Northern General -- Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Carlisle was still ill at ease the next morning on the train until he spied Edward -- then all concerns were forgotten. They both gave each other shy smiles before glancing away. Sitting next to each other, there was an awkward silence for the first time between them. Carlisle resisted the urge to reach out and hold his hand. Thinking about how silly the situation was becoming, Carlisle spoke.
"How are you feeling this morning?"
"I’m fine. And you?"
"I'm fine as well."
Carlisle surreptitiously looked at Edward who began to peer at him at the same time. They both burst out into laughter. Edward's loud snorts made Carlisle laugh even harder. They both ignored the people staring at them as they enjoyed their own private joke. Carlisle relished the awkwardness being broken, and they relaxed as the commute continued. It was understood that their budding relationship could not be witnessed in public. There was the fear of Edward’s father finding out about them as well as the possibility of jeopardizing Carlisle's career if the hospital knew. Due to HIPPA, they could not discuss their medical cases on the train, but there were always other subjects. The White Sox versus Cubs, Chopin versus Rachmaninoff, and even Marvel versus DC was debated, or rather, Carlisle listened to that one. As usual, the ride was over much too quickly. They climbed off the train still in deep into their conversation as they neared the hospital entrance. Edward stopped suddenly as he noticed the person standing just inside the hospital as they entered. Carlisle suppressed his anger and his growl while his mind shouted "mine".
Edward turned to Carlisle with a reassuring glance. "I'll see you later, Carlisle."
After greeting Jasper and exchanging pleasantries, Carlisle nodded and walked to his office. It was difficult for him to walk away, but appearances had to be maintained. He also had to keep his emotions in check. He left the two young humans as they walked in the opposite direction, appearing to be in an intense discussion. Even though they spoke in low hushed tones, he could hear Jasper’s concern and anger. Carlisle walked slowly away, making sure that there was no ill intent in Jasper's demeanor.
The rest of the day progressed well. Michael was showing improvement with diagnosing. He'd even prevented a crisis from occurring with a patient that would've gone into a diabetic coma.
Jasper and Edward appeared to be getting along. There was no animosity noted between the two of them as they worked together efficiently as colleagues. Jasper was still too touchy-feely, placing a hand on the small of Edwards back or occasionally on his shoulder. It was as if nothing had changed between them. Carlisle thought he could have misinterpreted Edward's feelings. After all, the boy had never declared his intentions. He had not verbalized exactly how he felt. Yes, they had kissed. But teenagers were unpredictable. Perhaps Edward was not ready for a serious relationship or maybe the boy was not ready for him. There was so much they needed to discuss.
It was sometime later when he heard a knock on his office door during a break.
"Come in."
Jasper appeared in the doorway." Is this a bad time?"
"Why not at all, Jasper. Have a seat. What brings you here?"
Jasper plopped down into the chair in front of his desk, stretching his legs out and crossing his ankles.
"I'm here about Edward."
Carlisle stood immediately." Is there something wrong with him ? Is he okay?" He started towards the door as Jasper remained in his seat.
"Calm down, Cullen. He's fine."
Carlisle returned to his seat bewildered.
"I want to know what's going on between you two."
He should have expected this. Jasper’s father always had the uncanny ability to read other people's emotions. His son had apparently inherited the talent. And although empathetic to other’s emotions, they rarely revealed too much of their own.
"What do you mean Jasper? Edward is one of my students."
"Edward and I were happy. Now he's been avoiding me. It's more than fear of his father. That was hovering over us before." Jasper sat up straight and leaned forward.
"Let me lay it out for you. I respect you as a doctor, as an instructor, and as a person. My father speaks highly of you. I don't dispute that. Hell, if I wasn't so Gung ho about Edward, I would've gone for you myself."
"Jasper, this conversation is highly inappropriate."
"Exactly, Cullen. Edward is inappropriate for you." Jasper face was expressionless as he continued to speak." I care about him. He's intelligent, sweet, and innocent. He's also young and impressionable. His old man is giving him a difficult time, but he loves his father. I think he has transferred some of his feelings for his father towards you, and you are taking advantage of him."
"I would never take advantage of him. I too care about Edward. I consider him a friend as well as a student."
"I’m not here for bullshit, Cullen. I can feel the emotions emanating from the both of you whenever you two are in the same room, let alone the same building. He has no business being with you and you know it. You’ll only end up hurting him. What would happen to Edward when people find out, or do you plan on keeping him your dirty little secret? He's had enough heartbreak, Cullen. He does not need any more." Jasper stood up and leaned over Carlisle’s desk for emphasis. "I’m so much better for him, Cullen, and deep down you know this." He stared intently into Carlisle’s eyes. "If you love him, you will let him go."
Carlisle had grown angry over Jasper’s declarations for his mate and stood up, meeting Jasper’s gaze.
