyone thinks, I’m not a kid that needs to be babied.”
Joe just looks at Jesse like he’s unsure whether to believe him. Jesse frowns and looks back at Andrew, who is still watching them. Joe follows Jesse’s gaze.
“You know, Jesse, maybe you think senior year is what happened that changed you, but I think it’s actually Andrew that happened.”
When Andrew sees Joe’s looking back at him, he turns his head and glances around furtively, before striking up a conversation with Rob.
They remain quiet for a while, the sounds of younger kids yelling and running buzz around instead, keeping them company in their moment of silence.
Jesse thinks about what Joe said. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s pretty sure Joe is right. Andrew has changed him. Jesse reflects back on the way he was last September, worried and insecure about his schoolwork, his future, his purpose. Hesitant to acknowledge his feelings, doubtful of himself and the people around him.
He stares at Joe, who’s watching the game in front of them. He wasn’t even that close to Joe, back in September. A friend he’d known for years, yes, but not particularly close. Comfortable around him, but not someone he’d share really personal thoughts to. And why not? Jesse feels glum for a moment. Probably because he never bothered to actually try. He was always pretty reserved, and it’s a miracle he got as close to JT and Kristen as he has.
Joe feels Jesse’s gaze and he turns his head to match Jesse’s stare. His mouth twitches up into a small smile.
Jesse smiles back and says, “But yeah. It was Andrew who convinced me. I told you that, didn't I?”
Joe laughs - “Oh yeah!” - and Jesse laughs along with him. Joe suddenly stops and cocks his head at Jesse, murmuring, “You know what, buddy? It’s been a really long time since you’ve had a panic attack.”
(darkness settling in his bones)
(no)
(andrew)
(and jesse)
(together)
(thanks to joe)
Jesse shrugs.
Joe smiles again, but secretly this time. He smiles with his eyes and Jesse has the inexplicable urge to hug Joe and so he does. He leans forward and wraps his arms around Joe’s neck and rests his chin on his back, looking down at the gravel behind the bench. Joe’s arms slowly come up to return the hug and Jesse feels - happy.
“Thanks for everything, Joe.” Jesse mumbles.
(happy)
(safe)
(powerful)
“Hey, I didn’t even do anything.” Joe chuckles.
Jesse pulls back and grins.
“Learn to accept a thank-you.”
So Joe flushes and murmurs his thank-you. Jesse is pleased.
The air gets a little thick between them, so Jesse cuts through it before the moment drags out too long.
“Are you and Patrick still…you know…a secret?”
It’s Joe’s turn to shrug now.
“I guess? I don’t like to think of us as a secret though. We’re just quiet about our relationship. Even though…”
He bends forward and whispers, “Patrick said that if he’s feeling confident, we can come out at Mariah’s party. Or the week after Mariah’s party, or something. Either way, soon.”
There is excitement written all over Joe’s face and something stirs in Jesse’s stomach. Jesse wants to ignore it, and deem it a buzz of happiness for his friend, or simply his lunch beginning to be digested, but he knows it’s not that.
Jesse glances back at the cafeteria. Andrew is leaning against Rob, watching Emma talk with her hands.
(soon)
(very soon)
He realizes that Joe is still speaking.
“…nervous but whatever, this is who I am, and I’ve wanted this for so long, ever since we first had - speaking of which, Jesse? Are you still driving on V-plates?”
Incredulous, is the only way to describe Jesse’s expression.
“V-plates? Seriously?”
Joe turns bright red and laughs at himself.
“It’s something I heard JT use once. All right - all right, Jesse stop looking at me like that.”
Jesse puts a hand over his mouth, but really, V-plates?
Joe shakes his head and looks down at his feet, but a smile tugs at his lips and Jesse is inclined to answer him anyway.
“Yes, I am still driving on V-plates.”
Joe looks up and Jesse adds, “But I won’t be soon.”
There’s a burst of commotion from one side of the court - one of the kids has fallen over. In amongst the loud disorder, Joe and Jesse have a quick, whispered conversation about Jesse’s supplies.
“Yes, I bought cond - yes. And that too. Yes.”
“You sure you’re ready?”
“Why not? I reckon we are.”
(four months?)
(well…)
“Don’t forget to do preparation - like, use your fingers or if you’re feeling adventurous, put your tongue in his -”
“I think lunch’s over, thanks Joe.”
