fic: come in closer (i want you to) [12b/?]
“So.”
Andrew locks the door and kicks at the futon.
“So.”
Jesse responds, fiddling with his bag’s straps. He’s sitting on the bed, in his pyjamas, in Andrew’s room. The light’s still on.
Andrew takes a deep breath, but his exhale is shaky.
“Should I - uh - the ceiling light?”
“Yes, yes, just, yeah, turn it off.”
Andrew flicks the switch and Jesse stays still as Andrew blunders over to the lamp, turning it on. Jesse watches as Andrew shuffles over to his window, peering through the curtains.
“It’s dark.” Andrew states.
“Yes.”
Andrew laughs for no reason and spins so he’s leaning against the wall next to the window. He smiles nervously at Jesse and Jesse’s heart flips.
Andrew dips his head at the bag on the bed and clears his throat.
“The stuff’s in there, then?”
And Jesse thinks that was a rather pointless thing to say, considering that Andrew knows that, yes, the stuff’s in the bag.
(butterflies)
Jesse nods anyway, and just because it’s something to do, takes the plastic bag out, and leans over to put his bag down on the floor at the end of the bed. The plastic crackles and Andrew actually flinches at the sound. Jesse frowns.
(is he…?)
(four months…)
“Andrew, if you don’t want to we don’t - ”
“No, no, I’m good. We’re fine. Fun. It’s going to be. Yes. We’re going to have…sex.”
But he makes no movement towards Jesse and Jesse is still put-off by Andrew’s behaviour. He tries again.
“Andrew? I’m not sure that - ”
“No, no. We’re fine. Look.”
And now Andrew shuffles over to Jesse and sits next to him at the edge of the bed. His smile is timid, though. Jesse puts his hand on Andrew’s thigh and turns so he can rest his forehead on Andrew’s.
“I’m serious. We don’t have to do this.”
(it has only been four months)
“But I want to.” Andrew whispers.
(andrew)
(okay)
Jesse pulls back to look at Andrew properly but after a few moments Andrew surges forwards and kisses Jesse. When Jesse rests his arms over Andrew’s shoulders, Andrew relaxes. They kiss easily, calming each other down.
Jesse breaks it off first.
(talk to him)
“Remember what you said about talking about how we feel?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I wanted to remind you that I really like you.”
“I really like you too.”
“And what we’re about to do is special and I would only do it with you.”
“Same.”
Jesse stares at Andrew and Andrew holds his gaze steadily. Eventually, he nods, and shuffles back to lie down. Jesse brackets Andrew with his arms, accidentally knocking the plastic bag off the bed, and they start kissing again. Andrew’s hands stray underneath Jesse’s shirt and soon enough, Jesse is pulling his shirt off, letting it fall to the floor beside him. Jesse tugs Andrew’s shirt off, too, and he kisses Andrew’s collarbone, moving down Andrew’s chest slowly. He leaves light kisses, trailing down, until he reaches Andrew’s pants.
(four months?)
He feels Andrew’s hand in his hair and he looks up. Andrew bites his lip and nods, so Jesse starts to pull off Andrew’s pants, until Andrew is left naked, save for his briefs.
“You know, I don’t know how many of your briefs or jocks or whatever I have back at home.”
Andrew giggles and Jesse thinks his muscle un-tense a little, which is good.
Jesse mouths at Andrew’s hardening bulge and peels away the underwear. He starts to take Andrew’s erection into his mouth, but Andrew stops him.
“Don’t worry about that tonight, Jess. Let’s just…you know.”
So Jesse obliges. He stands up, removing his pants and underwear, until it’s just Jesse standing naked before Andrew. They gaze at each other momentarily, before Jesse moves so he’s hovering over Andrew again. He leans down and kisses Andrew gently on the lips but Andrew pulls away and murmurs, “I’m okay, Jess.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s just…let’s do this.”
Jesse stands up again, to pick up the fallen plastic bag. He sits at the end of the bed and takes out the box and bottle.
“Wow, I never thought I’d be this nervous.” Jesse tries to say conversationally, but his gut is seriously churning and his heart is beating so loudly he’s worried Roger and Jenny will hear it.
“Neither.” Andrew admits. “Though that time with the girl, I was a lot more nervous. I didn’t feel safe, with her. I feel safe with you.”
“That’s good.”
“Here, let me see the bottle.”