"Maybe you should talk to Edward. After all, it is he who should have a say in this. You two look like you were getting along pretty well today." Carlisle could not help the insinuation and hurt in his voice.
"He offered me friendship," Jasper snorted. "I took it like a hungry hound grateful for scraps. I’ll be there for him when he needs me. I can be pretty persuasive. And it's only a matter of time."
"Why do you need me to back off if you have everything under control?" Carlisle snarled.
Jasper’s eyes became shiny and emotional.
"I came to you out of concern for Edward’s welfare. I love him, Cullen. I’m going to fight for him, and it could get ugly. I don’t want to see him hurt in the fray. I’m asking you to do the same." Jasper stood up tall and swaggered out of the office like something out of High Noon.
Carlisle sat back at his desk as Jasper left his office. All the deliberations and reservations about pursuing a relationship with Edward were back without any resolutions on the horizon, if anything, it was worse.
He needed Edward. Needed to feel his presence; he needed reassurance -- that he was doing the right thing. He busied himself finishing paperwork. The discussion with Jasper had left him unsettled. Tanya was right in one aspect: if he were to do things the vampire way, life would be so much simpler for him. But he also knew from his conscience that would be the selfish way. Vampires were selfish by nature. They had strong self-preservation and very little compunction which corresponded well with sucking the life blood out of others. He himself had never tasted human blood. Even as a newborn his Anglican minister father's teachings still resonated in his very being -- a part of his DNA embedded to his very core. He starved himself until he caught whiff of a deer and had been a vegetarian since. It allowed him to live amongst humans without giving into blood lust. Praying every day also helped to stay closer to his human roots and to God.
He remembered one of his father’s sermons about humans being created in sin. With their being created through blood and death, Vampires embodied that to the extreme. They were highly intelligent with brains at a higher functioning capacity than any human could ever be. But God seemed to even the score, giving vampires hyper emotions to accompany the intelligence; the emotions usually won out over reason. Volturi was the first place he found vampires with some civility by vampire standards. He was enamored of Aro, the leader of the vampire community. Like him, Aro was a knowledge seeker. He had amassed large quantities of books and art, creating libraries and small museums to hold his sacred artifacts. But for all their common pursuits, Aro believed strongly in human blood consumption. Carlisle’s vegetarian ways were an abhorrence to him. The vampire leader felt he was the embodiment of what a vampire was meant to be and that all vampires should aspire to his standard, no matter how unlikely that could ever be. It was Aro and his two brothers who also created and enacted laws that all vampires had to follow without fail. The most important and number one rule: no vampire could reveal their existence. He allowed Carlisle to continue to interact with humans in his capacity, understanding that if anyone could without disclosure it would be him -- the "Strogeni Benefici".
But Aro would be insulted if Carlisle were to choose a mate and not inform him of such. The vampire leader had often tried matchmaking while he was in Volterra in hopes of keeping him bound there. Aro felt that all he had needed was a mate to help ground him and mend his abnormal proclivities toward humans. He wondered what Aro’s reaction would be toward his chosen mate.
Edward.
He missed him already. He needed to speak to him. He had to discover how serious Edward was about their relationship and explain to the boy again how committed he was.
A knock on the door broke him out of his reverie. He knew who it was before he answered.
"Come in."
He smiled as his Edward came into his office. Once again all doubts and fears were halted. Once the door was completely closed, he took Edward into his arms for an intimate embrace. He needed to touch him, smell him. He knew he could never again exist without him. The intensity of the emotion frightened him, and he was concerned that it might scare Edward, but he did not know how to curb his feelings for long periods of time. He realized that each day was going to become less bearable if he could not hold Edward in his arms as he was doing at that moment; just going about his day in the hospital, knowing that he was so close and yet unattainable was torture. He kissed his temple and led him to the chair that Jasper had vacated earlier.
"I’m happy to see you but it’s late. Shouldn’t you be on your way home?
"I had to see you, Carlisle. We need to talk."
Carlisle’s heart sank when he noticed how stressed Edward appeared, and those words "we need to talk", sounded ominous to his ears. He tried not to convey his apprehension as he gave the boy an open expression of attentiveness although his smile may have wavered a tad.
"We had never really discussed what happened between us yesterday. I need to understand exactly what this means for us… I mean I understand that you are my instructor and that we cannot make this public, plus with my father… What I mean is…I ‘ve been giving this a great deal of thought and have come to the conclusion that I’m not ready for a relationship right now… if that is what you were trying to say last night."
A chill ran down Carlisle spine, but he composed himself.
"I know this is so sudden Edward. Believe me; I was caught unawares of my deep feelings for you. I thought it was only friendship at first, but I know it something much more now. These feelings may be new for you, my love, and I understand you may need time to adjust to them. I will not pressure you into anything. We can take this as slow as necessary."
