FIC: Lost Without You (8/19)
Title: Lost Without You (8/19)
Author: sassywitch
Beta hisniblets
Pairing: OB/BB, mentions of BB/DM
Rating: NC-17 for the series, PG for this chapter.
Summary: Orlando receives some devastating news and does his best to deal with it
Feedback: Feedback is my writers crack, which is not to be confused at all with plumbers crack.
Banner: By the amazing and talented loki_girl
Authors Notes: In this AU, Dom is less than the ditzy caring man we’ve all come to know through fic. If that has the potential to upset you please don’t go any further.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. These men whilst adorable and perfectly happy to slash themselves, their actual relationship is something that they only know.
Word Count: 2105
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1| Chapter 2| Chapter 3| Chapter 4| Chapter 5| Chapter 6| Chapter 7|
Posted to: fellow_shippers, sassyfic
Orlando’s mind woke slowly, sleep relinquishing it’s hold on him gradually. Rolling onto his side, his bleary eyes flew open as his movements turned him deeper into Billy’s tight embrace and he remembered where he was. His own arms tightened as he realized what had woken him. Billy was mumbling, his words thick with sleep and accent, his arms wrapped securely around Orlando’s waist as he clung to him. Ducking his head closer to Billy’s, his eyes still heavy with sleep Orlando struggled to understand the mumbling brogue that tumbled from Billy’s lips.
Billy’s mutterings, barely even words, were thick and guttural and at first the only ones that Orlando could clearly define were “Dom” and “No”, but as Billy’s agitation grew, mumbled words of loss and despair filtered through. His sleep tousled head rocking from side to side as he physically lived the scenario that played out in his troubled sleeping mind. Orlando’s hand slid along Billy’s spine, soothing him, soft words of love and affection crooned against the top of his gingery head until he began to calm and relax against Orlando once more, even as Orlando struggled against his own intense fury at Billy’s erstwhile lover.
Awake now, Orlando let his fingers trace across Billy’s skin, watching the touch sooth the older man back into a trouble free sleep. Even after Billy relaxed completely against him, his soft whistling breaths warm against Orlando’s chest, he remained awake, his mind refusing to relax as a myriad of thoughts and concerns filled it. Watching the slight gap in the curtains, he could see night had fallen since they had slept. Knowing this could be the only time he would ever spend wrapped in Billy’s arms was a bittersweet pleasure that tore at his heart as much as it filled him with love. Forcing himself to think of Billy’s welfare, he started to slide from the edge of the bed and out of Billy’s embrace, only to find that with every movement, Billy’s grip tightened.
“Don’t.” Billy muttered.
“I need to get you something to eat Bills.” Orlando pressed a soft surreptitious kiss against Billy’s hair.
“Don’t need it yet.” His sleepy voice mumbled against Orlando’s chest.
“You haven’t eaten, Billy. I wanted to have something here for when you wake up.”
“Later.” Billy nodded, his lips brushing across Orlando’s skin as he did. “Need you more now.”
“I’ll stay.” Orlando nodded, forlorn at his own thoughts of Billy trapped alone within his dreams, imagining that he was in fact his erstwhile, self obsessed lover.
“thought…” Billy’s forehead puckered into a frown as his drowsy almost sleeping mind attempted to find the right words. “Orli. Lost you. Sad.” He muttered as he lost the battle and sank back into the murky depths of his sleep.
“It’s alright Bills.” Orlando soothed him gently even as his own heart was crumbling. “You haven’t lost him. He just doesn’t know how lucky he is.”
Rolling onto his side, Orlando pulled Billy flush against his body, fitting them together perfectly, Billy’s head cradled against his chest, one hand cupping the back of Billy’s head, fingers idly brushing through his hair, the other resting against Billy’s hip gently pressing their bodies together. If this was to be the only time he had with Billy he wanted to remember every moment of it.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He must have drifted back to his own deep sleep. When he opened his eyes again, it was to look into sleepy green eyes.
“Good morning. I think” Billy murmured, his forehead lined with a frown as he tried to decide if it was day or night, his voice husky as he laid his head back against Orlando’s chest. “Didnae think ye were ever goin to wake.”
