A well-deserved self-mock, volume one.
Oh my god, I found it! Well, part of it. By "it" I clearly mean my old horrible Mary Sue/self-insert fanfic. It’s WLiiA? and I have to mock it-I promised myself I would. So here’s the first story in the epic, epic series of mayhem, mystery, and even...muuuurder!
A Short Lil’ Love Story
Incorrectly placed apostrophe, right off the bat! Oh, this is going to be fun.
By: Sara Coburn
Sadly. I was twelve.
Chapter 1: First Impressions
(OK you know the drill I don’t own anyone or anything related to whose line this is just fun.)
Holy run on sentence, batman! Why is the author’s note in the chapter, anyway?
“Why do the female performers have to be so pretty?” Brad asked himself after seeing the newest addition to “Whose Line?” Her name was Sara.
Naturally!
She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but cute. Not plain, more like simple. At 5’7”, 25 years old, with golden brown hair and blue eyes, she was cute.
I am only five foot seven in magical pretend land, though I suppose I have to give young!me some credit for not making my Sue-self a buxom goddess with sapphire-diamond eyes and long golden tresses. Gotta love the redundancy, though.
He was so taken aback he didn’t even say hi.
He was taken aback by...what? My overwhelming adorable?
Then he got the news, there weren’t enough trailers, so she had to share-with him!
That first comma is sadly misplaced. Poor comma. Are you lost, little fellow?
She will probably be so disgusted she won’t even loo k at me, he thought sadly. How very wrong he was.
...no, I don’t really know why I would be disgusted, either, but hey, nice random POV change!
Sara had just arrived when she saw him. Brad. He was the one person she had been dying to meet. But to her great disappointment, he didn’t even say hi to her. Maybe he is shy, she thought.
More random POV change! I love how fic!me doesn’t think in contractions. Apparently I’m Zelda now?
The she received the greatest news of all-she got to share a trailer with him! She was so excited!
How did I receive this news, exactly? Memo, telegram, carrier pigeon, what? Did I just automatically know, because it’s an incredibly obvious and contrived plot device?
Act natural, she kept telling herself as she made her way to the guest trailer. And to her surprise, there he was standing outside the trailer waiting-for her!
Whoa there, fic!me. Jumping the gun a little, aren’t you? He could just be standing around, taking a smoke break, or hell, waiting for someone else.
“Hi”, she said as she approached, “So I guess we’re trailer-mates.”
I see I needed some emergency comma help.
“Yeah, sorry about that” he answered
“Why would you be sorry?” she asked
“I dunno, you probably are bummed you have to share a trailer with me”
“Not at all”
Oh my god, the punctuation neglect! *sobs*
“Really?”
“Yeah, really, it will be fun to get to know you, but I should warn you, I am by far anything close to a neat freak”
What an awkwardly phrased sentence. I’m a little bit puzzled why I worded it that way instead of just saying, “I’m really messy.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry about that, need any help?”
“Yeah thanks, umm... Can I call you Brad?”
(as Brad) “No. I only answer to the name Mr. Snugglebottoms.”
“As long as I can call you Sara.”
“Deal!” Wow! He thought, she is polite and easy to talk to! I really can’t wait to get to know her! I see he is a gentleman, well that’s nice to know,’ Sara thought with a sigh, I wonder if he likes me! Oh I hope so!
I was going to break that paragraph up but I thought I’d leave it because it’s hilarious. The POV change alone is enough to give you whiplash. No break, no nothing, not even a new paragraph! I also enjoy how I am supposedly twenty-five but have the thoughts of, say, a twelve-year-old? Intriguing!
Meanwhile, Drew, Colin, Ryan, Greg, and Kathy were watching this conversation.
...that’s kind of creepy. Where are they watching from? Don’t they have shit to do?
“They look like two lovesick teenagers.” Greg commented.
That sums up this whole story, pretty much.
“I know, isn’t it cute?” Kathy asked.
“Yeah, just as long as it doesn’t screw up our show.” Drew said.
“Who cares about the show, Drew, two of our friends are falling for each other and they don’t even know it!” Colin interjected.
Whoa, interjected! I clearly had a thesaurus. Also, Brad and I have just met-how are we already falling for each other? And when the hell did I become friends with them all? Aren’t I just meeting them as well?
“Really, Drew, is that show all you think about?” Ryan asked.
It is, you know, his job to worry about the show. He should probably think about it occasionally.