Joe nods and they stand up. Patrick appears at the entrance to the cafeteria and Jesse watches Joe saunter over to the blonde, who just laughs at his boyfriend.
Jesse can’t help his smile.
************
Andrew towels down his legs.
Jesse is a bundle of nerves as he watches Andrew get dressed. Jesse’s been a bundle of nerves all morning, actually, and Hallie Kate had noticed.
When Andrew had walked over to Jesse earlier to retrieve his bag - and his boyfriend - Hallie Kate was quick to get out of the pool too, to say to Andrew, “Something’s up his butt and I don’t know what it is. Is there something up yours, too?”
Jesse had choked on his saliva and Andrew had laughed so hard, Hallie Kate had actually looked shocked. In fact, Andrew had not stopped laughing even as the moment passed and they were now in the change-room together.
The sound of Andrew’s laugh is something Jesse, theoretically, likes to hear everyday, but there is a particularly angry looking man in the corner glaring at them both.
“Andrew, please.”
“What’s up my butt! Ha-ha!”
“Andrew.”
“If only she knew!”
Jesse squirms and says very quietly, “There won’t be anything up your butt tonight if you don’t shut the fuck up right now.”
Andrew’s laughing immediately ceases and his face becomes a billboard for anxiousness.
“I’m sorry Jess, I - ”
Jesse waves it off.
“Shut up. Just get dressed and let’s get out of here. I don’t like the look of angry man at two o’ clock.”
Andrew’s expression shifts into that of cheekiness and he makes a point about glancing around the change-room with hunched shoulders and a small smirk playing at his lips.
Jesse sighs and tries not to roll his eyes, though he supposes he’s secretly relieved that Andrew is acting like an idiot. It’s better than Andrew acting nervous, considering that Andrew is well aware of their plans for tonight.
When they finally make their way out of the school, the streets are empty and Jesse takes Andrew’s hand.
(beautiful)
(why not)
(does it matter?)
Even if people see them, what’s the big deal? Girls hold hands all the time, does it matter if two boys are seen holding hands?
It shouldn’t matter, especially when Andrew returns the gesture with that smile.
“What are you thinking about?” Jesse asks, swinging their clasped hands between their bodies, clutching at his bag with the other.
Andrew grins and reaches over to pat Jesse’s bag. He then taps his nose and casually looks up at the sky, murmuring, “Ah, nothing.”
He casts a sidelong glance at Jesse, waiting for a reaction. Jesse just snorts, muttering “Really? How boring.”
But Andrew probably doesn’t miss the light that dances across Jesse’s eyes and Jesse definitely doesn’t miss the sparkle in Andrew’s.
************
NEXT
Word count: 9000
Author's notes: don't worry, Andrew is okay, truly
Soundtrack: Ryan Adams' version of Wonderwall
At AO3
The room is a comfortable temperature, but with Jesse pressed up against Andrew, sweat begins to form very quickly on his nose and soon enough, his chest is rubbing easily with Andrew’s back. He’s moving only slightly, gently, the sensation new for both of them.
“You all right?” Jesse murmurs into Andrew’s neck. Andrew’s trembling has lessened, but Jesse keeps his arm draped over Andrew’s torso.
Andrew actually manages a small laugh despite his nerves.
“Yeah. This is - different.”
(special)
Jesse hums. He can feel himself hardening, though at the moment all he’s thinking about is how intimate their positions are, and how lucky he is to have Andrew.
Readjusting himself, Jesse pauses and Andrew turns his head for an awkward kiss. Jesse smiles against Andrew’s lips and tries to get Andrew to turn around so they can kiss properly, but Andrew pulls back.
“Hey, I forgot to ask you. There’s going to be an end of year party next weekend and - ”
Jesse’s muscles tense.
(party?)
(no)
(but)
(maybe?)
“ - I know you don’t like parties but Jesse I think this could be fun and I don’t want to go without you.”
Andrew turns back and Jesse watches his shoulder blades ripple.
“End of year party? It’s not June, yet.”
The shoulders tremor when Andrew chuckles.
“Yeah, but I guess Mariah wanted to get it out of the way, before May and there’s end of year work and whatever.”
Jesse chews his lips. He feels kind of dazed. His eyes fall to Andrew’s ass and he’s squeezing it before he realizes what he’s doing. Andrew jolts but laughs easily and Jesse smiles to himself. A party, then? Perhaps…Jesse hasn’t been to a party in so long - a ‘real’ party. Not when Emma brings beer over to Armie’s house and JT dances around the fire outside, trying to get the others to join him. The last time they’d done that, Andrew had laughed so hard he’d snorted and sprayed alcohol all over Joe and Joe was so surprised he’d fallen backwards, only to knock Rob off the swings, bringing Kristen down with him.