Andrew sits up and Jesse chucks over the bottle, which Andrew catches. Whilst Andrew examines the lube, Jesse opens the box of condoms, but it’s then that he remembers.
“Uh, Andrew.”
Andrew looks up.
“Yeah?”
“When did you last…um…”
“What is it?”
“Whendidyoulastgotothetoilet?”
Andrew blinks at him.
“When did I what?”
(‘bowel movement’)
Jesse closes his eyes and asks again, “When did you last go…tothetoilet?”
There’s a pause, but he hears realization dawn on Andrew.
“Oh.”
Jesse cracks an eye open. Andrew seems to be thinking.
“Well. A couple of hours ago. After dinner? What time is it?”
And Andrew actually gets off the bed to find his phone.
“Yeah, a couple of hours ago. And I had a shower, remember? I cleaned myself really well… Is that - will that be okay?”
Jesse nods and says quietly, “Yeah. I think so.”
Andrew hands Jesse the lube and lies back down on the bed. Jesse stares at the bottle in his hands.
(‘use your fingers’)
(put your tongue in -)
(no)
“Okay. I’m going to put some of this stuff on my finger and then I’m going to…”
Andrew flings an arm over his eyes, but responds, “Yes, yeah. I read about it too.”
Jesse breaths out a sigh of relief.
“You read some things, too?”
“Yeah?”
“Nothing, that’s just - good.”
So Jesse puts the box of condoms to the side and unscrews the lid of the bottle. He tries to squeeze a small amount of the lube onto his fingers, but instead of a small amount, a huge dollop comes out and starts running down his hand.
“Fuck!”
Andrew sits up.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Lie back down.”
Andrew does and Jesse tries to screw the lid back on with one hand. He doesn’t manage, so he just puts that to the side, with the condoms, too.
He settles over Andrew and stares down at Andrew’s dick. It’s half-hard.
“Are you sure about this, Andrew?”
“Yes but if you keep asking me, I might not be.”
“Okay.” Jesse says hurriedly.
Should they be doing this right now? He wants to, doesn’t he? And Andrew does too, they’re both just - nervous. Yes. Nervous and it’s their first time and they’re both boys, so no doubt, this is kind of scary.
(four months…)
Jesse closes his eyes and puts his hand underneath Andrew’s balls. Andrew jerks back.
“Your hands are cold!” He giggles, and the sound is encouraging.
“Sorry.”
“Just go. I want to know what it feels like.”
Jesse takes a breath and feels around for Andrew’s hole. He finds it easy enough, but Andrew flinches again when Jesse’s lubricated finger accidentally slips in a little.
“Sorry.”
“Stop saying sorry! Don’t you always say that to me?”
“Yes, yes, sorry.”
“Now, then!”
Jesse chuckles when Andrew does and a bit of the tension in the room dissipates.
“Put it in slowly.”
Andrew bends his knees and Jesse stares down at where he is slowly inching his finger into Andrew’s hole. Fucking hell. He’s actually putting his finger into Andrew’s ass. Wow.
It’s sliding in easy enough, but when half of it’s in, Andrew breathes out stop.
Jesse does.
He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, Andrew with his arm over his eyes and Jesse with half his finger in Andrew’s ass. Thank god the door’s locked.
“Okay, more.”
Jesse continues and then his whole pointer finger is inside Andrew’s ass, right up to the knuckle.
Fucking hell!
Jesse glances down at his dick, and he’s not even that hard. Well, he’ll have time later, he thinks.
“How does it feel?” Jesse asks.
“Weird. It just feels like you stuck your finger up my ass.”
Then Jesse experiences the most curious sensation he’s ever felt thus far. Andrew’s ass clenches around his finger and Jesse has to stop himself from just yanking his finger out again.
“Woah!”
“What?”
“Nothing. Do I add a second finger?”
Andrew makes a sound that at first sounds like non-committal, but he also adds a soft okay, so Jesse goes with it. First, however, he reaches over for the lube, which, yeah, it was a good idea he didn’t get the lid back on. He squeezes some more onto his finger and knuckle and around Andrew’s hole. Andrew is squirming a little and it’s kind of awkward, with his finger just…inside.
(it’s okay)
(right?)
“I’m putting the second one in, now.”
And Jesse supposes putting the middle finger in next to the pointer is the best call of action, so he tries to slide it, but it’s a little difficult. It gets past the first initial rings of muscle, but then he’s met with a bit of resistance.