“Basically, yes.” Drew answered
“I wonder if Brad is going to ask Sara out,” Colin said, “They would be perfect for each other.”
Ohhh yeah. We’re definitely Meant To Be.
“Yeah, wait a sec Col, I can see the light bulb above your head now.” Ryan said accusingly, “You’re not thinking of fixing them up are you?”
“I always thought you could read my mind Ry.” Colin said.
Aww, Col’n’Ry. Such a cute couple.
“I don’t know about this…” Greg, Drew, Kathy all started.
...in unison? Do they practice this trick?
“Come on guys! We can all tell they like each other, why can’t we just help?”
Don’t, guys! Resist the horribly contrived plot! You can do it!
“OK, fine, I’m in.” Greg, Ryan and Kathy all said.
Way to hold firm. And again with the speaking in unison.
“Drew?” Colin asked, “What about you?”
Come on, Drew! You’re my last hold out!
“Fine.” he finally said.
...dammit.
“Great!” Colin said, “But first we need some details.”
After Sara was finished unpacking, she and Brad headed to the dining area.
...unpacking, wtf. Do we live in the trailers, or something?
The rest of the cast was already there. “Hi!” Everyone said. For some reason everyone kept smiling at them. ‘I wonder what they know,’ Sara thought. Brad had also noticed the strange behavior.
Again with the unison! I’m glad to know fic!me and fic!Brad are at least capable of noticing the glaringly obvious.
“OK, I feel like I’m in kindergarten and you guys all know something we don’t,” he said.
HOLY SHIT! A correctly punctuated line of dialogue! Study this specimen, ladies and gentlemen. It won’t occur often. Exactly why Brad feels like he’s in kindergarten, though, I couldn’t tell you.
‘Maybe that’s because we do’ Colin thought happily, ‘Don’t worry, you only have to wait a little bit longer to find out!’ He thought. After dinner was over, they all went to bed.
Hahaha, we ARE living in the trailers, what the hell? Most of these people have, you know, families!
It was around midnight, and it was thundering and lightning. “God I hate this type of weather!” Sara said to herself.
Lies. I love storms. What the hell, fic!me?
She decided to get a robe on and see if Brad was up. “Are you asleep?” She whispered through the door she held slightly ajar, that was separating their rooms.
“Not even close.” He said back, then got up and turned on the light.
“Oh, good! I hate this type of weather! I always have, mind if I stay up with you?” She asked.
Dun dun dun...I wonder what’s going to happen?!
“Nope, stay up with me if you want, you can keep me company.” He said. She sat across from him.
...where? It’s a trailer, and even if it apparently has two separate bedrooms, I doubt it’s that big.
“I don’t’ want this to sound lame but do you mind if I sit next to you? I’m kinda cold.” His heart skipped a beat, Did she just ask to sit by him? He must be dreaming!
...I’d get that heart looked at, Brad. Skipping beats can’t be good. Also, hello, random apostrophe. What are you doing in there?
“S-Sure, go ahead, if ya really want to” he stuttered back
He stuttered? Jesus Christ, fic!me just asked to sit next to him. The hell?
“Thanks.” As she snuggled up next to him he put his arm around her. ‘Wow,’ she thought, I feel really safe with his arm around me, this is so cool!’
Right. I still don’t know where they’re sitting.
When he put his arm around her, he expected her to say “Please!” then laugh in his face or something, but she didn’t, she just sat there, with a smile on her beautiful face.
Yikes, fic!Brad apparently thinks fic!me is a total bitch.
Oh how he wanted to kiss her, but he couldn’t, oh love was just so cruel.
Oh, woe, oh woe is me! My love for you is like the tide, flowing freely! So cruel, this love, for now I know true pain; to love, and not be loved in return. My fate is surely death!
Chapter 2: A Good Morning
It was ten-thirty, and Sara and Brad weren’t there yet. “Let’s go get them.” Colin suggested
“Yeah let’s.” Everyone else agreed.
(as dramatic voice over) The Whose Line performers have been replaced by automated answering machines. Can you tell the difference?
When they got to the guest trailer they knocked and no one answered so Drew used his master key to open the door.
a) I love how there’s only one guest trailer, despite the fact that Greg and Kathy were around, too, and they were always guests on the show.
b) A master trailer key? Really, self?
When they walked inside Kathy gasped “Look, how sweet!” she pointed to Sara and Brad snuggled up fast asleep in the armchair.
So...we were in an armchair. Wait, I thought there was a door somewhere-how did they see us?