“What are you thinking?” Andrew murmurs, cheekiness in his voice.
They’re both naked, and are supposed to be having ‘experimental sex’ but Jesse rolls onto his back and starts to laugh as he says, “That time - when - ah - you remember when you sprayed your beer all over Joe?”
Andrew giggles and ends up on top of Jesse.
“Yeah, and Rob fell off the swings and so did Kristen and everyone ended up with grass stains on their pants?”
Jesse stares up at Andrew, and a wave of absolute happiness rolls over him and he grins, before lurching up and nipping at Andrew’s bottom lip playfully. Andrew splutters and returns the sentiment - biting Jesse on the chin and then blowing a raspberry.
“Hey! Ew!”
Andrew cackles and swiftly moves down to blow another one on Jesse’s stomach.
“You love it!”
Jesse squirms, pushing at Andrew’s head and suddenly Andrew is tickling him and Jesse hasn’t realized how ticklish he actually is until Andrew’s fingers are brushing under his arms and over his stomach and then at his neck and Jesse is rolling around, trying to stop him. He manages to get one hand in Andrew’s hair and he yanks him back up to his face.
“Ow!”
They’re breathing heavily and Andrew’s face is very close to his. Very close. He lurches up again but instead of biting, kisses Andrew harshly. Andrew kisses back with as much fervour as Jesse, all playfulness dissipated. His half-hard dick knocks against Jesse’s and he begins rocking his hips down, sliding easily against the sweat.
Andrew pants, murmuring, “How ‘bout that party then?”
(with andrew)
(safe)
(past is the past)
(whatever)
Jesse tugs at Andrew’s hair, and replies once Andrew’s moaned.
“Sure, so long as I don’t have to drink.”
Andrew snaps his hips down and Jesse spasms.
“You don’t.”
Jesse throws his head back when Andrew starts to kiss down his neck, but instead of moving to the collarbone, as he usually does, he stops.
Jesse glances down.
“What?”
Andrew doesn’t say anything, merely looks up at Jesse with a curious expression on his face. He gingerly gets off, now, and moves back to his previous position, lying on his side, turned away from Jesse.
“Put your dick against my ass.”
Jesse coughs and feels his face go bright red. When did the room get so hot?
Andrew actually wiggles his ass back at Jesse.
Jesse plasters his chest against Andrew’s back and before he’s even settled, Andrew pushes his ass back into Jesse’s erection. Fuck. Jesse wraps his arm around Andrew again and closes his eyes. He doesn’t move, though Andrew continues pushing back against Jesse.
“Come on, Jess. Touch me.”
Jesse feels Andrew guide his hand down to his cock and Jesse begins to rub at Andrew’s erection. Andrew soon enough begins rocking between both sensations, though clearly, he wants more. He snakes a hand back around to Jesse’s dick, where he clutches it lightly but surely, positioning it so that Jesse whimpers when he actually feels his dick in between Andrew’s…cheeks.
He buries his face into the hair at the nape of Andrew’s neck, and tries to steady his breathing, but Andrew is moaning and is rocking back harder now. Sweat and pre-come make the movement slick and messy, and all hope of control is lost when Andrew lifts Jesse’s leg over his and quickens his movement. Jesse feels like he could explode.
“Jess, I think this is actually amazing.” Andrew murmurs.
Jesse isn’t thinking of anything, really.
When Andrew’s ass clenches, Jesse is tipped over the edge. He comes all over Andrew’s ass and Andrew’s movement backwards slips and Jesse ends up squeezing Andrew’s dick harder than he usually would.
“Fuck.”
Andrew shivers at the groan against his skin and comes seconds later, when Jesse’s spasms continue and in his heightened moment, ends up pushing Andrew onto his stomach and moves on top of him, shoving his dick against the sensitive skin.
Jesse rolls off Andrew moments later, a strangled sound falling out through his lips. They lie like that, an absolute mess, trying to breathe normally again, for five minutes longer.
Andrew is the first to speak.
“Well, that went well.”
Jesse takes a deep breath and glances sideways at his boyfriend. His thoughts return drowsily to him, but once he thinks he’s regained something that resembles coherency, he mutters, “Let’s do it again sometime?”
