fic: come in closer (i want you to) [3/?]
Chapter: iii: i see a darkness - loney, dear/hold me now, till the darkness goes away
Word count: 7400
Author's notes: Thank-you everyone for such kind feedback! I get all these fuzzies and it's ridiclous and thank-you, it really means a lot to me. To anatolia_limb, yes, I do know the song Jesse by Ivri Lider, but I totally forgot about it until you mentioned it! And wow, I've been listening to it repeatedly and now I see the story and Jesse in a whole new perspective and I like it!
Sexy times coming soon, guys, I've been itching to write it but Jesse and Andrew need to get there first XD
Also I want to apologise for the awkward spacing. I keep trying to edit the post but lj is not having it. It looks better on my word document! Or at AO3. But no matter! Thank-you everyone for reading <3
At AO3
Sountrack and title of chapter taken from: i see a darkness - loney, dear
Jesse is trembling and he is walking through the house.
All he wants is to go home and Kristen will understand. She’s never been partial to a tidy room anyway.
Jesse reaches the front room and so that’s where everyone went. Matt is standing in front of the snacks table, surrounded by teenagers whooping and cheering. The room is dark, save for the glower of the candles that light up Matt’s face, which must be in the cake that Jesse cannot see.
He edges around the crowd and is not noticed when he makes a dash for the front door, opening it silently and sneaking out into the night, into the darkness.
Pat pat pat goes his footsteps as he walks out of the front yard and into the street. He fumbles with the catch on the gate and then breathes heavily, reaching into one of the pockets of his jeans. He struggles - these jeans are too tight dammit - but manages to yank his phone out.
Kristen:
sorry had to leave, tell matt happy bday
i can come over tomorrow to help with your room
It’s 10:11.
He hears the front door open and close.
Jesse is trembling and he begins to walk home, home where things make sense and he has his books and maps and he’ll play that geography game with the states -
“Hey! Jesse! Oi! Jess! Stop!”
As if Jesse’s life can’t get any weirder, he turns around and Andrew is following him.
“What are you doing?” he asks because that is all he wants to know. “What are you doing? You can’t just come here and, and, and swim at the swim centre.”
“Isn’t that what swim centres are for?”
Jesse turns back around and no, he’s not doing this. He’s not talking to someone he doesn’t know and accusing them of swimming at swim centres. Idiot. He’s an idiot. But he can hear Andrew’s footsteps, which are getting closer and Jesse is only like, three yards away from the house he tried to leave quickly, but apparently he can’t even do that right without people catching up to him.
Andrew puts a hand on his shoulder and Jesse says again, “What are you doing?”
“Why’d you leave? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I did, people tell me that sometimes I touch too much and I don’t even realize it. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because of me.”
Jesse works very hard not to break into a run.
(of course it isn’t just you, it’s everyone, he touches everyone)
(our friendship, our friendship)
So now Jesse tries weary but happy and he refuses to fail.
He looks Andrew straight in the eye, or what he can see of his eyes anyway.
(the eyes that had recognition, it definitely was recognition, wasn’t it, wasn’t it jesse? andrew knows)
The darkness is engulfing but the outline of Andrew is beautiful nevertheless and Jesse gathers his thoughts (can’t make sense of his thoughts), fakes a yawn (pushes the screaming anxiety away) and offers a cocky smile (don’t wring your hands). “What? No, you didn’t do anything? What? I’m just tired and I kinda want to start walking home before all the shifty people come out to play.”
Andrew makes no sound and Jesse continues, “I’ll see you around. It was great meeting you.”
Satisfied with his performance, he begins walking home, eager for solitude but Andrew is unbelievable.
“I’ll walk with you.”
And no, that isn’t supposed to happen.
“It’s your friend’s 18th, you’re supposed to stay at the party.”
(jesse failed, he always fails)
Jesse walks faster, but Andrew is not fazed, and keeps up easily
(it’s those long legs, andrew’s long, shapely legs)
(connected to those lean thighs)
(which are connected to his -)
He stops and shakes his head brutally and his chest tightens and Jesse wants to claw at his hair
(the way he wants to claw at andrew’s body)
but his hands are shaking too much and Andrew starts asking what’s wrong and Jesse cannot deal with this right now, he has no idea what he’s doing and all he wants is to be alone, is that too much to ask?
Adrenaline is being pumped through his blood, telling his heart to speed up their contractions, telling Jesse to get away, get away! There’s a lump in his throat and that means he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, his blood suddenly feels too hot to be real. And no, he does not want an attack right now but the darkness is so overwhelming, it soaks into Jesse’s skin and into his brain and into his blood and into the vestiges of his soul. His eyes are open but he can’t see anything, only the darkness, only the darkness, only the -
“Jesse. Jesse, please. Jess, Jess. Here, here, come on now."
Is that Andrew’s voice? Sweet Andrew with the laugh and the smile, and the eyes that say I’m not here to hurt you, and the voice which…which…could…be very…the lips which should…whisper into…Jesse’s…ear…
Jesse’s knees buckle.
************
Why did he wear these jeans? They’re seriously not comfortable. Why does he even own them? Ouch, what the hell is that poking into his back?
Jesse feels behind him and it’s a twig sticking through the gaps in the fence he’s leaning against. “Ow.”
Andrew looks up. They’re sitting on the pavement, side by side, and Andrew’s frightened face looks pale in the artificial light of the phone he’s been squinting at.
“Hello.” Jesse’s throat feels very dry. “What are you doing? Why are you trembling?”
Because Andrew is trembling and okay, now Jesse is being coerced into an awkward seated hug.
“Are you okay? I’m so sorry! You’re going to hate me forever now, I caused a panic attack, at least I think it was a panic attack. I’m sorry, Jesse, I’m so sorry, sorry -“
But Jesse cuts him off by being completely out of character and throwing his arms around Andrew’s neck and holding him very, very tightly and oh, Andrew smells good too. He smells very real. He presses his face into the junction between Andrew’s neck and shoulder and he can feel Andrew’s hold on him tightening as well, and they remain like that, two boys who don’t know each other
(but it feels like they do)
shuddering in each other’s arms, surrounded by nightfall. Jesse tells himself he needed to shut Andrew up somehow because Andrew’s voice is dangerously pleasing. And this is (strangely) comfortable anyway.
(it’s comfortable, it’s okay)
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…” Jesse’s voice lapses and it becomes a mumble. He shifts so his chin is leaning on Andrew’s shoulder, and looks up into the sky. There are stars, now. Where did they come from? He realizes Andrew is saying something.
“…it’s okay, Jesse, I’m sorry, I only just met you, I’m sorry.” And Andrew is pulling away from Jesse, and Jesse knows, secretly, he doesn’t want Andrew to be pulling away, but he’s right, they did just meet
(they’ve known each other forever, haven’t they?)
and protocol says this cannot happen.
(this cannot happen yet, or it should not happen, maybe it will happen)
So they stand up and pretend nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. Jesse lets Andrew walk with him and he checks his phone.
From Kristen:
Okay. I’m sorry for leaving you. Are you okay? You missed the cake,
it was red velvet. Are you with Andrew? Rob can’t find him. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Please be okay.
“You should text Rob, he’s wondering where you are.”
“Oh! Yeah, probably. I kind of forgot. Um, was too busy worrying over you. You woke up just as I was getting ready to call an ambulance.” He smiles weakly at Jesse and in the moonlight, the starlight, something resolves inside him. It’s only small, a small resolve, but a resolve nonetheless. The darkness starts to leave.
“Thanks, um, by the way. We can be friends. Let’s be friends. You don’t have to walk with me though, you just left your house and you’ll have to come back.”
“But how will I know that you’ve arrived home safely? Jess, it’s perfectly all right, and yes let’s be friends -“
“Have my number."
(it was inevitable, they were always going to be friends)
Jesse programs his number into Andrew’s phone and Andrew does the same for him and they joke about each other’s surnames and Jesse realizes he’s made a new friend. He looks up at Andrew, who is smiling at him (that soft smile that reaches his eyes). Jesse wonders if he’s experiencing another attack, his head feels light and in the night it’s a little surreal, like he’s floating outside of his body because things don’t just work for him. He doesn’t just make friends with good-looking strangers.
(but apparently he does)
(does andrew?)
“What are you thinking about?” he asks Andrew.
Andrew’s eyes crinkle slightly. “Nothing.”
And Jesse gets the joke. “Really? How boring!” he laughs and Andrew laughs and this is so ridiculous, that this somehow works. He checks his phone again.
“Hey look, it’s past 10:30. I’m going to go home now.”
Andrew nods but looks nonplussed like something is going unsaid between them.
(there is definitely something going unsaid but jesse is ignoring it, cause he still doesn’t know what he’s doing)
Well whatever.
Andrew nods once more and straightens up. Jesse wonders if he’s got a resolve, too. “Text me, please, when you get home. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you.”
And home. Jesse really wants to go home. He blinks at Andrew, chews his lip and offers a small smile, like the ones they used to share at the swim centre, before they were friends
(when they weren’t friends yet but jesse knew they were going to be)
and Andrew responds and suddenly the air is thick between them and Jesse really does need to leave.
“Okay bye!”
Jesse walks away and Andrew doesn’t follow, thank goodness. Like a clichéd novel, or film, or ending, or something, Jesse walks away into the night and thinks my life is not a movie, but I just became friends with the boy at the swim centre.
************
Jesse arrives home at around 10:50 and his parents are surprised.
