Comments | runaway_tales: Strawberry Shortcake #13, Writer's Group prompt. Updated, could still use help.

gothicgorilla in runaway_tales

Strawberry Shortcake #13, Writer's Group prompt. Updated, could still use help.

Jul 22, 2015 22:55

Author: Sarah Sliverback
Universe: New (no title yet)
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Flavor(s): Strawberry Shortcake #13 (be our guest)
Toppings/Extra: Gummy Bear: Writer's Group Prompt (garage sale, body builder)
Wordcount: 240 520-ish.
Warnings: Cursing is light, but there. I'm also thinking it'll become one of my few gay couple stories.
Notes: This peice ( Read more... )

[author] sarah silverback, [topping] gummy bunnies, [challenge] strawberry shortcake

Comments 4

fachefaucheux July 23 2015, 15:52:25 UTC

If I had to point to something that I think would improve this piece, it'd be more. Basically, this feels like the shell of what should be a lengthier piece. A lot of the characters' actions/dialogue seems random because there's not enough there to help the reader deduce what they're thinking. They jump from action to action so quickly that it seems like a list of things characters did rather than a story about what they did ( ... )

gothicgorilla July 23 2015, 17:05:58 UTC

Thank you! A long note was just what I wanted. I'm aware it needs lots of help, I intend to work on it. I've never been great at description, but I'm working on it. I'll try to add lots to this story.

shayna611 July 23 2015, 17:24:18 UTC

It's not bad so much as it just isn't anything ( ... )

gothicgorilla August 1 2015, 01:29:12 UTC

Thank you! I know the girlfriend isn't necessary, but I felt like she kinda was. There is a reason she's mean and he hates her. After adding more, I hint at it some.