When Andrew’s lips twitch up into the post-orgasm, happy smile that Andrew so often displays, Jesse feels a wave of euphoria wash over him again and he doesn’t think twice before launching himself back onto Andrew.
The evening disappears around them and night-time has truly fallen when Jesse retracts himself from Andrew’s arms. He stumbles to the bathroom, grinning like a lunatic, leaving a very sated, very satisfied, but a very tired Andrew sprawled out over the ruined sheets. Jesse grins at himself in the mirror, brushing his teeth, and he grins to himself when he jumps back onto the bed, forgetting that he usually hates sleeping naked.
A party at Mariah’s next weekend? Sure thing! Being a boyfriend to a boy with fluffy hair and golden skin? You bet! Eighteen years old and unsure about what he’s actually doing with his life? Is he gay, bi, straight, something else? Whatever! Sex with Andrew? Not a -
“Andrew?”
“Mm?” Andrew responds lazily, rubbing circles into Jesse’s palm.
“If we’re going to have sex, we’ll need stuff.”
“Sure…no problem…they sell stuff… at…”
Andrew is asleep before he finishes his sentence and Jesse debates whether he should panic or just sleep.
(buy?)
(where?)
(what?)
(how?)
(oh god)
(and the party…)
He stares at the ceiling.
What does he do? He suddenly wishes he could talk to someone about this - having sex. Is he doing something wrong, in not telling his friends? Kristen?
Kristen.
His best friend.
Jesse frowns. Well, it’s his personal life, right? He tells who he wants, when he wants.
Maybe he’ll talk to Kerri. Or Joe. Talking to Kerri could be incredibly awkward though and - no. He’ll talk to Joe.
(scared)
(fuck)
The blackness circles him, like an old friend, but Jesse grabs Andrew’s hand and glares defiantly around him until he feels it back off.
(scared)
(but)
(andrew…)
It’s Andrew.
It’ll be okay.
************
Jesse sits on the swing, kicking at the ground. When Joe strolls up to him, he looks up with the intent of smiling, but ends up squinting instead because of the sunlight. His arms feel warm.
Joe takes his customary position next to Jesse on the swings.
“Beautiful day, isn’t it!”
Jesse looks around.
“Yeah.”
They sit in comfortable silence until Joe rubs his hands and speaks again.
“Well then! What can I help you with today?”
Jesse takes a deep breath and begins.
“Andrew and I were thinking of having sex and I’m aware that we’re going to need some…supplies and I was wondering if you had any advice or if you’ve, with Patrick - speaking of Patrick, how is he and how are you two? Everything’s going fine? Everything’s fine with me and Andrew, he even convinced me to go to Mariah’s party which is next weekend, on Sunday I think, which is a bit ridiculous, because I mean, really, a Sunday? But you know what happened at Mariah’s a couple of years ago and I didn’t think I’d ever go to a party again, but then I went to Matt’s and I met Andrew and then of course, I never thought I’d end up having a secret boyfriend - well he’s not really a secret to you, but I guess he is to everyone - ”
Joe claps his hands, shocking Jesse out of his word dribble.
“Jesse!”
Jesse clears his throat and rubs his temples.
“Yes?”
“You want to have sex with Andrew?”
Jesse laughs nervously at how bluntly Joe put it, but, yeah. Pretty much. Sex. Making love. Anal penetration. All that.
“Uh, yeah, we’ve discussed that maybe we could try.”
“Great, you’ll love it.”
Joe smiles easily at Jesse’s reddening face.
(okay)
Joe continues. “But you’re right, you’re going to need condoms - I mean, it’s less messy that way in the end - and lube.”
“Lube?”
(okay)
Joe nods.
“It’ll make it easier and hurt less. You’re going to need it. Who’s bottoming?”
Jesse chokes but Joe doesn’t even flinch, merely smiling and waiting for Jesse’s response.
“Ah, Andrew says he wanted to.”
“Okay, well, then, before you start you’re going to need to - ”
“Just tell me where I can buy the stuff.”
Jesse can figure out how to actually…do it by himself. He’d rather not sit in the middle of a park and discuss sex with Joe when there are children running around on the oval.
Joe laughs, non-fazed.
“Chemist’s. Go to the one on the main road, they have the best stock.”
Jesse nods and thinks he should probably set out to buy that now, before he goes home, but one last question -
“How do I recognize lube?”