“Well look what we have here,” Greg teased as he saw them wake up.
“Hi guys,” Brad and Sara said at the same time, both of them trying their best to act nonchalant.
Nonchalant? I knew some decent words for being twelve. What the hell was my obsession with people speaking at the same time, though? I also love my arbitrary dialogue punctuating.
“Well don’t you two look comfy,” Ryan added smirking
“What? It was thunder-storming last night, and I got scared so I came out here and he was still awake so we were keeping each other company, and I guess we fell asleep, so sue us!” Sara rattled back.
I...rattled back? What? So...wait. There’s only one bedroom, which I’m using, and Brad apparently has to sleep in the living room area, maybe? I’m trying to figure out what the hell this trailer looks like.
“In the same chair? Yeah, OK whatever you say Sara.” Colin quipped.
Okay, young!me. If you want to use good words, use them correctly.
“She was cold” Brad added.
“And let me guess, you volunteered to keep her warm, did you?” Greg teased. At this Brad turned beet red.
Dude, they caught us cuddling in a chair, not mid-coitus. The hell is the big deal?
“Let’s just forget this, OK? We need to get dressed so do you mind leaving while we change?” Sara said, almost pleadingly
“OK, meet us back on set ASAP though!” Drew called over his shoulder as they left.
Poor, neglected punctuation.
“Sorry, ‘bout that.” Brad said after Drew shut the door
“It’s OK, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day!” Sara answered giggling.
“Me too Sara, me too!”
Commas, periods, I love you both. I swear that I didn’t know what I was doing when I was abusing and neglecting you like this. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Chapter 3: The Long Day (OK so I couldn’t think of a title name, sue me!)
...but, that is a title. Not a particularly creative one, but it works.
After Sara and Brad were ready, walked toward the set.
Who walked toward the set? Sara and Brad? A squirrel? Santa Claus?
When they got there, they were greeted with a snide remark from Greg “Well if it isn’t the two snuggle bunnies.” He said.
That...wasn’t really that snide. It was mostly just lame.
Everyone burst into laughter
Wasn’t that funny, either.
and Brad and Sara turned beat red!
Beat red, really? Is that the color you turn after you get punched in the face?
“Ha, Ha, very funny Greg.” Sara rattled back.
Again with the rattled back. Also, what a scathing retort! However will Greg survive that massive burn?
“Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you need to tease us!” She said. At that everyone broke into laughter including Brad.
That also was not very funny. I must’ve been easily amused as a kid.
“Yeah, whatever” is all he could come back with.
Greg Proops, a professional comedian and noted smart ass, could only think of that? Sure, that’s real likely. And I love the random tense change.
Before they knew it, it was lunch time and Kathy quickly asked Sara to eat with her, she graciously accepted and they decided to eat outside.
Time sure moves quickly here in Bad!fic Land. I guess the run-on sentences help.
“So you like Brad?” Kathy asked. Sara almost choked on the carrot she was eating.
Clever, Kathy! I see you’re trying to kill off fic!me-I approve!
“What makes you say that?” she asked.
“Oh, Sara it’s too obvious!” she stated.
“Is it?” she asked?
Sadly, I don’t know, story-you’re supposed to tell me. I think it’s a bad sign when even the narration is confused.
“Darn, I was afraid of that.”
...okay, yes, I was twelve, but DARN? Really? Darn? How many twenty-five-year-olds do you know who say “darn”?
They both broke into giggles. “So I guess you caught me, who else knows?” She asked.
“Everyone! I told you it was obvious.” Kathy said
“Oh great,” she rolled her eyes “Do you think he likes me back?” Sara asked nervously.
I enjoy how my eyes can talk now, and the way Kathy and I are acting like...well, like twelve-year-olds.
“Most definitely!” Kathy said excitedly, “So what was up with the cuddle thing back in the trailer?” she asked
“Oh I knew you were going to ask me about that sooner or later, well the truth is it happened the way I said it did, and I was cold, except I didn’t ask him to put his arm around me, he did that on his own, and wow, I felt so safe, so protected from everything.” She said.
Dude, young!self. Commas =/= periods. And dude, I think I may vomit from the stupid.
“Oh how sweet” Kathy murmured to herself.
Sweet, sickening, potato, potahto...
Meanwhile.......back inside:
Uh-oh, period orgy! I guess I know where all my missing periods went to.
“So you like Sara do ya? Colin asked
“Does it show?” Brad asked
“Like a flashing neon light” Greg put in.