“Andrew, relax.”
“When is this supposed to feel good?”
Jesse starts pulling his fingers out but Andrew quickly says, “No, don’t, continue, I’m okay.”
(four months)
So he starts pushing his middle finger back in again, against the resistance, and it begins to slide in. It’s a bit tight, but the lubricant is making it considerably easier, he guesses. Jesse glances up at Andrew. Even though Andrew’s got an arm flung across his eyes, Jesse can see beads of sweat trailing down his face and from his temples.
“Andrew?”
Andrew squeaks in response and when he shifts, Jesse’s fingers are pulled along. The muscles clench around his fingers again and Jesse is becoming increasingly worried.
(four months)
“I think you’re supposed to take them out and then put them back in again.” Andrew mumbles, shuddering when Jesse tries to wiggle his fingers.
“Okay.”
And he slowly removes his fingers, wincing because Andrew does too.
It doesn’t really seem like something enjoyable, to be honest.
Andrew takes a deep breath and wipes away the sweat that has collected on his upper lip.
Jesse inspects his fingers. They look okay.
“Are you going to put them back in again?”
“You want me to?”
Andrew half-shrugs.
“Put more stuff on your fingers, though?”
“Okay.”
He pours more lube onto his fingers, accidentally getting some on the bed in the process. Andrew’s dick is barely hard anymore and Jesse bites his lip, furrowing his brow. Is this a good idea, after all?
“Come on, Jess.”
So Jesse starts putting both his fingers back into Andrew, a bit quicker this time, the excessive lubrication coming in handy. Andrew makes no sound and Jesse doesn’t know whether to take that as a good sign or not. He puts his other hand on Andrew’s thighs and runs his hand up and down over the golden skin, stopping when he gets to Andrew’s hip. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to the hipbone and Andrew’s hand finds it way into Jesse’s curls. Jesse looks up.
Andrew is smiling timidly down at him.
“Are you okay, Andrew? We can stop.”
Andrew purses his lips and his eyes dart around the room. Jesse is completely ready to just stop - it’s all up to Andrew.
“No, continue. Maybe you should, um, try to bend your fingers or something? You’re trying to find my…prostate, right?”
Jesse blinks a few times.
“Right.”
He actually had no clue, but when he thinks about it, the man’s prostate was mentioned in passing on that forum. Jesse looks down at where his fingers would be and tries moving them apart, but it’s unbelievably tight and so, incredibly difficult. Andrew makes no movement and Jesse tries again, forcing his fingers in what may be considered a scissoring action but Andrew will not stop clenching and it just feels strange.
“It’s weird, when you do that.” Jesse mutters.
“Sorry.”
Jesse is quick to rebut him.
“Don’t say sorry! This is supposed to feel good for you, Andrew, I’m sorry I suck at this - ”
“Don’t worry. I’m okay.” Andrew murmurs, but Jesse also catches the soft I think uttered seconds later.
Jesse tries crooking his fingers instead and is rewarded with a small whimper from Andrew.
“What?”
Andrew shakes his head slightly.
“I don’t know, it kind of felt - it felt different. Try it again?”
Jesse does but Andrew just grunts.
“Was that…?”
“I don’t know, maybe we should - Jess - ”
“Yep, okay.”
Jesse removes his fingers as gently as he can and again inspects them. Andrew laughs, though it sounds more like a shudder, however when Jesse stands up to go wash his hands Andrew says, “Wait.”
Jesse pauses, half off the bed, half on.
“Yeah?”
“Aren’t you going to…do it now?”
“Do what?”
“Put a condom on and…yeah.”
Oh.
What?
Really?
Andrew holds his arms out and Jesse goes to lie on top of him, pressing himself down onto Andrew and resting his face on Andrew’s shoulder. Andrew’s hands move back to Jesse’s hair, playing with the curls; slow and languid movements, soothing for both of them. Jesse can feel Andrew’s heartbeat against his chest.
It betrays how Andrew is really feeling.
“We don’t have to do this right now.” Jesse murmurs into Andrew’s skin.
“But I want to.” Andrew replies, tremors running through his voice.
“Are you sure?”
Jesse lifts his head to look at Andrew, but he can’t read his expression.
“I’ll tell you to stop if I want you to.”
Jesse isn’t so sure about that.
(four months?)
Andrew insists though, reaching over to grab the box of condoms, which he shoves into Jesse’s face.
