Unattainable (prompt 18)
Title: Unattainable
Author: shimotsuki
Format & Word Count: Fic, 1160 words
Rating: PG
Prompt: #18, "And the tears come streaming down your face / When you lose something you cannot replace / When you love someone but it goes to waste" - Cold Play, Fix You
Warning: Very mild profanity
Author's note: Sequel to Blindsided (prompt 5)
Summary: Tonks discovers just how much Remus intends to deny himself -- and her.
Unattainable
Both of them missed Sirius terribly, of course. And it felt wrong to be drinking butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks instead of in the warm, dark basement kitchen at Grimmauld Place. But they were having fun all the same - it was good to stop worrying and just be silly for a while.
"I'm hungry. Aren't you?" Without waiting for Remus to answer - because he would say that he wasn't - Tonks stood up and fought her way through the crowded pub to the bar. She secured a basket of chips and a bottle of vinegar and started back across the room, joking and laughing with the people she knocked into as she passed.
Halfway back to their quiet corner table, she looked up and nearly dropped the basket. Remus was staring at her, and there was something in his eyes that she had never seen before - it was almost as though he couldn't look away.
Does this mean what I think it means? Does he finally see me?
The thought gave her a whole swarm of butterflies in her stomach.
Tonks delivered the chips safely to their table and insisted that Remus help her eat them. He gave in eventually, and then they started their usual argument over how much vinegar to sprinkle where, laughing as they grappled for the bottle. I guess I was imagining things, she decided, blinking back unexpected tears. He's the same as always.
Summoning a triumphant smirk, she captured the vinegar and shook it liberally over the basket (and the tablecloth). But "the same as always" is still my best friend. I'm damned lucky, and I'd better not forget that.
Tonks munched on the chips and listened to Remus, the familiar rhythm of his voice washing over her as he described the odd characters he'd seen that day, keeping watch outside Borgin & Burkes. She dipped the last chip into the puddle of vinegar at the bottom of the basket and popped it into her mouth. Her eyes drifted closed, and she smiled a smile of pure bliss at the salty, tangy taste.
Remus fell abruptly silent.
Surprised, she looked up to find him staring at her again, with a very odd expression - a sort of hesitant fascination. She grinned at him. To her utter amazement, Remus, the master of composure, blushed and fumbled with his tankard before picking up the thread of his story.
Maybe he's not the same as always.
After that, Tonks couldn't stop herself from experimenting. In the middle of a tale about going with Proudfoot to rescue a pompous Hogsmeade landlord from a boggart that kept turning into mismatched socks, she leaned toward Remus and put her hand on his. This was something she'd done over and over during the long, cozy evenings at Grimmauld Place, and usually it produced a friendly smile, or even nothing at all. This time, Remus actually stopped breathing for a good five seconds, until Tonks took pity and released him to take a swig of her butterbeer. Even then, he went on gazing at the spot where her hand had been, and only came back to the conversation when she poked him.
The evening flew by, but Tonks didn't want to end it, and it seemed that Remus didn't either. They lingered over their butterbeer until Madam Rosmerta started putting chairs up on tables. Then Remus insisted on walking Tonks back to the tiny flat that the Aurors used when they were stationed in Hogsmeade. They strolled through the dark streets in easy, comfortable silence, surrounded by the chirping of crickets.
All too soon, they had reached her gate. "Thanks for the company." Remus gave her that smile, the one that made his eyes shine, the one he only used when he really meant it. "Good night, Tonks."
She grinned back, but then she saw that he was staring at her again. Suddenly, it was hard for her to remember to breathe. She was gazing into his warm, kind eyes, and the night sounds had gone still around them. Should I? Her pulse was pounding in her ears. If I'm wrong... But he is different tonight...
Before she could give herself a chance to change her mind, she stepped closer, put her hands on his shoulders, and kissed him. To her deep relief and soaring joy, his arms went around her and he held her very close as his lips moved softly against hers.
