[FIC] Star Trek: What We Need to See [3/8] (Kirk/Bones, R)
Title: What We Need to See [3/8]
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 7207 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
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The Art | The Mix
Consciousness returned, in small doses, a splitting white light that stabbed straight into the meat of his brain. There was a hissing, spitting sound like loud white noise, echoing again and again, and Jim gagged on the taste of his own blood. Couldn't seem to get up, something was holding him down even as he tried again and again to rise.
The hissing slowly faded into silence, and he was more afraid of the silence than he was of the hissing. I'm going deaf. What happened!? Can't breathe...!
Then the world turned on its edge, and Jim started coughing as something slammed into his back. He spat out blood, keeping his eyes tightly closed. The pulse of his heart matched the pain in his skull, but beyond that, the silence began lifting. He heard his name, faraway as if in a tunnel, echoing in his head. "Jim, don't move." There was a far away moaning sound.
They were carrying him, laying him out on the ground, cool hands examining his back, his head, his abdomen. "Doesn't feel like anything's broken," he heard Bones say. "Jim, if you can hear me, blink." Jim hesitantly opened his eyes and immediately shut them again. Oh, oh... did that hurt. He heard that moaning sound again, and started to realize it was himself.
There was a sigh of relief from Bones. "He's conscious," Bones' voice called out to the other man. "I don't want to move him for a while."
"I hate to argue with you, Doc," Jim could hear Yamaguchi standing a few feet away from them. "But this ground is still unstable, and the tunnel's likely to come down on us. We need to at least get him out of the tunnel." The Security man's voice was persuasive, worried, and soft as if he was afraid his voice might start a chain reaction.
Jim tried to reach up and grab at Bones' shirt, but his hand flopped in a way that reminded him of a fish out of water, uncoordinated and desperate. He started to figure out what was going on - he was hurt, bad. His tongue was bleeding and swollen, and that was all he could taste. He tried to say something to Bones, but had to spit out more blood. Tasted terrible.
"He's not in any shape to move on his own." Bones went silent for several painful heartbeat-pangs in the back of his skull, then growled. "Okay, let's just get him out of here and somewhere safer." Together they managed to get Jim up and between the two of them carried him some unknown distance. Jim's consciousness faded in and out as they moved, but when they stopped, he realized he could hear trickling water. "Let me get this all clean." Jim risked a glance, listening more than watching as Bones tore at his already ripped-up shirt. The cool water helped to revive Jim, though the pain in his head was excruciating as Bones started to gently clean the wound on the back of his head.
"The sun's almost over head," Yamaguchi said. "How are we going to reach the Eye like this?" It wasn't an unkind question, only a statement of fact that with one of them hurt, it would slow them down, and Jim knew it.
We need to keep moving, we can't stop because of me, Jim tried to tell them, but his voice only grated and choked. He couldn't have been more grateful when Yamaguchi suddenly was there with a cupped hand full of water. He drank it down, but it hurt just to do that and his throat felt clogged with muck. He slowly looked up at Bones again, focusing on his face. "...you 'kay?"
Bones looked angry and scared at the same time. "You got hit on the head back there. You pushed me out of the way, and got yourself hurt." The cleaning started to get more aggressive.
Oh, that hurt. Jim closed his eyes again. "You're okay, though?" No wonder every part of him hurt so badly, but it was worth it. He was pretty sure at least.
Bones was quiet, didn't answer him, so Jim opened his eyes to see what was wrong. Hazel eyes were dark and sad. "I'm fine," Bones said softly, using a bit of the cloth to clean Jim's face. "I wish..." Bones sighed, his fingers tender as they wiped dirt and sweat off Jim's forehead. "I wish you hadn't done that."
A little smile touched Jim's face. "...wouldn't have forgiven myself if you got hurt. How bad is it, doc? Gonna live?" He didn't want Bones to get down, not now. They needed to get through this. Getting hurt and what happened immediately before it was fuzzy to non-existent in his memories, but there had been other similar moments in his life to this, and those memories usually came back to give him a poor night's sleep in the future. Something to look forward to.
His weak attempt at joking got a little snort out of Bones, so he couldn't have been too bad. "Yeah, you'll live, I'm sure there are many more adventures left in you that'll give me a heart attack or two." His face got serious again. "Look, Jim, be honest with me. Can you walk some?"
"Maybe," Jim said honestly, though it took all three of them to get him to his feet, the world swaying dangerously below him.
"I'll help him," Yamaguchi said immediately, and with that offered shoulder helping him stay balanced, Jim could at least stay upright.
Jim looked to Bones and gave a pained smile. "I'll live. But we need to keep moving." Besides, it was a lot easier to focus on their task than focusing on how much his head hurt. There was nothing they could do for now about what had happened, and the heat of the jungle was getting stronger by the minute. Without their guide, who knew how long it would take them to reach their destination tonight. Jim thought about Ruud, wondered if he were making the same journey, or if he'd been caught by the creatures.
Once or twice, as they made their way at a severely reduced speed through the jungle, Jim thought he caught the shadow of something out of the corner of his eye, and hoped it was their young Tuataran friend. But when he turned his aching head, all he saw was the blurred edges of his peripheral vision. It continued throughout the morning as they traveled, Jim being assisted by Yamaguchi, then Bones, then back again in turns to keep them moving as quickly as possible. The landscape around him was getting fuzzy, out of focus. The back of his head throbbed with each step he took.
One of the worst things that could possibly happen was happening, and for the first time in a long time, Jim didn't know what he was going to do. How was he supposed to make it through another day of this, when he couldn't concentrate on anything beyond the edges of his skull? He could still taste blood and played with the sore edge of his bitten tongue, and the landscape was passing as a blur. Sometimes he had to lean on Bones and concentrate just on getting one foot in front of the other, not wanting to keep them from getting to their destination. Wouldn't be the weak one.
At one point Jim stumbled hard over something on the ground and nearly took Bones down with him. He managed to catch himself, just in time, but it was enough to grab the doctor's attention. "Jim, you okay?" Bones asked, looking more closely at him, his face frustrated. "Fuck, what I wouldn't give for a scanner right now."
What good was telling the truth? There was nothing Bones could do to help, and it would just have him worried more. "Just a headache, tired... damn roots on the ground." He tried for a good-natured grin, despite the pounding against his skull. A sick part of him wanted to reach up and feel the knot on his skull he knew to be there under Bones' quickly made bandages.
Bones didn't look like he quite believed him, but he nodded, sadly. "Let's just get where we need to go," he finally said, unhappiness written all over his face.
They continued on, Yamaguchi taking the lead, Bones supporting Jim. A few hours passed and when the sun was at its apex they stopped for a few moments by a stream, Jim resting by the water. By that point, everything was blurry, and Jim's hope that it would get better waned with each unfocused step. Splashing water on his face did nothing but remind him how thirsty he was, and when Bones put some berries in his hand, Jim stared at them, unable to see them clearly without holding them close to his face. Bones better have gotten the right ones, he thought grimly to himself, unfairly to Bones, as he pressed them slowly into his mouth, savoring each bite of food which only made him feel more hungry when he was done.
He shook his head; it didn't matter. This wasn't real hunger, not yet. It hadn't even been two days yet since he had eaten properly. Even if it was berries and bugs, it was still food. Hunger only came when there was nothing at all. At least he could focus on the coolness of the water and rest himself. Blurry vision wasn't the end all of things.
They switched positions, Bones taking the point as Yamaguchi helped Jim walk. Jim suspected Yamaguchi knew how bad his vision was getting, but didn't say anything. The security man just led Jim along as best as he could, finding the clearest path through the rough jungle. It was getting dark now - not for the others, Jim knew that it reality it was mid-day, but for him. Jim's limited vision was starting to falter, and his greatest fears were coming true.
Soon he might not be able to see at all.
Which made it all the more important the small group get as far as they could now. Jim tried to concentrate on Bones' voice ahead of them, his angry muttering over the thick vegetation, or lack of proper diagnostic tools, or just how fucking hungry he was. Then he felt Yamaguchi stop. "Look, there's a big tree that's fallen over," he said in a lowered voice to Jim. "Gonna be hard to climb over, Captain. Let's go this way," he said, leading Jim to the left.