************
Jesse ducks his head when he walks into the local chemist’s, trying to avoid being noticed, but the stupid door has a bell and the elderly man at the register looks up at him, smiling, when he enters the store.
Fucking hell.
He disappears into the first aisle he sees and takes a slow breath. He glances at his phone, purposely opening up the text he’d received from Andrew ten minutes ago.
From Andrew:
You sure you’re okay with buying the stuff? Well, okay.
And Jesse - next Saturday? Sounds good ;)
Jesse smiles to himself, feeling a little giddy. It’s okay. Right now, he is a customer, and he’s just here to buy something he needs. That’s all.
(okay)
Jesse takes a moment to look around him. It appears he stepped into the hair product aisle. A girl around his age looks up at him when he tries to sidle past her, and glares when he knocks into her.
“Sorry.” He mutters.
She huffs and returns to scouring the shelves.
He frowns to himself and trots down to the end of the aisle, peering into the one next to it.
Make-up.
Not quite what he needs…
Jesse ends up wandering up and down each aisle. He makes sure to stare intently at the contents of the shelves, but he just can’t find the condoms! Or lube. Joe said that they’d be here but he can’t -
“Hello, young man, can I help you?”
The old man from the register is smiling kindly at Jesse.
“Ah - what? No. I mean - it’s okay - ”
“If sir is interested, I’d like to direct him to this aisle over here…”
The old man leads Jesse gently over to an aisle near the back of the store that Jesse is sure he looked in, but apparently he didn’t, because now he is staring a whole shelf dedicated to condoms and other sex related things.
“Is this what you were looking for?” The old man asks.
“Um.”
Jesse flushes and hunches his shoulders. The old man chuckles and pats Jesse on the back, before shuffling off.
(breathe)
(breathe)
Okay, so now he’s here, he might as well - condoms, okay, just choose -
Jesse frowns. Why are there so many different types? He peers closely at one of the boxes. Ribbed? What’s that? His frown deepens when he picks up a box that says scented on the front. He feels a person brush past him and he hastily puts the box back on the shelf, staring at his feet until he’s sure he’s alone again.
Andrew had asked if Jesse wanted him to come with him, but Jesse had declined. He thought it’d had been even more awkward, but now he kind of wishes Andrew was here with him. Why is there so much choice!?
Not wishing to draw out the decision any longer, Jesse closes his eyes and blindly plucks a box off a shelf and it’s only when he’s turned around and has started marching off to the register, that he realizes he needs to buy lube too.
Lube.
Joe had said it was for ‘lubrication’, because pre-come generally wasn’t enough to lubricate…down there…
He returns to the shelf, but can’t see anything that could be lube.
Another person brushes past him, but actually stops close to him. Jesse’s hands begin to shake, clutching the box of condoms, and in a low level of desperation, Jesse actually crouches down to pretend he’s tying up his shoes, despite the fact that his shoes have no laces.
It’s when he’s down there that he notices the bottom shelf, filled with, what he’d previously thought to be male wash products or something, containers that are labelled ‘personal lubrication’. He swipes the largest bottle and springs up, nearly knocking the person next to him, before hurrying back to the register, eager to get the fuck out of the store.
But there’s a queue.
Jesse fidgets, waiting for the woman in front of him with the crying baby to hurry up and purchase the damn perfumes whilst he tries to hide the box and bottle underneath his jacket without looking like he’s trying to steal them. He glances around. Clearly he’s not trying to steal anything, if he’s standing in the queue, right?
Finally the woman leaves and he steps up to the register, avoiding the elderly man’s eyes. He pushes his choices onto the counter quickly and is relieved when the shop owner merely states the price and accepts the note Jesse passes to him.
“Would you like a bag?”
Jesse looks up and the old man has a gentle smile on his face. He nods slightly in response and forces himself to stop fidgeting when the bag is handed to him.
“Thank-you, and have a good evening!”
Jesse can’t get out of there fast enough.
************
After dinner Jesse returns to his room, checking his hiding-spot for the plastic bag to make sure no one has accidentally discovered it.
Satisfied that his family have no idea of what he bought, he locks his door and sits himself down at his laptop, opening up his internet browser and then Google.
So, next Saturday he’s going to be…topping - is that the right expression? - and this is no role that he’s practised at before. He’s going to be actually penetrating Andrew and considering that he has no idea how to do that, really, he thinks he needs some pointers - and not from Joe.