“didn’t realize I’d gone back to sleep.” Orlando replied truthfully.
“Why are you here, Orli?” Billy asked quietly, his calloused fingertips tracing across the flesh under them.
“You wouldn’t let me get up?” Orlando frowned.
“Don’t be daft. Ye know exactly what I mean.” Billy tilted his head up to watch him carefully. “why did you come here?”
“Because Sam called and said you were gone.” Orlando shrugged, his hand unconsciously stroking Billy’s bare back. “I meant it Bills, they weren’t sending you home alone. I came to take you back to Scotland. Back to where you would be happy. Home.”
“Does Dom know?” Billy broke their gaze and let his face fall back against Orlando’s chest.
“Yes.” Orlando’s one word answer spoke volumes. “I’m sorry.” He murmured into the silence.
Drawing a deep breath that sucked a frisson of moist air against Orlando’s skin, Billy spoke with a tremulous quiver barely evident in his voice. “Don’t be. I didn’t expect him.” He chuckled slightly. “Then didn’t expect you either.”
“Sorry I came?” Orlando asked carefully.
“No.” Billy answered instantly. “Just confused. Why would you come here to take my body home. I’d be dead, I don’t think I’d worry about being alone.”
“I’d care.” Orlando shrugged, unconsciously tightening his hold on Billy.
“So I see.” Billy lifted his head and looked into Orlando’s face again. “Would you have come even if he did?”
“Yes.” Orlando answered without thought.
“You’re a good lad, Orlando.” Billy whispered, one hand reaching up to trace his fingertips across Orlando’s lower lip.
“What are you doing, Billy.” Orlando lifted his hand closing it around Billy’s wrist.
“Should think that would be obvious, Orli.” Billy replied, pushing Orlando onto his back, “I’ve had a lot of time to think in the last few days.”
“what about Dom?” Orlando breathed.
“What about him?” Billy asked, his fingers moving again. “We were over when I came here, Orlando, I just wouldn’t see it or let go. I know that now and honestly I’m starting to wonder if we ever really started.” Billy leaned forward to press a soft chaste kiss against Orlando’s cheek. “I’ve made some huge mistakes and I think it’s time that I fixed them.”
“Mistakes?” Orlando frowned, pulling Billy’s hand away from his face. His fingers were distracting Orlando’s thought processes and his concentration had strayed away from Billy’s words.
“I should never have loved him. It was blind and selfish and I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Orlando shook his head slightly as he struggled to understand.
“That I hurt ye.” Billy stated simply, his fingers toying idly with Orlando’s left nipple.
“Hurt me?” Orlando parroted, his hand trapping Billy’s and pulling it away from his chest.
“Ye really are pretty, aren’t ye, lad.” Billy grinned as he pressed his lips to Orlando’s.
“Possibly.” Orlando breathed, opening his mouth under the onslaught of Billy’s mouth.
“I did, didn’t I?” Billy lifted his head, looking into Orlando’s eyes. “I hurt you.”
Orlando shrugged. “I’m a big boy Billy, I’ll survive.”
“Just survive?” Billy probed, letting his hand trail down Orlando’s side, fingertips ghosting across the bare skin.
Orlando’s hand caught Billy’s again and folded it in his long fingers. “Can’t fucking concentrate when you do that.”
“I’ve been coming to ye, bitching about Dom, when all along ye’ve loved me, haven’t ye.” Billy asked quietly.
“I should deny it.” Orlando closed his eyes and let his breath out in a long sigh.
“But ye can’t can ye?” Billy prodded gently.
Orlando couldn’t open his eyes and see rejection in Billy’s eyes, so he shook his head quickly.
“I’ve been doing to you, exactly what he does to me.” Billy whispered against Orlando’s lips.
“No you haven’t.” Orlando shook his head in disagreement. “How could you, you had no idea, he’s a selfish bastard. He knows exactly how you feel.”
“Ignorance doesn’t make it any better, lad.” Billy stated, pressing a kiss to the corner of Orlando’s lips.
“Why are we talking about this, Billy?” Orlando pulled away from Billy, scooting up in the bed to lean against the wall at the head of the hotel bed.