Jim followed, tripping over a vine as they continued on their way. "Shit, sorry," he muttered.
"Watch it, its a little unstable," Yamaguchi continued, his voice tinged with worry as they started moving slower. His feet were getting bogged down, as if they were walking in thick mud, squishing uncomfortably as he felt himself slipping, holding tight onto Yamaguchi. Then it happened, and Jim felt himself falling, waist deep into the sludge, the ground beneath him completely liquid now. Worse yet, he lost Yamguchi's arm, the two of them separated when Jim lost his footing.
"Fuck- no," he called out, reaching out for something to grasp, anything as panic filled him. Everything in front was a blur of light and shadows and he couldn't hear Yamguchi anymore, just a flopping noise, someone panting next to him. "Bones!" he screamed out as loud as he could. "Bones!"
It was at his chest now, his arms getting heavier to lift as he tried to find something to hold on to. "Stay still, I'm almost there!" he heard Bones call out, but Jim wasn't sure who Bones was speaking to. There was a wet twack sound directly in front of him, and when he reached out, his hand wrapped around something, ropey like a piece of vine. "Grab it!" All at once, even in his panic, Jim realized what he was in, and he grabbed for the vine Bones had thrown.
"Where is he?" Jim called out, not hearing anything else from his security officer. "Bones, can you see him?"
"Dammit, Jim, grab it!" Bones called out again. "I can't... reach you..."
Jim's hands tugged the vine, checking to see how secure it was - felt strong enough - and he pulled as hard as he could, but the time spent in the quicksand had sapped most of his remaining strength, and holding on was about as much as he could do. Gotta get out of here, he said to himself. Taking a deep breath, he pulled, feeling his body sliding through the sludge. Again. Jim took another breath and pulled again, heaving himself though it until he felt a hand on his arm.
"I got-you... there," Bones exhaled, looping one hand under Jim's arm, pulling him out of the thick mud. "There," he said, both of them flopped on the ground, loudly catching their breath. "Fuck..." Bones sighed quietly. "God fucking dammit!"
"Adam! You've gotta get him!" Jim screamed through a rasp, his world upside down - which way was up anymore?! - as he tried to turn back in Yamaguchi's direction, searching for bright red. "Please, Bones, get him!"
Just panting coming from Bones, a strangled, frustrated noise. "Couldn't, sunk too fast," he said, starting to wipe the sludge off of Jim's body. "I- shit. He's gone, Jim."
No. "No." Jim struggled to get up, focusing on bright blue to grab at Bones' shirt and curl his fingers into the material. "He can't be, Bones. Get him." Yamaguchi had saved his life, catching him before he went off the cliff. He couldn't be dead!
But Bones was holding him back. "Sit down!" he said, arms wrapping around Jim to keep him from moving. "It's too late. Fuck, I'm sorry." Hands were holding Jim's face now, Bones right in front of him. "What's wrong with your eyes, Jim?"
Jim struggled to get free until everything seemed to drain out of him all at once. He let out a sound he didn't mean to, ragged and deep in his chest. His head turned to the side, but he couldn't see Bones anymore and it was terrifying. He looked back to Bones, staring at him. He was framed in black, and what he could see was fuzzy. Just dark holes where Bones' eyes should have been. Jim said nothing at all, because there was nothing he could say. His golden tongue deserted him entirely.
Then Bones' arms were around him, and Jim could feel him shaking. "Shit," Bones whispered quietly. "Shit." Bones was the realistic one, most of the time, and hearing him sound so afraid made the knot in his stomach that much worse. "Its gonna be okay, Jim. We're gonna get outta here, I promise." It wasn't hard to hear the fear in his voice, no matter how much Bones seemed to be trying to hide it. "I wish we could stay here until you felt better but we gotta walk now."
"Bones, I can't, how are we..." Jim closed his eyes for a second, trying to focus. He thought about it, what he was supposed to be. He was the Captain, and he had crew that he needed to get safe. Even if it was the last thing he did. Yamaguchi had saved his life, and he had failed to return the favor. He had to save Bones, at least. After a long silence, just their panting against the constant noise of the jungle, Jim whispered, "...Let's go."
Jim opened his eyes, but now there was nothing but darkness.
Bones didn't know what to do. They were being hunted on a strange planet, half the away team killed. Jim couldn't see. And Bones had less than a day to get the two of them to the top of that hill in the distance, or they might not ever make it out of here.
It was all up to him now. "Okay. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna keep moving, but slow at first. If you're hurting, dammit, you need to let me know and we'll stop. I don't want to fuck this up any more..." Any more than he already had. Jim losing his vision, shit, from an injury that he couldn't fix. Some fucking doctor, he thought to himself. Without his little bag of tools, he was worthless.
But Bones was going to get Jim to the top of that mountain if it killed him. Jim, who was sitting there, looking scared and determined at the same time, and Bones had never been prouder of him than that moment. He reached down and took Jim's hands in his own, and began to pull him up. Jim climbed to his feet, something undefinable lacking in his movements; an amount of grace in his fighter's body was gone in the face of this uncertainty.
Jim's head turned in the direction of Bones but didn't look directly at him. "No stopping," Jim said quietly, his face full of quiet determination. "We need to just get there and do whatever this bullshit is they want us to."
"Okay then," Bones said, squeezing his hand. Had to sound positive. "This is the plan. We're gonna beeline for that mountain over there, get as far as we can. I'm gonna grab as many of those berries along the way so we'll have something in our stomachs before we have to climb." One arm circled Jim's waist, pulling him close to his side. "And we're gonna have to figure out the best way to move, together."
Jim leaned into Bones' warmth, but he was tense. It was clear Jim's balance was off. "Just get moving, I'll keep up." Beneath his words were the silent or die trying that neither of them wanted to hear aloud.
It was slow at first, making their way but soon they found a rhythm, taking short, steady steps, with Bones giving quiet directions regarding the trail. He looked for the smoothest path, make it easier for Jim to walk. After a while the jungle began to thin out, and the sounds of running water ahead made Bones both happy and worried. They both needed something to drink, to stave off dehydration, but the moving water sounded fast. A river wasn't what he wanted to deal with right now.
Sure enough, it was moving fast enough that Bones had to think a moment about how to best approach this. "You thirsty?" he asked, leading Jim over to a bank where they could sit a moment and get some water.
"Yeah," Jim said quietly, his usual spark missing in his voice. That told Bones a lot, just how afraid Jim was. Bones had only seen that kind of fear a few times in the years they'd known each other, but it came across in Jim's eyes, the tone under his voice. A captain couldn't be afraid, but a human could, and Bones knew that human very well. Every minute they were out here in this stinking jungle decreased the chances that he could do anything for Jim when, if, they got back to the Enterprise. Every minute meant a higher chance that infection would settle into the ugly wound on the back of his head, and that the damage would be permanent.
Bones settled Jim on the bank, almost reaching out to help Jim's hands find the water as he saw Jim feeling along the ground. His own hand was halfway out towards Jim's before he realized Jim wouldn't want too much help, and resisted the urge. Instead he waited long enough to see Jim's fingers sink into the cool water before drinking some water himself. "Not too much," he said automatically, knowing he was telling Jim something he already knew, but hell... he was the doctor, even if he was a shitty one right now. "The water's moving pretty fast, so we're gonna have to take it slow." Only a few minutes rest before one hand rested on Jim's shoulder. "Ready?"
"How deep is it?" Jim asked, getting up and holding onto Bones until he was steady. His head turned out towards the water, almost visibly straining to hear what he couldn't see.
Bones tightened his grip on Jim's arm. "Not sure, but... it'll be okay. Just slow steps, and don't let go." They entered the water, shallow enough at first, getting deeper just as the water began moving fast around their thighs. "Doing great, Jim," Bones said, holding on best he could as they walked carefully. Every once in a while Bones hit a slippery rock and felt himself slide, but each time he managed to catch himself before they both went under.
By the time they got to the other side, Jim's face was unreadable. His lips were white from being pressed together, and his fingers dug into Bones' skin through the torn uniform. Those usually bright blue eyes were wide, staring at nothing, the pupils dilated. It was the quiet, more than anything, that worried Bones. "You did great," he said, still holding Jim close even though they were out of the water. "You need to rest?"