Jesse sits back onto the bed and looks down at his penis. It’s not erect.
“Um, Andrew? I can’t put a condom on a soft dick, can I?”
The sides of Andrew’s eyes crinkle and his cheeks lift and the laugh that spills out through his lips is the most comforting sound he has heard all night.
“Come here.”
And Jesse throws himself back onto Andrew, grinding his hips down and licking at Andrew’s mouth. Andrew moans and oh, how Jesse’s missed that sound. Jesse smiles into the kiss and Andrew wraps his leg around Jesse’s leisurely, rubbing his foot down the back of Jesse’s shin. They spend a few minutes just rocking against each other as they revel in the familiar and comfortable act of just feeling each other up.
Soon enough, Jesse feels Andrew’s erection knock against his own and this is the point he would start kissing down Andrew’s chest, so he lets his instincts take over, trailing his lips down to Andrew’s chin and then to his collarbone, but Andrew stops him.
“No, put a condom on.”
Jesse pauses. Andrew looks at him solemnly but then he grins, so Jesse feels okay again.
He sits back on his hunches and opens the box of condoms, taking out a packet.
Um.
“Am I supposed to use scissors to open this, or something?”
Andrew snickers at him and says, “You’re supposed to use your teeth.”
Jesse frowns.
“Really?”
Andrew just nods so Jesse shrugs and puts the corner of the packet between his teeth.
“Like this?” He sputters and Andrew nods again. Jesse bites down harder and tears the corner of the packet, forming a small hole.
He spits out the corner and peers into the hole.
“You silly boy, let me do it.”
Andrew takes the packet from Jesse, ignoring Jesse’s confused expression. He rips the rest of the wrapping open and delicately picks out the condom, handing it to Jesse.
Jesse stares at it, and then down at his erection.
“You just…roll it on.”
“Yeah - yeah. Okay. I’ll just.”
Rolling it on is easy enough, actually, even though it appears to be lubricated and so is kind of slippery in his hand. When it’s on, he looks at his handiwork proudly.
“There.”
Andrew chuckles and lies back down. It’s probably a good idea to lubricate his dick further, so Jesse pours a generous amount of lube over his dick, and then for good measure, onto Andrew’s ass too. Andrew squirms, but when Jesse glances at him, he looks somewhat comfortable, so Jesse prepares himself, fisting his cock a few times, getting used to the feeling of having a condom on his dick.
Jesse.
Eisenberg.
Has a condom
on
his
dick.
(where else would it be?)
Jesse shakes his thoughts out of his head and moves back over Andrew. Andrew is back to looking worried, though, and Jesse kisses him on the lips quickly, murmuring, “All right?”
Andrew doesn’t reply, he just moves his hand down to hold Jesse’s dick and…okay…okay… he’s positioning it…
Quite possibly, this might be the most terrifying thing Jesse has ever done. He tries to think of past experiences, but he’s unable to think of anything except the way that Andrew smells - sweaty and nervous - and the way that Andrew is trembling underneath him right now.
(andrew)
(okay?)
Andrew bends his knees and move Jesse’s erection so he can feel it nudging at Andrew’s hole.
Oh god.
Jesse is really doing this.
Except…
“Do I just…”
“Yeah, um, press in?”
Andrew’s voice is so quiet
(too quiet)
Jesse is only able to hear the comment because his face is currently pressed against Andrew’s cheek. He readjusts himself so he’s bracketing Andrew properly with his arms and he hangs his head back down, staring into Andrew’s eyes as he slowly nudges his dick inside.
Even before Jesse makes it anywhere in, Andrew whimpers and Jesse stops moving.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Andrew takes a shaky breath and, voice quivering, whispers, “Keep going?”
Jesse’s arms begin to wobble and he tries to push further in, but it is unbelievably tight!
“I don’t know if I can.” He breathes.
Andrew’s arms wrap around Jesse’s torso, clutching desperately to Jesse’s sides. Despite the firm grip, Jesse can feel Andrew’s arms shaking, too.
“Try.” Andrew whimpers.
(four months)
(scared)
Jesse tries, he really does, he locks his elbows and grunts, pushing, nudging, but really, he doesn’t think he can -
“Just shove it in.” Andrew moans and something in his voice makes Jesse snap.
“No.”
But before Jesse can move away, Andrew lifts his legs and presses both his heels into Jesse’s ass, and Jesse feels himself slip in a little further and the heat.
