Words 6
"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end." Benjamin Disraeli
Rachel was hypnotized by her own reflection. Her dark brown eyes were staring at her, like those of a stranger, in the mirror. She was wearing the colors of McKinley High's cheerleading squad and somehow seeing herself in that way was overwhelming her. She ran her fingers over the red, black, and white fabric.
When coach Sylvester had handed her this simple uniform, a new sense of power had been bestowed to her. She now seemed stunning. Her dark hair seemed to shine healthily under the last beams of the setting sun. Her eyes, filled with self-confidence and with a certain awareness of her own beauty, were striking. The lip-gloss on her lips made them seem more full and sensual. She looked alluring all of a sudden and it made her glow.
She blushed.
Her hand went to her cheek and she lowered her eyes intimidated that she was by her new self. She could have stayed like this for hours, but the sound of someone ringing at the door interrupted her self-gazing.
"Rachel, it's for you!" One of her father shouted from down the stairs.
Meredith and Kelly had probably heard about the news and had come to her house to congratulate her. Rachel smiled broadly, gave a last glance at her reflection, and winked at herself. She ran excitedly down the stairs and was confronted with the most unlikely visit she could have had.
Finn.
She gasped when she saw him sitting on the couch, looking anxious. Her prince charming was there waiting for her. Maybe had he fallen out of the spell thrown by that evil witch Santana? Maybe was he there to come and claim her as his lady? Maybe her new popularity had made him regret his decision to leave her?
"Finn?" She said, her voice sounding squeaky. "What...What are you doing here?"
"You're a cheerleader now?" He replied seemingly dumfounded.
"Yes, yes, as from today, I am part of the cheerleading team. Isn't great?"
Finn frowned. His eyes travelled from side to side and he stood up clumsily.
"Yeah, about that..."He gulped nervously."Rachel, what's going on? I spoke to the other members of Glee club and we sort of agreed that someone had to come and talk to you. You're different..."
"I don't understand what you're referring to. Would you like some water or some cookies? I made some cookies today. I assure you they are succulent."
He opened his mouth to answer, but, before he could say anything, Rachel was out of the room and running into the kitchen. Her heart was racing and she knew her cheeks were flushed. She went through the cupboard over the sink searching for a glass. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably. They suddenly seemed like an alien extension of her body. She stopped moving. One of her hand slid off the cupboard and pathetically fell unto the counter. She took a deep breath trying to regain control over her body, over her emotions.
She couldn't do it.
Instead, she let out a throaty sob. Tears started pouring down her cheeks. She shuttered and brought her second hand to her now running nose. Obviously, Finn wasn't there to declare her his undying love. He was there to criticize her. How could she have believed it could be something else? How could she have thought that he was there for her? He was there to judge her like he always had. She wasn't good enough for him.
She wasn't...
She wasn't Santana.
When he slept at night, did he dream of the intimate moment they shared in that motel room? Did he think of her luscious lips? Of her perfect body? Did he remember how she touched him? How she had loved him, loved his body, made love to his body?
Rachel hated her own imperfection.
She hated her own physical appearance, her not-good-enough physical appearance. She clenched her teeth and wiped her tears. It didn't matter. It didn't matter anymore. She didn't care about Finn, did she? It was his lost after all. More and more guys desired to be involved into a romantic relationship with her. Maybe he was just jealous? Maybe that was the real reason why he didn't like her ascension on the high school scale of popularity.
She licked her lips.
They tasted salty she noted with a bitter smile. She wiped her tears and sniffed. Her eyes explored the room for a box of Kleenex.
She didn't find any.
Evidently, it was Murphy's Law. Everything that could possibly go wrong was going to go wrong. She sighed and walked to the cookies that were on the kitchen table.
Finn loved her cookies...or used to love them?
She gripped the box firmly and went back into the living-room. With a fake smile on her face, she extended it to her ex-boyfriend.
"Thanks." He whispered as he took the largest cookie within his reach.
He ate it quietly while the talented singer looked at him. There was an awkward silence between them. Tension filled the room. Rachel had to bit her bottom lip to hide the fact that it was quivering.
"Isn't delicious? Do you like it? Would you like a glass of soy milk to go with it?"
Finn shook his head from side to side.
"No, Rachel, stop."
The small brunette took a large intake of breath. She sat on a low table in front of the couch and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes on the floor, she waited for him to speak again.
"Rachel, you're...I'm not really sure what to say. You're not the same. You barely talk during Glee. You've been spending all your time with Kelly and Meredith and from what I know of them they're not really nice girls. I don't understand. It scares me." He scratched his neck anxiously. "And now you're a cheerleader."
"And you're a football player Finn." Rachel shrieked. She didn't feel well.
"That's it? That's why?" He replied a bit aggressively. His features were scrunched in a way confused that the small diva had always found absolutely adorable.
"No, it's not that. Finn, I have my reasons. It's not all about you. "She stopped on her trail. She was feeling as though the air in her lungs was constricted. Her lashes fluttered as she tried to breathe normally. "Why wouldn't I want to be popular too? Maybe I'm tired of being always left out. Why wouldn't I want to form intimate relationships with other people than you? I want friends, people with whom I can share thoughts and feelings. I don't want my life to be a prison of solitude, of isolation, of loneliness. Have you ever had the sensation that, instead of living your own, you were observing other people's life through the meaning of a window? I do Finn, I do, all the time."
Finn stood agape. He looked a bit like a child confronted to a reality he could not understand. His eyes were bulging out of their sockets as he tried to find something to say.
"Rachel, you don't have to do this. You have friends. The people in Glee club, they like you!"
His ex-girlfriend frowned. She turned her stare out the window. A group of friends were walking on the sidewalk across the street and she watched sombrely as they stopped to talk under a flickering lamppost.
"Don't be preposterous. We both know that's not true. Santana is right. They just pretend to like me."
"Her? Again? I can't believe you're still on that." Finn sighed. "Get over it. It's turning into obsession."
Little did he know how his choice of words had been effectively appropriate under the circumstances, but the real problem was that Rachel didn't know it either.
"The status of the present conversation leads me to believe that it won't get any better so I will pleasantly ask you to leave my house."
Finn nodded.
"Okay," his shoulders slumped forward, "okay."
She walked him to the door. He slowly slid his boots on. Then, he straightened his back. His gaze was unstable and he kept on shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Suddenly, he bent forward and kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Rachel, if there's ever something going on, I want you know I'm there, okay?"
She smiled weakly.
"Okay." She murmured even though she knew she wouldn't do it.
She closed the door and watched him go as he walked through the night. It was a habit inherited from the days where they had been a couple, the only different being that this time, instead of jumping wildly in her chest, her heart felt as cold as death.
part7