"No." Usually Jim would have made a joke here, about how the water would keep them cool, or how Bones worried like an old woman. The pause that passed before Jim spoke again seemed agonizingly long, enough to make Bones' stomach sink with concern. "...Just cooler now, right? Got to make it to that place Ruud told us about."
"Yeah," Bones said, carefully wiping a bit of dirt off Jim's face. Seeing him like this, those beautiful eyes of his dead and listless - that hurt Bones deep inside somewhere, some place he hadn't felt in a long time. "We're gonna get there, Captain. It's right over there, we're close now," he said, hoping his voice sounded encouraging. There was still a hell of a long way to go, but the last thing he wanted was to sound scared.
He wasn't sure how successful he was at that.
"It's supposed to be at the top, right?" Jim shook his head, visibly trying to remember.
"Right," Bones repeated, instantly worried. He had no idea how hard Jim had hit his head, but could guess it was not only enough to rattle his brain, possibly fracture the skull, and from the loss of vision, damaged the occipital lobe. In his heart, he knew that this constant moving was only doing more damage in the long run, but if they could get back to the ship, Bones hoped he'd be able to reverse it. Had to... To imagine Jim without his sight, that was unthinkable.
They began walking again, and as they passed bushes with safe fruit on them, Bones would pick the berries and press a few into Jim's hand and his own mouth. He caught Jim pocketing about half of the food he was given and started to tell him to eat it now, but Jim turned his head and the dark look on his face, something Bones didn't know how to read, made his words fall short. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea, after all who knew when they would find more food.
It felt like they had walked halfway to Earth, and yet no where at all, and soon it got so dark Bones was having trouble seeing the jungle floor. At least they were hitting elevation, Bones could feel that they were going higher now, leaving the jungle and hitting a different sort of terrain. But they weren't going to go much further in the impending darkness. There was no choice, even as he looked up the path they were climbing on the mountain. They had to stop.
He was left even more at odds when the first question out of Jim's mouth was "How much further?" as soon as Bones said it was too dark to see.
"We're gonna stop here," Bones told him, looking around. There was a rock wall with a bit of a ledge they could use a cover for the night. "Stand here for right now," Bones added, putting Jim's hand on the rock so he could feel it. Looking around, there was some fallen wood on the ground - not much, but maybe enough. "I'm gonna make a fire. Stay right here, okay?"
"Tell me the truth, Bones." Jim sat down, but he was trying to follow the sounds of Bones moving around, wincing with each turn of his head. "How much further before we get to the top?"
"I don't know," Bones answered honestly. "It doesn't look too far, but-" Sounds from the jungle were getting louder, that noise they both recognized as the creature that attacked them that morning. "I think we need to worry about staying safe and quiet tonight, then get to the top in the morning, as soon as the sky gets light." Putting the fire together wasn't as easy as he hoped. He had his wood piled up and some little bits of grass for kindling, but fuck if he hadn't made a fire like this since that damned survival course they all had to take,and even then, it hadn't been easy. "Sit tight... this might take a while," he added, starting to rub his sticks together. "Why don't you eat some of those berries you got in your pocket."
Jim let out a sigh and got up, feeling his way until his hand encountered Bones' thigh. Jim moved behind him, arms sliding around until his hands were on either side of Bones' torso, feeling at the sticks. Bones tensed, curious before he understood what Jim was trying to do. "Even now, you can do this better than me," he chuckled softly as Jim's hands began working the sticks, demonstrating what needed to happen, and letting Bones get the feel of it, the rhythm of turning and applying pressure, over and over again. Bones could feel Jim's breathing on his neck, the solidness of him against his back warm and comforting, which was fucked up, since he was the one that was supposed to be taking care of Jim.
After a while, Bones seemed to get the idea, and taking the sticks, he settled comfortably on the ground and began to work in earnest, turning and pressing until small wafts of smoke began to appear. "Thank fuck," he sighed, quickly adding the kindling and giving it a little puff of his breath until the tiny flame appeared.
"Guessing that means you got it. Congratulations, you can keep yourself warm at night," Jim said with a bit of irony in his voice, considering how damn hot it was. He sat back, but his shoulders were hunched forward, his nostrils flared, prepared for something he couldn't see.
Bones watched him for a moment. "I'm gonna get some more berries, I'll be close. Right here," he said as he started looking for something to eat in the bushes close to camp. Unfortunately, they were few and far between. By the time he returned, Jim had discovered the outcrop they were hiding against. His back was pressed to it, the fire blazing nicely in front of him. His knees were pulled up, and he was staring at the fire, unintentionally but in a way that would end up damaging his eyes if he wasn't careful. They really needed to remain closed, to keep from getting dried out, scratched, or worse, Bones knew this, but there wasn't much he could do here. "You should sleep, if you can," Bones told him, settling down next to Jim, putting half the the stash of berries he'd gathered into Jim's hands.
"...Not tired." But Jim started to eat the berries, one by one, slowly and steadily. His eyes closed, and he licked his lips. "I can't keep watch with you."
"Don't worry 'bout me," Bones answered, trying to make it as comfortable as he could for Jim. "I got extra sleep last night, remember?" he added with a little gruffness to his voice. "Rest, Jim, please. Your body needs it."
"Can't." Jim looked vaguely in Bones' direction. "Head's pounding. Body's no better." Then, he gave what was almost a familiar grin. "Just like old times, right." Only about a million times worse and they weren't sitting in their room at the Academy.
But the injured body wasn't going to heal any faster without proper nutrients and rest, Bones knew this. Sneaking a few more of his berries into Jim's pile, he shifted his body so that Jim was sitting in front of him. "I'm gonna try something," he said quietly into Jim's ear, bringing up one of his hands and laying it carefully atop Jim's head. Sometimes the light pressure helped with headaches, Bones knew. It was worth a try. "Feel any better?"
Jim's breath staggered, and he nodded just slightly. "Maybe," a whisper. "I've gotten head injuries like this before, but nothing this bad."
Bones knew just how right Jim was. It was hard to know the extent of the injuries, but even without his equipment Bones could guess that Jim's brain was swelling from the force of the blow. He hoped that once the swelling went down, the pressure against the optic nerve would lessen - if that was the cause of the loss of vision, which was Bones' working theory.
It worried him how Jim was taking the loss of his sight. In some ways, it was no different than the past. Jim had a long running habit of ignoring simple things like pain and bleeding and bruising, something Bones expected came from the life Jim had lived in the years before they had met. While he didn't know the full scope of that life, he could read some of it from the scars and poorly healed bones Jim still carried. It wouldn't take a great leap of the consciousness to decide to ignore this as well, even if like all the other things Jim ignored, it was dangerous.
But more than that... Jim was so calm about all of this, taking the loss of vision with a resigned attitude, so unlike the Jim he knew... and loved, if he'd only admit it to himself. Part shock, probably a good dose of depression. Jim should be angrier about this, or at least talking about it more. "I'm gonna fix your eyes, Jim. I don't want you to worry about it."
"And if you don't? What's my sight matter... I lost two men today. They've both saved my life in the past." There was a subdued quality to Jim's voice, doubt and remorse and pain.
Bones closed his eyes, exhaling at Jim's words. His hand on Jim's head increased the pressure slightly, and when Jim didn't complain, he left it there. "There was nothing you could do to save them. You can't blame yourself, Jim." Of course Jim would blame himself, but Bones still had to remind him. It was part of his job. It was what he did.
"...I chose to save you. If I hadn't gotten hurt, Adam might still be alive." Adam, not Yamaguchi, something more personal. Jim's ability to remember every last person, or close to it, on a ship of eleven hundred people never failed to impress him.
Bones felt the unspoken comparison there. Jim had saved him... but Bones had failed to save Adam. "You couldn't have gotten to him," Bones told him after a long moment of quiet introspection. "He went under too fast. I got there as soon as I could, but..." Bones had tossed the vine to both of them, but Adam was too far in. It had been fucking awful, seeing the other man's terrified eyes sinking fast into the quicksand, like thick water. How Jim had managed to stay closer to the surface, Bones had no idea, but it saved his life.
Everything seemed to hit him all at once, the entire awful day. Leaning back, Bones pulled Jim a little closer to him and absently stroked his arm, taking stock of their situation. He was alive. Jim was alive, but injured. And they had to make it to the top of this damn mountain before the sun rose tomorrow morning.