Jesse types in ‘how to have anal sex’ and presses enter. He giggles to himself nervously when he clicks open a random link…a forum’s thread, with adults discussing anal sex. After scanning the first couple of posts, he discovers that there are women talking on the thread too, and he mentally chastises himself for thinking that it’d be only men.
“Duh.” He mutters under his breath. Women enjoy anal sex, too.
Trying not to squeak, Jesse begins to read a long post written by a man who has been enjoying anal sex with his wife for years.
‘use A LOT OF LUBRICATION and take it SLOWLY’
Okay, seems pretty straightforward.
‘preferably silicone-based lubricant’
Jesse jumps up and pulls out the bottle he’d hidden at the back of his bookcase, relieved to find that in his haste, he’d managed to choose a silicone-based lubricant anyway.
“Why does it matter?” Jesse wonders out loud, moving back to his seat. He pauses when he hears Hallie Kate run to her room, but soon resumes his ‘research’.
‘water-based lubricants dry out easily and make things stickier than they need to be’
All right, seems fair.
Then Jesse comes to something which makes him squirm and feel momentarily uncomfortable.
‘the receiver should have a good, complete bowel movement (I recommend about at least an hour before)’
Right. There’s that to think about. Guess I should mention that to Andrew, he thinks. He quickly moves on to the next paragraph.
‘it is good to start by using a finger’
Jesse squeaks despite himself, remembering that gay porn video he’d watched a while back. But the poster is right, and though Jesse has had no experience with anal sex, there is some part of him that instinctively knows he’s not about to go carelessly shove his dick inside Andrew, even with a lot of lube.
“So this is the preparation…” Jesse muses, leaning slightly closer to the screen. He reads through the paragraph for ten minutes, thankful for the careful instructions. Jesse stares at his nails, deliberating for a few seconds, before minimizing the browser window and shutting his laptop.
He pads out to the top of the stairs and yells out, “Mom! Where are the nail clippers?”
His mother replies, “In the bathroom, second drawer!”
Jesse returns from the bathroom with freshly clipped nails, just in case.
He ends up reading through the whole forum, secretly amused by the responses. At first he feels embarrassed, but the more he reads, the more he understands and the more he understands, the more prepared he feels.
‘at the end of the day, it is supposed to feel good between you and your partner, so when you are on top, remember to look in their eyes’
Jesse smiles lazily at that comment.
(andrew)
(beautiful)
(eyelashes)
‘it is a very special thing for a person to give you consent for anal sex, so don’t blow it!’
Yeah, special. Andrew is special. Andrew is really special.
Jesse deletes his browser history and turns the laptop off, content at what he’s learned. There’s a nervous energy inside him, thinking about what he and Andrew will try out next week, but it is accompanied by an overwhelming amount of anticipation and…love?
(andrew…)
(it’s okay if you love him, jesse)
He lies down on his bed, staring at a photo of Andrew that he’d secretly taken on his phone. Jesse remembers this lunchtime fondly- he’d managed to capture Andrew mid-laugh, eyes squeezed shut and a wild grin on his face. Rob is next to him, laughing as well.
(everyone fucking laughs at me)
Jesse’s eyes harden.
Andrew is so beautiful and genuine and no one has the right to laugh at Andrew, ever.
(is is really okay that i might love andrew?)
He’s still staring at the photo when the phone begins to ring in his hands, indicating that Kristen wants to talk to him. He curls onto his side and answers her call.
(yes it is)
************
It’s lunchtime and Andrew won’t stop catching Jesse’s eye from across the table. Jesse returns each glance warily, aware of their friends around them. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow they’re going to try…sex.
“So I hear Jesse’s coming to Mariah’s on Sunday!” JT exclaims, slapping Jesse on the back enthusiastically. Jesse winces and Kristen scowls at JT, who just shrugs, muttering, “What?”
Emma flings an arm around Jesse’s shoulders and says fondly, “Right, and everything’s going to be awesome. Anyway, Armie, tell us about that thing you told me about on the phone the other day…”
Armie graciously steers the focus away from Jesse, smiling at him quickly before launching into a story Jesse only half listens to.
Andrew and his fucking eyes!
Jesse looks down at his empty tray but looks up again when he feels a hand on his arm. Joe is standing next to him.
“Jesse? Want to come outside for a bit?”
Joe glances over at Andrew and Andrew nods his head, like he’s giving permission, or something. Jesse feels a dull spot of resentment at the action, but before he can dwell on it, Joe is pulling him to the cafeteria doors.