“Jesse! You didn’t need to walk home in the dark! You could have called, I’d have come and picked you up!” His mom worries and he’s had enough of people worrying about him. He’s eighteen, he can take care of himself
(no you can’t)
and, “Mom, it’s okay. I’ll call you next time, okay? Okay. I just want to sleep.” His mom gathers herself and his dad chuckles and they say goodnight in unison.
Jesse trudges up the stairs to his room and locks the door behind him. He wants to violently shove off all the books from his bed but that would not be nice to the books, and also, he doesn’t want to wake Hallie Kate, whose bedroom is just down the hall from his. Without bothering to turn the ceiling light on, he quietly takes each one and puts away the novels into the tiny bookshelf in the corner, and stacks his schoolbooks near his bag, which rests against the wall. He closes the blinds and makes sure to lock the window. With no moonlight spilling into his room, everything is black.
(not overwhelmed)
He puts his pyjamas on, an old shirt and pants, and falls into bed.
He’s just winding down when his phone beeps and he curses himself for forgetting to turn it off. He is not getting out of bed though. Whoever that was will just have to wait till morning.
Jesse settles further into bed and his thoughts start getting fuzzy and perhaps 10 minutes pass, but the phone beeps again. Jesse grumbles. Where did he leave it? He starts to shuffle to get out of bed but his limbs feel too heavy and he gives up and relaxes back into the safety of his comforter and pillow and he’s falling asleep, he really is when his ringtone starts blaring - one of those obnoxious ones that comes with the phone - oh my god, Hallie Kate will wake up.
It induces an instinctive response, or something, because Jesse literally catapults himself out of bed, whipping the covers off and where the hell did he leave his phone, and then he spots his jeans on the floor, not because he can see the jeans, but because he can see a flashing light in one of the pockets. He scrambles to pull the phone out and is in such a frenzy to stop the noise he accidentally misses the call. He waits for Hallie Kate to wake up (she’d get out of bed or start crying) but nothing happens.
He releases the breath he was holding and gets back into bed. He looks at his phone. One missed call from Andrew Garfield and two texts from Andrew Garfield.
Oh. Woops.
Jesse is staring at his phone vacantly when it starts ringing again. This time he catches it before the crescendo and answers.
“Hello?”
“Jesse! Oh thank god. I waited and waited and you didn’t text and I panicked and I ran out into the street but realized I didn’t know where you lived and then I texted you twice and you didn’t reply and then I called you but someone hung up on me and I thought you’d been kidnapped and oh god, Jesse, you’re not being held captive right now, are you?”
Jesse can’t believe what he’s hearing. Honestly? “Are you even real? No, I just forgot.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
And now he’s on the phone with Andrew. “Where are you?”
“I’m sitting on the pavement outside the house.”
“What, what the hell. Go back inside, forget about me, what are you even…we just met, like, today.”
“And your point is?”
“You’re not a crazy stalker or something, are you? If I had walked home with you today would you have jumped me?” Jesse is tired and this is ridiculous.
“No! Why would you even say that? No! I’m…where are you?”
Jesse shifts. “In bed.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“Were you sleeping?”
No. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
And Jesse really has had enough.
(this could be nice another time)
“Andrew I’m going. Goodnight.”
Jesse hangs up on Andrew as Andrew is apologizing.
He pauses.
Andrew:
thanks for your concern, but im just tired. enjoy the party. night
Turning his phone off, he places it on the bedside table and closes his eyes, wishing for sleep.
************
The next day Jesse had gone to Kristen’s house, as he said he would. As he helped to put away her clothes, she’d told him about the rest of the party. JT and Emma had hooked up on the swinging chair outside, Armie had met a girl called Elizabeth and Joe ended up sitting with a boy called Patrick the entire night. Matt had enjoyed his party, and Kristen had even spotted him cradling a cup of Jesse’s tea whilst talking to Karen Gillan, the girl-model from Scotland.
When asked about Rob, Kristen’s face turned beetroot red, which had looked very unnatural, Jesse thought. Apparently, whilst everyone was leaving at around midnight, Kristen had been saying goodbye to Rob in the darkened hallway and he had taken her in his arms, said I really like you Kristen and then had gently, very gently, put his lips near Kristen’s and it’s okay because Kristen had been the one to actually lean forward and kiss Rob first. So she did want this, Jesse.
Jesse approved, though.
He’d texted JT, saying congrats, and JT had responded with fuk yea i got in!
That had unnerved him and he’d shown the text to Kristen who had said, “It doesn’t mean he got into her pants, Jesse.” So Jesse was cool with it.
Kristen queried about Andrew - he’s cute - and Jesse said he didn’t know that, tell me more. Kristen laughed and asked what they talked about and Jesse said nothing and Kristen huffed.
When Jesse turned on his phone in the morning, he’d received no messages from anyone.
No messages from Andrew.
What did Jesse expect? That night was just an accidental occurrence, nothing more. It was weird and Jesse isn’t entirely sure that the hug actually happened, his head had been in such a weird place at the time, and he probably dreamt it up.
(but andrew had smelt real)
The text messages and phone calls from Andrew were very real though, the evidence was right there on his phone.
As Kristen tidied her closet Jesse had taken refuge in the bed and had looked at the two messages Andrew had sent.
From Andrew:
Jesse are you okay, you home yet? I’m not worried,
just checking up like a good friend x
From Andrew:
Jesse? Jesse? Jesse? Jesse? Jesseeeeeeeee?????
Please answer me!!!!
Jesse stared at the ‘x’ in the first message. Emma sometimes left an ‘x’ at the end of her text messages. He had scrolled through his inbox until he found one from her.
From Emma:
jesse eisenBERG i know ur with kristen so tell her her fones w me
btw i luvvvv yoU! kisses xxxxxxxxx
Yeah, he’d thought as much. The ‘x’ was a kiss.
Showing the text from Andrew to Kristen wasn’t a good idea though. This is because the following happened:
“Why was Andrew worried about you?”
“Um, I had a panic attack when he was with me.”
“You what!? Why didn’t you tell me, Jesse?”
“Wasn’t a big deal, Andrew was with me.”
“Okay, okay. Yeah. Wait, you barely know the guy.”
“Yeah?”
“He said ‘like a good friend’ and then added a kiss, isn’t that a bit weird?
Jesse tensed.
“You kissed Rob.”
“I know…but I know him.”
“I met Andrew yesterday. We’re friends now.”
“I know, he just seems a bit forward.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kristen ignored the question. “What happened after the attack?”
Uh oh. “He…I don’t remember.”
“Did you drink anything last night?”
“No.”
“He didn’t spike your drink or something, did he?”
Jesse was shocked that she could even suggest that, not after -
“I mean, I know he’s one of Rob and Matt’s friends, and Carey is sweet too, but you just met the guy and he’s sending you kind of crazy texts and I wasn’t going to tell you this because I know it’d freak you out, but a bit after we did the cake he reappeared from nowhere and started asking me questions about you, which I didn’t answer cause, you know, we don’t know him and I know how you value your privacy.”
“What? He did what?”
“Yeah, I know, and he wasn’t there for the cake, and neither were you, but I didn’t put two and two together until you showed me those texts. No, Jesse, breathe, you’re fine.”
Jesse breathed and spoke very carefully.
“Kristen, he’s a cool guy. I don’t know why you think he’s crazy, because he isn’t, but thank-you for not answering any questions about me. I didn’t have anything to drink, and even if I did, he would not have spiked it or whatever. He’s one of Rob’s best friends, I don’t think he’s like that.”
Kristen started to protest but Jesse shook his head and she relented.
“I’m sorry, Jesse. I know, I overreacted. I’m sorry, please look at me?”
He did.
“Ever since that incident in freshman year…”
Jesse didn’t want to remember, but he relived the moment in his mind’s eye anyway. Mariah’s birthday party - the first, and pretty much only party Jesse went to that wasn’t one of his friend’s - and there were no parents around, and everyone was trying out underage drinking. Jesse quietly had found apple juice in the kitchen’s fridge and was sipping it cautiously when he’d heard JT being harassed by some juniors who had crashed the party. After returning from getting his shins kicked, he’d taken a large gulp of his apple juice and promptly fell to the kitchen floor, convulsing. His head was spinning and he felt his face getting hot, then cold, then hot, and his legs wouldn’t stay still and when Kristen had seen him she’d started screaming. An ambulance was called and the paramedics said something about ‘allergic reaction’ and ‘lucky’.
Kristen hugged him - “I shouldn’t have brought it up.” - and that was that.
Jesse sits at his desk on Sunday night and thinks about the fear he saw in Kristen’s eyes.
************
“Kristen! Hey!” Rob calls from across the corridor. Jesse looks up. Rob is weaving through the horde of teenagers to get to Kristen’s locker. Andrew is following behind him.
Jesse moves out of the way and Rob leans against the locker next to Kristen’s and smiles down at her. “Hey.” They smile at each other and Rob leans down to kiss her. It’s the Wednesday after the party and they are officially dating. Cool.
“Hey, Jesse.”
Andrew gives a small wave. Jesse returns it. He can do this, he thinks. Just be normal.
“Glad we caught you at the start of lunch. Where do you normally sit?”
Jesse frowns. “The cafeteria? Where the food is?” So he supposes they’ll be sitting with them now.
Rob and Kristen sidle up to the pair and Andrew looks uncomfortable. “I usually bring my food from home, so…” And Jesse finds this very endearing.
