Plot-Induced Idiocy
Author: Amata le Fay
Title: Plot-Induced Idiocy
Story: Crossfire - RP (with an, uh, real life crossover)
Flavor(s): Summer Challenge Trope Bunnies 15 (lampshade hanging)
Toppings/Extras: Chopped Nuts
Rating: PG13 for swearing
Word Count: 628
Notes: Inspired by this rustydragonfly piece from last April (read: Amata totally stole Rusty's idea, then went berserk with it).
As they settled in their seats, the special guests of this night's performance whispered among themselves. The four young playwrights peered at them from behind the red curtain, careful not to be seen. Amanda broke the silence. “They're going to kill us, guys.”
“Such optimism,” Linda deadpanned.
“We're putting Morian in dresses for the entire show!” Amanda snapped. “She has a laser eye! We're dead!”
“Well, whose bright idea was this, anyway?” Rebecca asked her. Amanda leaned back against the proscenium arch and slid down into a crouch, staring blankly across the stage.
“Aaand she's down for the count,” said Katrina. “Time to start the show!”
“Javert has guns,” the half-catatonic girl moaned.
“Morian won't let him shoot us,” Linda assured her. “I think.”
…...
When Javert's and Faye's actors kissed, there was an audible reaction from the crowd. A very loud, angry, Scottish one. Specifically, something along the lines of, “WHAT THE GUCK?! I WOULD NEVER-”
“Javert!” Mary cautioned. Jem was clinging to Faye now, staring wide-eyed at the inspector, as Faye herself made a face akin to the expression one would wear upon unexpectedly tasting a cow pie. Morian seemed oddly calm, even amused. Red-faced, Javert continued in a quieter voice, “I never would actually kiss her, right?”
“Well...” Morian shrugged. “They are viable alternate universes with character consistencies throughout. Do you really think so little of yourself that you think you would have continued in your blindly-devoted ways without any twinges in your conscience, after meeting Faye? No. Of course not. Now sit back and enjoy the show.”
“Fine,” Javert grumbled.
“See, Amanda? We can depend on Morian's rationality.” Katrina placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder in comfort.
“You're forgetting the AU where she was a psychotic killer,” Rebecca whispered.
“...shit.”
…..
“Ooh. Nice foreshadowing.” Conall, who had been unusually quiet up until now, poked Jem. “All the little details you notice going the second time around.”
“I can't believe I didn't realize you were related right there and then!” said Faye, facepalmming. “I saw both of you in broad daylight multiple times over!” She looked from her wife to her mother-in-law and then back again. Now that Jem was 27, the two looked almost identical.
“Well, no offense, but you were really oblivious back then,” said Conall.
“And mum was a bit of a psychopath back then,” Jem added.
“And I didn't know Conall had a long-lost daughter,” Faye said, “unlike someone.”
All three glanced at Morian. She glared back at them.
“...plot-induced idiocy?” Conall finally suggested. Everyone nodded.
…..
'
“This is starting to seem suspiciously like a musical,” Kavi commented to no one in particular. “The late Prince Agni singing to Her Majesty, that whole Caught in the Crossfire song after Morian's grand speech, and now the Fosse dance number. About war.”
“Wait a minute.” Javert squinted. “Oh, shit. Monique's onstage. The actual Monique!”
The dark-skinned woman stood on a pedestal at center stage, belting out the jazzy tune with her signature swiveling hips. Silias and George stared at her pelvis. Javert furiously reached for a gun Morian had “accidentally” misplaced at home.
“She's like a Patina Miller doppelganger,” said Liz in awe. “You know, the old-timey actress from Pippin?”
“Look!” Mary said with a gasp as Monique twirled faster and faster, smoke rising from where she spun. Singing and dancing and burning and dying-classic Monique. She was always playing with fire.
The playwrights were all in shock by this point. After a moment, Linda said, “So now there's an occasion to yell 'fire!' in a crowded theater...”
Monique laughed. Things were going exactly according to plan.
“Wait!” Conall yelled. “I replaced Javert's hidden gun with a water pistol!”
For the moment, they thought the world was saved. Then, Javert asked, “Which hidden gun was that?”