My sweetest Sin - Chapter VIII
The morning was definitely one of the better ones - rays of sunshine fell through the uncovered glass of the window and a comfortable warmth was trapped between the cozy sheets on the seemingly endless mattress. What a perfect way to wake up - no matter where he turned, he never felt the borders of his bed and from deep within, a wonderful feeling spread through his whole body, crawling along his veins into every fibre of his being. Still hanging somewhere between sleep and awakeness, all his senses focused on the tingling, great feeling and the more he followed its lead, the more he returned to conciousness. And when he finally felt awake enough to open his eyes - he found himself in a foreign bed that actually wasn’t that foreign and step by step, fragments of memories chrashed down onto him, and together with it the bitter feeling of familiarity; this was exactly what he felt like when he woke up in the church not too long ago. The same soreness of body and mind, the incredible weight of guilt and sin, even the pain bolting through his spine when he moved too much - everything was back. What happened? What on earth has happened?
He remembered being angry, so enormously angry, all this frustation breaking out of him without his control, all the anger he held back because he wanted to help, but no, that damn rebellious asshole always had to make things worse by pulling off all these stupid acts- Yunho~
By the way, where was that stupid jerk? JaeJoong could swear he never ever cursed that much, even just in his mind, and it all led back to the oh-so-badass rocker, therefore, of course, he had to endure all of Jae’s endless ranting. It was all his fault nonetheless and maybe, just maybe the younger boy could find a way to make Jae feel better again - physically and maybe even emotionally.
There was a difference between the last time in the church and their current encounter - even though JaeJoong knew he might feel horrible later, his mind was still pleasantly numb and claimed that this time, he didn’t feel as atrocious as before, not as dirty, not as used. As to why, well, he had more than enough time to figure that out, right?
The pretty boy tossed and turned for quite a while, his body still aching but other than that, a strange feeling began to creep into his thoughts. Where was Yunho? There were no sounds outside the room, no sign of any of the warehouse’s occupants. Was there anything Yunho had to do? It couldn’t be that late, right? He sat up and searched the room for anything that could give him a clue about what was going on and he actually did find one - taped onto a pillow next to him, a little crumpled since JaeJoong obviously used it to make himself more comfortable on the cusioned floor, an innocent yellow piece of paper with only a few words written on. Still enough to make the whole world crash and burn around a seventeen-year-old boy.
Work get lost customers
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Wandering through the streets, sunny weather, people walking around with big smiles and open hearts, the smell of green after a long, heavy rain - none of those things quite registered in JaeJoong’s mind. Actually, there wasn’t really anything setting in his brain, no clear thoughts hunting him. It was as if his body tried to block all kinds of information to rescue at least a small part of him, and without the distraction of emotions, memories and thoughts it was almost okay. Almost forgotten.
The only really bad thing was that no matter how good he was in numbing himself, the teenager knew that at some point, all his problems would come back chasing him, crashing in on him full force if he as much as let his guard down for even just one second. This nagging, soft voice of certainty was there all the time and in the end, it would be proved right. The damage was done and nothing could change that anymore. No praying or repentance would be able to save his soul now; not because he was committing the same sin again - God was gracious, and JaeJoong just a confused child in a very bad and curruptive world, so why not. The problem lay in the fact that the pious acolyte didn’t quite regret his doings. Of course, he felt dirty and used and even the smallest thought of Yunho pained him deeply, but he still knew, if he would be in that position again~ gosh, what on earth had happened? Where was the devout young kid that knew what his future would be like, that loved God dearly and never ever questioned His ways? Who was doing anything to become a priest and help all those who lost their connection to Him, because his faith was so strong and unbreakable, it was enough for others, too?
It was almost pathetic how much power the boy with the silly clothing style and too much eyeliner held over him.
After hours of wandering around JaeJoong knew for sure; it wasn’t the sin or the fact that he obviously was drugged by Yunho’s housemate; it was the betrayal he felt that pained him the most, his stupid, broken heart that opened up way too easily to someone as dangerous as the 17 year old giggolo.
No matter how hard the young acolyte tried, to those who knew him well, his emotions were clearly displayed on the beautiful face, especially when he felt hurt. Therefore, it wasn’t too strange when Father Matthew refrained from lecturing him for disappearing for two days in a row upon a look into the alarmingly empty face. And he also didn’t ask the young boy any questions...
... because, did he really want to know?