“You can eat your food in the cafeteria with us.”
The four teenagers move through to the cafeteria, to the table where Armie and Emma are already sitting. It’s noisy and Jesse doesn’t particularly like it in the cafeteria, but it’s where they’ve always sat, so he doesn’t complain. Rob and Kristen sit together, next to Emma. Jesse sits next to Armie, who is opposite Emma, and Andrew plops down next to Jesse with a grin. Armie looks half asleep in his seat. Emma scowls and pushes her tray towards Jesse. “I got too much. Have mine. You need to eat anyway.” She pinches his cheek and pulls a face. “See? There is like, nothing to pinch.”
He feels a prodding in his side and - Andrew is poking him?
“I agree. When I first saw him I thought ‘I bet I could feel his ribs easily’ and I was right!”
Emma laughs and Andrew looks pleased with himself and Jesse really resents what Andrew just said.
(he was right?)
“Hey I like you! I don’t think we’ve met properly before? I’m Emma Stone! And you are?”
Jesse also really resents Emma’s ability to make friends with almost anyone.
Andrew responds graciously. “I’m Andrew Garfield, one of Rob’s friends! I’m from England. Well I was born in LA…” and that’s how Emma and Andrew start talking. Jesse sits, eating potatoes with his head bent whilst Emma and Andrew chatter over him, silently wishing Emma was not sitting with them right at that moment, especially when she mutters “Your accent is adorable! Entertain me…”
“Hey, Armie, where’s JT and Joe?
Armie opens an eye to scrutinize Jesse. He closes it. “Joe’s sitting with Patrick today and I think JT’s sick.”
Oh, that would explain all the half-delirious texts he’d received from JT this morning. Wait. “Who’s Patrick?” But he remembers just as he asks.
“Some kid that Joe became good friends with really quickly. They met at Matt’s party.”
Jesse raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Interesting. Joe usually never left Armie’s side. Maybe that’s why he looks so depressed. “Why are you so depressed?” And to this Armie opens both his eyes and actually smiles. Armie’s got a really nice smile, Jesse thinks.
“I’m not depressed! I’m just tired, I stayed up way too late last night talking to Elizabeth.”
Ah.
On Monday Armie had gushed about Elizabeth, a girl who turned out to be in Jesse’s math class. Elizabeth was beautiful, funny, wonderful, brilliant, perfect, quirky, intelligent…and Jesse had never seen Armie so in awe of someone before and wow, everyone was meeting people. Rob and Kristen, Armie and Elizabeth, even Joe and Patrick (Jesse decides he needs to meet this Patrick character). And of course there was JT and Emma…
Jesse glances back and Emma is seriously leaning across the table to whisper something in Andrew’s ear and it’s like a string breaks in his soul. Wait, what? Emma is betrothed to JT! Or not really, but still. She’d hooked up with JT and JT was excited about it. And Andrew, Andrew…
(andrew is his)
(no)
Andrew is giving her one of his shy smiles and abruptly he decides he needs to do something.
“Hey! Rob! Andrew! Where’s Matt! And Carey!” He stands up. What on earth is he doing? People from other tables look at him and he can feel the blood surging in his veins, and arteries, and capillaries, and pumping in his ears and in his toes and
(jesse is a freak)
he sprints out of the cafeteria, because he needs oxygen, yes, that’s what he needs, oxygen, O2, oxygen, that’s good. As he turns around he hears a chair scrape back. More often than he’d like to admit, Jesse has run off to various corners of the school, with one of his friend’s following in pursuit. Usually it’s Kristen or JT, and they understand him. Even if he doesn’t understand himself.
Jesse makes it to the schoolyard outside the cafeteria where younger kids are playing ball. He sits on a bench. He doesn’t look through the glass walls of the cafeteria. But he does look up.
Andrew.
(of course)
Andrew sits next to Jesse and puts an arm around him in plain view of everyone and starts murmuring, “I was born in LA but I moved to Surrey in England when I was three. I was a gymnast when I was younger and I got into swimming after I decided I didn’t want to do gym anymore. My favourite stroke is freestyle but I hate tumble-turns and maybe you’ve noticed how much I suck at them?” He pauses while Jesse huffs a laugh and then continues. “I stopped doing gym because I hated the competition and so when I started swimming I told Mum I didn’t want to be in squad and just wanted to do laps and so I’ve been swimming for a long time now. Well not very long, but long enough to know I’ve improved, I think, do you think I can swim well, Jesse?”
And Jesse realizes what Andrew’s doing.
(bringing it back to them)
“Yes.”
Andrew nods like Jesse’s given him enough of answer and continues to talk. About his childhood, his brother, his parents, his partiality to clothes, his hair, why he likes the sun, why he likes the moon, how sometimes he tries to write poems but it doesn’t really work cause he doesn’t have a ‘muse’. Andrew thinks he might want to be an actor. When he says this Jesse whispers ‘me too.'
(even though he’s admitted it to no one else)
and Andrew starts discussing, albeit with no input from Jesse, the cons and pros of being an actor, and what he thinks of celebrities and Hollywood, and then he tells Jesse what he’d like to do if he had a lot of money. Donate most to charity (because andrew is a good person, jesse, and kristen was wrong) and of course pay for a long holiday for his parents.
What a funny sight they must be, Jesse thinks. He feels better. His breathing has returned to normal. Andrew is still talking but Jesse isn’t listening anymore, he’s just looking at Andrew, who doesn’t even realize Jesse isn’t listening. Andrew’s arm is still around Jesse’s shoulder, but his other hand he is gesturing with wildly, and his eyes look wild too. Not a bad wild, just…alive. When he laughs at whatever he’s said, the corners of his eyes crinkle, his nose scrunches up, and his lips curl, his lips…
“...and that’s why I want to ride a horse one day! Jesse? What is it?”
Jesse just shakes his head and says, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before.”
And at this admission Andrew appears to become very self-conscious and he hunches his shoulders and looks at his lap. Jesse didn’t want that.
(share something of yourself)
(can’t)
“What?”
Andrew purses his lips. “People have said that about me before.”
“Is it a bad thing?”
“Well, the same people who said that also left malicious notes in my locker and called my ‘pony boy’ when I was younger. They said I had my head in the clouds.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Andrew carefully retracts his arm and everything was going so well until Jesse spoke up.
(share yourself)
(okay)
“I used to get bullied too.”
Andrew looks up.
“When we were younger, people would call JT ‘faggot’.” Andrew winces. “And I’d get kicked in the shins for speaking out for him. We used to cry in the dance studio together.” He says the last part with a little laugh, as if it’s something to joke about, but the memories are kind of painful and horrible. “I, um, prefer to study old maps than go to parties.” And Andrew looks amused, this is good.
“Yeah, you don’t seem to be the kind of person who’d enjoy high school parties.”
Now Jesse winces, thinking of that life threatening moment at Mariah’s -
“Hey, what? I’m sorry. Has something…happened before?”
Jesse stares at Andrew. “Why?”
Andrew furrows his eyebrows. “You suddenly closed up. Like, when I said that, your face expression instantly changed and I didn’t like it."
When Jesse says nothing Andrew tentatively puts his arm around Jesse again and very quietly says, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before, too, and in a good way.”
Jesse nods. People have told him that before, also.
The children playing ball have dispersed and Jesse can see people are filing out of the cafeteria. He checks his phone. The end of lunch.
“It’s the end of lunch.”
Andrew bobs in agreement and stands up and Jesse stands up and they look at each other, silently. Jesse smirks. “What are you thinking about?”
Andrew grins. “Nothing.”
“Really? How boring!”
And Andrew throws back his head and laughs, that charming laugh and oh, wow. Jesse has never seen a neck like that before. Andrew’s Adams apple moves and the skin looks soft and
(jesse wants to suck on it)
he thinks Andrew is seriously beautiful. Jesse puts a hand on Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew stops laughing and looks down at Jesse, fondly.
(fondly)
“I want to know more about you.” Andrew delicately says.
And Jesse tries, “Okay.”
“Do you want to hang out after swimming this Saturday?”
And Jesse tries, “Yeah.”
So they smile once more to each other until Andrew huffs something like a ‘eh, what the heck’ and bends down to hug Jesse quickly before stepping away and skipping back to the school building. Jesse watches him go with mild amusement, feeling like he’s achieved something.
He’s made a friend.
************
Saturday morning. The first Saturday since Jesse officially met Andrew and they became friends. Him! Of all people!
(friends with the boy from the swim centre)
(with the charming laugh)
Jesse can’t decide if it makes it more awkward, or not.
Andrew is swimming dolphin-kick, his favourite.
When Andrew had come in at the start, he’d smiled at him from across the centre (like usual), come up and dumped his stuff next to Jesse (like usual), Jesse had observed the sprinkling of hair on his arm (like usual) but Andrew had sat next to him for a few seconds (not like usual).
He’d said ‘hey’ and then he’d hugged Jesse.
Before Jesse could react Andrew had left to get in the pool.
And now Andrew is swimming dolphin-kick and Jesse is fidgeting because
(andrew has a toned chest and he is practically naked)
(he’s swimming the dolphin-kick and his ass is bopping)
Sophia is insisting he hold Lea for a little bit.
“No, no, I really shouldn’t.” Babies. Hallie Kate is still a baby (not really) but she’s his sister so it’s different.
“Oh, don’t be silly dear, Lea likes you. I just need to pop to the bathroom. Won’t be a minute!"