“Oh, that’s what I figured” Brad said.
I guess the guys are going to gossip, too. At least everyone’s consistently acting like they’re twelve.
“So what’s the story behind the chair cuddle” Ryan asked teasingly
“Nothing really,” said Brad going deep red “She told you what happened.”
Brad enjoys changing colors a lot, apparently.
“Yeah, but what did you think of it?” Colin asked
“I thought it was nice, we just kinda sat there for a couple seconds, and then I put my arm around her, and she didn’t say anything” Brad said
“Hmmmm, do you think it might be because she wanted it there, that maybe she likes you too?” Ryan asked.
Liek whoa, OMG! Brad and Sara? Awww, that’s ttlly kewl. I’ll tell Erin during study hall. Pass Cindy a note during Biology, and text me what she says!
“I dunno, I guess not.” Brad said, Just then Sara and Kathy walked through the door.
“Hi guys,” Kathy said, “What did you talk about?”
“Oh nothing much.” Ryan said with a smile.
Are the periods done with their orgy, yet? They’re needed elsewhere.
After they all came back from lunch they worked on the show.
Wait, all of them? How did that work? Whose Line only had four performers at a time. We have, like, three too many. And where the hell is Wayne in all this?
Brad was having trouble concentrating. He kept thinking about Sara, and was almost staring at her.
Almost staring? How do you almost stare at someone? Isn’t that kind of an all-or-nothing sort of deal?
Drew noticed this and said “Hey Brad, I’m over here!” and waved a hand in front of his face. Brand turned away and put his head down, how embarrassing! He thought. Sara smiled and had to keep from giggling, he was looking at me? She thought. That has to be a good sign!
I must state, for the record, that I am in no way responsible for any whiplash injuries the rapid POV-changes may cause you. Continue to read at your own risk.
Chapter 4: An interesting night
Before they knew it, it was time to turn in, so they all headed back to their trailers. When Sara and Brad got to theirs, Sara said “Brad, I am not that tired yet, do you want to go for a walk?”
I don’t know why I’m suddenly avoiding contractions again, but what can you do? It still cracks me up that we’re living in these trailers.
“Sure.” He answered. As they walked through the hall of the empty set Sara heard something crash.
Wait, dude, what? We’re going on a walk inside the set? Whyyyy?
“What was that?” she said.
“I dunno, nothing probably.” He said
“Still do you mind if I hold your hand? I’m kinda scared” she asked, and before he could answer she grabbed his hand, and held it in hers.
Lame, fic!me. Seriously lame.
All of a sudden, they were grabbed and thrown into a very small room.
Um, how? Brad Sherwood is a damn big guy. We didn’t even see who did it?
Brad tried the doorknob.
“It’s locked.” He said, then he noticed Sara was still holding on to his hand. “Let’s sit over here,” he said, then pointed to the corner.
“OK,” she said without hesitation. “Brad, do you mind putting your arm around me? It makes me feel safe.” She asked
Is it unhealthy to want to stab a fictionalized version of yourself?
“Sure,” he answered, surprised at her question.
“Thanks” she said
“Sara? Umm, I have to tell you something, I kind of have liked you since I first met you.” He said.
Why hello there, random declaration of feelings! How are you today?
“Really? Wow, that’s strange, I have liked you since I first met you too!” Sara said.
Crazy! What are the odds?!
Finally they looked at each other and their lips met in a very sweet and gentle kiss.
*barfs*
“It’s about time,” they heard someone say, they looked up, it was Colin Ryan, Greg, Drew, and Kathy.
Colin Ryan, while new to the group, had already learned the secret to their constant speaking in unison.
“Really, I thought you guys would be here all night!” Ryan said in mock annoyance.
“You guys set this all up?” Sara asked incredulously.
Whoohoo, correct use of ‘incredulously’!
“Yep, sure did” Colin said with pride
Gee, I didn’t see that coming. Did you?
“Well I have just one think to say to that” Sara said in mock anger.
Why are so many emotions being mocked now? Did they write bad fanfiction too?
“What’s that?” Everyone asked.
“STOP SPEAKING IN UNISON!” Sara yelled.
“THANK-YOU!” She yelled. Everyone laughed
THE END!
Hahaha, so that was the one that started it all. There are approximately thirty stories in this series. I’ve only managed to find twenty of them, but I’ll keep looking for the rest. Those ones have some of the prime ridiculousness in them-the last ten include the stories where we all get stranded on a deserted island!
