Words 20
"This is a do-it-yourself test for paranoia: you know you've got it when you can't think of anything that's your fault." Robert M. Hutchins
Rachel was beginning to wonder if her list of enemies had grown. Between Brittany's blue stare and Quinn's whispers, she was starting to find that her relationship with Santana was sliding out of her control. If there was something Rachel hated more than not being the center of attention, it was not to feel in control of a situation.
She had spent another sleepless night, staring at her ceiling, wondering how she would manage these new people antagonizing her plan. She ended up flicking her light open and pulling out a notebook from the drawer of her nightstand. She poured her heart down on its white pages, writing the lyrics of a song meant for only her to hear. She wrote and wrote until the sun came up. Her tiredness was making her sick and she was feeling like throwing up. With time things were getting more complicated, too complicated, so complicated that it made Rachel feel nauseated.
Starless nights were more beautiful to her than the ones where the sky was illuminated by sparkling stones because only when the world was plunged into dark did it mirrored Rachel's thoughts. Star she was not, she had never been, and she would never be. She was a grain of sand lost on an endless beach. She would almost drown every time the night's ocean tide of sadness would wash over her body, but it was never enough to kill her. Every morning, the sun would always dry her up, leaving her seemingly unstained by her pain. Nobody would notice how hard she struggled to breathe and it didn't matter to her. It was better that way.
Rachel pulled out her cheerleading uniform from her closet and covered her face with a mask of beauty products.
When Rachel arrived into the locker room that morning, Santana was its only occupant. She had probably decided to come abnormally early to compensate the fact that she had missed practice the previous day. Her eyes were full of her sleep and her face was free of makeup. At the sound of the door opening, she squinted in Rachel's direction and grunted something that sounded like a "hi".
Rachel sat next to her, pressing her bare leg purposely against the other girl's. Santana stared at her from under a half-hooded stare. Her brown eyes were soft, tired, left completely unprotected by their lack of disguise. Her pulpy lips were dry, chapped, and almost seemed vulnerable. She seemed prettier or uglier- depending on who was looking- that way.
"Brittany and I used to meet up super early at school to make out in here before the others would come." She said in a low raspy voice, her breath tickling Rachel's cheek and her eyes opening a little to set free a contemplative stare.
Rachel blushed, unused to be talked in such a way by the Latina. She was also surprised because for the first time Santana had acknowledged her past relationship with Brittany.
"Weren't you scared...you'd get caught?" Rachel asked and she had to clear her throat for the words to properly come out of her mouth.
"Yeah...I was scared shitless." Santana whispered breathily, her gaze on the singer's lips. "It was part of the kick. It was, like, breaking the rules in the last place we should have. It made it twice as good."
Rachel had to blink herself out of the other girl's spell. She did not understand how the Latina did it, how her strange charisma seemed to easily envelop people into a world of confusion and wake up in people's body an artificial need to be desired by her. She was a vicious version of Venus or her son, Eros, embodied by a lust consumed woman.
Santana chuckled.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked, her face leaning closer, and her dark brown eyes peering into her own.
"Kissing you," answered Rachel, trying to beat the darker brunette at her own game.
Santana caught her bottom lip under a row of white teeth.
"mmhm...Yeah?"She said, quirking an eyebrow and letting out a throaty laugh.
"Yeah," Rachel replied with firmness.
Santana anxiously rolled her bottom lip with her teeth before releasing it to take a sharp breath. She cautiously approached the other girl, her gaze flickering from Rachel's mouth to her eyes. She paused at a hair distance from the other girl's lips, gulped, smiled shakily, and hesitantly, almost shyly, kissed Rachel, lingering a little before pulling back. Her tanned cheeks had taken a dark shade of red and her gaze was darting in every direction but the other brunette's face. Rachel was surprised by how innocent the kiss had been. She had expected something more forceful, demanding, with grasping hands, but there was none of that. Even Finn had never kissed her in that way and Rachel was almost angry at Santana for being so reserved.
"You lips are dry." Rachel stated a bit more harshly than intended.
Santana scowled and got up on her feet. Only then, Rachel realized her mistake. She caught the other girl's arm before she could walk away.
"Wait," she yelped, almost desperately. She tried to cover her frustration with some lies. "I'm sorry San, I'm so sorry. I really don't know why I said that. It's just- I thought- I was- I was expecting something else. I was under the impression you were was attracted to me as much as I am to you and, when you pulled back so quickly, I thought that I had maybe foolishly imagined everything. Please, give me a chance. I'm new to this. I've never kissed a girl before you and it scares me. I'm terribly insecure about it. I make all of these scenarios in my head and-"
"Stop rambling!" Santana yelled suddenly, unhooking her arm from Rachel's hand, and bringing both of her hands to her temples. "It's so freaking annoying."
She sat in front of Rachel, crossed her arms over chest, and studied her in silence. Her eyes were filled with rage. They were searching for answers Rachel was certain she would not find. The Latina's stare wasn't nearly as piercing as usual. It was sincere, angry, but sincere. Rachel's eyes were the one wearing a mask and it was made of so many layers that even the singer could not tell true from the false. After a time, Santana sighed and looked away, breaking the tension, and the singer knew she had won.