But the silly woman will be more than a minute because girls don’t take only a minute in the bathroom.
He takes Lea and she smiles at him. “Hello.” He says. She hiccups. “Hello!” She waves. He feels stupid. The child should be able to sense his awkwardness and start crying, or something. But Lea is a well-behaved young girl and sits contently in Jesse’s lap.
“Carina?” She asks.
“Uh, yes. Your sister.”
Lea points at Carina in the water, who waves back at her sister and then says something to Hallie Kate, who laughs at Jesse.
Jesse ignores them and looks over to Andrew, but Andrew has gotten out of the water and he’s smiling at Jesse. Jesse knows his eyes would be crinkled at the edges. He puts his head down and looks at Lea in the eyes, his face reddening. He whispers to Lea, who makes a point of putting her hand to her ear and leaning in.
“What’s your favourite colour?”
Her face lights up. “Orange! What’s yours?”
Jesse can’t help his smile. “An off blue. Like, blue but a little off. To the left?” Lea giggles and Jesse doesn’t know what compels him to do what he does next, but he bows his head and lightly kisses her on the top of her soft hair. She smells like flowers and innocence and all that’s good in the world. He happens to glance up with his eyes right at that moment and Sophia is walking towards him with what can only be described with a tender look on her face, and Andrew is walking towards him too and his expression…
(jesse doesn’t want to decipher it)
Lea giggles again and starts making grabby hands at her mother. Jesse is more than happy to hand the cheerful child to her mother, who coos at Jesse.
“You are like the brother Carina and Lea never had! And too cute! Now am I taking Hallie Kate back to my house?”
Jesse stands and nods, brushing himself down for no reason. Andrew waits.
Carina walks into the change-room with her mother but Hallie Kate hurries to Jesse and he bends down to her eye-level. “Jesse, I just want you to know, that you are the best brother ever and I love you.” And she hugs Jesse with her little arms and okay, so that’s…normal. He laughs and hugs her back. “I love you too, Hallie Kate. Now go and have fun.” She pulls away and kisses him on the nose, starts to run (“don’t run Hallie Kate!”) then stops and marches into the change-room.
Jesse stands and brushes himself down again and Andrew is looking at him so warmheartedly, Jesse doesn’t really know why. “What?”
They start walking to the boys change-room.
(oh god)
“You’re too cute! And, you are the best brother ever!” Andrew teases and chuckles at himself.
“Okay, yeah, yeah, shut up, I don’t know what they’re talking about.” Jesse shakes his head slightly and scoffs.
Jesse notes he’s never actually been in the boys change-room. It’s not much different, actually, except that there are urinals as well as stalls. Other than that, showers and benches - pretty much the same. It’s then he realizes that Andrew is going to get changed in front of him.
(oh god)
“So, um, how do you do this? You want me to hold a towel around you?” he jokes. This shouldn’t exactly be any more frightening than getting changed for PE classes with Joe, JT, Armie, and the rest of the boys. Except for the fact that Jesse usually got changed in a toilet stall, or if he had to, would sit and wait for everyone to leave, making sure to talk a lot about nothing in particular and keep his eyes trained on the floor, and then hastily pull off his clothes and get into sports gear.
That, and Andrew is supposedly going to take off those swim briefs.
Andrew laughs, unfazed, and merely says, “Back in England, we’d all get naked and take it in turns washing each other’s bodies after a sweaty match of basketball.” And he proceeds to open his bag and begin taking out his clothes.
(they’ve been friends for a week, is this normal)
Jesse sort of thinks that Andrew is kidding because that sounds really…
(don’t think about it)
(don’t think)
Andrew is patting at his torso with a towel. “What do you wanna do today? How long can we hang out?”
Jesse sits down on the bench, next to Andrew’s bag, and puts his hands on his knees, clenching and unclenching his fists. He looks at his feet. “Can we go to yours? That way, I can walk home with Hallie Kate later.”
The change-room is not particularly crowded. There are a few young boys standing at benches getting changed, but they’re generally with their parents, or if they’re not, happen to already be dressed and just putting their shoes on, or something.
“Sure.”
Andrew slips on a white long-sleeved top, which has a couple of pointless buttons at the top that Andrew doesn’t bother to do up.
It’s when Jesse glimpses, out the corner of his eye, Andrew towelling down his legs,
(long)
that Jesse stands up and announces, “I need to go to the bathroom.” Rather loudly, he might add, and he hobbles over to the nearest stall, ignoring the looks from the people around him. He locks the door, shuts the toilet seat and sits on it. And fidgets. And breathes. And fidgets again.
Reaching into his pants, he pulls out his erection and stares at it in horror. It mocks him. His erection is mocking him, because why, of all places? Why now? He can hear Andrew whistling and this is not happening to him, except that it is, and he has an erection he needs to get rid of now. Right now. He glares at it. Nothing happens. He glares at the door of the stall and thinks about Dostoyevsky and the beginning of Crime and Punishment. He thinks about the cat after she was castrated. Math homework. Reality television and blue mouldy cheese and the shower plug hair and ew, that’s gross. He thinks about Kristen and Rob. Not cool! Not cool. He shakes his head and dares a glance down. The erection seems to be subsiding. He’s half-hard, but can probably hide it in his sweatpants.
(what)
He leaves the stall. Hopefully Andrew has gotten changed. He keeps his eyes down as he washes his hands but when he turns around to shuffle up to Andrew’s bench, Andrew is bending down to pick something off the ground.
His ass
(his ass)
is not naked thankfully, but Andrew wears only briefs,
(not swim briefs)
(briefs)
(underwear)
(underwear)
that are dark grey in colour, and to be honest not much different visually from his swim briefs, except that it’s not made of spandex, but cotton, and cotton is thinner and lighter and Andrew is bending and his ass is right there and -
“A coin! Look, a nickel, Jesse!”
Only Andrew would be this excited about a nickel.
Andrew laughs and puts it in his bag and continues to put on his jeans, talking to Jesse about something to do with English currency although Jesse finds it hard to listen. He sits and shifts because he can feel his dick hardening again,
(stop it)
(please)
and Andrew must sense Jesse’s alarm because he stops what he’s doing and says, “Jesse? You okay?” to which Jesse must reply, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why? Hurry up, it’s getting stuffy in here.”
Andrew hums and Jesse says he’s going to wait outside.
************
The walk back to Andrew’s house is uneventful. It’s uneventful in the sense that Jesse manages to convince his penis to become soft and remain soft by telling Andrew all he knows about the Russian revolution after Andrew asks Jesse what his favourite subject is. They talk all the way back, and Jesse finds it strangely easy, to converse with Andrew. Andrew encourages Jesse to continue when he stutters and talks too fast so he needs to backtrack.
Andrew tells Jesse about why he’s in the US. He’s staying with his aunty and uncle - dad’s brother - for the year, and perhaps longer, depending on where he wants to go for university, or college, or whatever the word they use here. Jesse laughs.
When they arrive at Andrew’s house, Jesse is introduced to his uncle and aunt, who are pleasant people. His aunt says she’s so happy that Andrew has made such a lovely friend and that she’ll be on the phone with Andrew’s mother very soon to tell her the happy news. Andrew turns red and says she does not have to do that, but his aunt waves a hand at him and starts recounting Andrew’s kindergarten days, when he’d aimlessly walk through the classroom and introduce himself to everyone, pleading to be friends with them. Andrew turns even redder, whilst Jesse and Andrew’s uncle stand by, amused. Jesse thinks the story just makes Andrew a thousand times move loveable.
(he’s amazing)
(what)
Andrew eventually manages to pull Jesse away, begging his family to please stop being so nice, to which they laugh and his uncle promises he’ll make sandwiches later.
Andrew drags Jesse up the winding stairwell and so Jesse finally makes it to Andrew’s room. Andrew chucks his bag down and starts tidying his bed as Jesse surveys his surroundings. The room is not as large as he thought it’d be. In fact, it’s only relatively larger than Jesse’s. Andrew has a double bed however, covered in a fluffy looking comforter, or something, and a white blanket, which Andrew is hurriedly throwing over it. A black office chair and sizeable desk drowning in textbooks, and a large closet that is half open, so Jesse can see the mess of clothes inside. The floor is carpeted, a deep blue, and Andrew has one large window that protrudes out from the wall, which allows for a cushioned seating area. From the window, Jesse can see the street below, and the red maple tree in the front yard, near a pile of leaves that Jesse smiles at. As his eyes scan over the room, he immediately decides he prefers it to his own room.
One thing Andrew has that Jesse doesn’t is his own en suit bathroom.
“Dude, you have your own bathroom?” Jesse walks to its entrance and peers in. It gleams in that way that suggests Andrew hasn’t had time to dirty it up yet, though there are bottles of product lining the bench, some fallen over. The bathtub is huge and in fact, Jesse wonders if the bathroom is bigger than the bedroom, which would be silly, but Andrew has his own bathtub and a separate shower, and then a huge shelf overflowing with towels. Next to the bathtub there’s a pile of clothes, or something, of questionable cleanliness.
He turns back inside to the bedroom, closing the bathroom door, to see Andrew standing in front of his bed, smiling at Jesse.
Jesse smiles back and thinks, this could be easy.
Andrew says, “Come, make yourself comfy, let’s get to know each other.”
And so Jesse sits on the office chair, Andrew sits on his bed, and Jesse feels there’s something familiar about the situation. Jesse spins around and Andrew talks.