Fuck!
For a few seconds, it feels amazing, but as Jesse gets more than halfway - almost fully in - Andrew whines, a strangled, painful sound.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
Jesse freezes but the whine continues, broken and thin. When Jesse’s eyes focus and he looks down at Andrew, he whimpers with despair. Andrew’s brow is creased and his eyes are squeezed shut - all the beautiful features of his face are tight with worry and discomfit and in that moment Jesse is overcome with the heaviest feeling of guilt.
What does he do?!
“Andrew? Andrew, talk to me, please.”
Andrew audibly swallows and moans faintly, managing the words, “It hurts.”
“I’m pulling out now.”
“No.”
Jesse resists the urge to shake his head, in fear of somehow hurting Andrew further.
“I’m pulling out Andrew, stop - ”
“No, I can do this, I just - ”
Jesse stares at Andrew’s, who’s forced his eyes open and is offering Jesse a shaky smile.
Jesse ignores it.
Inching his way out of Andrew’s ass is considerably easier than inching his way in, but doing it without hurting Andrew is another matter entirely, and Andrew’s eyes go back to being clenched closed when Jesse begins to move back, murmuring under his breath, “It’s okay, we’re okay, I’m just going to - we can cuddle and everything’s going to be - you can read me your newest poem, okay, and I’ll try my best at being romantic - Andrew, I’m so sorry I - ”
Andrew winces and then Jesse realizes he’s pulled completely out.
Feeling relieved, but still not completely at ease, Jesse hovers over Andrew, waiting for Andrew to do something.
(four months)
(too soon)
(too soon)
(fuck)
Andrew’s eyes blink open hazily.
(so beautiful)
(screwed it up…)
Jesse whimpers, leaning down to kisses away the sweat and moisture that’s gathered on Andrew’s eyelashes.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers.
Andrew stays silent.
They lie together, now, surrounded by the glow of the desk lamp and the blackness it can’t reach. Andrew’s arms remain wrapped around Jesse, like he’s clinging for dear life, and Jesse remains buried in Andrew’s neck, breathing carefully. Andrew’s trembles slowly begin to lessen, until Jesse can only feel his own heartbeat, and not Andrew’s, too.
He pulls back.
“All right?”
Andrew exhales.
“I think…so.”
Jesse becomes aware of the condom still on his dick so he rolls off Andrew to sit on the edge of the bed, tugging off the condom and then, because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, tying a knot in it. He sits with it, in his hands.
“You can chuck that in the bin, Jess.”
Andrew sits up behind him and leans against Jesse. He gasps, though.
“What is it?”
“My…I’m sore.”
Jesse’s guilt springs up again and he hangs his head dejectedly, but Andrew kisses him on the shoulder, mumbling, “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?”
He feels Andrew nod against his neck, and then the touch disappears, as Andrew lies back down, gasping softly again. Jesse stands up to chuck the used condom in the bin and after a moment of thinking, grabs a couple of tissues and stuffs that into the bin as well.
It’s probably best to call it a night, now.
“Andrew? Do you want to get dressed?”
But Andrew has already pushed the condom box and lube off the bed and gotten underneath the covers, where currently only a mop of hair is visible.
There’s a muffled sound, and he thinks he’ll take that as a no.
So Jesse ducks around the room, putting their supplies back into the discarded plastic bag and then putting that into his overnight bag. He pulls on underwear and pyjama pants, but decides to forego the shirt for tonight.
Once he’s gone to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, he turns the desk lamp off, stepping over the futon, and slides into bed.
“Andrew?”
Andrew grunts.
“Do you want to talk?” Jesse curls a hand around the back of Andrew’s head and threads his fingers through the hair. He feels, rather than sees, Andrew shake his head.
“Okay.”
(fuck)
“You are my sunshine…” Jesse tries, but Andrew doesn’t respond.
One of Andrew’s hands snakes around Jesse’s waist, though, and the other finds its way into the hand Jesse is resting in between their bodies. Jesse kisses Andrew on the nose quietly and Andrew nuzzles his face under Jesse’s chin. Jesse whispers goodnight, though again, Andrew doesn’t respond, and there is no further sound from either of them.
(don’t know what to do)
(what do i do?)
(fuck)
Jesse falls asleep cursing himself internally, holding onto Andrew like the boy will disappear out of his arms if he doesn’t.
It’s safe to say that he sleeps restlessly that night.
NEXT