Oh yeah. There’s so much more absurdity to come, eventually, don’t you worry.
A Short Lil’ Love Story
Incorrectly placed apostrophe, right off the bat! Oh, this is going to be fun.
By: Sara Coburn
Sadly. I was twelve.
Chapter 1: First Impressions
(OK you know the drill I don’t own anyone or anything related to whose line this is just fun.)
Holy run on sentence, batman! Why is the author’s note in the chapter, anyway?
“Why do the female performers have to be so pretty?” Brad asked himself after seeing the newest addition to “Whose Line?” Her name was Sara.
Naturally!
She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but cute. Not plain, more like simple. At 5’7”, 25 years old, with golden brown hair and blue eyes, she was cute.
I am only five foot seven in magical pretend land, though I suppose I have to give young!me some credit for not making my Sue-self a buxom goddess with sapphire-diamond eyes and long golden tresses. Gotta love the redundancy, though.
He was so taken aback he didn’t even say hi.
He was taken aback by...what? My overwhelming adorable?
Then he got the news, there weren’t enough trailers, so she had to share-with him!
That first comma is sadly misplaced. Poor comma. Are you lost, little fellow?
She will probably be so disgusted she won’t even loo k at me, he thought sadly. How very wrong he was.
...no, I don’t really know why I would be disgusted, either, but hey, nice random POV change!
Sara had just arrived when she saw him. Brad. He was the one person she had been dying to meet. But to her great disappointment, he didn’t even say hi to her. Maybe he is shy, she thought.
More random POV change! I love how fic!me doesn’t think in contractions. Apparently I’m Zelda now?
The she received the greatest news of all-she got to share a trailer with him! She was so excited!
How did I receive this news, exactly? Memo, telegram, carrier pigeon, what? Did I just automatically know, because it’s an incredibly obvious and contrived plot device?
Act natural, she kept telling herself as she made her way to the guest trailer. And to her surprise, there he was standing outside the trailer waiting-for her!
Whoa there, fic!me. Jumping the gun a little, aren’t you? He could just be standing around, taking a smoke break, or hell, waiting for someone else.
“Hi”, she said as she approached, “So I guess we’re trailer-mates.”
I see I needed some emergency comma help.
“Yeah, sorry about that” he answered
“Why would you be sorry?” she asked
“I dunno, you probably are bummed you have to share a trailer with me”
“Not at all”
Oh my god, the punctuation neglect! *sobs*
“Really?”
“Yeah, really, it will be fun to get to know you, but I should warn you, I am by far anything close to a neat freak”
What an awkwardly phrased sentence. I’m a little bit puzzled why I worded it that way instead of just saying, “I’m really messy.”
He chuckled. “Don’t worry about that, need any help?”
“Yeah thanks, umm... Can I call you Brad?”
(as Brad) “No. I only answer to the name Mr. Snugglebottoms.”
“As long as I can call you Sara.”
“Deal!” Wow! He thought, she is polite and easy to talk to! I really can’t wait to get to know her! I see he is a gentleman, well that’s nice to know,’ Sara thought with a sigh, I wonder if he likes me! Oh I hope so!
I was going to break that paragraph up but I thought I’d leave it because it’s hilarious. The POV change alone is enough to give you whiplash. No break, no nothing, not even a new paragraph! I also enjoy how I am supposedly twenty-five but have the thoughts of, say, a twelve-year-old? Intriguing!
Meanwhile, Drew, Colin, Ryan, Greg, and Kathy were watching this conversation.
...that’s kind of creepy. Where are they watching from? Don’t they have shit to do?
“They look like two lovesick teenagers.” Greg commented.
That sums up this whole story, pretty much.
“I know, isn’t it cute?” Kathy asked.
“Yeah, just as long as it doesn’t screw up our show.” Drew said.
“Who cares about the show, Drew, two of our friends are falling for each other and they don’t even know it!” Colin interjected.
Whoa, interjected! I clearly had a thesaurus. Also, Brad and I have just met-how are we already falling for each other? And when the hell did I become friends with them all? Aren’t I just meeting them as well?
“Really, Drew, is that show all you think about?” Ryan asked.
It is, you know, his job to worry about the show. He should probably think about it occasionally.
“Basically, yes.” Drew answered
“I wonder if Brad is going to ask Sara out,” Colin said, “They would be perfect for each other.”
Ohhh yeah. We’re definitely Meant To Be.