(it feels like i already know you)
part iv
Word count: 7400
Author's notes: Thank-you everyone for such kind feedback! I get all these fuzzies and it's ridiclous and thank-you, it really means a lot to me. To anatolia_limb, yes, I do know the song Jesse by Ivri Lider, but I totally forgot about it until you mentioned it! And wow, I've been listening to it repeatedly and now I see the story and Jesse in a whole new perspective and I like it!
Sexy times coming soon, guys, I've been itching to write it but Jesse and Andrew need to get there first XD
Also I want to apologise for the awkward spacing. I keep trying to edit the post but lj is not having it. It looks better on my word document! Or at AO3. But no matter! Thank-you everyone for reading <3
At AO3
Sountrack and title of chapter taken from: i see a darkness - loney, dear
Jesse is trembling and he is walking through the house.
All he wants is to go home and Kristen will understand. She’s never been partial to a tidy room anyway.
Jesse reaches the front room and so that’s where everyone went. Matt is standing in front of the snacks table, surrounded by teenagers whooping and cheering. The room is dark, save for the glower of the candles that light up Matt’s face, which must be in the cake that Jesse cannot see.
He edges around the crowd and is not noticed when he makes a dash for the front door, opening it silently and sneaking out into the night, into the darkness.
Pat pat pat goes his footsteps as he walks out of the front yard and into the street. He fumbles with the catch on the gate and then breathes heavily, reaching into one of the pockets of his jeans. He struggles - these jeans are too tight dammit - but manages to yank his phone out.
Kristen:
sorry had to leave, tell matt happy bday
i can come over tomorrow to help with your room
It’s 10:11.
He hears the front door open and close.
Jesse is trembling and he begins to walk home, home where things make sense and he has his books and maps and he’ll play that geography game with the states -
“Hey! Jesse! Oi! Jess! Stop!”
As if Jesse’s life can’t get any weirder, he turns around and Andrew is following him.
“What are you doing?” he asks because that is all he wants to know. “What are you doing? You can’t just come here and, and, and swim at the swim centre.”
“Isn’t that what swim centres are for?”
Jesse turns back around and no, he’s not doing this. He’s not talking to someone he doesn’t know and accusing them of swimming at swim centres. Idiot. He’s an idiot. But he can hear Andrew’s footsteps, which are getting closer and Jesse is only like, three yards away from the house he tried to leave quickly, but apparently he can’t even do that right without people catching up to him.
Andrew puts a hand on his shoulder and Jesse says again, “What are you doing?”
“Why’d you leave? Did I do something wrong? I’m sorry if I did, people tell me that sometimes I touch too much and I don’t even realize it. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because of me.”
Jesse works very hard not to break into a run.
(of course it isn’t just you, it’s everyone, he touches everyone)
(our friendship, our friendship)
So now Jesse tries weary but happy and he refuses to fail.
He looks Andrew straight in the eye, or what he can see of his eyes anyway.
(the eyes that had recognition, it definitely was recognition, wasn’t it, wasn’t it jesse? andrew knows)
The darkness is engulfing but the outline of Andrew is beautiful nevertheless and Jesse gathers his thoughts (can’t make sense of his thoughts), fakes a yawn (pushes the screaming anxiety away) and offers a cocky smile (don’t wring your hands). “What? No, you didn’t do anything? What? I’m just tired and I kinda want to start walking home before all the shifty people come out to play.”
Andrew makes no sound and Jesse continues, “I’ll see you around. It was great meeting you.”
Satisfied with his performance, he begins walking home, eager for solitude but Andrew is unbelievable.
“I’ll walk with you.”
And no, that isn’t supposed to happen.
“It’s your friend’s 18th, you’re supposed to stay at the party.”
(jesse failed, he always fails)
Jesse walks faster, but Andrew is not fazed, and keeps up easily
(it’s those long legs, andrew’s long, shapely legs)
(connected to those lean thighs)
(which are connected to his -)
He stops and shakes his head brutally and his chest tightens and Jesse wants to claw at his hair
(the way he wants to claw at andrew’s body)
but his hands are shaking too much and Andrew starts asking what’s wrong and Jesse cannot deal with this right now, he has no idea what he’s doing and all he wants is to be alone, is that too much to ask?
Adrenaline is being pumped through his blood, telling his heart to speed up their contractions, telling Jesse to get away, get away! There’s a lump in his throat and that means he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, his blood suddenly feels too hot to be real. And no, he does not want an attack right now but the darkness is so overwhelming, it soaks into Jesse’s skin and into his brain and into his blood and into the vestiges of his soul. His eyes are open but he can’t see anything, only the darkness, only the darkness, only the -
“Jesse. Jesse, please. Jess, Jess. Here, here, come on now."
Is that Andrew’s voice? Sweet Andrew with the laugh and the smile, and the eyes that say I’m not here to hurt you, and the voice which…which…could…be very…the lips which should…whisper into…Jesse’s…ear…
Jesse’s knees buckle.
************
Why did he wear these jeans? They’re seriously not comfortable. Why does he even own them? Ouch, what the hell is that poking into his back?
Jesse feels behind him and it’s a twig sticking through the gaps in the fence he’s leaning against. “Ow.”
Andrew looks up. They’re sitting on the pavement, side by side, and Andrew’s frightened face looks pale in the artificial light of the phone he’s been squinting at.
“Hello.” Jesse’s throat feels very dry. “What are you doing? Why are you trembling?”
Because Andrew is trembling and okay, now Jesse is being coerced into an awkward seated hug.
“Are you okay? I’m so sorry! You’re going to hate me forever now, I caused a panic attack, at least I think it was a panic attack. I’m sorry, Jesse, I’m so sorry, sorry -“
But Jesse cuts him off by being completely out of character and throwing his arms around Andrew’s neck and holding him very, very tightly and oh, Andrew smells good too. He smells very real. He presses his face into the junction between Andrew’s neck and shoulder and he can feel Andrew’s hold on him tightening as well, and they remain like that, two boys who don’t know each other
(but it feels like they do)
shuddering in each other’s arms, surrounded by nightfall. Jesse tells himself he needed to shut Andrew up somehow because Andrew’s voice is dangerously pleasing. And this is (strangely) comfortable anyway.
(it’s comfortable, it’s okay)
“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…” Jesse’s voice lapses and it becomes a mumble. He shifts so his chin is leaning on Andrew’s shoulder, and looks up into the sky. There are stars, now. Where did they come from? He realizes Andrew is saying something.
“…it’s okay, Jesse, I’m sorry, I only just met you, I’m sorry.” And Andrew is pulling away from Jesse, and Jesse knows, secretly, he doesn’t want Andrew to be pulling away, but he’s right, they did just meet
(they’ve known each other forever, haven’t they?)
and protocol says this cannot happen.
(this cannot happen yet, or it should not happen, maybe it will happen)
So they stand up and pretend nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. Jesse lets Andrew walk with him and he checks his phone.
From Kristen:
Okay. I’m sorry for leaving you. Are you okay? You missed the cake,
it was red velvet. Are you with Andrew? Rob can’t find him. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Please be okay.
“You should text Rob, he’s wondering where you are.”
“Oh! Yeah, probably. I kind of forgot. Um, was too busy worrying over you. You woke up just as I was getting ready to call an ambulance.” He smiles weakly at Jesse and in the moonlight, the starlight, something resolves inside him. It’s only small, a small resolve, but a resolve nonetheless. The darkness starts to leave.
“Thanks, um, by the way. We can be friends. Let’s be friends. You don’t have to walk with me though, you just left your house and you’ll have to come back.”
“But how will I know that you’ve arrived home safely? Jess, it’s perfectly all right, and yes let’s be friends -“
“Have my number."
(it was inevitable, they were always going to be friends)
Jesse programs his number into Andrew’s phone and Andrew does the same for him and they joke about each other’s surnames and Jesse realizes he’s made a new friend. He looks up at Andrew, who is smiling at him (that soft smile that reaches his eyes). Jesse wonders if he’s experiencing another attack, his head feels light and in the night it’s a little surreal, like he’s floating outside of his body because things don’t just work for him. He doesn’t just make friends with good-looking strangers.
(but apparently he does)
(does andrew?)
“What are you thinking about?” he asks Andrew.
Andrew’s eyes crinkle slightly. “Nothing.”
And Jesse gets the joke. “Really? How boring!” he laughs and Andrew laughs and this is so ridiculous, that this somehow works. He checks his phone again.
“Hey look, it’s past 10:30. I’m going to go home now.”
Andrew nods but looks nonplussed like something is going unsaid between them.
(there is definitely something going unsaid but jesse is ignoring it, cause he still doesn’t know what he’s doing)
Well whatever.
Andrew nods once more and straightens up. Jesse wonders if he’s got a resolve, too. “Text me, please, when you get home. I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you.”
And home. Jesse really wants to go home. He blinks at Andrew, chews his lip and offers a small smile, like the ones they used to share at the swim centre, before they were friends
(when they weren’t friends yet but jesse knew they were going to be)
and Andrew responds and suddenly the air is thick between them and Jesse really does need to leave.
“Okay bye!”
Jesse walks away and Andrew doesn’t follow, thank goodness. Like a clichéd novel, or film, or ending, or something, Jesse walks away into the night and thinks my life is not a movie, but I just became friends with the boy at the swim centre.
************
Jesse arrives home at around 10:50 and his parents are surprised.