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Some days decided to be nice towards the teenager, with weather as gray and dark as his mood; others tried to mock him with sunshine and golden tinted leaves on trees and red-shaded nature. Jae spent most of his time inside his room, refusing to talk and even pray, neglecting his church duties more and more and he knew how much this must have scared his patron and the nuns, but really - how could he expect God to hear him out and help him get through the dark of his situation when his very problem was so much what religion told him to be wrong, disgusting, a reason to burn in hell? How could he really keep his faith when his good intentions ended up in a maze of sin and misery, when the more time passed, the more he longed for the rebellious seducer? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why couldn’t those thoughts just stop when all they did was hurting like hell and trigger a desperate feeling of loss at the same time?
It was obvious that at some point, JaeJoong wouldn’t be able to keep that behaviour up anylonger. The patience of the clerks was something they were famous for and the fact that all of the inhabitants of the convent loved their little, nice boy gained him more time than usual, but even their good will won’t last forever. Hence, it wasn’t all that surprising when Father Matthew stood in his doorframe this one, particularily sunny, afternoon. But all that didn’t make it any easier. There was nothing, absolutely nothing Jae could say; he just couldn’t confide in the man he respected so much, not when his problems were as shocking as they were. Who was he to talk about all his sinful feelings, his dirty thoughts and even worse actions to this man of God? What would it do them any good? He couldn’t shatter all the high hopes the priest had for him just so he could feel better.
So, for the first time ever, nothing Father Matthew said could break the young boy’s silence. It was sad to see the defeated look in his patron’s eyes, but really, this breaking his heart was way better than the truth.
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Even if JaeJoong couldn’t find a solution to his problems, he understood that the least he could do for the people that cared for him was functioning. The nuns, the other acolytes and most of all Father Matthew - they all deserved their fair share of peace. JaeJoong’s personal troubles didn’t neccessarily need to influence the others’ lives as well.
So, he got a hold on himself and returned to normal; well, not really, but he never was the worst of actor. It was hard at first, forcing his lips to smile even if he didn’t feel like it at all and make others believe he meant it; going out for more than everyday errands, just because the day was so nice. But the most difficult of all tasks surely was surviving his church duties. Damn all these years that taught him about God’s ways and wishes, because now, he felt guilty and ashamed with every single step he took throught the holy halls.
But no matter how hard it was for him, he had to do this. For all those people that loved him and cared so much for him.
It went well, he thought and so he was a little confused when one afternoon, Father Matthew came by his room, sitting down next to the boy on his bed, displaying a troubled look.
“JaeJoong, this doesn’t work.”
The words were spoken softly, carefully, but this still didn’t lessen the impact they had on the young boy. He was doing okay, wasn’t he? He functioned.
“I know you’re trying and some of the others are actually convinced you’re getting over whatever it was that threw you off track, but I know you better than that.”
The priest let his words settle and looked his boy in the eyes. All he wanted the young boy to see was that he understood, that he could be trusted and Jae had to swallow hard due to the intensity of all this.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it with me, you’re old enough to have your own share of secrets, but please; instead of sulking, go and try to solve the problem. This here-“, he gestured awkwardly around Jae’s form, “simply isn’t you!”
The honest smile and the warm reassurance of his patron’s hand on his shoulder were making JaeJoong feel the best he did in a long time. Not that he was miraculously feeling all good now, but he understood that maybe he was getting a little too used to being whiny and depressive. It was not the end of the world, even if from his point of view everything seemed shattered. He wouldn’t die, even if he was feeling that aweful pain, daily, without a day of exception.
Maybe he should stop acting and start working on the problem like Father Matthew advised? Stop avoiding the places Yunho could be and let fate decide if they meet again? Who said he had to be like this forever?
“Thank you, Father, I’ll keep your words in mind.”
When later that afternoon JaeJoong announced he’d go out for a while - without an errand to run for anybody - the first traces of doubt came with the voice of Sister Mary Lucas, suddenly standing next to the Father and watching the younbg boy leave.
“Do you really think it was the wisest idea to send him back to the root of his problems? Maybe this time, he needs protection, not confrontation?”
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
No, it really was not a surprise to see him here, in that certain corner of that street, right in the middle of that part of time and especially at that time of the day. Who was JaeJoong trying to kid? So, when his gaze met Yunho’s black rimmed one, there was no way he could play the ‘what-a-surprise-to-meet-you-here’-card at him. But he had to do something, had to drop the oblivious act and confront the other boy, no matter how hard the betrayal ached right this moment. The pain was good, something that reminded him of how bad he was treated by the damn hooker in front of him, instead of falling for the slightly sheepish expression and forgiving too easily. This guy didn’t deserve any of Jae’s kind nature and if he didn’t act on the Christian precept of forgiving right now, whose fault was this, huh? Huh?