Whatever it was out there, those creatures, they were getting loud. Maybe they knew they were up here, he guessed. Or something had them riled up, on the move. And it was just him and Jim, and their small fire.
This was gonna be a long night. "Will you just try and sleep a little, Jim?" he asked again, holding back a yawn.
"Are you sure?" Jim said after a long silence. He wasn't protesting this anymore, showing just how much he needed that sleep. Slowly Jim pulled away, feeling the ground, laying out and making sure his limbs weren't going to get in the fire or in Bones' way.
But Bones frowned at that. Tugging gently at Jim's clothes, he guided Jim's head toward his lap. "Here," he said, resting his hand on Jim's shoulder. "This'll be more comfortable." Jim tensed up, his head still in Bones' lap. When he tried to get up, Bones moved his hand up to the side of Jim's neck and gently held him down. "Stay. I can keep an eye on your injury like this, and made sure you don't have any problems in your sleep."
Jim seemed to accept that answer; at least, he stopped wriggling around. Bones' thumb made small circles on Jim's neck as he watched the stars starting to shine, and he began to wonder what would happen to Jim if he didn't get his sight back. Not that the kid ever let anything stop him, but this- this was unlike anything that they'd experienced before. How could he remain captain without his sight? The idea of Jim being forced out of his seat as captain, or even out of Starfleet all together, was so impossible his mind refused to put it together. The spirit of Starfleet had changed when they fronted Jim out as their golden boy, as did the universal view of Starfleet after what Jim and Spock had done on the Narada.
Famous, or infamous, depending on your perspective, Jim Kirk was the face of Starfleet and being captain was the most important thing in Jim's life.
Would Jim's spirit withstand the loss of his ship, of his sight? He'd seen Jim go through hell already, but this was more personal, a wound just as deep as the death of his crew, though he knew Jim would have disagreed. Healing would be just as much about the mental as the physical.
"...want you to go on without me in the morning." Jim's words suddenly shot through his train of thought. Anyone else, Bones would have dismissed it as shock from the injury.
But he knew Jim, better than he knew anyone in the world, and Jim meant it. "Don't talk like that," Bones answered quickly, tiredly. "We're a team." More than a team, really, but he wasn't quite ready to admit that yet.
"You could get there faster, play their game, and come back for me," Jim continued out quietly, as if Bones hadn't spoken. Jim's fingers betrayed his words though, and were slowly curling beside his cheek in the pants he was resting on.
Bones' hand slid next to Jim's fingers, covering it, lacing them together. "I'm not leavin' you," he said softly, gently pushing a tendril of Jim's hair behind his ear. "And you know that."
"Don't be a fool, Bones," came the snapped reply, but his hand tightened around their interlaced fingers. "This is our best chance. You need to get back to the Enterprise."
No sense arguing with Jim right now, so he didn't. Instead Bones continued to to stroke Jim's head, fingertips featherlight as they ghosted over Jim's hair. They froze in place at the moan of an animal somewhere in the jungle below, Bones looking around for something he could use as a weapon if he needed to, not seeing anything. Great, he thought to himself. Jim would have had taken care of something so rudimentary, so obvious.
But Bones was a doctor, and right now, not a very good one at that. Looking down at his patient, his captain, he felt helpless. "Close your eyes," he told Jim. "We'll talk in the morning."
"If I'm your captain, don't make me make it an order." The voice was getting softer, exhaustion and stress and pain taking their toll and forcing Jim towards the sleep he clearly didn't want. But soon enough his eyes closed and stayed closed, Bones watching his chest rise and fall slowly. Swallowing, he traced a path across Jim's forehead, down his nose and touching his lips.
It was getting stronger now, his feelings for Jim. He'd tried so long to keep them at bay, told himself it was just sexual attraction. Hero worship, even. But these were lies, he knew this. What he felt for Jim went beyond anything he'd ever known before.
And now, he'd let Jim down. But he wasn't going to let anything else happen to him, not tonight, not tomorrow. Bones was going to get Jim off this planet, back on board the ship, and fix his sight, if it was the last thing he ever did. And maybe... he thought, caressing Jim's hair once more -maybe he'd get the nerve to finally tell Jim how he really felt.
It might have been too late, he realized even as he thought about it. There had been a time when he'd been the one James T. Kirk, legend on campus, had been lusting after. Bones was one of a few who turned Jim down, time and time again when Jim seemed determined to pursue him during their time at the Academy. Eventually, Jim seemed to get it through that thick skull that they were friends. No, Jim, not even friends with benefits. Nothing more.
Now four years later, Bones wanted more.
He looked up to the sky, staring at a thousand unfamiliar stars. One of them was the Enterprise, unable to get a lock on them. Jim probably would been able to pick her out amongst all the glowing dots of light. Bones' eyes looked up, watching the sky because there was nothing else to do but worry.
They couldn't wait until dawn to continue. Jim remained still and silent in his sleep through the few hours of rest they both needed. Bones caught himself nodding off, but always a spark from the fire or a noise in the night would jerk him awake. Without any way to keep track of time, Bones could only guess he was right when he shook Jim awake cautiously. Jim had a nasty habit of reacting on the side of violent when someone woke him up by touching him, so Bones always gentled him awake when he could. "Jim, we've gotta get moving."
Jim's eyes opened, his body twitching, but after a moment Bones saw him relax. The blue eyes closed again and Jim sat up, running a hand through his hair. "...still night?" Voice all foggy and thick.
"Still dark," Bones answered. "But not for long." He stood, stretching as he took a few steps away from the rock wall they'd holed up against all night. He looked up the mountain, trying to remember what the the thick landscape looked like. "I think we should head straight up, quick as we can." Hopefully when they got closer, whatever the fuck they were looking for would become obvious, this Eye of Cyli bullshit.
Touching Jim's shoulder, Bones reached for this hands. "Let's get going. With any luck, this will all be over soon."
Jim got up using the help, lacing an arm around Bones' waist to keep himself moving where he should. "One way or the other." His head tilted back towards the sky, as if hunting for the ship Bones hadn't been able to find, then took the first step between them.
The way up was rapidly getting harder, steeper with each step. Trying to navigate Jim around stones and branches and every other thing that shouldn't have been a problem was eating up time. They both could barely see, only the waning moons overhead giving any light to see by. Jim kept tripping, and eventually his palms and knee caps were scrapped raw. Bones was glad that Jim couldn't see when the first faint light of false dawn started to crawl over the horizon, still so far for them to go.
Suddenly a noise from behind them made Bones jump. Fuck, it was one of those Hysilssa, must have followed them up out of the jungle floor. "We gotta move faster," he cried out, half-dragging and half-carrying Jim as they raced toward the top.
But they'd have to get there first, and Jim was getting heavier by the second. Moving with a strength he'd never had to use before, Bones kept the momentum of the two of them going. There was a faint light in the sky now, and Bones could finally see the top of the mountain, something that wasn't part of the natural landscape. "Almost there," he panted to Jim, seeing his goal up ahead, but the sound of the creature was getting closer.
At this rate, it would be on them in a matter of seconds.
Then suddenly, it burst through the undergrowth and was on them. Bones turned to see their attacker, pushing Jim behind him in some vain attempt to protect him. His heart pounded with the fear and knowledge that this was it, he'd failed, they were going to die - but it vanished in the blink of an eye. "Ruud!" he screamed out in disbelief at the sight of their former Tuataran companion. Hearing Jim repeat the same name only a second after him, Bones gasped out, "How-"
But there was no response. Instead the Tuataran reached down and grabbed Jim, lifting him like he was as light as a child without saying a word. They had long since lost the translator, so Bones gratefully ran behind them with everything he had left in him. There was a temple of some sort ahead of them, the sun racing behind to catch them to its doors. Ruud charged through the open archway and straight ahead in a way that Bones hoped meant he knew where he was going.
They came into an open court yard, which looked magnificant but Bones didn't have the time to admire the scenery. In the center was a raised podium, a brightly shining white orb floating above it. He didn't need to be told this was it, the Eye they had walked through hell for, had lost two good men to reach. Ruud reached out for it, his hand stopping only long enough to look back at Bones.
What the hell was the snake waiting for? Ruud grabbed his wrist before Bones could ask, and together their hands landed heavily on the orb.