Billy rolled onto his back, his arms over his head, staring at the ceiling. “Because I’ve done a lot of thinking Orli. Because when that chopper was going down I had time to think about my own mortality, to think about what’s really important to meh. I had made my decision, lad, but ye being here made knowing that decision was the right one so much easier.”
Orlando had been diligently watching the gap in the curtains, careful not to look at the older man as he spoke, but as Billy’s words sank in he turned to watch him speak, his eyes followed the curve of Billy’s lips as each word formed.
“Decision?” Orlando frowned.
Billy rolled onto his side, one hand reaching out to trace delicate circles on the light blanket covering Orlando’s thigh. “I was going to come and find ye.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe the way I’ve treated ye and still ye’d come here to look after meh.”
“You’re a good man, Billy.” Orlando put his hand over Billy’s on his thigh, stilling the thought stealing fingertips. “Someone needs to look out for you.”
“I’m a big boy, Orli.” Billy looked up at him his green eyes bright in the semi darkness of the hotel room, “Can look after myself just fine.”
Orlando shrugged without speaking, his thumb nervously tracing the back of Billy’s hand.
“Are you hungry? I’ll go and find you some food.” Orlando changed the subject, inordinately uncomfortable with the conversation.
“Don’t.” Billy struggled to sit upright, still covered with the bedclothes tangled around him eventually giving up and flopping back on the bed, dejectedly. “Don’t run away from me, not now.”
“I’m not running.” Orlando slumped back against the wall with a sigh, for the first time reaching out to touch Billy, his trembling fingers brushing across Billy’s hair nervously. “This is a dream isn’t it? I’ve wanted to hear this for so long. I….” his words ran out as he struggled to explain his feelings and failing miserably.
“I won’t hurt ye, Orli.” Billy whispered gruffly. “I don’t do that.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Orlando replied quickly, sliding down until he was on eye level with Billy. “What if he changes his mind? What if he wants you back? What if he decides that he loves you? I can’t survive having you and then losing you, Bills. I can live with never having you at all but don’t ask me to give you up.”
“Do ye really think ah would do that to ye?” Billy asked gently, tilting his head into Orlando’s gentle touch.
“No. God no!” Orlando exclaimed, “but I don’t want you to be unhappy with me.”
“Dom and I are done, Orli.” Billy spoke quietly, “We should have been done long ago, ah jest couldn’t let go.”
“Does he know that?” Orlando asked.
Billy laughed mirthlessly, “He told me.” he replied self deprecatingly.
“Are you sure, Billy?” Orlando asked his voice deep and husky, his fingertips trailing down the side of Billy’s face as he watched.
“Never surer of anything, Orli.” Billy whispered, his gaze holding Orlando’s.
Orlando smiled, not the smile he always presented to the cameras of the world, but the smile he saved for his truly happy times, the smile he saved for family and for lovers. The smile he’d been saving for Billy. His eyes lit with a spark that he couldn’t quite contain, his lips curled up, pushing deep grooves into the taut skin of his face.
“Never thought I’d ever hear those words from you.” Orlando explained.
“You’ve said that already.” Billy smiled.
“Bears repeating.” Orlando leaned forward, pressing his lips to Billy’s forehead. “Are you really sure?” He slipped one hand behind Billy’s head, his fingers laced in his hair and holding him against his lips.
“Really, Really, Orli.” Billy murmured, tilting his head upward until his words were spoken against Orlando’s lips. “Planning on kissing me anytime soon?”
“Is that what you want?” Orlando breathed.
“Not about what I want. What do you want?” Billy whispered, his tongue flicking out to brush across Orlando’s lips.
Orlando shook his head slowly. “not about me.” He twisted his fingers in Billy’s hair slowly. “Us.”
“Us?” Billy frowned, pulling back to look into his eyes searchingly.
“Shouldn’t be about you or me, it should be what ‘we’ want.” Orlando whispered, looking away almost shyly.
“Well…I know what I want.” Billy murmured huskily. “Do you know what you want?”
Orlando nodded, his mouth turning up into a small grin.
“Think they might co-relate?” Billy’s own smile widened, his breath warm on Orlando’s skin.
Orlando nodded almost imperceptibly as he lifted his head to press his lips against Billy’s mouth.