“Yeah, wait a sec Col, I can see the light bulb above your head now.” Ryan said accusingly, “You’re not thinking of fixing them up are you?”
“I always thought you could read my mind Ry.” Colin said.
Aww, Col’n’Ry. Such a cute couple.
“I don’t know about this…” Greg, Drew, Kathy all started.
...in unison? Do they practice this trick?
“Come on guys! We can all tell they like each other, why can’t we just help?”
Don’t, guys! Resist the horribly contrived plot! You can do it!
“OK, fine, I’m in.” Greg, Ryan and Kathy all said.
Way to hold firm. And again with the speaking in unison.
“Drew?” Colin asked, “What about you?”
Come on, Drew! You’re my last hold out!
“Fine.” he finally said.
...dammit.
“Great!” Colin said, “But first we need some details.”
After Sara was finished unpacking, she and Brad headed to the dining area.
...unpacking, wtf. Do we live in the trailers, or something?
The rest of the cast was already there. “Hi!” Everyone said. For some reason everyone kept smiling at them. ‘I wonder what they know,’ Sara thought. Brad had also noticed the strange behavior.
Again with the unison! I’m glad to know fic!me and fic!Brad are at least capable of noticing the glaringly obvious.
“OK, I feel like I’m in kindergarten and you guys all know something we don’t,” he said.
HOLY SHIT! A correctly punctuated line of dialogue! Study this specimen, ladies and gentlemen. It won’t occur often. Exactly why Brad feels like he’s in kindergarten, though, I couldn’t tell you.
‘Maybe that’s because we do’ Colin thought happily, ‘Don’t worry, you only have to wait a little bit longer to find out!’ He thought. After dinner was over, they all went to bed.
Hahaha, we ARE living in the trailers, what the hell? Most of these people have, you know, families!
It was around midnight, and it was thundering and lightning. “God I hate this type of weather!” Sara said to herself.
Lies. I love storms. What the hell, fic!me?
She decided to get a robe on and see if Brad was up. “Are you asleep?” She whispered through the door she held slightly ajar, that was separating their rooms.
“Not even close.” He said back, then got up and turned on the light.
“Oh, good! I hate this type of weather! I always have, mind if I stay up with you?” She asked.
Dun dun dun...I wonder what’s going to happen?!
“Nope, stay up with me if you want, you can keep me company.” He said. She sat across from him.
...where? It’s a trailer, and even if it apparently has two separate bedrooms, I doubt it’s that big.
“I don’t’ want this to sound lame but do you mind if I sit next to you? I’m kinda cold.” His heart skipped a beat, Did she just ask to sit by him? He must be dreaming!
...I’d get that heart looked at, Brad. Skipping beats can’t be good. Also, hello, random apostrophe. What are you doing in there?
“S-Sure, go ahead, if ya really want to” he stuttered back
He stuttered? Jesus Christ, fic!me just asked to sit next to him. The hell?
“Thanks.” As she snuggled up next to him he put his arm around her. ‘Wow,’ she thought, I feel really safe with his arm around me, this is so cool!’
Right. I still don’t know where they’re sitting.
When he put his arm around her, he expected her to say “Please!” then laugh in his face or something, but she didn’t, she just sat there, with a smile on her beautiful face.
Yikes, fic!Brad apparently thinks fic!me is a total bitch.
Oh how he wanted to kiss her, but he couldn’t, oh love was just so cruel.
Oh, woe, oh woe is me! My love for you is like the tide, flowing freely! So cruel, this love, for now I know true pain; to love, and not be loved in return. My fate is surely death!
Chapter 2: A Good Morning
It was ten-thirty, and Sara and Brad weren’t there yet. “Let’s go get them.” Colin suggested
“Yeah let’s.” Everyone else agreed.
(as dramatic voice over) The Whose Line performers have been replaced by automated answering machines. Can you tell the difference?
When they got to the guest trailer they knocked and no one answered so Drew used his master key to open the door.
a) I love how there’s only one guest trailer, despite the fact that Greg and Kathy were around, too, and they were always guests on the show.
b) A master trailer key? Really, self?
When they walked inside Kathy gasped “Look, how sweet!” she pointed to Sara and Brad snuggled up fast asleep in the armchair.
So...we were in an armchair. Wait, I thought there was a door somewhere-how did they see us?
“Well look what we have here,” Greg teased as he saw them wake up.
“Hi guys,” Brad and Sara said at the same time, both of them trying their best to act nonchalant.
