Blindsided (prompt 5)
Title: Blindsided
Author: shimotsuki
Format & Word Count: Ficlet, 637 words
Rating: G
Prompt: #5, "It's not love we don't wish to fall into, but that fear ... You can hold on or let go." - Margaret Atwood, "Variations on the Word Love"
Author's note (added 18 Jan): This story is continued in Unattainable (prompt 18)
Summary: Remus makes a terrifying discovery, but he should have seen it coming.
Blindsided
Remus looked at the clock, stretched the kinks out of his back, and began putting away the documents he'd been poring over at his rickety kitchen table. It was almost time to meet Tonks in Hogsmeade.
Just the thought of an evening in her company had him grinning already, he realized, as he changed into a slightly less shabby set of robes and carefully combed his hair. The loss of Sirius was a dull ache that never went away, but being with Tonks made him feel almost whole again. Sometimes they grieved together, but often she was bound and determined to cheer him up. And it usually worked. It was wonderful to see her dark eyes sparkle with mischief and hear her warm chuckle. He looked forward to her tales of ridiculous Ministry bureaucrats and zany personal misadventures. He even liked sitting with her and not talking - she was just nice to be with, like a sunbeam on a chilly day.
And he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until they were both breathless.
What?
He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, blinking in disbelief.
Where on earth did that come from?
He stared at a crack in the opposite wall as the truth dawned. This was why he couldn't stop thinking about her, why spending time with her made him so unexpectedly happy even as he mourned the loss of his best mate.
I am in love with Nymphadora Tonks.
He shook his head. This was ridiculous. He, Remus Lupin, did not fall in love. It was absolutely impossible.
He had had a schoolboy crush, once, in his fourth year. There was a pretty Ravenclaw girl - he couldn't even remember her name, now - that he knew from double Herbology. He used to watch her working with the plants in the greenhouse, and fantasize about asking her to go with him on the next Hogsmeade weekend.
But then he had the nightmare. Four or five nights in a row. He would wake up, sweaty and shouting, the details of the dream fading from memory - except for the moon, and sharp teeth, and much too much blood.
He was only fourteen at the time, but he sat down and thought things through just as methodically as he would for any homework assignment. If he ever had a girlfriend, or someday a wife, he would put her in danger. That was absolutely unthinkable. So, the only responsible decision he could make was simply never to fall in love.
And he never had. The closest he had ever come before was probably with Lily Evans. If things had been different - if one of his best friends hadn't been in love with her already, and if he himself hadn't been a danger to society - maybe he would have fallen in love with Lily. But he didn't; they were always just good friends.
And so Remus had watched his mates flirting and squabbling, but he had stayed out of the fray himself. When James or Sirius or Peter teased him about his single status, he would always just shrug and insist, "Werewolves do not have girlfriends."
So where does that leave me now?
Clearly, Tonks must never find out about this. Not that he had any reason to think she would fall in love with him. But he couldn't take the risk - she must never discover how he felt.
Does this mean I can't be her friend any longer?
He thought about never seeing Tonks again, never laughing with her, never catching her by the elbow when she tripped. It made him feel cold all over.
I can do this. I can go on being her friend. She never needs to know that I love her.
He would just have to be very, very careful.
Author: shimotsuki
Format & Word Count: Ficlet, 637 words
Rating: G
Prompt: #5, "It's not love we don't wish to fall into, but that fear ... You can hold on or let go." - Margaret Atwood, "Variations on the Word Love"
Author's note (added 18 Jan): This story is continued in Unattainable (prompt 18)
Summary: Remus makes a terrifying discovery, but he should have seen it coming.
Blindsided
Remus looked at the clock, stretched the kinks out of his back, and began putting away the documents he'd been poring over at his rickety kitchen table. It was almost time to meet Tonks in Hogsmeade.
Just the thought of an evening in her company had him grinning already, he realized, as he changed into a slightly less shabby set of robes and carefully combed his hair. The loss of Sirius was a dull ache that never went away, but being with Tonks made him feel almost whole again. Sometimes they grieved together, but often she was bound and determined to cheer him up. And it usually worked. It was wonderful to see her dark eyes sparkle with mischief and hear her warm chuckle. He looked forward to her tales of ridiculous Ministry bureaucrats and zany personal misadventures. He even liked sitting with her and not talking - she was just nice to be with, like a sunbeam on a chilly day.
And he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her until they were both breathless.
What?
He sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, blinking in disbelief.
Where on earth did that come from?
He stared at a crack in the opposite wall as the truth dawned. This was why he couldn't stop thinking about her, why spending time with her made him so unexpectedly happy even as he mourned the loss of his best mate.
I am in love with Nymphadora Tonks.
He shook his head. This was ridiculous. He, Remus Lupin, did not fall in love. It was absolutely impossible.
He had had a schoolboy crush, once, in his fourth year. There was a pretty Ravenclaw girl - he couldn't even remember her name, now - that he knew from double Herbology. He used to watch her working with the plants in the greenhouse, and fantasize about asking her to go with him on the next Hogsmeade weekend.
But then he had the nightmare. Four or five nights in a row. He would wake up, sweaty and shouting, the details of the dream fading from memory - except for the moon, and sharp teeth, and much too much blood.
He was only fourteen at the time, but he sat down and thought things through just as methodically as he would for any homework assignment. If he ever had a girlfriend, or someday a wife, he would put her in danger. That was absolutely unthinkable. So, the only responsible decision he could make was simply never to fall in love.
And he never had. The closest he had ever come before was probably with Lily Evans. If things had been different - if one of his best friends hadn't been in love with her already, and if he himself hadn't been a danger to society - maybe he would have fallen in love with Lily. But he didn't; they were always just good friends.
And so Remus had watched his mates flirting and squabbling, but he had stayed out of the fray himself. When James or Sirius or Peter teased him about his single status, he would always just shrug and insist, "Werewolves do not have girlfriends."
So where does that leave me now?
Clearly, Tonks must never find out about this. Not that he had any reason to think she would fall in love with him. But he couldn't take the risk - she must never discover how he felt.
Does this mean I can't be her friend any longer?
He thought about never seeing Tonks again, never laughing with her, never catching her by the elbow when she tripped. It made him feel cold all over.
I can do this. I can go on being her friend. She never needs to know that I love her.
He would just have to be very, very careful.