Author: sassywitch
Beta hisniblets
Pairing: OB/BB, mentions of BB/DM
Rating: NC-17 for the series, PG for this chapter.
Summary: Orlando receives some devastating news and does his best to deal with it
Feedback: Feedback is my writers crack, which is not to be confused at all with plumbers crack.
Banner: By the amazing and talented loki_girl
Authors Notes: In this AU, Dom is less than the ditzy caring man we’ve all come to know through fic. If that has the potential to upset you please don’t go any further.
Disclaimer: Not at all true in reality. These men whilst adorable and perfectly happy to slash themselves, their actual relationship is something that they only know.
Word Count: 2105
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1| Chapter 2| Chapter 3| Chapter 4| Chapter 5| Chapter 6| Chapter 7|
Posted to: fellow_shippers, sassyfic
Orlando’s mind woke slowly, sleep relinquishing it’s hold on him gradually. Rolling onto his side, his bleary eyes flew open as his movements turned him deeper into Billy’s tight embrace and he remembered where he was. His own arms tightened as he realized what had woken him. Billy was mumbling, his words thick with sleep and accent, his arms wrapped securely around Orlando’s waist as he clung to him. Ducking his head closer to Billy’s, his eyes still heavy with sleep Orlando struggled to understand the mumbling brogue that tumbled from Billy’s lips.
Billy’s mutterings, barely even words, were thick and guttural and at first the only ones that Orlando could clearly define were “Dom” and “No”, but as Billy’s agitation grew, mumbled words of loss and despair filtered through. His sleep tousled head rocking from side to side as he physically lived the scenario that played out in his troubled sleeping mind. Orlando’s hand slid along Billy’s spine, soothing him, soft words of love and affection crooned against the top of his gingery head until he began to calm and relax against Orlando once more, even as Orlando struggled against his own intense fury at Billy’s erstwhile lover.
Awake now, Orlando let his fingers trace across Billy’s skin, watching the touch sooth the older man back into a trouble free sleep. Even after Billy relaxed completely against him, his soft whistling breaths warm against Orlando’s chest, he remained awake, his mind refusing to relax as a myriad of thoughts and concerns filled it. Watching the slight gap in the curtains, he could see night had fallen since they had slept. Knowing this could be the only time he would ever spend wrapped in Billy’s arms was a bittersweet pleasure that tore at his heart as much as it filled him with love. Forcing himself to think of Billy’s welfare, he started to slide from the edge of the bed and out of Billy’s embrace, only to find that with every movement, Billy’s grip tightened.
“Don’t.” Billy muttered.
“I need to get you something to eat Bills.” Orlando pressed a soft surreptitious kiss against Billy’s hair.
“Don’t need it yet.” His sleepy voice mumbled against Orlando’s chest.
“You haven’t eaten, Billy. I wanted to have something here for when you wake up.”
“Later.” Billy nodded, his lips brushing across Orlando’s skin as he did. “Need you more now.”
“I’ll stay.” Orlando nodded, forlorn at his own thoughts of Billy trapped alone within his dreams, imagining that he was in fact his erstwhile, self obsessed lover.
“thought…” Billy’s forehead puckered into a frown as his drowsy almost sleeping mind attempted to find the right words. “Orli. Lost you. Sad.” He muttered as he lost the battle and sank back into the murky depths of his sleep.
“It’s alright Bills.” Orlando soothed him gently even as his own heart was crumbling. “You haven’t lost him. He just doesn’t know how lucky he is.”
Rolling onto his side, Orlando pulled Billy flush against his body, fitting them together perfectly, Billy’s head cradled against his chest, one hand cupping the back of Billy’s head, fingers idly brushing through his hair, the other resting against Billy’s hip gently pressing their bodies together. If this was to be the only time he had with Billy he wanted to remember every moment of it.
~*~*~*~*~*~
He must have drifted back to his own deep sleep. When he opened his eyes again, it was to look into sleepy green eyes.
“Good morning. I think” Billy murmured, his forehead lined with a frown as he tried to decide if it was day or night, his voice husky as he laid his head back against Orlando’s chest. “Didnae think ye were ever goin to wake.”