Nonchalant? I knew some decent words for being twelve. What the hell was my obsession with people speaking at the same time, though? I also love my arbitrary dialogue punctuating.
“Well don’t you two look comfy,” Ryan added smirking
“What? It was thunder-storming last night, and I got scared so I came out here and he was still awake so we were keeping each other company, and I guess we fell asleep, so sue us!” Sara rattled back.
I...rattled back? What? So...wait. There’s only one bedroom, which I’m using, and Brad apparently has to sleep in the living room area, maybe? I’m trying to figure out what the hell this trailer looks like.
“In the same chair? Yeah, OK whatever you say Sara.” Colin quipped.
Okay, young!me. If you want to use good words, use them correctly.
“She was cold” Brad added.
“And let me guess, you volunteered to keep her warm, did you?” Greg teased. At this Brad turned beet red.
Dude, they caught us cuddling in a chair, not mid-coitus. The hell is the big deal?
“Let’s just forget this, OK? We need to get dressed so do you mind leaving while we change?” Sara said, almost pleadingly
“OK, meet us back on set ASAP though!” Drew called over his shoulder as they left.
Poor, neglected punctuation.
“Sorry, ‘bout that.” Brad said after Drew shut the door
“It’s OK, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a long day!” Sara answered giggling.
“Me too Sara, me too!”
Commas, periods, I love you both. I swear that I didn’t know what I was doing when I was abusing and neglecting you like this. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Chapter 3: The Long Day (OK so I couldn’t think of a title name, sue me!)
...but, that is a title. Not a particularly creative one, but it works.
After Sara and Brad were ready, walked toward the set.
Who walked toward the set? Sara and Brad? A squirrel? Santa Claus?
When they got there, they were greeted with a snide remark from Greg “Well if it isn’t the two snuggle bunnies.” He said.
That...wasn’t really that snide. It was mostly just lame.
Everyone burst into laughter
Wasn’t that funny, either.
and Brad and Sara turned beat red!
Beat red, really? Is that the color you turn after you get punched in the face?
“Ha, Ha, very funny Greg.” Sara rattled back.
Again with the rattled back. Also, what a scathing retort! However will Greg survive that massive burn?
“Just because you’re jealous doesn’t mean you need to tease us!” She said. At that everyone broke into laughter including Brad.
That also was not very funny. I must’ve been easily amused as a kid.
“Yeah, whatever” is all he could come back with.
Greg Proops, a professional comedian and noted smart ass, could only think of that? Sure, that’s real likely. And I love the random tense change.
Before they knew it, it was lunch time and Kathy quickly asked Sara to eat with her, she graciously accepted and they decided to eat outside.
Time sure moves quickly here in Bad!fic Land. I guess the run-on sentences help.
“So you like Brad?” Kathy asked. Sara almost choked on the carrot she was eating.
Clever, Kathy! I see you’re trying to kill off fic!me-I approve!
“What makes you say that?” she asked.
“Oh, Sara it’s too obvious!” she stated.
“Is it?” she asked?
Sadly, I don’t know, story-you’re supposed to tell me. I think it’s a bad sign when even the narration is confused.
“Darn, I was afraid of that.”
...okay, yes, I was twelve, but DARN? Really? Darn? How many twenty-five-year-olds do you know who say “darn”?
They both broke into giggles. “So I guess you caught me, who else knows?” She asked.
“Everyone! I told you it was obvious.” Kathy said
“Oh great,” she rolled her eyes “Do you think he likes me back?” Sara asked nervously.
I enjoy how my eyes can talk now, and the way Kathy and I are acting like...well, like twelve-year-olds.
“Most definitely!” Kathy said excitedly, “So what was up with the cuddle thing back in the trailer?” she asked
“Oh I knew you were going to ask me about that sooner or later, well the truth is it happened the way I said it did, and I was cold, except I didn’t ask him to put his arm around me, he did that on his own, and wow, I felt so safe, so protected from everything.” She said.
Dude, young!self. Commas =/= periods. And dude, I think I may vomit from the stupid.
“Oh how sweet” Kathy murmured to herself.
Sweet, sickening, potato, potahto...
Meanwhile.......back inside:
Uh-oh, period orgy! I guess I know where all my missing periods went to.
“So you like Sara do ya? Colin asked
“Does it show?” Brad asked
“Like a flashing neon light” Greg put in.
“Oh, that’s what I figured” Brad said.