The world went dark.
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 7207 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
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The Art | The Mix
Consciousness returned, in small doses, a splitting white light that stabbed straight into the meat of his brain. There was a hissing, spitting sound like loud white noise, echoing again and again, and Jim gagged on the taste of his own blood. Couldn't seem to get up, something was holding him down even as he tried again and again to rise.
The hissing slowly faded into silence, and he was more afraid of the silence than he was of the hissing. I'm going deaf. What happened!? Can't breathe...!
Then the world turned on its edge, and Jim started coughing as something slammed into his back. He spat out blood, keeping his eyes tightly closed. The pulse of his heart matched the pain in his skull, but beyond that, the silence began lifting. He heard his name, faraway as if in a tunnel, echoing in his head. "Jim, don't move." There was a far away moaning sound.
They were carrying him, laying him out on the ground, cool hands examining his back, his head, his abdomen. "Doesn't feel like anything's broken," he heard Bones say. "Jim, if you can hear me, blink." Jim hesitantly opened his eyes and immediately shut them again. Oh, oh... did that hurt. He heard that moaning sound again, and started to realize it was himself.
There was a sigh of relief from Bones. "He's conscious," Bones' voice called out to the other man. "I don't want to move him for a while."
"I hate to argue with you, Doc," Jim could hear Yamaguchi standing a few feet away from them. "But this ground is still unstable, and the tunnel's likely to come down on us. We need to at least get him out of the tunnel." The Security man's voice was persuasive, worried, and soft as if he was afraid his voice might start a chain reaction.
Jim tried to reach up and grab at Bones' shirt, but his hand flopped in a way that reminded him of a fish out of water, uncoordinated and desperate. He started to figure out what was going on - he was hurt, bad. His tongue was bleeding and swollen, and that was all he could taste. He tried to say something to Bones, but had to spit out more blood. Tasted terrible.
"He's not in any shape to move on his own." Bones went silent for several painful heartbeat-pangs in the back of his skull, then growled. "Okay, let's just get him out of here and somewhere safer." Together they managed to get Jim up and between the two of them carried him some unknown distance. Jim's consciousness faded in and out as they moved, but when they stopped, he realized he could hear trickling water. "Let me get this all clean." Jim risked a glance, listening more than watching as Bones tore at his already ripped-up shirt. The cool water helped to revive Jim, though the pain in his head was excruciating as Bones started to gently clean the wound on the back of his head.
"The sun's almost over head," Yamaguchi said. "How are we going to reach the Eye like this?" It wasn't an unkind question, only a statement of fact that with one of them hurt, it would slow them down, and Jim knew it.
We need to keep moving, we can't stop because of me, Jim tried to tell them, but his voice only grated and choked. He couldn't have been more grateful when Yamaguchi suddenly was there with a cupped hand full of water. He drank it down, but it hurt just to do that and his throat felt clogged with muck. He slowly looked up at Bones again, focusing on his face. "...you 'kay?"
Bones looked angry and scared at the same time. "You got hit on the head back there. You pushed me out of the way, and got yourself hurt." The cleaning started to get more aggressive.
Oh, that hurt. Jim closed his eyes again. "You're okay, though?" No wonder every part of him hurt so badly, but it was worth it. He was pretty sure at least.
Bones was quiet, didn't answer him, so Jim opened his eyes to see what was wrong. Hazel eyes were dark and sad. "I'm fine," Bones said softly, using a bit of the cloth to clean Jim's face. "I wish..." Bones sighed, his fingers tender as they wiped dirt and sweat off Jim's forehead. "I wish you hadn't done that."
A little smile touched Jim's face. "...wouldn't have forgiven myself if you got hurt. How bad is it, doc? Gonna live?" He didn't want Bones to get down, not now. They needed to get through this. Getting hurt and what happened immediately before it was fuzzy to non-existent in his memories, but there had been other similar moments in his life to this, and those memories usually came back to give him a poor night's sleep in the future. Something to look forward to.
His weak attempt at joking got a little snort out of Bones, so he couldn't have been too bad. "Yeah, you'll live, I'm sure there are many more adventures left in you that'll give me a heart attack or two." His face got serious again. "Look, Jim, be honest with me. Can you walk some?"
"Maybe," Jim said honestly, though it took all three of them to get him to his feet, the world swaying dangerously below him.
"I'll help him," Yamaguchi said immediately, and with that offered shoulder helping him stay balanced, Jim could at least stay upright.
Jim looked to Bones and gave a pained smile. "I'll live. But we need to keep moving." Besides, it was a lot easier to focus on their task than focusing on how much his head hurt. There was nothing they could do for now about what had happened, and the heat of the jungle was getting stronger by the minute. Without their guide, who knew how long it would take them to reach their destination tonight. Jim thought about Ruud, wondered if he were making the same journey, or if he'd been caught by the creatures.
Once or twice, as they made their way at a severely reduced speed through the jungle, Jim thought he caught the shadow of something out of the corner of his eye, and hoped it was their young Tuataran friend. But when he turned his aching head, all he saw was the blurred edges of his peripheral vision. It continued throughout the morning as they traveled, Jim being assisted by Yamaguchi, then Bones, then back again in turns to keep them moving as quickly as possible. The landscape around him was getting fuzzy, out of focus. The back of his head throbbed with each step he took.
One of the worst things that could possibly happen was happening, and for the first time in a long time, Jim didn't know what he was going to do. How was he supposed to make it through another day of this, when he couldn't concentrate on anything beyond the edges of his skull? He could still taste blood and played with the sore edge of his bitten tongue, and the landscape was passing as a blur. Sometimes he had to lean on Bones and concentrate just on getting one foot in front of the other, not wanting to keep them from getting to their destination. Wouldn't be the weak one.
At one point Jim stumbled hard over something on the ground and nearly took Bones down with him. He managed to catch himself, just in time, but it was enough to grab the doctor's attention. "Jim, you okay?" Bones asked, looking more closely at him, his face frustrated. "Fuck, what I wouldn't give for a scanner right now."
What good was telling the truth? There was nothing Bones could do to help, and it would just have him worried more. "Just a headache, tired... damn roots on the ground." He tried for a good-natured grin, despite the pounding against his skull. A sick part of him wanted to reach up and feel the knot on his skull he knew to be there under Bones' quickly made bandages.
Bones didn't look like he quite believed him, but he nodded, sadly. "Let's just get where we need to go," he finally said, unhappiness written all over his face.
They continued on, Yamaguchi taking the lead, Bones supporting Jim. A few hours passed and when the sun was at its apex they stopped for a few moments by a stream, Jim resting by the water. By that point, everything was blurry, and Jim's hope that it would get better waned with each unfocused step. Splashing water on his face did nothing but remind him how thirsty he was, and when Bones put some berries in his hand, Jim stared at them, unable to see them clearly without holding them close to his face. Bones better have gotten the right ones, he thought grimly to himself, unfairly to Bones, as he pressed them slowly into his mouth, savoring each bite of food which only made him feel more hungry when he was done.
He shook his head; it didn't matter. This wasn't real hunger, not yet. It hadn't even been two days yet since he had eaten properly. Even if it was berries and bugs, it was still food. Hunger only came when there was nothing at all. At least he could focus on the coolness of the water and rest himself. Blurry vision wasn't the end all of things.
They switched positions, Bones taking the point as Yamaguchi helped Jim walk. Jim suspected Yamaguchi knew how bad his vision was getting, but didn't say anything. The security man just led Jim along as best as he could, finding the clearest path through the rough jungle. It was getting dark now - not for the others, Jim knew that it reality it was mid-day, but for him. Jim's limited vision was starting to falter, and his greatest fears were coming true.
Soon he might not be able to see at all.
Which made it all the more important the small group get as far as they could now. Jim tried to concentrate on Bones' voice ahead of them, his angry muttering over the thick vegetation, or lack of proper diagnostic tools, or just how fucking hungry he was. Then he felt Yamaguchi stop. "Look, there's a big tree that's fallen over," he said in a lowered voice to Jim. "Gonna be hard to climb over, Captain. Let's go this way," he said, leading Jim to the left.
Jim followed, tripping over a vine as they continued on their way. "Shit, sorry," he muttered.