"No, Carlisle. I know you would never hurt me…but…"
"But what, Edward?" Carlisle stood up and walked over to Edward, kneeling down at the side of his chair. He stared up at the teen imploringly, rubbing his thumb over the back of the boy’s hand. "Do you love me, Edward? Did I presume too much?"
"No, Carlisle." Edward’s expression was even more anguished than before and Carlisle was still in the dark to which question the boy had answered.
"Edward, do you love me?"
The boy looked away and nodded his head. Carlisle breathed a sigh of relief. Empowered with the knowledge that his interpretations of the boys feeling were not wrong, he reached out and gently pulled Edward’s chin, turning the boy's face to him, seeing tears in his eyes.
"I need to hear you say it, Edward. Please, this is important. I too am afraid."
Edward slowly shook his head and stood up, the tears falling.
"I can’t do this right now, Carlisle. You don’t understand."
Angry, Carlisle stood. "What don’t I understand, Edward?" He saw the boy flinch at his harsh tone. "You can secretly see Jasper but not me."
Edward looked shocked and hurt but he couldn’t stop. His fears as well as his anger, enhanced by his vampire emotions, were surfacing.
"Am I too old for you …too different, too pale?"
"No, Carlisle," Edward said shaking his head. "How could you say those things? You are perfect and the only difference is that you are more beautiful than most."
Carlisle walked over to Edward and grabbed his arms. "Goddammit, Edward, just tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it. I’m not giving up on us, not when we have just found what we mean to each other." He grasped the boy in a tight embrace as if to hold him there forever. It was irrational, but it was all he could think of doing at the moment. Edward struggled, pushing against him until Carlisle reluctantly released him.
"Edward, please…"
Edward pushed him away, refusing to meet his gaze.
"My father has gotten worse. The housekeeper called me a little while ago. He didn’t go to work today. My father was always functional no matter how much he drank. She said he’s been depressed and drinking all day. I have to find some way to help him; I owe this to him. I owe this to my mother. I want to be with you but I don’t know how I can. It could push my father over the edge if he finds out. I think we should put our relationship on hold for now. My life is just too complicated at this time. Please try to understand."
"What are you really saying, Edward, because the only thing I understand is that you don’t want me, not in the way I want you."
"I’m not sure what I feel for you, Carlisle. I mean I know I have feelings for you, but I can’t afford to let it go any further right now. You deserve better than me, someone without all the baggage…someone who you won’t have to hide or be ashamed of."
After getting over the initial shock of the boy’s words, Carlisle felt gutted. He felt physical pain that had him slightly bowed over. Carlisle pleaded, "You’re wrong. I could never be ashamed of you. Yes, we can’t go public, but that won’t be forever. Once you graduate school…"
Edward interrupted him. "This could affect your whole career, Carlisle. I can’t have that over my head with everything else."
Carlisle suddenly heard something Edward wasn’t saying. He felt the venom pooling in his mouth, and he spit the next words out with bitterness.
"You’ve been talking to Jasper about us, haven’t you? He put all these ideas in your head." From Edward’s guilty expression, he knew he had surmised correctly.
Ashamed, Edward looked down at his feet. "He figured it out and I couldn’t lie to him. He just seemed to know. He said he knew how we felt about each other. But it doesn’t matter. Jasper is right. We can’t do this."
"Don’t you think that Jasper may have an ulterior motive? He still wants you, Edward. He told me as much earlier today."
"I know he still has feelings for me, but he knows I could never reciprocate them. Not now."
"Really, because it doesn’t look that way to me. But maybe it’s not about feelings but about sex. Lord knows, I’ve seen you two hot and heavy together enough times." Before Carlisle had realized it, he had Edward’s arms in a tight grip.
"Carlisle, stop…"
"No, you stop! You two are still sleeping together, aren’t you? Has this all been a game to you, Edward?"
"Carlisle, you’re hurting me."
He released the boy and tried to examine his arms but Edward backed away from him. "I’m so sorry, Edward. Please forgive me. Are you hurt?" He could not believe he had loss control and harmed his mate. Frustrated more with himself than Edward, he ran his hands through his hair and started pacing, trying to control his emotions.
"I’m sorry, Carlisle. I wanted to let you know before you heard it from someone else. I think it would be best for me to move out of my house. I can help my father from a distance where I won’t be a constant reminder of my mother and a constant disappointment for him. Maybe if I’m not there, it would help him heal. I’m moving in with Jasper. His father has purchased him a condominium and he asked me to move in with him. I feel it would be best for everyone around."
"Edward, please…please don’t do this. We can work this out."
"There is nothing to work out. Why would you want someone like me anyway? After all, I’m just a whore." Edward walked out of the office, closing the door behind him without giving Carlisle a second glance.
Feeling more remorseful than angry, Carlisle opened the door and walked out, trying to catch Edward, only to see him walking toward Jasper.
Chapter 7