It was a sweet, gentle kiss - and it lasted all of three seconds before Remus broke the embrace and stumbled a few steps back.
"We can't do this," he said hoarsely, his face white and drawn.
He looked deeply frightened, Tonks realized - almost terrified. She had never seen him afraid before, not even that night at the Ministry. But it made no sense - surely he wasn't afraid of her?
"Why can't we?" she challenged him. "I love you!"
He flinched as though she had slapped him. "Then you've got to stop."
She stared, bewildered. "I thought you were starting to care for me too... Don't you?"
He studied her lime-green trainers. "It doesn't matter. You have to forget about this."
"That's not an answer." She glared at him. "Look at me and answer the question, Remus. Do you love me?"
He stood, frozen. The crickets started chirping again. Finally, he dragged his gaze upward. Tonks didn't know what she had expected to see when he met her eyes, but it wasn't this hopeless bleakness, this desolate resignation.
Remus held her gaze for a heartbeat or two. Then, very quietly: "Yes."
She opened her mouth to speak, but he shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I've known all my life that I must always be alone."
"You don't have to be!" Tonks was angry now.
"Yes, I do. It's too dangerous. I could never put someone at risk like that, especially not someone I ... someone I care about." He ran a hand over his face and looked away again. "You're so young - you've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll find someone else to love."
Tonks frowned fiercely up at him, shaking her head, trying to marshal a convincing argument. It can't end here. This isn't how it works. She had dreamed of kissing Remus for months. Sometimes she had pictured him falling happily into her arms. Other times, she had cried herself to sleep, imagining his kind, regretful voice saying that he just couldn't think of her that way. But never in a million years had she expected him to tell her that he loved her and then walk away.
He touched her cheek, very gently, with his fingertips. "I'm sorry, Tonks." He was staring at her again, just as he had been doing all night. But this time the pain in his eyes tore at her like a knife.
Before she could say another word, he turned away and Disapparated, leaving her alone in the darkness with the cricket song.
Author: shimotsuki
Format & Word Count: Fic, 1160 words
Rating: PG
Prompt: #18, "And the tears come streaming down your face / When you lose something you cannot replace / When you love someone but it goes to waste" - Cold Play, Fix You
Warning: Very mild profanity
Author's note: Sequel to Blindsided (prompt 5)
Summary: Tonks discovers just how much Remus intends to deny himself -- and her.
Unattainable
Both of them missed Sirius terribly, of course. And it felt wrong to be drinking butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks instead of in the warm, dark basement kitchen at Grimmauld Place. But they were having fun all the same - it was good to stop worrying and just be silly for a while.
"I'm hungry. Aren't you?" Without waiting for Remus to answer - because he would say that he wasn't - Tonks stood up and fought her way through the crowded pub to the bar. She secured a basket of chips and a bottle of vinegar and started back across the room, joking and laughing with the people she knocked into as she passed.
Halfway back to their quiet corner table, she looked up and nearly dropped the basket. Remus was staring at her, and there was something in his eyes that she had never seen before - it was almost as though he couldn't look away.
Does this mean what I think it means? Does he finally see me?
The thought gave her a whole swarm of butterflies in her stomach.
Tonks delivered the chips safely to their table and insisted that Remus help her eat them. He gave in eventually, and then they started their usual argument over how much vinegar to sprinkle where, laughing as they grappled for the bottle. I guess I was imagining things, she decided, blinking back unexpected tears. He's the same as always.
Summoning a triumphant smirk, she captured the vinegar and shook it liberally over the basket (and the tablecloth). But "the same as always" is still my best friend. I'm damned lucky, and I'd better not forget that.
Tonks munched on the chips and listened to Remus, the familiar rhythm of his voice washing over her as he described the odd characters he'd seen that day, keeping watch outside Borgin & Burkes. She dipped the last chip into the puddle of vinegar at the bottom of the basket and popped it into her mouth. Her eyes drifted closed, and she smiled a smile of pure bliss at the salty, tangy taste.