“didn’t realize I’d gone back to sleep.” Orlando replied truthfully.
“Why are you here, Orli?” Billy asked quietly, his calloused fingertips tracing across the flesh under them.
“You wouldn’t let me get up?” Orlando frowned.
“Don’t be daft. Ye know exactly what I mean.” Billy tilted his head up to watch him carefully. “why did you come here?”
“Because Sam called and said you were gone.” Orlando shrugged, his hand unconsciously stroking Billy’s bare back. “I meant it Bills, they weren’t sending you home alone. I came to take you back to Scotland. Back to where you would be happy. Home.”
“Does Dom know?” Billy broke their gaze and let his face fall back against Orlando’s chest.
“Yes.” Orlando’s one word answer spoke volumes. “I’m sorry.” He murmured into the silence.
Drawing a deep breath that sucked a frisson of moist air against Orlando’s skin, Billy spoke with a tremulous quiver barely evident in his voice. “Don’t be. I didn’t expect him.” He chuckled slightly. “Then didn’t expect you either.”
“Sorry I came?” Orlando asked carefully.
“No.” Billy answered instantly. “Just confused. Why would you come here to take my body home. I’d be dead, I don’t think I’d worry about being alone.”
“I’d care.” Orlando shrugged, unconsciously tightening his hold on Billy.
“So I see.” Billy lifted his head and looked into Orlando’s face again. “Would you have come even if he did?”
“Yes.” Orlando answered without thought.
“You’re a good lad, Orlando.” Billy whispered, one hand reaching up to trace his fingertips across Orlando’s lower lip.
“What are you doing, Billy.” Orlando lifted his hand closing it around Billy’s wrist.
“Should think that would be obvious, Orli.” Billy replied, pushing Orlando onto his back, “I’ve had a lot of time to think in the last few days.”
“what about Dom?” Orlando breathed.
“What about him?” Billy asked, his fingers moving again. “We were over when I came here, Orlando, I just wouldn’t see it or let go. I know that now and honestly I’m starting to wonder if we ever really started.” Billy leaned forward to press a soft chaste kiss against Orlando’s cheek. “I’ve made some huge mistakes and I think it’s time that I fixed them.”
“Mistakes?” Orlando frowned, pulling Billy’s hand away from his face. His fingers were distracting Orlando’s thought processes and his concentration had strayed away from Billy’s words.
“I should never have loved him. It was blind and selfish and I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” Orlando shook his head slightly as he struggled to understand.
“That I hurt ye.” Billy stated simply, his fingers toying idly with Orlando’s left nipple.
“Hurt me?” Orlando parroted, his hand trapping Billy’s and pulling it away from his chest.
“Ye really are pretty, aren’t ye, lad.” Billy grinned as he pressed his lips to Orlando’s.
“Possibly.” Orlando breathed, opening his mouth under the onslaught of Billy’s mouth.
“I did, didn’t I?” Billy lifted his head, looking into Orlando’s eyes. “I hurt you.”
Orlando shrugged. “I’m a big boy Billy, I’ll survive.”
“Just survive?” Billy probed, letting his hand trail down Orlando’s side, fingertips ghosting across the bare skin.
Orlando’s hand caught Billy’s again and folded it in his long fingers. “Can’t fucking concentrate when you do that.”
“I’ve been coming to ye, bitching about Dom, when all along ye’ve loved me, haven’t ye.” Billy asked quietly.
“I should deny it.” Orlando closed his eyes and let his breath out in a long sigh.
“But ye can’t can ye?” Billy prodded gently.
Orlando couldn’t open his eyes and see rejection in Billy’s eyes, so he shook his head quickly.
“I’ve been doing to you, exactly what he does to me.” Billy whispered against Orlando’s lips.
“No you haven’t.” Orlando shook his head in disagreement. “How could you, you had no idea, he’s a selfish bastard. He knows exactly how you feel.”
“Ignorance doesn’t make it any better, lad.” Billy stated, pressing a kiss to the corner of Orlando’s lips.
“Why are we talking about this, Billy?” Orlando pulled away from Billy, scooting up in the bed to lean against the wall at the head of the hotel bed.