"Watch it, its a little unstable," Yamaguchi continued, his voice tinged with worry as they started moving slower. His feet were getting bogged down, as if they were walking in thick mud, squishing uncomfortably as he felt himself slipping, holding tight onto Yamaguchi. Then it happened, and Jim felt himself falling, waist deep into the sludge, the ground beneath him completely liquid now. Worse yet, he lost Yamguchi's arm, the two of them separated when Jim lost his footing.
"Fuck- no," he called out, reaching out for something to grasp, anything as panic filled him. Everything in front was a blur of light and shadows and he couldn't hear Yamguchi anymore, just a flopping noise, someone panting next to him. "Bones!" he screamed out as loud as he could. "Bones!"
It was at his chest now, his arms getting heavier to lift as he tried to find something to hold on to. "Stay still, I'm almost there!" he heard Bones call out, but Jim wasn't sure who Bones was speaking to. There was a wet twack sound directly in front of him, and when he reached out, his hand wrapped around something, ropey like a piece of vine. "Grab it!" All at once, even in his panic, Jim realized what he was in, and he grabbed for the vine Bones had thrown.
"Where is he?" Jim called out, not hearing anything else from his security officer. "Bones, can you see him?"
"Dammit, Jim, grab it!" Bones called out again. "I can't... reach you..."
Jim's hands tugged the vine, checking to see how secure it was - felt strong enough - and he pulled as hard as he could, but the time spent in the quicksand had sapped most of his remaining strength, and holding on was about as much as he could do. Gotta get out of here, he said to himself. Taking a deep breath, he pulled, feeling his body sliding through the sludge. Again. Jim took another breath and pulled again, heaving himself though it until he felt a hand on his arm.
"I got-you... there," Bones exhaled, looping one hand under Jim's arm, pulling him out of the thick mud. "There," he said, both of them flopped on the ground, loudly catching their breath. "Fuck..." Bones sighed quietly. "God fucking dammit!"
"Adam! You've gotta get him!" Jim screamed through a rasp, his world upside down - which way was up anymore?! - as he tried to turn back in Yamaguchi's direction, searching for bright red. "Please, Bones, get him!"
Just panting coming from Bones, a strangled, frustrated noise. "Couldn't, sunk too fast," he said, starting to wipe the sludge off of Jim's body. "I- shit. He's gone, Jim."
No. "No." Jim struggled to get up, focusing on bright blue to grab at Bones' shirt and curl his fingers into the material. "He can't be, Bones. Get him." Yamaguchi had saved his life, catching him before he went off the cliff. He couldn't be dead!
But Bones was holding him back. "Sit down!" he said, arms wrapping around Jim to keep him from moving. "It's too late. Fuck, I'm sorry." Hands were holding Jim's face now, Bones right in front of him. "What's wrong with your eyes, Jim?"
Jim struggled to get free until everything seemed to drain out of him all at once. He let out a sound he didn't mean to, ragged and deep in his chest. His head turned to the side, but he couldn't see Bones anymore and it was terrifying. He looked back to Bones, staring at him. He was framed in black, and what he could see was fuzzy. Just dark holes where Bones' eyes should have been. Jim said nothing at all, because there was nothing he could say. His golden tongue deserted him entirely.
Then Bones' arms were around him, and Jim could feel him shaking. "Shit," Bones whispered quietly. "Shit." Bones was the realistic one, most of the time, and hearing him sound so afraid made the knot in his stomach that much worse. "Its gonna be okay, Jim. We're gonna get outta here, I promise." It wasn't hard to hear the fear in his voice, no matter how much Bones seemed to be trying to hide it. "I wish we could stay here until you felt better but we gotta walk now."
"Bones, I can't, how are we..." Jim closed his eyes for a second, trying to focus. He thought about it, what he was supposed to be. He was the Captain, and he had crew that he needed to get safe. Even if it was the last thing he did. Yamaguchi had saved his life, and he had failed to return the favor. He had to save Bones, at least. After a long silence, just their panting against the constant noise of the jungle, Jim whispered, "...Let's go."
Jim opened his eyes, but now there was nothing but darkness.
Bones didn't know what to do. They were being hunted on a strange planet, half the away team killed. Jim couldn't see. And Bones had less than a day to get the two of them to the top of that hill in the distance, or they might not ever make it out of here.
It was all up to him now. "Okay. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna keep moving, but slow at first. If you're hurting, dammit, you need to let me know and we'll stop. I don't want to fuck this up any more..." Any more than he already had. Jim losing his vision, shit, from an injury that he couldn't fix. Some fucking doctor, he thought to himself. Without his little bag of tools, he was worthless.
But Bones was going to get Jim to the top of that mountain if it killed him. Jim, who was sitting there, looking scared and determined at the same time, and Bones had never been prouder of him than that moment. He reached down and took Jim's hands in his own, and began to pull him up. Jim climbed to his feet, something undefinable lacking in his movements; an amount of grace in his fighter's body was gone in the face of this uncertainty.
Jim's head turned in the direction of Bones but didn't look directly at him. "No stopping," Jim said quietly, his face full of quiet determination. "We need to just get there and do whatever this bullshit is they want us to."
"Okay then," Bones said, squeezing his hand. Had to sound positive. "This is the plan. We're gonna beeline for that mountain over there, get as far as we can. I'm gonna grab as many of those berries along the way so we'll have something in our stomachs before we have to climb." One arm circled Jim's waist, pulling him close to his side. "And we're gonna have to figure out the best way to move, together."
Jim leaned into Bones' warmth, but he was tense. It was clear Jim's balance was off. "Just get moving, I'll keep up." Beneath his words were the silent or die trying that neither of them wanted to hear aloud.
It was slow at first, making their way but soon they found a rhythm, taking short, steady steps, with Bones giving quiet directions regarding the trail. He looked for the smoothest path, make it easier for Jim to walk. After a while the jungle began to thin out, and the sounds of running water ahead made Bones both happy and worried. They both needed something to drink, to stave off dehydration, but the moving water sounded fast. A river wasn't what he wanted to deal with right now.
Sure enough, it was moving fast enough that Bones had to think a moment about how to best approach this. "You thirsty?" he asked, leading Jim over to a bank where they could sit a moment and get some water.
"Yeah," Jim said quietly, his usual spark missing in his voice. That told Bones a lot, just how afraid Jim was. Bones had only seen that kind of fear a few times in the years they'd known each other, but it came across in Jim's eyes, the tone under his voice. A captain couldn't be afraid, but a human could, and Bones knew that human very well. Every minute they were out here in this stinking jungle decreased the chances that he could do anything for Jim when, if, they got back to the Enterprise. Every minute meant a higher chance that infection would settle into the ugly wound on the back of his head, and that the damage would be permanent.
Bones settled Jim on the bank, almost reaching out to help Jim's hands find the water as he saw Jim feeling along the ground. His own hand was halfway out towards Jim's before he realized Jim wouldn't want too much help, and resisted the urge. Instead he waited long enough to see Jim's fingers sink into the cool water before drinking some water himself. "Not too much," he said automatically, knowing he was telling Jim something he already knew, but hell... he was the doctor, even if he was a shitty one right now. "The water's moving pretty fast, so we're gonna have to take it slow." Only a few minutes rest before one hand rested on Jim's shoulder. "Ready?"
"How deep is it?" Jim asked, getting up and holding onto Bones until he was steady. His head turned out towards the water, almost visibly straining to hear what he couldn't see.
Bones tightened his grip on Jim's arm. "Not sure, but... it'll be okay. Just slow steps, and don't let go." They entered the water, shallow enough at first, getting deeper just as the water began moving fast around their thighs. "Doing great, Jim," Bones said, holding on best he could as they walked carefully. Every once in a while Bones hit a slippery rock and felt himself slide, but each time he managed to catch himself before they both went under.
By the time they got to the other side, Jim's face was unreadable. His lips were white from being pressed together, and his fingers dug into Bones' skin through the torn uniform. Those usually bright blue eyes were wide, staring at nothing, the pupils dilated. It was the quiet, more than anything, that worried Bones. "You did great," he said, still holding Jim close even though they were out of the water. "You need to rest?"
