Words 1
"Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill." Buddha
It's strange how simple words could have such a deep impact on our lives. We use them without really thinking of their power. They can be almost meaningless for the one that uses them, but terribly important for the ones that are confronted by them.
Rachel Berry was one of those people who knew too well how words could be important. She, actually, felt words pierce her skin almost as painfully as deeply sharp knifes every time she walked down the corridors of her school. She knew the scars of her pain weren't visible from the exterior, but she did feel them inside. Part of her could guess that the reason why she was hanging so fiercely to her ambitious dreams was that she needed them desperately to be able to stand her terrifying routine of constant humiliation.
Rachel was someone who craved for attention, acceptance. She had this strong need to be admired, but, sadly, she couldn't find it with her classmates at school so she had other ways of achieving it. Glee was the most perfect way of soothing her pain. It was, in a way, a compensation for having to suffer the torture of being at the bottom her high school social ladder. To her glee was a concrete example of how her life could be in the future if she continued to battle her way on the path that would eventually bring her to her goal. She knew how talented she was. She was strongly willed. She would surely make it and that thought was made her able to be happy no matter how hard her days could be.
Lately, it had been much harder to hold to her dreams of reaching perfection. Her boyfriend, her high school sweetheart, had broken up with her and no matter how much she tried to go back with him, it didn't work. It was hard because it made her realize that she could actually meet failure which was the thing in the world that Rachel feared the most. Facing the remains of her now completely shattered relationship, she was beginning to lose confidence. While she used to go to school with a large smile on her face knowing that no matter how rude her classmates could be to her, she would always have the fulfillment of her passion for music to brighten her day, now even that couldn't wipe the continuous mask of sadness she wore on her face. It was more than seeing her boyfriend taken away from her. It was also coming to realize that no matter how much she worked for things, they could be taken away from her in the quarter of a second it took her to blink. Even if one day she had it all, she could, by the next one, lose it all.
She had become numb. It didn't really matter anymore if she got solos or not in glee, or if she was the best of her ballet class, or if she was the first of her high school class. Something in her had broken. She had transformed into a lifeless puppet. People, circumstances, had become similar to puppeteers of her life pulling her strings in various directions that she did not choose, but she didn't really care anymore.
It was in this state that she dragged her feet down to Puck's house on New Year's Eve. He had decided to host a small party for the occasion and had invited the members of the glee club. She was walking up the driveway when she heard Kurt calling her name from behind her. She waited until he had caught up with her in his swift graceful way walking.
"I'm very glad that Puck decided to invite you as well, Kurt. I must admit that I was a bit anxious at the idea of having to spend the night only with people who despise me entirely not that I assume that you do like me, but, lately, I feel like we have reached a certain truce and, for that reason, it comforts me to know that you are there today."
"You're nervous?" He asked with a crooked smile.
"No, not really. I'm simply tired of feeling constantly pushed around and I have a feeling that this night will be, for me, the same as always which means exactly that."
He didn't answer. They walked in silence towards the front door of Puck's house. Kurt was the one to ring. They patiently waited for someone to come and open it. It was Finn who greeted them. Ironically, the memory of them singing Don't Go Breaking my Heart flashed through her mind as their eyes met. Seeing him awkwardly looking in her direction felt like receiving jab to her heart, she gave him a shaky smile and nervously pulled a dark strand of hair behind her ear. She sighed and licked her lips trying to find something to say, but nothing came to her mind. She felt paralyzed by the pain lying in the pit of her stomach. Everything was wrong, so wrong, because she had no control on anything that was going on.
When they got inside, everybody was already there. Quinn and Sam were curled together on a couch. Mike and Tina were sitting side by side on wooden chairs holding hands. Brittany was in Artie's laps her head resting on his shoulder. Puck was standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room beer in hand. Next to him was Lauren staring at him while eating a chocolate bar. Santana was sitting alone on an armchair by the fireplace scowling like usual. Her attention was turned on her cell phone.
Rachel was about to do one of her customary speeches when Finn came into her view. He had three chairs in his hands and a blank expression on his face. She bent her head and glanced sideways better was she not to attract attention. She took one of the chairs and dragged it in a lonely corner of the room. She decided to install it as far as possible from Santana who she still resented, and, she had to admit, feared a little.
People were talking and Rachel was observing them in silence. Everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves except Finn who had a stern look on his face, Santana who seemed deeply bored or annoyed, and herself. Rachel thought it was pretty ironic that the three of them were coincidentally, or not, the most cheerless. They seemed to form an almost perfect triangle of quiet desperation. They were like the Bermuda triangle of sadness all the joy from the room seemed to disappear between their lines. She did not get though the shadow of misery in Santana's eyes.
The Latina had everything Rachel ever wanted and she loathed her for it. She had beauty, popularity; she even had had the solo Rachel deserved at sectionals and, worst than all, she had taken Finn's virginity. Santana merited none of it. She was a cruel person with absolutely no compassion. She was ruthless. She didn't mind to crush others to get what she wanted which sometimes was only to be amused.
Rachel hated her for that.
She hated her deeply.
The night went on. The group started playing drinking game and laughing out loud. At some point, Puck began to play his guitar and they sang along. Finn joined them. He soon was smiling slightly and seemed to be enjoying himself.
Rachel stayed quietly in her corner with her arms crossed. She noticed that Santana, at the opposite side of her room was mimicking her position. The other brunette seemed filled with frustration. Her lips were pressed in a thin line. Her eyes were staring firmly in front of her. It was one of the rare times that Rachel paid real attention to her and it was the first time that she came to realization that even monsters had thoughts and feelings like anyone else. At some point, the Latina's tan hands slapped her own thighs in a loud sound and she got on her feet.