I guess the guys are going to gossip, too. At least everyone’s consistently acting like they’re twelve.
“So what’s the story behind the chair cuddle” Ryan asked teasingly
“Nothing really,” said Brad going deep red “She told you what happened.”
Brad enjoys changing colors a lot, apparently.
“Yeah, but what did you think of it?” Colin asked
“I thought it was nice, we just kinda sat there for a couple seconds, and then I put my arm around her, and she didn’t say anything” Brad said
“Hmmmm, do you think it might be because she wanted it there, that maybe she likes you too?” Ryan asked.
Liek whoa, OMG! Brad and Sara? Awww, that’s ttlly kewl. I’ll tell Erin during study hall. Pass Cindy a note during Biology, and text me what she says!
“I dunno, I guess not.” Brad said, Just then Sara and Kathy walked through the door.
“Hi guys,” Kathy said, “What did you talk about?”
“Oh nothing much.” Ryan said with a smile.
Are the periods done with their orgy, yet? They’re needed elsewhere.
After they all came back from lunch they worked on the show.
Wait, all of them? How did that work? Whose Line only had four performers at a time. We have, like, three too many. And where the hell is Wayne in all this?
Brad was having trouble concentrating. He kept thinking about Sara, and was almost staring at her.
Almost staring? How do you almost stare at someone? Isn’t that kind of an all-or-nothing sort of deal?
Drew noticed this and said “Hey Brad, I’m over here!” and waved a hand in front of his face. Brand turned away and put his head down, how embarrassing! He thought. Sara smiled and had to keep from giggling, he was looking at me? She thought. That has to be a good sign!
I must state, for the record, that I am in no way responsible for any whiplash injuries the rapid POV-changes may cause you. Continue to read at your own risk.
Chapter 4: An interesting night
Before they knew it, it was time to turn in, so they all headed back to their trailers. When Sara and Brad got to theirs, Sara said “Brad, I am not that tired yet, do you want to go for a walk?”
I don’t know why I’m suddenly avoiding contractions again, but what can you do? It still cracks me up that we’re living in these trailers.
“Sure.” He answered. As they walked through the hall of the empty set Sara heard something crash.
Wait, dude, what? We’re going on a walk inside the set? Whyyyy?
“What was that?” she said.
“I dunno, nothing probably.” He said
“Still do you mind if I hold your hand? I’m kinda scared” she asked, and before he could answer she grabbed his hand, and held it in hers.
Lame, fic!me. Seriously lame.
All of a sudden, they were grabbed and thrown into a very small room.
Um, how? Brad Sherwood is a damn big guy. We didn’t even see who did it?
Brad tried the doorknob.
“It’s locked.” He said, then he noticed Sara was still holding on to his hand. “Let’s sit over here,” he said, then pointed to the corner.
“OK,” she said without hesitation. “Brad, do you mind putting your arm around me? It makes me feel safe.” She asked
Is it unhealthy to want to stab a fictionalized version of yourself?
“Sure,” he answered, surprised at her question.
“Thanks” she said
“Sara? Umm, I have to tell you something, I kind of have liked you since I first met you.” He said.
Why hello there, random declaration of feelings! How are you today?
“Really? Wow, that’s strange, I have liked you since I first met you too!” Sara said.
Crazy! What are the odds?!
Finally they looked at each other and their lips met in a very sweet and gentle kiss.
*barfs*
“It’s about time,” they heard someone say, they looked up, it was Colin Ryan, Greg, Drew, and Kathy.
Colin Ryan, while new to the group, had already learned the secret to their constant speaking in unison.
“Really, I thought you guys would be here all night!” Ryan said in mock annoyance.
“You guys set this all up?” Sara asked incredulously.
Whoohoo, correct use of ‘incredulously’!
“Yep, sure did” Colin said with pride
Gee, I didn’t see that coming. Did you?
“Well I have just one think to say to that” Sara said in mock anger.
Why are so many emotions being mocked now? Did they write bad fanfiction too?
“What’s that?” Everyone asked.
“STOP SPEAKING IN UNISON!” Sara yelled.
“THANK-YOU!” She yelled. Everyone laughed
THE END!
Hahaha, so that was the one that started it all. There are approximately thirty stories in this series. I’ve only managed to find twenty of them, but I’ll keep looking for the rest. Those ones have some of the prime ridiculousness in them-the last ten include the stories where we all get stranded on a deserted island!
Oh yeah. There’s so much more absurdity to come, eventually, don’t you worry.