Strawberry Shortcake #13, Writer's Group prompt. Updated, could still use help.

[gothicgorilla]

Author: Sarah Sliverback
Universe: New (no title yet)
Rating: PG13 (to be safe)
Flavor(s): Strawberry Shortcake #13 (be our guest)
Toppings/Extra: Gummy Bear: Writer's Group Prompt (garage sale, body builder)
Wordcount: 240 520-ish.
Warnings: Cursing is light, but there. I'm also thinking it'll become one of my few gay couple stories.
Notes: This peice

Comments

[shayna611]

It's not bad so much as it just isn't anything.

You don't need to go over the top with description. Honestly, I'm something of a minimalist myself, and prefer that style. But if you're going to be sparse, make what you do say count. Add a little atmosphere. Don't just list things.

None of the characters show any sort of personality. The dialogue is flat and they don't talk about anything of substance. They simply exchange names and comment on the table - which the narrative gives a bland, laundry list description of, so it doesn't seem Issac is actually particularly interested in it.

What is meant to be interesting about Eddie? He's also described without any sort of emotion or character - body builder, 6'2" - and does nothing but introduce himself in a very standard manner. So why does Isaac want to stay with him?

The one thing Isaac does seem to have any feelings about is his girlfriend. The way he behaves does not make me dislike her, it makes me dislike him (even if it does turn out she is the biggest evil bitch ever). It says he chooses to be with someone he clearly and openly disdains, which makes me wonder what his motives for doing so might be and suspect they are not good. And a person who will describe their significant other to a complete stranger as a bitch is neither someone I want to root for nor someone I would want to (or expect the other characters to want to) associate with. Why befriend someone who right upfront gives you the impression he will likely talk about you in such glowing terms as well?

I don't know the rest of where this story is going, but your author's note says it will be a "gay couple story" so I am assuming it's going to be Eddie/Issac. Is the "bitch" girlfriend really necessary? Unless you have some great twist on it (like it's really Isaac that's disdainful and immature and he's going to grow) it's an ugly ugly trope. Either let her be a well-rounded character, or just leave her out.

[gothicgorilla]

Thank you! I know the girlfriend isn't necessary, but I felt like she kinda was. There is a reason she's mean and he hates her. After adding more, I hint at it some.