“Jesse! You didn’t need to walk home in the dark! You could have called, I’d have come and picked you up!” His mom worries and he’s had enough of people worrying about him. He’s eighteen, he can take care of himself
(no you can’t)
and, “Mom, it’s okay. I’ll call you next time, okay? Okay. I just want to sleep.” His mom gathers herself and his dad chuckles and they say goodnight in unison.
Jesse trudges up the stairs to his room and locks the door behind him. He wants to violently shove off all the books from his bed but that would not be nice to the books, and also, he doesn’t want to wake Hallie Kate, whose bedroom is just down the hall from his. Without bothering to turn the ceiling light on, he quietly takes each one and puts away the novels into the tiny bookshelf in the corner, and stacks his schoolbooks near his bag, which rests against the wall. He closes the blinds and makes sure to lock the window. With no moonlight spilling into his room, everything is black.
(not overwhelmed)
He puts his pyjamas on, an old shirt and pants, and falls into bed.
He’s just winding down when his phone beeps and he curses himself for forgetting to turn it off. He is not getting out of bed though. Whoever that was will just have to wait till morning.
Jesse settles further into bed and his thoughts start getting fuzzy and perhaps 10 minutes pass, but the phone beeps again. Jesse grumbles. Where did he leave it? He starts to shuffle to get out of bed but his limbs feel too heavy and he gives up and relaxes back into the safety of his comforter and pillow and he’s falling asleep, he really is when his ringtone starts blaring - one of those obnoxious ones that comes with the phone - oh my god, Hallie Kate will wake up.
It induces an instinctive response, or something, because Jesse literally catapults himself out of bed, whipping the covers off and where the hell did he leave his phone, and then he spots his jeans on the floor, not because he can see the jeans, but because he can see a flashing light in one of the pockets. He scrambles to pull the phone out and is in such a frenzy to stop the noise he accidentally misses the call. He waits for Hallie Kate to wake up (she’d get out of bed or start crying) but nothing happens.
He releases the breath he was holding and gets back into bed. He looks at his phone. One missed call from Andrew Garfield and two texts from Andrew Garfield.
Oh. Woops.
Jesse is staring at his phone vacantly when it starts ringing again. This time he catches it before the crescendo and answers.
“Hello?”
“Jesse! Oh thank god. I waited and waited and you didn’t text and I panicked and I ran out into the street but realized I didn’t know where you lived and then I texted you twice and you didn’t reply and then I called you but someone hung up on me and I thought you’d been kidnapped and oh god, Jesse, you’re not being held captive right now, are you?”
Jesse can’t believe what he’s hearing. Honestly? “Are you even real? No, I just forgot.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
And now he’s on the phone with Andrew. “Where are you?”
“I’m sitting on the pavement outside the house.”
“What, what the hell. Go back inside, forget about me, what are you even…we just met, like, today.”
“And your point is?”
“You’re not a crazy stalker or something, are you? If I had walked home with you today would you have jumped me?” Jesse is tired and this is ridiculous.
“No! Why would you even say that? No! I’m…where are you?”
Jesse shifts. “In bed.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“Were you sleeping?”
No. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry.”
And Jesse really has had enough.
(this could be nice another time)
“Andrew I’m going. Goodnight.”
Jesse hangs up on Andrew as Andrew is apologizing.
He pauses.
Andrew:
thanks for your concern, but im just tired. enjoy the party. night
Turning his phone off, he places it on the bedside table and closes his eyes, wishing for sleep.
************
The next day Jesse had gone to Kristen’s house, as he said he would. As he helped to put away her clothes, she’d told him about the rest of the party. JT and Emma had hooked up on the swinging chair outside, Armie had met a girl called Elizabeth and Joe ended up sitting with a boy called Patrick the entire night. Matt had enjoyed his party, and Kristen had even spotted him cradling a cup of Jesse’s tea whilst talking to Karen Gillan, the girl-model from Scotland.
When asked about Rob, Kristen’s face turned beetroot red, which had looked very unnatural, Jesse thought. Apparently, whilst everyone was leaving at around midnight, Kristen had been saying goodbye to Rob in the darkened hallway and he had taken her in his arms, said I really like you Kristen and then had gently, very gently, put his lips near Kristen’s and it’s okay because Kristen had been the one to actually lean forward and kiss Rob first. So she did want this, Jesse.
Jesse approved, though.
He’d texted JT, saying congrats, and JT had responded with fuk yea i got in!
That had unnerved him and he’d shown the text to Kristen who had said, “It doesn’t mean he got into her pants, Jesse.” So Jesse was cool with it.
Kristen queried about Andrew - he’s cute - and Jesse said he didn’t know that, tell me more. Kristen laughed and asked what they talked about and Jesse said nothing and Kristen huffed.
When Jesse turned on his phone in the morning, he’d received no messages from anyone.
No messages from Andrew.
What did Jesse expect? That night was just an accidental occurrence, nothing more. It was weird and Jesse isn’t entirely sure that the hug actually happened, his head had been in such a weird place at the time, and he probably dreamt it up.
(but andrew had smelt real)
The text messages and phone calls from Andrew were very real though, the evidence was right there on his phone.
As Kristen tidied her closet Jesse had taken refuge in the bed and had looked at the two messages Andrew had sent.
From Andrew:
Jesse are you okay, you home yet? I’m not worried,
just checking up like a good friend x
From Andrew:
Jesse? Jesse? Jesse? Jesse? Jesseeeeeeeee?????
Please answer me!!!!
Jesse stared at the ‘x’ in the first message. Emma sometimes left an ‘x’ at the end of her text messages. He had scrolled through his inbox until he found one from her.
From Emma:
jesse eisenBERG i know ur with kristen so tell her her fones w me
btw i luvvvv yoU! kisses xxxxxxxxx
Yeah, he’d thought as much. The ‘x’ was a kiss.
Showing the text from Andrew to Kristen wasn’t a good idea though. This is because the following happened:
“Why was Andrew worried about you?”
“Um, I had a panic attack when he was with me.”
“You what!? Why didn’t you tell me, Jesse?”
“Wasn’t a big deal, Andrew was with me.”
“Okay, okay. Yeah. Wait, you barely know the guy.”
“Yeah?”
“He said ‘like a good friend’ and then added a kiss, isn’t that a bit weird?
Jesse tensed.
“You kissed Rob.”
“I know…but I know him.”
“I met Andrew yesterday. We’re friends now.”
“I know, he just seems a bit forward.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kristen ignored the question. “What happened after the attack?”
Uh oh. “He…I don’t remember.”
“Did you drink anything last night?”
“No.”
“He didn’t spike your drink or something, did he?”
Jesse was shocked that she could even suggest that, not after -
“I mean, I know he’s one of Rob and Matt’s friends, and Carey is sweet too, but you just met the guy and he’s sending you kind of crazy texts and I wasn’t going to tell you this because I know it’d freak you out, but a bit after we did the cake he reappeared from nowhere and started asking me questions about you, which I didn’t answer cause, you know, we don’t know him and I know how you value your privacy.”
“What? He did what?”
“Yeah, I know, and he wasn’t there for the cake, and neither were you, but I didn’t put two and two together until you showed me those texts. No, Jesse, breathe, you’re fine.”
Jesse breathed and spoke very carefully.
“Kristen, he’s a cool guy. I don’t know why you think he’s crazy, because he isn’t, but thank-you for not answering any questions about me. I didn’t have anything to drink, and even if I did, he would not have spiked it or whatever. He’s one of Rob’s best friends, I don’t think he’s like that.”
Kristen started to protest but Jesse shook his head and she relented.
“I’m sorry, Jesse. I know, I overreacted. I’m sorry, please look at me?”
He did.
“Ever since that incident in freshman year…”
Jesse didn’t want to remember, but he relived the moment in his mind’s eye anyway. Mariah’s birthday party - the first, and pretty much only party Jesse went to that wasn’t one of his friend’s - and there were no parents around, and everyone was trying out underage drinking. Jesse quietly had found apple juice in the kitchen’s fridge and was sipping it cautiously when he’d heard JT being harassed by some juniors who had crashed the party. After returning from getting his shins kicked, he’d taken a large gulp of his apple juice and promptly fell to the kitchen floor, convulsing. His head was spinning and he felt his face getting hot, then cold, then hot, and his legs wouldn’t stay still and when Kristen had seen him she’d started screaming. An ambulance was called and the paramedics said something about ‘allergic reaction’ and ‘lucky’.
Kristen hugged him - “I shouldn’t have brought it up.” - and that was that.
Jesse sits at his desk on Sunday night and thinks about the fear he saw in Kristen’s eyes.
************
“Kristen! Hey!” Rob calls from across the corridor. Jesse looks up. Rob is weaving through the horde of teenagers to get to Kristen’s locker. Andrew is following behind him.
Jesse moves out of the way and Rob leans against the locker next to Kristen’s and smiles down at her. “Hey.” They smile at each other and Rob leans down to kiss her. It’s the Wednesday after the party and they are officially dating. Cool.
“Hey, Jesse.”
Andrew gives a small wave. Jesse returns it. He can do this, he thinks. Just be normal.
“Glad we caught you at the start of lunch. Where do you normally sit?”
Jesse frowns. “The cafeteria? Where the food is?” So he supposes they’ll be sitting with them now.
Rob and Kristen sidle up to the pair and Andrew looks uncomfortable. “I usually bring my food from home, so…” And Jesse finds this very endearing.
“You can eat your food in the cafeteria with us.”