On their way out, they pass Patrick, and Joe stops, letting his hand brush over Patrick’s hair. Jesse catches softness in Patrick’s eyes and Patrick’s friends don’t even look puzzled, or anything, merely amused. Joe winks and Patrick blushes and Jesse stands awkwardly, waiting for the moment to finish.
Patrick pushes at Joe and Joe laughs. Patrick’s friends don’t even bat an eye! Jesse wonders. At this point, Jesse thinks they might have at least become a little suspicious, but they just smile happily at Patrick and Joe.
They eventually make it outside and Joe sits Jesse down on the bench he usually sits on with Andrew.
“What’s up, Joe?”
Joe studies Jesse’s face, like he’s trying to figure out how to say what he wants, and Jesse just waits. He can see Andrew inside the cafeteria watching them and Jesse ducks his head.
(tomorrow)
“How are you, Jesse?” Joe finally asks. He purses his lips.
“I’m okay? Why?”
Joe leans closer.
“Was it Andrew who convinced you to come on Sunday?”
Jesse coughs and shuffles his feet.
“Maybe. Why? Why is everyone making a big deal out of this?”
Joe looks uncomfortable and Jesse regrets snapping at him. It’s just - the whole week people have been making comments about it, even people who aren’t his friends. It’s weird and annoying.
“Well, because of what happened - ”
“That was years ago and I’m older now.” Jesse says stubbornly. He’s a changed person, now. He’s got a boyfriend and he’s going to have sex with him tomorrow. That’s a big deal, you know. A big deal for Jesse, anyway.
Jesse continues.
“You know, Joe, I’ve changed a lot in the past couple of months. I think it’s senior year. I’m older and I’ve had more…experiences and what happened at Mariah’s all those years ago was unfortunate, but I’m a different person now. I can handle it.”
When Joe doesn’t respond, Jesse adds, “Despite what everyone thinks, I’m not a kid that needs to be babied.”
Joe just looks at Jesse like he’s unsure whether to believe him. Jesse frowns and looks back at Andrew, who is still watching them. Joe follows Jesse’s gaze.
“You know, Jesse, maybe you think senior year is what happened that changed you, but I think it’s actually Andrew that happened.”
When Andrew sees Joe’s looking back at him, he turns his head and glances around furtively, before striking up a conversation with Rob.
They remain quiet for a while, the sounds of younger kids yelling and running buzz around instead, keeping them company in their moment of silence.
Jesse thinks about what Joe said. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s pretty sure Joe is right. Andrew has changed him. Jesse reflects back on the way he was last September, worried and insecure about his schoolwork, his future, his purpose. Hesitant to acknowledge his feelings, doubtful of himself and the people around him.
He stares at Joe, who’s watching the game in front of them. He wasn’t even that close to Joe, back in September. A friend he’d known for years, yes, but not particularly close. Comfortable around him, but not someone he’d share really personal thoughts to. And why not? Jesse feels glum for a moment. Probably because he never bothered to actually try. He was always pretty reserved, and it’s a miracle he got as close to JT and Kristen as he has.
Joe feels Jesse’s gaze and he turns his head to match Jesse’s stare. His mouth twitches up into a small smile.
Jesse smiles back and says, “But yeah. It was Andrew who convinced me. I told you that, didn't I?”
Joe laughs - “Oh yeah!” - and Jesse laughs along with him. Joe suddenly stops and cocks his head at Jesse, murmuring, “You know what, buddy? It’s been a really long time since you’ve had a panic attack.”
(darkness settling in his bones)
(no)
(andrew)
(and jesse)
(together)
(thanks to joe)
Jesse shrugs.
Joe smiles again, but secretly this time. He smiles with his eyes and Jesse has the inexplicable urge to hug Joe and so he does. He leans forward and wraps his arms around Joe’s neck and rests his chin on his back, looking down at the gravel behind the bench. Joe’s arms slowly come up to return the hug and Jesse feels - happy.
“Thanks for everything, Joe.” Jesse mumbles.
(happy)
(safe)
(powerful)
“Hey, I didn’t even do anything.” Joe chuckles.
Jesse pulls back and grins.
“Learn to accept a thank-you.”
So Joe flushes and murmurs his thank-you. Jesse is pleased.
The air gets a little thick between them, so Jesse cuts through it before the moment drags out too long.
“Are you and Patrick still…you know…a secret?”
It’s Joe’s turn to shrug now.