So, when the pretty Christian boy crossed the street, his anger grew with every step he took and everything felt so familiar, they both simply knew what was going to happen even before the older started his loud and furious rant.
“Oh hey there, hard worker! You doing fine? Business runs smoothly?” God, he sounded like a bitch, all that sarcasm, but surprisingly, he didn’t care as long as Yunho looked as uncomfortable as he did now.
“You actually thought you’d get off the hook this easily, right? You thought you could screw me up - literally - and just go on with your poor excuse of a life, huh? That if you just treat me like trash, I’d run away and never turn back and you could go on with your everyday life, pretending it was alright and never hear any of my words again. Didn’t you?”
This... was really not going the way he planned it, but whatever, it seemed to work and with every word Jae spit out, he felt it more true than any of the heartbrokeness he was drowning in the last weeks.
“You know what? I won’t let go off you, I won’t get lost forever, because the way you are living is wrong, Yunho, because you need to change these silly, dangerous ways or you’ll end up broken. And if you like it or not, I will be here and make you!”
And with that said, he reached forward to grab the rebel’s neck, pulling him forward into a hard, demanding kiss that the other, albeit shocked, answered with just as much passion.
And for just this one moment, everything seemed like it could be okay again; the world seemed to finally be back on the right track and maybe they could work it out.
This was, until JaeJoong felt himself violently pulled away from Yunho, directly followed by a sudden pain covering the whole left side of his face and a loud slap resonating through the air. It took him a few seconds to adjust, to sort out the happenings before he opened his eyes -
just to look right into the disappointed, disgusted face of the one Father Matthew.
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
A/N: Hey folks!
I'm so, so sorry, for the long delay of this chap - I know, some of you were quite worried and I really didn't want to worry you guys! It's just, real life has been buzzing with stress lately, positive and negative, and in addition to that, I was kinda off fandom lately. With all the stuff happening, I just found it hard to write on this story and decided to be a more silent supporter... I hope you'll understand and can forgive me^^;;; Just know that I love you all and I love this little story of mine, so I didn't want to write anything half-heartedly and this just took some time.
Anyway, I hope I didn't lose the hang of this story and you could enjoy this chapter - things are getting difficult! So much tension! What's JaeJoong supposed to do now? Tell me your thoughts, babies♥
Ps: unknowntibidip made this AMAZING poster for my ficcie and I want you all to see it... it's so pretty!!!!!!!! Thank you so much, I really adore it (I just didn't use it because I was gone for such a long time, I hoped the banner will help you guys remember the fic *gets bricked*) Please go an tell her how amazing she is here? Thanks in advance♥
And here it is:
Chapter IX
He remembered being angry, so enormously angry, all this frustation breaking out of him without his control, all the anger he held back because he wanted to help, but no, that damn rebellious asshole always had to make things worse by pulling off all these stupid acts- Yunho~
By the way, where was that stupid jerk? JaeJoong could swear he never ever cursed that much, even just in his mind, and it all led back to the oh-so-badass rocker, therefore, of course, he had to endure all of Jae’s endless ranting. It was all his fault nonetheless and maybe, just maybe the younger boy could find a way to make Jae feel better again - physically and maybe even emotionally.
There was a difference between the last time in the church and their current encounter - even though JaeJoong knew he might feel horrible later, his mind was still pleasantly numb and claimed that this time, he didn’t feel as atrocious as before, not as dirty, not as used. As to why, well, he had more than enough time to figure that out, right?
The pretty boy tossed and turned for quite a while, his body still aching but other than that, a strange feeling began to creep into his thoughts. Where was Yunho? There were no sounds outside the room, no sign of any of the warehouse’s occupants. Was there anything Yunho had to do? It couldn’t be that late, right? He sat up and searched the room for anything that could give him a clue about what was going on and he actually did find one - taped onto a pillow next to him, a little crumpled since JaeJoong obviously used it to make himself more comfortable on the cusioned floor, an innocent yellow piece of paper with only a few words written on. Still enough to make the whole world crash and burn around a seventeen-year-old boy.
Work get lost customers
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Wandering through the streets, sunny weather, people walking around with big smiles and open hearts, the smell of green after a long, heavy rain - none of those things quite registered in JaeJoong’s mind. Actually, there wasn’t really anything setting in his brain, no clear thoughts hunting him. It was as if his body tried to block all kinds of information to rescue at least a small part of him, and without the distraction of emotions, memories and thoughts it was almost okay. Almost forgotten.