Remus fell abruptly silent.
Surprised, she looked up to find him staring at her again, with a very odd expression - a sort of hesitant fascination. She grinned at him. To her utter amazement, Remus, the master of composure, blushed and fumbled with his tankard before picking up the thread of his story.
Maybe he's not the same as always.
After that, Tonks couldn't stop herself from experimenting. In the middle of a tale about going with Proudfoot to rescue a pompous Hogsmeade landlord from a boggart that kept turning into mismatched socks, she leaned toward Remus and put her hand on his. This was something she'd done over and over during the long, cozy evenings at Grimmauld Place, and usually it produced a friendly smile, or even nothing at all. This time, Remus actually stopped breathing for a good five seconds, until Tonks took pity and released him to take a swig of her butterbeer. Even then, he went on gazing at the spot where her hand had been, and only came back to the conversation when she poked him.
The evening flew by, but Tonks didn't want to end it, and it seemed that Remus didn't either. They lingered over their butterbeer until Madam Rosmerta started putting chairs up on tables. Then Remus insisted on walking Tonks back to the tiny flat that the Aurors used when they were stationed in Hogsmeade. They strolled through the dark streets in easy, comfortable silence, surrounded by the chirping of crickets.
All too soon, they had reached her gate. "Thanks for the company." Remus gave her that smile, the one that made his eyes shine, the one he only used when he really meant it. "Good night, Tonks."
She grinned back, but then she saw that he was staring at her again. Suddenly, it was hard for her to remember to breathe. She was gazing into his warm, kind eyes, and the night sounds had gone still around them. Should I? Her pulse was pounding in her ears. If I'm wrong... But he is different tonight...
Before she could give herself a chance to change her mind, she stepped closer, put her hands on his shoulders, and kissed him. To her deep relief and soaring joy, his arms went around her and he held her very close as his lips moved softly against hers.
It was a sweet, gentle kiss - and it lasted all of three seconds before Remus broke the embrace and stumbled a few steps back.
"We can't do this," he said hoarsely, his face white and drawn.
He looked deeply frightened, Tonks realized - almost terrified. She had never seen him afraid before, not even that night at the Ministry. But it made no sense - surely he wasn't afraid of her?
"Why can't we?" she challenged him. "I love you!"
He flinched as though she had slapped him. "Then you've got to stop."
She stared, bewildered. "I thought you were starting to care for me too... Don't you?"
He studied her lime-green trainers. "It doesn't matter. You have to forget about this."
"That's not an answer." She glared at him. "Look at me and answer the question, Remus. Do you love me?"
He stood, frozen. The crickets started chirping again. Finally, he dragged his gaze upward. Tonks didn't know what she had expected to see when he met her eyes, but it wasn't this hopeless bleakness, this desolate resignation.
Remus held her gaze for a heartbeat or two. Then, very quietly: "Yes."
She opened her mouth to speak, but he shook his head. "It doesn't matter. I've known all my life that I must always be alone."
"You don't have to be!" Tonks was angry now.
"Yes, I do. It's too dangerous. I could never put someone at risk like that, especially not someone I ... someone I care about." He ran a hand over his face and looked away again. "You're so young - you've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll find someone else to love."
Tonks frowned fiercely up at him, shaking her head, trying to marshal a convincing argument. It can't end here. This isn't how it works. She had dreamed of kissing Remus for months. Sometimes she had pictured him falling happily into her arms. Other times, she had cried herself to sleep, imagining his kind, regretful voice saying that he just couldn't think of her that way. But never in a million years had she expected him to tell her that he loved her and then walk away.
He touched her cheek, very gently, with his fingertips. "I'm sorry, Tonks." He was staring at her again, just as he had been doing all night. But this time the pain in his eyes tore at her like a knife.
Before she could say another word, he turned away and Disapparated, leaving her alone in the darkness with the cricket song.