Billy rolled onto his back, his arms over his head, staring at the ceiling. “Because I’ve done a lot of thinking Orli. Because when that chopper was going down I had time to think about my own mortality, to think about what’s really important to meh. I had made my decision, lad, but ye being here made knowing that decision was the right one so much easier.”
Orlando had been diligently watching the gap in the curtains, careful not to look at the older man as he spoke, but as Billy’s words sank in he turned to watch him speak, his eyes followed the curve of Billy’s lips as each word formed.
“Decision?” Orlando frowned.
Billy rolled onto his side, one hand reaching out to trace delicate circles on the light blanket covering Orlando’s thigh. “I was going to come and find ye.” He shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe the way I’ve treated ye and still ye’d come here to look after meh.”
“You’re a good man, Billy.” Orlando put his hand over Billy’s on his thigh, stilling the thought stealing fingertips. “Someone needs to look out for you.”
“I’m a big boy, Orli.” Billy looked up at him his green eyes bright in the semi darkness of the hotel room, “Can look after myself just fine.”
Orlando shrugged without speaking, his thumb nervously tracing the back of Billy’s hand.
“Are you hungry? I’ll go and find you some food.” Orlando changed the subject, inordinately uncomfortable with the conversation.
“Don’t.” Billy struggled to sit upright, still covered with the bedclothes tangled around him eventually giving up and flopping back on the bed, dejectedly. “Don’t run away from me, not now.”
“I’m not running.” Orlando slumped back against the wall with a sigh, for the first time reaching out to touch Billy, his trembling fingers brushing across Billy’s hair nervously. “This is a dream isn’t it? I’ve wanted to hear this for so long. I….” his words ran out as he struggled to explain his feelings and failing miserably.
“I won’t hurt ye, Orli.” Billy whispered gruffly. “I don’t do that.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Orlando replied quickly, sliding down until he was on eye level with Billy. “What if he changes his mind? What if he wants you back? What if he decides that he loves you? I can’t survive having you and then losing you, Bills. I can live with never having you at all but don’t ask me to give you up.”
“Do ye really think ah would do that to ye?” Billy asked gently, tilting his head into Orlando’s gentle touch.
“No. God no!” Orlando exclaimed, “but I don’t want you to be unhappy with me.”
“Dom and I are done, Orli.” Billy spoke quietly, “We should have been done long ago, ah jest couldn’t let go.”
“Does he know that?” Orlando asked.
Billy laughed mirthlessly, “He told me.” he replied self deprecatingly.
“Are you sure, Billy?” Orlando asked his voice deep and husky, his fingertips trailing down the side of Billy’s face as he watched.
“Never surer of anything, Orli.” Billy whispered, his gaze holding Orlando’s.
Orlando smiled, not the smile he always presented to the cameras of the world, but the smile he saved for his truly happy times, the smile he saved for family and for lovers. The smile he’d been saving for Billy. His eyes lit with a spark that he couldn’t quite contain, his lips curled up, pushing deep grooves into the taut skin of his face.
“Never thought I’d ever hear those words from you.” Orlando explained.
“You’ve said that already.” Billy smiled.
“Bears repeating.” Orlando leaned forward, pressing his lips to Billy’s forehead. “Are you really sure?” He slipped one hand behind Billy’s head, his fingers laced in his hair and holding him against his lips.
“Really, Really, Orli.” Billy murmured, tilting his head upward until his words were spoken against Orlando’s lips. “Planning on kissing me anytime soon?”
“Is that what you want?” Orlando breathed.
“Not about what I want. What do you want?” Billy whispered, his tongue flicking out to brush across Orlando’s lips.
Orlando shook his head slowly. “not about me.” He twisted his fingers in Billy’s hair slowly. “Us.”
“Us?” Billy frowned, pulling back to look into his eyes searchingly.
“Shouldn’t be about you or me, it should be what ‘we’ want.” Orlando whispered, looking away almost shyly.
“Well…I know what I want.” Billy murmured huskily. “Do you know what you want?”
Orlando nodded, his mouth turning up into a small grin.
“Think they might co-relate?” Billy’s own smile widened, his breath warm on Orlando’s skin.
Orlando nodded almost imperceptibly as he lifted his head to press his lips against Billy’s mouth.