Rachel stood up. She bent forward and used her right hand to gently lift Santana's chin.
"I'm sorry," she reiterated, smiling guiltily.
Santana did not reply. Instead, she wordlessly stared at her. Rachel knew most of her anger had dissipated, but she needed to wash it completely away. The singer pulled Santana into a kiss almost as soft as the one the Latina had given her just a moment before but much more insistent and long. Santana's arms uncrossed from her chest and wrapped around the other girl's waist, pulling her forward. Rachel's calves hit the bench and she almost fell unto Santana's laps. She broke their kiss and giggled against the Latina's cheek before climbing on the bench to straddle her thighs. After settling herself in this new position, she cupped Santana's jaw with her hands and kissed her again. The darker brunette gasped against her mouth. To play this role was much easier than Rachel had thought. It was so empowering.
"It's been such a long time since I-" Santana stopped on her trail. Rachel inched backwards, waiting for more, but the only sound coming out of the Latina's was the one of her shaky breath.
Santana tried to lean forward to resume their kiss but Rachel's hands held her back.
"Since you what?" Santana frowned, her eyes staring longingly at Rachel's lips.
"Nothing..." She whispered.
"What?" Rachel insisted, speaking in a soothing voice.
"Since I felt this way," Santana completed the earlier sentence with her eyes to the ground. She brought her hand to her ear as though she was trying to readjust her hair, but since it was already neatly pulled into a ponytail, she settled on toying nervously with her earring. Her silver bracelet was dancing under the light. "Do you- Do you have, like, butterflies when you kiss me?"
Rachel could hear the drumming of her own heart in her ears. It was not supposed to be like this. Santana wasn't supposed to sound sweet and fragile. She was a ruthless predatory bisexual girl. She was completely insensible to her lovers' feelings. Most of her actions were driven by her highly active libido. Santana was starting to fidget under her stare and Rachel had no choice but to answer.
"Yes," she replied. Santana was probably trying to do some weird power play. There was no way she could be so insecure. Then, she thought of it. Maybe Brittany knew Rachel was up to something which was why she was giving her all those looks and maybe she had told Santana. This could explain the other girl's innocent manners.
Footsteps resonated down the hallway. Rachel jumped off Santana and sat back to her previous spot. Her eyes shifted nervously towards the door.
"Hello world!" Brittany screamed as she stepped into the room. "Hi Rachel! Hi Santana!"
"Britt, no shouting at this hour, please." Santana growled and rolled her eyes. "You know how much I hate it."
"I know, I know, grumpy missy." Brittany answered before seating next to Rachel. She gave a little scolding tap on Santana's nose. The Latina scowled at the touch, but the blond ignored it completely. "So, like, did you two kiss again like I said you should do?"
The silence that followed was interrupted by a loud slapping noise. Brittany intercepted Santana's hand while it was pulling away from her reddening thigh. She held it firmly.
"I know you didn't want to hit that hard but it kind of hurts." Santana tried to wriggle her hand out of her grasp, but Brittany stood up, caught the brunette's other arm, and pinned them both behind her back. "Say you're sorry."
Santana giggled, her body writhing under Brittany's strong hold.
"Stop!"She squealed, her cheeks turning crimson, and her eyes shining like the ones of a child.
"Not until you say you're sorry."Brittany replied, trying to sound threatening, but failing miserably at it.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry Brittz" Santana replied, laughing loudly, in an almost carefree way. Brittany released her but didn't let go of her hand. She sat back at her place.
"So..."The blond girl trailed off, looking at Rachel. "Did you two kiss again?"
Rachel glanced at the Latina. Santana had lost her smile and was now staring at her caramel fingers intertwined with Brittany's paler ones.
"Yes, we did." The singer replied.
"I think Santana has a lady crush on you." Brittany told her teasingly.
"Britt, shut up, I'm not gay." Santana sneered.
"I'm not gay either and I get lady crushes all the time and Rachel too. She totally has a lady crush on you. Don't you Rachel?" Rachel nodded uncertainly and Brittany pursued. "See! It's like super normal to have lady crushes. There's like totally no reason to cry about it...if ever, you know, someone felt like crying about it. Not that anybody does."
"'Kay, Britt, we got it."
Rachel's eyes darted from one girl to the other, wondering exactly in one world did these notoriously promiscuous girls live in. She brought her feet up on the bench in front of her. She was uncomfortable. How strangely coincidental was it that their friendship had seemed to be renewed just after Rachel had decided to kiss Santana.
She had to admit that she was starting to wonder if the two girls were playing a game with her. After all, Rachel was pretending, why wouldn't they be doing it too?
Maybe Quinn was in it too...Maybe Quinn was still doing drawings of her in her notebooks and they were all making fun of her behind her back...maybe Santana was repeating to her two friends every single word Rachel would tell her.
What if Santana and Brittany were never even attracted to one another?
Maybe they had waited to be sure that Rachel would see them kiss to do so...Maybe they had planned it all along.
What if everything she thought was real was not and she was the one being played?
The only thing Rachel knew for sure was that she was about to enter a world ruled by madness.