"No." Usually Jim would have made a joke here, about how the water would keep them cool, or how Bones worried like an old woman. The pause that passed before Jim spoke again seemed agonizingly long, enough to make Bones' stomach sink with concern. "...Just cooler now, right? Got to make it to that place Ruud told us about."
"Yeah," Bones said, carefully wiping a bit of dirt off Jim's face. Seeing him like this, those beautiful eyes of his dead and listless - that hurt Bones deep inside somewhere, some place he hadn't felt in a long time. "We're gonna get there, Captain. It's right over there, we're close now," he said, hoping his voice sounded encouraging. There was still a hell of a long way to go, but the last thing he wanted was to sound scared.
He wasn't sure how successful he was at that.
"It's supposed to be at the top, right?" Jim shook his head, visibly trying to remember.
"Right," Bones repeated, instantly worried. He had no idea how hard Jim had hit his head, but could guess it was not only enough to rattle his brain, possibly fracture the skull, and from the loss of vision, damaged the occipital lobe. In his heart, he knew that this constant moving was only doing more damage in the long run, but if they could get back to the ship, Bones hoped he'd be able to reverse it. Had to... To imagine Jim without his sight, that was unthinkable.
They began walking again, and as they passed bushes with safe fruit on them, Bones would pick the berries and press a few into Jim's hand and his own mouth. He caught Jim pocketing about half of the food he was given and started to tell him to eat it now, but Jim turned his head and the dark look on his face, something Bones didn't know how to read, made his words fall short. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea, after all who knew when they would find more food.
It felt like they had walked halfway to Earth, and yet no where at all, and soon it got so dark Bones was having trouble seeing the jungle floor. At least they were hitting elevation, Bones could feel that they were going higher now, leaving the jungle and hitting a different sort of terrain. But they weren't going to go much further in the impending darkness. There was no choice, even as he looked up the path they were climbing on the mountain. They had to stop.
He was left even more at odds when the first question out of Jim's mouth was "How much further?" as soon as Bones said it was too dark to see.
"We're gonna stop here," Bones told him, looking around. There was a rock wall with a bit of a ledge they could use a cover for the night. "Stand here for right now," Bones added, putting Jim's hand on the rock so he could feel it. Looking around, there was some fallen wood on the ground - not much, but maybe enough. "I'm gonna make a fire. Stay right here, okay?"
"Tell me the truth, Bones." Jim sat down, but he was trying to follow the sounds of Bones moving around, wincing with each turn of his head. "How much further before we get to the top?"
"I don't know," Bones answered honestly. "It doesn't look too far, but-" Sounds from the jungle were getting louder, that noise they both recognized as the creature that attacked them that morning. "I think we need to worry about staying safe and quiet tonight, then get to the top in the morning, as soon as the sky gets light." Putting the fire together wasn't as easy as he hoped. He had his wood piled up and some little bits of grass for kindling, but fuck if he hadn't made a fire like this since that damned survival course they all had to take,and even then, it hadn't been easy. "Sit tight... this might take a while," he added, starting to rub his sticks together. "Why don't you eat some of those berries you got in your pocket."
Jim let out a sigh and got up, feeling his way until his hand encountered Bones' thigh. Jim moved behind him, arms sliding around until his hands were on either side of Bones' torso, feeling at the sticks. Bones tensed, curious before he understood what Jim was trying to do. "Even now, you can do this better than me," he chuckled softly as Jim's hands began working the sticks, demonstrating what needed to happen, and letting Bones get the feel of it, the rhythm of turning and applying pressure, over and over again. Bones could feel Jim's breathing on his neck, the solidness of him against his back warm and comforting, which was fucked up, since he was the one that was supposed to be taking care of Jim.
After a while, Bones seemed to get the idea, and taking the sticks, he settled comfortably on the ground and began to work in earnest, turning and pressing until small wafts of smoke began to appear. "Thank fuck," he sighed, quickly adding the kindling and giving it a little puff of his breath until the tiny flame appeared.
"Guessing that means you got it. Congratulations, you can keep yourself warm at night," Jim said with a bit of irony in his voice, considering how damn hot it was. He sat back, but his shoulders were hunched forward, his nostrils flared, prepared for something he couldn't see.
Bones watched him for a moment. "I'm gonna get some more berries, I'll be close. Right here," he said as he started looking for something to eat in the bushes close to camp. Unfortunately, they were few and far between. By the time he returned, Jim had discovered the outcrop they were hiding against. His back was pressed to it, the fire blazing nicely in front of him. His knees were pulled up, and he was staring at the fire, unintentionally but in a way that would end up damaging his eyes if he wasn't careful. They really needed to remain closed, to keep from getting dried out, scratched, or worse, Bones knew this, but there wasn't much he could do here. "You should sleep, if you can," Bones told him, settling down next to Jim, putting half the the stash of berries he'd gathered into Jim's hands.
"...Not tired." But Jim started to eat the berries, one by one, slowly and steadily. His eyes closed, and he licked his lips. "I can't keep watch with you."
"Don't worry 'bout me," Bones answered, trying to make it as comfortable as he could for Jim. "I got extra sleep last night, remember?" he added with a little gruffness to his voice. "Rest, Jim, please. Your body needs it."
"Can't." Jim looked vaguely in Bones' direction. "Head's pounding. Body's no better." Then, he gave what was almost a familiar grin. "Just like old times, right." Only about a million times worse and they weren't sitting in their room at the Academy.
But the injured body wasn't going to heal any faster without proper nutrients and rest, Bones knew this. Sneaking a few more of his berries into Jim's pile, he shifted his body so that Jim was sitting in front of him. "I'm gonna try something," he said quietly into Jim's ear, bringing up one of his hands and laying it carefully atop Jim's head. Sometimes the light pressure helped with headaches, Bones knew. It was worth a try. "Feel any better?"
Jim's breath staggered, and he nodded just slightly. "Maybe," a whisper. "I've gotten head injuries like this before, but nothing this bad."
Bones knew just how right Jim was. It was hard to know the extent of the injuries, but even without his equipment Bones could guess that Jim's brain was swelling from the force of the blow. He hoped that once the swelling went down, the pressure against the optic nerve would lessen - if that was the cause of the loss of vision, which was Bones' working theory.
It worried him how Jim was taking the loss of his sight. In some ways, it was no different than the past. Jim had a long running habit of ignoring simple things like pain and bleeding and bruising, something Bones expected came from the life Jim had lived in the years before they had met. While he didn't know the full scope of that life, he could read some of it from the scars and poorly healed bones Jim still carried. It wouldn't take a great leap of the consciousness to decide to ignore this as well, even if like all the other things Jim ignored, it was dangerous.
But more than that... Jim was so calm about all of this, taking the loss of vision with a resigned attitude, so unlike the Jim he knew... and loved, if he'd only admit it to himself. Part shock, probably a good dose of depression. Jim should be angrier about this, or at least talking about it more. "I'm gonna fix your eyes, Jim. I don't want you to worry about it."
"And if you don't? What's my sight matter... I lost two men today. They've both saved my life in the past." There was a subdued quality to Jim's voice, doubt and remorse and pain.
Bones closed his eyes, exhaling at Jim's words. His hand on Jim's head increased the pressure slightly, and when Jim didn't complain, he left it there. "There was nothing you could do to save them. You can't blame yourself, Jim." Of course Jim would blame himself, but Bones still had to remind him. It was part of his job. It was what he did.
"...I chose to save you. If I hadn't gotten hurt, Adam might still be alive." Adam, not Yamaguchi, something more personal. Jim's ability to remember every last person, or close to it, on a ship of eleven hundred people never failed to impress him.
Bones felt the unspoken comparison there. Jim had saved him... but Bones had failed to save Adam. "You couldn't have gotten to him," Bones told him after a long moment of quiet introspection. "He went under too fast. I got there as soon as I could, but..." Bones had tossed the vine to both of them, but Adam was too far in. It had been fucking awful, seeing the other man's terrified eyes sinking fast into the quicksand, like thick water. How Jim had managed to stay closer to the surface, Bones had no idea, but it saved his life.
Everything seemed to hit him all at once, the entire awful day. Leaning back, Bones pulled Jim a little closer to him and absently stroked his arm, taking stock of their situation. He was alive. Jim was alive, but injured. And they had to make it to the top of this damn mountain before the sun rose tomorrow morning.