The four teenagers move through to the cafeteria, to the table where Armie and Emma are already sitting. It’s noisy and Jesse doesn’t particularly like it in the cafeteria, but it’s where they’ve always sat, so he doesn’t complain. Rob and Kristen sit together, next to Emma. Jesse sits next to Armie, who is opposite Emma, and Andrew plops down next to Jesse with a grin. Armie looks half asleep in his seat. Emma scowls and pushes her tray towards Jesse. “I got too much. Have mine. You need to eat anyway.” She pinches his cheek and pulls a face. “See? There is like, nothing to pinch.”
He feels a prodding in his side and - Andrew is poking him?
“I agree. When I first saw him I thought ‘I bet I could feel his ribs easily’ and I was right!”
Emma laughs and Andrew looks pleased with himself and Jesse really resents what Andrew just said.
(he was right?)
“Hey I like you! I don’t think we’ve met properly before? I’m Emma Stone! And you are?”
Jesse also really resents Emma’s ability to make friends with almost anyone.
Andrew responds graciously. “I’m Andrew Garfield, one of Rob’s friends! I’m from England. Well I was born in LA…” and that’s how Emma and Andrew start talking. Jesse sits, eating potatoes with his head bent whilst Emma and Andrew chatter over him, silently wishing Emma was not sitting with them right at that moment, especially when she mutters “Your accent is adorable! Entertain me…”
“Hey, Armie, where’s JT and Joe?
Armie opens an eye to scrutinize Jesse. He closes it. “Joe’s sitting with Patrick today and I think JT’s sick.”
Oh, that would explain all the half-delirious texts he’d received from JT this morning. Wait. “Who’s Patrick?” But he remembers just as he asks.
“Some kid that Joe became good friends with really quickly. They met at Matt’s party.”
Jesse raises an eyebrow but says nothing. Interesting. Joe usually never left Armie’s side. Maybe that’s why he looks so depressed. “Why are you so depressed?” And to this Armie opens both his eyes and actually smiles. Armie’s got a really nice smile, Jesse thinks.
“I’m not depressed! I’m just tired, I stayed up way too late last night talking to Elizabeth.”
Ah.
On Monday Armie had gushed about Elizabeth, a girl who turned out to be in Jesse’s math class. Elizabeth was beautiful, funny, wonderful, brilliant, perfect, quirky, intelligent…and Jesse had never seen Armie so in awe of someone before and wow, everyone was meeting people. Rob and Kristen, Armie and Elizabeth, even Joe and Patrick (Jesse decides he needs to meet this Patrick character). And of course there was JT and Emma…
Jesse glances back and Emma is seriously leaning across the table to whisper something in Andrew’s ear and it’s like a string breaks in his soul. Wait, what? Emma is betrothed to JT! Or not really, but still. She’d hooked up with JT and JT was excited about it. And Andrew, Andrew…
(andrew is his)
(no)
Andrew is giving her one of his shy smiles and abruptly he decides he needs to do something.
“Hey! Rob! Andrew! Where’s Matt! And Carey!” He stands up. What on earth is he doing? People from other tables look at him and he can feel the blood surging in his veins, and arteries, and capillaries, and pumping in his ears and in his toes and
(jesse is a freak)
he sprints out of the cafeteria, because he needs oxygen, yes, that’s what he needs, oxygen, O2, oxygen, that’s good. As he turns around he hears a chair scrape back. More often than he’d like to admit, Jesse has run off to various corners of the school, with one of his friend’s following in pursuit. Usually it’s Kristen or JT, and they understand him. Even if he doesn’t understand himself.
Jesse makes it to the schoolyard outside the cafeteria where younger kids are playing ball. He sits on a bench. He doesn’t look through the glass walls of the cafeteria. But he does look up.
Andrew.
(of course)
Andrew sits next to Jesse and puts an arm around him in plain view of everyone and starts murmuring, “I was born in LA but I moved to Surrey in England when I was three. I was a gymnast when I was younger and I got into swimming after I decided I didn’t want to do gym anymore. My favourite stroke is freestyle but I hate tumble-turns and maybe you’ve noticed how much I suck at them?” He pauses while Jesse huffs a laugh and then continues. “I stopped doing gym because I hated the competition and so when I started swimming I told Mum I didn’t want to be in squad and just wanted to do laps and so I’ve been swimming for a long time now. Well not very long, but long enough to know I’ve improved, I think, do you think I can swim well, Jesse?”
And Jesse realizes what Andrew’s doing.
(bringing it back to them)
“Yes.”
Andrew nods like Jesse’s given him enough of answer and continues to talk. About his childhood, his brother, his parents, his partiality to clothes, his hair, why he likes the sun, why he likes the moon, how sometimes he tries to write poems but it doesn’t really work cause he doesn’t have a ‘muse’. Andrew thinks he might want to be an actor. When he says this Jesse whispers ‘me too.'
(even though he’s admitted it to no one else)
and Andrew starts discussing, albeit with no input from Jesse, the cons and pros of being an actor, and what he thinks of celebrities and Hollywood, and then he tells Jesse what he’d like to do if he had a lot of money. Donate most to charity (because andrew is a good person, jesse, and kristen was wrong) and of course pay for a long holiday for his parents.
What a funny sight they must be, Jesse thinks. He feels better. His breathing has returned to normal. Andrew is still talking but Jesse isn’t listening anymore, he’s just looking at Andrew, who doesn’t even realize Jesse isn’t listening. Andrew’s arm is still around Jesse’s shoulder, but his other hand he is gesturing with wildly, and his eyes look wild too. Not a bad wild, just…alive. When he laughs at whatever he’s said, the corners of his eyes crinkle, his nose scrunches up, and his lips curl, his lips…
“...and that’s why I want to ride a horse one day! Jesse? What is it?”
Jesse just shakes his head and says, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before.”
And at this admission Andrew appears to become very self-conscious and he hunches his shoulders and looks at his lap. Jesse didn’t want that.
(share something of yourself)
(can’t)
“What?”
Andrew purses his lips. “People have said that about me before.”
“Is it a bad thing?”
“Well, the same people who said that also left malicious notes in my locker and called my ‘pony boy’ when I was younger. They said I had my head in the clouds.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Andrew carefully retracts his arm and everything was going so well until Jesse spoke up.
(share yourself)
(okay)
“I used to get bullied too.”
Andrew looks up.
“When we were younger, people would call JT ‘faggot’.” Andrew winces. “And I’d get kicked in the shins for speaking out for him. We used to cry in the dance studio together.” He says the last part with a little laugh, as if it’s something to joke about, but the memories are kind of painful and horrible. “I, um, prefer to study old maps than go to parties.” And Andrew looks amused, this is good.
“Yeah, you don’t seem to be the kind of person who’d enjoy high school parties.”
Now Jesse winces, thinking of that life threatening moment at Mariah’s -
“Hey, what? I’m sorry. Has something…happened before?”
Jesse stares at Andrew. “Why?”
Andrew furrows his eyebrows. “You suddenly closed up. Like, when I said that, your face expression instantly changed and I didn’t like it."
When Jesse says nothing Andrew tentatively puts his arm around Jesse again and very quietly says, “You’re like no one I’ve ever met before, too, and in a good way.”
Jesse nods. People have told him that before, also.
The children playing ball have dispersed and Jesse can see people are filing out of the cafeteria. He checks his phone. The end of lunch.
“It’s the end of lunch.”
Andrew bobs in agreement and stands up and Jesse stands up and they look at each other, silently. Jesse smirks. “What are you thinking about?”
Andrew grins. “Nothing.”
“Really? How boring!”
And Andrew throws back his head and laughs, that charming laugh and oh, wow. Jesse has never seen a neck like that before. Andrew’s Adams apple moves and the skin looks soft and
(jesse wants to suck on it)
he thinks Andrew is seriously beautiful. Jesse puts a hand on Andrew’s shoulder and Andrew stops laughing and looks down at Jesse, fondly.
(fondly)
“I want to know more about you.” Andrew delicately says.
And Jesse tries, “Okay.”
“Do you want to hang out after swimming this Saturday?”
And Jesse tries, “Yeah.”
So they smile once more to each other until Andrew huffs something like a ‘eh, what the heck’ and bends down to hug Jesse quickly before stepping away and skipping back to the school building. Jesse watches him go with mild amusement, feeling like he’s achieved something.
He’s made a friend.
************
Saturday morning. The first Saturday since Jesse officially met Andrew and they became friends. Him! Of all people!
(friends with the boy from the swim centre)
(with the charming laugh)
Jesse can’t decide if it makes it more awkward, or not.
Andrew is swimming dolphin-kick, his favourite.
When Andrew had come in at the start, he’d smiled at him from across the centre (like usual), come up and dumped his stuff next to Jesse (like usual), Jesse had observed the sprinkling of hair on his arm (like usual) but Andrew had sat next to him for a few seconds (not like usual).
He’d said ‘hey’ and then he’d hugged Jesse.
Before Jesse could react Andrew had left to get in the pool.
And now Andrew is swimming dolphin-kick and Jesse is fidgeting because
(andrew has a toned chest and he is practically naked)
(he’s swimming the dolphin-kick and his ass is bopping)
Sophia is insisting he hold Lea for a little bit.
“No, no, I really shouldn’t.” Babies. Hallie Kate is still a baby (not really) but she’s his sister so it’s different.
“Oh, don’t be silly dear, Lea likes you. I just need to pop to the bathroom. Won’t be a minute!"