The only really bad thing was that no matter how good he was in numbing himself, the teenager knew that at some point, all his problems would come back chasing him, crashing in on him full force if he as much as let his guard down for even just one second. This nagging, soft voice of certainty was there all the time and in the end, it would be proved right. The damage was done and nothing could change that anymore. No praying or repentance would be able to save his soul now; not because he was committing the same sin again - God was gracious, and JaeJoong just a confused child in a very bad and curruptive world, so why not. The problem lay in the fact that the pious acolyte didn’t quite regret his doings. Of course, he felt dirty and used and even the smallest thought of Yunho pained him deeply, but he still knew, if he would be in that position again~ gosh, what on earth had happened? Where was the devout young kid that knew what his future would be like, that loved God dearly and never ever questioned His ways? Who was doing anything to become a priest and help all those who lost their connection to Him, because his faith was so strong and unbreakable, it was enough for others, too?
It was almost pathetic how much power the boy with the silly clothing style and too much eyeliner held over him.
After hours of wandering around JaeJoong knew for sure; it wasn’t the sin or the fact that he obviously was drugged by Yunho’s housemate; it was the betrayal he felt that pained him the most, his stupid, broken heart that opened up way too easily to someone as dangerous as the 17 year old giggolo.
No matter how hard the young acolyte tried, to those who knew him well, his emotions were clearly displayed on the beautiful face, especially when he felt hurt. Therefore, it wasn’t too strange when Father Matthew refrained from lecturing him for disappearing for two days in a row upon a look into the alarmingly empty face. And he also didn’t ask the young boy any questions...
... because, did he really want to know?
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Some days decided to be nice towards the teenager, with weather as gray and dark as his mood; others tried to mock him with sunshine and golden tinted leaves on trees and red-shaded nature. Jae spent most of his time inside his room, refusing to talk and even pray, neglecting his church duties more and more and he knew how much this must have scared his patron and the nuns, but really - how could he expect God to hear him out and help him get through the dark of his situation when his very problem was so much what religion told him to be wrong, disgusting, a reason to burn in hell? How could he really keep his faith when his good intentions ended up in a maze of sin and misery, when the more time passed, the more he longed for the rebellious seducer? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why couldn’t those thoughts just stop when all they did was hurting like hell and trigger a desperate feeling of loss at the same time?
It was obvious that at some point, JaeJoong wouldn’t be able to keep that behaviour up anylonger. The patience of the clerks was something they were famous for and the fact that all of the inhabitants of the convent loved their little, nice boy gained him more time than usual, but even their good will won’t last forever. Hence, it wasn’t all that surprising when Father Matthew stood in his doorframe this one, particularily sunny, afternoon. But all that didn’t make it any easier. There was nothing, absolutely nothing Jae could say; he just couldn’t confide in the man he respected so much, not when his problems were as shocking as they were. Who was he to talk about all his sinful feelings, his dirty thoughts and even worse actions to this man of God? What would it do them any good? He couldn’t shatter all the high hopes the priest had for him just so he could feel better.
So, for the first time ever, nothing Father Matthew said could break the young boy’s silence. It was sad to see the defeated look in his patron’s eyes, but really, this breaking his heart was way better than the truth.
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
Even if JaeJoong couldn’t find a solution to his problems, he understood that the least he could do for the people that cared for him was functioning. The nuns, the other acolytes and most of all Father Matthew - they all deserved their fair share of peace. JaeJoong’s personal troubles didn’t neccessarily need to influence the others’ lives as well.
So, he got a hold on himself and returned to normal; well, not really, but he never was the worst of actor. It was hard at first, forcing his lips to smile even if he didn’t feel like it at all and make others believe he meant it; going out for more than everyday errands, just because the day was so nice. But the most difficult of all tasks surely was surviving his church duties. Damn all these years that taught him about God’s ways and wishes, because now, he felt guilty and ashamed with every single step he took throught the holy halls.
But no matter how hard it was for him, he had to do this. For all those people that loved him and cared so much for him.
It went well, he thought and so he was a little confused when one afternoon, Father Matthew came by his room, sitting down next to the boy on his bed, displaying a troubled look.
“JaeJoong, this doesn’t work.”
The words were spoken softly, carefully, but this still didn’t lessen the impact they had on the young boy. He was doing okay, wasn’t he? He functioned.
“I know you’re trying and some of the others are actually convinced you’re getting over whatever it was that threw you off track, but I know you better than that.”