“I guess? I don’t like to think of us as a secret though. We’re just quiet about our relationship. Even though…”
He bends forward and whispers, “Patrick said that if he’s feeling confident, we can come out at Mariah’s party. Or the week after Mariah’s party, or something. Either way, soon.”
There is excitement written all over Joe’s face and something stirs in Jesse’s stomach. Jesse wants to ignore it, and deem it a buzz of happiness for his friend, or simply his lunch beginning to be digested, but he knows it’s not that.
Jesse glances back at the cafeteria. Andrew is leaning against Rob, watching Emma talk with her hands.
(soon)
(very soon)
He realizes that Joe is still speaking.
“…nervous but whatever, this is who I am, and I’ve wanted this for so long, ever since we first had - speaking of which, Jesse? Are you still driving on V-plates?”
Incredulous, is the only way to describe Jesse’s expression.
“V-plates? Seriously?”
Joe turns bright red and laughs at himself.
“It’s something I heard JT use once. All right - all right, Jesse stop looking at me like that.”
Jesse puts a hand over his mouth, but really, V-plates?
Joe shakes his head and looks down at his feet, but a smile tugs at his lips and Jesse is inclined to answer him anyway.
“Yes, I am still driving on V-plates.”
Joe looks up and Jesse adds, “But I won’t be soon.”
There’s a burst of commotion from one side of the court - one of the kids has fallen over. In amongst the loud disorder, Joe and Jesse have a quick, whispered conversation about Jesse’s supplies.
“Yes, I bought cond - yes. And that too. Yes.”
“You sure you’re ready?”
“Why not? I reckon we are.”
(four months?)
(well…)
“Don’t forget to do preparation - like, use your fingers or if you’re feeling adventurous, put your tongue in his -”
“I think lunch’s over, thanks Joe.”
Joe nods and they stand up. Patrick appears at the entrance to the cafeteria and Jesse watches Joe saunter over to the blonde, who just laughs at his boyfriend.
Jesse can’t help his smile.
************
Andrew towels down his legs.
Jesse is a bundle of nerves as he watches Andrew get dressed. Jesse’s been a bundle of nerves all morning, actually, and Hallie Kate had noticed.
When Andrew had walked over to Jesse earlier to retrieve his bag - and his boyfriend - Hallie Kate was quick to get out of the pool too, to say to Andrew, “Something’s up his butt and I don’t know what it is. Is there something up yours, too?”
Jesse had choked on his saliva and Andrew had laughed so hard, Hallie Kate had actually looked shocked. In fact, Andrew had not stopped laughing even as the moment passed and they were now in the change-room together.
The sound of Andrew’s laugh is something Jesse, theoretically, likes to hear everyday, but there is a particularly angry looking man in the corner glaring at them both.
“Andrew, please.”
“What’s up my butt! Ha-ha!”
“Andrew.”
“If only she knew!”
Jesse squirms and says very quietly, “There won’t be anything up your butt tonight if you don’t shut the fuck up right now.”
Andrew’s laughing immediately ceases and his face becomes a billboard for anxiousness.
“I’m sorry Jess, I - ”
Jesse waves it off.
“Shut up. Just get dressed and let’s get out of here. I don’t like the look of angry man at two o’ clock.”
Andrew’s expression shifts into that of cheekiness and he makes a point about glancing around the change-room with hunched shoulders and a small smirk playing at his lips.
Jesse sighs and tries not to roll his eyes, though he supposes he’s secretly relieved that Andrew is acting like an idiot. It’s better than Andrew acting nervous, considering that Andrew is well aware of their plans for tonight.
When they finally make their way out of the school, the streets are empty and Jesse takes Andrew’s hand.
(beautiful)
(why not)
(does it matter?)
Even if people see them, what’s the big deal? Girls hold hands all the time, does it matter if two boys are seen holding hands?
It shouldn’t matter, especially when Andrew returns the gesture with that smile.
“What are you thinking about?” Jesse asks, swinging their clasped hands between their bodies, clutching at his bag with the other.
Andrew grins and reaches over to pat Jesse’s bag. He then taps his nose and casually looks up at the sky, murmuring, “Ah, nothing.”
He casts a sidelong glance at Jesse, waiting for a reaction. Jesse just snorts, muttering “Really? How boring.”
But Andrew probably doesn’t miss the light that dances across Jesse’s eyes and Jesse definitely doesn’t miss the sparkle in Andrew’s.
************
NEXT