"I'm going to use the bathroom. Britt, 'coming with me?" She asked to her friend walking towards her with her two hands on her hips.
"But I don't need to go."Brittany blinked a few times.
"We always go to the bathroom together Britt."
Quinn interrupted them impatiently.
"Just go with her Brittany. She obviously isn't able to go alone."
Santana glared at the head cheerleader. Brittany gave a quick peck on her boyfriend's cheek and walked towards her friend. The both disappeared into the corridor.
Rachel heard them walking up the stairs. When it seemed that it took more time than they should have had, she couldn't help, but feel curious.
It wasn't as if people would notice her absence. She discretely walked out of the room and went towards the upstairs bathroom of the house. She was reaching the top of the staircase when she heard some loud whispering which she couldn't clearly make out. She followed the sound to find the two cheerleaders in what she recognized as Puck's room. Brittany was sitting on a chair with her back to the door and in front of her was a furiously pacing Santana. It was pitched dark and Rachel knew that, if she didn't move, nobody would be able to see her.
"Come on Britt." She heard the Latina's shaky voice whisper pleadingly and it seemed off to their spy to be able to discern such vulnerability in her voice.
"Santana, no, I'm with Artie now." The other cheerio answered in her usual blank tone.
"It's just one kiss. It's not as if we haven't done more than that when you were with your previous boyfriends." Santana replied and Rachel could see that she had stopped walking and that she was now standing in front of Brittany with her arms crossed over her chest.
Rachel's long lashes fluttered. The two cheerleaders had a history? She didn't know that. It was probably one of those many things that everybody had heard of except her.
There was no reply, but Rachel saw the standing cheerleader bent forward and press her lips against the other ones mouth to be immediately pushed away.
"Britt, I miss you so much. Stop this thing, I got it, everything can go back like before." The Latina murmured her voice cracking.
"I don't want it to go back like before Santana. Your hurt me too much. We can't go back to how it used to be. It will never be like it used to be. Don't you see it? You broke it and it can't be repaired." Brittany said firmly.
"I could change. I could, really, I promise. I...I... wouldn't like for everybody at school to know, but, like, we could be out with the others in glee club. Would that be okay?"
Santana crouched in front of Brittany and placed her two hands on her ex-lover's knees. Even from where she stood, Rachel could see the pain in her eyes.
"San, no, it's too late. If you had told me that before I would have said yes, but not now." Brittany sighed."I used to love you more than anything. I probably will never love someone like I loved you, but I'm in love with Artie now."
"How can you say you loved me when you threw yourself at him after one fight? One stupid fight Brittany and you were all over him!" There was now anger in her voice.
"It's more than that San. You spend so much time thinking about yourself and your needs that you don't see what you do to others." Brittany said in a low voice.
"Britt, that's so not true, you know I care about you."
"That's not...I know that you care about me."
Brittany sighed and stood up. She took the reluctant brunette into her arms. After a few seconds, Rachel saw Santana's arms snaking around her friend's neck and her head falling painfully to rest on Brittany's shoulder.
"I'll still be your friend San. It just won't be like before." She rocked the brunette from side to side before backing up a little bit. She, then, giggled and cupped the Latina's face with both of her hands. "Don't give me that grumpy look Sanny baby."
"I hate you." Santana let out but there was a smile in her voice.
"Okay, one kiss, one last kiss, but I warn you there won't be nothing more."
With that being said, Brittany closed the gap between them and gently pressed her mouth on the other girl's. It was the first time that Rachel saw two women kissing and, strangely, even though she strongly disliked one of them, her heart was suddenly filled with a nervous form of excitation. It was nothing she had seen before. It was beautiful yet sad, soft yet passionate, sweet yet painful. It was feminine, delicate, and oddly romantic. Watching it felt like being part of a mysterious secret to which only lucky souls could have access. They broke apart and Santana's eyelids leisurely opened. That was when she eye locked with the girl spying on them. All the conflicting emotions that were battling in the Latina's eyes transformed into one of disdainful hate.
Fear overtook Rachel's body and, in less than seconds, she was running down the stairs. She re-entered the living-room. Her heart was racing and she was out of breath. Nobody even noticed her. Rachel realized that when she wasn't talking, she blended perfectly with the wall. She could have been invisible that it wouldn't have made any difference.
It didn't take long before the two cheerleaders were back. Brittany skipped childishly towards her boyfriend before sitting on him and nuzzling his neck. Santana crept behind Rachel and rested one of her hands on the singer's chair. Rachel stiffened when she felt the sombre presence behind her back. The muscles of her stomach contracted nervously. She held her breath. She was waiting anxiously for the Machiavellian scheme the other girl had planned for her. She was so exhaustingly nervous that she felt nauseated. She knew what Santana was able to do just because she disliked someone. She could barely imagine what could happen if she actually did hold a grudge against a person.
A strong hand suddenly grasped her shoulder and dark hair slid against her cheek and neck. Rachel shut her eyes tightly with apprehension. She shuddered when she felt the hot breath of a harsh whisper hit her ear.
"You think you're life is miserable? If you ever say something about what you saw, I'll make your life a fucking nightmare. Believe me; Holocaust will seem like a walk in the park compared to what I could do to you so you better shut the fuck up."
It was simple words, but, little did either of them know, that they would become the first gear motion of the strange turn of events that was about to happen.
part2