The priest let his words settle and looked his boy in the eyes. All he wanted the young boy to see was that he understood, that he could be trusted and Jae had to swallow hard due to the intensity of all this.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it with me, you’re old enough to have your own share of secrets, but please; instead of sulking, go and try to solve the problem. This here-“, he gestured awkwardly around Jae’s form, “simply isn’t you!”
The honest smile and the warm reassurance of his patron’s hand on his shoulder were making JaeJoong feel the best he did in a long time. Not that he was miraculously feeling all good now, but he understood that maybe he was getting a little too used to being whiny and depressive. It was not the end of the world, even if from his point of view everything seemed shattered. He wouldn’t die, even if he was feeling that aweful pain, daily, without a day of exception.
Maybe he should stop acting and start working on the problem like Father Matthew advised? Stop avoiding the places Yunho could be and let fate decide if they meet again? Who said he had to be like this forever?
“Thank you, Father, I’ll keep your words in mind.”
When later that afternoon JaeJoong announced he’d go out for a while - without an errand to run for anybody - the first traces of doubt came with the voice of Sister Mary Lucas, suddenly standing next to the Father and watching the younbg boy leave.
“Do you really think it was the wisest idea to send him back to the root of his problems? Maybe this time, he needs protection, not confrontation?”
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
No, it really was not a surprise to see him here, in that certain corner of that street, right in the middle of that part of time and especially at that time of the day. Who was JaeJoong trying to kid? So, when his gaze met Yunho’s black rimmed one, there was no way he could play the ‘what-a-surprise-to-meet-you-here’-card at him. But he had to do something, had to drop the oblivious act and confront the other boy, no matter how hard the betrayal ached right this moment. The pain was good, something that reminded him of how bad he was treated by the damn hooker in front of him, instead of falling for the slightly sheepish expression and forgiving too easily. This guy didn’t deserve any of Jae’s kind nature and if he didn’t act on the Christian precept of forgiving right now, whose fault was this, huh? Huh?
So, when the pretty Christian boy crossed the street, his anger grew with every step he took and everything felt so familiar, they both simply knew what was going to happen even before the older started his loud and furious rant.
“Oh hey there, hard worker! You doing fine? Business runs smoothly?” God, he sounded like a bitch, all that sarcasm, but surprisingly, he didn’t care as long as Yunho looked as uncomfortable as he did now.
“You actually thought you’d get off the hook this easily, right? You thought you could screw me up - literally - and just go on with your poor excuse of a life, huh? That if you just treat me like trash, I’d run away and never turn back and you could go on with your everyday life, pretending it was alright and never hear any of my words again. Didn’t you?”
This... was really not going the way he planned it, but whatever, it seemed to work and with every word Jae spit out, he felt it more true than any of the heartbrokeness he was drowning in the last weeks.
“You know what? I won’t let go off you, I won’t get lost forever, because the way you are living is wrong, Yunho, because you need to change these silly, dangerous ways or you’ll end up broken. And if you like it or not, I will be here and make you!”
And with that said, he reached forward to grab the rebel’s neck, pulling him forward into a hard, demanding kiss that the other, albeit shocked, answered with just as much passion.
And for just this one moment, everything seemed like it could be okay again; the world seemed to finally be back on the right track and maybe they could work it out.
This was, until JaeJoong felt himself violently pulled away from Yunho, directly followed by a sudden pain covering the whole left side of his face and a loud slap resonating through the air. It took him a few seconds to adjust, to sort out the happenings before he opened his eyes -
just to look right into the disappointed, disgusted face of the one Father Matthew.
۰۰†۰†۰†۰†۰†۰۰
A/N: Hey folks!
I'm so, so sorry, for the long delay of this chap - I know, some of you were quite worried and I really didn't want to worry you guys! It's just, real life has been buzzing with stress lately, positive and negative, and in addition to that, I was kinda off fandom lately. With all the stuff happening, I just found it hard to write on this story and decided to be a more silent supporter... I hope you'll understand and can forgive me^^;;; Just know that I love you all and I love this little story of mine, so I didn't want to write anything half-heartedly and this just took some time.
Anyway, I hope I didn't lose the hang of this story and you could enjoy this chapter - things are getting difficult! So much tension! What's JaeJoong supposed to do now? Tell me your thoughts, babies♥
Ps: unknowntibidip made this AMAZING poster for my ficcie and I want you all to see it... it's so pretty!!!!!!!! Thank you so much, I really adore it (I just didn't use it because I was gone for such a long time, I hoped the banner will help you guys remember the fic *gets bricked*) Please go an tell her how amazing she is here? Thanks in advance♥
And here it is:
Chapter IX