But the silly woman will be more than a minute because girls don’t take only a minute in the bathroom.
He takes Lea and she smiles at him. “Hello.” He says. She hiccups. “Hello!” She waves. He feels stupid. The child should be able to sense his awkwardness and start crying, or something. But Lea is a well-behaved young girl and sits contently in Jesse’s lap.
“Carina?” She asks.
“Uh, yes. Your sister.”
Lea points at Carina in the water, who waves back at her sister and then says something to Hallie Kate, who laughs at Jesse.
Jesse ignores them and looks over to Andrew, but Andrew has gotten out of the water and he’s smiling at Jesse. Jesse knows his eyes would be crinkled at the edges. He puts his head down and looks at Lea in the eyes, his face reddening. He whispers to Lea, who makes a point of putting her hand to her ear and leaning in.
“What’s your favourite colour?”
Her face lights up. “Orange! What’s yours?”
Jesse can’t help his smile. “An off blue. Like, blue but a little off. To the left?” Lea giggles and Jesse doesn’t know what compels him to do what he does next, but he bows his head and lightly kisses her on the top of her soft hair. She smells like flowers and innocence and all that’s good in the world. He happens to glance up with his eyes right at that moment and Sophia is walking towards him with what can only be described with a tender look on her face, and Andrew is walking towards him too and his expression…
(jesse doesn’t want to decipher it)
Lea giggles again and starts making grabby hands at her mother. Jesse is more than happy to hand the cheerful child to her mother, who coos at Jesse.
“You are like the brother Carina and Lea never had! And too cute! Now am I taking Hallie Kate back to my house?”
Jesse stands and nods, brushing himself down for no reason. Andrew waits.
Carina walks into the change-room with her mother but Hallie Kate hurries to Jesse and he bends down to her eye-level. “Jesse, I just want you to know, that you are the best brother ever and I love you.” And she hugs Jesse with her little arms and okay, so that’s…normal. He laughs and hugs her back. “I love you too, Hallie Kate. Now go and have fun.” She pulls away and kisses him on the nose, starts to run (“don’t run Hallie Kate!”) then stops and marches into the change-room.
Jesse stands and brushes himself down again and Andrew is looking at him so warmheartedly, Jesse doesn’t really know why. “What?”
They start walking to the boys change-room.
(oh god)
“You’re too cute! And, you are the best brother ever!” Andrew teases and chuckles at himself.
“Okay, yeah, yeah, shut up, I don’t know what they’re talking about.” Jesse shakes his head slightly and scoffs.
Jesse notes he’s never actually been in the boys change-room. It’s not much different, actually, except that there are urinals as well as stalls. Other than that, showers and benches - pretty much the same. It’s then he realizes that Andrew is going to get changed in front of him.
(oh god)
“So, um, how do you do this? You want me to hold a towel around you?” he jokes. This shouldn’t exactly be any more frightening than getting changed for PE classes with Joe, JT, Armie, and the rest of the boys. Except for the fact that Jesse usually got changed in a toilet stall, or if he had to, would sit and wait for everyone to leave, making sure to talk a lot about nothing in particular and keep his eyes trained on the floor, and then hastily pull off his clothes and get into sports gear.
That, and Andrew is supposedly going to take off those swim briefs.
Andrew laughs, unfazed, and merely says, “Back in England, we’d all get naked and take it in turns washing each other’s bodies after a sweaty match of basketball.” And he proceeds to open his bag and begin taking out his clothes.
(they’ve been friends for a week, is this normal)
Jesse sort of thinks that Andrew is kidding because that sounds really…
(don’t think about it)
(don’t think)
Andrew is patting at his torso with a towel. “What do you wanna do today? How long can we hang out?”
Jesse sits down on the bench, next to Andrew’s bag, and puts his hands on his knees, clenching and unclenching his fists. He looks at his feet. “Can we go to yours? That way, I can walk home with Hallie Kate later.”
The change-room is not particularly crowded. There are a few young boys standing at benches getting changed, but they’re generally with their parents, or if they’re not, happen to already be dressed and just putting their shoes on, or something.
“Sure.”
Andrew slips on a white long-sleeved top, which has a couple of pointless buttons at the top that Andrew doesn’t bother to do up.
It’s when Jesse glimpses, out the corner of his eye, Andrew towelling down his legs,
(long)
that Jesse stands up and announces, “I need to go to the bathroom.” Rather loudly, he might add, and he hobbles over to the nearest stall, ignoring the looks from the people around him. He locks the door, shuts the toilet seat and sits on it. And fidgets. And breathes. And fidgets again.
Reaching into his pants, he pulls out his erection and stares at it in horror. It mocks him. His erection is mocking him, because why, of all places? Why now? He can hear Andrew whistling and this is not happening to him, except that it is, and he has an erection he needs to get rid of now. Right now. He glares at it. Nothing happens. He glares at the door of the stall and thinks about Dostoyevsky and the beginning of Crime and Punishment. He thinks about the cat after she was castrated. Math homework. Reality television and blue mouldy cheese and the shower plug hair and ew, that’s gross. He thinks about Kristen and Rob. Not cool! Not cool. He shakes his head and dares a glance down. The erection seems to be subsiding. He’s half-hard, but can probably hide it in his sweatpants.
(what)
He leaves the stall. Hopefully Andrew has gotten changed. He keeps his eyes down as he washes his hands but when he turns around to shuffle up to Andrew’s bench, Andrew is bending down to pick something off the ground.
His ass
(his ass)
is not naked thankfully, but Andrew wears only briefs,
(not swim briefs)
(briefs)
(underwear)
(underwear)
that are dark grey in colour, and to be honest not much different visually from his swim briefs, except that it’s not made of spandex, but cotton, and cotton is thinner and lighter and Andrew is bending and his ass is right there and -
“A coin! Look, a nickel, Jesse!”
Only Andrew would be this excited about a nickel.
Andrew laughs and puts it in his bag and continues to put on his jeans, talking to Jesse about something to do with English currency although Jesse finds it hard to listen. He sits and shifts because he can feel his dick hardening again,
(stop it)
(please)
and Andrew must sense Jesse’s alarm because he stops what he’s doing and says, “Jesse? You okay?” to which Jesse must reply, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why? Hurry up, it’s getting stuffy in here.”
Andrew hums and Jesse says he’s going to wait outside.
************
The walk back to Andrew’s house is uneventful. It’s uneventful in the sense that Jesse manages to convince his penis to become soft and remain soft by telling Andrew all he knows about the Russian revolution after Andrew asks Jesse what his favourite subject is. They talk all the way back, and Jesse finds it strangely easy, to converse with Andrew. Andrew encourages Jesse to continue when he stutters and talks too fast so he needs to backtrack.
Andrew tells Jesse about why he’s in the US. He’s staying with his aunty and uncle - dad’s brother - for the year, and perhaps longer, depending on where he wants to go for university, or college, or whatever the word they use here. Jesse laughs.
When they arrive at Andrew’s house, Jesse is introduced to his uncle and aunt, who are pleasant people. His aunt says she’s so happy that Andrew has made such a lovely friend and that she’ll be on the phone with Andrew’s mother very soon to tell her the happy news. Andrew turns red and says she does not have to do that, but his aunt waves a hand at him and starts recounting Andrew’s kindergarten days, when he’d aimlessly walk through the classroom and introduce himself to everyone, pleading to be friends with them. Andrew turns even redder, whilst Jesse and Andrew’s uncle stand by, amused. Jesse thinks the story just makes Andrew a thousand times move loveable.
(he’s amazing)
(what)
Andrew eventually manages to pull Jesse away, begging his family to please stop being so nice, to which they laugh and his uncle promises he’ll make sandwiches later.
Andrew drags Jesse up the winding stairwell and so Jesse finally makes it to Andrew’s room. Andrew chucks his bag down and starts tidying his bed as Jesse surveys his surroundings. The room is not as large as he thought it’d be. In fact, it’s only relatively larger than Jesse’s. Andrew has a double bed however, covered in a fluffy looking comforter, or something, and a white blanket, which Andrew is hurriedly throwing over it. A black office chair and sizeable desk drowning in textbooks, and a large closet that is half open, so Jesse can see the mess of clothes inside. The floor is carpeted, a deep blue, and Andrew has one large window that protrudes out from the wall, which allows for a cushioned seating area. From the window, Jesse can see the street below, and the red maple tree in the front yard, near a pile of leaves that Jesse smiles at. As his eyes scan over the room, he immediately decides he prefers it to his own room.
One thing Andrew has that Jesse doesn’t is his own en suit bathroom.
“Dude, you have your own bathroom?” Jesse walks to its entrance and peers in. It gleams in that way that suggests Andrew hasn’t had time to dirty it up yet, though there are bottles of product lining the bench, some fallen over. The bathtub is huge and in fact, Jesse wonders if the bathroom is bigger than the bedroom, which would be silly, but Andrew has his own bathtub and a separate shower, and then a huge shelf overflowing with towels. Next to the bathtub there’s a pile of clothes, or something, of questionable cleanliness.
He turns back inside to the bedroom, closing the bathroom door, to see Andrew standing in front of his bed, smiling at Jesse.
Jesse smiles back and thinks, this could be easy.
Andrew says, “Come, make yourself comfy, let’s get to know each other.”
And so Jesse sits on the office chair, Andrew sits on his bed, and Jesse feels there’s something familiar about the situation. Jesse spins around and Andrew talks.
(it feels like i already know you)
part iv