Whatever it was out there, those creatures, they were getting loud. Maybe they knew they were up here, he guessed. Or something had them riled up, on the move. And it was just him and Jim, and their small fire.
This was gonna be a long night. "Will you just try and sleep a little, Jim?" he asked again, holding back a yawn.
"Are you sure?" Jim said after a long silence. He wasn't protesting this anymore, showing just how much he needed that sleep. Slowly Jim pulled away, feeling the ground, laying out and making sure his limbs weren't going to get in the fire or in Bones' way.
But Bones frowned at that. Tugging gently at Jim's clothes, he guided Jim's head toward his lap. "Here," he said, resting his hand on Jim's shoulder. "This'll be more comfortable." Jim tensed up, his head still in Bones' lap. When he tried to get up, Bones moved his hand up to the side of Jim's neck and gently held him down. "Stay. I can keep an eye on your injury like this, and made sure you don't have any problems in your sleep."
Jim seemed to accept that answer; at least, he stopped wriggling around. Bones' thumb made small circles on Jim's neck as he watched the stars starting to shine, and he began to wonder what would happen to Jim if he didn't get his sight back. Not that the kid ever let anything stop him, but this- this was unlike anything that they'd experienced before. How could he remain captain without his sight? The idea of Jim being forced out of his seat as captain, or even out of Starfleet all together, was so impossible his mind refused to put it together. The spirit of Starfleet had changed when they fronted Jim out as their golden boy, as did the universal view of Starfleet after what Jim and Spock had done on the Narada.
Famous, or infamous, depending on your perspective, Jim Kirk was the face of Starfleet and being captain was the most important thing in Jim's life.
Would Jim's spirit withstand the loss of his ship, of his sight? He'd seen Jim go through hell already, but this was more personal, a wound just as deep as the death of his crew, though he knew Jim would have disagreed. Healing would be just as much about the mental as the physical.
"...want you to go on without me in the morning." Jim's words suddenly shot through his train of thought. Anyone else, Bones would have dismissed it as shock from the injury.
But he knew Jim, better than he knew anyone in the world, and Jim meant it. "Don't talk like that," Bones answered quickly, tiredly. "We're a team." More than a team, really, but he wasn't quite ready to admit that yet.
"You could get there faster, play their game, and come back for me," Jim continued out quietly, as if Bones hadn't spoken. Jim's fingers betrayed his words though, and were slowly curling beside his cheek in the pants he was resting on.
Bones' hand slid next to Jim's fingers, covering it, lacing them together. "I'm not leavin' you," he said softly, gently pushing a tendril of Jim's hair behind his ear. "And you know that."
"Don't be a fool, Bones," came the snapped reply, but his hand tightened around their interlaced fingers. "This is our best chance. You need to get back to the Enterprise."
No sense arguing with Jim right now, so he didn't. Instead Bones continued to to stroke Jim's head, fingertips featherlight as they ghosted over Jim's hair. They froze in place at the moan of an animal somewhere in the jungle below, Bones looking around for something he could use as a weapon if he needed to, not seeing anything. Great, he thought to himself. Jim would have had taken care of something so rudimentary, so obvious.
But Bones was a doctor, and right now, not a very good one at that. Looking down at his patient, his captain, he felt helpless. "Close your eyes," he told Jim. "We'll talk in the morning."
"If I'm your captain, don't make me make it an order." The voice was getting softer, exhaustion and stress and pain taking their toll and forcing Jim towards the sleep he clearly didn't want. But soon enough his eyes closed and stayed closed, Bones watching his chest rise and fall slowly. Swallowing, he traced a path across Jim's forehead, down his nose and touching his lips.
It was getting stronger now, his feelings for Jim. He'd tried so long to keep them at bay, told himself it was just sexual attraction. Hero worship, even. But these were lies, he knew this. What he felt for Jim went beyond anything he'd ever known before.
And now, he'd let Jim down. But he wasn't going to let anything else happen to him, not tonight, not tomorrow. Bones was going to get Jim off this planet, back on board the ship, and fix his sight, if it was the last thing he ever did. And maybe... he thought, caressing Jim's hair once more -maybe he'd get the nerve to finally tell Jim how he really felt.
It might have been too late, he realized even as he thought about it. There had been a time when he'd been the one James T. Kirk, legend on campus, had been lusting after. Bones was one of a few who turned Jim down, time and time again when Jim seemed determined to pursue him during their time at the Academy. Eventually, Jim seemed to get it through that thick skull that they were friends. No, Jim, not even friends with benefits. Nothing more.
Now four years later, Bones wanted more.
He looked up to the sky, staring at a thousand unfamiliar stars. One of them was the Enterprise, unable to get a lock on them. Jim probably would been able to pick her out amongst all the glowing dots of light. Bones' eyes looked up, watching the sky because there was nothing else to do but worry.
They couldn't wait until dawn to continue. Jim remained still and silent in his sleep through the few hours of rest they both needed. Bones caught himself nodding off, but always a spark from the fire or a noise in the night would jerk him awake. Without any way to keep track of time, Bones could only guess he was right when he shook Jim awake cautiously. Jim had a nasty habit of reacting on the side of violent when someone woke him up by touching him, so Bones always gentled him awake when he could. "Jim, we've gotta get moving."
Jim's eyes opened, his body twitching, but after a moment Bones saw him relax. The blue eyes closed again and Jim sat up, running a hand through his hair. "...still night?" Voice all foggy and thick.
"Still dark," Bones answered. "But not for long." He stood, stretching as he took a few steps away from the rock wall they'd holed up against all night. He looked up the mountain, trying to remember what the the thick landscape looked like. "I think we should head straight up, quick as we can." Hopefully when they got closer, whatever the fuck they were looking for would become obvious, this Eye of Cyli bullshit.
Touching Jim's shoulder, Bones reached for this hands. "Let's get going. With any luck, this will all be over soon."
Jim got up using the help, lacing an arm around Bones' waist to keep himself moving where he should. "One way or the other." His head tilted back towards the sky, as if hunting for the ship Bones hadn't been able to find, then took the first step between them.
The way up was rapidly getting harder, steeper with each step. Trying to navigate Jim around stones and branches and every other thing that shouldn't have been a problem was eating up time. They both could barely see, only the waning moons overhead giving any light to see by. Jim kept tripping, and eventually his palms and knee caps were scrapped raw. Bones was glad that Jim couldn't see when the first faint light of false dawn started to crawl over the horizon, still so far for them to go.
Suddenly a noise from behind them made Bones jump. Fuck, it was one of those Hysilssa, must have followed them up out of the jungle floor. "We gotta move faster," he cried out, half-dragging and half-carrying Jim as they raced toward the top.
But they'd have to get there first, and Jim was getting heavier by the second. Moving with a strength he'd never had to use before, Bones kept the momentum of the two of them going. There was a faint light in the sky now, and Bones could finally see the top of the mountain, something that wasn't part of the natural landscape. "Almost there," he panted to Jim, seeing his goal up ahead, but the sound of the creature was getting closer.
At this rate, it would be on them in a matter of seconds.
Then suddenly, it burst through the undergrowth and was on them. Bones turned to see their attacker, pushing Jim behind him in some vain attempt to protect him. His heart pounded with the fear and knowledge that this was it, he'd failed, they were going to die - but it vanished in the blink of an eye. "Ruud!" he screamed out in disbelief at the sight of their former Tuataran companion. Hearing Jim repeat the same name only a second after him, Bones gasped out, "How-"
But there was no response. Instead the Tuataran reached down and grabbed Jim, lifting him like he was as light as a child without saying a word. They had long since lost the translator, so Bones gratefully ran behind them with everything he had left in him. There was a temple of some sort ahead of them, the sun racing behind to catch them to its doors. Ruud charged through the open archway and straight ahead in a way that Bones hoped meant he knew where he was going.
They came into an open court yard, which looked magnificant but Bones didn't have the time to admire the scenery. In the center was a raised podium, a brightly shining white orb floating above it. He didn't need to be told this was it, the Eye they had walked through hell for, had lost two good men to reach. Ruud reached out for it, his hand stopping only long enough to look back at Bones.
What the hell was the snake waiting for? Ruud grabbed his wrist before Bones could ask, and together their hands landed heavily on the orb.
The world went dark.